If only I could just click my heels.

I'm laying on our bed reading Carrie Fisher's book while Legends of the Fall plays on Oxygen. Both tales of women who lived lives of extreme pain. (Of course, one is fiction.)

I can see outside...it's dark, rainy and windy. Just up the hill ,there is a lit Christmas tree. I can see the lights changing colors from red, to blue to green. It's comforting.

I'm still struggling a bit with the idea of my flight. I thought I'd gotten over it, but today I've been anxiety stricken- thinking about it all day. I bring it on myself. I'm perfectly aware of that. I keep staring out the window at those lights...just wanting to be home with family-knowing I have a long trip to get there. I keep thinking about being in my house...hugging my mom...getting little hugs and kisses from Kendra, Derek and Mac. It'll be fine. There are so many I'm seeing...so much to look forward to. I'm angry that I'm not more excited...but spend my time being petrified.

Over the weekend we drove to Skaneateles to see their Dicken's Christmas. The town dresses in Dicken's costumes and wander the little town carolling. It's fun to see. It was freezing out...I didn't bring my heavy coat, believing the weatherman who told me it would be 50 degrees. When that wind hit us...I bet it was below freezing. Jason gave me his coat being the gentleman that he is. We spent the day trying to get pictures all over town, but ended up getting too cold. We ducked into coffee shops and bookstores to get warm again. I bought an ornament and a snow globe to remember the day.

It seems like the days are so short. Even though I fill it with housework and reading (and napping)...it gets dark sooner than I would like it. Time is going so quickly. I'm not sure why I want it to slow down...but I do. It's a precious thing...it bothers me to spend so long in doors, not busy and waiting. (Not sure what I'm waiting for)

Jason just came in and closed the blinds so that people outside couldn't see me. I should have asked him to leave them open. Maybe the tree could see me...and wished it was out of the cold.

But as long as you love me so...

I feel like every year around Christmas time I try so hard to capture the feelings I had when I was a child. It wasn't the presents I remember...but I remember the feeling I had in our house. Although I had many great Christmases post divorce...the pre-divorce Christmases are very vivid to me still. I was 6 and under. I loved having all the family in one place. Remembering my grandparents carries that feeling for me as well. Just thinking of them makes me feel homesick. To grandparents, you're perfect. It's such a great, unconditional love. It's really not the same now that they are gone. Looking at old pictures where they are all together (even when I hadn't been born yet) is like seeing pictures of movie stars. There's something about them...and the fact that they were all together. (This is probably lost on those who are used to their grandparents all being together--I didn't know that after age 7.)

I have no idea how many times the entire family was able to gather (could I be imagining that it actually happened?), but what a great feeling to have everyone that made up your world under the same roof. I don't remember fighting or anything like that. Everyone seemed to adore each other. They were all funny and smart and smiling. (Remember, this is through the eyes of a child.)

I remember the feeling of it all. Watching old movies can bring it back as well. Something in the technicolors...the same ones that are in the old pictures we have in albums. The house was full of laughter, lights and cookies! Whenever you walked into a room, people were so happy to see you. Every thing you did was funny and fantastic. And you were surrounded by people who just wanted you to be happy...and spoiled. The house never looked better with all of the lights and all of the people filling it. Every decoration held a memory. Records played Barbra Streisand and John Denver. And you didn't have school to boot! I know I am putting a big gold ribbon around the memories and am making them more magical than they were. (I'm great at that!!) Yet, it is magical for kids. I am very aware that the kids I'm around this year will remember this time. They will remember not what you get them, but how you made them feel. (Though, they won't realize that until they are older.)

I miss so many people around this time of year. I've been loved a lot in my life. I can't wait to be around it all again. Having Jason with me...making these memories...it's what it's about to me. Someday, it may be about more, but now...I'm content. What I wouldn't give so that he could've met my grandparents. I feel very at ease with it all knowing they would've loved him.

We have a few weeks to go here, but I'm sitting in my apt thinking about it all...with my decorated tree glowing and the holiday music playing--trying desperately to soak in my memories so long I begin to get pruny. I hope my grandparents are all still together...looking down on all of us. I feel they are. I miss them so much I almost can't stand it.

