i wonder as i wander

I just got done watching Wonder Boys. There are a handful of movies that make me feel...at home somehow. I'm not sure I believe in past lives, but there is something that happens when I connect to a certain story, character or maybe it's the geography in a movie. I'm not sure. I suppose most of them revolve around literature. Each of them are based at a University. Weird. I tried my hand at playwriting. I'm not sure if that's for me or not. I still think I could come up with something--due to my love of conversation. I've never focused on career. I've focused on relationships with people. I love when I'm sitting around with people and think, "this is what life is about...conversations like this." I feel as if I'm still collecting information. Suddenly, a story will come to me and I'll be able to write it. Who knows what form that will be. My life has been about collecting experiences. I'm not there yet. I've always looked forward to my older self. Youth has its advantages--mostly how you look. It's full of confusion and mistakes. I'm not to my most interesting self yet. The child bearing years, especially, create lull in creativity and productivity for me. It's about someone else. Creating a life for them--a base for them to grow.

I feel horribly unfinished today. I'm never one to enjoy the present. I think about the past and what it taught me and I wonder about the future. Life unfolds each day. Some days it's pretty damn bland. Other days I can see the adventure ahead. Wonder Boys creates the desire. I feel at home with these bizarre characters. I understand their weirdness. They love to create. They love to surround themselves with the same types of people.

I lose my way too easily. I put things off. I have ideas that I don't follow through on. It's a weakness in character. But, the good thing about being human is that you have the ability to change.

in a fog

I've slept more hours than I've been awake today. I woke up sick--I'll spare you the details. Then was so exhausted I napped while Z watched Disney. Then Jason said he'd watch her over lunch, so I napped again. I did take a shower today. I can't remember if I brushed my teeth or not. Gross, right? I'm a gross, pregnant zombie. Each night I'm in bed before 10. Am I getting too much sleep?

I'm so glad I don't have any visitors right now.
It's almost nap time for Z. I will try to resist.

Trying to throw my arms around the world.

I've been watching the dark clouds start to roll in for a while. They are about to cover the house. Dark, dark gray clouds. I could hear leaf blowers and lawn mowers and now...silence. It's so still that if I were in Kansas, I'd be looking for a funnel cloud. It's creepy and sad.

I texted Melissa. Her birthday is this weekend. Her first birthday without Bill. She is sad and "not in a good place." Each day our friends go through pains and hurts that we either know or may not know about. It sucks that there isn't some type of Batman signal that lights the sky when that happens. We could all see it and go to them.

shhh.

The sun is shining. This makes me so happy. It seems hopeful. The Japanese Maple I can see out the window in front of me is beginning to bud. Soon, the temps will normalize and each day will be one where the outside is a regular player.

I've been hiding out for long enough. I sort of wilted from everyone--feeling wilty myself. I barely see Melissa, I barely take walks in the neighborhood, I haven't returned phone calls. For the past 6 weeks I've been dealing with morning sickness. Yep. That's right. I haven't even told many people, so if you see someone, just keep it to yourself. Facebook will not be notified for a long time. I've been nervous about it. We miscarried last year and I didn't want to have to deal with telling so many if it happened again. I haven't told my nieces and nephew yet. We just told family last weekend. I'm 10 weeks along. Until I'm about 15, I just feel a little shy about it. But--the sickness has just knocked me out. It's been just gross. I'm either exhausted or nauseous all day. I know it is a good sign, but I don't like it. I'm not a "I LOVE being pregnant!" sort of person. I love the outcome.

Okay, there. It's out. I'm a wimpy pg woman who just seems to shrink from society and become pretty useless all around. I hope I make up for it in the coming months.

Snap out of it!!!

