for 2012

I hope it's an easier year. I hope I get better at many things...cooking, friendship, focus, blogging, writing, mothering, romance and playing Scrabble. Let it be a year of insight. Let it be one with no tragedies. Let it help people mend...and grow. Let it be one where I feel more at peace with myself...and with others.

Big wishes. But, I am very hopeful.

From me to you.

I do wish you a silent night.
I wish you laughter that makes your face hurt.
I wish you a moment of sitting back and being so happy at what you see.
I wish you smells of good food and sounds of good music.
I wish you warmth--either by a blanket, a fire or a body.
I wish you being at peace at your decisions.
I wish you the ability to let past hurts go.
I wish you infinite positivity and feelings of a hope.
I wish you the strength to pull yourself out of old regret.
I wish you the courage to talk about issues if you are having any.
I hope you value yourself and that your life reflects that.
I hope you tell people if you love them and not hoping they just know.


You don't know what will happen. You don't know when you won't be able to do something you thinkg you will always be able to do. Life is hard, but it is what you make of it--it's how you see it and how you let it affect you.

I wish you inner light and as much hope for a good future as you can possibly muster.

And in case you need it...

i wish you a silent night

Z woke up at 3AM this morning and wanted cookies and milk...and to sing Jingle Bells and look at the tree. Had this been Christmas eve, I would have thought it adorable... Today we are all dragging. Jason was already up working in the loft and came down to help entertain her. She finally went back to bed at 4ish. Today, she is totally fine...Jason and I are dragging.

Tonight it is my goal to order all of my outgoing gifts and have that pressure relieved. Isn't that an awful way of seeing it? When bedtime is over, I normally want to plant myself on the couch, play Words with Friends and watch whatever is on the DVR. But, I will do my best to be productive.

Too tired to write anything very substantial, I do want to share some Christmas music that I've been enjoying. These albums are at the top of my list this season...and if you are on Spotify...you can listen to them. (I wish everyone was on Spotify...it's addicting)

Snow Angels by Over the Rhine
A Very She and Him Christmas by She and Him
When My Heart Finds Christmas by Harry Connick Jr. (love it every year)
A Christmas Album by Barbra Streisand (1967)
Noel by Josh Groban

I tried to like Michael Buble's Christmas album...but don't. But let's not be negative.

join Spotify- it's free. (Esp you, Stacey! I wanted to send you a Josh song today...)

If I could send these out as my holiday cards, I would.

Holiday Jeers

Christmas is Sunday. Have I bought a single gift? No. Do I feel like it's even close? No. Yet, I have the holiday stress...my chest is caving in (most likely due to no presents being bought) and I feel sad that I'm not more lit from the inside. I've been vacuuming until the panic subsides. Vacuuming is actually a great stress reliever for me. Odd? It's productive and it's shows an immediate result. I think I just need to take a deep breath, drink some eggnog, put on some happy music and start a gift list. Should I have done this 2 weeks ago? Possibly. Yet, I didn't and there must be a reason. Z is still pretty unaware of gifts and such. We're not getting her anything...her grandparents and aunties will get her enough. We already have to sort through old stuff for Good Will as it is. She is fortunate. We are fortunate. The stress of getting the perfect gift is what really puts me off, I think. I want someone to really appreciate it or need it. As adults, we normally get what we need, right? So, what do I give? Food. Why not? Makes people happy. It doesn't add to their pile of gifts they've already forgotten about and it's not something they'd get for themselves. When I was a kid, presents were what the holiday was about. As an adult, the presents just aren't it for me. Spending time together, cooking, baking, relaxing, playing games, reflecting, decompressing and doing some self evaluating. I didn't mention the obvious, Jesus. To me, the birthday of Jesus represents the birth of a great example of how man should be. He is the goodness and happiness that surrounds the holiday. We aren't religious and we don't go to church, but I understand what the holiday is about...at least how it rings true for me. I wish it were a time when we focused on bettering ourselves and being kinder to one another. The presents and stress of all of the materialistic crap really puts a damper on things. It seems to be a time of year that amplifies family hurts and woes.

Obviously, I need to do more vacuuming today.

'tis the season to blow money.

I found a play writing class. It's for 6 weeks and by the end, I will have a 10 minute play completed. I've been trying to think of what to write about. 10 minutes? That seems like a scene to me, not an entire play. I'll find some online to read.
The roofers are here. They are replacing another part of the roof--that's the 3rd part since we moved in two years ago. And...the dishwasher started pouring water all over the floor this morning. grand.

