Francis Alys

My visit to NYC still has me thinking. My friend, Jeremy, took us to the MoMA and it's really stuck with me. Seeing some of the exhibits--Francis Alys in particular was really eye opening to me. I think it's because there were so many examples of artists that think so many thoughts that I don't. Their minds are so full of wonder about the most interesting things...things that I don't give a second thought about. Now, I do. So many find beauty in the mundane. They really find art in everything. Watching a car try and try again to get up a dirt road...and what it said to me about human nature...about life. I don't know. Maybe it was the rooms full of people I didn't know, sitting and watching a film and knowing each of us took something different from it. There was a film he did titled, Tornado. We all sat in the room and watched...it was really riveting. I believe you can see it online. Some of the exhibits blew my mind. I could go there once a week. Jeremy is a member. He loves it there. I'm thrilled that he introduced me.

http://www.francisalys.com/onlineviewing.html

Go to this site and see what you think.

I feel that certain moments of my life are worth holding on to. The times when my eyes seem to see a world that looks completely different than the one I'm used to--as if my mind is actually expanding and my perspective has changed. It's fascinating. I feel as if I have a new found appreciation and it's time to learn more. Here is a picture of Francis below.

Family and phobias

Today, my mom and niece come to visit. Kendra, 16, will be attending a drama camp here in Rochester and Mom and I will hang around and play with Z. We're all headed to NYC this weekend. Of course, we pick the hottest fricken weekend so far. Ugh. We'll drive to Poughkeepsie and then take the train. J and Z are headed to Cleveland...I think. Jason can really never make his mind up until the last possible moment.

So, I'm cleaning and trying to make my life look picture perfect. ?? It's almost like I want everyone to have a vacation out of the movies. The houses are always clean and the yards are perfect and the weather is perfect and...you get the point. Ridiculous. It can't happen. I'll end up being a 36 year old child with my mom. Even though at times our roles are starting to reverse...I still feel younger. When Wendy gets here, I'll really reprise the role of younger sister. Isn't that odd?? I'm always 15, she, 20.

It's hot and muggy. It creates a feasting ground for bugs. We are cleaning out the back room of our laundry room--a cement dungeon FULL of scary things. Jason is not looking forward to the things he'll find. He's not much on bugs...at all. I don't get it. We are HUGE compared to these things. Such power we gives things that we can crush with our shoes. It's as if suddenly...it's going to jump up and latch onto your face. (Another movie phobia) Movies have enriched my life but also caused so many phobias that I almost can't leave the house. Not really...but I wonder if I'd be half as scared about anything without having that knowledge.

It was a dark and stormy morning...

Finally, rain. It's been so hot and dry. Nothing like Kansas and other states, but enough to be draining. The dark sky and rain soaked streets were a relief to drive along. The trees, swaying. The sun does put me in a great mood, most of the time. But, a dimly lit world is also nice. It makes you feel like curling up and cuddling with those you love--or just with a book. The birds are ecstatically chirping outside. They are dancing in the puddles. They've been hot and thirsty. I've been constantly filling our bird bath for some relief. Poor things. The chipmunks and squirrels like it, too.

My mom and niece are coming in tomorrow night. We leave for NYC on Friday for quick trip and it's going to be hot. Walking around hot city streets could be challenging. Luckily, we'll have museum air conditioning. I'm looking forward to watching their faces as they see things they've only seen in movies. NYC is larger than life. I will never forget my first trip there in early 2001 with my friend, Dustin. It was life changing. Had I not gone on that trip, I know I wouldn't be here, now. Isn't that cool how that works?? One trip...or one experience...and BAM...your life is changed forever.

Maybe Greta Garbo was on to something.

There are days...that you want to set aside for yourself. Ones where you just want to jet off somewhere you've never been and be alone to ponder whatever it is you want to ponder. To sit looking at something gorgeous and be inspired. To listen to music you've never heard and wonder how you've lived without it. To see something so amazing it makes you want to create. Today is one of those days.

I want to be alone.

A little soul healing.

There are days when I'm overrun with emotion it seems. Today is one of those days. I spend my time feeling thankful and thoughtful. Jason is gone for a few days on business. When he's gone I always feel grateful for him. He hates being away from the little girl. (Well, me too, but esp her) He struggles with the life he misses while he has to work. It's difficult to feel that the job you have to do to keep your family afloat is the one thing that takes you away. Ugh. We all seem to struggle with how we spend our time.

I've had a few phone conversations with girlfriends lately that have me thinking. They are stay at home mommies as well. I think that you can't help but to wonder what other paths you might have taken. It doesn't mean that you don't love your family--but sometimes watching others pursue their careers and take their hobbies to new heights can be depressing. I think it's just the time we're having right now. The "child rearing" stage. We have little ones that need constant attention now, but in the future our time will open up and we'll be able to look into more things. I write some and listen to my books. That helps. We focus on missed opportunities or what we should have studied...or where we should have moved...several things. I'm trying to make each day something I enjoy. This is VERY difficult. The dishes and the picking up of clothes and cleaning bathrooms starts to drag you down. At least it does for me. But, it's life. And all of it must be done. Baking is nice. Just making things for people. (since I can't sew) It's a way to create. Sending out the perfect thoughtful card or gift is nice. (That is rare, but it happens.) I'm not a "giver" naturally--I'll admit I'm normally a "taker." I think this comes from being a product of divorce. (Although it can go either way) I feel like I have to take or I will get overlooked. It's an immature feeling. I have to consciously think about what I can do for others. I have to make sure that I'm not so deep into my own thoughts that I forget about what others go through. I'm getting much better as I age.

