visiting

Dustin and Ryan have been here since last Friday. I think they are getting a taste of what it is like to have to small children. They are doing well with it so far. They are loving Harper. Sweet baby. She is all smiles for them. Z is a crazy girl. She is fun though...until she gets tired. We went to the Museum of Play and to Bounce It Out. She is relaxing on the couch now. I'm hoping she is asleep soon. No nap means VERY cranky girl!

It's been a very relaxed time. They are getting married in December, so we've been discussing wedding plans. I'm D's "best person." It will be my 12th wedding! Goodness! I have another in November, too. It will be nice not to be pg this time. Find a pregnancy wedding dress last summer was not fun.

Jason has been super busy, so he's been a little out of the mix. He's exhausted. It sucks. He even slept through the Oscars! I think the show was fine. Seth was Seth. He's more GG material than the Oscars. I think Jimmy Fallon could do a great job. I agreed with the picks this year. Argo beating Lincoln was a little bit of a surprise, but I loved it. I haven't seen Lincoln yet.

It's been interesting talk wedding plans with Dustin. He's going to a "gay wedding show" in Chicago soon. It's a place to look over venues that are "gay friendly." I find it sickening that they  have to think about things like that. The fact that they have to go out of their way to find people that will work with them. It is JUST LIKE being black in the 50s and 60s. The ignorance of America really makes me sad. Zoe and Harper will not grow up knowing any different. They will know that love is love and everyone deserves to be happy.

Nothing going on....sorry.

Sorry, I've been absent. No good reason, really...just distracted.

Kansas is under snow. My family is having snow days. 17 inches is somewhat normal here, but not there.

Today, Dustin and Ryan are flying in from Chicago. They should be here within the hour. They are staying for 8 days. I'm thrilled for the company. The Oscars are this weekend. I should post my guesses. I'll do that.

Harper is sleeping in the swing next to me. Z is at Doodles. I'm listening to a vacuum downstairs. We are paying for a DEEP cleaning of the house. Yes...we are. I know, it's ridiculous. I just couldn't keep up with it and was so sick of it being so grungy. It's only a one time thing. With people coming in and all of the sickness about...I just wanted it to be done. It's a gift from Jason really. Some might find that odd...I love it. Happy Valentine's to me. But I realize that I  never hear the vacuum unless I'm running it. Weird. Harper is completely unaffected.

There really isn't anything to report. I've been up and down in my moods. At times, out right BITCHY. I'm wondering if it's Mirena?? Anyone have that issue? I feel extremely hormonal. I cry, I'm annoyed, I'm just irritated a lot. Poor Zoë gets the brunt of it at times. Mom of the year...I am not. Thank God someone else takes care of her some days. It gives us space and I get myself into check. I told her she needed to start saying, "Mom, don't be so cranky!!" I almost need a little kick in the ass at times.

You know what I need??

SLEEP.

All moms need that I think.

this just cracks me up.

I'm going to totally try to do one...

Some things people do make me happy. I love seeing people having harmless fun.

Hello, I love you.

Happy Fat Tuesday. I've never really celebrated Mardi Gras. If you live in Chicago during that time...and if you are in your 20s..you've sort of celebrated it because you celebrate everything at a bar. (And I had VERY social friends.) But today, it's just another day of momville. We made Valentine cupcakes. I bathed both girls. I cleaned Z's room. I put on make up. I feel that just doing that is an accomplishment some days.

Yesterday was a blur. I was horribly tired from the weekend...thus, emotional anyway. I got a call that my grandpa died. He was technically my "step" grandpa, but that doesn't matter. He was a very kind, happy and sweet man. He never treated me any differently than his other grandchildren. I am sad to never see him again...and his smile, but am relieved that he is no longer suffering. He lived a very full life and created a great family. That's really all you can ask for.

We have date night on Friday. Haven't decided what movie to go to. It will either be Identity Thief or Side Effects.  I'm leaning toward the latter. Quality over laughter might just win out. (though who couldn't use a good laugh.)

There's nothing like losing someone to make you think about your own mortality. I think about what I've left behind. Did I do my best to make people feel special? Did I reach out as much as I could have? At this time of my life...I don't call people as often as I think of them. I miss the endless time I had to just sit and talk with my friends--in person or on the phone. I miss that connection. The best we can do is do it when we can. I would hope everyone would know how much I love them. I would hope my children would be proud of who their mother was. I'd hope J would know how much I love him. Thing is, you won't know...so I guess if I have any doubt about any of that...I should do something about that.

Better today.

