Money can't buy me love...but maybe a new leg.

I just wanted to blog about Paul and Heather. No one really cares, but then again, not many read this blog.

Ever since Macca split from Eileen (get it? BAD joke), people have been criticizing his decision to waive the prenup. Americans are ones to sign this "bet we get divorced" document. The British think it is "dirty." Why would he even think of it? He probably thought marriage to Heather would be just as happy as with Linda. (well, maybe not AS happy.) They just didn't seem to match as well. Heather seems to want the lime light. She wasn't a name before Paul and now she accuses the marriage for overshadowing who she is. Wha?? She talked him into plastic surgery, changing his wardrobe and dying his hair. You KNOW Linda would've hated that!! The man basically had a grey mullet during his last tour and the world didn't care! Interesting that she got married, had baby Beatrice and now has a guaranteed "ticket to ride." Now Paul's alone again. I'm not sure he's miserable. Who knows. He's dealt with a greater loss. So has the world.

I just finished watching Wingspan, the documentary about Wings. It begins with the history of Paul and Linda's relationship. I've always admired their marriage and since about 13, dreamed that my marriage would be the same way. I love it that she wasn't a goddess. She was rather plain. Her body changed when she had children and it stayed that way. He loved her as a woman, a mother and his "girlfriend."

I find myself obsessing over the McCartney marriage. It's odd to think about marriage now. Before, it was just something that seemed so far out...something that might not even happen. It seems closer now. Attainable. I always felt that it was a jail cell. That's awful. Every time one of my friends got engaged, I felt like they died. I cried and cried. Even recently when Amanda got engaged. With Bryan, it was a shock...not that he did it, but that suddenly a relationship would be over. You don't really have good friendships with married men.

I feel like I could have men friends just the same. I know that my husband would be able to have friendships with women. I'm not put off by it. I'm trusted, so he should be too. I'm excited about the team aspect. I'm excited about being a part of something...a family. I loved the way the Maccas lived. They went everywhere together..kids in tow. They lived off of the earth and they traveled everywhere--just to go. They were friends. I'm excited about that, too. I love being trusted to be who I am. I used to feel that I'd have to change to be a "good" wife. I'm not so much in the kitchen. I know I can learn! Thing is, I'm not expected to. I'm good with conversation, with keeping communication open, trying new things, seeing new places, being open to new ideas and learning as much as I can about how to get through life in one piece. I want to be happy. I'm excited for the experience of learning with someone. I'm not a finished being...I'm a work in progress and I've come to accept that I take longer than others to figure some things out. I always thought I had to be some sort of 4-H mom or June Cleaver wife. I'm a mess though. I don't go to church...I'm still learning. I can't cook, I don't grocery shop, I clean when I have the time, I don't know how to sew (I could probably figure out a button) and I'm really not that organized. However, I can talk to anyone about anything, I can sit an be quiet with you, I hold hands, hug and kiss more than anyone needs it. I'll drive wherever to be with you. I can read a recipe. I can read you a book. I love children and plan on raising as many as I can. The Maccas have 4 bright and accomplished children. I can't wait for babies!! My clock is ticking. I love being able to say that without a look of fear staring back at me. At the moment, I can be what I am...and what I'm not. I can say what's on my mind about anything from what I hate about a movie to what I want my child's name to be and I'm not afraid. I'm a part of something that makes sense.

The Maccas were simply two people that preferred to spend their time together rather than with anyone else. She wasn't a musician, nor could she sing. She was in Wings because they wanted to experience it all together. They loved the music and they just wanted to have a good time with it. With four kids, they had fun, they joked, they got through rough times and they grew together. Neither of them were perfect. Linda admits she wasn't a good student...Paul says that he was drawn to her kindness and her adventuresome spirit. They wanted to move to Scotland, so they did. They lived with nothing...and everything. If they wanted to see a new place, they just went.

I'm ready to move and start and stop and stay and go and stall...I'm ready to set fire to all of the ideas of marriage I grew up with and make it my own. I can't wait to be with someone who is just as ready to see everything on earth as I am--kids in tow...

Well, I love a rainy night....

