Sylvia

I just read this:

"Nothing is real except the present, and already I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I , too, will passs. The high moment, the burning flash come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don't want to die."

She wrote this at 18 and killed herself at 30. (I wrote 31 in a previous post--didn't realize she hadn't yet had her birthday.)

Just a quick realization. I felt more like this at 20...now at 34, I feel more hope and less like the centuries are smothering me. I live, comforted by those who are around me...and comforted that they will also die like I will. It's too soon for me to write about whether I believe in Heaven or not, but I do have a strong sense that those I've lost, I will see again. At least knowing I share the same fate as the people I love makes dying less scary. I used to lie in bed as a kid and just freak out trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to die one day. I just couldn't figure it out. Life was too big to think it wouldn't always be around me.

What brings people to such a choice? I was preoccupied with death a lot in college...but never got to the point where I could see it as a reality.

Back to reading.

Bravo!

I DVR all of the West Wing reruns on Bravo...and just sit in disbelief. So well written. Just good stuff--and I feel like I learn something when I watch it! I love that. There are good shows that I love to sit and watch because they are entertaining and don't require any thought (American Idol, The Bachelor, Grey's Anatomy) and shows where I actually admire the camera work, the rich colors in the film and the grit!!--The West Wing and Damages.

Off to go out to eat--date night! More on this subject later...

Back from date night. (ate at a new place for us that sets right on the erie canal-very pretty!)

Netflix has totally changed my viewing habits as far as TV goes. I love to get an entire season of a show and just sit doing a marathon. It's a great way to get lost in it. I saw Damages, Dead Like Me (loved it), 24 (seasons 1-4), Weeds and Brothers and Sisters. I tried to rewatch Moonlighting...not as good. I'm really showing how much crap I watch.

But there are so many more options on Netflix that you can't get anywhere else--like The Decalogue-- 10 Polish films based on the 10 Commandments. Fascinating! Mostly, I'll listen to my podcasts and write down all the ones they talk about that I haven't seen. Movies are my hobby. Until I have children, I prefer to spend my time just watching---it's an escape. I'm always looking for an escape.

Thursday

I'm not sure if it's the winter or what, but Jason and I seem to be reading some real gems. He's reading, "Beginner's Guide to Immortality" (Clifford A. Pickover)--hmm. Last night he read two suicide notes from poets that really affected him. It's about the people of the history of the world who have been immortal by being remembered--going against the grain somehow or making contributions to art...or creative works that leave a lasting mark. He's obviously looking for some meaning.

Here is what he read--

1st by Austrailian poet, Adam L. Gordon. He killed himself and left this note, "Life is mostly froth and bubble/ Two things stand like stone/ Kindness is another's trouble/ Courage in your own."

2nd by Robert Lowell. He wrote this to a poet Elizabeth Bishop, " I see us still when we first met...I was brown haired and 30...I was largely invisible to myself, and nothing I knew how to look at. But the fact is we were swimming in our young age, with the water coming down on us, and we were gulping. I can't go on."

I think Jason is wondering about what he does in life...and how it will be remembered. It's hard to feel as if you are giving back to the world when you sit behind a desk all day answering emails. He struggles with it. I struggle with that as well.

I'm no better--I'm reading Sylvia Plath's journals still. I love to read memoirs and such from women. Men's thoughts don't interest me as much--probably because I'm not one. Their minds function differently. I've read a lot of May Sarton's journals as well. I love her. She wrote well into her 70s. Another lady who is starting to write her daily thoughts is Jane Fonda. I found her blog yesterday and have been reading it. (http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog/) She is 71. She looks fabulous. I saw her on The View the other day talking about it. She writes every day and inspires me.

Today's activities have so far included cleaning up the kitchen and tidying up the house...of course. Made myself some grits for lunch. YUM. I wrote down all the bills on the calendar. Downloaded some pictures and sent them out. Watched Damages from last night...love that show. And....tried to urge my Chicago pals to go see Reva tonight in Chicago. I wish I could go. She also inspires me--always has.

Last night was ridiculous. All I wanted was to make some brownies, relax and watch American Idol. (Jason and I love to sit and watch Idol--2 hours of thoughtless bliss.) I read the directions wrong and put in 3 eggs instead of 1. DAMN!!! I ruined them. They are wayyy too cakey now. Jason is eating them. It just infuriates me when I don't do something right. Especially if it has to do with dessert.

After this, I think I'll watch Brideshead Revisited. I got it on Netflix. Sounds like a good afternoon. I glanced over Craigslist...nothing. I'm assuming my interview will be this week--at least they lead me to believe so. I'm just waiting.

Yesterday's Oprah had some shocking stories of "tent cities" all around the U.S. where those who have lost their houses are living! Professional men and women with families that made 6 figs last year have NOTHING. It really threw me--and scared me. The most shocking thing were those whose families didn't know their plight. They didn't tell their children...or their parents...??? Families are suppose to help! I would take in my family members and I know they would take me in--or help in any way they could. That was so sad for me to see. I know it is hard for people to lean on others, but really...we're all here for each other. I see no shame in it whatsoever. None.

