A Dark Knight

We went to see it last night. I was jumpy and nervous. Every time anyone stood up, I was on guard. Every time guns went off, I scanned the audience. It was hard to enjoy the movie because I was so distracted by the shootings in Colorado. Jason said he didn't think of them at all--but Kendra and Mom were also aware as they also checked out each person that got up and walked out for whatever reason. The move was very dark. It's violent. It's depressing and very Mad Max-ish to me. Bleak. I enjoyed the last movie so much more. Maybe it was because I couldn't relax. That's possible. I'll have to take a second look.

I recommend going to see it in IMAX--and maybe during the day if you're skiddish. Maybe that would help me, too. Seeing young kids in there was disturbing to me. It is NOT for kids. It's way too dark and disturbing for that.

Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's a great story. I didn't get bored at all. Bane was slightly uninteresting and evil. But it was exciting and surprising. Anne Hathaway was great. Bale was Bale. The movie itself was the main character--if that makes any sense. I think I need another go at it.

therapy.

warning. this is a therapy blog session.

i haven't found (or even looked) for a new therapist in new york. i was so fond of my chicago one--it seems as if i'd be cheating. plus...it's hard to start over again.

having my family here is nice. watching kendra struggle with teen woes isn't. i see mysel so much in her that it's horribly frustrating. (me at that age, rather) there is so much to learn about dealing with people and dealing with ourselves. i struggle every day. i get overwhelmed with expectations of myself--of my life...what it is suppose to look like and feel like. it's hard to be at peace with it all. it's hard to feel as if you're being the best you can be. i fail most of the time. i'm quick to judge. i'm nosey. i'm easily frustrated. i'm easily fatigued. i'm always feeling as if i'm failing as a mom, friend, wife, daughter, aunt, sister. (that's a lot to fail at.) my brain won't turn off. jason came to bed and unloaded his brain into mine at 1am...and then i was awake for hours unable to shut off. i obsessed from one thing to another. why my family is messed up. why his family is messed up. why we are messed up.

i'm cleaning today for therapy. trying to create the scene of a put together person. "look...everything is in order...i'm so organized and figured out."

right.

I need to read something...or get more sleep. I need something else to do with my brain.

too complicated.

It's been a long time.
I've been busy...and on vacation. We're back now. My mom and niece are here. I'm still recovering from our Lake Placid trip. Still putting away things. Still sleepy. I think it's being pg more than anything. I'm a little cranky and a lot annoying myself. My body just won't do what I need it to do. I get tired doing a little chore and then feel like I need to lie down.

The weather is slightly hot, but I won't complain. We are cooler than most of the U.S. It's going to be 90 today. Other parts are in the 100s. No thanks. We stay inside in the AC...and I find a million things I'd like to do and then look at the couch longingly.

Could I complain more?

Lake Placid was lovely. Our place was very nice and our company was fantastic. Spending time with friends in a beautiful place...I couldn't have asked for more. I need to post some of the pics and send them to everyone.

Here's one of all of us in the boat:

 Fun, eh??


As I mentioned before, Kendra, my niece is here. She is doing a drama camp for 3 weeks. Spending time with a 17 yr old is challenging. The boys, the drama, the total distraction. She is struggling through it all. I was a disaster at 17--totally immature and had no clue about life. Now to be faced with that again is pay back. I've introduced her to Felicity and we are watching episodes each night with my mom. They really like it--of course!! I'm hoping it will enlighten K about complications in youth. However, it is just a tv show. (and a dated one at that.) Felicity didn't have a cell phone. This is a BIG difference. She didn't have FB...another problem. Gosh...life used to be a lot more simple.

Nora

Nora Ephron died yesterday and I am so shocked and saddened. When Harry Met Sally is one of my all time favorite movies. It keeps me company when I am lonely. It cheers me up when I am sad. I put it on when I want to spend time with friends--Harry and Sally.

I read her books and love her movies. She was fantastic. I feel like a friend passed away.

Barf.

The pg hormones are getting the best of me today. I feel a bit off kilter. I want to cry. I'm horribly frustrated about many things. It's a day where I should be sent to an island away from other people. The world would be a better place if there was that type of option. If you're having a bad day and you know it...you could choose to leave and not spill over into the happy people.

I'm betting this feeling will go away in an hour or so. Former bi-polar-ness helps with the diagnosis.