I wish you all wonderful memories of togetherness and love. Hold those little ones close--be it your own children or your nieces and nephews...or the little ones of friends. They will remember how you loved them and you will burn yourself a place in their memories forever.

Let it snow.

Today's Headlines

I get up every morning and watch The Today Show. This morning I watched Carrie Fisher talk about her new book, "Wishful Drinking." She talked very openly about her life, etc. I might go get that book. She has such a sense of humor about things. I lose that sometimes and need to tap into that more. She seemed awfully manic however...which struck me a little. She talked about her bi-polar disorder and how she isn't ashamed of it. The more I think about it, I really think I was misdiagnosed. Or, maybe I was bi-polar, but it was induced by all of the medication. Now that I don't take anything...I feel fine. I'm not against medication, but taking 8 pills a day like I used to just isn't good for you. I shudder at that time of my life...and no one could tell me any differently. Yuck.

Jay Leno is going prime time. Hmmm...I wonder if Conan is pissed. He is leaving his chair there for Conan...what a guy. It seems so close to Rosie's new show! I wonder if she thinks the same thing. I haven't seen any commercials for her show...I wonder if it bombed?

A new sex survey for women says that most women feel their sexiest at age 34. I feel that by next year, I'll feel sexier...but at 33, I have a little bit to go. In our 20s...women avg sex 10.4 times a month and in our 30s, we avg. sex 4.4 times a month. What is the .4? (I would say that statistic is accurate pretty much...at least for me.)

I emailed Dustin today about The Oscar's. They will be held on Feb. 22nd. Since we've been friends, we've only spent 1 Oscar's away from each other. (I was laid up in the hospital and didn't stay awake past the opening remarks--who could blame him??) I'm hoping we'll spend this year together. I'd love it if he flew here. Though we're further from the actual ceremony, we'd be closer to NYC...for whatever that's worth. I haven't seen many films I feel will be nominated, but they'll be coming out starting this weekend! I need something to do today and wondered if I should go see Twilight (don't judge) ...but will save the $$ for MILK.

It's snowing here. It's so nice when you don't have to go anywhere. Jason leaves tonight for Albany. I hate that. He seems like he goes and goes and goes. I'm looking forward to the holiday...just to make him sit in an chair all day and eat food...maybe drifting into sleep--that will be a great sight. (He can join my dad who will be turning off his hearing aid and sleeping to escape all of the screaming grand kids.)

Will I make it to the gym today?? I've gone every day since Saturday. It's been great. My mood has really improved. It's great to get out of the apt and feel that I have something to do. But, today, as I look out into the snow...it may be a day that I spend with Barbra and Robert. Watching The Way We Were reminds me of my mom...and I'm homesick today.

maybe i'll write more later.

Vampires are hot.

The weekend was a nice one. Jason came home from CA on Friday morning--the red eye and then proceeded to sleep until 3:30. I flew the red eye once from San Fran to Chicago a few years ago and man, it destroyed me for the day. I suppose had I flown there on it, I would've fared better, but knowing I was flying back to work--I was a bit of a brat to my companion. Saturday, we got out and went to the YMCA. It's huge! It's surrounded by trees and is a really nice facility. I finally decided I needed somewhere to go each day. Why not get healthy while I'm not doing anything else. heheh. Plus, I thought it would help my mood. The serotonin levels needed a boost.

We also finally made it to a movie--after I pried Jason away from a football game. We went to see Australia. Jason had some issues with it. He had no idea it was a Baz Luhrmann film and felt it was a little predictable and larger than life. Ummm...of course it is. It's really beautiful, very romantic (unrealistically so) and a bit of a throw back to old Hollywood movies. It took place in 1939--and it might have been a bigger hit had it released back then as well. Yet, Hugh Jackman wouldn't have been in it and that would've been a shame. Baz must be infatuated with him...his shots of Hugh were so amazing, it was laughable. He is too gorgeous, it nuts.

