I want to be one of those people that I like to be around. I enjoy upbeat, sunshiny people. People I know who struggle, yet seem to be so resilient. I have many ups and downs during the day. And maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about it, yes. However, the feelings are here and I have times where I feel too vulnerable and want to find a safe place to hide. As a grown woman, I find this disheartening. I want to be a warrior women, not a victim. Z doesn't see it, but I feel it. It could be that I naturally struggle with my emotions--passed down to me from many women in my family who struggle emotionally. I fight against it. I write about it, I clean, I organize, I sing, I dance, I go to the gym, I think of how Z needs me to be, I bake. Sometimes I bask in the sun like a cat. I try to absorb as much Vit D as I possibly can. I am plagued by daily bouts of doubt and concern. I worry about offending people or of not being what I need to be for them. My mother would say that a job outside the home would do me some good. That thought only seems to aggravate me. Why am I not wired the way I want to be? Why do I not control how I am? So, like most days, I come up with a game plan--or create a list of things to complete in order to feel productive. "If it looks right, it will all be all right." (this is such bullshit)
At this time, I don't want to take medicine in order to feel better. I've done that. It didn't work with my life. At this time, I'll going to just purge here (lucky you) and hope it's enough to bleed out the negativity of the day. I want to feel strong and creative and weightless.
My need to surround myself with strong women seems to work like grasping at floatation devices. I hope to float on my own one day soon. I do more days than I used to. It will come.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Funeral Blues
Funeral Blues by Wystan Hugh Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
This resonates much more to me now than it did when I originally heard it many years ago. Below it's read in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Today, I read it again in Blue Nights.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
This resonates much more to me now than it did when I originally heard it many years ago. Below it's read in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Today, I read it again in Blue Nights.
quick.
headed to the gym to help with anxiety brought on by lack of sleep. it helps! i doubt i will burn very many calories...but at least i will get to listen to my book. sometimes just getting out and breathing fresh air helps.
breath in breath out breath in breath out breath in.....
love that song.
breath in breath out breath in breath out breath in.....
love that song.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Bad Religion and Bad Friends.
So, yesterday I was paralyzed at the thought of coming up with a scene and monologue for class. I became tired--naps are my natural escape. It's very Scarlett O'Hara (I'll think about that tomorrow)--but today I have them down. The monologue will deal with a friendship that needs to be cut loose. Or, I at least need to take a step back from them. My realization comes after a phone call in which I feel worse after than before--and I was already coming from a very low place. I was calling for solace and found none. I really feel that many deal with this issue. We have friends that are toxic to us. They don't mean to be--but they drain your energy and you have nothing left after talking with them. They are so self absorbed that you've become a sounding board for them, not a friend. Friends listen and respond. They acknowledge you and validate you. We somehow become unpaid therapist.
The two page scene is derived from a conversation I had with Jason after we were told we were not allowed to stay at his parents' home together because we were not married. (We'd stayed there before when were "just friends") It deals with his frustration about religion and my irritation at the fact that we were seen as a "bad influence" on their teenage son. (The same son that we knew was already having sex and doing drugs, but they didn't know that yet.) ----This is no longer the case. This was over 5 years ago, but the scene is a good one.
So, my planning is done. That's a relief. I came up early this morning with Z and as she watched cartoons, I brainstormed. It was a good morning for both of us. I created a mini fortress and we both sat it in and did our thing.
I'm hoping to get the playwriting rhythm down first and then tackle the stories I really want to tackle. Until then, I don't feel that I have the skill set to show them the respect they deserve. My mom is jumping right in though--right into the issues she needs to deal with. She's more seasoned though...and is a natural writer. She and my sister are naturally good at everything--I have to work at everything...for years.
The two page scene is derived from a conversation I had with Jason after we were told we were not allowed to stay at his parents' home together because we were not married. (We'd stayed there before when were "just friends") It deals with his frustration about religion and my irritation at the fact that we were seen as a "bad influence" on their teenage son. (The same son that we knew was already having sex and doing drugs, but they didn't know that yet.) ----This is no longer the case. This was over 5 years ago, but the scene is a good one.
So, my planning is done. That's a relief. I came up early this morning with Z and as she watched cartoons, I brainstormed. It was a good morning for both of us. I created a mini fortress and we both sat it in and did our thing.
