Laboring

If I could sit today and just cry, I would. I am not good at the mood swings and my body aching. I'm 10 lbs heavier with H than I was with Z. I'm also 3 years older. It makes a difference. I am appreciative of the gift--but I am not graceful at all. My strength lies in other areas of my life. Pain and being uncomfortable is not one. However, I also can't stand whining--so I'm pretty sick of myself in general right now. "Suck it up and shut up!!!" is how I feel about myself most of the time.

This week mom and I went to see Argo and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Argo was a nail biter. Very good. Entertaining and educational. I recommend. Perks was also very good. I was worried if Mom would enjoy it since it was teens--I read the book (excellent). She really liked it and kept saying how well done it was. It's more than a teen angst movie. It's more than just relating a time of life. The feelings and experiences these kids have at 14 and 17 are ones we continue to have in our lives. Life doesn't get easier, but when all of these big emotions hit in your teen years, it is your first experience with such heartbreak and disappointment. Life becomes more real. The innocence is gone. It is tough to understand and figure out where you belong in it all.

Even as an adult, I find it hard to find my way. There are days (like today) when you just feel lost. You can't discern your own feelings. You just sit in a blah state. I'm probably just tired. Fatigue really messes with me.

It messes with Z as well. She is whiny and totally out of it. She is crying constantly and fighting me on everything. Tantrums are increasing. It's driving me batty. Basically, she screams and cries and I want to do the same thing.

I'm going to have 2 girls?? Geesh, what kind of mom will I be??

Send thoughts of labor my way.

Still waiting

Still no baby yet. I'm ready. My fears are subsiding due to how uncomfortable I am. Jason is busy with school and work and would like her to take as long as possible. Easy for him to say. Z is ready. I got her a gift from Harper. Hopefully it will break the ice well.

Mom is here. She's been helping me get H's room ready and get Z's room to where it should be. We've gotten a lot accomplished. I have a doc appt in a few minutes. We'll see how dilated I am. I've been 1 for the last 2 weeks. Can I see a 3 please??

We watched the VP debate last night. Jason commented on how many republican friends I have on Facebook. "Yes...I grew up in Kansas..." Hehehe. It doesn't bother me. Some really like to state their views. If I write something for my candidate, I always write something nice about the other as well. No need to be so negative. They are both good men.

I did talk to my therapist on Skype this week about my constant fears about J dying whenever he leaves the house. I won't go into detail, but instead of focusing on what I thought it was about, she focused it on having abandonment issues. Interesting. We'll just leave it at that. It was a new way of thinking about it. I can see her point. It makes more sense than what I was thinking. "You're not worried about him leaving you or cheating on you...so the next thing would be for him to die."

Huh.

Gotta go. Think baby for me.

up early

It's Saturday morning. Z woke me up before 6 to eat. I wasn't sleeping that well anyway. Jason fell asleep early and I ended up watching a movie unti late---Places in the Heart, with Sally Field. It's from 1984. I saw it in the movie theatre when I was 9. My mom always took us to see the movies she wanted to see. I barely ever went to kid movies. I saw age inappropriate movies (now that I look back), but I didn't know the difference. I feel it helped with my appreciation of film. They were very mature movies with mature themes and it seems at the time, I got it. I wasn't bored watching them. Well, the only one I didn't like was Passage to India. I thought that was boring. Oh, and Chariots of Fire--but I was 6. I remember watching The Color Purple--I would've been 10. I was glued. I really liked it. Talk about an adult movie! Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan was probably my favorite. I wanted to be Tarzan and live in the jungle. I wanted to be dropped off and I'd figure it out. Now I know about all of the creepy crawlies...no thanks. I'd never survive the bugs. YUCK. I find it funny that I wanted to be Tarzan and live with apes and not the pretty Jane. It never occurred to me. She seemed boring.

Mom comes in tonight. Harper seems to be holding on for her. As long as she is here, I'm fine with going into labor at any time! I would prefer it not be at night. I'd love it if the contractions started around 7 in the morning...or 8. I'd like it to be light out. I think it would help with my whacky anxiety. I've been waking up with the "night terrors" again. That is such a silly name. It basically means that I have anxiety attacks that wake me up and it is hard to breath. It's scary. I need to see a doctor after the baby is born. It takes about 45 mins to recover from a big attack. So odd. Looks like I've held off depression, but anxiety is just natural for me. I'm high strung.

Today we get out baby things--clothes, car seat, move the mattress back up in the crib, pack the hospital bag and such. I think Jason will feel better once that is all done.

The fatigue of waking up early is setting in. Let's hope Jason is ready to take his shift.

mother of the year

Not the best day. I'm doing a poor job of being mommy. I'm exhausted. My nights are short due to being uncomfortable and having horrible acid reflux. I'm finally able to go to sleep around 3. I'm exhausted and don't have much energy to do anything. Poor Z saw me finally burst into tears out of frustration and she started to cry, too. She's never seen me cry before. I felt awful.

She just came and asked me if I was crying because she was crying. (Well, yes) I said of course not. "I won't cry anymore, Mommy." I'm causing therapy bills for her before she's even 3. Poor thing. I'm only on #2--how do my friends have more children? I am in awe of them. I think of it all of the time. I'm not built for it. I know they have their bad days, too. I just feel as if I'm having a lot in a row right now. Please let it be the pregnancy and I will feel back to myself again after the baby is born.

I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I love it. Charlie, the main character, has so many feelings that I used to have. He is so relatable. In 1991, the setting, the main focus for teens was still music and books. The internet played no part. Music affected him and he used it to communicate. I don't even really like the music of today. I sound so old. I just feel like we thought more. We talked more to each other. We felt more. We didn't create feelings and thoughts to post to seem cool. We just were what we were--mostly confused or in love or both. I recommend it if you were a teen in 1991. Even if you weren't...it's a great book. It's an easy read. It flows well. There is a movie, too. It's out in Brooklyn. Jeremy told me it was playing at BAM. I'd told him to read it. He will relate.

On the plus side...I did finally hear from my therapist. We have an appointment for next week to Skype. Whew.