All Work and No Play Makes me...well, boring.

Today started off with a very moody me, but ended a little better. My body aches from starting back to the gym. I thought I'd be a little stronger than I am. I do lift 16 lbs all of the time. Guess not. Wow. Z goes to the little daycare there as I try to huff and puff myself into looking decent. Kortney's wedding is just a few short weeks away and I'd like to not scare people with my wing-like arms. I'm also about as white as you can get for being the end of August. I'm hoping pale is in.

I'm again blogging without a thought in my head. I do it so I can check it off of my productivity list. I'm having an issue with making sure I'm productive each day. Am I really this boring? I am. Being overwhelmed by house chores and always thinking about how I could hang my pots in my kitchen is starting to make me wonder if I've become my greatest nightmare. I'm going to be one of those women who sit in a group of other interesting people and have nothing to offer to the conversation. Shit. I've been REALLY avoiding the mommy group thing, but now I may have to do it so that I at least keep up my social graces. I did meet a woman at the Barnes and Noble story time on Monday. I need to email her. We've been here for almost two years and I'm pretty short of female friends.

I plan on overdosing on laughter and hugs when I go to Kansas. Dustin is meeting me at the airport and is my date for the wedding. No baby, just me. Will I even know what to talk about??

I'll get used to this. I only have on baby for heaven's sake. All of my friends have multiples. Geesh. Is the first year always the adjustment period? Maybe when she can walk, or when she and I can have conversations, or when we can go on outings or bake together. Don't get me wrong, please. I love her. I think she's the cutest damn thing ever. But I constantly think about what she'll think of me. I have WAYYYY TOO much time to think about this shit.

This post irritates me, but it's true.

So, does every stay at home mom go through the need to find any possible way to create? I feel like I'm pulled in many directions to feel unique again. Z figured out that we are two people and she is now on her way to creating her inner self. Me, on the other hand...I need to start doing the same. At 35, I still feel as if I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Given my desire to always be someone else, I found another person cooler than me (happens daily) as I was surfing blogs. SO creative. SO cool...and her little house is full of the most unique ways of expressing who she is and who her family is. I'm going a little nuts here. I look around and want to change everything in my house, my wardrobe, my hair. I'm exhausted thinking about it all. I keep trying to tell myself that it all takes YEARS to acquire these types of things. It's not about money to me. It's about having someone walk into my home and see "us" in it. Jason doesn't share this feeling. He's too busy with work. Yes, I'm busy with Z, but my mind is always racing around. How can I make this place the best place for Z to be? How can I make it so that I LOVE to be here. What would make people feel immediately welcome and at ease. Am I turning into Martha Stewart/Mrs. Cleaver/Mrs. Insecure??

I watched One True Thing recently. I find myself having a very paradoxical experience. Meryl Streep's character in that movie seems to be someone I'd really want to be. But, growing up, Madonna was also someone I wanted to be. She was tough and in charge and demanding and creative and driven and bitchy. hmmmm. It's like I want to be the sweetest, most creative, nurturing and thoughtful person I can be. Then--I worry. What about making sure you're not watered down or bland? I'm struggling so much with my own personality. Why is this??? I've always struggled with it. I've always wanted to be anyone besides myself. I need to find a voice. I've obviously neglected to do that during my aging process. I need to find a center, my authentic self. I'm getting lost in here.

Top 10 thoughts of my week...

I do think about other things than my daily duties. When I blog, these things tend to slip away and I ended up writing about whatever. Then, slowly, the thoughts creep back in and keep me from sleeping. So...I wrote them down.

Here are the Top Ten thoughts that kept my mind busy this week--in no particular order.

1.

5 years since Katrina. I remember watching the footage in my Chicago apt and crying. I didn't know what was going on until the damage was done. I worked downtown and never watched the news. I finally turned on the tv and saw the devastation and couldn't believe it. My step-mom went down to help with those in Misssissippi...and I was jealous. I remember having the feeling of wanting to drop everything and go. Seeing the Super Dome and the craziness. I had been to New Orleans years before...it was surreal to see it under water. All of the people just floating in the streets. I still can't believe it.

2.

My husband. The fact that he left work at home and drove with me to DC last week to be with my family as we dealt with Harry's death is something I will always remember. He took care of Z while I wandered the hospital and tried to be supportive to my mother. As soon as I got the hospital, I went to Harry's room and held his hand for a long time. We had a day or so to say goodbye before the machines were turned off. Jason consoled the family and dealt with Z's every need.

