Father knows best

I'm writing without having my house cleaned. I think I'm growing. Each night, I try to pick it up so it looks like new again before another day wrecks it. Normal people would look past it all and enjoy their lives. I've developed OCD, I'm convinced. Jason's birthday was yesterday and I focused so much on the meal being perfect that I was yelling at him to eat. I find myself a bit snippy at him lately. I think I'm just frustrated. My environment isn't in order and there are many things to do before we go on our 9 day New England trip. My mom is here...that's been nice. We run the errands together and find silly things to laugh about. Some of our giggles remind me of being little girls--not that I ever knew my mom as such. She'll be here all month.

While we were in KS, Z ran a temperature for about 5 days. On the 5th day, it spiked to 103.8, so we took her to the doctor. They couldn't find anything wrong with her. Today, the 3rd lab test revealed that she had a very rare bacteria. They didn't know what it was or what to do about it. ??? Uh...ok. They referred me to my pediatrician. It's called Stenotrophomonas Maltophilia. Does anyone know what this is? I Googled it and I couldn't even comprehend was I read. I'll call our doctor tomorrow. It doesn't sound good. The information I did find was pretty yucky. hmmm...more to come on that.

I think my "bi-polar" issues in college are reappearing in this OCD thing. I'm really focusing on strange things. I obsess about things I can't change. I feel as if it all has to look right--everything neat and tidy and clean. As soon as Z leaves one play area, I have to pick it all up and put it away even though she might be back there in an hour or two. I'll get over this, right? This is just a new mom thing? I can't keep up with it all. I'm exhausted. I have to cook meals, clean, be a happy-perfect mommy, clean, feed, play, decorate, look cute, do my hair, clean--etc EACH day. That's fucked up, right?

I keep reflecting on my trip. It was good. I spent it mostly with my father and step-mom. I don't usually do that. I usually split time between the families. I'm really the only one that does this out of my family. Wendy doesn't worry about it and Mandi and Eric aren't close to their dad. I'm the one overly concerned about EVERYONE'S feeling and making sure I spend time appropriately. It sucks. Let's be real. Yes, I'm very happy I have a good relationship with both parents, but it's exhausting. Plus, if your siblings don't view things the same way, they just don't get it. My father said probably the nicest things he's ever said to me during this trip. (I barely spoke to him in my 20s and made myself mentally ill over trying to be the person he wanted me to be.) Well, my years of mental illness paid off!! He seems to really like me now. I just had to marry the "perfect man", move to a beautiful state, have a nice house, have a happy baby, look slender and have my hair straightened. Seems to have worked. Oh, I also have to master small talk and never get too deep into conversations about feelings. This how I see it. It's probably not like it at all. I'm sure I invented a lot of it. He probably liked me all along. Right?

I'm back

And I'm too tired to even write this with any great detail or depth at the moment. I will say some pics are coming and more in depth analysis is on the way. Currently, I need a nap. Jason is in the other room with Zo'. She learned to sit up while we were gone. Wow! A whole new child! It's fun to see her grow...and really start figuring things out. She also grew a neck while we were traveling. Before, her head just sat on her shoulders and grew nasty milk bi-products. She has such a nice stature and no head tilt. The trip was positive. I have much to discuss. I have much to think about. I have much to smile about and remember. It was like I was in a Twilight Zone episode--things went well???? WTF??

More to come---

Today is the day!!

We leave in an hour. Not sure when I'll be able to blog next. I'm hoping the flight goes okay with Z. I'm a nervous flyer...very nervous. I found two Valium from a bit ago and felt like I'd won the lottery. I think that's too strong to be with it, so I can't go that route. Z's been whiny this morning. Not sure what that's about. She's been very tired lately. She must be growing...and wondering what's wrong with her mom. I was thinking this morning as I was doing my hair...that the stories I wrote in college (I was a creative writing major) have the same characters in them that I'm about to see. My teacher, after reading the first story, said if the characters were real that he wanted me to stick with them and spend the entire 2 years in his class. So, I did. I have 4 stories of my crazy family. I found some humor in that fact. Maybe I should write another short story when I get home.