I'm hoping to get the playwriting rhythm down first and then tackle the stories I really want to tackle. Until then, I don't feel that I have the skill set to show them the respect they deserve. My mom is jumping right in though--right into the issues she needs to deal with. She's more seasoned though...and is a natural writer. She and my sister are naturally good at everything--I have to work at everything...for years.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Eavesdropper
Today I'm researching. I had my playwriting class last night. It was the first night. It was intimidating. I felt such anxiety to write something profound. It didn't happen. I wanted to write something perfectly witty and inspired. That didn't happen either. We had 10 mins to put together 2 pages, 2 characters--neither could say over 4 words per line. The first line was "I'm here." It was challenging. I did it, but it wasn't fantastic. Today I'm relieved to have a week to create. We're to have a scene and a monologue done by next Thursday. I have no idea what I will write. I'm looking through magazines to get ideas from pictures. It will come to me. It's a great way to make your brain work in ways it doesn't normally. It's a good way to jump start my writing. I loved the building we were in. It's definitely a community of writers...like minded souls. I felt at home.
So, today...I'm thinking of conversations that I would love to overhear. What would keep me glued to every word? What would I be willing to stand in the hall for ten minutes to hear?
On a side note...about good conversations...Rosie totally reconstructed her show on OWN. It was a talk show with an audience...it was rather boring to me last season. This season it is a one on one conversation with her guest. She did a two day show with Kathy Griffin and it was excellent. Really. It could be that not every show is a one on one...but the ones that are, are spot on.
Here is a clip. They didn't have the best moments of the show posted, but these aren't bad.
here's one more.
So, today...I'm thinking of conversations that I would love to overhear. What would keep me glued to every word? What would I be willing to stand in the hall for ten minutes to hear?
On a side note...about good conversations...Rosie totally reconstructed her show on OWN. It was a talk show with an audience...it was rather boring to me last season. This season it is a one on one conversation with her guest. She did a two day show with Kathy Griffin and it was excellent. Really. It could be that not every show is a one on one...but the ones that are, are spot on.
Here is a clip. They didn't have the best moments of the show posted, but these aren't bad.
here's one more.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
FU, SAD
Tonight is my playwriting class. It's the first night, so I'm a little anxious. The writing I've had in my head lately is less about the dialogue and more about the thoughts before the words. That's hard to portray in a play. I know basically what I want to write about. I don't know how much experience will be in the class--I have none. I wrote stories, when I did write. This will be totally different. It's good to exercise the muscle.
Today is a day where I feel as if I keep taking deep breaths--as if I'm about to dive into water. I seem to react to how my insides are feeling instead of creating my mood. I don't have a split personality, but I feel as if there are two parts of me. The inside workings and the physical reaction--but they are not connected. Sounds like a great reason to meditate. Maybe I do just need to sit silently for a bit.
I hope to meet new friends tonight. I'm hoping to feel inspired. I'm hoping to feel comfortable and at ease. I do put too much weight onto certain situations. I base a lot on how I feel. I look for like mindedness. I look for "feelers" and people who are not afraid to skip small talk. (Oh, how I hate small talk.) I am tired of feeling like I have to be amongst people where I obviously don't fit in. That is what school was for. You were forced to sit with these people. As an adult, you can choose. And, at 36 (almost 37), I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time with anyone who I can't see ever being close to.
When Z wakes up, I'll go the gym. We've gone every day this week. It helps to get my heart pumping. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real. The fight is on.
Today is a day where I feel as if I keep taking deep breaths--as if I'm about to dive into water. I seem to react to how my insides are feeling instead of creating my mood. I don't have a split personality, but I feel as if there are two parts of me. The inside workings and the physical reaction--but they are not connected. Sounds like a great reason to meditate. Maybe I do just need to sit silently for a bit.
I hope to meet new friends tonight. I'm hoping to feel inspired. I'm hoping to feel comfortable and at ease. I do put too much weight onto certain situations. I base a lot on how I feel. I look for like mindedness. I look for "feelers" and people who are not afraid to skip small talk. (Oh, how I hate small talk.) I am tired of feeling like I have to be amongst people where I obviously don't fit in. That is what school was for. You were forced to sit with these people. As an adult, you can choose. And, at 36 (almost 37), I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time with anyone who I can't see ever being close to.
