I'm really just not that into you anymore.

This morning I watched an interview on Today that got me thinking about friendships. Martha Stewarts's daughter, Alexis spoke about her new book, Whateverland and also her friendship break up with the co author, Jennifer Hutt. They are simply not friends anymore...I guess Alexis didn't want to be around her and that was that. They had a tv show together...and they wrote a book...and it seems like one day Alexis thought, "I'm tired of being around you and you're not my type of person..." That's interesting to me. I have issues with friends at times. Meaning, I can't cut them loose even when I need to. I hang on to them...and it's just not healthy. Aren't there people you just think, "Wow, we used to have a lot in common...we used to be close and now...not so much. You annoy me, really." It's sort of awful, but really just life. We grow. We break up with boyfriends...why not friends? It's the friends that never ask you about you. They go on about themselves...and they don't seem to notice that you're even there. They disappear during difficult times. They don't even make you laugh anymore. Now, I know we all go through times when we have to focus on our lives and we drift, but that's not what I'm talking about. It's more...whenever you talk to this person you feel worse than when you started. That's not healthy. I have people like this...but I can't seem to break up. I wonder how many want to break up with me? (I need to become aware of this as well...and take some cues possibly...)

It's my own fault. I'm working on it. I need to make a conscious effort to be a better friend myself. I should focus on those that make my world better and the others will have to take a back seat. There are so many amazing people in my life that I don't speak enough to, I don't reach out to enough because of one thing or another--but good friendships and good people are a treasure and I need to start treating them that way.

Life is good, but there are some damn difficult times--it's time to not only realize who makes you stronger...but to lend a hand to those who might need your strength a bit more. Some aren't good at reaching out, but when you do--it's very rewarding. Grab hands and hold on...we've got a lot of life to go yet.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

— Steve Jobs

the giving trees

We took a little fam walk around the block around 10am. The sun was perfectly lighting the trees...yet it was so gray in other areas of sky. Oranges and reds just popped. The streets were wet from an early morning rain and for some reason the beauty of this time of day made me really emotional. Maybe it was because I was so thankful. Or, maybe I know that this time is fleeting... It's such a juxtaposition of the time of year and the times we live in. I feel such sadness and such happiness at the same time. I walked by Bill and Melissa's house and know all the pain they are in--but I want to go get them and take them on a walk with me. I know they're not ready to take it in...but one day they will again. When you go through such sadness, having the world be so beautiful can be maddening. The fact that it is still turning doesn't make sense. But it does. It continues to turn through all of our issues and our heartbreaks. It just keeps going--as it will long after we are gone.

Dustin is coming next Wednesday. I'm thrilled. He'll spend a week with us...relaxing, talking, Halloweening and eating. I got a sitter for Friday night so we can go haunted housing. The three of us love this time of year. I also put the sitter on hold for Thursday in case we want to go to the movies. Jason will be traveling. Mostly, it's just someone to sit in our house...since Z goes down so early. Last night she slept for 14 hours--she didn't feel well. Today, she seems much better.

This is the time of year to try to walk outside in the evenings and take in the noise of the swirling leaves and the crisp night air. It's a time to reflect. It's a time to really give thought to what's really important and make sure you've centered your life around it. Easier said that done...I know, but it should be done.

History

I have a playlist that I've been compiling for a while now. Currently, it has 142 songs. I titled it History. Basically, I go through my music and pick out all of the songs that have particular significance to me. Then, as I listen to it...it takes me on a ride through my life. It's pretty cool. I am thrown from one decade to another...and realize how resilient I actually was through all of it. Some great memories. Some, not so great. It's a cool experiment.  My heart grows and pushes through into different chambers as each song plays. Close friendships, loves, new friendships, hard times and times of great growth. The high school songs are still my favorite I think. I love the college songs, but in HS, I was just figuring out what groups and singers influenced me the most. Depeche Mode, REM, U2 and Edie Brickell--they just make me so happy. The Beatles are my life artists. They flow through each year and decade. Paul's voice just mends me. Simon and Garfunkel make me feel close to my parents. That's another thing...spirits come with the music. If I'm lonely...the spirits of my friends and family gather around. I can feel them. I feel close to them. It's amazing the journey the heart can go on...

circle of friends

Today I went over to Melissa's and sat with her girlfriends/sister/MIL around her kitchen table. We chatted, ate, played with an Ipad and just filled the time with comforting conversation. I only knew Melissa 2 weeks ago. After this experience, I feel that I've gained a family. I love the strength of women. I love their comforting ways. I love their loving force. Girlfriends are powerful supports and guides to me.

