F U Winter

It's Thursday. Trash day. Jason had to leave early this morning and he forgot to take out the trash...damn. I gathered it and now have to put it out in the cold rain--poor me. I'm annoyed that it irritated me this morning after the week he's had. I talked myself down and felt bad for being so petty. I think I'm more just totally pissed off that the winter won't let go. I need warmth and sun. Z needs to go to the park. I'm tired of winter clothes and the house being chilly. It's making me cranky.

Mother Nature

Today wasn't much better with my attempt to decompress. I'm still wrecked for some reason. I met a new friend today. She's the mother of a friend. She lives in Rochester with her husband. They raised 4 children. It was nice to talk to someone...and know that everyone has problems. Every family has some sort of issue. I'm exhausted. Every time I lay down, I keep thinking about past events and future scenarios. I can't control anyone. That is hard for me. I want to play my family like little pawns--as if I know what is best for each one. Today, I wanted released. I wanted to barricade myself in my house--in this life and just focus on my own happiness. However, it seems to be tied with theirs.

When things seem to be so clear to you and not to others...it's just so frustrating. Heartbreaking. Tiresome.

I need to unpack. Put my things away. Put my house back together. Make it look like the picture I need it to be--then it will at least look normal. Until the cold wind stops outside my door, I can't even find refuge int he park down the road. I look forward to long walks in the outdoors...feeling the sun on my face and body...the warmth will feel like a hug. I'll feel as if I'm healing somehow.

I'm back.

Got back from my two weeks in Kansas last night. Today, I'm so much in thought that I didn't get out of my pajamas or put make up on. Not normal. It wasn't a relaxing time...and served to be down right exhausting. I'm so happy to see the people I did--but wow...I need time to decompress from it. Being at home in KS...witnessing certain things...it's just a lot for me to comprehend. It's almost like having to worlds collide- my new life and my old life. Now, I find great peace in my NY home with my little family. I want to enjoy the down time and try to figure out how to go about dealing with my feelings about the rest.

Pretty damn vague post, I know this. (And some horrible sentence structure.)

More later--

Join Twitter...

I've had a good day with social media today. Twitter allowed me to contact a Tweeter in Japan and see how things were going. I found someone in the region where some friends are living currently. I found out more information on Twitter today than I did on the news. It's such a helpless feeling. Watching the tsunami headed toward Hawaii and not knowing if everyone who needs to evacuate, has. I have a cousin there. I found out later, she and her family are fine. What a day. I feel for those in Japan. I sat, watching the devastation and cried.

We leave for Cleveland this pm. Z and I fly out early in the morning for KC. We'll be in KS for two weeks without Jason. Ugh. I know he'll miss us. It should be a nice trip if I just focus on the present--and not long for NY. It's good for people to see Zo'.

That being said, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog for a while. Maybe, but it just depends. I'm helping with some things that may take up all of my time.

I think you should check out Twitter, even if you feel you won't ever Tweet. It's a great way to receive information. In Hawaii--social media was the only way people were receiving information. TVs and radio were off. It's fascinating. It's also a great place if you're not much into Facebook. You don't really have to mention anything about yourself--just watch the tweets.

I'm vbvidmar.

Block Party

Zoë loves her blocks. Here she is sporting her new coat and dress. Her dad decided on a photo shoot.










The day has been productive, but now all I want to do is nap. We had Little Gym this morning and then her 15mo check up. I'm trying to stay productive...I have many things to do before my 2 wk stint in KS. I worked out yesterday (and going today!) but man, I strained my left shoulder a long time ago picking up baby Z and now it hurts from lifting too much at the gym.

I found a friend on FB that I've been looking for for a while. She looks AMAZING. She's one of those people that was always up beat and happy. She had such great character in HS and was always kind to everyone. Life has been good to her it seems. I love when I reconnect with cool people. Her abs and arms make me want to start P90X. I think it's time. When I get back from KS, Jason and I need to commit to it. We both want to change our shapes a bit, this is the perfect time!

Short post today. I'm fighting my nap off...and losing.

Up!

Last night I was obsessing about my annoyance with certain people in my life always playing the part of victim. I obsess more at night than at other times. I'd heard from a friend of mine that really was down and seemingly tired out by life. I know there are tough times, I am very aware of that. I don't have an issue with it. My issue is that some don't bounce back from those times. They almost wear them as a badge of honor. "Look at what I've been through..." They hold on to it for YEARS. (decades) Some define their lives by the difficulties they've had. (I used to be this way) They are always tired. They are always just a little bit down. Really? This is the way you want to live your life? I love the survivors. I love the people who shine on...and really are great examples of choosing to be happy. It is a choice to be positive and optimistic. I find great energy from those people. I look to them. Some of my friends have been to hell and back and you wouldn't know it. I know it from history with them. They don't go into it. They choose to look forward and live a good life. Those are the people I choose to lean towards. All of that baggage really drags you down and drags others around you down. And children will see it and remember it. They will start incorporating that feeling with you. Just think about it. Life is so short. I know awful shit happens, I do. It's the way you get through it and choose to live a positive life.

Sorry--it's just sucking my energy to worry about these people. I wanted to vent.

So, I'm getting my hair done today. The last time I had it cut was June I think. I'm staying with the dark hair. Spring is coming...I should go blond but I don't feel blond. I feel brunette. Whatever that means.

Have a great, positive and happy day. Even if it is still DAMN COLD...embrace it for what it is. Think...Spring will be that much sweeter.