My mind is everywhere today. I can hear Jason on the phone with someone in his office. After 6pm I usually get irritated. Recently...I'm just appreciative. He works hard and he's doing the best he can. Desperate times require desperate measures. He hasn't slept much recently. Last night was the first time I'd see his eyes that dark in a long time. But--he did say he was feeling a lot better about everything. He'd watched Oprah with me and said we were lucky. Moving here was/is hard--but we have so much for a lot less. We're not "rock stars" living the fast life (like we feel our Chicago friends do)--but we're doing ok. We might get back to the city one day--if not Chicago, maybe outside New York?? Who knows.

(took this picture of Jason in December. Wanted his kids to see how their dad looked at his desk--"back in the day." )

ok...the oscar blog--because i can't let it go.

I saw The Reader. I saw Rachel Getting Married. (I saw them all except Frozen River because I just couldn't get myself to watch it. I knew it would ruin my day.) Anyway, so...Kate wins. I didn't vote for her. Anne Hathaway was awesome and I feel deserved it. As always, the Academy didn't agree with me and gave her a make up oscar. Whatever. Sean Penn won for Milk--thank god. I wept after that movie! Slumdog--I saw twice. It's good, but Oscar winning??? Hmmm. It's no English Patient.

I voted for Heath, he won. good. I voted for Penelope too--but thought it would've been fine had it gone to Marisa for The Wrestler. I guess if Slumdog is going to be best pic, then best dir. would be Danny Boyle, but I voted for Milk's Gus Van Sant. I got the best documentary correct--course Man On Wire was the only one I'd seen. (enjoyed it!) I would've given best score to The Dark Knight, but it wasn't nominated. Damn them. Original screen play--I voted for In Bruges, but Slumdog won again.

My observations--

The bullshit move of ABC to cut to Bradgelina when Jen was up speaking was so...Jerry Springer. It really lacked class and was just low rent.

Thought Hugh was hot...talented...and did a good job. I like the singing and dancing. He said, "more SHOW in Showbiz." Yes. I agree...I want to be entertained. I missed the comedian a bit, but he had some fun things to say. He's just so damn nice to look at!

I LOVED the previously winning actors giving out the awards. Really cool to see. It's a great way to welcome someone into their club.

Although I found Ben Stiller hilarious, I knew a lot of people wouldn't get it. I had to call my sister to explain it to her. Yeah...so he's making fun of Whakeen (because no one can pronounce it!!!) Phoenix. I thought it was comedic.

TOO MANY COMMERCIALS! What the hell was up with that??? They'd give out one oscar and then cut to an ad. BS!

Enjoyed Tim Gunn on the red carpet, but no one else. E! is such crap...and embarrassing to watch.

It must be something to be Meryl Streep. Really.

I hope more movies come out next year that are worth nominations. Spread out the love. We need more movies showcased!

some down time!

You'd think being unemployed would mean I'd always have down time...and normally that's true. However, I had my first guest! Dustin flew in from Chicago for Oscar weekend last Thursday. We headed over to Niagara Fall--which were FREEZING!! Beautiful though, really. The ice added a fantastical effect. Then we had a whirlwind trip to NYC to visit my old high school friend Jeremy Dewey. I'd never been to Brooklyn before and it was really very cool. We walked around his neighborhood and as always, I imagined if I lived there. Dustin and I had traveled to NYC 9 years ago in May. This was our anniversary trip! We watched the video I'd taped when we got home. 9 years ago...I looked good! Cute pig tails with a NY Jets hat on...strolling through Greenwich Village. That was the trip that spurred on my move to Chicago. Life changing...huh, guess you never know how experiences will shape your life. I think traveling is good for the soul. It gives you such great perspective! I love to visit places I've been before, but seeing new things is what really inspires me. There is a comfort in going to all the old spots--Strawberry Fields...The Dakota...Times Square, etc. But I really loved taking the subway to Brooklyn--eating at a neighborhood bbq place and just enjoying seeing how other people live their lives. Dewey is great...very laid back and sweet. He just keeps trudging into new territory and seeing where it leads. I love the adventure in him.

It was great to have Dustin around. We relaxed on Sunday--watched The Oscars. I wanted Anne Hathaway to win, but Kate Winslet did. That's fine. We saw The Reader...it was just ok. Sean Penn won for Milk and that was my big one, so I was happy. Dustin hadn't seen Slumdog (won for best pic), so we saw it Monday night at The Little Theatre downtown. He really liked that area. I took him around the neighborhoods Jason and I think about living. He couldn't believe how big the houses were at the cost. We like looking around at this point, but are not in a position to buy...mentally. One day.

I've been into memoirs for quite a while now and am now reading the journals of Sylvia Plath that Ted Hughes had published. I'm really enjoying it. I know that there will be some dark parts, but I haven't hit them yet. Right now, she's still 18 and talking about school. I've already out lived her. She died at 31. It's hard to imagine what her mindset was. (Well, not too hard to connect to that, but not somewhere I want to go.)