Today is better. Thank God. Yesterday, I was a total grouch...who felt sorry for herself. Today, I feel much better. I was accomplished. I was dressed by 9AM and cleaned up the house...and did the laundry...and made my daughter a balanced lunch...made a fort in the living room...and ate half a can of BBQ Pringles. Yes I did. I'm not going to eat dinner. Maybe that will off set it?

Now that 30 Rock is over, I can now start watching it on Netflix. I seem to watch reruns of old shows instead of watching them when they are actually on the network. (Except for Downton Abbey.)

I watched a couple movies in the past few days: The Sessions (Helen Hunt). It's about a woman who gives sex therapy to a physically disable man. It was very good. Sweet. I wasn't sure I'd like it...but I really did. Hunt did a great job.

Fair Haven. Uhhh...this is an indie flick. It reminded me so much of SJ (if it was located by water) and high school reunions...ugh. Good writing. Decent acting. Wouldn't watch it again.

Harper is having a growth spurt and has slept the day away. Why couldn't she do that yesterday? Jason is out all day traveling. Tomorrow we are suppose to get over a foot of snow. We will see. The last time that was forecasted, we got a dusting.

Z told me today she wants me to have another baby. She doesn't want Harper to grow up. She loves babies. I told her I'd think about it.

suck it up.

I've had an off day. I woke up horribly cranky. That's no way to start off. At times...we can just let things build and build and then, BAM..."oh, yeah, that upsets me." Well, it came in the middle of the night. Then it carried on with me to today. Sometimes talking helps these feelings. Other times, it doesn't. (Esp if it is something that has been talked to death.) So, as life treads on, so do we. I think I'm coming to accept that there are just things that upset us and we can't do anything about it. Being miserable about it is annoying to others and doesn't make for good wrinkles later on.

Oh well, I say. Move on.

As I sit here, my step mom is getting ready to say goodbye to her father. I can't imagine that feeling. I've had people close to me die, but I didn't know exactly when it would be.

As I sit here, my friend, Becky is recovering from surgery. She is in pain, nauseous and annoyed with it all.

As I sit here, I have a dear friend suffering in a strange marriage and none of us know what to do for her. We just have to see if they make it through.

As I sit here, many are dealing with a hell of a lot more than I am. Guess I know what to do...

38

Well, the birthday weekend was a success. Jason and I went out for a nice long dinner and then went to Barnes and Noble. After having a martini, I was pretty much done. Sad, isn't it? We were home before 10. The kids were both asleep and didn't wake up. It was great. J got me a nice warm jacket and a great card. It was so great to get out of the house. Z didn't appreciate the babysitter move, so she put herself to bed directly after she left. She is sometimes a bit anti social. Geesh. Harper was a doll...smiled and then fell asleep after a bottle.

Earlier in the day, I'd gone to the mall for an eye exam and stopped into Anthropology just to look. They had a sale where I found a FABULOUS dress that was originally close to $100 and I got it for $29! I got that and a coat (for over 50% off...or I wouldn't have been able to afford it) and wore it out on my night on the town! I will say that the dress was a magic dress (well, I also wore spanx) and made me feel fantastic. I almost looked pre-baby! Here it is below. Cool, isn't it??

Anyway, yesterday was Super Bowl--Beyonce concert day. We were laid back for most of the day. J got us wings and mozz sticks (really healthy) and we chowed down while trying to get Harper to sleep. It was a nice family night. Again, by the time it was over, we were both exhausted and fell asleep almost instantly.

Maybe this is why some have children before 30?? We feel like old people!

Old feeling or not, 38 is going to be a good year. I'm just going to believe that. I know there are some tough times ahead...I can see them...but I'm choosing not to deal with them until they are here. I'm going to try and be a better version of myself. (I keep trying year after year) Maybe I can get closer to the person I want to be.

happy birthday to me.

It's Friday. There's a beautiful, wintery scene outside. Harper is sleeping peacefully downstairs. Z is at school. Jason is on the road. I'm cleaning and listening to music. The stark trees make me feel a little lonely, but no too bad. My birthday is tomorrow. 38. Unreal. I'm happy with my place in the world. I'm happy with the family I helped create. I'm happy with the friends that surround me--one way or another. I've had a rich life thus far. I'm a sponge. I feel music. I feel movies. I feel words on a page. I'm often brought to tears out of happiness as well as sadness. I'm still in love with my husband. I think he's hot. I think my children are beautiful.

I get tired sometimes. I get lonely. I get reflective. But, all in all...life is going as well as I could hope. I hope one day the things I don't understand will become understood. I hope I will see past loved ones again. I hope I get to travel more as I grow older. I hope I get to spend more time with friends who are far away. I miss them.