Kendra called over the weekend to say she'd just watched Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she loved it. I have to giggle thinking of Kortney, Toni and I watching it with newspapers over our heads and singing all the songs in 8th grade. Too funny. She also saw Twilight and freaked out about it. I haven't seen it, but recommended The Lost Boys for her vamp fix. She'd never heard of it...how great is that?!! I thought Wendy would have it, but I may have stolen the VHS years ago. So! It's Vamp gifts for Kendra this year! The Lost Boys and Interview with the Vampire. How fun! Gosh, I had such a crush on Jason Patrick and Keifer Sutherland in that movie. Wow...

Control- not just a great Janet Jackson album.

I'm writing without a thing to say. Today is moving very slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until after 10. I did have 2 conversations already, however. So, it wasn't a total sloth move. I've now showered and fixed myself a very strong cup of coffee. I unloaded the dishwasher and got a guilt trip from Meryl that I hadn't made the bed yet. I'll do that when I'm done. She is very judgemental. "Messy bed, messy life." What a little bitch she is. (She's my cat...)

So, I'm just going to write about this because it's been on my mind and why not throw it out to the universe. I've developed a fear of flying recently. I've flown just fine for years, now it's back. I had a very nervous flight this past summer and it seems to have had quite an affect. I have anxiety about getting anxiety, more than fearing the flight itself. I'm not afraid of dying at all. I don't feel the plane will crash. I just don't like the small space and not being able to get up when I want to. The take off is my biggest issue. You have to stay seated and you can't listen to your ipod. I like to escape and the ipod helps me not think about being trapped in my seat. This all seems so ridiculous. Amanda feels it is a loss of control. Yeah, I don't have a lot of control in my life right now...and this is just the last straw! I did get an aisle seat though, so maybe that will help. There is a key to this, I know it. I've started talking to myself about it. (No worries, I'm not answering.) I give myself pep talks about it. I even listed out all the trips I've taken to show myself how many flights where I was just fine!

This sounds nuts. Let's talk about something else.

Yesterday I went to see Four Christmases to get out of the house. There were about 3 sets of older couples and myself. I'm not sure if it was just because I was starved for entertainment, but I laughed a lot. There were a few scenes that had me howling. But, there were also some scenes that went on way too long. I love Vince. He just keeps getting larger it seems, but he's so adorable and has great comedic timing. I thought Reese was fine. She seemed to keep up, but he was definitely leading the way. You can wait for the dvd release, but if you're bored, go see it. If you go in with low expectations, I think you'll be fine. (man, that's a glowing review.)

I really want to go see Australia, but I know Jason wants to see it, so I have to wait. Hugh Jackman is just delicious. I think I could get through a plane ride if maybe he was on one side and Harry Connick Jr. was on the other. They both could take turns singing to me. I do enjoy a man that sings. (This does not include Kevin Bacon--The Bacon Brothers are painful to listen to-they were on Regis and Kelly this morning.)

Today's Goals-

-make the bed
-fold and put away laundry
-figure out where to put the 3 boxes in the kitchen.
-maybe join the YMCA? I need to get out and go somewhere.
-Figure out creative and inexpensive xmas gifts for family. (I'm really thinking of taking a page out of Oprah's book and doing MY favorite things!--just fun and useful stocking stuffers.)
-EXERCISE!!! (this should really help my mood.)
-make myself go grocery shopping. It'd be nice if J came home to food in the house.

I'll be honest in what I get done and let you know.

The Sponge

I'm watching Iconoclasts. This episode is with Stella McCartney + Ed Ruscha. Very cool. I'm tired of being boring. Watching this is so inspiring. I've been so tired lately. Dragging around the weight of unemployment is getting me a bit down. Everyone says to relish in it...take this time to do things for yourself. Thing is, it's just a hard time to really focus on much. I have a hard time with it. Focus, I mean. I told Jason that when I was younger, I felt it was easier on my psyche to not do my best at things so that there was always a rational for the mediocrity. I was mediocre in school, in sports and in writing. I have always been to afraid to give anything my all. That needs to change. It's difficult to always have the woman you want to be in your head and not in reality. I morph to things. I constantly find inspiration in movies and in my friends to somehow create the perfect me. And when I'm alone at night, the awful truth is...I've created a mediocre existence. (Am I a bit depressed tonight? It's possible.) What will I finally find will be worth giving 110%? Children. I feel like I'm waiting on my best self...my mom self. It is always a possibility that that may never happen. I can't wait. I've paused the show. I was driven write a little blog about my non-ambition. I'm not a career person. I'm creative, but don't create. I'm a people person who keeps moving away from anyone she knows. I constantly crave space to grow...but I'm stagnant.