3.

The Rachel Zoe Project. I caught the first couple of episodes of this season and loved diving into the fashion world. It's so glamorous and stressful. Rachel reminds me so much of an old friend and it's fun to pretend we're hanging out. (I know that sounds weird) I sit and think, "I could do this...I could be her assistant...if I had another me, I'd go do that." Running around NY, LA, Paris and London...yeah, I think I could.

4.

My poor cat and her poor bladder. This kept creeping in because I had to keep cleaning up after the poor girl.

5.

Little Miss Z. She is as needy as she's ever been and in fact we, again, caved in our attempts to get to sleep in her crib. She cried for over an hour and we were exhausted. Tonight is Friday though...and we'll work this weekend on making her stay. Ugh.

6.

My friend Lisa. I found out she's pg with her 5th child and I'm filled with...well, honestly, jealousy. I'm wanting to have another and the thought of her life in 25 years makes me filled with envy. How amazing. Their house will be FILLED to the brim at the holidays. I always think of The Family Stone. Fun times. (I'll admit, I probably won't be as envious for a while as I believe she'll have 3 in diapers at the same time.) I just learned this info last night by seeing pics on her website. I haven't even spoken to her yet. Yay Lisa. Love you.

7.

My mother. Her pain right now. Her ability to write a beautiful obit. I miss having her around the house. I know she misses us, too. She starts school this week. Her students are lucky to have her, but I'm ready for her to come back!

8.

Andy Warhol's Interview Magazine. I've been going through all of my old issues and reading old interviews. The photos are amazing. Having the interviews done by other well known talents is pretty cool. January Jones interviewed by Jack Nicholson, for example. My favorite was Gus Van Sant interviewing Tom Ford. This leads me into #9.

9.

Tom Ford. He is perfection. His film, "A Single Man" was beautiful and heartbreaking. Mom and I watched it when she was here. He is stylish, classy, gorgeous and has perfect taste. There are gorgeous scenes in that movie. I didn't know him in his Gucci days. Of course, it took a movie for me to notice. I'm so happy I did. (He's now in my closet as well.)


10.

Angelina Jolie. I hate this really, but I read an article about her in Vanity Fair. She annoys me, but I still have to read about her. Do I want to look like her? Sure. Do I want to have her life? Instead of mine, no, but I'd sure pop into it for a while. She, her hotty boyfriend, their 6 kids, living in Italy and shooting a movie with Johnny Depp. Uhh...yes, I want her life for a moment. She is my age. How is that fucking possible? I think we're weeks apart or something. That's amazing to me. I guess her mother was in love with Al Pacino for years. Huh.

Good Times, Bad Times, give me some of that...

Edie is singing. The sky is gray. It's going to rain soon. Z and I are home alone today. J is 3 hours away on business. The day has been slow. I've been obsessively vacuuming. I think I really have an issue here. Crumbs really bother me. This is because I have one child. Only one. Oh, and a cat...that tracks litter. THAT really drives me nuts. She's been ill and so I'm giving her a pass. She has bladder stones again so she is peeing bloody urine in front of her box. It's fantastic. She's on pain meds and is on a special diet. She's already had surgery for this issue. Hopefully, not again. So, yeah, lots of clean up is necessary. Meryl isn't so much of the social type. Her namesake is Meryl Streep...but they have nothing in common. It's too bad really. I always wanted a social and cuddly cat. What I have is a recluse who only really likes us, but mostly just Jason. Go figure.

Zoë is becoming very needy. I'm wondering if it has to do with all of the travel she's been doing. Lots of new places and she's starting to get leery of when we leave her. Every time I leave the room she freaks. Are we spoiling her? Quite possibly. A good example of bad parenting: she sleeps with us most nights. I know, I know. It's awful. She comes in around 4am- 6am and snuggles. Last night though...the "I want to be in your bed" cry started at midnight. Ugh. I need to get tough. It's going to suck. Thing is, she's adorable and sweet, but she kicks the shit out of me. She also pulls my hair to wake me up. It's not fun.

Also, the crawling is getting boring for her. Now all she does is stand. Constantly. Stand and yell and laugh and cry. She wears herself out, but she's going to have excellent thighs.

Ok, I think I've exhausted anything to write about and figured out that I have nothing of any interest today. I write just to do it. So, if I ever wondered about my tiny following, it's due to posts like these. My mind is more interesting, but when I sit down...the most lackluster thoughts come to mind. Let me see if I can find a picture in order to spice this one up a bit.