Z isn't giving up, I need to reassure her about her life and how things are going to be fine and how much I love her. (Or, she'll do that for me)

Later----

As I was frantically cleaning so J comes home to a clean house, I was thinking..."Cleanliness next to Godliness"---no. It's next to Craziness. I clean to stay calm. My years past of being a slob (which people constantly remind me of) makes me feel as if I have a clean house, then I'm fine. That's fucked up, right? TOO clean of house makes you look like you have no life and that you have control issues. I do have control issues. Clean it, make it clean...then you have purpose, people won't judge you, people won't find you a mess...people will see that you've changed. The truth is...it just reminds me that I'm still a bit off. (But aren't the best and most interesting people a bit off???)

We leave tomorrow.

Last night I could barely sleep and today I was up before Z and J. I showered and started packing. I have Z all packed and I'm pretty much done with my own bag aside from all the shit I need in the morning. I made some calls and nailed down my visits and am starting to be able to breathe again. This whole thing is ridiculous. I'm referring to my over reaction to this trip. I'm anticipating hurt feelings and awkwardness. That's sad. I'm going home...a place that should be a safe zone. Instead, I feel as if I'm headed into war. If it wasn't $140/hr to talk to Joan, I'd call her. I should be excited to introduce Z to my good friends and see family! I need to chill out. This is so damn boring to read.

To add to the stress, my perfect child has become Miss WHINY!!! I understand her teeth are hurting her, but geesh. She's been adorable and great. Now, when we're about to show her off, she's a little demon. She's cute, but a little annoying to me right now. She's very vocal. Could she be sensing my neurosis? Great...it's like a virus.

Jason hasn't started packing. He won't until tomorrow morning. If the guy were headed out on a month long trip overseas, he'd still wait until an hour before we have to leave. I used to find it kind of wild, but now I find it nuts. He's missed an international flight before...this is the kind of guy he is. I should learn to accept it and just start putting things out that he needs to pack as some sort of guide. A lot of women pack their husbands. No way. This man has to pick out his own clothes and make sure he has ALL of his hair/skin products that he needs. He's a bit metrosexual, but he's hot, so I'll deal.

I've started my journey out into blog world. I've been in it for years, but haven't really gone digging before. I'm kind of excited to be inspired by others--either that or I'll just keep finding more and more women who are just that much cooler than me. (probably)

Need a facelift

I'm trying to revamp this blog. It's boring. The layout is blah. I changed the colors, but I still don't like it. Where do people find their cool templates??? Please advise.

"Effing" get over yourself.

I've been reading other blogs. I normally steer clear because I find they could intimidate my writing my own. That's stupid. Kortney told me that there are some I'd like, so I went to look. I realized that people cuss in their blogs. Why don't I? I cuss all of the time. I'm trying to calm it down because of Z but that's how I talk. I say fuck a lot. I say shit, but mostly fuck. I don't blog how I talk. It's not my true voice. I need to grow a little here. Let's get real. I also don't blog my true thoughts about things a lot of the time for fear of hurting feelings. Who fucking cares? It's not like anyone outside of 3 other people really knows who I am--or knows who I'm talking about. I'm too safe. I'm tired, it restricts me. Blogging is supposed to be about freedom. At least it was to be that for me. It's not suppose to be another place where I try to make everyone happy. You need to save that game face for family gatherings! God...my family. Sigh. I love them but I feel like an alien a lot of the time. I look a lot with squinted eyes and a cocked head thinking, "really??!!!"

I'm tired and need to sleep. I'm up because I'm having anxiety about my trip home. This is bullshit! God, I need to get over this. I'm 35. I'm a mom now. I'm suppose to have super fucking powers now.

t minus 2 days...

