Complicated and annoying.

I sit here, tired and wanting a nap. It isn't even noon yet. I slept decently last night. I think I'm in a bit of an escape mode. Been going to therapy with Jason and it sure makes you dig up a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily want to deal with. He goes to it like it's a class. He takes notes. He writes them up, edits them and prints them out. Sort of cute, I think. I go and listen and talk. I take nothing in. I don't write about it at all. I sit with the thoughts a lot. They make me tired.

Then there's the Kansas trip. One I always look forward to--but it also wears me out to think about it as well. I go back and try to connect again with the people I love for a short amount of time. It's exhausting. My friends are now mothers. We have children racing around. Our friendship grew in a time of quiet and self evaluation. Now, we have no time to really talk. I'm all about connecting and feeling connected. It's just tough right now. I want to feel as if we're in some time of life long class. It's ups and downs. The tests, the pop quizzes of shit just thrown at you. I want to check in with them. "How is it going for you?" "Are you figuring it out?" "Have you figured out how to get an A in here?"

I like to explore. But it makes me tired. So, I retreat into anything that I can. Movies are a big one. This past weekend we went to see A Place Beyond the Pines. Uhh...that was not an escape. It threw J and I both into thought. Man, that movie was like a novel. It was rich in story. It made you really think about what is truly important in being a parent. What about the type of person you are. What about how you provide for your child? What makes a "good" person/father. We've been talking about it ever since. It's fascinating. (At least for those who love film.) I recommend it.

Then there's the 20 year reunion. Ugh. How am I going to do that? You walk in, smile, pretend to feel interesting when you don't really feel interesting. You laugh at things that probably aren't funny to you. You want to be nice to people. You want them to like you. You want them to think you look good. You want them to think you've done something right. In this case, I suppose I will parade my hot husband and damn cute girls and let them just represent me. I will try to be funny...when I just want to sit down and talk deeply with people. I wanted to do that in HS, too--but no one wants to get deep at reunions. I HATE small talk. I can't stand the chit chat shit. And when I want to be me...I'll have to pull one of my close friends aside and talk--and then it will look as if I'm no social enough.

BLEH.

Not a teenage dream. At all.

So, one of the reasons I'm headed back to KS in May is for my 20 year class reunion. I've been to all of the other ones and it is...an interesting experience. I love seeing my girlfriends, but I struggle being back in SJ at times. Even though I loved my HS years, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. Whenever I go back, those feelings come back. I find myself hiding out at my parents house and keeping away from people in the TINY grocery store.

In Jr. High--7th grade year, to be exact, I was bullied. I had not a single friend. I spent as much time in my mom's classroom (she was a teacher in my HS) and hated the free period after lunch. It wasn't a cool time. I still have nightmares about it. Isn't that odd? I'm 38! Anyway, at the end of that year, I was befriended by someone on the "in crowd" and slowly, but surely, became friends with the rest. It was a strange time. I fear that I fell into bullying myself the next year to protect myself from being on the bottom again. Honestly, I can't remember. My friend, Toni and I were fighting because she was mean to me for a while...then I'm sure I was mean back--but we finally made amends (thank god) and were besties all through HS. I did notice that after her time of being at the "bottom"--she was never the same. She was guarded and although we were good friends, it was a noticeable difference. There was something that was just missing. People were mean and cruel to her...and it affected her. She had a harder exterior. She was distant. She was more independent. It affected me, too. I went the opposite direction--becoming pretty dependent on my friends. My ups and downs depended on their ups and downs. Even now, my dreams consist of my friends suddenly not liking me anymore and I don't know what to do to change their minds. whacko.

I'm recounting all of this because I started reaching out to people I thought were in my class senior year...to see if they were coming to the reunion. We're inviting ANYONE who has EVER been in our class from Kindergarten on...we are tiny, tiny class (23) and wanted more people to show up. One of the girls informed me that she transferred schools due to bullying. Uhh...I had no idea. My head was obviously up my ass. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to confront all of that, yet. UGH. How many other people had shitty times in HS and I just didn't notice? I was so into my friends and my boyfriend that I just didn't take time to pay attention. It is a sucky feeling. I understand where she is coming from. The people that bullied me...I still have grudges against. Even though I had a good group of friends--I was bullied by a select few until I graduated. I feel like if I ever saw them in St. John, they'd probably treat me the same. (I'm sure they wouldn't, but I feel that way.)

Some of my friends back then were bullies, too. Not the girls so much, but the boys. A few in particular, who were very nice to me...were absolute shits to other people. Some of this I just found out in the past year. I think I remember them being assholes...but I don't remember saying anything. I wish I had. My character was lacking.

I hate that reality.

So, I've been reaching out and trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. There is really only about 1 that I struggle being nice to--because he is STILL an asshole....but I will try. The guys in my class are mostly "good ol' boys"--there's not a ton of depth there. They were raised strict in religion and their parents were bullies, too. Bullies are everywhere. It's shocking to me...to be a parent and be a bully. ??? Uhh...did you not learn anything by having a child? Ridiculous and sad.

Still, I'm going to go in--feel insecure and nerdy--but be nice, smile and try to prove to myself that I've really grown up and that HS was a LONG time ago.

Focus.

So, I got on the scale this morning and almost croaked. I've been in a bit of a mood...sitting around and eating at night A LOT mood. The blues came upon me and so did the lbs. Not a ton, but enough for me to fit too snuggly in my jeans. This can't be. Summer is coming and I suppose to be in shorts at some point. ugh. So, I'm trying to lose the weight before my trip to Kansas. 28 days to lose 12 lbs. I can do it.

I need to turn my mood around. The sun is getting offended.  Yes, my mood caused me to retreat. I've been in my head a lot. I've been escaping in any way I know how. Getting up and moving will help. The endorphines alone should do something.

The world is a crazy place. I'm so tired of tragedies. I'm tired of useless deaths and injuries. I'm so tired of cruel, evil people. I'm tired of people losing their loved ones. I guess this will be continue. It will always be that way. It's always been that way. To be the mother of that 8 year old boy in Boston. To be the mother of any of those children in Newtown. I can hardly bare the thought of it.

Damn.

This is another point...it's time to get out of my blues. I don't have anything to be blue about. My life is good. My girls are safe and healthy. I need to focus.

Youth is wasted on the young

I'm doing my best to get into the spirit of Spring. I created a happy mix on 8tracks. (I find this brings out my inner teenager.) If there is sun, I'm trying to sit in it. I'm trying to get Harper some Vit. D. I'm looking forward to my trip to Kansas. I'm a little worried about traveling alone with the girls, but I can do it!! I don't want Z to feed off of my anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if I had so much anxiety (well, still) as a kid because my mom had so much and still does.

I'm channeling my inner teen a lot lately. I guess I shouldn't say teen, but younger self. I'm on a Party of Five marathon right now. (how much do l love that show?!) It takes me back. I like to take frequent trips back to my youth. It was a strange time, yes--but I feel very linked to it. I was able to express myself easier. As a mom, it is just harder to do that. As a teen/20, you are to act selfishly for the most part. You are able to explore and experience new things. Now, it's about other people. Are my kids happy/healthy? Is my husband happy? Is the house clean? Are we going about this in the right way?

It's just not as fun sometimes. My niece is headed to KU (University of Kansas) in August. I just want to live vicariously through her. What an exciting time. At that time in my life, almost everyone I loved was still alive. I realize that's a weird thing to think about, but I do. My friends were still around. My grandparents were still around. My body was fantastic. :) ha.

I'm also feeling nostalgic. Every time I'm about to go to Kansas I almost brace myself. "Okay, you know you love it here...but you are doing just fine in New York. This is a great place to visit."

I always want to move back when I'm there. So many of my dear friends are there--in the environment where we became friends. Powerful.

Enjoy the warmth. Embrace your youth. Email an old friend.

God. I just don't get it.

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends lost her father in a freak accident while fishing. She'd lost her brother when she was a teenager.

This is just another example of "what the hell is going on?" in my belief in God. Do I still believe? Yes. It is a different belief than the Christian belief, but I still believe. I just don't understand. I know people doubt all of the time. I know that I'm not the first and won't be the last to think--well, he must be "up there" but can't control a damn thing. How many people do I currently know are struggling in horrible depression, sickness, physical pain, poverty or loss? Many. It's true for the entire world. I know this. Becoming a mom has opened my eyes to seeing a lot more of what others go through. I was pretty damn selfish and self involved before. It seemed as if I was sad for people, but now I just feel overwhelmed by what they are going through. I wish I could help in some way. I wish I could pay the bills of my friends that are struggling. I wish I could nurse friends back to health. I wish I could just be there to hold the hands of people who are in pain.

I have close friends who are atheist. I understand where they are coming from. Jason is almost there. I think he's agnostic at this point. I used to be agnostic. I don't know why I'm not now. There is just something in me--faith?

We are not church goers. In fact, going to church freaks me out and I never feel comfortable there. I never really have. It doesn't bother me that other people go, I just don't want to. If the girls want to go--I will go with them. We will eventually take them to different kinds of churches so they can see what it is all about. We won't be raising Godless children...but I won't be pushing them into a particular faith either. I want them to believe in God. I think it could be comforting to them. Yet, when awful things happen...as they often do daily, you just continue to think--WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING???

My life is good. I have lost loved ones, yes. But, I am healthy, the girls are healthy, we are doing well. I just feel like people keep falling around me and I need to do something. Cursing God isn't going to do anything. I do feel as if the people that die are there waiting for me. That's how I get through a lot of things. I literally picture loved ones and friends all sitting around talking, playing cards, eating...just smiling and will be there to welcome me to the party. This is a simple vision, but I don't care. I feel like friends will introduce themselves to my grandparents and they will tell fun stories. It gives me comfort.

I lean away from The Bible or strict religious teachings--they seem to separate people and judge them. They seem to do a lot of harm at times. People cling to them to almost hate other people. (not everyone, but enough) I believe Jesus was kind to everyone. At least that's my recollection. He didn't say, "now look in this book--it says you're not doing it right." I don't know. I just want to treat others the way I'd want to be treated--I think he said that, too.

I can't make sense of anything. I don't understand anything. I will just continue to be as kind to people as I can. I will continue to do better in how I treat people. I will try to enjoy each day for what it is. I will try to comfort the best way I can.