When Z wakes up, I'll go the gym. We've gone every day this week. It helps to get my heart pumping. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real. The fight is on.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Blue Nights
I started a new book, Blue Nights by Joan Didion. It's a memoir about a woman mourning the loss of her daughter. It's beautifully written. The triggers of memory...the questioning of her own mothering...it's something so relatable. Her thought processes are understandable. I think there is so much to learn through loss--it is easier to read about it or to hear about it...instead of going through it yourself. Nothing can prepare us for such grief. I know this. I picked the book to read in order to learn how maybe I could see things differently in my own life. I learn through others' experiences the best. I've always been slow to learn how to go about life. I always look for direction. Death is such a part of life--but I struggle with how to cope with it. I struggle with how to comfort others. The more I learn about the lives of others, the more I learn about myself. I feel as if I'm somehow arming myself for things to come. The shock of such loss seems to put chinks in my armor. I know it won't work. I know I won't feel any more prepared...but I'll have some type of comfort knowing how someone else found their way.
I highly recommend it.
Her Muse Has Died - Ronda Miller
Her Muse Has Died
In remembrance - Dima (By Ronda Miller--a dear friend of mine)
Her muse has died.
Still, the snow flies
and the wind whistles
through the trees.
Buds push upwards
towards light.
Backs of heads turn as faces
of human and flower alike
follow movement of the sun.
Her muse has died.
Earth revolves on its axis,
the ground splits open
during droughts.
Fire ants harvest delights
to present their queen.
Shrill cicadas burst forth,
impossible to silence,
their sounds deafening.
Newly birthed lime green bodies climb through seams that once held them tight.
Beige shells, left gaping and alone, clutch in death's grip
on surfaces such as trees or
undersides of decks,
barely making
it above ground before abandoned.
For all the protection
once provided, now so
light to hold in hands
large or small.
One swift movement
transforms into crumpled
remains blown
by the slightest breeze
or even the breath of a child.
Her muse has died.
Tears flood her face,
washing it anew each
morning and night
where time fells the aloneness deep inside her chest.
She cannot help but wonder how she could be left alive through such pain.
Still, wheat rustles
in its sheath, never alone,
crowded upon the stem
so green, now astonishing
in the golden
splendor of the sun and moon.
Dew descends like a jewel
into the darkness of the night, reflecting the slightest of light so all with vision
view the twinkling.
A tiny universe of starlight
among the blades of grass.
Her muse has died,
but nature echoes back.
I've posted poems by Ronda before. I love this one.
In remembrance - Dima (By Ronda Miller--a dear friend of mine)
Her muse has died.
Still, the snow flies
and the wind whistles
through the trees.
Buds push upwards
towards light.
Backs of heads turn as faces
of human and flower alike
follow movement of the sun.
Her muse has died.
Earth revolves on its axis,
the ground splits open
during droughts.
Fire ants harvest delights
to present their queen.
Shrill cicadas burst forth,
impossible to silence,
their sounds deafening.
Newly birthed lime green bodies climb through seams that once held them tight.
Beige shells, left gaping and alone, clutch in death's grip
on surfaces such as trees or
undersides of decks,
barely making
it above ground before abandoned.
For all the protection
once provided, now so
light to hold in hands
large or small.
One swift movement
transforms into crumpled
remains blown
by the slightest breeze
or even the breath of a child.
Her muse has died.
Tears flood her face,
washing it anew each
morning and night
where time fells the aloneness deep inside her chest.
She cannot help but wonder how she could be left alive through such pain.
Still, wheat rustles
in its sheath, never alone,
crowded upon the stem
so green, now astonishing
in the golden
splendor of the sun and moon.
Dew descends like a jewel
into the darkness of the night, reflecting the slightest of light so all with vision
view the twinkling.
A tiny universe of starlight
among the blades of grass.
Her muse has died,
but nature echoes back.
I've posted poems by Ronda before. I love this one.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
thin skinned
It is a slow morning...nice. Z woke us up before 7, she went down for an early nap. The gray light is slowly pouring into the windows of the house. I've had too much coffee already. I did watch the Oscar nominations...and already posted my thoughts. I'm productive.
______later
I'm replaying a conversation in my head I had with someone yesterday who seem to convey that staying at home is for the mindless. I know that is not what they said, it is what I heard. (too sensitive???!) It is hard to stay home. It is hard to go to dinner and have people discussing work and I have nothing to add. It is hard to have people say patronizing things to you about staying home. It's aggravating. Is EVERY DAY a hard day? No. Yes, some days are lazy. Some days we stay in our pajamas. Some days she is wonderful with no tantrums and those days seem like a cake walk. But then there are other days...that most people would want to leave out the front door within minutes. Yes, I only have one right now. Gosh, must seem pretty simple.