Ok, I'm a little calmer, but not much. I called Becky and vented a bit about all I have to do and she assured me it will be ok. She also said, "if things start to go crazy, call me and I'll come scoop you up and bring you to my house." That's a nice back up plan. It's always good to have one of those. I'm sure it won't result in that...but a good friend makes sure you know that there is always an out.

Today I went to the bank to cancel my card and get a new one. FRAUD ALERT. Yep, we've been hacked and some gamer is using my card to buy their shit. Annoying. I miss Atari games. Just a side note there.

Speaking of technology, I hate that Zoë won't have the things I grew up with. Atari was so cool, now it looks ridiculous. We own a record player, so she'll at least know what one is. She won't know or understand a Walkman. She'll want an ipodish something...and I'm sure mine will look ancient by the time she wants one. She won't understand video tapes or cassette tapes. She won't get to record the top 10 with the intros. She won't send as many letters--though I'm determined that she get a pen pal--not an email pal. Will she be creative with her time? Will she have any patience? I know I struggle with this. I can't keep her from the outside world or keep her from experiencing the new waves of technology, but I worry about her brain cells being matured by having to figure stuff out for herself.

In St. John, growing up was all about imagination. We had to figure out how to spend our time. We didn't have a mall or a movie theatre. We played outside and rode our bikes everywhere. I love those times. Rochester isn't going to have that freedom. I hate that for her. St. John is small and there's "nothing to do there" but it's a great place to grow up because you have to use as much imagination as you can to FIND the fun. Plus, it's safe. You can be out until the whistle blows and come home without worry. You can ride your bike everywhere and not worry about being taken. You can go get an ice cream cone on a summer night. You can swim and watch baseball...or go play on the swings at any age. You can spend your nights talking with your friends...walking around and really bond. In big cities, I think this can get lost with the phones, texting and such.

But, then...I'm talking about the 90s and before. Who knows what it's like now. I'll report back.

T minus 3 days.

I'm headed to Kansas on Thursday. Z and I will be there for 2 weeks after J leaves us on Sunday. I would like to say I'm looking forward to the visit, but I'm anxiety ridden and grumpy today. Last time I came back from there I was horribly depressed for 2 weeks and Jason wasn't happy. I know he's already dreading it. "Maybe we can change the flight and you can just come back early." I think it's sweet that he worries. Maybe this time will be different. Z is a joy to be around--how could people get cranky when she's around? How could they bring up things that aren't good to talk about...or keep commenting on how they didn't think I'd be a good mom when I was in my 20s. Uhhh...I WASN'T a mom in my twenties!! Such a strange thing to say. Or how about telling me what a disappointment I was to my grandparents whom I adored. Or yelling at me when I'm trying to help--cursing at me and making me feel as if I'm totally not welcome. St. John is a town full of good memories. I loved high school, I loved my friends, I loved falling in love there. It's a place that could be a magical place to visit...but it isn't. It's full of stress. Things have changed. My house has changed. My town is smaller, the businesses are gone, the kids are cruel and annoying. I'm going to go on lots of walks, I can tell. I'll remember old times and tell them to Z. I'll wish my friends were home--all of them in the homes they had in the early 90s. I'll wish that I'd been more mature...that I would have stood up for myself more, that I didn't turn back into an awkward teen at the first sound of annoyance in my direction. I'll leave thinking I won't be back for some time.

Or--it'll be swell. Everyone will be loving and happy to see us. The conversations will be uplifting and hopeful. I'll love it. Z will feel at ease and happy. I'll be so happy I went. Everyone will have gotten over their past baggage and rudeness and it'll be almost movie-like. I'll hear background music everywhere I go.

It's starting to keep me up at night...

I've been looking around online to see if there is a book that resembles the one I want to write. Nothing so far. That's cool. I'm getting more and more excited. I'm just thinking about it a lot now...nothing on paper. I'm going to try my best to write some notes down tonight or tomorrow. It will take some research and some open minded women to help complete it. There are a few women I know will do a great job with my interviews. Some are more open than others. I'm not thinking even some of my closest friends will feel they can open up that much. I want to make a compilation of the insights of women. It is very in depth and complicated--but I'm excited for the journey. Maybe I'll put an email together and send it out to some ladies to get their thoughts.