I digress--the point is that yes, there are missed opps and hurt feelings and too many what if's in life. This is what hobbies are for. (Here is where you think, yeah...I don't have time for a hobby--but I'm thinking when you do have time.) If you couldn't be a marine biologist, then maybe later take up scuba diving and take a trip specifically to do that. (Here's were you think, yeah, I don't have money for that--then watch underwater documentaries.) Make it a passion that you plan around. I always wished I had done something in movies--not an actor, but behind the camera. Hence that fact that I watch my film documentaries and try to learn about film theory, etc. I won't be able to study at the Actor's Studio to learn directing or screen writing--but I can find things on line to help me learn. So we didn't go down a certain path--oh well. We can still take journeys that fulfill that desire to know. Life can be and is disappointing. Meaning that we all are let down about one thing or another. People let us down as well--but that's a whole other blog. Trying to find ways to feed your soul is the best thing I can think of to get through it. There are always excuses...why not find any way possible to feel good??

As for people...I've recently made an effort to surround myself only with people who build me up. The rest is garbage. 

We are family.

I bought a Kitchen Aid mixer last week and broke it in today with my favorite cookie, the chocolate buttery cookies I've posted in a previous blog. It was marvelous. It's so pretty, too! Cobalt blue...just love it. I'm making tons of cookies this weekend to mail and to give to neighbors. We can't have so many in the house, Jason would freak.

Lake Placid was so great. Not only is it beautiful, but I had such a great time with J's family and my friend Jeremy. He lives in NYC and I'll be seeing him again in a couple of weeks. I love that. Not having to say BIG goodbyes after a long weekend. There are just some who really brighten your world when they are around and he is one of them. I feel lucky to have a lot of friends who do that. I do feel that it helps to mix family and friends together. I used to keep them separate in a way. Or, maybe it just turned out that way. I do believe that my generation is bigger on friends being a part of the family. I know that some family members haven't enjoyed the mixing when they visit others, but that's really how it is. I feel so close to my friends...and some really are a part of my family. Besides, families aren't made up of blood relatives anymore anyway! With all of the divorces and such...does it really matter who is at Thanksgiving?? Truth be told, they make things easier. When left with just family, my nerves are shot after a period of time. Having my friends there is like having life preservers about. Some people drift away from their family--due to geography or disagreements, what have you and I feel that knowing you have a place where you are ALWAYS welcome is so great. It's all about acceptance and love and smiling when you greet someone. The world is just too negative and we all feel so damn beat up at times. I've been catty. I've nitpicked. I've gabbed behind people's backs,  yes...I have.  I'm learning to move past all of that behavior. It's just mean. It doesn't create a good feeling. Even in FB, I've started reaching out to people that I normally wouldn't have for dumb reasons. I hold on to old feelings of irritation and haven't let people grow up. That's ridiculous. I certainly wouldn't want people to judge me on my past. As long as the years see us growing in a positive way...I'm all about getting older.

Speaking of aging. I'm going to the dermatologist today. I have a few spots on my back that need to be looked at. For years I've been avoiding it. I need to go. What if something was wrong. I would never want to leave J and Z for something I just didn't want to deal with. (Worst case scenario, of course)

So, if you've been putting something off...you should just go. Deal with it. Someone out there needs you to be around.

Lake Placid for the 4th...doesn't get any better.

Mirror Lake-- The town of Lake Placid is between the two lakes.

Jeremy and my feet...relaxing! (Lake Placid)

J and I watching the fireworks.

My HS and college buddy, Jeremy came for the weekend as well.

Love this pic...J and Z on the lake.

Lake Placid (from the marina)

Go do it.

It's gorgeous outside. I just mowed the yard. If we had new landscaping...our yard would be magical. Our neighbors just landscaped the crap out of their front yard and it looks so good. I can appreciate it. Planting flowers and trees for your family to enjoy each year is such a great gift. I loved the trees in my yard growing up. I buried 3 pets ten paces toward the house from my favorite tree in the back yard. We have 3 dead trees we need to get rid of. I can't wait to plant new ones. I love our Japanese Maple. We don't have room for a Weeping Willow, or I'd plant one of those. I love lying on the ground underneath a tree and looking up at the leaves. Doesn't it make you feel safe?

Go do it and let me know.

Off to Lake Placid tomorrow. We've been there 3 years in a row for the 4th. It's our new tradition. Last year my mom went with us. This year, Jason's parents are coming and my pal from high school. I can't wait. It will be nice to get away and show people the town we love. The fireworks are beautiful. They glitter on Mirror Lake. I'll post pics when I get home.

Hope you enjoy the 4th. Spend time outside...go lie under a tree. Feel safe.