Kansas

It's Friday. 4:30pm. The sun is starting to head West...and the sky is a light greyish blue that is starting to fade. I miss the sunsets in Kansas. I took them for granted growing up. The sky is bigger...with the farmlands stretching out to meet its ends. I grew up in a small town with only about 1,000 people. I graduated with 23 kids. I got lucky though. There were great people there. Thinking about how Z will grow up is so odd at times. I didn't have a mall down the street or really anything. Our streets didn't have lines...and we loved walking down the dirt roads. I didn't know I was really missing anything. I didn't have a cell phone or movies on demand. I had my friends and our connections. Even in HS, I didn't drink or try drugs. I kissed a lot and had lots of conversations walking the streets of my small town. We had to drive at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Z has so much already. I relied on my connections to entertain me. I grew up with small town girls...yes, but I'm astounded at how big their hearts were...how much they laughed and thought about things...we weren't backward or small minded. I could joke about rednecks, because that's what small towns produce. I won't say there weren't any, just no one I really hung around. I'm still friends with these people. My class and the class below me...packed full of great people. I'm just sitting here thinking of all of this due to the light that is in the sky. It just comes back...the memories and the gratitude. I got lucky. I really did. Will Z know how to really connect with texting and email and all the other shit out there? My friends wrote letters...and notes and were creative with expression. I'm worried. I really am.

If I could go back and be with my friends when we were younger...go to a football game or a track meet, I'd do it in a second. If I could walk into my gym, hearing the band playing and watch a basketball game...it would be blissful. We all supported each other. We were fans of one another. We laughed and cried and fell in love together. What a great way to spend your childhood.

I'm headed back to my small town in two weeks. I'll spend 2 wks in KS total. I know it's different. My town is not the same. My neice goes to school with mean girls. No one goes to games really. No one likes to be in clubs. No one supports each other. The town square is empty and kids drink a lot. What a shame. Do I blame technology? A little. They don't have to rely on each other for a good time. They have everything at their fingertips. Yes, we all had problems in our families...but, I really love that my friends were of substance. They still are. I miss them. I'll see some of them. I wish I could see them all.

Life has a way of taking all of different places...at least the start of the journey was solid.

Obsessed.

Jason is on the road today. Normally, Z and I would venture out but the cold is keeping us in. Z is just getting over a cold and I don't want to chance it. So, this means...a house day. Lots of reading the same book over and over again. I actually start hiding certain books because I am so sick of reading them. I don't feel bad about this. I feel that it causes my excitement in reading to be lost and I become horribly boring to listen to. I think Z appreciates it.

We started back to the gym after our Dustin visit hiatus. It felt good to burn some calories. Even if I'm not one of those hard core workout queens, I feel good that I at least show up. Meanwhile, I finished my bag of Cadbury mini eggs. I put the other one in the freezer for a summer treat. I can't have it out. It calls to me. I do think they are laced in heroine.

I'm addicted to Twitter now. I get addicted to everything, it sucks. I have such an addictive personality that I can't really function normally with fun things. I get hooked on chocolate eggs, Twitter feeds--feeling like I'll miss something if I don't check it often, Facebook, working out, cleaning and vacuuming. I also get addicted to people. I think living out here in Rochester has helped that. I can leave my friends alone and not obsess over their lives. Twitter helps feed my people addictions. It's just not a good thing. Jason is the same way. He's been obsessing over getting a new watch for months. He obsessively researches things. It's crazy. He can't sleep...he goes crazy needing the satisfaction that he made the perfect choice. Poor Z. (I can see this in her as well...at the gym, she will do the same game over and over and over...no matter what the other kids are doing.)

As I look out the loft window, I see 4 deer. 3 are young adults and there's one baby fawn. Adorable I love seeing them wandering around the neighborhood. Lovely!

Spring fever is an understatement

We did get out today. Went to Little Gym. There is only one other little girl in her class...Sofia. A cute girl. Her mom, Hennessy, cool name, shared my feelings of cabin fever. Spring is around the corner, but it can't come soon enough. Z's runny nose persists. I thought I heard her wheazing a bit, so she has a doc appt today to check it out. (Sadly, I was happy to have another reason to get out!) I long for the days of walking in the park. As soon as the damn snow disappears, we're off.

I continue to struggle to figure out how to feel more fulfilled--with my life at home. I feel that I should be doing something more. I don't have the patience to write a novel. Even a script seems like a long shot (pun intended). So, knowing that I love dialogue, I was thinking of trying my hand at a one act play. I think I might enjoy that. Even if it never reaches the stage, I have the need to produce something. I just need to finish a project. My house cleaning can only go so far. I'd like a sense of creative accomplishment. I batted around the idea of a book a while ago, but I really am not sure that would work. I think people would be too busy for the research it entails. It's all about other peoples' lives. Most of my friends are so busy...to fill out a packet of questions seems iffy.

I started (the first page) of Freedom. It's a BIG book. I also want to start The Hunger Games. My friend Lisa told me to read it. I've done some research and people seem to love it. I started following another blog and she loved it...

http://nevernotreading.blogspot.com/2010/01/review-hunger-games-by-susan-collins.html

At least the sun is shining. I'm really struggling with SAD today. What can I do to remedy? The half empty bag of Cadbury mini eggs is just makijng me feel awful. Self medicating with chocolate isn't a great idea. Maybe the gym. I can see how weed has its draw...just to break up the day. (please don't use drugs)

I couldn't live on a glacier. The continuous sight of stark white is driving me crazy.