Evergreen

Rain again today. It rained all weekend as well. We focused on our in-door jobs and got some things accomplished. Our closet is now somewhat organized. It's been a disaster for months. Just awful. I was pretty out of it yesterday. Woke up sick and it never quite went away. Saturday I wasn't sick at all. Finicky baby.

Been talking to some friends with lots of changes going on in their lives. Our life seems somewhat slow out here. I'll take it. I feel as if I'm sometimes in the audience watching others' lives roll out. I watch their ups and downs. I think about them. I cry for them. I think about how much was going on with them in the past years when I was checked out. Today is a day for reaching out. There are a couple of friends that have a hard time ever contacting me. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've had this role. Some I've let go. Some I refuse to let go.

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. We got married on a cruise ship somewhere near the Bahamas. Weird. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy the day more instead of freaking out so much. We need to go do it again someday. Our day/week is busy, so I'll write him a letter and we'll celebrate when we have time. I'm fine with that.

Yesterday, I found a box of old emails and such. They were all from 1998-99. I actually printed a TON out from different people and put them into a 3 ring binder. Reading them was sort of surreal. It was good to see how creative I was--and reminded me that I need to do more creative writing. It was nice to see that most of the people (all except for 1), I'm still in constant contact with. I was 23. A romantic and idealist and very emotional. Not a lot has changed. Z will get a kick out of reading them one day. I have a feeling she will be more mature than I was then. (it wouldn't be hard) But, I had good friends and had lots of good times. My life is a full one.

Whistling...

Well, today is better. It always is. And the pm of yesterday was much better than the am. My mood swings seem to keep things interesting. The cool winds and gray skies are somewhat relaxing really. I'm feeling ok and ready to work. Already threw away some toys of Z's that were in need of pitching. She didn't notice. I'd love to throw away most of them...but I won't. I'm going to start clearing out the play room and figure out a way to make it into a bedroom for the two kids. I'm going to have them share a room. I've polled most of my friends and the consensus is that the kids like it. I'm looking forward to it. We need to get Z back into her own bed. She's been sleeping with us for about 3 months now. I don't mind...but she'll be better off in her own bed.

The rain is going to wash away our weekend. Maybe it will allow us to get some indoor jobs done. (While our outside grows and grows)

Alright, back to work while I still want to do it.

Second Year Blues

This poem is from my friend, Ronda. It deals with a great loss she had last year...

I've got the 
second year blues
What I've heard about 
missing you is true 
The first year 
the news hit low
I missed you so
I almost went 
out of my head
But the children 
needed to be fed
I managed to pay bills
made the bed
we once slept 
in together 
This second year 
is like no other 
Reality of life 
without your voice
words to guide, direct 
leave me lost
Mourning you 
with tears, poetry
I say words to 
you in my head 
I miss your smile 
and touch so much
This second year 
I run frantic 
panic with the 
loss of you
What shall I do 
this entire 
year without you--Ronda Miller, Lawrence, Kansas

A bad morning does not mean there has to be a bad afternoon.

That is my mantra today. My hormones are all over the place. I'm exhausted and horribly cranky and totally annoyed with myself. Everything seems out of control. It's a good day to be a hermit and fix yourself. No one needs to be around negativity.

I need to meditate. I need to get over myself.

CTFO

I'm a bit high strung. I need to relax. To me it seems that you don't need alcohol quite as much as during pregnancy. Oh well. My hormones are all over the place. My thoughts are either lost or everywhere. I am anxious/hyper or exhausted and past out.

The landscapers came today. They were suppose to be here yesterday, but things happen. They went to Melissa's  yard and started setting up shop--I had to go get them to move to our yard. That would have been a disaster. Her yard already looks perfect...wonder what they would've done exactly. Our yard (after 2 hours) is starting to take shape again. I'm sure they were like, "uh...do you guys do ANYTHING??!" Uh, no. We don't. Thanks. That's why you are here.