 The healing power of kind human interaction...it's really amazing. 

pity parties suck.

It's a rainy Friday. Rain that will bring the leaves down faster, unfortunately. My MIL is coming with Jason's sister. They should be here in 3 hours. It's hard to be around people when you are going through something difficult. You tend to want to be around people that feel the same way you do. Some friends shine through--crying with you...sending you messages of encouragement. I appreciate that. It's been a week. I'm not sure how long to feel this way. I understand there isn't a time limit...but I also know I don't want to be gray for too long. Z needs me to be sunshiny. I also want to be strong for Melissa and Paige--not someone they feel also needs comfort. I'm thinking about baking a pie or two. I've been thinking about it, but haven't had the energy yet. Yesterday I slept around in a good denial phase. When I don't want to deal, I sleep. I think I slept through college.

I need to start reading Frankenstein. My friend Jeremy emailed me he finished it. Yikes. We are suppose to discuss it...and Sleepy Hollow. I normally do my "reading" at the gym. But, this week, I haven't been going much. I want to feel better. I want this to be over. I wish it had never happened. I don't like feeling down--it makes me feel weak...it makes me feel like I used to. I'm giving myself a few more days and then I've got to pull myself out of it. The damn sky is dark today. Soon, the trees will be bare. I've got to start feeling better before that happens.

Ring Them Bells

It's Thursday. The colors of the trees are bursting. It's comforting. Everything is bright and lit by sun. Been trying to figure out how to learn from this tragedy. Bill was a great example of strength, kindness and always being a guaranteed smile. I'm going to do my best to follow that example. There is a song that I listen to when I'm feeling a bit down...it cheers me up. Yes, it's silly and theatrical, but just fun. I played it for Z in the car yesterday and she loved it.

Thanks Liza for always cheering me up--hope it does the same for you.

The funeral was today...

"Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come."
(The Big Chill)

On one of the saddest days in my history...this quote is the only thing that keeps repeating in my head.

Because it can happen just like that.

That's why kindness to others is so important. And being open to new experiences and new friends. To always be someone people can count on to be upbeat. To always greet people with a smile. To always offer help. To have the ability to have fun at any time. To push the limits of the human experience. To have a calming, balancing effect on people. To have people associate you with stability and hard work. To have so many know they can count on you no matter what. To do your best to make people feel at ease. To laugh each day. To tease in good fun. To be a true gentleman. To love nature and experience its beauty often. To enjoy so many things and show others how to enjoy as many as possible. To change the life for the better of those you come in contact with. To be a good friend. To be a good neighbor. To be a good husband. To be a good father.

you never know.

Two dear friends of mine were killed yesterday in a car accident outside of Scranton, NY. They were headed to NYC for a follow up visit on a Dr. appt. They'd just turned 40- 2 weeks ago. They were twins. Bill was our neighbor on the left with his wife Melissa and their daughter, Paige. And Lynn, his sister. They'd both been at my home last Saturday having margaritas and playing mexican train dominoes with Melissa. We spent many weekend evenings together--some great nights outside by a fire in the backyard. They were laid back, sweet and very easy going people.  Easy to joke with them. Easy talk just sit and talk. I will miss them both very  much.

Call the person you've been putting off calling.
Hug your loved ones.
Get over any petty fights you might be having.


It's hard not to be angry at someone. It's hard, period. We moved to Rochester about 3 years ago now. After feeling a bit alone out here...Bill and his family made Roc home for us. Finally, we had friends to enjoy on the weekends and to see over the fence each day. We had people we so enjoyed--who shared our same interests and felt so similarly to how we feel about so many things. Just a heartbreaking shame.

Addict

All my life I've noticed my strongest addiction is to people. I find someone I adore and almost overdose on them. I would spend all my free time with certain friends, boyfriends, even my grandparents. I see things in them that I want to be. Many times I took on parts of their personality...an homage to them, I suppose, but I'm sure it was annoying. Now, I find myself in a Katharine Hepburn addiction. Although she past away many years ago, I'm just catching up to her. She's fascinating. She's strong. She's FIERCELY independent.  I write of her in present tense because I'm reading about her as if she's alive. She's such force. I love it. I'm learning so much from her--from books, clips on youtube and movies. I feel like I'm in a class. Today, I came across her quote, "Life is hard for everyone. That is why so many fall victim to it." She was not speaking of herself. She was never a victim and refused to play roles of one. She was always active--very athletic. She loved dinner parties and tried to have her week filled with guests. I'm the same way. I love having people over and love to spend time with friends. She often gave up rooms in her home to people she wanted to spend more time with--I would do this as well.