The clouds are out. I needed the sun today. I've been in a mental rut. One of the things I would like to change about myself is my mental toughness. If I am not feeling a 100% in any way (physically), I struggle with my day. I spent years of feeling "out of it" due to being over medicated for anxiety/depression--probably caused by the meds I was taking. I don't push through things as I'd like. I have very tough friends. I've always been surrounded by take charge women who really rarely complain. They just get it done. Why has this not rubbed off on me? I get frustrated with my personality. WHY am I like this? I want to change. I want to be stronger. I want Z to understand that you just have to get through your day no matter what sometimes. You can't sit and wonder why you don't feel well. Honestly, I think I cause more ill that way. Quit thinking and just do. Quit wanting things to be different and just make them different. Quit being a victim to not feeling well.

I am so thankful no one is visiting me right now. Jason is being more than understanding. "We're just trying to survive at this point." However, this lull in my domestic fantasticness showed him some things, "I will admit that now I really know how much you were doing before." Well, I guess that is a positive. So today, I am kicking myself in the ass to be better than I have been. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Yes, quit being such a whiny wimp and power through it.

It's been over a month that I haven't been feeling so well-- and I am tired of what it's done to me mentally. I'm over this.

I probably do need a slap in the face--Z needs to say to me, "Mom, I don't know what's going on with you, but you aren't doing me any favors."

She's right.

Everything is Illuminated

It's been a slow blogger week. I've been a little sluggish I suppose. I'm not having the most productive time or being much of a shining star mom-wise. The weather is beautiful. The trees are budding. I'm slowly coming out of my winter fog. Today is better. Not that I'm depressed--just not feeling up to par lately. The sun seems to be urging me to turn it around. "Stop being that way--I've come back to join you for two seasons and I expect you to be out and about." She's right--we need to feel the warmth and get to the parks, etc. I find, if I'm cloudy and not making much sense, nature seems to be the place to look. It always bounces back and finds a way to show beauty and progress. It is dependable. I feel like pitching a tent in the back yard and sleeping out with the stars and night noises. Doesn't that sound nice!?? First, we need to clear our yard of deer scat. It's nasty out there. I also need to clean out my car.

This time of year--when the warm starts to come back--always reminds me of growing up in SJ. Although it isn't a place I would live now, I did love growing up there for the most part. I am one who does a good job of adapting to environments and trying to find the best things in them. There were some real gems in St. John. Some fantastic people came out of there. The streets were safe. There were bullies, but the good people out numbered the bad. I got a job at 14 and found work there each year until I was 20 in the summers. I'm not sure employment is that possible  now. There were a handful of extremely cool, bright, think outside the box people. I did a good job of finding them. I have always been a bit of a follower, but I have always been pretty successful at deciding who to follow. (that's key!) I have very strong feelings of happiness there. I did my best to enjoy high school. Not knowing what else was out in the world helped. I lived in a snow globe. What I saw was pretty. I made due. That is the benefit of being in a small town--with good people. I hate to say that I'm not sure if SJ is full of as many good as it once was. It seems to have more bullies, more slugs,  more kids (and adults) with piss poor attitudes. There doesn't seem to be any school spirit. Cell phones and the internet have taken away the great opportunity for conversations that helped you grow and form. When I go back, no one is walking the streets like we did--enjoying the weather and just talking. No one is at the town square at night, like we were. No one is playing basketball at Brown Park. No one is playing tennis. No one is sitting on the front steps of their houses with friends. My niece goes to high school there and her experience is nothing like mine. It makes me sad. My hope is that college is a great experience for her. It was difficult for me. Though I still had the benefit of being surrounded by top notch people, I was a mental disaster. If I'd been surrounded by those who didn't love me, my life would be very different now.


All these thoughts just because I felt the sun on my face this morning. Nature binds our years together. Every season brings new memories and surfaces old ones. It makes me happy to remember and also tears me up to know that there are people I love dearly who aren't here anymore to enjoy it with me. I do believe they are here still--yep, I'm one of those people. I believe a memory comes about when their hand is on my shoulder. We are never alone. Those we love are all around us...and they are ok. They guide and they comfort us. They are in the budding trees and in the warm evenings...they are in the bird songs and chirping crickets. They are in everything that brings you  joy.