So you managed to make it rain today. Thanks a lot. I tried to make it so I could play "Have Fun, Go Mad" from Sliding Doors on here, but it didn't work. I remember listening to it in our back yard summer of 1998...that and that "Wannabe" Spice Girls song. Thought that would be funny, too. Couldn't figure it out, sorry. Saw Sarah...she came through last week. I had breakfast with her. She was going to have tea with her mom and your mom. I haven't heard from her since. She looks good...she always looks good. She still loves Seattle...makes me want to move. I like Chicago and all, but I don't want to spend my life here. Do you think you would've? I know you loved it here. I kind of see myself somewhere else though. Maybe overseas for a while...maybe on the east coast, though I hate the cold. I'd love to be near mountains...but J's never mentioned mountains so I'm not sure how he feels about them. Who doesn't like mountains? I'm going camping soon...(please hold the rain off). Hopefully we'll be around some thick trees and hills...I'm just so sick of flat. Sarah said Becca is moving to Seattle soon. She didn't have a really good girlfriend out there, so that's good. We did talk about Scott...she says that she would freak out if he fell in love with someone. (else) I guess they talk about getting married...or something like that. Would that be weird for you? She said she's fine with the fact that you were his first love. I assume if you were here, you wouldn't be cool with that. I was thinking about our apt. on New York St. today. (well, i think about it a lot) Remember the ant problem? Everybody hated that apt. Not sure what I was thinking there really...I guess I just saw really big rooms. My room...well, our room, had the exposed brick and I liked that. The bathroom was slanted...and then we found that dead baby mouse. That was freaky. I can't remember if you found that or if that was Becky. You bitched me out in that bathroom. I was hanging out with that Jessica girl (going a little crazy on road trips) and you let me have it. I don't even remember where we kept traveling to...but I went quite a few times to meet up with boys. That was insane. You told me I was acting immaturely...yeah, I was. I think that was during the Danny crap and I just wanted to have fun. That year was whacked. I was going to move to New Orleans that year too. THAT was messed up. You were right about Paul. He was evil incarnate. You know...I do feel that if you were here...if you just showed up at my apt (which i dream about all of the time) we'd be exactly where we left off. I can still hear your laugh. That's nice. I just wanted to say thanks for yelling at me to grow up as much as you did. I'm getting closer. I think you'd be happy with my life right now. Sarah mentioned something to me too. "You're easier to be around now." I almost thought it seemed like a backhanded compliment. "You're calmer...happier...more yourself." I guess I was a bit out of control there for a while. I was either all about having too much fun or just completely wiped out. I'm lucky to have the friends that I had growing up. I have a couple things I'd like to talk over with you. If we were together...in Lawrence, I'd have us meet at Freestate and you'd order the "wheat" and I'd probably get the oatmeal stout. They built a Gap across the street. We could go shopping there afterwards. Then we could go see a movie...I can't remember your favorite movie or your favorite actor, sorry. I can't believe I don't remember. huh. I'm no longer a fan of Tom's. He lost his mind...and is sleeping with Joey. whatever. Wait...was it ben or matt? Kort likes Matt. hmmm. I'll have to call Sarah.

There's been a lot of conversation about addicting t.v. shows with my other friends. I'd like to guess what you'd like. Lost, CSI, (yes, probably you'd still be watching reruns of Nash Bridges), 24, House, The West Wing and Alias. Funny thing, I don't even watch allof those shows. I just know you'd like them. That's kind of cool. There's a band out called Coldplay..you'd love them, too. And btw, cutie little Lindsay Lohan...the little darling we loved in The Parent Trap...yeah, she ended up a little trampy. I included a pic so you could see. Bizarre!



Well, not a ton to say, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you today. Didn't want you to feel alone.

Looks like it's going to be raining for quite a few days here...I know you like rainy days, but come on...

love you,
me

p.s. you remember that list you told me to write out? i kept it...and it came in very handy. You'd be amazed.