I love to sit and watch others' lives. The movies--that's what that's all about. I observe. I don't do. I change geography because it's the only thing I can control and others can see. See!! I'm interesting! I move to interesting new places! I MUST be interesting!!

I constantly see people I want to be friends with. I want to be friends with Stella McCartney. I've always wanted to surround myself with fascinating people. They are addicting to me. I guess I feel like something will rub off...or that people will wonder if I'm just as cool.

I need to think.


Note added the next day: Wow. Maybe a little hard on myself here. I shouldn't write when I'm so tired. I always seem to get a bit down on myself late at night...esp if Jason isn't here. Today, I decorated the tree and the apt to inject the holiday spirit into my veins. I do feel better. Time to take stock in what all I have to be thankful for.

No more green straws...

I've been hooked on the Starbuck's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate this season. I can't keep getting it--it's ridiculous. I have such an addictive personality! So, I made a deal with myself. No more Starbuck's until I get a job. What a satisfying drink that will be!! Besides, it's just too much money right now. I realize that I am aiding in the closing of so many Starbuck's--but I'm standing strong. I just got some coffee at Dunkin Donuts this afternoon. It was just over a buck. I'm saving $3 every time I get that instead. That's...umm...around $700 a year I'm saving drinking Dunkin.

This is a short entry, I'm about to take Jason to the airport. He'll be in California until Thursday night. I'm going to decorate the apt and get into the festive spirit!

I'll leave you with a quote from Jason's grandma Stella (which triggered my Starbuck's boycott)--

"It's not what you make, it's what you save." So true!! I've seen so many make a ton of cash, but blow it all with nothing to show for it. She is a GREAT penny pincher and is now living just fine on the money she's saved her entire life.

Plagued with comma splices, I apologize, really.

I started to blog tonight and then I erased all of it. It was depressing. OK, we know I don't have a job--no need to talk about it anymore. I did apply to a few jobs today, we'll see. I also went to the DMV and got a driver's license. In NY, they send it to you in the mail. I practiced my smile in the mirror on the way over (yes, I did...). Then I'm ready for the picture and FLASH--I was completely blinded. The lady showed me three pictures to choose from. (damn, I ended with a preposition.) The flash bulb botch was in the line of sight of my face, so I just chose the last one, it could be awful, I just couldn't tell you. I could see the flash for about 10 mins. I also registered to vote and donated my organs. (Jason's not thrilled with organ donation...he has movie-like situations in his head where they put me out to save 3 people.) I really felt for the lady helping me. She was really emotional because just before she served me, she'd waited on the grandson of a former employee who she'd worked with for 10 years. Her friend had died suddenly of a heart attack last year. She was very teary eyed and told me the whole story of how no one was allowed to take off for the funeral and how horrible she still felt about it. I just stood there and listened. She was obviously needing to talk about it. It's hard to lose someone suddenly. Her friend had passed away in 2000 and she still wasn't over it.

Tonight, I'm ashamed to admit I'm watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Jason loves this show. I literally almost become violent after watching it. The state of the world today...man, I could really go into this, but I can't. Jason likes guilty pleasures and who am I to talk? I'm hooked on Gossip Girl of all shows! It's not much different...just fiction. I usually dig the shows about high school or college. (well, I HATE The Hills...90210...One Tree Hill...) OK, I guess I only liked Dawson's, Felicity and now Gossip Girl. I'd need a little more therapy to really tap into my obsession with those shows. I'll just accept it for it is for now.

I have a young friend on Facebook and I find it so fun to look at the pics of her with all of her friends. They seem to be so fun and intelligent. I grew up in such a small town. Wow, we just really didn't have much to do. It makes me smile to see her having fun. She's grown up into such a beautiful girl...so smart and witty. I'm excited to know her when she turns 30, though I miss the times when she was small enough to sit on my lap. Just looking at her pictures reminds me of so many things. Is it a sign of age that I agree with the saying, "youth is wasted on the young"? George was on to something. I noticed new wrinkles under my eyes today, my hip reminded me it wasn't real and started to wonder about my taste in clothes. To top it all off, I lied about my weight on my license. I don't care.