Here are two examples of cream of the crop SJ people. Jenny and Jeremy. We took this in the woods outside of Woodstock, NY this past weekend. I got lucky with them. Positive, happy, inspiring, open minded, funny and creative forces--as kids and as adults. that rocks. (you can click on the pic to make it bigger)

A Walk in the Woods

It's Monday. I'm trying to get into the flow of the day, but I haven't yet. I got home last night from my weekend away in the woods with friends. My head is still there. It's still having the conversations and still loving being around them. It's still trying to listen intently to the stories they are sharing. It's still trying to wrap my head around the greatness of their lives and their experiences. They are both rich in travel, books, music and life experience. They are also still searching for meaning and for where to go next--like I am. We all grew up in the same small town. Now, we all are in the East--Boston, NewYork, Rochester. I see Jeremy a couple times a year now it seems, but I hadn't seen Jenny since 2005 or so. There didn't seem to be any time lost. It was comfortable and inviting. I didn't feel as if I had to be anything else that what I am. I expressed my wishes for a better me...but felt very loved as the me I am right now. I didn't have to hide my feelings on certain topics because they had similar feelings. I didn't have to worry about certain conversations surfacing because we were in a place of like minds. I didn't feel ill at their world view. I didn't feel confused by the way they saw other people. I didn't feel judged.

And I talked and talked--like I had a certain amount of words that needed to be said before I could go. There were people there that wanted to listen. They knew where I'd been and where I was. I didn't have to tell a back story or give a huge explanation like I was breaking in a new therapist.

These types of conversations are rare for me. I hope they aren't for them. I hope they have many friends that make them feel as loved as they made me feel. I hope you do, too.

We hiked in the mountains a bit and my legs are so sore. I am not as in shape as they are. She is training for a marathon for god's sake. It's embarrassing how out of shape I am.

So, after my weekend of not caring if the cabin was in shambles due to our wide variety of food and drink and music and magazines--I am ready to cleaning my own house. I didn't feel that urge for 2 days and it was BLISS. AND Jeremy did most of the cooking--another blissful thing. I was the sponge. I soaked up the conversation, the music--some I'd never heard, the food--a lot of food, the perspectives and stories I'd never heard before.

 I find it so refreshing that new revelations can happen with people you've known your entire life. We all change, we all create our lives each day--and when you check in with people later--what a relief it is to think, "Gosh, I've always loved you, but I love you even more now."

A Certain Kind of Eden

BY KAY RYAN

It seems like you could, but

you can’t go back and pull

the roots and runners and replant.

It’s all too deep for that.

You’ve overprized intention,

have mistaken any bent you’re given

for control. You thought you chose

the bean and chose the soil.

You even thought you abandoned

one or two gardens. But those things

keep growing where we put them—

if we put them at all.

A certain kind of Eden holds us thrall.

Even the one vine that tendrils out alone

in time turns on its own impulse,

twisting back down its upward course

a strong and then a stronger rope,

the greenest saddest strongest

kind of hope.

no fun

The sun is shining. It's 67 degrees. Z is in a St. Patrick's day tutu and that's all. She isn't enjoying clothes lately. I'm in HoHo pants and a Henry Miller t-shirt. Least to say neither of us has showered. We just had some lunch and I'm trying to make up for everything I didn't do yesterday. I hate that cleaning is a daily thing. It's never ending.

Z stopped taking naps some days and this is totally throwing me off. I need to find a new schedule. I feel like a total slob. It's 1:30 and I'm not even changed. These are not the best of days.

My dream self has endless energy. She is up early, showered and ready for the day. She has all the meals planned out. She has daily activities for Z. She is always in a good mood. She is on top of the laundry and the house chores. She can sing and never has to wash her hair. She probably wouldn't have any friends.