I'm feeling good today. The sun is shining and that just does me wonders. It's 44 degrees out. (a heat wave!)

I think the 5 days of constant talking and venting was healthy and helpful! I feel renewed. Hopefully he enjoyed it as much.

The picture is of Jeremy Dewey, Dustin and me at The Coffee Shop where we ate brunch on Saturday morning. (It's right off of Union Square)

Something's comin', I don't know what it is, but it's going to be great! ...

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up from 2-5 I think. I haven't done that in years. My mind just kept buzzing about. I was laying in bed thinking about the women I admire...some I've just recently come back into contact with through Facebook. The creativity just flows through them and they trudge forward into new territory. I love it. It actually inspires me to see what all they're doing and makes me think about what projects I might be interested in starting. (That kept me up as well.) My friend Leslie's photography really gets to me. I'm entranced! It's actually the first thing in a long time to really start me thinking. Jason woke up and asked if I was still thinking about it... I love to see people create. She's always been a motivator for me. In college, she literally changed my direction by getting me into new groups on campus. Yet another woman who has really helped me to find what I could really do.

Dustin comes on Thursday. My first friend to visit! I'm so excited I could bust. (YET another reason I couldn't sleep!!) We're off to NYC on Friday morning. We're driving to Albany and taking the train. We'll meet up with my pal Jeremy and spend the evening with him roaming about. We catch the train back the next afternoon. A very speedy trip. Most likely we'll walk through Central Park and Times Square...and duck into the Metropolitan. I hope the weather is in our favor. The last time we were together there, we didn't take any pictures with both of us in the frame. This time the tripod will be in tow. Another observation...some of the closest friends in my life I have very few pictures with.

Just talked with Amanda and talked through a fabulous idea! I'm going to work on the specifics now. Finally! Something to put my energy towards besides what recipes to try.

I'll explain more soon.

thoughts while dinner's in the oven.

I've become obsessed with cleaning--which is annoying. I think it has to do with the fact that I can SEE my productivity if everything is in its place. I used to find perfection boring...not creative. Now, I think I need a clean space to think. My head is messy and if I look around and see a mess, I become paralyzed. It's tiring--and may just be manic.

The Hallmark holiday was...interesting. It started out very...Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and ended up with diamond earrings and a warm bed. I've been under appreciating, taking for granted and taking up space in my head--alone. Marriage is sometimes hard for me. Not because of him at all, just because of me. I am too distant at times. I'm also too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I told him that I just need to say what I'm thinking instead of keeping it all to myself. I think appreciative things...and hot things...and loving things--but I forget to say them. He's kinder than I am...or rather, he shows his kindness towards me more frequently. I'll figure this out.

He worries that I don't do enough things that I'm passionate about. He worries that I'll lose myself in a corporate job. I think he sees things in me that need to come out and they haven't yet. That's inspiring.

I know he's right. I feel like an old rusty spring is wound to the point where it's just about to give...and when I sit for too long, I can't even touch my ear to each shoulder--or my chin to my chest. It's too tight.

I'll be honest here--because I've been thinking about it and I just want to throw it out there. Christianity makes me feel like I'm choking sometimes. Not that I frequent church, I don't. We rarely go unless family wants us to. But my family talks about it with us. I'm just not sure about it all. I'm wondering seriously about Buddhism. I've been looking at the books in my bookshelf that would give me some insight and I'm almost afraid to open them. Do I really want to set myself apart in another way?? It seems lonely at times right now. But something is missing.

from No More Masks...

For Witches

today
I lost my temper.

temper, when one talks of metal
means strong,
perfect.

temper, for humans,
means angry
irrational
bad

today I found my temper.
I said,
you step on my head
for 27 years you step on my head
and though I have been trained
to excuse you for your inevitable
clumsiness
today i think
I prefer my head to your clumsiness

today I began
to find
myself.

tomorrow
perhaps I will begin
to find
you.

-Susan Sutheim
(1969)

It's about time

I've been avoiding this blog...but I think about it every day.

I turned 34 yesterday. Jason seemed like he felt he needed to cheer me up. I wasn't down...I just felt as if I was quietly watching time pass. I made my grandmother's cake and ate on her plates as if to magically feel her next to me. All day I longed to talk to her. Then, in reviewing the pictures Jason took last night of me by my cake all lit up...I noticed that two pictures of her are in the bookcase (to my left) were in the background. My late friend Carrie (in the white frame to my right) seemed to be sitting right by my side as well. I may be reading into it, but there's something about it that extends past the image.

In my head I see a sun dial...and I watch the shadow change--my birthdays seem to be different shadows slowly passing by. The brighter the sun, the easier it is to see the time pass. The winter is hard. It seems to blend all time together and I lose track. I've always hated having my birthday in the dead of it. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder--as so many of us do. I need to start taking vitamin d on a regular basis. That and fish oil. These are things I never thought of when I was young.