Since I played the victim role for many years, I'm very conscious of never feeling that way again. She's a great teacher. I find myself sitting in front of the computer endlessly searching everything about her. I always take my obsessions a bit far. Thank God I never started smoking.


Later---

I finished the book at the gym. I actually stopped peddling the bike and sat for a bit, tearing up. I've been watching a documentary she narrated, All About Me on Youtube and love it.

On a side note: I've just learned that Steve Jobs died. What an amazing mark he left on the world. Gone too young. Amazing mind.

Dark Days

Times are hard. Times are good. It's ALWAYS the best of times and the worst. I've been lucky to look at life mostly as an adventure...with exception of my darkest days of depression. Those days I hope are over. My life is good and the daily struggles are mine, alone. I hear the hollowness of others at this time. The dark days cause so many to dip down into dreariness. It can be lonely. It can be overwhelming. It can be damned annoying hearing how someone else is doing well. I understand that. Misery does love company. In my darkness, I always knew the next day would be better. How could it be any worse??

It could be that my dark 20s set me up for a good vantage point for the rest of my life--in comparison, life is good. I'll take it. I look back in horror so many times at my poor decision making and my life of self pity and selfishness. I should be thankful for the reality check of what life could be. I don't struggle to pay my bills like I used to. I don't have continuous struggles and heartbreak with my relationship. I don't have bad hair.

However, many are struggling. Many are lonely. Many feel alone and that they have no help. I hate that. I wish I could help. I wish there was something magical I could do to make someone see some brightness. When you are in the dark...it seems as if it will always be dark. I'm here to tell you it won't be. Autumn is my favorite season, but it used to be my least favorite. It was a time of fear. I feared the long dark days and my inner demons coming out to play. I feared the holidays and having to deal with others. I feared my depression taking me over. I remember those times. I'm here for you if you need me. I've been through it. I'll listen or be a destination for you to retreat to.

More on Monday

Went to the gym today and of course listened to my audiobook- Kate Remembered. Scott's relationship with Katharine becomes so close--spending almost every weekend with her for long periods of time. She comes down from the sky into your living room. I see her as a person instead of a personality. I find her to be so rich with life. Her temper, her quick wit, her athleticism, her strong opinions--a great role model. She swam quite a bit, even with snow on the ground. She wasn't much for sitting around. She was constantly questioning and learning--and stating her own thoughts on every matter. I think she surrounded herself with young people in order to stay current with the world and with her inner young woman. Our bodies age, not our minds or how we view ourselves. Well, I think they can...but she is proof that that doesn't need to happen. I strive for that. She's even encouraged me to go to the gym more. I go almost every day now. Even if it's not 1000 calorie burn, it's toning and time alone to think. Listening to the book brings the ache back of missing my grandparents, esp my grandma. I so wish I could talk with her again- or just hear her laugh. Now is the time when I'm ready for the cooking lessons and to hear about her childhood. I was too young to know WHAT to ask her about when she was alive. I hate that. I'm used to this feeling. I'm slow to learn many things about people. I'm slow to understand them. Slow to know how to be a good friend. It takes years for me to figure it out. Kate seems to be one that figured so much out so early. This is becoming a trend. Maybe it's just me. It's frustrating to learn the hard way.

Silent Orange

I'm writing while Z calms down from a complete meltdown. I put her in her bed until she can regain humanness.  The leaves are finally starting to change a bit more. It is silent. The wind stopped and so did the rain. My child stopped screaming. It's glorious. The pops of orange, yellow and red light up the woods behind our house. The deer eating the apples I threw out. We are far away from traffic, from family drama, from ghosts. I love it here.

It's a dark and stormy start.

Halloween begins at the Vidmar's. I decorated the entire house while J and V played in the loft. I invited the neighbors over for margaritas and games to celebrate. It's a rainy, dark and cold Oct. 1st day. I love it. It's perfectly ghoulish!!

It's the perfect "holiday"--no gifts, just candy. No family squabbles over where to stay...or what to cook. Nope. A month of pumpkin patches, haunted hayrides, too much candy and horror movies. (And a visit from Dustin and hopefully Mandi!!) Let the haunts begin.