Requiem for a Dream

The inspiration for this blog came from a conversation with my friends Craig and Kortney. All of us have addictive personalities. (other people find us, in and of ourselves, addictive too!!) Anyway, the earliest memory of having an addictive personality is at age 7 I believe. My mom made a batch of chocolate chip cookies. She told me I could have one. I watched t.v. on our b/w t.v. in the kitchen because (even then) I wanted to watch my own shows and no one liked "Tales of the Golden Monkey." (Awesome show--there's even a cult following I found on the internet) Anyway, I just kept going back and getting one cookie after another until they were all gone. I, very Abraham Lincoln like, went to my mom and said, "I cannot tell a lie, I ate all of the cookies." Well, that's not exactly how I put it, but I told her and was very proud of myself for eating them all. I thought it was funny. She did not. She flipped. I had to go to bed. My addictions have become worse over the years. Interestingly enough, I'm not addicted to smoking or alcohol. I don't even think beer tastes good. I get addicted to people mostly...and t.v. shows. I remember my soph year in college being addicted to The Real World -Seattle. Completely into that season!! Loved San Fransico too...and New Orleans. I just didn't get into any other cities. I skipped class all of the time and watched Real World marathons. I probably spent 10 hours a day watching them. Today, Kortney and I were trying to think of some shows that we could throw ourselves into to escape our own little worlds. I'm currently addicted to reruns of Party of Five. My roommate, Dustin owns them and we watch them whenever we get a moment. We're currently on season 2. When I moved into the apt on Evergreen with J, I started in on Felicity. (he got hooked too) He watched all 4 years with me. Took us less than a month. We sat in front of the t.v. and just watch episode after episode after episode. I remember one Saturday...it was beautiful outside and neither one of us could pull ourselves away from Felicity, Ben or Noel. That show was a great bonding time for us...we really didn't know eachother and all I thought was, "wow, a guy who is cool enough with himself to get into Felicity and not care." Dawson's Creek came next but J bugged out on that one. He felt that it was a poor man's Felicity and banned the series. Understandable. Earlier this year, when I was unemployed...Jack Bauer came into my life. JACK BAUER!!!! (inside joke) I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning watching that show. J was gone to WI for work during the week and I had nothing else to do. (oh, yeah, that and looking for a job) 24 took a while...24 episodes per season, 4 seasons....40 minutes per episode..that's 64 hours I spent watching that show. wow. That's an addicting show.!!

(get to go home early...will resume at home.)

Lighten up!

I keep reading others' blogs. They seem easier to read...mine is so bogged down by heavy emotions and themes...maybe for the summer I'll take it easy and just journal a bit. It'll be a nice summer to document I think.

The weekend was nice. Gorgeous weather!! I went to Kelmo's Cinco de Mayo party on Friday. I finally got to see Bryan post-wedding. He got me a drink for the ride home! nice! He's a happy boy. We rode the train back to the city with Steve and crew. We chatted a bit about upcoming events and then we all walked to Kelmo's. Good to see people...saw a lot of new faces and unfortunately I wasn't in my "get to know new people" mood. I had J come get me and we went to see MI3. He liked it a lot...I couldn't get the "that's ehh sicky Tom Cruise and he's such a freak-boy" mantra out of my head. We agreed it was better than the other two. I think it has to do with Hoffman. I listened to Eric and Kathy this morning and Eric didn't get the ending...hmmm...I didn't find it that difficult?

Finally broke out the bikes this summer. Biked to Blockbuster to get a couple of movies. We got House of Wax...we love bad scary movies. Didn't get to watch this one. We also got Malice. Ryan quotes the movie and J had no idea where he got it. It's a great quote!

(Jed)- I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis_, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.

GREAT stuff!!!!

Sunday was a great day for many reasons. I think a lot of questions were answered and I feel a lot better...lighter. I think life seems to be suddenly a bit easier. We went to the park and threw the football...there was a softball game going on so we got distracted by that. After I freaked out about not having chores done...of course all I wanted to do then was blow them off and go outside. He, of course, just rolled with the punches. We went to Hacienda and talked a lot about what to do with the fam comes in for the big week. He wanted to take them all to Mid-Evil Times...uh...no. Although Wendy thought the idea was very sweet...she wants us to wait until they're older. It's going to be a full house...wow. Wendy said she felt it would be a lot of fun to have so many packed in the apt. I think so, too. Ended up in the burbs later. Dustin showed off his new clothes and the boys made some sort of date to figure out a surround sound system plan. J's been obsessing over electronic equipment lately...and now Dustin is following suit. (Not nearly as much as J.) Pretty cute.