Neglect

I've been in a fog for quite some time. Then, all at once the fog lifted and I realized that my house is a complete disaster and I seem to be a bit of a disaster myself. Today is the day to rectify that situation. It's probably my way of dealing with my mental health--if my house is clean, then I'm a good mother, wife and person. (ridiculous) When things are a mess around me, I feel out of control and it's a little too familiar of a feeling. I've been neglecting everything really. Z didn't change out of her pajamas yesterday and I didn't either. Today she is running around with just pull ups because I'm determined to put her in clothes.

We're taking Meryl to the vet this morning. She's peed all over our closet. She obviously isn't feeling well. She snuggled with me last night, poor kitty. Jason isn't feeling sympathetic. It took one article for to know we can't just make her an outdoor cat. It would mentally mess her up. She just needs care. In a house with a toddler, that is difficult at times. Hopefully they can help her today.

We leave for Cleveland in the morning. Oh how I wish I could stay here and tend to things that I can't tend to with everyone here. I daydreamed about it this morning. I could clean and organize and relax and sleep. I could go to the store. I could go to a movie. I could nap. It was a nice daydream.

It just started to pour. It's a greenish gray out. I've been in the dumps all day--mostly because I don't feel up to par. But, as I was sitting and struggling with my inner self, I heard the rain start coming down and everything got dark. It was somewhat of a relief. The outside reflected my insides and it acted as an equalizer. It leveled it all out. The pressure lifted a bit. I feel comforted...like having a friend to sit and cry with.

whiny and no fun.

Today seems to be hard for me for some reason. It's gray and windy, but warm enough for Z to spend time outside. I've showered and tried cleaning in order to give my day some order. The days run together sometimes. I'm still fighting this cold and it seems to be kicking my butt. Will you see how much complaining I'm doing?? It's just awful.

Some days you just need to make your bed and see what happens from there. (Currently my bed isn't made.)

I'm going to go do that and I'll see if that helps.

Ok, it helped a little, but I got distracted and started doing something else. Now I'm making some lunch for Z which she'll probably not like and we'll have a battle about it. She likes to battle about most things these days. Then, she turns on a dime and is the sweetest child in the world. She comes by it naturally I suppose.

Our cat, Meryl Streep has issues. She's peeing in the playroom. She peed right in front of Jason last night. He wants to make her an outside cat. Is that cruel? Can we do that? She has all of her claws. But she's been an inside cat for at least 6 years or so. He wants to get rid of her, actually--but we're not doing that. I'm going to do some research as to what kind of people we'd be to start having her live outside. I'd get her a bed and she'd have shelter--but I might lose my husband if we don't do something.

Me and TV

She sun is shining. The thermometer reads 64 degrees. Z played outside on the deck this morning. She's been stuck inside for too long. She's napping now before we go to Little Gym.

We are both a bit tired. We're both battling colds and fatigue. She only sleeps in our bed now. I don't mind really. I used to. Now, I find it so darling to come to bed and see her little body curled up in it. Also I'm freaking out about her growing up and am hoping that maybe some bed sharing my help with the bonding time. I want her to feel close to me. I want her to feel comforted. I used to crawl in bed with my grandparents and it used to fill me with such comfort and contentment.

Switching gears, let's talk about TV:

Smash: The writing is somewhat poor but it has moments of good entertainment. I watched the first 5 episodes and am deciding to keep watching. I guess that means something. The music numbers can be cheesy and manipulated. There are only about 3 people that can actually act on the show. But, I'm willing to hang in there.

Rosie: She has a show on OWN--a talk show type. I watched a couple episodes last year and it was not good. However, she changed up her entire format and now only has one on ones with people and it is so good now. Really. Her interviews are fascinating. I hope people catch on. It's the best talk show on TV right now.

