No Direction

It's 9:47am and we've already gone on a walk. Zoë loves the outdoors and constantly puts on her shoes and pulls on the front door handle. It's warm this morning, but the rains are coming. Highs in the 70...but it always has to include rain in the forecast. The May flowers better be bursting. The trees started budding and just seeing the green slowly becoming part of the backyard scenery makes me feel a bit lighter. The birds are all laying eggs as well. When I park my car too close to the front bushes, the mama Robin spends hours jumping up and pecking my front bumper. It really ticks her off. It's pretty funny to watch.


I'm counting down the days until J and I head to California. He has a week long conference there and we're flying out early to spend some baby free time there before it starts. We fly into San Francisco and we'll drive to Monterey for our first night. We'll continue along the coast until we reach Hearst Castle where we plan on spending the evening on a tour. Pretty cool. You get to experience the castle as guests back in the time of Hearst. Everyone is in full dress. William Randolf Hearst is whom the character Citizen Kane is based. I can't wait.

Zoë slept through the night in her own room last night. This is the first time in over a month. Maybe her teething is easing. It's been a trying time. I figure we're getting finally paid back from having her sleep so well for over a year. I told Jason that we are experiencing what most parents face in the first year. Again, my appreciation of other mothers grows.

I feel like this post is so small talky compared to all of the thoughts that have been running through my mind lately. I've been deep in thought since my return from Kansas. I'm always reflecting and am constantly pouring over the memories of each of my life chapters. I find it interesting that I can actually FEEL certain times, places and people. Chicago has a certain feel to it. It's excitement and a feeling of fierce independence. Living in a city that is filled with young people and constant distractions felt surreal to me. Growing up in a sleepy little Kansas town...it wasn't comparable whatsoever. Everything felt larger than life. I miss that feeling of being excited and scared at the same time. I miss the feeling of being where everything is happening. Rochester is beautiful but not exactly bursting at the seems with excitement. We wanted to raise our family here. But, when she's old enough, I can't wait to take Z to Chicago and show her all the different sights of my 8 years there. Sometimes I want to move back--but I know we are where we are suppose to be right now. I miss the people, the food and the culture. It's like looking back on a relationship and only seeing the good things and wondering why it didn't work out--then reality sets in and you remember..."oh yeah....right...that."

I'm rambling because my brain isn't focused and I just wanted to post because I haven't in a while. I probably should have more of a point when I write. I'm afraid that isn't possible today.


The picture above is of Hearst Castle.

Mothers with multiple children are aliens to me.

The last 7-10 days have been the kind where I find strength in my grandparents. They were married for 61 years and I'm SURE there were hard times. My hard times aren't that hard...I know that. Z is teething and has been for almost a month it seems. Her sleeping habits are destroyed and now she ends up in bed with us each night. I don't sleep well when she's with us. Jason loves it. Sleep is my time away! He's been so busy with work and school, I think he's just happy to have her near him. Maybe if we both worked we'd see each other more. Maybe if he didn't have all the pressure on him. He's a workaholic...though he'd say he's just doing what has to be done. But, I've never known him to have normal sleeping hours...or working hours. Yes, it used to be worse, but I wasn't married to him then. Now, the going to bed alone each night is tiresome. He can't help it--though he's not the best with time management. So, I lay in bed and think...yes, there are times when your husband turns into your roommate and your family is focusing more on a schedule than on making each moment count. I'm sure grandma and grandpa went through times much worse than these and they were happy. This is what day to day marriage is about--getting through the tough times. We can do it. Day dreaming about our simpler times falling in love is probably not the answer right now. The fact that the cold won't go away is also playing into it. We need the sun...we need outdoor time...we need family hikes and swings at the park. I need Z to go back to being sweet and quiet. I have a feeling those days are over. She is a little girl now...and a very head strong one. I'm happy she's not a wilting flower...but it makes for long days and battle after battle.