My niece is "dating" someone. ugh. I'm not ready for this time of life. She is 17 and boy crazy. The boy she picked is...nice in the Kansas sense of the word. He's religious, he's republican, he's a bit full of himself. He is older by 2 years and in college. College people should date college people. Leave the HS girls alone. (Could I sound more closed minded???) My first love was 4 years older...I'm a total hypocrite and I don't care. There is a world of difference between college and HS. I just don't want her to get serious. (Like I did) I want her to date for fun. He said to me, "I don't date for fun...I only date if I can see a possible future with that person." I think he thinks that adults want to hear this stuff. I wanted to barf. SERIOUSLY?? At 19?? Geesh people. Have some fun. Kiss some people and keep it relaxed. This is the Kansas way as well. Too serious...too soon. Everyone wants to get married in their early twenties--or at 20. UGH.

See, I'm not in a good mood. I don't like boys. I don't like messes today. I don't like hormones. I'm not real fond of myself today.

Thursday...

HOT.

Z and I are headed next door to the pool in about 15 mins. I'm thrilled for the pool day--but the only suit I have is the one I got for my honeymoon. Least to say it doesn't fit. I looked like a stuffed sausage! I have a cover up I don't plan on taking off. My new one is suppose to arrive today. COME ON FED EX!!!

Z looks adorable in her suit. Geesh. I miss the younger years of the lake and the pool when I lived in my swimming suit and flip flops. I was a fish...a tan one. I miss skiing and camping and campfires and tents. (I miss being young and not worrying about cellulite.)

I'm thinking about taking another writing course. My playwriting course got sidetracked by early pregnancy sickness. I'd take a class about writing about your life. It looks so therapeutic. It's probably a class full of bleeding hearts, but oh well. It's a way of getting some cheaper therapy.

I spent some time this morning sweeping the front steps. Our bat continues to shat all over. It's gross. I like the idea of it finding shelter here...just wished it was a bit more tidy.

cabin fever

It is hotter than hell out. Not as hot as it can be in Kansas...but for Rochester, it's hot. It hit 100 on my thermometer. We're headed to the neighbors to swim in the morning. If you can, you should always move next door to someone with a pool--that way you don't have to do anything with it, but then you can be invited to pool parties.

I should get preggo swim suit tomorrow. I am going to get sun this summer. I may be a whale, but I am sick of being white. I did buy 70 SPF though today.

Father's day was nice. We went to the beach for the day. I sat in a chair and was deadbeat mommy while they played. (Bitch session--) My back is killing me and I'm exhausted and I'm big. Ok, that's enough. October seems a long time away.

I want someone to come dye my hair and give me a mani pedi. I'd also like teeth whitening and a massage. Is this too much to ask?

Our trip to Lake Placid is very soon. I'm clinging to it. I love it there. It is beautiful. I just want some new scenery soon.

A margarita would be heavenly.

Well, after two housebound days, I got Z out yesterday to an indoor playground. We'd never been there before. She LOVED it. She's totally unaware of her age or size and plays on everything the big kids do. Even if the step is up to her chest, she spends the time (about 15 minutes) to figure out how to get up and go. After she mastered the technique, she was everywhere in that place. She is not afraid of anything and does not look to me for help. She is so independent--more than I am.

Today we have Little Gym. It forces me to get out. I'm really not such a home body all of the time. But pregnancy is bringing out all my blueness. I keep complaining on here thinking it will all bleed out.

It is gorgeous out. Sunny--high of 70. I cleaned up the upstairs and vacuumed. Nicole, our nanny, is coming today for a couple of hours. I  have errands to do and Z is VERY happy about it. I always liked my babysitters as a kid. I hid from them right off the bat and they found me when they came in. I still remember that.

I am ready for guests and family members. I think they will take my mind off of myself. I tend to get horribly self centered. I am going to reach out to the two moms that gave me their info today though. I will!! I would like someone to go to the beach with.

Whining a bit.

Today I miss having a desk job. I'm not so great at the stay at home mommy thing. Z will soon go to a preschool 2 days a week and I feel she will thrive there. I'm looking forward to the baby. I'm wondering if my pregnancy is part of the problem--the sickness, the fatigue, the blahness. I make sure I am extra sweet to Z--but I should also probably try to work on activities for her and such. I'm a home body right now. I have no energy.  My other thought is that I need to network more. I've had two moms give me their number so we can hang out and I haven't done anything about it. I'm like a bad date. I should rally. I should get more friends. I should stop being such a loner.

The rain is pouring down today. Yesterday, it was sunny and hot. I actually got some sun! I ordered a couple of swim suits for my rounding body yesterday. We'll see if that gets me going to the pool. Am I depressed? I don't feel it....not really. Hmmm. Is this just the hormones?

I think I'll clean and check back later. I'm not feeling a 100% fun.

ok, I'm back (5 mins later)
I think a good idea for me is that I need to have more of a structured day. I need to plan it out...say, 9-9:30 work on letters, have a set time for reading books, have a set time for coloring, etc. Set it up like a work day. Maybe that would help me stay on task. I could have a set time when I clean and a set time when I work with Z on things.