I went to the forest preserve today for lunch. Read a book and enjoyed the weather. I actually got too hot! It was great!! J is installing the AC unit soon. He wants to get another for the kitchen. Nothing like getting a new phone line (internet sourced) in the apt so you have a better connection and then adding 747 noise behind it.

The futon is now disassembled...bye Jill Scott futon. It was nice to know you.

It's now the consensus that maybe I shouldn't go see United 93. Both J and CK said that it might be good to wait until dvd. Might have to do that. If I passed out during The Aviator during the plane crash...I know I won't handle it well.

Letting Go

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began , though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice--though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!"each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do--determined to save the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver, The Journey

My conspiracy theory on Tom Cruise

I still love Maverick, so I try to separate him from Tom. I like Tom's characters for the most part, but the man...freaks me out. I hate this. I had a bird once, I named him Tommy. When my neice was little...when she saw Tom on t.v. she would say, "look aunt val...hot tom." He was #1 of my Top 5 list.

Strike one was divorcing Nic. Bad move. Penelope is...whatever, but it was just a bad move. They didn't last long though...they broke up, Penelope started up with dreamy Matthew. (Not sure if that one lasted, I lost track.) Now, of course, he's with Katie...and Suri. Is he gay? Maybe. Or he might be a complete over the top control freak. I think TC is a corporation. He's no longer a person. I think people are paid insane amounts of money to say what they do. It is pretty amazing how he is painted...his kudos come from Paul Newman ("Newman" to TC, they're so tight!), Dustin Hoffman, Steven Speilberg, Oprah and numerous others. All paid off. At least that is what I think. I can't imagine Paul and Dustin being that low, but who really knows Hollywood. I think he had a contract with Nic. She was just starting out, she spent 9 years and soared to the top of Hollywood...and then I think she either got sick of it or she was let out because starting at 10 years you have to start splitting assets or something weird. Then I think she was given a ton of money to keep her mouth shut...or that was in the original contract. Who knows. The Scientology thing...I'm at a loss there. I can explain the women with contracts and the kudos serving producers world wide, but Scientology is just nuts. He yelled at Matt Lauer (strike two), which you just don't do to keep in my good graces. Good thing Matt wasn't in the delivery room. The sheer volume of his voice might have mentally scarred Suri. I love Matt Lauer. He called him GLIB for heaven's sake! Then he pounced on Brooke Shields (strike three) and every other woman who's suffered from any type of depression. Hmm...I pray for Katie. Joey Potter never would've gone out with him. She would've stuck with Pacey! But that's another story.

Confession:
When TomKat came about last year, my roommate, Jason and I were crazy people. Sending eachother photos and making dates to watch TC on Oprah or late night shows. Why were we so obsessed?? Course, we were also one of the 12 people who went to see The Dukes of Hazzard just to see Jessica Simpson. We had TomKat's pictures (as well as Jessica's) up on the fridge...hehehe...bet he hates me writing this. I think it was just so insane how Tom was acting. What drives a man to be so mental? Love? Or was it the fact that he no longer had to deal with his former publicist. He fired her and then jumped on couches.

Fun fact: If Cruise and Katie Holmes wed, each of his wives will have been eleven years younger than the last. (Mimi Rogers, b. 1956; Nicole Kidman, b. 1967; Katie Holmes, b. 1978.)

I want to recommend this link:
http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com/

Take a gander...very, very funny.
There is more to say here..but this is all I could get in during lunch.

Here's my smile with the future in it...

She needs this to help her realize that she is doing the right thing.
You are.
And you know who you are.
You've always been wonderful and great and you've always created a world of creativity, love and security for them. (and for me)
You've been there for me when others have not.
I'm here for you.
I figured you'd check this late at night...when you're feeling alone and freaked out about it all.
Don't worry. It's all going to be alright.
Quit drinking so much coffee and try to get some sleep.
You have plenty of people who love you and who are going to do their best to make you safe.
You're doing the right thing.
You'll make it...not too long now.
And they'll understand...they'll thank you...and they'll realize one day why you did it.
Until then, I'm not worried about them.
You've always been adored and it'll continue.
Read this whenever you need to.
Call me whenever you need to.
I am proud of you!
I love you.
I trust you and you should too.
Take care of yourself.
I'll see you soon!!!

