Small Talk just sucks.

It's hot. Z has her little pool all ready for an afternoon of water and sun. We got it yesterday. We also got a great hiking backpack! We hiked a little on Sunday and it works well. We even used it to watch the Memorial Day parade in Pittsford. She's up high and looks very comfy.

Spring seems to have disappeared. It was here for about 2 weeks and now Summer has taken hold. 91 degrees today. The Cottonwoods are shedding and now we have summer snow. I'll take it.

My journaling is going well. I'm still trying to focus on the truth of the day instead of what I'm writing here--vague and small talky. I'm not a small talk person. I think that's why making new friends is hard for me. I have so many life long friends...it is just too much effort to be so light.

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We just spent some time at the pool and it's too stinkin' hot for her to be out there too long. Now we are inside waiting on the DISH guy. Our stupid TV is out again. I'd never get DISH again...but for 2 years, it's a great deal.

What a garbage post. Sorry...a lot of small talk. SEE! I'm not good at it!!

The truth is a virus

I've been reading May Sarton and Anais Nin's dairies off and on. I relate to May's more. Both write about the importance of honesty in a journal. I've found myself writing very bland and vague entries--as if it will eventually be picked up and read. So, this week I've been focusing on writing with as much honesty as possible. I can't worry who picks it up someday, I just have to write my truth each day. It's harder than you think. Now I understand why Oprah keeps her journals in a safe under lock and key with strict instructions upon her death. I'll have to do the same thing. I'll find my way to getting safe to keep my mind at ease.

Writing in a journal helps me sort out my thoughts. It also keeps time. I have a memory issue and writing it all down will help my recall. My years of medication robbed me of many years of my life. Many times my friends will tell me of times in my twenties and I'm just blank. Jason has to remind of me of times in our relationship as well. I don't want to lose any of our current time.

Everybody Hurts

Just got done watching Shania Twain's show on OWN. This particular episode was particularly good. The show really focuses on healing. She communicates with a lot of different people in order to deal with the pain in her own life. I've always felt that my interactions with others is how I learn/heal best. That's why we are all here I believe. We are all connected. Our souls weave in and out of one another. So much healing and loving is done by just communicating. I spent so much of my teens and twenties just trying to talk and connect to my friends. The electronic age seems to have stolen a lot of that away from me. So many of my friends don't communicate well via email or even the phone. We grew to be friends face to face and it's hard to feel close any other way. We are all in different places now--we should Skype. I miss the chats in my mom's kitchen and on the floors of my assorted apartments throughout the years. I miss having that soul connection.

Watching the Shania episode just now, I am reminded of how each of us are so damaged in our own way. To see the devastation in Joplin, MO today...seeing how people are dealing with such loss...it's incomprehensible to me. As human beings, we are all struggling each day. Yes, I like the focus on the positive and I see the joys of every day life. At the moment, I can hear the birds outside and love all the green surrounding the house. I love the sounds of nature and feel it has it's own healing powers. The silence. Healing can reach each of us in so many ways. I heal by talking, listening to music, listening to the outdoors, sitting quietly, writing and by just reading about others' experiences. I do believe there is life after our life here on earth. Meaning, I believe in what many would call Heaven. I'm not sure what I'd call it. But, I believe in the spirit and how we are all connected together. I believe that we have so much power in our connections than we do in our separations. I've spent a lot of time trying to separate myself from many things in my life. There is so much to learn. What places/people do you use as your grounding forces? I'm so distant from many of my gravitational pulls...it's hard.

If you get a chance to see Shania's show on OWN, you should check it out. It's at least thought provoking.

Listening to Anna Nalik

As I sit here listening to this album--Wreck of the Day, I literally feel as if I'm back in my bed in Chicago. All the feelings I had in Chicago just pour over me. All of the fear and love and recklessness...it's a great and almost nauseating feeling. So much emotion. So many layers of feelings. So many feelings of love, lust and confusion.

It reminds me...yes...I've lived.

Blahness is out.

I always seem to have higher expectations for people and situations than what actually happens. If you have low expectations just so that you're not disappointed, won't you always wonder what would've transpired if the bar were higher? I do feel disappointed a lot. I hate that. I do take the experience and earmark it for later. I've disappointed a lot of people. I can think of a few times when I came in so below the mark that I am ashamed and never quite feel redeemed no matter what I do. All I can do is move forward. I can do better. I can try to shine brightly instead of being a gray cloud. I am attracted to positivity and cheerfulness. I used to be pulled into the dramatic and depressing. No more. I want to feel like the people in the Firework video--like I have a sparkler stuck in my chest. I wish everyone had a sparkler. I wish everyone was bright and cheerful...not annoyingly so, just enough to keep up the energy.

And is it me or is my blog totally messed up??

Everything disappeared all around it. So weird.

After running into my neighbors...

When Z is with me, I lose my ability to be any kind of cool. Why is that? I meet people and act like a freak. I'm quiet and so not funny. What the hell??

Spending the afternoon with May.