It's a day to try to stop being annoyed at everything and everyone. It doesn't help a thing. I'm listening to a jazz station to try to chill my shit out. What a bad example I am.

weeds

We had the deck roof taken off today. It was rotted and full of bugs...something right out of a horror movie. Now our deck looks so much bigger and a lot sunnier. You can see so much more of the trees. I dig it. The landscapers are coming today as well. Along with the horror movie theme--our yard. The trees are overgrown, the weeds out of control. We mow, but that's about all we do. I have a new found respect for great landscaped yards. They take a lot of work.

Wouldn't it be great to have something like that done with our psyches? I suppose some would say shock treatment is the same. I don't want to remove it all--just my bad habits, bad memories and occasional pessimism. 

time to get out.

This morning Z and I are headed to Wickham farms for Tales and Tails. They read a story and then bring out an animal for the kids to pet. It's still a bit chilly, but it's suppose to be a warmer day. I'm ready. I flourish in warm weather--much like a tomato. :)

The week has been low key. We are planning our trip to Chicago--trying to figure out each day without over planning and being miserable trying to stick to a schedule. It's our 5 yr anniversary. It is definitely an interesting thing--marriage. You learn a lot more about yourself than you think. I thought marriage was about being with someone else...focusing on them...building your life side by side. For me it's been about learning about us as individuals. We're partners in life...helping each other through it instead of googling over each other like it is in dating. You see how each of you struggle and how you make it through. It's a great lesson in being human. Before, I was pretty focused on myself--now, I am almost taking a Master's class in someone else's journey. It can be cool to watch--and easier on you if you think of it that way. The first year was the hardest for me. I never realized how much I though only of myself--it was hard to include someone else in my plans. Even when I dated...I had MUCH more alone time. Now, going to Kansas without him is somewhat a relief for me. "Oh yeah...I know how to do this!" It's nice for him to come for a while and then leave. (awful??) I just like to have one on one with my friends--it's hard to have good convos with too many people about.

Chicago will be nice. Z will stay in Cleveland and we can focus on each other...and eating. Chicago has such great food. We're staying at The Drake--we like the vibe there. It's old school. We've stayed there once before and I felt like my grandparents would turn the corner at any minute as young people. It was like we were back in time. So cool.

Okay, time to be an exemplary mom and take my child out into the chilly morning to see farm animals with all of the other happy, smiley, annoying mothers!


Sidenote: Jason spent his new watch/road bike budge on Facebook stock this morning. I'll let you know if we become millionaires. We've made $100 so far.

Mary Poppins would be ideal...

Cloudy day so far. I woke up ill, but am better now. Today I need to get some things done. (I don't know why I feel this is necessary to say...) Being a stay at home mom makes you feel as if you need to be prove your productivity. (at least I feel that way) So far, I haven't even poured a cup of coffee. I've been looking over facebook and chatting with a friend online. Z is (again) watching tv.

I watched Inside Actor's Studio--Mad Men last night. I rationalized my daughter's tv addiction (and mine). Whereas some of the actors didn't watch tv at all as kids...others were addicted and it sparked their creative minds as well. (Okay, now she is playing in her room, I feel better...I turned off the tv)

Yesterday I taped up a calendar and marked off the events of the summer. Today I'm going to tape up the events of the city and options for Z. I feel as if I could see them easily, I would do more. It's my way of getting more organized and feeling more like a good mommy. I struggle with that. I have friends who seem like they were born good moms. I struggle. Not with the love part--I'm good at love and cuddling and silliness--I'm not so great all of the time with the activities. I want to go to an art store on Wed (nanny day) and get her some art supplies that we can do outside on the deck. Get this girl's creative juices flowing. Now that she is 2--and the baby stage is over...it's time to challenge her a bit. And, I feel I will be inspired as well. I will be a little lenient that my lack of enthusiasm has somewhat to do with the fact that my energy is running out my toes constantly--but I can still try.

It's the mental struggles of motherhood. Am I doing enough for her? Am I discipling well? Am I giving her good self esteem--I'm going to say yes on that one. She isn't shy and isn't afraid of anything. She is a bit (a lot) bossy and she's learned the ways of female manipulation already. It's frightening, really.