It's Friday and I wish I had a babysitter tonight. I'd love to go the movies. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is out. The Swedish film was good, I thought. I can't imagine how they'll make it here...it's horribly violent and dark. There are too many movies to see. If you are single, if you have a sitter, if your kids are grown...make a night of it! Do it for all of us who can't at this point. Eat out. See movies. Get massages. Just indulge.

What a dreamboat.

This song is stuck in my head. It makes me happy. Enjoy.

Globe noms

 The nominations were announced this morning and I realized...I've got a lot to see. Shoot. I will say that Midnight in Paris is one of my favorite movies-ever. I loved the message. I loved the ideas and I loved how true it is. Bridesmaids made me cringe and laugh. Crazy, Stupid, Love was very sweet and I own it. Ryan Gosling is just...
I loved Hugo. I cried and felt sick watching The Help. Beginners was endearing and heartbreaking. 

Modern Family ALWAYS makes me laugh. Mildred Pierce was riveting. Jason and I couldn't tear ourselves away from watching it. Cinema Verite was weird...just an odd film. Glee makes me happy. The Good Wife makes me think. I never miss American Horror Story, but I don't know why. It is twisted, awful, disturbing and makes J and I angry every week--but we always watch it. 


I see our budget taking a dive as I figure out how many of these I need to see.

January 15. NBC. I will be on my couch.



Best Motion Picture — Drama
"The Descendants"
"The Help"
"Hugo"
"The Ides of March"
"Moneyball"
"War Horse"

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Drama
Glenn Close, "Albert Nobbs"
Viola Davis, "The Help"
Rooney Mara, "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady"
Tilda Swinton, "We Need to Talk About Kevin

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama
George Clooney, "The Descendants"
Leonardo DiCaprio, "J. Edgar"
Michael Fassbender, "Shame
Ryan Gosling, "The Ides of March"
Brad Pitt, "Moneyball"

Best Motion Picture — Comedy or Musical
"50/50"
"The Artist"
"Bridesmaids"
"Midnight in Paris"
"My Week With Marilyn"

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Comedy or Musical
Jodie Foster, "Carnage
Charlize theron, "Young Adult"
Kristen Wiig, "Bridesmaids"
Michelle Williams, "My Week With Marilyn"
Kate Winslet, "Carnage"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Comedy or musical
Jean Dujardin, "The Artist
Brendan Gleeson, "The Guard"
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, "50/50"
Ryan Gosling, "Crazy, Stupid, Love."
Owen Wilson, "Midnight in Paris"

Best Animated Feature Film
"The Adventures of Tintin"
"Arthur Christmas"
"Cars 2"
"Puss in Boots"
"Rango"

Best Foreign Language Film
"The Flowers of War" (China)
"In the Land of Blood and Honey" (USA)
"The Kid With a Bike" (Belgium)
"A Separation" (Iran)
"The Skin I Live In" (Spain)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Berenice Bejo, "The Artist"
Jessica Chastain, "The Help"
Janet McTeer, "Albert Nobbs"
Octavia Spencer, "The Help"
Shailene Woodley, "The Descendants"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Kenneth Branagh, "My Week with Marilyn"
Albert Brooks, "Drive"
Jonah Hill, "Moneyball"
Viggo Mortensen, "A Dangerous Method"
Christopher Plummer, "Beginners"

Best Director — Motion Picture
Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris"
George Clooney, "The Ides of March"
Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist"
Alexander Payne, "The Descendants"
Martin Scorsese, "Hugo"

Best Screenplay — Motion Picture
Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris"
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon - "The Ides of March"
Michel Hazanavicius - "The Artist"
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash - "The Descendants"
Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin - "Moneyball"

Best Original Score — Motion Picture
Ludovic Bource - "The Artist"
Abel Korzeniowski - "W.E."
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross - "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"
Howard Shore - "Hugo"
John Williams - "War Horse"

Best Original Song — Motion Picture
"Hello Hello" — "Gnomeo & Juliet," music by Elton John, lyrics by Bernie Taupin
"The Keeper"— "Machine Gun Preacher," music and lyrics by Chris Cornell
"Lay Your Head Down" — "Albert Nobbs," music by Brian Byrne, lyrics by Glenn Close
"The Living Proof" — "The Help"; music by Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason Jr.; lyrics by Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason Jr., Damon Thomas
"Masterpiece" — W.E., music and lyrics by Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry

Best Television Series — Drama
"American Horror Story"
"Boardwalk Empire"
"Boss"
"Game of Thrones"
"Homeland"

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama
Claire Danes, "Homeland"
Mireille Enos, "The Killing"
Julianna Margulies, "The Good Wife"
Madeleine Stowe, "Revenge"
Callie Thorne, "Necessary Roughness"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series — Drama
Steve Buscemi, "Boardwalk Empire"
Bryan Cranston, "Breaking Bad"
Kelsey Grammer, "Boss"
Jeremy Irons, "The Borgias"
Damian Lewis, "Homeland"

Best Television Series — Comedy or Musical
"Enlightened"
"Episodes"
"Glee"
"Modern "Family"
"New Girl"

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Comedy or Musical
Laura Dern, "Enlightened"
Zooey Deschanel, "New Girl"
Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
Laura Linney, "The Big C"
Amy Poehler, "Parks and Recreation"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series — Comedy or Musical
Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
David Duchovny, "Californication"
Johnny Galecki, "The Big Bang Theory"
Thomas Jane, "Hung"
Matt LeBlanc, "Episodes"

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television Cinema Verite
"Downton Abbey"
"The Hour"
"Mildred Pierce"
"Too Big to Fail"

Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Romola Garai, "The Hour"
Diane Lane, "Cinema Verite"
Elizabeth McGovern, "Downton Abbey" (Masterpiece)
Emily Watson, "Appropriate Adult"
Kate Winslet, "Mildred Pierce"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Hugh Bonneville, "Downtown Abbey" (Masterpiece)
Idris Elba, "Luther"
William Hurt, "Too Big to Fail"
Bill Nighy, "Page Eight" (Masterpiece)
Dominic West, "The Hour"

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jessica Lange, "American Horror Story"
Kelly MacDonald, "Boardwalk Empire"
Maggie Smith, "Downtown Abbey" (Masterpiece)
Sofia Vergara, "Modern Family"
Evan Rachel Wood, "Mildred Pierce"

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Peter Dinklage, "Game of Thrones"
Paul Giamatti, "Too Big to Fail"
Guy Pearce, "Mildred Pierce"
Tim Robbins, "Cinema Verite"
Eric Stonestreet, "Modern Family"

sugar plum fairies danced on my head.

Last night I went to see The Nutcracker performed by the New York City Ballet. It was broadcasted live from Lincoln Center. I sat in my $15 seat...a bargain as the seats in NYC can run you $150. I had a view from the stage. It was beautiful. I loved every minute. Next to me there was a line of little ballerinas from a troop here in town. They were in awe and got excited at every new scene. They were helpful actually as they knew every character and announced them for me..."ohhh! It's Coffee! It's Hot Chocolate! It's Candy Cane!" Coffee was quite a sexy dancer! She would definitely wake up anyone. The colors were from childhood. It was so much more enjoyable than anything I've seen in a long time.

Today, I woke up with a cold. I've been battling it now for a bit, but today it started to fight back. Jason had his work holiday party today. Could there be anything worse? The thought of chasing Z around and trying to be the sweet wife...and feeling like shit...and wanting to be in bed...was difficult, but I did it. Z was exhausted, missing her nap and was starting to lay on the floor under tables trying to sleep. Jason brought us home where we both took naps and he went back to the party. He's still not home.

We leave for FL next week. I can't believe Christmas is almost here. I haven't bought a single item. Nor have I worked on a card. We normally do New Year's cards because it works better. We are never that organized to get it out before the end of the year. Again, these families with multiple children astound me. The fact that we've already received cards from people is shocking.

Today I wish I had a nanny. I wish I could have lied in bed all day. I wish the nanny had done the dishes and made all of us comfort food. I wish she'd played with Zo' and kept bringing me tea. But, no.

