Post Partum Lusting

Well, not that we have anywhere to go, but the snow is pretty...it's blowing though, could be tough to travel in. Z is swinging and cooing currently. Very cute. Our nights have been less than desirable, but not horrible. I'm feeling a little wimpy compared to other moms. Some seem to really do well, or at least better than me with the exhaustion thing. I'm not quite used to it yet. I get headaches and my bones just ache when I don't have enough sleep. Plus, I get a little overly emotional and psycho. I've started having jealousy dreams about Jason. This makes me feel REALLY horrible. I'm thinking it's triggered by Z and his complete adoration of her and our complete lack of having any alone time. I miss him...but enjoy watching him as a dad. I miss being a couple and have been thinking back to the Chicago times. Not that I'd ever not want Z here, just miss her dad...miss us being cute and mushy and sexy. His sexiness has been amplified with the dad thing. My God. Plus, he just always looks good....ok, sorry, I'm a little lonely. He leaves for CA on Monday and so we won't be spending my bday together. That sucks. But, we have the weekend. He is very conscious of the fact he'll be gone and is going to surprise me with a weekend somewhere...hmmm.

I guess it's a good sign that I still lust after my husband...but man, Z needs to sleep through the night!! (Sorry if this is TMI Jen...hehehe)

Guilt

Today is my first day back to work. Z has been quiet for most of the day. What a trooper. I reorganized my office and desk and now I'm all set to work from home. Of course now I just want to take a nap. Z was up 3 times last night and has slept twice already today...and I've missed those opps to sleep myself. J is out until 4 I think. It's actually ok. A lot of the time I get more done when he's not here. (There's no one to cause a mess. HA!)

The doorbell rang. It was the water guy. We haven't been able to find our meter to call in our reading. I felt silly but I looked everywhere. He found it in a cabinet in our closet. WHA?? Strange. The people that owned this house before us were odd. The way they built things...the rooms and the storage...helpful, but random. I love our house, it's very...me. It's choppy--the rooms are oddly sized, but everything is very homey. It's cabin like. It's cold sometimes. Our gas bill is ENORMOUS. I just want to die. We had guests all during the holidays and I didn't want anyone to be cold. Now, we'll be sleeping in boxes on the street due to the high bill. Not really...but man.

Being at home makes you very conscious about how much TV you could watch. I'm trying desperately to regulate it so I don't feel like a sloth. It's too easy to flip it on when she's feeding or napping. Yesterday had no TV until Idol in the evening. Course, I did watch a netflix on the computer. Does that count? Today, I watched The View at noon...ok! so I watched Ellen too. But now it's off!! OK?!!! I got books from Amazon in the mail yesterday. I'm going to read them damnit. DAMN IT!!!! I'm going to be a well read mommy, not a TV head mommy. (This is so difficult for me.)

I'm tired. I want to have someone swaddle me and put me down.

Balancing Act

Stay at home mommy. Hmmm. This is an interesting and wonderful thing. I know my daughter...I know her cries and her smell. I know what she needs most of the time. Sometimes she throws me a curve ball when I am tired. There are things I have to get used to however. I'm tied to her. I am her food...for the most part. We do give her formula in a bottle at times. She's great about having both. I feel like I can't leave the house. That's my problem. I know I can, but I am paranoid about the cold. I don't want her to be out in the car unnecessarily. I don't want her to get a cold or for us to be hit by someone. I'm protecting her too much...but hey...it's winter and she's not even two months yet. I need to relax. I need to understand I'm going to be tired. But I feel like I want to nap a lot during the day and I can't get anything done. I'm used to 9 hours of sleep and now I'm down to about 5 hours a night. (This is a big deal for me) Jason is used to that...but I am not. It's been a challenge--however, not as big as I thought it would be. I thought I'd be out of my mind by now. I' not, I'm just a little claustrophobic at times and get exhaustion headaches. I'm stressed out about controlling my environment. I am someone who has to do certain things to remain healthy. I have to have clean surroundings. Things need to have order. My kitchen must be clean. Jason doesn't really get this about me. I was a bit "crazy" before we got serious...so I don't think he's seen the "wacky valerie" but I am VERY in tune with her and don't want to go back there. I have to have sleep. I have to feel productive and not lazy. Laziness is a big deal. I feel lazy if I watch too much tv. (However, most of the time I'm way too tired to read a book) I feel lazy if there are dishes out or if the bed isn't made. (The bed is made every morning.) I also hate not showering every day. Today is the first day in a long time that I just couldn't get it done. I want to be super mom. But I'm not. My thank you notes aren't done. Her baby book isn't started. Her announcements aren't out!! That's crazy. I feel like I'm just not enough. I need another one of me. Jason is great. But he works. And just because he works from home...I can't take advantage of that. He can't get to things quick enough for me (and my mental health). He can't get to the dishes or the laundry or the vacuuming when I need it. He can only do it when he has time. (This isn't really ever) He has other things that require his time. (Worthy things...yes...but again, this is why I need another me.)