Here's a pic of Jolie and Depp filming their new movie in Italy. Depp and Italy...you really just can't get much better and I'm in such a better mood after seeing it.

Everything is Illuminated

Today, I tried to do "normal" again. Every day, I try to get a shower in...it keeps me from feeling down I find. I didn't get one until late in the day and by then, the blues had grabbed hold a bit. Z is very active and pretty cute. She's crawling here and there and putting her in the safe environment, aka CAGE, seems cruel, but I did it. Today, I did it as I watched a Meryl Streep movie. I looked through magazines and watched Zo' find fascination in the most simple things. Life is good...but it seems to have a cloud over it today. Jason suggested we go to the gym tonight. We've had our memberships for gosh, 2 months now, but I haven't been yet. My family was here for a long time and we traveled all over this summer. It was my first time putting Z in a daycare setting. She was fine, I was nervous. I did the treadmill for 10 mins and then wandered around. I stretched here and there, but never really broke a sweat. After 30 minutes, I went to get her. I'll get better. I need to go to the gym each morning. She needs to be around other kids and I need to get my body into some sort of shape.

At the moment, the sky is starting to get dark, but it has enough light to cast shadows everywhere. The ground almost looks black. The outlines of the trees are black. My heart is heavy.

I'm going through a phase where I am escaping into lives that I'm so far removed from. (I hate ending with prepositions) Anyway, I watch Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project and Project Runway. I'm also going through all of my mags and ripping out fashion icons and amazing clothes. I'm decorating my closet with the covers of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Interview. It seems shallow, I know. I just want to be surrounded with pretty people, amazing places and cool photography. I want to be transported into another world. I love being mommy, but I think I could have been a great PA to a stylist or on a movie set. I'm drawn to the places that take me out of my head. I'd worry about me a little if this was new for me. But, I've been this way my entire life...guess I'm not going to grow out of it.

This is one of the covers in my closet. I love it. SJP looks beautiful and mystical in the blue haze of the Brooklyn Bridge.

I feel like Julia slapped me in the face.

I just got back from seeing Eat Pray Love. I loved it. I loved her journey, but mostly I loved the thoughts it provoked. I sat there alone (J kept Z at home) and tried to put myself into the scenarios. (That's what I've always done with movies--hence my slight identity crisis.) Like her, I too, protect my heart too much. I'm married...I should just let it wide open. I do think that being raised by a single mother had lasting effects. I didn't look into the future and see a husband. I saw a woman making her own plans and doing what she wanted to do. We didn't have to consider my father really when making any day to day plans. She didn't want to be a single mother though. However, the idea of having your life be your own was something I always had. Also, keeping your heart close to you and not lending it out was another idea. But, at 16, I did fall in love--and fell ALL THE WAY. Ugh. Having your heart broken as a young person is just awful. It was broken pretty much from 19-24--until I thought I fell in love with an older man. There was another relationship in there that tried to cushion the blow but ended up being my worst regret. I basically dated someone because he had found someone--bad idea. Sadly, one of the lessons I learned from that broken heart was to never open it quite that wide again. And yes, I'm married, and no--I haven't opened it as wide as I should. Again with the single mom thing--you want to make sure that if this flops, your heart is in tact. As I sat there watching the movie, I was reminded again that this is no way to love. J deserves more than that and I am capable of so much more. I've been calloused in many ways. My therapist told me that I had one foot out the door in my marriage. This is a hard realization. It's tough for me. I did want to be married...and I wanted to marry Jason. I just didn't realize that after it happened it would be so hard for me to keep that flood gate open. She struggles with the balance in the movie as well. She makes a reference to how she jumped from man to man her entire life and that what helped her get over one was finding another. BINGO. That's me to a tee. Sounds awful. After the first time, I NEVER wanted to feel that pain again. I felt it a bit after Kansas City. I didn't jump right into something else...but I did have a distraction. Men were my distraction for most of my life. I dated to either not deal with heartache or pain from daddy relationship or my insecurities or my depression. Man, I sound healthy!! Jason is real, but he is the toughest. He's also a thinker. We are both from divorced families and are both affected by our childhoods. We both have protective shields. We both deal with past scars in different ways. I create and think and reflect and mull over...while he throws himself either in to work or working out. We struggle but we also saw something in the other. The connection is strong, but it requires a lot of care. I admittedly have been selfishly resigned lately. The movie was a good reminder that having an independent soul balance and not loving to your fullest potential throws off your life balance. In keeping your feelings always on alert, you miss out on all of the ups and downs and greatness of life. It is scary to me. It is hard to let down the boundaries. It's hard to want to go back to my 16 year old self and just LOVE until I just can barely see anymore. I want to feel that again though. I do. And J deserves to be overwhelmed by me a little.