OK, I'm rambling.

All the ladies in the house, I'm callin' out to ya...

I miss my girlfriends today. All of them. I think it's due to me watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... Ok, so yeah, I have the time to watch random movies. I actually really enjoyed it! It was the sequel, so I was a bit clueless to the original storyline, but the relationships between the girls was enough to keep me entertained. I love women. I love how complicated they are...how they are with their friends...how wise and funny...and how strong they are. As I get older, the girls I've known since grade school/jr high (there are 5 of us that keep in touch) amaze me at the grace in which they're aging. We've all had such turmoil in our lives. Such hardships and such happiness they've all been through. We all struggle with the same things and rejoice in the same things. The greatest strengths in my life has come from knowing them. But not just them...women I've met throughout my life--St. John, Lawrence, Cincinnati, Chicago, Cleveland... I've surrounded myself with a very unique, strong and wise tribe. I've always found women more interesting for some reason. Not that I don't find men amazing as well, but few really blow me out of the water. (I married one that does.) I think it all started with growing up with my mom, her best friend and my sister. That was my network as a kid...they were my foundation. Lessons in love, friendship, ironing, cleaning, boys, self respect, sex, bravery and comedy all came from the women in my life. Women can be caddy...and we can be so much more judgemental of other women than with men. But when you come into contact with a strong girlfriend...one that won't let you get away with anything...one that will cuss out any guy who hurts you...one that will let you cry for days with her...one that makes you laugh through your tears--THAT is a treasure.

I'm emotional today ladies...love you all. I'd love to have a girl's weekend when we invite all of our girlfriends and they invite their girlfriends and we all meet and some resort together--finally meeting our friends' friends. What a great time that would be.

Enjoy each other...

I feel like I just watched Beaches.

Blonde Ambition

Well, I missed a day. I was busy getting blonde. I figure, the best way to have a good conversation is to go to get my hair done. I went down to a very cool part of Rochester-Park Ave- and chatted it up with Kim the hairdresser for about 2 hours. She talked me into getting my hair cut as well...why not! My inspiration was Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. My hair pretty much resembles that. I wish other parts of me resembled her as well. Anyway, I mentioned that to Kim and she didn't know the movie. Hmmmm. I find that a lot. I watch too many movies I think. I talked to my friend Angie the other night and she asked me what I wanted to do...career wise. I'm not so much a career gal, but I suppose if I had to choose anything in the world...a movie critic would be at the top. So, as I was in the shower (I do most of my thinking there)--I thought, well, why not! I'll just blog my reviews (along with millions of other bloggers) and keep them for posterity! My future kids could read them if they wanted...or my friends could check there before they head to the theatre. Sounds good. Now, I just need to go see a movie! My friend Paul says that the new Bond wasn't spectacular. Besides, I need to wait for Jason. My netflix que right now is Oklahoma! -- with Hugh Jackman...I love him. He's amazing looking and amazingly talented. I'm a sucker for a dashing man who can sing. I'll try to watch that today...the other is...Miller's Crossing. I haven't seen it yet. I KNOW! It's a Coen brothers' movie from 1990. I'll comment on one of those.

This morning I was on line with a Kodak customer service person (chatting) trying to fix my camera. I think I'm going to have to buy a new chord for it. Shoot. I have all of these great pics and I can't get them onto my computer! I'm not a huge fan of the Kodak share software. Living in Rochester, that's probably a sin. (Home of Kodak)

Anyway, so after getting all blonde, I stopped in a cute little restaurant down the way, Cibon. I had a salad and a diet coke (with lime). I really liked the color of the walls in there. I found it funny that when I sat down, the waitress served me two waters with two sets of menus and then left me alone for 10 minutes. Finally she asked if I wanted a drink while I was waiting. Guess they don't get very many lone diners in there. I'm not sure if that was very interesting, but it was something I thought about all during lunch.

Well, more later...I'm off to Target I think. If I make it out of there with just a camera chord, it will be a miracle.