Bright Lights, Big City

Yesterday was a down day after getting back from NYC and trying to get back on track. Jason left on an overnight trip and Z and I were left to putz around the house together. We both have colds. I'm wiping both of our noses constantly...and we both have a husky voice. My weekend was inspiring. I feel that stepping out of your comfort zone a bit and into a life totally different than your own is good for you. Jeremy's is easy to step into. I started my weekend off by meeting him at Lincoln Center. He works for the NYC Ballet. Walking up the steps and seeing the beautifully lit tree and seeing the enormous Nutcracker posters was just gorgeous. I thought, "he sees this every day...he's used to it." I can't imagine that. He met me in the lobby and took me on a tour of the David H. Koch theatre. Rehearsals were going on for the Nutcracker and so we stood off stage and watched for a bit. It was a surreal moment for me. Again, this is normal for him. ?? He introduced me to his work friends. One might assume that these would be stuffy artsy fartsy people, but they were all kind, funny and very welcoming. I didn't feel out of place at all. After we left we made our way to the Rockefeller Christmas tree which was beautiful, yet crowded with people. Santa, Rudolf and Goofy were there as well. ?? After about 10 minutes, I was cold, exhausted and ready to head to Brooklyn.

Brooklyn is a great place to live. Jeremy took me to about 3 specialty stores and we got our loot for dinner. This is a far cry from my Tops grocery runs. I sat in his kitchen drinking wine (and hot tea as my throat was on fire at that point) as he made dinner and we chatted about life and it's ups and downs. I love the fact that I can sit with a man and still see him as 15. (We went to high school together.) He knows where I'm from. He may be living this surreal life to me, but he says he is just a farm boy who lives in NYC. He is down to earth, kind and is very quick to point out how my life is just as inspiring. It is easy to feel pretty damn blah in this setting. The night was perfect. We sat and ate, drank, laughed and I met his roommate, Robby and his girlfriend, Maya--again, the nicest of people. Jeremy does well at surrounding himself with quality friends.

So, let's jump to Hugh--though I'm skipping through brunch and shopping in SoHo which was fun for me to explore for the first time. J and I both gave the performance a B-. It was entertaining, but self promoting and felt overly rehearsed and stiff. The songs weren't anything you wouldn't hear on a tribute to Broadway album sung by anyone. (Sorry Hugh) His dancers weren't in tune with one another. He seemed as if he was walking through the show a bit. Maybe he hold out for the evening performance? I hate to be this rough on him...he was charming and funny, but I expected more off the cuff. I've seen Harry Connick Jr. several times and I was expecting a show more like his. HCJ is an amazing talent and can easily switch up a show on a whim by what's happening in the audience. He is smooth and rarely shaken and you feel that this show is JUST for you. Hugh's off the cuff moments seemed planned. Oh well, it was fun to experience.
(BTW, Dolly Parton and Barbra Streisand were probably the best performers I've ever seen...and I recommend paying the ticket to see them if you ever get the chance.)

We went back to Brooklyn and I cooked dinner. We all sat around together talking about relationships and watched back episodes of Glee. I sat there thinking...these people are accomplished, kind, funny and very bright. Their life is so city. The subway is their daily commute. They walk everywhere. They may have a car, but it's rarely used. They are busy going to shows, producing shows, going out to eat and sitting around having conversations that mean something. My life seemed...less productive. Aside from raising a great girl, I don't really pursue things that inspire me. Jeremy has his own theatre company for heaven's sake. (http://trustysidekick.org) His roommate, Rob, manages an improv theatre. Ok, I need to do something. So, after talks with Jeremy...I've decided to try my hand at writing a play. I've mentioned my interest before on this blog, but I never truly pursued it. Now, I feel inspired and motivated. I need to create something. I feel good about it.

I recommend always trying to surround yourself with people who raise you up. When I'm around lazy people, I'm lazy. When I'm around people that bring their A game...it makes me want to follow suit. (Thanks Jeremy.)

 Here you go...here's Hugh as Peter Allen. My only pic because I was afraid to get caught!

 Jeremy and I on Sunday morning...pj's and all!

And J with the NYT...listening to NPR and drinking his coffee. Love this picture.

Coffee? Tea? Xanax?

My house and my life seem out of control. Z's sleeping schedule was thrown off last weekend and hasn't recovered. NEVER BREAK THE SCHEDULE!!! I was trying to be cool mom...instead of uptight mom and it backfired. Now, she's a mess, I'm a mess, the house is a mess--it's a cycle. I haven't blogged. I haven't folded the laundry. I haven't cooked a meal yet this week. That's all changing today. The weather sucks, that's a given. The cold, rainy, gray days make me want to jump off of a cliff. So, I have a bit of SAD happening. Given. But, I think it is blown up by being overwhelmed with everything else. I think the OCD is also playing a part. I obsessed over making Z strawberry frosted angel food cake cupcakes for her birthday--got those done last night, but let's be honest...they were more for me. It's almost like I HAVE to make them on her birthday and mine or else my grandparents won't be represented. Ridiculous. I finally got to the grocery store yesterday. I hadn't gone since before Thanksgiving. Shocking. We were eating odd concoctions.