I'm going on 4 months of unemployment. I believe I've gone that long before, but I can't remember. It certainly seems longer than the past. I wish I was going through some metamorphosis of some kind. Like any day now I'd become more beautiful than ever...and could fly away. I'm not looking to escape however...but maybe evolve into something else. I was talking to Kelly today about what I could do--what I could create or what I'd want to create. I have this feeling that I'm capable of doing something amazing...like I'm MEANT to do something...yet, I don't know what it is. Does everyone feel that way? I do feel that I'm meant to create. I feel strongly about that. And that creation will bring people together.

I recently saw MILK. Sean Penn was ...transformed. I looked closely at his face...his eyes...nothing was Sean anymore...it was Harvey. It's really amazing. I cried at the end. The movie is heartbreaking, yet inspiring. He says in the movie, "I'm 40 and I haven't done anything in my life...." So many though find their way later in life. I seek out stories like that. I feel we all want to know what's possible and that time hasn't robbed us of anything.

It's going to happen. Though I can't motivate myself to blog every day even though I say I will...I will somehow find this THING I'm suppose to do. I know it. Maybe when I'm 50 or so. I read May Sarton's journals--as she writes in her 70s and 80s...she just amazing. It's the woman's voice that really speaks to me. On Sunday, I picked up a book for poetry--the original edition "No More Masks--An Anthology of Poems by Women." Kortney introduced me to the revised edition years ago. Every woman should try to find a copy and read it. It was first published in '73 and it really has some fiercely moving ideas and thoughts in it. There is a poem "Bitch" where the writer refers to her inner self when she comes in contact with an old lover--the entire poem is her working through the moment of the encounter. Great stuff. There are 87 contributing women poets in it. Some are well known, like Sylvia Plath...but some were previously unpublished. Go get it. No More Masks--edited with an introduction by Florence Howe. If you don't find a single poem that you relate to or that changes you...I'd be surprised.

After days of endless clouds blanketing the sun...it finally shines today.

Beautiful.

Today, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Jason is gone and I needed to get out of the house since yesterday I seemed a bit down and laid around all day waiting on something to happen. I found a theatre that had stadium seating. I'd never been there before, but the usual theatre I go to has horrible seats and I knew that I'd be sitting for close to 3 hours. I thought I'd be alone, but at the last minute, a man came in and sat a few rows behind me. The movie was captivating. I love going alone. I love just sitting and not worrying if the person next to me is having a good time. I didn't even think about the time. The story gulped me up and I was just entranced. There's something about Brad that has you waiting on him to be beautiful. It doesn't come for quite some time, but when he finally hits the screen in all of his current glory, it's like a breath of fresh air. I forgot he was Brad...the actor, but I was fully aware of his face and was happy to see it. Cate was beautiful throughout. It was easier to see her age. When Brad and Cate "meet in the middle" of life and start their affair...I realized that I'm at that stage right now in my life. Jason and I will probably never look better. I often stare at him...he's so beautiful to me. I realize I will watch him age...his face will start to wrinkle and his back will begin to bend. I decided to print out as many pictures of him and put them into a book. I just want to remember this time in our lives...I want to remember us as young people. When I see pictures of my parents when they were younger, it's surreal to me. Seeing my father in black and white...with no lines around his eyes...there's just something about it that makes me feel as if I missed something. Our memories of people are all we have. Pictures capture a single moment in time you'll never see again. It's magical in a way. One day, Jason's children will laugh at his beard or his goofy smile. But when they see the pictures again as adults, they will realize he was young once...just like them and they will instantly feel a connection with him they didn't have before.

I cried at 3 separate occasions in the movie. It was heartbreaking to a point. But it also was so moving...the realizations you have about life. The fact that you are never too old (or too young) to start over...or to just start in general. I loved it. I wonder if the man behind me liked it. When the credits rolled, I stretched and slowly exited the theatre. I looked back to see him gathering his coat. We'd witnessed this wonderful story this afternoon --just the two of us. I felt oddly bonded to him.

There something about having the movie experience alone that is almost spiritual. That may sound nuts...but for a girl who rarely finds herself in church, it seems very close to the same experience. I've learned to be one of my best friends. As long as there is a movie theatre...I'm never lonely or alone.

a lazy shade of winter

So, I've been back from the holiday for a week or so but I haven't written. I wouldn't do well with writing deadlines would I? Or, maybe deadlines are exactly what I need. What I need, is a job. And, I've looked...and updated and posted...and nothing. I'm not watching paint dry, but I'm certainly not feeling that I'm growing during this time either. I'm frustrated, more with myself than with the economy. Being home was good for the soul. It showed me a lot about myself and about what my life is now. My life is me and Jason...and New York. I'm very friend oriented...I've been framing my friends' faces to keep them around me in each room. Not having any actual friends here is ok for now. I signed up for a Meet-up event on Saturday night. We're going to the movies!! And we will meet people! I'm going to put an reminder on the fridge. (the last time, I forgot about it.) It's time. We need to talk to some other New Yorkers.