I'd go into more detail, but I don't want to put the entire idea out in the universe...who knows who might beat me to the punch! I'm thinking that this project will take years to complete, but I'm passionate about it and feel that if it's done right...it might be something great for me to put out into the world--and to leave for my daughter.

1096 days later...

Today is J and my 3 year anniversary. It seems longer, but not in a bad way. I feel that I've known him all my life. He certainly seems to know me that well. I guess I've known him since 2002. That's 8 years. We had our own lives for a long time. Our "story" is one that is either received with a raised eyebrow or with total acceptance. His roommate, which is how I met him, was my boyfriend for 3 years. T is a nice person, it makes sense that his roommate would be a good person as well. 3 years. (I usually get, "WOW, 3 years! That's quite a long time.!") It was a growing time for me unfortunately. T didn't get the "balanced" Valerie, but he loved me through my ups and downs and there is much to say for that. I believe we meet people during time in our lives that are there to help us through. I fear it was one sided, but hopefully he has some fond memories to look back on.

Jason was the roommate that was always in and out. He kept odd hours and didn't sleep much. He was very kind and a bit awkward but we seemed to have music and movies in common which helped with small talk. For years, we were just acquaintances really. I'd say friends, but that really didn't happen until later on.

After T and I ended--a very long, painful and drawn out process--ugh...Jason and I became roommates. (there is a long story that should be inserted here as to how and why I needed a roommate and how it became him, but I'm trying to make this brief.) I needed a place to stay and he was not really using his place. We both talked it over with T first, who was fine with it. (of course, I don't think he thought we'd get married eventually.) When I moved in, Jason was suppose to be in Alabama for long periods of time. (I'd been getting his mail for him when I spotted the extra room that looked perfect for me.) However, his project ended and he was suddenly around. He was single, I was single--but the T factor was an issue for a while. After weeks of becoming closer friends...talking, laughing and realizing how much we had in common...the spark ignited. We sparked for about 7 months before the L word came into the mix. After that...the rest is history.

We got married on a ship without our families or friends. We seem to always create just enough space for the two of us to grow. We love having people come see us and to spend time with others, but for some reason, we're always out in the world roughing it alone. Now, Z is here...and our world seems complete. I'd say our friendship is the key to everything. Romance can be hard when people are working, tired, dealing with internal issues and just trying to keep up. But, we laugh every day and we love the little world we've created. Marriage is hard. It's just work. Sometimes, it's more work than I thought it would be, but as I talk to people...everyone says that's exactly how it is. At the end of the day, we love each other. He is my partner in this universe and we have this perfect little being that we are raising. Life is good.

Happy Anniversary Honey. Our grandparents, who were married 61 years, each had that 3rd year. There are so many experiences to be had. We are both forever changing and growing...it's cool to see and experience it all. Thank you for trying to make me laugh as much as possible.

Nothing important

We went to Cleveland for the long weekend. And, it was long... Z is teething and wasn't her normally charming self. We are spoiled. My child has been an angel for so long that her cries and frustrations with breaking teeth are met with shock and fatigue. It hasn't been really bad, but it's been more challenging than I'm used to. She's getting her two bottom front teeth. 2 at a time? Gosh. I'm glad I'm no long breast feeding. I see how she bites the bottle and it makes me cringe.

The bags need unpacked, laundry done and things need to get back to normal. I did realize that I'm ready for our vacation. We slept at a hotel last night and it was kind of fun. A break in the cycle. Z had her own bed and crashed pretty well. Getting up and heading down for breakfast that was already made was heavenly. Not having to worry about cleaning up the room, ahhh. Today, I'm tired. Grandma's bed wasn't very comfy and J and I kept waking up at 5am just to chat--that's nice....but makes for very long days. Tonight, I plan on heading to bed after Z and trying to enjoy my big, soft bed.