Am I taking it too personally? Yes. Because I struggle with it as well. I miss going to work. I miss having co-workers. I miss thinking about different things than I do right now. I miss dressing up. But, I am happy to do what I'm doing. I love the relationship I have with Z. I would never discredit a working mom...ever. I can't imagine having so mental energy. We who stay home struggle with many things. Women who work struggle. There is no clear answer...but I'm bothered.
______later
I'm replaying a conversation in my head I had with someone yesterday who seem to convey that staying at home is for the mindless. I know that is not what they said, it is what I heard. (too sensitive???!) It is hard to stay home. It is hard to go to dinner and have people discussing work and I have nothing to add. It is hard to have people say patronizing things to you about staying home. It's aggravating. Is EVERY DAY a hard day? No. Yes, some days are lazy. Some days we stay in our pajamas. Some days she is wonderful with no tantrums and those days seem like a cake walk. But then there are other days...that most people would want to leave out the front door within minutes. Yes, I only have one right now. Gosh, must seem pretty simple.
Am I taking it too personally? Yes. Because I struggle with it as well. I miss going to work. I miss having co-workers. I miss thinking about different things than I do right now. I miss dressing up. But, I am happy to do what I'm doing. I love the relationship I have with Z. I would never discredit a working mom...ever. I can't imagine having so mental energy. We who stay home struggle with many things. Women who work struggle. There is no clear answer...but I'm bothered.
And...the nominees are...
BEST PICTURE
The ArTisT- Have yet to see it, but see it winning.
The DescenDAnTs- Saw it...surprised to see it as a nominee.
exTremely louD & increDibly close--hopefully seeing it soon!!
The help-- saw it. deserved.
hugo- saw it, deserved. a beautiful film.
miDnighT in pAris saw it, deserved. (loved this one.)
moneybAll--saw it...a surprise...
The Tree of life--at least I can order it on Amazon...have yet to see.
WAr horse--have yet to see.
ACToR In A LEAdIng RoLE -- I can't believe Michael Fassbender was not nominated.
I haven't seen all of these yet...but I really did think Clooney was outstanding.
Demián bichir
A BeTTeR Life
george clooney
THe DeSCeNDANTS
Jean Dujardin
THe ARTiST
gary oldman
TiNKeR TAiLoR SoLDieR SPy
brad pitt---REALLY???!!!
MoNeyBALL
ACToR In A SUPPoRTIng RoLE--Have a lot to see here...Jonah was very good. Plummer was great.
Kenneth branagh
My WeeK WiTH MARiLyN
Jonah hill
MoNeyBALL
nick nolte
WARRioR
christopher plummer
BeGiNNeRS
max von sydow
exTReMeLy LouD & iNCReDiBLy CLoSe
ACTRESS In A LEAdIng RoLE-- Loved Rooney and Viola...need to see the others.
glenn close
ALBeRT NoBBS
Viola Davis
THe HeLP
rooney mara
THe GiRL WiTH THe DRAGoN TATToo
meryl streep
THe iRoN LADy
michelle Williams
My WeeK WiTH MARiLyN
ACTRESS In A SUPPoRTIng
RoLE-- I think Mccarthy's nom was so great. I loved her. Nice to see.
bérénice bejo
THe ARTiST
Jessica chastain
THe HeLP
melissa mccarthy
BRiDeSMAiDS
Janet mcTeer
ALBeRT NoBBS
octavia spencer
THe HeLP
Monday, January 23, 2012
I remember you...
It's raining. It's gray...but my mood is good. My back is somewhat out again. ?? I stood wrong for a second and there it went. Strange. Makes me feel so old.
Saturday night we went to see Shame. Wow. I knew what it was about. I sort of knew what to expect. However, I didn't think I would be enlightened...and actually feel how desperate the characters felt. I didn't know I would somewhat relate. (It's about a man--Michael Fassbender dealing with sexual addiction..and his sister who is a vulnerable, lost soul.) It was excruciating to watch at times. The sex didn't bother me as much as how he seemed in so much pain all of the time. And goodness...Carey Mulligan, who plays his sister--she was fantastic. She is someone you just want to take care of. She is an open wound. They both need such mending and attending to. It was heartbreaking, really.