How do people have multiple children??? One is hard. We want one more...but, wow. Let me get to Spring and think about it. Right now...I'm in awe of anyone with more than one that is still smiling. Am I awful at this?? When Jason is super busy, I focus on making sure the house is clean so that he can think...that we're fed...that his laundry is done and try to be as upbeat as possible. (I'm not able to keep this up most days.) Each person in a family seems to be to be at their max--how is that possible? My friends have up to 7 children...and I'm struggling with one? Hmmm...

Where I basically seem self obsessed.

The sun is casting shadows on the carpet and it puts me in a good mood. It's been so rainy. I'm sure I suffer from SAD. The tree by our bedroom door is budding. This is a good sign. Now, if we could just get the temperature to stay in the 70s.

I'm picking out pictures for books I'm making for my mom and niece as bday presents. Going through them all makes me miss them. Family is so tricky. Too much time with them and I get anxious about how what I see and how I want to make things better. Doesn't that sound condescending? It's more like wanting people to be happier. I always feel I know what's best for people...it's a fault. It's so easy looking in from the outside. Away from them, I feel lighter but long for them at the same time. It's screwed up. I enjoy being left out of a lot of family drama--but then feel like an alien. It's a codependency. I get sucked into it and feel ill. I think many of us feel like we are so different than our families. It's more like different experiences make for different realities. Of course, my life here in Rochester is more calm and relaxed, we only have one child and we have most everything we need close by. In small town Kansas, you deal a lot with gossip, monopolies and being on top of one another all of the time. Plus, you have to drive at least 30 minutes to get anything you need. A lot of frustration comes from a community that is almost TOO closely knit. You are pegged as a certain personality starting in HS and you aren't able to outgrow it. I do the same thing when I go back. The bullies in HS are ones I still don't go up and say hello to. Somehow, it's like you're stuck in time. It's not a fair assumption. When I see someone move geographically, I assume they've changed and grown internally. As if having left your childhood home creates a new person. That's a messed up mentality. It all has to do with me. How I perceive myself. I had to move in order to grow. I have lots of mental growing to do in order to stop seeing myself in everyone else. I'm so self involved. Gross.

Sojourn

I watched Shirley Maclaine on Oprah today. Pretty interesting. I suppose one would watch and think she's absolutely nuts. I didn't. Hmmm. What does that say? I watched her and just thought, "Gosh, I'd love to spend a weekend with her just talking." She seems so calm and one with herself. I've always searched for that feeling. Tonight, I went down and looked at all my pictures with the thought of seeing them as a stranger--what kind of person do I get from those pictures? If I didn't know me, what could I gather? I think I'd like to dive into that more. What do I put out into the world? I know what I think about...obsess over, but how do others see me? It's not about caring what people think...it's more of a real interest of my stamp in life. I'd love to spend some time in some sort of spiritual journey. I'd like to see what I come up with.

It's late, I'm tired and therefore...thoughtful. Time to sleep.

Spring...

Another poem by my friend, Ronda. She's inspiring me to write poetry, but I'm not ready to post yet.

Enjoy her work.

Pregnant with bloom,
Spring waltzes, fox trots,
does the tango and the
rumba past my window.
Ever changing weather
...patterns setting the cadence,
teasing into an expectant mood.
Cleaning the house,
sticking seed filled hands
into cold mud now joyous;
no longer a duty.
The cat carries bloodied,
freshly birthed bunnies
to drop at my feet.
Their screeching almost
drowning the glorious
colors that surround.
Scents, sweet and sour life,
bitter, pungent death, and
nostalgic hope fill my nostrils.
A gentle nudge of promise
and anticipation that
something good lies ahead.
A vacation away from winter
enough to set all in motion.
Robins jiggle, joggle,
hustle for worms to
shove down the throats
of newly hatched Chickadees.
Their mouths open so wide,
expectations of jaw hinges snapping,
as hungry for soaring as I am.

Warm temperatures...but not the ones I need.

Z has a temp of 102.7 and is very cuddly. Poor thing. She's also slept a lot today. Her rosy cheeks and warm body make me ache for her. I wonder if her skin hurts...you know, when you don't feel well and even clothes hurt. I hate that feeling. At least she has a parent to cuddle. There is a news story on right now about an abused 2 year old who was just removed from his parents. Gross.