Kevin Smith lies around constantly...and he's creative!

I haven't stepped outside today. What does that say about me? I purposely don't lay on the couch...it scares me. I get up each morning and take a shower--I have big plans in my head that never pan out. It snowed last night. I don't like the cold. Tomorrow I'm going to Park Ave to become blond...just so I get to talk to people. Colorists have to talk to you, don't they? My first friend will be my colorist. I'm determined to write every day even if it's bullshit. Today...it's bullshit.

I'm now going to put on a coat and walk to the mailbox. I need fresh air. My cat Meryl is starting to look at me like I'm a loser...don't worry, if she starts telling me to kill people, I'll ignore her.

I wish my friends would've had digital cameras back in the day. We had to pack all cool picks into 24 exposures...a lot of crap pics. The Internet I'm afraid would've been a BAD idea for us. Kortney, Toni and I...lip syncing in front of a vhs camera...holy shit...we would've been YouTube'd for sure. The Madonna videos alone would've made us a sensation. But what I would've given for a damn flat iron!!

Restless in Rochester

It's been a month. A few days more actually--since we arrived. Jason is gone this week to Palm Springs for a conference. He reports it's beautiful there...mid 80s. It snowed here today. Big flakes. It didn't snow enough to blanket the ground and make it that awesome quiet outside...you know? Snowy quiet. I love that noise. I'm looking forward to seeing how Rochester celebrates the season. Halloween had skeletons sitting on bushes and big balloon spiders (which scared me) laying on lawns.

We're still adjusting. I'm not too lonely yet. Friends call me constantly and I joined Face Book...which I tried desperately to avoid. (Actually, it isn't bad!) I found myspace to be a bit scary though. It's nice to get back in touch with old friends. I found most of the girls I hung out with in my frosh dorm in college. It's causing a lot of memories to flood over me. I'm so happy to be older. My 30s have been much kinder than my 20s. I definitely have better hair!

I'm going to do my best to start writing again. I've been reading over my old stories in college...wondering where the writer went. Fearing my internal critic has kept me blocked. Fear is a big component in my life still. My fear of flying seems to have come back. It was gone for years and then suddenly this summer, I panicked on a plane. Ever since, even the thought of flying makes me light headed. Two nights ago I read an interview in Vogue with Angelina Jolie. She is my age. I should focus on that, but I do. She became a pilot and flies her own plane. She seems fearless! It's true...I don't fear flying, I fear, fear itself. I'm made a prisoner by my own anxiety. That's no way to live! I'm putting together an illustrated auto biography--things you can do when you're unemployed with no kids!!--and I'm going to cut out a picture of Angelina to remind me to be fearless!

Movie Notes: (random)
Loved Rachel Getting Married- saw it at Little Theatre in downtown Roc. Reminded me so much of Liberty Hall in Lawrence. It smelled the same. I'll be surprised if Ann doesn't get a nomination. I also went to see Changeling. Hmmm...very disturbing. I thought Ang was good, but she's been better. It was hard to watch. I wasn't expecting the violence...I'm fine with violence, just not dealing with children. I'm really wanting to see Happy Go Lucky. I'll report my findings...

more tomorrow.

Yes We Did!

Today, I'm in New York--having moved in October. There's so much newness to discover! I will say, that after last night's events, we are missing Chicago right now. What a great night to be there! I'm sure we would've gathered at the Imparato's and shared it with friends. I'm tired today and emotional...crying randomly at t.v. shows. I'm making chili, cleaning up Jason's office and enjoying the sunshine coming in from the windows. Meryl (our cat) is loving the sun too!

The fall colors are beginning to fade, but some are still hanging on! (This is a pic near the Erie Canal last Sunday.) Crew races were running along the water that day. Very cool. I can't wait until people visit. (Also can't wait to find a job!)

More to come...

to reinvent and begin again...