We're doing well...I'm not trying to be in another room just to get away from him yet. Actually, I feel closer to him. We're a team...and we're getting through this together. Spring will help. The snow keeps me inside more than it should. I'm embarrassed at my lack of motivation to do do do!! I'm a creature of the sun...and it needs to be out in order for me to get the desire to run around outside. I'm just going to have to learn to accept some things. All of the little people that I want to see grow up...I'm just going to have to see in pictures. I need to give up the pull towards KS and wanting to see every stage. It's sad to me. My siblings and friends have these adorable little people who look like them and I want them to know me. I may have to just be someone who they know they can lean on...someone they can call later in life to get away from their own family. I wish I had that now. I want someone to visit who is all mine. It's selfish, I know. I'd love to have a friend who pointed me in the right direction in my life and told me to go! I'm still struggling with my true North. There is more to life than a clean apartment. There's more than paying your bills on time and being a good citizen. There's also more than having children. But...what is it??

In my dream world, it's in the traveling, the writing, the painting, the arts, the music and the love (sex). I want to take my picture, put it into Picasa and saturate myself with color. That's how I want to feel. Saturated.

I keep writing as a someone who is searching for something.

If only I could just click my heels.

I'm laying on our bed reading Carrie Fisher's book while Legends of the Fall plays on Oxygen. Both tales of women who lived lives of extreme pain. (Of course, one is fiction.)

I can see outside...it's dark, rainy and windy. Just up the hill ,there is a lit Christmas tree. I can see the lights changing colors from red, to blue to green. It's comforting.

I'm still struggling a bit with the idea of my flight. I thought I'd gotten over it, but today I've been anxiety stricken- thinking about it all day. I bring it on myself. I'm perfectly aware of that. I keep staring out the window at those lights...just wanting to be home with family-knowing I have a long trip to get there. I keep thinking about being in my house...hugging my mom...getting little hugs and kisses from Kendra, Derek and Mac. It'll be fine. There are so many I'm seeing...so much to look forward to. I'm angry that I'm not more excited...but spend my time being petrified.

Over the weekend we drove to Skaneateles to see their Dicken's Christmas. The town dresses in Dicken's costumes and wander the little town carolling. It's fun to see. It was freezing out...I didn't bring my heavy coat, believing the weatherman who told me it would be 50 degrees. When that wind hit us...I bet it was below freezing. Jason gave me his coat being the gentleman that he is. We spent the day trying to get pictures all over town, but ended up getting too cold. We ducked into coffee shops and bookstores to get warm again. I bought an ornament and a snow globe to remember the day.

It seems like the days are so short. Even though I fill it with housework and reading (and napping)...it gets dark sooner than I would like it. Time is going so quickly. I'm not sure why I want it to slow down...but I do. It's a precious thing...it bothers me to spend so long in doors, not busy and waiting. (Not sure what I'm waiting for)

Jason just came in and closed the blinds so that people outside couldn't see me. I should have asked him to leave them open. Maybe the tree could see me...and wished it was out of the cold.

But as long as you love me so...

I feel like every year around Christmas time I try so hard to capture the feelings I had when I was a child. It wasn't the presents I remember...but I remember the feeling I had in our house. Although I had many great Christmases post divorce...the pre-divorce Christmases are very vivid to me still. I was 6 and under. I loved having all the family in one place. Remembering my grandparents carries that feeling for me as well. Just thinking of them makes me feel homesick. To grandparents, you're perfect. It's such a great, unconditional love. It's really not the same now that they are gone. Looking at old pictures where they are all together (even when I hadn't been born yet) is like seeing pictures of movie stars. There's something about them...and the fact that they were all together. (This is probably lost on those who are used to their grandparents all being together--I didn't know that after age 7.)

I have no idea how many times the entire family was able to gather (could I be imagining that it actually happened?), but what a great feeling to have everyone that made up your world under the same roof. I don't remember fighting or anything like that. Everyone seemed to adore each other. They were all funny and smart and smiling. (Remember, this is through the eyes of a child.)

I remember the feeling of it all. Watching old movies can bring it back as well. Something in the technicolors...the same ones that are in the old pictures we have in albums. The house was full of laughter, lights and cookies! Whenever you walked into a room, people were so happy to see you. Every thing you did was funny and fantastic. And you were surrounded by people who just wanted you to be happy...and spoiled. The house never looked better with all of the lights and all of the people filling it. Every decoration held a memory. Records played Barbra Streisand and John Denver. And you didn't have school to boot! I know I am putting a big gold ribbon around the memories and am making them more magical than they were. (I'm great at that!!) Yet, it is magical for kids. I am very aware that the kids I'm around this year will remember this time. They will remember not what you get them, but how you made them feel. (Though, they won't realize that until they are older.)

I miss so many people around this time of year. I've been loved a lot in my life. I can't wait to be around it all again. Having Jason with me...making these memories...it's what it's about to me. Someday, it may be about more, but now...I'm content. What I wouldn't give so that he could've met my grandparents. I feel very at ease with it all knowing they would've loved him.

We have a few weeks to go here, but I'm sitting in my apt thinking about it all...with my decorated tree glowing and the holiday music playing--trying desperately to soak in my memories so long I begin to get pruny. I hope my grandparents are all still together...looking down on all of us. I feel they are. I miss them so much I almost can't stand it.

I wish you all wonderful memories of togetherness and love. Hold those little ones close--be it your own children or your nieces and nephews...or the little ones of friends. They will remember how you loved them and you will burn yourself a place in their memories forever.

Let it snow.

Today's Headlines

I get up every morning and watch The Today Show. This morning I watched Carrie Fisher talk about her new book, "Wishful Drinking." She talked very openly about her life, etc. I might go get that book. She has such a sense of humor about things. I lose that sometimes and need to tap into that more. She seemed awfully manic however...which struck me a little. She talked about her bi-polar disorder and how she isn't ashamed of it. The more I think about it, I really think I was misdiagnosed. Or, maybe I was bi-polar, but it was induced by all of the medication. Now that I don't take anything...I feel fine. I'm not against medication, but taking 8 pills a day like I used to just isn't good for you. I shudder at that time of my life...and no one could tell me any differently. Yuck.

Jay Leno is going prime time. Hmmm...I wonder if Conan is pissed. He is leaving his chair there for Conan...what a guy. It seems so close to Rosie's new show! I wonder if she thinks the same thing. I haven't seen any commercials for her show...I wonder if it bombed?

A new sex survey for women says that most women feel their sexiest at age 34. I feel that by next year, I'll feel sexier...but at 33, I have a little bit to go. In our 20s...women avg sex 10.4 times a month and in our 30s, we avg. sex 4.4 times a month. What is the .4? (I would say that statistic is accurate pretty much...at least for me.)

I emailed Dustin today about The Oscar's. They will be held on Feb. 22nd. Since we've been friends, we've only spent 1 Oscar's away from each other. (I was laid up in the hospital and didn't stay awake past the opening remarks--who could blame him??) I'm hoping we'll spend this year together. I'd love it if he flew here. Though we're further from the actual ceremony, we'd be closer to NYC...for whatever that's worth. I haven't seen many films I feel will be nominated, but they'll be coming out starting this weekend! I need something to do today and wondered if I should go see Twilight (don't judge) ...but will save the $$ for MILK.

It's snowing here. It's so nice when you don't have to go anywhere. Jason leaves tonight for Albany. I hate that. He seems like he goes and goes and goes. I'm looking forward to the holiday...just to make him sit in an chair all day and eat food...maybe drifting into sleep--that will be a great sight. (He can join my dad who will be turning off his hearing aid and sleeping to escape all of the screaming grand kids.)

Will I make it to the gym today?? I've gone every day since Saturday. It's been great. My mood has really improved. It's great to get out of the apt and feel that I have something to do. But, today, as I look out into the snow...it may be a day that I spend with Barbra and Robert. Watching The Way We Were reminds me of my mom...and I'm homesick today.

maybe i'll write more later.

Vampires are hot.

The weekend was a nice one. Jason came home from CA on Friday morning--the red eye and then proceeded to sleep until 3:30. I flew the red eye once from San Fran to Chicago a few years ago and man, it destroyed me for the day. I suppose had I flown there on it, I would've fared better, but knowing I was flying back to work--I was a bit of a brat to my companion. Saturday, we got out and went to the YMCA. It's huge! It's surrounded by trees and is a really nice facility. I finally decided I needed somewhere to go each day. Why not get healthy while I'm not doing anything else. heheh. Plus, I thought it would help my mood. The serotonin levels needed a boost.

We also finally made it to a movie--after I pried Jason away from a football game. We went to see Australia. Jason had some issues with it. He had no idea it was a Baz Luhrmann film and felt it was a little predictable and larger than life. Ummm...of course it is. It's really beautiful, very romantic (unrealistically so) and a bit of a throw back to old Hollywood movies. It took place in 1939--and it might have been a bigger hit had it released back then as well. Yet, Hugh Jackman wouldn't have been in it and that would've been a shame. Baz must be infatuated with him...his shots of Hugh were so amazing, it was laughable. He is too gorgeous, it nuts.

Kendra called over the weekend to say she'd just watched Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she loved it. I have to giggle thinking of Kortney, Toni and I watching it with newspapers over our heads and singing all the songs in 8th grade. Too funny. She also saw Twilight and freaked out about it. I haven't seen it, but recommended The Lost Boys for her vamp fix. She'd never heard of it...how great is that?!! I thought Wendy would have it, but I may have stolen the VHS years ago. So! It's Vamp gifts for Kendra this year! The Lost Boys and Interview with the Vampire. How fun! Gosh, I had such a crush on Jason Patrick and Keifer Sutherland in that movie. Wow...