Am I over thinking this???

Is the art of conversation lost?

We are all too busy. It's my thought of the week. Maybe we always have been? It was topped off by Jason rushing out the door this morning for a week in San Fran and didn't have time to say goodbye. He's apologized many times over the phone and text since...but it did hurt my feelings. Of course, he also had a major conversation with his sister over text yesterday when I felt it should be over the phone. I am not upset with him...but the world in which we live now allows those who are uncomfortable with certain conversations to text and not have to deal. Jason cuts himself off from the world at times--as we all do. I dive into a book or a movie and don't come up for air sometimes. We escape into what's comfortable for us. But, before TV and computers and cell phones...didn't people HAVE to talk to one another? They wrote letters, talked on the phone or just went to see that person. High Schoolers text--they don't talk. It's so odd to me. My friendships are based on LOTS of talking and note passing. I memorized their handwriting. It was a part of them. I memorized their phone numbers. I still have them memorized. Does anyone know anyones phone number anymore?

We are getting away from it all. And it's only going to get worse. I've thought about disconnecting from FB. I haven't decided. I'm just hormonal and thinking very deeply into everything.

I got an email today from one of my dearest friends who I haven't spoken to in months. It was nice to hear she was thinking of me...but I was still upset that we hadn't talked. Is this just a busy time of our lives--the child bearing years? I'm not sure. It just makes me sad.

we are all too damn busy

Cell phones and FB are convenient, yes--but they are taking away the meat of my friendships. It's my fault I let them. It's a fake closeness. No one TALKS on the phone anymore, they just text. No one sends letters much anymore...they send a message on FB. I think it's a great way for a mass announcement or mass support. But--for one on one, it sucks.

I miss my friends. I miss talking to them. I miss when life was less busy and we were able to just sit and talk for long periods of time. I'm just emotional and irritated. Some of my good friends I haven't heard from in such a long time...ARE WE REALLY THAT DAMN BUSY???!! life is too short. make an effort.

Let the sun shine in

There are days when we are not our best selves. But, fortunately, I have Z who holds up a mirror. I was cranky and awful this morning--horribly tired and nauseous. But, she is resilient and told me it was ok. She laughed, "wow mom...you really are tired." She found it funny and I felt foolish.

The sun burst through today after days of gray. I needed it.

Sometimes I become so focused on myself and how I'm feeling, I forget the hell others go through. My friend just lost both her parents in a car accident this past weekend and SHE is really going through something awful. I need to remember that I'm going to get through whatever crap I'm feeling--but my little family is doing well.

And the sun is shining.

Just heard some horribly sad news.

Some have too much sadness and shock in their lives. It's just inconceivable.
Love those around you the best you can.

Evergreen

Rain again today. It rained all weekend as well. We focused on our in-door jobs and got some things accomplished. Our closet is now somewhat organized. It's been a disaster for months. Just awful. I was pretty out of it yesterday. Woke up sick and it never quite went away. Saturday I wasn't sick at all. Finicky baby.

Been talking to some friends with lots of changes going on in their lives. Our life seems somewhat slow out here. I'll take it. I feel as if I'm sometimes in the audience watching others' lives roll out. I watch their ups and downs. I think about them. I cry for them. I think about how much was going on with them in the past years when I was checked out. Today is a day for reaching out. There are a couple of friends that have a hard time ever contacting me. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've had this role. Some I've let go. Some I refuse to let go.

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. We got married on a cruise ship somewhere near the Bahamas. Weird. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy the day more instead of freaking out so much. We need to go do it again someday. Our day/week is busy, so I'll write him a letter and we'll celebrate when we have time. I'm fine with that.

Yesterday, I found a box of old emails and such. They were all from 1998-99. I actually printed a TON out from different people and put them into a 3 ring binder. Reading them was sort of surreal. It was good to see how creative I was--and reminded me that I need to do more creative writing. It was nice to see that most of the people (all except for 1), I'm still in constant contact with. I was 23. A romantic and idealist and very emotional. Not a lot has changed. Z will get a kick out of reading them one day. I have a feeling she will be more mature than I was then. (it wouldn't be hard) But, I had good friends and had lots of good times. My life is a full one.

Whistling...

