2011 will be a better year.

Tonight we welcome 2011. A new year. I love the opportunity to reflect and look ahead. I have so many things I'd like to see come to fruition in the new year. Most have to do with my inner self. I'm constantly trying to find ways to become a better me. One of the things I could do is to stop looking backwards and regretting things I can't change and focus on how I want to live the rest of my life. How do I want to affect those who come into contact with me? We all have those friends in our lives who energize us and make us feel happier to be around them. I want to be one of those people. I feel that I've used up my years of being judgmental and sarcastic. It's time to be more positive and motivating. Smile more. Laugh more. See the bright side. Life is so full of things that drag us down--it's not easy to trudge through when we encounter horrible losses. It's hard to understand why bad things happen. It's hard to wonder if we could have done something more in certain situations. However, you CAN do something. Learn. Try again. Move through it. I've seen a lot of sadness this year in my life and in the lives of others. It is hard to comfort those who are so bereft. Some don't want to feel better it seems. (This used to be me.) Feeling better and trying to move on doesn't make what you went through any lesser of an experience. It doesn't come across to others that you didn't care. It's survival. It's being better for yourself and for those around you. It is true that you can become stronger after great loss.

2011 is a year for being stronger and better and happier than you've been before. You can break the mold you've created for yourself. You can change how you feel about anything! You can become brighter and you can learn as many new things as you can fit into each day. I want to feel differently about things. I want to be more cheerful. I want to lose some of the armor I wear each day in order to not get hurt--and just be present. I want to be better. I want Z to see me as a positive force in her life.

It sounds like I got high before I wrote this...but I swear, it's just me...wanting to change.

Some Vaca Pics

The New Year

2011 is looking to be a happy one. 2010 was very happy...so why not keep it going?! This morning, Jason and I mapped out our individual and joint goals for the year. It's a way of beginning again on some things we came up short with last year. I love that feeling of being renewed in a way. I know it's a day like every other day, but the fact that I can make it feel like something more seems to affect its power. I love new beginnings...hence my addiction to relocating. I think I'm finally settled where I am. Now, to get my fix, I map out my year. How do I want to be better? How would I like to feel better this year? What can I do to be a more authentic? Yes, I've been reading in my O magazine...

Here are some of the goals I have thus far:
1. Read more
2. Create photo albums (because having all of our pics on the computer isn't user friendly)
3. Start Z's scrapbook.
4. Shop by a list (this will be the hardest)
5. hit the gym 3x a week.
6. Clear out old paper work.
7. Be more positive, overall.
8. Plan family outings
9. Write a letter a week--an art that is slipping away...and my fam and friends will enjoy it!
10. Write daily--blog or journal.

Yes, of course I want to eat better and get more sleep, but that's a given. I'm energized by this list! I love the idea of restarting. I'm going to print my list and put it on the fridge to keep me honest.

And we're back!

Back from the sun...though not hot, it was warmer than Rochester. Our house was chilly...but clean and nice to come back to. When we arrived at ROC, our car was dead. We were exhausted, it was freezing and Z was sleeping. We opted to just take a cab home and return to the issue in the morning. Good choice. Sleeping in our bed was great. I got these great $20 flannel sheets at Target and it really warmed up our sleep!! They are really pretty, too. I love Target...and Target stock loves me.

Today is a day for napping and slowly putting our things away. We still have many icicles but no leaks. I'm not ready for the holiday to be over. Being away from home during the holiday was nice, but spending Christmas day on the beach was surreal. It just didn't feel quite right. The Vidmars were engrossed in Mad Men and so we watched that daily as they are trying to catch up to the current season. I own the seasons, so I'd seen each episode 3 times already. However, listening to them discuss Don Draper's actions was amusing. We also played poker almost every day. I'm getting better...but now will have a drought for months probably. Jason isn't into card games.

I'll post some pics of Z at Disney World soon. That was a great time. She was only there for 5 hours. The grandparents came to get her and 5 of us stayed out late. We spent the evening in Epcot going from country to country drinking and eating...and shopping. So much fun! At 9 some were pooped--we'd been at it since 8am. J and I were ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and see the fireworks, so we went alone. Wow...just beautiful!! It really does make you feel like a kid to be there. It was so nicely done. Just a great way to spend the day.

Z and J are now taking naps and the dishwasher is running in the background...all is good.

Leaving on a jet plane...

with a one year old child...should be fun.

We're headed to Orlando tomorrow for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it in a way. When I get there, I'll be happy. Getting there is the key. Getting my husband to unplug and relax is going to be a chore. He's so stressed out that he broke out in hives this evening. His age is catching up with him. His body is pissed about how it's been treated and it's showing him. J isn't a good sleeper. He works all the time. His mind will not shut off. It's actually pretty horrible. He's a perfectionist...but he's also a procrastinator. Those two make for some horrible sleeping hours.