Control- not just a great Janet Jackson album.

I'm writing without a thing to say. Today is moving very slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until after 10. I did have 2 conversations already, however. So, it wasn't a total sloth move. I've now showered and fixed myself a very strong cup of coffee. I unloaded the dishwasher and got a guilt trip from Meryl that I hadn't made the bed yet. I'll do that when I'm done. She is very judgemental. "Messy bed, messy life." What a little bitch she is. (She's my cat...)

So, I'm just going to write about this because it's been on my mind and why not throw it out to the universe. I've developed a fear of flying recently. I've flown just fine for years, now it's back. I had a very nervous flight this past summer and it seems to have had quite an affect. I have anxiety about getting anxiety, more than fearing the flight itself. I'm not afraid of dying at all. I don't feel the plane will crash. I just don't like the small space and not being able to get up when I want to. The take off is my biggest issue. You have to stay seated and you can't listen to your ipod. I like to escape and the ipod helps me not think about being trapped in my seat. This all seems so ridiculous. Amanda feels it is a loss of control. Yeah, I don't have a lot of control in my life right now...and this is just the last straw! I did get an aisle seat though, so maybe that will help. There is a key to this, I know it. I've started talking to myself about it. (No worries, I'm not answering.) I give myself pep talks about it. I even listed out all the trips I've taken to show myself how many flights where I was just fine!

This sounds nuts. Let's talk about something else.

Yesterday I went to see Four Christmases to get out of the house. There were about 3 sets of older couples and myself. I'm not sure if it was just because I was starved for entertainment, but I laughed a lot. There were a few scenes that had me howling. But, there were also some scenes that went on way too long. I love Vince. He just keeps getting larger it seems, but he's so adorable and has great comedic timing. I thought Reese was fine. She seemed to keep up, but he was definitely leading the way. You can wait for the dvd release, but if you're bored, go see it. If you go in with low expectations, I think you'll be fine. (man, that's a glowing review.)

I really want to go see Australia, but I know Jason wants to see it, so I have to wait. Hugh Jackman is just delicious. I think I could get through a plane ride if maybe he was on one side and Harry Connick Jr. was on the other. They both could take turns singing to me. I do enjoy a man that sings. (This does not include Kevin Bacon--The Bacon Brothers are painful to listen to-they were on Regis and Kelly this morning.)

Today's Goals-

-make the bed
-fold and put away laundry
-figure out where to put the 3 boxes in the kitchen.
-maybe join the YMCA? I need to get out and go somewhere.
-Figure out creative and inexpensive xmas gifts for family. (I'm really thinking of taking a page out of Oprah's book and doing MY favorite things!--just fun and useful stocking stuffers.)
-EXERCISE!!! (this should really help my mood.)
-make myself go grocery shopping. It'd be nice if J came home to food in the house.

I'll be honest in what I get done and let you know.

The Sponge

I'm watching Iconoclasts. This episode is with Stella McCartney + Ed Ruscha. Very cool. I'm tired of being boring. Watching this is so inspiring. I've been so tired lately. Dragging around the weight of unemployment is getting me a bit down. Everyone says to relish in it...take this time to do things for yourself. Thing is, it's just a hard time to really focus on much. I have a hard time with it. Focus, I mean. I told Jason that when I was younger, I felt it was easier on my psyche to not do my best at things so that there was always a rational for the mediocrity. I was mediocre in school, in sports and in writing. I have always been to afraid to give anything my all. That needs to change. It's difficult to always have the woman you want to be in your head and not in reality. I morph to things. I constantly find inspiration in movies and in my friends to somehow create the perfect me. And when I'm alone at night, the awful truth is...I've created a mediocre existence. (Am I a bit depressed tonight? It's possible.) What will I finally find will be worth giving 110%? Children. I feel like I'm waiting on my best self...my mom self. It is always a possibility that that may never happen. I can't wait. I've paused the show. I was driven write a little blog about my non-ambition. I'm not a career person. I'm creative, but don't create. I'm a people person who keeps moving away from anyone she knows. I constantly crave space to grow...but I'm stagnant.

I love to sit and watch others' lives. The movies--that's what that's all about. I observe. I don't do. I change geography because it's the only thing I can control and others can see. See!! I'm interesting! I move to interesting new places! I MUST be interesting!!

I constantly see people I want to be friends with. I want to be friends with Stella McCartney. I've always wanted to surround myself with fascinating people. They are addicting to me. I guess I feel like something will rub off...or that people will wonder if I'm just as cool.

I need to think.


Note added the next day: Wow. Maybe a little hard on myself here. I shouldn't write when I'm so tired. I always seem to get a bit down on myself late at night...esp if Jason isn't here. Today, I decorated the tree and the apt to inject the holiday spirit into my veins. I do feel better. Time to take stock in what all I have to be thankful for.

No more green straws...