Well, today is better. It always is. And the pm of yesterday was much better than the am. My mood swings seem to keep things interesting. The cool winds and gray skies are somewhat relaxing really. I'm feeling ok and ready to work. Already threw away some toys of Z's that were in need of pitching. She didn't notice. I'd love to throw away most of them...but I won't. I'm going to start clearing out the play room and figure out a way to make it into a bedroom for the two kids. I'm going to have them share a room. I've polled most of my friends and the consensus is that the kids like it. I'm looking forward to it. We need to get Z back into her own bed. She's been sleeping with us for about 3 months now. I don't mind...but she'll be better off in her own bed.

The rain is going to wash away our weekend. Maybe it will allow us to get some indoor jobs done. (While our outside grows and grows)

Alright, back to work while I still want to do it.

Second Year Blues

This poem is from my friend, Ronda. It deals with a great loss she had last year...

I've got the 
second year blues
What I've heard about 
missing you is true 
The first year 
the news hit low
I missed you so
I almost went 
out of my head
But the children 
needed to be fed
I managed to pay bills
made the bed
we once slept 
in together 
This second year 
is like no other 
Reality of life 
without your voice
words to guide, direct 
leave me lost
Mourning you 
with tears, poetry
I say words to 
you in my head 
I miss your smile 
and touch so much
This second year 
I run frantic 
panic with the 
loss of you
What shall I do 
this entire 
year without you--Ronda Miller, Lawrence, Kansas

A bad morning does not mean there has to be a bad afternoon.

That is my mantra today. My hormones are all over the place. I'm exhausted and horribly cranky and totally annoyed with myself. Everything seems out of control. It's a good day to be a hermit and fix yourself. No one needs to be around negativity.

I need to meditate. I need to get over myself.

CTFO

I'm a bit high strung. I need to relax. To me it seems that you don't need alcohol quite as much as during pregnancy. Oh well. My hormones are all over the place. My thoughts are either lost or everywhere. I am anxious/hyper or exhausted and past out.

The landscapers came today. They were suppose to be here yesterday, but things happen. They went to Melissa's  yard and started setting up shop--I had to go get them to move to our yard. That would have been a disaster. Her yard already looks perfect...wonder what they would've done exactly. Our yard (after 2 hours) is starting to take shape again. I'm sure they were like, "uh...do you guys do ANYTHING??!" Uh, no. We don't. Thanks. That's why you are here.

It's a day to try to stop being annoyed at everything and everyone. It doesn't help a thing. I'm listening to a jazz station to try to chill my shit out. What a bad example I am.

weeds

We had the deck roof taken off today. It was rotted and full of bugs...something right out of a horror movie. Now our deck looks so much bigger and a lot sunnier. You can see so much more of the trees. I dig it. The landscapers are coming today as well. Along with the horror movie theme--our yard. The trees are overgrown, the weeds out of control. We mow, but that's about all we do. I have a new found respect for great landscaped yards. They take a lot of work.

Wouldn't it be great to have something like that done with our psyches? I suppose some would say shock treatment is the same. I don't want to remove it all--just my bad habits, bad memories and occasional pessimism. 

time to get out.

This morning Z and I are headed to Wickham farms for Tales and Tails. They read a story and then bring out an animal for the kids to pet. It's still a bit chilly, but it's suppose to be a warmer day. I'm ready. I flourish in warm weather--much like a tomato. :)

The week has been low key. We are planning our trip to Chicago--trying to figure out each day without over planning and being miserable trying to stick to a schedule. It's our 5 yr anniversary. It is definitely an interesting thing--marriage. You learn a lot more about yourself than you think. I thought marriage was about being with someone else...focusing on them...building your life side by side. For me it's been about learning about us as individuals. We're partners in life...helping each other through it instead of googling over each other like it is in dating. You see how each of you struggle and how you make it through. It's a great lesson in being human. Before, I was pretty focused on myself--now, I am almost taking a Master's class in someone else's journey. It can be cool to watch--and easier on you if you think of it that way. The first year was the hardest for me. I never realized how much I though only of myself--it was hard to include someone else in my plans. Even when I dated...I had MUCH more alone time. Now, going to Kansas without him is somewhat a relief for me. "Oh yeah...I know how to do this!" It's nice for him to come for a while and then leave. (awful??) I just like to have one on one with my friends--it's hard to have good convos with too many people about.

Chicago will be nice. Z will stay in Cleveland and we can focus on each other...and eating. Chicago has such great food. We're staying at The Drake--we like the vibe there. It's old school. We've stayed there once before and I felt like my grandparents would turn the corner at any minute as young people. It was like we were back in time. So cool.

Okay, time to be an exemplary mom and take my child out into the chilly morning to see farm animals with all of the other happy, smiley, annoying mothers!


Sidenote: Jason spent his new watch/road bike budge on Facebook stock this morning. I'll let you know if we become millionaires. We've made $100 so far.