Before the movie we went out to eat. It was a new place to me, but J has been there a few times. It was cute. We ate pizza and talked without interruption. I had a key lime martini-my fave. Sitting there talking was so nice. I looked across the table and realized how he was opening up about how he felt about so many things. I felt connected. It's hard to connect all of the time with Z running about. I saw my friend again. I thought, "Gosh, I really like this guy." I always like him...but I don't always understand him. The fact that he was able to communicate so well about his thoughts and feelings at this stage in his life was so refreshing and all of the confused parts of our life seemed to find a place. I saw an order. I saw the bridge between us being rebuilt. It was great. We are so into our own daily struggles, it is hard to relate to the other sometimes. It just takes some quiet time to be able to express how we are really feeling. And sometimes, it takes a break to understand it ourselves. He needs a journey, a trip. I truly believe in trips without the other. Time away to reconnect to yourself. That is so important. I hope he can carve out some time to do that.
Sunday we relaxed a bit. I finally made my dreaded trek to the grocery store--an errand I abhor. I made chili for the week. Now there is no guess work as to what to eat. Thank goodness for crock pots.
The rain is somewhat comforting. It's 50 degrees. The snow is still covering the ground...everything is so wet. You can't be but grateful that you are warm and dry. The light is on the inside today...I'm thankful for that.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
my youth was wasted on me, too.
There are days when I know blogging isn't the best idea. When my head is filled with shadows and ghosts and longing for days gone by really is a waste of time. I am affected by my dreams. So many don't even remember them. Mine stay with me for days. When I'm in them, I can feel, touch, smell things--and then I wake up without them and feel the loss all over again. The sun is out and it's a beautiful crisp day. I would love to be in the moment. My heart is heavy. I woke up feeling as if I'd just been there. We go through so many lifetimes. Each has it's own greatness. But, we carry ourselves full of holes into the next. Keats is so right on in Ode to a Grecian Urn. Such sweet moments frozen in time...nothing changes or loses its beauty over time. It just is--and it stays. After sweet moments are gone, they are gone. (My god, could this get more depressing??!!) There are days when I wake up and everything is the best it's ever been. I am optimistic and bright eyed. I am thankful and looking forward. But then there are days like today--when you just miss certain times of life, certain feelings felt or just the feeling of being young and new to it all. I miss my heart bursting and stomach twirling with things I'd never felt before. I miss being wrapped up in someone--when you both have all day to just want each other. I miss times before real life responsibilities take us away from one another.
I've posted this before, but I'll do it again. The second verse is the one I refer to most often. The language can be rough, but the meaning stays true with me.
Ode To A Grecian Urn--John Keats
I've posted this before, but I'll do it again. The second verse is the one I refer to most often. The language can be rough, but the meaning stays true with me.
Ode To A Grecian Urn--John Keats
Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunts about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?
Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!
Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.
Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.
O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Fitter. Happier. More Productive.
Today is a better day. My back is feeling tender, but so much stronger than it has been. I've been taking advantage and have been very productive. I can move! Been cleaning and organizing. Been sending emails to friends, catching up on IMs. I'm coming back into the world. Pain has a way of making you retract. I just want to find a rock and hide until I feel better. I moved the rock today, but I wish the sun had come out as well. I need to get to the gym at least once this week.
I'm listening to Joni Mitchell. I dig her. She fits the mood I'm in. Hopeful. Her voice reminds me of home, too. Kansas. Not sure why. I get homesick sometimes. Not to be in St. John really...to be back in time, I suppose. I want to be in my St. John...the one that existed in the 90s. I want to see friends I haven't seen in a while. I all want us to be young. I want our parents to be alive. I want our grandparents to be alive. I want to know what I know now though. I want to wiser with my time and with others' feelings. I want to be more focused on school and friendships. Everyone probably feels these things. It is a total waste of time. I know this. I look backward a lot. I miss things. It's not that I'm not happy now. I am. Just miss people. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't miss someone who has died.
I have a strong feeling I'll see them again. I just really hope I am right.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I'm a pain in the @$$
So, my back seems to be a little out. I am walking, but I look pretty funny doing it. I can't pick up Z or struggle with her in any way--which she's quickly learned (a-ha! I can get away!) . She is kissing my back a lot though, which is nice. It started on Sunday and has been getting worse. Hmmm. It puts me in a bit of a bad mood, which sucks. The fact that it is freezing, doesn't help. You know, it's days like this when I always think how lucky I am to have my good health. I can't imagine being in pain every day. It makes me cranky...and honestly, it makes me want to lie in bed and sleep all day. (Denial??) It frustrates me that I'm not a tougher person. I have a low tolerance for pain. I hate it. It's a day where I annoy myself. So not cool.
If you are reading this in good health...be thankful. Do a sit up to celebrate. We take so much for granted. I need to kick my whiny self in the ass.