Today is the perfect day for a walk in the woods. The noises of the outside are great today. The wind in the trees, the birds. I love it. Z is sleeping...this is nice as well.

I read my post from last night. It seems so vague. I have so many thoughts that float through my mind all of the time and when I write, I don't convey any of them really. My writing has become very bland. As a teen and in my young 20s, I was so much more expressive. I try to keep things light, now. But, life isn't always light. On the nights when Z is down and J is gone...I feel my mind has time to wander. I think about my mother's thoughts. She has a lot of time alone and I know after she's gone...I'll wonder what thoughts she has as she sits alone. I think our parents are somewhat of a mystery to us. My older sister is as well. She's one to keep her thoughts to herself. My younger sister and I talk for hours about everything. It's those that are quiet that really make me wonder. I want to know more. Maybe we think similar things. Maybe we'd have talks that would enlighten us. Maybe we won't ever know. It's quiet here. My mom always comments on that. She loves it. Back home, I lived on a street with a dip and I grew up hearing the noise of cars scraping their bumpers on it. (I find it comforting now) Here...there's just nature...and some lawn mowers and leaf blowers. Hearing the birds and insects here reminds me of Kansas. At night...everything gets quiet in St. John and you can hear the crickets and the wind. I missed that in Chicago. It never sleeps there...and you hardly see stars.

I'm reading May Sarton's Journal at Seventy. My friend, Jeremy picked it up for me years ago along with many of her other works. That was one of the best gifts I ever got--a load of May's books. Anyway, I feel as if I get to hear her thoughts while she sits quietly. It's not for everybody. She goes into great depth at the nature she sees. She writes about her thoughts about evenings with her friends. Here's an example:
(in response to an evening with friends...)

"All I could do was bask in the loving atmosphere and go to Yeats to express what I felt:
Think where man's glory most begins and ends
And say my glory was I had such friends.
I must say that hardly a day passes here without those lines running through my head."

I love that. She also spends a lot of time thinking about her parents like I do. After writing a memory she had and what it meant to her she wrote, "That is why we are never done with thinking about our parents, I suppose, and come to know them better long after they are dead than we ever did when they were alive."

I love that so much.


Thanks Jeremy. Miss you. Love you.

I left my heart in San Francisco

Z and I got back yesterday. She spent four days being spoiled to death by J's family and I spent four uninterrupted days getting back in touch with my husband. We traveled the CA coast, starting and ending in San Francisco--my favorite US city. I did a great job of staying in the present and focusing on connecting again. Our daily lives as parents can sometimes pull us away from being husband and wife. Jason works too much--but he's always worked hard...and that's just the way it is. After 5 years, I'm learning to appreciate his efforts instead of feeling slighted by them. He's always supportive if I want to try new things. I need to be supportive of how he gets through his day. He's not thrilled at his work hours. Why should I kick the guy when he's down? I've always loved the falling in love stage. I would say I am addicted to it. But, marriage isn't about that. At least, in my experience. For better or for worse. We haven't hit worse...we've just been going through, "really? this is how hard it is?" But, in the first few hours of us taking off alone...we were laughing and having a ball. The man that I've been frustrated with due to his issues with work/home balance had relaxed and made me feel giddy again. (Gosh, this sounds like we were in hell before...no. Just every day crap.) We get lost in all of it. Work, a baby, a mortgage and constant house chores just crowd out the romance. We spent our days talking and laughing and sharing our thoughts about whatever...it was great. I missed Z pretty horribly...but the butterflies reappearing in my belly were worth it.

Jason is in CA for the rest of the week. Already, the phone calls are more upbeat and cheery. I think we're both lighter and re energized.

If at all possible...reconnect as much as possible. And listen to the music you listened to in the beginning. Kiss. Hug. Sit near the other...even if they are working--to let them know you're there.

Lightening up.

It's been a while. I've been disappearing into the Royal Wedding a bit. Last Friday, that's all I did. Got up at 4AM and watched it til Z and I napped in the afternoon. I taped it all of course. We rewatched all 8 hours on Sunday as we put our will together. There was something so uplifting about it. Maybe I'm a little bit cut off from the rest of the world out here and it made me feel like I was part of it. I had the time of my life when I was there. We've witnessed so much tragedy due to natural disasters that it was so nice to feel a bond of happiness and hopefulness with people all over the world. Everyone was thrilled to be a part of it.

J and I are headed to CA tomorrow afternoon. It'll be the first time Z is without both parents. I know she'll have a good time, but it's hard when you can't really explain that we'll be back. Maybe she understand more than I think she does. We need to get away together...so I'll just trust she'll be fine and focus on being as present as I can be. That's something I need to work on. Enjoy the present and be present in the present. Also...thinking positively. I repeat it like a mantra in my head--be positive, be happy, smile and breath deeply. I want to associated with positive energy. I have a tendency to get way too serious about little things. Lighten up...lighten up.

So, for the next 5 days I'm focusing on a lighter, more joyous me. Deep breath. In with the joy and out with the worry.

Much joy and light moments to you!