I doubt I'll be able to blog from FL. I'll post pics when I return of Z's encounter with Disney characters. She will have no idea who they are, but the Magic Kingdom should be done up for the holidays so it will be pretty to be there. I want to see Black Swan. That's what I want for Christmas!! Someone stay with my child so I can see a freaking movie!

Last night, I had a dream about James Franco. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this...because it was THAT kind of dream. I woke up with a huge crush. May need to see his movie too.

Let's hope I dream of him tonight as well! :)

Happy Holidays to anyone coming across this post. Make a list of what you are thankful for and put it on the fridge...I think you'll realize there's more than you think.

Slacker

It's Tuesday. It's snowing out...we probably have 7 inches and are expecting about 5 more. I have a book club tonight and I'm at the computer trying to cram for it. We're discussing A Light In August tonight and I didn't read it. I didn't even buy it. I found it online and was looking through it and now it's gone--the online book is missing. So, I'm reading all the notes I can find so that I can come of somewhat intelligent. I will tell them that I didn't read it, but that I really needed an outing. It meets downtown at a little place that serves chocolate and wine. So far there are 18 going. 4 dropped out due to the snow. We're also having a book exchange of books we don't want anymore. I just got done wrapping mine. It's "Secret Lives of Men and Women." I'd ordered it and then realized it was kind of a crap book. So, it can collect dust somewhere else.

Z seems to be giving up one of her naps during the day. This sucks. The morning nap allows me to shower and get ready for the day. The afternoon nap allows me to either clean house or nap myself! (Or to research a book I haven't read) Please let this just be a phase. She's teething badly and has been all out of sorts.

I'm DREADING the flight to Orlando on Saturday. I can't wait to get there...but holding Z on my lap seems to be a crazy move. She wants to walk. She won't want to sit for over 2 hours. I feel a lot of "looks" and glances coming our way. I've always been very nice to other mothers on planes with children who scream--please let this be my pay it forward moment.

I'm really hoping there is at least one interesting person tonight. Could I have a future friend? I feel like I'm speed friending. I want to sit down with each person for a few minutes and decide whether I want to pursue a friendship with them or not. I have wonderful friends...but none of them live here. I miss having someone to go to eat or to movies with--other than J, of course. Please don't let this be a singles meet up group.

An update to come...

Inside. (A schizo post)

I've been watching Inside Actor's Studio for years. Last night, I watched James Franco. And it happened again. This thing that always happens. When I watch it, I have some sort of magical experience...like the universe is talking to me. I know this sounds crazy. But, I feel very connected to the actor on stage...like I have an inner voice that's trying to get out. I've always felt that I had some type of art inside of me. I've wrestled with the idea of a book. I've thought about scripts. I feel that I should have pursued being a film producer. I just told Jason a few weeks ago that I feel I would be a great film producer. I feel I could write some type of script that may not be Oscar worthy, but I feel that I would be proud of it. It's in here...somewhere. I feel it. (Is this really strange and conceited?) It's more like there is something inside me that I know needs to get out. By the end of IAS, I always put myself on stage and answer James Lipton's questions. So, last night I thought..."what a great idea! I'll just write how I want the interview to go--like a creative writing exercise...and maybe I'll find some type of inspiration or maybe the idea will come out naturally."

This is jr. highish, I realize it. It's almost like I'm going to write my epitaph and then see if I can live my life in accordance to it. I'll be living backwards.

So, anyway, I'm headed to Orlando at the end of the week and I'm going to make this my assignment. When I'm done, I'll post it.

If you haven't watched Inside The Actor's Studio on BRAVO...you should really try to take in an episode or two. They really are inspiring. Streisand's is my favorite. Netflix has some you can get. Hulu has clips of episodes.

Out of it.

My dad was here for 5 days, so I've been neglectful here. It was a great visit. We have a long history of me being a total nervous wreck when he's around, but this time was different. He was open and complimentary and very easy to be around. I do enjoy that some things get better with age. My relationships are one. I still have some to work on, but this one took a long time to get to this point.

Z turned 1 last Sunday. I can't believe it. She can now be forward facing in the car. Unreal. She's getting away from the bottle. She drinks from a sippy cup! She drinks whole milk instead of formula. She shows frustration a lot more. She also shows joy in a great number of new ways. She can say mamamamama and dadadada. I'm not sure she understands what she's saying, but I'll take it.

I've been a little off the radar for a bit. My friends are starting to contact me to see if I'm still around. I need to send out Thank You notes that are WAYYY past due today. Looks like I need to check back into Valerie for a bit and Mommy needs to take a break.

The snow is here for good. The icicles are ripping through our home and we have had 2 major leaks already. Ugh. We get a break today but tomorrow bring another big storm. Today everything is melting and slushy and dreary. I need to shower and start my day feeling human.

It's Friday. I look tired and feel awful. Happy Weekend!!