If you are reading this in good health...be thankful. Do a sit up to celebrate. We take so much for granted. I need to kick my whiny self in the ass.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
3:27pm
I just finished reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close--just about 4 minutes ago.
The journey of grief is different for everyone. You do what you have to do. You can't judge another. You can't want them to be different--you can't push them through it or push yourself. Just go through it. You have to do whatever you can to get through it.
When I think of Carrie, I think of how she would react to things I do. She keeps me honest.
When I think of my grandparents, I think of their laughter and their ability to make you feel like the most important person in the room. That is a great way to treat people.
When I think of Bill, I think of his smile, how he was always ready to chat about anything and how I never knew he was dealing with MS. He just enjoyed life.
When I think of Uncle Harry, I'm just sad that I really didn't know him. That makes me try harder with others.
The journey of grief is different for everyone. You do what you have to do. You can't judge another. You can't want them to be different--you can't push them through it or push yourself. Just go through it. You have to do whatever you can to get through it.
When I think of Carrie, I think of how she would react to things I do. She keeps me honest.
When I think of my grandparents, I think of their laughter and their ability to make you feel like the most important person in the room. That is a great way to treat people.
When I think of Bill, I think of his smile, how he was always ready to chat about anything and how I never knew he was dealing with MS. He just enjoyed life.
When I think of Uncle Harry, I'm just sad that I really didn't know him. That makes me try harder with others.
tear jerker
Even if you don't like country music...this song is just so good. I just heard it for the first time today. I sat and cried.
Brad Paisley (Dolly Parton) - When I Get Where I'm Going.
I always think of my grandparents and seeing them again. Love it.
I always think of my grandparents and seeing them again. Love it.
Monday, January 16, 2012
all I can think about today.
Last night I had a dream that I was up in a very tall building, working...when the wind picked up and knocked it over. (9/11 anxiety dream.) I felt it falling. I knew I was going to die. I was at peace with it, but I was very scared. I remember seeing my friends, Toni, Angie and Carolyn and kept saying over and over..."I love you." It was terrifying. My friend Craig was also in the building, but I didn't know it. Later I found that he was in a coma in the hospital. (I assume the coma was from seeing The Descendants) I'd seen the trailer for Extremely Loud and Incredilbly Close last night--where Sandra is looking at the WTC falling. (That ties in the building falling) I was in love with Craig in 2001--there's that link. I always dream about Toni and Angie (they represent my life)...and Carolyn is a Chicago friend--linking my living in Chicago at the time. (At least this is my best way to break it all down...) I woke up and thought about it all for quite a while. I was single then. I do believe that if 9/11 were to have happened this year instead of in 2001, it would have had a different impact on me. I wouldn't say greater, because I was in shock when it happened. I was far away from home. I was in strange settings...in the biggest city I'd ever lived. I was living it with everyone else--glued to the tv. However, my frame of mind is just different now. Also, being 36 is different than 26. I'm more mature. I think more about other people. At 26, I was still pretty focused on myself. I may be jaded in some areas of my life, but I do feel the weight of the world's suffering more now than I ever did before. I cry more for people. I think more about people. I put myself in their shoes all of the time to try to understand what they must be going through. When Z crawled in bed with me this morning...I thought, "had I had you in 2001, I can't imagine being in that building." I can actually cry for those who lost people 10 years ago, today. I can feel the ache and the fear. I am happy that in the dream, it was more important for my friends to hear me tell them I love them than for me to hear it. I need to say it more.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
With the Globes, you really never know...
The format went to shit...but you get the idea. oh well...
- BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
- THE DESCENDANTS
Ad Hominem Enterprises; Fox Searchlight Pictures - THE HELP ***I think this should get it.DreamWorks Pictures, Participant Media; Touchstone Pictures
- HUGO **I'd love this to win!Paramount Pictures presents a GK Films Production; Paramount Pictures
- THE IDES OF MARCH
Columbia Pictures, Cross Creek Pictures, Exclusive Media Group, Crystal City Entertainment; Sony Pictures Releasing - MONEYBALL
Columbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing International - WAR HORSE
DreamWorks Pictures; Touchstone Pictures
- THE DESCENDANTS
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
GLENN CLOSE ALBERT NOBBS VIOLA DAVIS THE HELP **should win?? ROONEY MARA THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO MERYL STREEP THE IRON LADY TILDA SWINTON WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
GEORGE CLOONEY THE DESCENDANTS **hope to win LEONARDO DICAPRIO J. EDGAR MICHAEL FASSBENDER SHAME RYAN GOSLING THE IDES OF MARCH BRAD PITT MONEYBALL
- BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
- 50/50
Summit Entertainment and Mandate Pictures; Summit Entertainment - THE ARTIST
a La Petite Reine – Studio 37 – La Classe Americaine – JD Prod- France3 Cinema – Jouror Production-uFilms coproduction; The Weinstein Company - BRIDESMAIDS
Universal Pictures, Relativity Media, Apatow Productions; Universal Pictures - MIDNIGHT IN PARIS** Really want this to win!!!A Mediapro, Versatil Cinema & Gravier Production; Sony Pictures Classics
- MY WEEK WITH MARILYNThe Weinstein Company; The Weinstein Company
- 50/50
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
JODIE FOSTER CARNAGE CHARLIZE THERON YOUNG ADULT KRISTEN WIIG BRIDESMAIDS MICHELLE WILLIAMS **win?no idea. MY WEEK WITH MARILYN KATE WINSLET CARNAGE
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
JEAN DUJARDIN **thinking so... THE ARTIST BRENDAN GLEESON THE GUARD JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT 50/50 RYAN GOSLING CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE. OWEN WILSON MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
- BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
- THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN *** YES. want to see it.
Paramount Pictures/Columbia Pictures/ Hemisphere Capital/Amblin Entertainment/Wingnut Films Production/ Kennedy/Marshall Production A Steven Spielberg Film; Paramount Pictures and Columbia Pictures - ARTHUR CHRISTMASColumbia Pictures & Sony Pictures Animation, Aardman; Sony Pictures Releasing International
- CARS 2
Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios; Walt Disney Pictures - PUSS IN BOOTSDreamWorks Animation; Paramount Pictures
- RANGO **though this is a fave too...
Paramount Pictures and Nickelodeon Movies present A Blind Wink / GK Films Production; Paramount Pictures
- THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN *** YES. want to see it.
- BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM **I have no idea.
- a.
THE FLOWERS OF WAR (CHINA) (Jing Ling Shi San Chai)
New Pictures Film Company; Wrekin Hill Entertainment - b.
IN THE LAND OF BLOOD AND HONEY (USA) GK Films; FilmDistrict - c.
THE KID WITH A BIKE (BELGIUM) (Le Gamin au Velo)
Les Films du Fleuve; Sundance Selects - d.
A SEPARATION (IRAN) (Jodaeiye Nader az Simin)
Asghar Farhadi; Sony Pictures Classics - e.
THE SKIN I LIVE IN (SPAIN) (La piel que habito)
El Deseo D.A., S.L.U.; Sony Pictures Classics
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
BERENICE BEJO THE ARTIST JESSICA CHASTAIN THE HELP JANET MCTEER ALBERT NOBBS OCTAVIA SPENCER THE HELP **hope so! SHAILENE WOODLEY THE DESCENDANTS
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
KENNETH BRANAGH MY WEEK WITH MARILYN ALBERT BROOKS DRIVE JONAH HILL MONEYBALL VIGGO MORTENSEN A DANGEROUS METHOD CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER BEGINNERS **really enjoyed him.
- BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
WOODY ALLEN MIDNIGHT IN PARIS **would love it GEORGE CLOONEY THE IDES OF MARCH MICHEL HAZANAVICIUS THE ARTIST **could be...haven't seen it ALEXANDER PAYNE THE DESCENDANTS MARTIN SCORSESE HUGO **would love this too.
- BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
WOODY ALLEN MIDNIGHT IN PARIS***WANT!!! GEORGE CLOONEY, HESLOV, BEAU WILLIMON THE IDES OF MARCH MICHEL HAZANAVICIUS THE ARTIST ALEXANDER PAYNE, NAT FAXON, JIM RASH THE DESCENDANTS STAN CHERVIN
STEVEN ZAILLIAN, AARON SORKINMONEYBALL
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
CLAIRE DANES HOMELAND ***WANT!! MIREILLE ENOS THE KILLING JULIANNA MARGULIES THE GOOD WIFE MADELEINE STOWE REVENGE CALLIE THORNE NECESSARY ROUGHNESS
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA *No idea, really...