I've been hooked on the Starbuck's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate this season. I can't keep getting it--it's ridiculous. I have such an addictive personality! So, I made a deal with myself. No more Starbuck's until I get a job. What a satisfying drink that will be!! Besides, it's just too much money right now. I realize that I am aiding in the closing of so many Starbuck's--but I'm standing strong. I just got some coffee at Dunkin Donuts this afternoon. It was just over a buck. I'm saving $3 every time I get that instead. That's...umm...around $700 a year I'm saving drinking Dunkin.

This is a short entry, I'm about to take Jason to the airport. He'll be in California until Thursday night. I'm going to decorate the apt and get into the festive spirit!

I'll leave you with a quote from Jason's grandma Stella (which triggered my Starbuck's boycott)--

"It's not what you make, it's what you save." So true!! I've seen so many make a ton of cash, but blow it all with nothing to show for it. She is a GREAT penny pincher and is now living just fine on the money she's saved her entire life.

Plagued with comma splices, I apologize, really.

I started to blog tonight and then I erased all of it. It was depressing. OK, we know I don't have a job--no need to talk about it anymore. I did apply to a few jobs today, we'll see. I also went to the DMV and got a driver's license. In NY, they send it to you in the mail. I practiced my smile in the mirror on the way over (yes, I did...). Then I'm ready for the picture and FLASH--I was completely blinded. The lady showed me three pictures to choose from. (damn, I ended with a preposition.) The flash bulb botch was in the line of sight of my face, so I just chose the last one, it could be awful, I just couldn't tell you. I could see the flash for about 10 mins. I also registered to vote and donated my organs. (Jason's not thrilled with organ donation...he has movie-like situations in his head where they put me out to save 3 people.) I really felt for the lady helping me. She was really emotional because just before she served me, she'd waited on the grandson of a former employee who she'd worked with for 10 years. Her friend had died suddenly of a heart attack last year. She was very teary eyed and told me the whole story of how no one was allowed to take off for the funeral and how horrible she still felt about it. I just stood there and listened. She was obviously needing to talk about it. It's hard to lose someone suddenly. Her friend had passed away in 2000 and she still wasn't over it.

Tonight, I'm ashamed to admit I'm watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Jason loves this show. I literally almost become violent after watching it. The state of the world today...man, I could really go into this, but I can't. Jason likes guilty pleasures and who am I to talk? I'm hooked on Gossip Girl of all shows! It's not much different...just fiction. I usually dig the shows about high school or college. (well, I HATE The Hills...90210...One Tree Hill...) OK, I guess I only liked Dawson's, Felicity and now Gossip Girl. I'd need a little more therapy to really tap into my obsession with those shows. I'll just accept it for it is for now.

I have a young friend on Facebook and I find it so fun to look at the pics of her with all of her friends. They seem to be so fun and intelligent. I grew up in such a small town. Wow, we just really didn't have much to do. It makes me smile to see her having fun. She's grown up into such a beautiful girl...so smart and witty. I'm excited to know her when she turns 30, though I miss the times when she was small enough to sit on my lap. Just looking at her pictures reminds me of so many things. Is it a sign of age that I agree with the saying, "youth is wasted on the young"? George was on to something. I noticed new wrinkles under my eyes today, my hip reminded me it wasn't real and started to wonder about my taste in clothes. To top it all off, I lied about my weight on my license. I don't care.

OK, I'm rambling.

All the ladies in the house, I'm callin' out to ya...

I miss my girlfriends today. All of them. I think it's due to me watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... Ok, so yeah, I have the time to watch random movies. I actually really enjoyed it! It was the sequel, so I was a bit clueless to the original storyline, but the relationships between the girls was enough to keep me entertained. I love women. I love how complicated they are...how they are with their friends...how wise and funny...and how strong they are. As I get older, the girls I've known since grade school/jr high (there are 5 of us that keep in touch) amaze me at the grace in which they're aging. We've all had such turmoil in our lives. Such hardships and such happiness they've all been through. We all struggle with the same things and rejoice in the same things. The greatest strengths in my life has come from knowing them. But not just them...women I've met throughout my life--St. John, Lawrence, Cincinnati, Chicago, Cleveland... I've surrounded myself with a very unique, strong and wise tribe. I've always found women more interesting for some reason. Not that I don't find men amazing as well, but few really blow me out of the water. (I married one that does.) I think it all started with growing up with my mom, her best friend and my sister. That was my network as a kid...they were my foundation. Lessons in love, friendship, ironing, cleaning, boys, self respect, sex, bravery and comedy all came from the women in my life. Women can be caddy...and we can be so much more judgemental of other women than with men. But when you come into contact with a strong girlfriend...one that won't let you get away with anything...one that will cuss out any guy who hurts you...one that will let you cry for days with her...one that makes you laugh through your tears--THAT is a treasure.

I'm emotional today ladies...love you all. I'd love to have a girl's weekend when we invite all of our girlfriends and they invite their girlfriends and we all meet and some resort together--finally meeting our friends' friends. What a great time that would be.

Enjoy each other...

I feel like I just watched Beaches.