I've had some interesting "therapy sessions" at random lately. I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. I keep getting into long phone conversations with people and really hashing things out. It must be emotional spring cleaning. I have lots of cob webs that need to be blown out. Don't we all?

Still no buds on the trees. BUT! The Cardinal family is very active. They chase each other all over the little part of woods we have back here. There's also a woodpecker that is quite noisy. It's all good noise. Still...I'm waiting until it's warm enough to open up the house and let the warm breezes come through. That coupled with the nature sounds makes for a calm and happy night.

Just stopping by

My new friend, Debbie came over today. It was nice to sit and talk and watch her adore Z. She's very maternal and made me feel comfortable. J and I don't have many friends here. The few we do have are from work and we don't see them much. Though...Dan, my former boss, is coming over for food and games on Saturday night. My good friends are elsewhere and I keep in touch well. I don't feel lonely. However, that being said, it was great have someone stop by to chat in my kitchen...and bring sweets. We have some things in common and spent a lot of time swapping stories. I feel a real friendship budding!! I've always enjoyed being around older women...maternal figures to look up to make me happy. She's younger than my mother, but old enough to be my mother in age.

As I look out, the trees are still bare. No buds yet. An there is a dark gray cloud that seems a little threatening.

Zoë keeps saying her new words...apple and up and HELLO!!!! It's sickening how cute it is. I can hear Elmo (who she calls "Mo") in the other room laughing. She's tickling him. They're great friends.

Master Class

Today, I watched Oprah's Master Class series on herself. It was really great. Very well done. Inspiring. It's on OWN. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you check it out. Even if you're not an Oprah fan, it's a great story. She has such great little lessons packed in there. I felt I learned a lot just by watching it. I'd go into it with more depth, but Z is climbing on me and won't allow me to type!! It's 5:30...ready for J to get home.


Here is a promo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5D92AN7mpE

Ok, there's my plug for the day.

homesick

Home is many things for me. Home is Jason and Zoë. It's Chicago--where I grew up. It's Lawrence, where I first ventured out. It's St. John...where I fell in love for the first time. It's people. It's my girlfriends...it's Jeremy, it's Dustin. It's country roads and farmland. It's the color blue. It's The Beatles or The Doors or Edie Brickell. It's the smell of cut grass. The sound of a basketball on concrete. It's my mother's hand...or my grandmother's laugh. I miss the feeling of being younger. I miss the feeling that the day was all mine. I miss being me in my little tiny town. I miss my house in SJ. It's all heartbreaking to me at times. To miss so many things--however, it also makes me feel incredibly rich. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm especially thankful for the town St. John, KS was when I grew up there. It's not the same and it makes me horribly sad for my nieces and nephew. They won't have the same experiences.

Be present in your life. Take mental pictures. Take in the smells and the sights of your life. When your older...you can feel the bittersweet yearning for all of it.

Love and other drugs

I'm currently watching this movie. It's kind of a new age Autumn in New York. Lots of sex. Lots of nudity. Wow. Hathaway does look great. It reminds me of the first stage of the relationship--the sex stage. How deliciously fun. I love kissing. I married a great kisser. It was a deal breaker. It all begins with the kiss. If it's not there...the rest is just empty filler really.

Who would have thought our first kiss years ago would have had such power behind it?! Now, we have this sweet little girl in red smiling up at me. She's very excited to learn a new word--up. Now she says it all the time. Cute.

I made an appointment with my Chicago therapist. We'll be Skyping on Saturday. I'm calling in the big guns in order to process my thoughts. Hopefully, that will help me figure out how to deal with some of my current demons. Take that!!

It's a rainy, cloudy day. It's chilly. But, the snow is melting and it looks like Spring through the windows. I'll imagine the warmth.

J and I booked our tickets to California. We'll fly into SFO. Maybe a small time in San Fran...maybe drive up the coast...maybe camp in Yosemite, not sure yet. However, it'll be time for us. A short time of 3 days...but it'll be our time. I expect lots of delicious moments.