STEVE BUSCEMI BOARDWALK EMPIRE BRYAN CRANSTON BREAKING BAD KELSEY GRAMMER BOSS JEREMY IRONS THE BORGIAS DAMIAN LEWIS HOMELAND
- BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
- ENLIGHTENED (HBO)
Ripcord Productions in association with HBO Entertainment - EPISODES (SHOWTIME)SHOWTIME Presents, Hat Trick Productions, Crane Klarik Productions
- GLEE (FOX)
Ryan Murphy Television in association with Twentieth Century Fox Television - MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
Levitan-Lloyd Productions in association with Twentieth Century Fox Television - NEW GIRL FOXChernin Entertainment in association with Twentieth Century Fox Television
- ENLIGHTENED (HBO)
- BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
- CINEMA VERITE (HBO)
A Pariah Production in association with HBO Films - DOWNTON ABBEY (MASTERPIECE) (PBS)
A Carnival/Masterpiece Co-production - THE HOUR (BBC AMERICA)
Kudos Film and Television/BBC America co-production. - MILDRED PIERCE (HBO)A Killer Films/John Wells Production in association with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and HBO Miniseries
- TOO BIG TO FAIL (HBO)
A Spring Creek and A Deuce Three Production in association with HBO Films
- CINEMA VERITE (HBO)
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
ROMOLA GARAI THE HOUR DIANE LANE CINEMA VERITE ELIZABETH MCGOVERN DOWNTON ABBEY (MASTERPIECE) EMILY WATSON APPROPRIATE ADULT KATE WINSLET MILDRED PIERCE
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
HUGH BONNEVILLE DOWNTON ABBEY (MASTERPIECE) IDRIS ELBA LUTHER WILLIAM HURT TOO BIG TO FAIL BILL NIGHY PAGE EIGHT (MASTERPIECE) DOMINIC WEST THE HOUR
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
JESSICA LANGE AMERICAN HORROR STORY KELLY MACDONALD BOARDWALK EMPIRE MAGGIE SMITH DOWNTON ABBEY (MASTERPIECE) SOFIA VERGARA MODERN FAMILY EVAN RACHEL WOOD MILDRED PIERCE
- BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
PETER DINKLAGE GAME OF THRONES PAUL GIAMATTI TOO BIG TO FAIL GUY PEARCE MILDRED PIERCE TIM ROBBINS CINEMA VERITE ERIC STONESTREET MODERN FAMILY
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Clooney's face
Today is better, though it is raining and gray. I was very productive this morning...after waking in the middle of the night feeling anxiety about something. That happens a lot--I will have an elephant on my chest and I just don't know what's wrong. I went to see The Descendants last night. Some of the dialogue was off to me, but I felt George Clooney was really great. His walk, his facial expressions, his entire demeanor was spot on. There are moments that I've never had--things that his character was going through and the way he was able to express them with no words made me think, "yes, that's exactly how I would feel." I really loved that. I felt light headed for him. I felt heartbroken and sick with him. It's worth seeing for his performance, alone.
Dragon Tattoo was pretty intense to watch (NR rating), but I enjoyed the thrill of the mystery--and seeing Daniel Craig is perfectly fitting jeans. Lisbeth was softer, prettier in this version. I read something on Wikipedia that I found interesting:
"Larsson witnessed the gang rape of a young girl when he was 15. He never forgave himself for failing to help the girl, whose name was Lisbeth – like the young main character of his books, herself a rape victim, which inspired the theme of sexual violence against women in his books."
Also the title of the movie was originally Men Who Hate Women in Swedish. Hmmm.
Jason enjoyed it but was so affected by the two rape scenes that he struggled to sleep for the rest of the weekend. He didn't find them necessary in the film.
I plan on watching Money Ball this weekend. I have some making up to do before the SAGS. Award season is shallow, sure. But, it's a mood lifter. It's a reason to sit and love or criticize. I always wanted to be a critic, but turned out critical instead.
"Larsson witnessed the gang rape of a young girl when he was 15. He never forgave himself for failing to help the girl, whose name was Lisbeth – like the young main character of his books, herself a rape victim, which inspired the theme of sexual violence against women in his books."
Also the title of the movie was originally Men Who Hate Women in Swedish. Hmmm.
Jason enjoyed it but was so affected by the two rape scenes that he struggled to sleep for the rest of the weekend. He didn't find them necessary in the film.
I plan on watching Money Ball this weekend. I have some making up to do before the SAGS. Award season is shallow, sure. But, it's a mood lifter. It's a reason to sit and love or criticize. I always wanted to be a critic, but turned out critical instead.
I leave you with a quote from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: (This is Oskar's mind-he's 9)
“What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war.”
and this one...(a discussion with his therapist)
“I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.”
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