For the last few years, I've had this overwhelming desire to leave Chicago. (Very similar to my desire to leave Lawrence in 2001.) My 20's were a mess. I was a mess. I'm very surprised I still have friends from that time in my life. I lived with people...good people...who believed in me and tried to help me get back on my feet. When I look back at those times, it's hard for me to be proud of who I was. Living here, it's hard for me to break out of that mess of a person into who I am now. This past weekend I saw friends who spent a lot of time with me during that messy time. I lived with them for a year. Last night, I reverted back to my shock value way of being. Saying things to cause a stir, being ridiculous and feeling like I had to be a certain way. They did not notice it, but this morning as I thought about the night before, I felt embarrassed. I asked Jason if I embarrassed him at all. He said no. He's been the one I've been around the past few years as I've slowly put myself back together, gotten off all medication and grown. I feel healthy now. I've been so slow in the maturation process and have far to go, but I feel like I could be a good friend to people now instead of the bi-polar freak show I used to be. I was sort of fun...but I was unreliable, flirtatious and lazy. I hate that. Now, I would say I feel a bit boring...and I'm afraid of showing that off. My life is balanced and good. It has meaning. I married my friend...a man who really loves me and all the messy parts. I feel sick sometimes when I look over the past several years. I allowed myself to be used, I used others, I was flighty, irresponsible and always played the victim. I was surrounded by strong women though. Interesting. I've always surrounded myself with people I wanted to be like. Living with Lisa and Kelly...women I admired and wanted to closer to. They were so put together and had direction. I had none. I've put off a lot of people I'm sure. Insecurity has a way of showing its head in crazy and dramatic behavior. Now it's hard for me to be around those who remind me of that time--I seem to become that person again. I want to move in order to reinvent myself. I want to come back and visit in my new skin and have them feel proud that they know me. Jason helped me so much to find balance and humility. I've always been an emotional person. I feel a lot. I love my friends but don't show it as I'd like to. Some people are uncomfortable around a lot of emotion. You never know who might shy away from an outpour of love and affection. Fact is, I love my friends here in Chicago and would miss them, but I feel like I can't break out of the old Valerie until I'm out of here. I want to see another part of the country. I want to raise a family. I want to continue to grow into the woman I want to be. There are too many ghosts here. I continually run into memories of foolishness and regret. A crisp new place full of new beginnings sounds perfect. The old times are easier to laugh about when people know you've changed. I'm not sure anyone really knows who I am any more. I'm out here in the burbs living more in the future than in the present. Jason is my constant companion. I see him desperately trying to find a new way of life. He's very cerebral. I'm more emotional. It's a great balance. He loves me and allows me to constantly grow and change without holding me to old ideas and behaviors. I need to take a page out of his book.

I need to find a way to live my life and be proud to talk about it. I need to find a new job, I need to give back to society and I need to find a way to leave a positive impact on those I come into contact with. There are women in my life that I've always admired and idolized. It would be nice to have that effect on someone else.

I could have a film podcast...

2007, a good year for movies. Been hooked on a film podcast that is inspiring me to get back to this blog. (Sceneunseenpodcast.com) Love the fact that podcasts are free entertainment.

Saw all but 4 nominated films this year in all categories. That's either charming or sad.

My top 10 of the year in no particular order:

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
No Country For Old Men (own)
(those are my top two)
Juno
3:10 To Yuma
Ratatouille
The Bourne Ultimatum (own)
Michael Clayton (own)
Sweeney Todd (own)
Black Snake Moan
Zodiac (own)

Honorary Mentions:

There Will Be Blood
Waitress (own)
The Assassination of Jessie James...
A Mighty Heart
Lars and the Real Girl
Margot at the Wedding
Rescue Dawn

Today I put all of my movies into an excel spreadsheet. (again, charming or sad?) We have over 200 titles. Not bad. (though some of the movies are just shit)

I'm watching Darjeeling Limited right now. There's a cool little film before the main flick...with Natalie Portman. Still have a crush on her.

This movie makes me want to take a train. So far...I'm really enjoying this.

I rented 4 movies and bought 4 movies (on sale) last night. On the agenda...

Rented: Things We Lost in the Fire (C), Darjeeling Limited (B+ so far), Eastern Promises (my second attempt), Rescue Dawn (very excited to see)

Bought- Premonition (shit movie, but I enjoyed it for some reason), Zodiac (need to rewatch, I was on heavy medication (hip) when I saw it), Blood Diamond (J loves it) and Bourne Ultimatum.
Next project to Excel the books!