On the evenings before Jason leaves for a trip he stays up...late. He's manic and can't sleep. Thus, I don't sleep either. He comes down late, wakes me up and then proceeds to crash. I am left awake. He then has his alarm set to a time that he KNOWS he won't get out of bed and I'm left to jab him, "turn off the alarm. Get up." He snoozes the alarm and goes back to sleep. This happens every 8 minutes for a while. "You told me to wake you up. You have a flight, get up." He finally rolls out of bed and then frantically gets ready and rushes around the house (since now he's late) and I lay in bed listening to all of it.

Least to say, I'm tired today. I have much to do. Z and I will drive to Cleveland tomorrow to meet J. He's there for business and is staying over to wait for us. My dad is coming to Rochester on Monday. The house needs some help. The laundry needs doing. The yard is a disaster. I'm going to do my best today to get as many chores done as I can. All I want to do is nap. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look awful. I'm starting to get permanent dark circles under my eyes. It's not a pretty sight.

The snow will be here all of next week. It's official: it's cold out. Damn. I love the fluffy, beautiful white covering...but I hate the cold.

Let's end on a positive note. I worked out 3x this week at the gym. (but haven't stopped desserts) If I could just stop snacking...

Yes, I'm going to bitch about my mother in law.

Zoë turns 1 on Sunday. We are going to Cleveland this weekend so that her grandma can celebrate it with her. I don't want to go. I want to be selfish and have the party here. Of course, that means that only J and I would be in attendance, but that's how it was when she was born...and she won't remember this anyway. Because it is her first birthday, I'm feeling territorial. I want it to be MY cupcake she eats, not something made by someone else. We already gave her the cake and icing that I had when I was one last weekend. However, I think it's just the way it's being handled by her grandma. She demands things. She doesn't ask. She is going to have it HER way. It makes me want to say, "this is my daughter, we are celebrating at home, you're not invited." Ok, that's mean. I want Z to have a great relationship with her grandparents. It's just this particular grandparent doesn't ASK anything. She makes plans without consulting us. She counts the hours we spend at each house--(J has divorced parents and we have to split time.) She questions my mothering skills. She CONSTANTLY makes comments about Z's bedtime. "6:30 is too early! I don't know any baby that goes to bed that early!" (This makes me want to scream.) This discussion has gone on for weeks. It WAS 7:30, but then daylight savings moved the time back...so it's an hour earlier. The time changed...she didn't. I'm so not looking forward to this trip. I have daydreams about screaming, "ENOUGH!!! She is MY daughter...I make the decisions and we're going home!" This won't happen. Jason is totally the other direction. He's Mr. Peace Maker. He doesn't confront anyone. He doesn't stir the pot. He ignores her comments. He doesn't shut down conversations because he says it just makes things worse. He's had his entire life to "master" the dealings with his mother. I've had a couple of years and I'm ALL ABOUT confrontation!

Give me strength to get through this. Make it snow so we don't have to go.

I need a Delorean.

While cleaning out the garage, Jason found lots of memorabilia from his teenage years. In this pile were videos of his 9th grade English assignment of a scene from Great Expectations. It's adorable. He plays Pip. Attached to this clip was a little family video he filmed from around that time. They are all in the kitchen and he's talking behind the camera. I love it. I've often wondered what we'd think of each other had we'd met earlier. Jason says that we would never have worked back then. He was too to the "right" and I was too to the "left." It's true. He was VERY conservative back then. Our liberal minds didn't match up until 2005. I'm surprised how much he's changed compared to his high school and college years. I've matured, but my views on most everything have stayed the same. In the video, he was so much younger, yes, but he was also lighter. Life weighs you down as it hands you a job, a hefty mortgage, marriage and parenting. He's very concerned about keeping things going. He's a perfectionist to a fault. He stays up late nights working and worrying. He's the peace keeper in his family. He wants everything to be okay all of the time. I would love to have met him at 15. He was a book worm, I was more about friends and having fun. I think I could have added a little something to his life back then. Maybe helped him take things a bit less seriously. And, maybe he could have made me understood the importance of focusing a bit more on school work. I think our friendship could really have helped both of us. He's carried the weight of the world from a young age. His childhood is a blur to him...and before the age of 12, it just doesn't exist in his memory. I want to see what happened before then.

It all worked out in the end, but I constantly think of going back in time. I'd like to see my parents as young children. I'd love to understand where certain parts of their personalities come from. I'd love to go back in my own life...to see how I was at 5. It's very Emily Webbish (Our Town) to have this desire, but I think about it a lot. I feel like Mad Men is a cool way to learn about how life was in the 1960s. Although it's scripted, just seeing the fashions and the reactions to historic events is interesting.

I want to go back and talk to my mom when she was 18. I want to know what her thoughts were about her life. What did she want back then?

Don't you think that would be fascinating?