My best friend is getting married for the second time. She is overwhelmed by love. She's just letting him have it. She's happy and at times it's nauseating. But, the nausea comes from how scary that seems to me. But, I want to be that silly and crazy in love. After all, that's why J and I got married...we were a little crazy. Slowly, I pulled myself together and tried to become the perfect wife, now mother. What does that mean?? Well, I've been doing it wrong. It's very apparent to me. There are changes ahead...and lots of good fear.

The Family Stone

The family just drove away. I've already cried twice, I'm trying to keep up the reserves. Crying just makes me horribly exhausted for the rest of the day. It was a good visit. Having a quiet house again is a shock. Z loves her cousins. We packed a lot in. The departure day kept getting pushed out due to no one wanting to leave. That's a nice feeling. They were suppose to leave on Tuesday. Living far away has its advantages, but obviously, it is hard to know you won't see them for a long time. The kids will just get taller and more mature. People just keep aging. I'm not ready for all that comes with getting older. I'm not ready to be without those I love. I'm not ready for my body to start breaking down. (this is depressing!!)

The thing to focus on is the memories that you create with people. Trying to get as many good ones made as possible is a good goal. They make you rich. So does having pictures to look back on when you're older to reflect on days past. I find old pictures of my parents and grandparents fascinating. Z will have so many pictures to look through unlike I have. She'll see how many people loved her. She'll see pictures of her grandparents--the people that started all of this. I think it would be odd to look around at the people that you've created. The lineage. It's amazing really.

I'll write more later. I need to start putting my house back together. The hallways are quiet and the loft is silent. My house is starting to build the memories of Z's childhood. I love that.

Quick post...on the way out the door...really...I'm coming!!!

ok, so we're leaving for lake placid shortly. i'm not going to capitalize. i'm exhausted. got up early to get the first group out the door and then to clean and pack. little Z is sleeping. she's surely going to resent another road trip, but she'll soon snap out of it. she's quite the happy girl. she went to her first baseball game. it was aaa league, but still, it counts. it was too hot to stay out the entire game, but she was a trooper. i'll post a pic if i can.

my mother leaves next week. i'm already missing her. i've learned a lot about her this trip actually. it's interesting to see her in different times our each of our lives. new things surface. new appreciations. she's very kind and giving of her time. she's so helpful and thoughtful. i know she was like this growing up, but i was too immature to realize to the full extent. i'm hoping she'll come back for thanksgiving.

i'm trying to think of the things that will keep me busy for the next few months. i'm headed to kansas for kortney's wedding. dustin is my date. it will be nice girl time. i'm also headed to atlanta to see angie. she needs some girl time of her own. we're headed to florida this year for christmas with j's family. that should be nice, but i will miss new york with the snow and such. i'm still going to decorate...and maybe before thanksgiving! i'll follow target's lead.

we buried the baby bird in our little tree line in front of the house. did i already mention this? we took pics of the "service" but no words were said. i haven't seen the cardinals lately, but i know they are still around. most likely, they have another nest somewhere else. i read that mother cardinals will often have 3 nests a season.

my baby bird is flying to the mountains today to meet up with her cousins who adore her. i'm going to try to take as many deep breaths as i can and enjoy the long car ride. the adirondacks are only 2 hours away. however, lake placid is 6. ugh! on the way...trees, wildlife, mountains, streams and my little family. i need to start soaking it in...the world isn't as beautiful in other parts of life. right now, i need to focus on the sweetness of everything.

92 is not that hot, I know...but, it is.

It's hot. Z is playing with blocks. She is about a week off from crawling. My family is here. It's nice and crazy at the same time. I vacuum the floor every day. My OCD is becoming VERY apparent to them. I'm afraid I'll be seen as the crazy aunt. I found out that we have cherry trees in the back yard. Charming? No, messy. It's better than a crab apple tree I guess.

I wish I could have a huge retreat for me and my friends to go for one weekend. Everyone leaves their children and sigfigs behind and we all just go and talk and laugh and relax. Maybe a week. And maybe it's paid for by a secret donor. And maybe it's a cruise. Will someone buy me and 30 of my friends a cruise? The heat is making me fuzzy...