TALK HARD!! hehehe.

I just wanted to write about her. It's hard to talk about it because to everyone else it was a long time ago. 6 years. How is that possible? I feel disconnected because her father is gone too. We talked all of the time and somehow, even if he was in his drunken state, he remembered what it was like to be at the hospital and he told me stories about her as a little girl. Most people don't like hospitals because they don't want to remember their loved one that way. I try to remember though. I don't want to forget. She needed me and I love that I was there for her. I can't imagine how scared she was and to know that there was someone there had to have helped. We got into a fight once because she wanted me to help her end it. I told her mother to leave the room and I yelled at her telling her that we were all there to help her get better and that she couldn't just give up like that. Looking back, I wonder if I should've fought with her. She was tired. I was selfish and I couldn't handle the idea of losing her. Maybe "God" knew that. I wasn't there when she died. I left my cell phone in the car. The last part of her body I touched was her toe. I told her I'd see her in the morning and squeezed it. When I got there in the morning, she was gone...and the family was gone. All I could say was "I'm sorry" over and over again. I cried and the nurse ran to me. I fell to the floor and it felt like something physically ripped from my body. The nurse finally helped me up and told me I should say good-bye. I went into the curtained area. She pulled them around me so no one could see. I remember standing there. She was bald and she had a pretty head. She still had the tubes in her nose. I don't know why. She was gone and white and she wasn't herself. I stood there for about 5 minutes and then finally understood that this was just a body. I felt completely alone. I went to my sister's apt and laid on the cement by the door for what seemed like hours. No one was home. I didn't have anything to say. I think I talked to some people on the phone. Thing is, no one said the right thing. I always felt so guilty because I wasn't there when she actually died. I went home and crawled in with my boyfriend because that was all I wanted to do that night. Last year, a friend of mine told me that maybe that was ok. Maybe "God" knew I couldn't handle it and that my purpose was to make sure the people who mattered the most were there. I remember calling Sarah and telling her not to wait until the weekend. She needed to come "now." She did. She was there. They'd been friends since they were little girls and I would've hated it if she hadn't been there. Carrie and I spent the last weekend she had before she went into the hospital at my apt in Lawrence. We went to a KU basketball game, her favorite. We went to a dinner party. We sat in the parking lot before we went into the restaurant, and for the first time, told me she was scared. Finally, we went in. We all laughed and ate and drank...and at the end of the night, she told me that for a little while she forgot she was sick.

I think about her. I don't mention it much because for some reason, I feel that because she's dead and just not living somewhere else--people just think you're unable to let things go and they question the reasons you have for bringing it up. I wasn't her mom, her dad or her brother. I was her friend. She was a certain kind of friend to me though...I hate that. When people asked how I was, the way I tried to explain what it felt like was to compare my life to a set table. It has legs that hold it up and it has all the plates and glasses and such to make it so pretty. She was a leg and when it was gone, everything just shifted. I still feel that way. I wish I could explain it better...there are just people in my life that could've been taken that wouldn't have shaken me as much. That's awful. I needed her and I still do. I find myself in situations practically every day where I need her advice. I'm not glorifying her because she's gone. I'm not. I've felt this way since I met her. There are just some people you watch. There are people that you really listen to. People that you really learn from and strive to be like. I remember her coming to visit me at whatever apt I lived in and thinking that my day was spent the best way possible because she was there. She made me feel stronger. Have you ever met someone and felt that if they were by your side you could do anything? When we lived together that summer...she pulled me out of an emotional abyss where I thought I'd never be found. This blog is long and it rambles and it is just thought after thought...and it's here because it's May. And March to May is hard. And I hope people have forgotten this blog because I posted it for me. But if someone happens to read it, good. You should know that someone out there loves you like this. That you'll be missed by someone and that however insignificant you feel your life might be...someone might be thinking so much more about you while you're putting rollers in your hair, tying your shoes, giving yourself a home pedicure, making your own salad dressing, putting on your make up, ordering a beer, singing to a song on the radio, watching a movie or giving them advice that they don't want to hear.