Thank goodness Z is a good baby. She isn't fussy. She is sweet and understanding. She smiles at me a lot and I'm convinced she knows the secrets of the universe that she will forget by the time she can talk. She is wise...I can see it in her eyes. She is beautiful...more and more each day. Her skin is perfect. Her hair is the perfect shade of blonde. Her eyes are blue and bright...and they follow me. She loves her daddy...and I've never seen him so in love. It's been great seeing his heart grow bigger. She couldn't have a better daddy...or be loved more. I love this especially. He will have the love that I felt I didn't have growing up...she will be able to feel his adoration. That is so important.

I have so many things to get used to. But I will in time. In the meantime, it's my own personal race to keep mentally healthy. I'm going on 3 years of balance....and I need to hold on to it.

Blonde bombshell

So, she's here! Zoë (it's a trick to get the umlauts...but you can google it and find out how). She was born on a Saturday...12:32pm after 22 minutes of pushing that felt more like 22 hours. I didn't cuss one time! Actually, it went ok--well, it hurt like hell and threw up a lot, but at least it wasn't hours of pushing. Labor pains started at about 8pm on Friday night. We weren't sure she was coming until around midnight. Even then, when I got to the ER around 2am, I was only 2cm. An hour later (a VERY painful hour), I was at 5cm and we were on our way! Jason was amazing. He was a great coach and crawled in bed with me to help me through the 30 second contractions. I don't know how I would've gotten through it without him really.

When she was out, they immediately put her on my chest, but I was too sick to hold her, so Jason spent the first hour of her life with her...and they've been very bonded ever since. We've all been transformed by her arrival. Her name has been tricky for most. The umlauts are probably annoying, but we love them. Zoë Lorraine Bennington Vidmar is on her birth certificate. The Bennington is just to keep track of my name. Lorraine is from my paternal grandma. I dropped Lorraine when I got married...and made Bennington my middle name. Now Z has it. Love that.

A month has gone by so quickly! We've taken an obscene amount of pics. There were 1000 of her the first week--no exaggeration. She is the most photographed child. Jason seems to hold the camera with him. He constantly snaps shots of her. He even has a website for her.
mountainroad.shutterly.com (password is...rochester)

What a sweetie she is! She's not fussy...yet. She only cries when she's hungry. Breastfeeding is going swell and I'm almost back down to my beginning weight! (YAY breastfeeding!!) It's been a magical time. The fact that she was born right before the holidays was really sweet. It made Christmas that much more wonderful. We've had lots of guests and look forward to more.

She's quite the blonde! That was the #1 most commented thing about her from the very first hour she was alive...her hair. She's so blonde! Gorgeous. Not sure where she got it. I was sure she'd be dark haired after her dad. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've been away forever. This is just to catch up. The next posts (hopefully somewhat daily) will be about the fantastic times and the trials we'll have with little Zo'.

To bring it back to real life...today, we had the exterminator come. We have ants. Sugar ants...and they suck! I think we'll be rid of them soon, but what a pain in the ass to have. We also have icicles from hell all over our house. Need to figure those out before they kill someone!

More to come! Think I'll nap.

Zoë Lorraine Bennington Vidmar 12-5-09

My loves