Z turned 2 on Monday. We spent the day in our pj's doing whatever she wanted and then went to the mall where she rode the carousel about 9 times. They make me sick so J went with her. I was nauseous just watching them go round and round. ugh.

I'm drinking my heated up coffee with my Almond Joy creamer and feeling content as I set out my day. We just got back from Little Gym where Z wouldn't really cooperate, but she did fine. She is off. I will admit, I worry about the weekend. I'm headed to NYC to see Dewey and she will have Daddy Weekend here. J isn't great about enforcing bedtime. He's a softy...and hence, her favorite parent. But, I'm going to let it go and enjoy my time and not worry about it. If she's a monster when I return, oh well. At least I saw Hugh Jackman sing and dance. Life is good.

Tis the season for anti-depressants. I'm holding off for now. I just need a lot of hugs. Don't we all.

Team Edward

Amanda sent this one to me...had to post. The PERFECT Halloween costume!!!

Jason would look awesome like this. (or me...)

Blue glow

Again, drip...drip...drip. The clouds are back. The rain is back. I'm keeping my lights on all day just to keep it glowing indoors. We have a babysitter tonight!! Dinner and a movie--Hugo 3D. I think we'll just do PF Changs because it's good and it's right there. Just to eat out is nice! We need it. This week hasn't been the best. Our moods are bad. We haven't been poster children for marriage as we struggle through our week annoyed and full of anxiety. So, maybe a date night will help. Let's be serious...the alcoholic drinks will help.

We travel to Cleveland tomorrow to celebrate Thanksgiving with J's mom and to celebrate Z's 2nd birthday. I'll sit back and let her be spoiled and just relax about it. (This is what I'm telling myself.) Being in charge all week makes it hard for me to let go. But, this is what is what I wanted...for her to have the grandparent experience of complete adoration and spoiling. I just need to sit and smile and be happy for her....as I think, "Now there is just more stuff to put away..." (Bah Humbug.) I suck.

NYC is coming...soon...focus....I'm almost there....

Here's a nice depressing winter poem I found.

(Written by BadKarAyoke)

Lonely Winter

To my left..
Two empty chairs
Dirty laundry, blue lights
And bottles of prescription pills

To my right..
A shiny new machine
One cigar, helicopters
And a bookshelf of broken dreams

I sit in the middle of my fluid environment
While melodies fill the air

I look straight ahead to find no one there

The cold air sinks in and
I shiver reaching for my cup of hot tea

The warmth flows internally as I remain
Frozen to the world before me


-----------
Laugh with someone tonight and break the cycle of blahness.

June Cleaver, I am not.

The sun is shining. Thank you. I'm listening to Winter Songs by Hotel Cafe (found on itunes). I love it. Z is playing behind me. Jason is out today. Z and I are going to decorate the tree in the sitting room today. We'll get a real tree for the kitchen/great room. (what pretentious names, yes? I use them to annoy.)
Last night I went to the library and got a couple of books I'm excited about. I'd never heard of this author before...I felt like I'd discovered gold. Her name is Joan Anderson. I got A Year by the Sea- Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman. The title screamed my name as I passed by it. The next is An Unfinished Marriage. It's the follow up, so, I had to get it as well. As I struggle with the stay at home part of my existence, I feel this book is appropriate. I am not made for this, though I love Z and I don't want her to be with anyone else during the day. I'm not pre school teachery. I'm not selfless enough. I'm not someone who would consider home schooling--too afraid of royally messing her up. I am the disciplinarian. I am the playmate. I am the one who bakes her cookies. I'm the one who decorates the house. I'm the one that sees her ups and downs and who journals about each day in order to feel literate. I try to read something each day. I try to write something each day. I try to focus a bit on myself, alone. Does that sound motherly to you?? I struggle with my own ups and downs and worry I'm not sunshiney enough for her at times. Yet, she is lovely. She is smart. She is sweet and funny and excels at everything she does. I would love to take all of the credit, but I do feel she was born with a little extra something. The mixture of Jason and me seems to work well for her chemistry.



The blue jays and cardinals look beautiful in the naked trees. I'm watching a woodpecker right now. He's hopping from limb to limb...trying to find something to eat, I'm guessing. I really hope I come back a bird. Something brightly colored. Something hopeful.