The Bachelor: I don't watch this but everyone else does. I have watched past seasons-I admit that. I stopped because I felt I was wasting away. The guy is not so attractive this year. I'm not sure why I'm writing about this except that it shocks me to hear so many (intelligent) women watching it. I think it is a mental escape. It must be.

The Walking Dead: I am addicted to this show. Jason originally pushed us to watch this--I'm not HUGE on zombies, but this is really captivating. I know Bill used to watch it, too. Jason mentions Bill almost every time we watch it. You have to start from the beginning, really--but it is SO GOOD and it's about so much more than zombies. A lot of hidden meanings in there.

Downton Abbey: The season is over but I couldn't love this show more. Geesh. I can't wait. You should really check it out if you haven't.

The Good Wife: Love it.

Mad Men: It's coming back finally!!!! March 25th. It's been soooo long it's crazy, but I'm just as excited.

American Idol: I suppose this is my Bachelor. We are addicted to it. It's our family time. I have a crush on Steven Tyler.

Gossip Girl: I am the only one who watches this show. I'm convinced. It's ridiculous. It's a soap I guess. Love the clothes and the characters. It brings out my inner teen. (which isn't hard)

Parenthood: Love the writing. Love the characters. Love the set design.

House: Been crushing on Hugh Laurie for so long...why not keep watching.

The View: reminds me of my Mom. makes me miss her when I watch it. It also makes me feel as if I have more girlfriends here.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: This is Z's pick. It doesn't drive me nuts like Dora. It's watchable. It's on too much.

I'm not ready

I've been noticing  a difference in my attitude towards change. I used to love it. I moved a lot, rearranged furniture a lot...always changing my hair and look--but now, as I see Z get older, the changes are not as easy. We are converting her crib to a bed and I am sad. I'm thrilled that she is growing and learning...but I am sad at how fast it is all going. I am nervous at my mothering skills as we head into her rebellious stage. I hope I am up for the task. I worry about being firm, but not too firm. I worry about her railroading us. I worry about her hating me as a teen. It's just an odd time. She struggles with pushing boundaries. We all do.

I think I kept wanting things to change until they felt just right. For while now...things have felt good. I just want it all to stop and be what it is. Change could bring a different feeling. I want it all to be painted and then I just want to sit and look at it.

Watching my parents age doesn't help. I know that I won't have them forever. Some of my friends have already lost their parents. I can't imagine it. They are our constants. Now we're suppose to just know how to be without them? I don't mean to focus so much on the negative side of things today. I'm just feeling a bit on rocky ground. Everything is okay...please have it stay that way.

It won't.  It's a day to question everything, I guess.

Feeling...

Happy.
Made plans with high school friends for two weekends from now. He's coming from NYC, she's coming from Boston...we are meeting in Woodstock, NY at a cabin in the woods for a weekend of food, talks and laughter. That should be good for the soul.

Sad.
My mom left yesterday and I'm still adjusting to it. I've been cleaning and such to give the day some purpose. I miss spending the days with her.

Frustrated.
Z is in a very independent stage. She challenges us on everything and is very lippy. Goodness! Lots of time outs and talks. She knows how to manipulate. She knows how to turn on the charm. She's too cute. Damn.

Tired.
Winter is slowly sucking the energy out of me. I'm doing my best to not want to nap all day long. I nap with Z (when she does anymore...) and the rest of the time keep moving in order not to get sluggish.

Disgusted.
Gay marriage is such a hot topic. Growing up in Kansas, most of my FB childhood friends are probably against it. My Chicago friends are in support. My family is divided. Jason's family (but not Jason) is totally against it--we try not to bring it up. (I wouldn't have married him had he been against it.) My family is either in support or they just don't discuss. I watched this great (longer) video this morning and I found it so informative. I guess I'm just tired of the fighting. Maybe it takes knowing, loving, being friends with someone who is gay. I think to know and to love is to understand. The fear and ignorance of others wears me down.

If you have time, you should watch this: