movies.

A quick entry about movies.

My faves this year were Her, Philomena, 12 Years a Slave and The Wolf of Wall Street.

Her-- Perfect script. Beautifully shot. I loved the colors. When I heard him (Jaq's character) talk about the fact that he didn't believe he'd ever feel so in love (with Scarlett...) and feel so deeply--that he was feeling new feelings...when he felt he'd only feel lesser extremes of feelings he'd already felt in his life...(I'm paraphrasing)--man, did I get that. There comes a point when you have to wonder...so, is this it? Is this the greatest amount of love and joy I'm going to have and everything else will just be equal or lesser than this?? Will I ever feel something I've never felt before...again? Wow.

12 Years-- Difficult to watch, but mind blowing for me. I cried, I looked away and I felt pretty much sick afterward. But, I'm glad I went. (And I am glad I was alone.) The amount of pain on every front...the amount of agony and cruelty that people had to endure...it's hard for me not to have profound thoughts about my existence at this point in history.

Philomena--My dad is adopted. I've been researching to find his mother and not being very successful. It's a long, hard process...with lots of road blocks. I loved Judi in this. I find it hopeful and heartbreaking.

The Wolf--Hmmm...a lot of people hated this movie. I loved it for what it was. I loved the performances--crazy as they were. I was on the ride with them. I was in awe of a type of life I would never want. The riches portrayed are ones I have no interest in at all. I'm glad to know that about myself. It's a more is more movie. It's not for everyone...but I loved it.

Oscar picks are coming...

A stepford day.

Some days you just want to go back to bed. You want some one to come take care of your kids and you want to be alone. Some days you're just tired. I want to wake up and have everything done. You want to feel refreshed and happy. You want there to be food on the table that you didn't cook. The groceries bought and everyone just sitting there smiling at you.

It sounds very scary actually. Like a robotic world. right?

Yeah...I know. that's what I want today. 

sadly pathetic. annying.

Well, anxiety is getting the better of me today. And it's anxiety over nothing important. Things that I WANT done aren't getting done and I feel as if I can't keep up. Well, sort of important I guess. Like getting to the gym. I just can't seem to get there. I'm bogged down by house chores and find myself at the end of the day feeling exhausted and defeated. I haven't been in 3 weeks. I feel as if I should just admit defeat and when my trainer returns from his vacation--go in, with my head down and say, "we may be starting from the beginning...but at least I'm here." Unless I have an appt, I don't seem to go at all.

My priorities are off. I feel as if things have to be in their place before I can do anything outside of the house.

I REALLY want to be part of a book club. There are two groups that have invited me. I can't get the books read. If I'm not immediately captured by it, I get bored and move on. Annoying. I do want to be a reader. I'm more of a movie watcher and it makes me feel almost lazy--but it is what it is. However, I don't believe book clubs are meant to cause anxiety. I just want to be around a group of women again. I need a social life!!

Is all this making me sound pathetic?

I'm afraid it is...

The thing is...I want to be a reader and a movie goer. I want to write about them. I want to get letters off to friends. I want my house to be clean. I want my children to feel loved and spend time with them doing art projects and reading books. I want to be a good cook and have every meal planned and perfect. I want to go to the gym! I want to be in close contact with my good friends and check up on their lives so they know I care. I want to be on top of it all. I can't seem to do it. I'm failing in fact. And...the anxiety continues to creep in. 

UV twinkle lights need to be invented.

Look at me. 2 days in a row.

This weekend starts off the Oscar season--which means that I need to get to the movies. Jason sits with the girls while I go and see all my flicks. I don't mind movies alone...and sometimes, I'd rather. Tonight is Wolf of Wall Street. Tomorrow is a double feature of August:Osage County and Inside Llewyn Davis. I can't wait. Jason and I trade for time. He goes on bike rides (even in the cold!) and I see movies. It's a good deal.

Good movies help the winter along. Without them...it would seem just cold and joyless. Not really, but for me, it might. I look forward to Oscar season. I always know the theatres are packed with good films and I know that Dustin is on his way for his annual visit. Having annual get togethers are important. We try to have an annual 4th of July in Lake Placid and the friends and family seem to be growing in attendance for that. I think that as I grow older and my friends are far away with their own families and careers...you have to set aside time. Some aren't so friend-o-centric...but I always have been. My close friends are a part of my family.

The week has been slow going, but it's starting to get better. Last night I sat in bed and felt overwhelmed and tired. The night is the worst for me...in those moments I need to just turn off the light and go to sleep. My heart always feels heavier in the evening and a good night's rest can rejuvenate me for the next day. The day to day gets to me.

Seeing the brightly colored birds in the winter cloaked trees helps a lot. It's a nice spark of color. Hope.

I took the tree down before we left for FL. Today I have to tackle the rest of the decorations. It's a sad day. The comforting glow of lights around the windows at night always made me feel better. I'll just have to light more fires.

YES I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER!

It's awful.

Deep breath. Put on a mix from 8tracks.com and drink another cup of coffee even though it's horrible for me. whatever works. Harper is sleeping. Z is at school. It's time to be productive.

Still here.

But it's been a while. I felt like my posts were feeling like broken records. SAD grabbed a hold of me and I was a bit negative. Thought maybe I shouldn't throw that into the world. But, I'm back now...medicated and better. HA!

Let's speak to that. I did go on Wellbutrin. Was having trouble sleeping and then was feeling so anxious about it. I went to the doctor and this seemed to be a way of handling it. I tried another medication first and it made me sick. Awful. Anyway, so far so good now.

November and December are some what of a blur. It included a road trip to Orlando. We won't be doing that again for some time. A 1 year old and 4 year old aren't the best road trippers. They were troopers, but it was hard on them. We are working now on sleeping schedules. I depriving them of naps to handle it. Not winning any mom awards lately.

Jason finished is Master's Degree. Thank GOD!!! That just sucked. If anyone is working full time and going to school...they are a wreck and so are you. Sleep deprived and cranky...it is all on you to do the rest. He rocked it and got an A in his last class--without even turning in one of the papers he just couldn't get to. Unreal. He's just like that. It is sort of annoying.

I'm currently in pjs and a robe...my uniform for this week it seems. I've been in it for 2 days. Since being home, the goal is to put the house back in order. Unpacking, laundry, etc. It shouldn't be this hard. Tomorrow, Z goes back to preschool and that will help immensely. Yesterday I was so tired, I walked around in a fog.

So, for the new year...more posts. I won't back away, even if I'm feeling blue and cranky. could be humorous to someone out there.

Happy New Year.

(See, I feel this post is boring, but I'm still posting it!!)