I'm not school teachery--I've always struggled with the happy-kindergarten teacher thing. My parents were never that way. My friends just seem to have the knack for it. (of course many were early education students) I look forward to the teen years of introducing her to films and art. I look forward to the talks. At this stage, I just want to bring in someone sunshiny and filed with energy to get  her to that point. Until then...I'll have to rely on my silliness.

Not exemplary.

I contemplated not blogging today...not sure how it will go. My head is pounding. I am exhausted today. It feels like an alien instead of a baby today. It is sucking all of my life source and I am left with almost nothing. I just want to sleep all day.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, was very nice. The entire weekend was. I was spoiled and felt loved. Jason was very kind to me and took Z for most of the time and they created gifts for me--flowers were in the mix as well. It was one for the books. But today you'd think I was super busy both days.

We did have a date night. We saw Dark Shadows--fun, beautifully shot and a definite escape from reality. The colors were gorgeous. He has a shot at the end that I found really breathtaking. I love Tim Burton...and Johnny...it was good.

I have a to do list that isn't getting done. I feel the baby moving. They are probably wondering why I'm so quiet today. TV is babysitting Z. I'm doing a great job of mothering--HA! Right after a day celebrating it. Ridiculous. I need someone to swoop in and take this girl to the park while I crash for a bit.

I need to rally.

I wish I liked sushi.

My wishes today.

I wish I'd gone with Bill to the farmer's market downtown so I'd know how to get there and such. And I would've had that memory.

I wish I hadn't cut my hair so short.

I wish I'd started baking earlier in life.

I wish I'd been smarter about things and therefore not get so irritated when I see that foolishness in others.

I wish I would've gone further with my film degree.

I wish I understood why bad things happen.

Yesterday it was a gorgeous day. I sat out with Melissa next door and enjoyed the sun. Jason came over for a bit and even Z kicked around the soccer ball in her yard. Bill was missing.

The ones we love will always be missing. I don't know what happens after we die, but all I can hope for is to see all of the people I miss on a daily basis. I want it to be a reunion. But I want all of our spirits to be there. Bill shouldn't have to wait for Melissa to join him. Time should be irrelevant. Grandparents should have to wait for their grandchildren. Love connects all of us. It should continue to connect us. We should be able to be with our lost children.

A random thought process, I apologize. It's just that loss never goes away.

The sun is lighting up my Japanese maple and I'm thankful for how beautiful it makes my window. All we can do is try to see the beauty of each day--and do our best to be as happy as we can for ourselves and for those around us.

It's BLT's for lunch today. That makes me so happy I could pop. I'm off to the grocery store.

On a side note, I watched Breaking Dawn last night. Awful. One of the worst. Then I watched Young Adult. I suppose it was a good film, but it was so damn depressing I couldn't appreciate it. It was awkward and frustrating...well done by Charlize. Ugh.

A good day.

It was a cloudy day. I felt relief from it. The air was calm and warm. Rain came later, but until then it was just relaxing. I got some projects done I needed to do. I got quotes for some demolition work we need done and some landscaping. The neighbors on the street are stepping up their game as far as landscaping and house upkeep--we realized we probably should do the same. Plus, it feels so good to be proud of your home instead of a bit embarrassed by it.

Z is still working on her bedtime. Kansas really messed her up. She had a few yawns at 7...that's progress. We are slowly going to get her back on track--it takes a while.

I'm getting back on track myself. I felt almost organized today. I started listening to an audio book--don't laugh--Prime Time by Jane Fonda. It is not intended to be read by someone my age. I realize that. However, I still find it very useful. She speaks from so much life experience and I think the lessons should be learned now...instead of waiting. Plus, it gives me some insight into my parents. I think that's important as well. I'm ready to be older and wiser. This stage of life is damn hard. It's by far the hardest stage yet. I suppose when Z is a teenager, I will wish these years back. I really can't imagine it. It's very obvious that she is going to give us a run for our money in every stage of her life. She has no fear. She is extremely confident and bright. I see good things for her. She will be fun to watch and learn from.

I think I'll make some tea and relax a bit. I have some cards to write, some lists to create and some hair to dye.

Movie Post

Movies that move me...Part one.

To chill and relax:
Lost in Translation

The best in theatre movie experiences: (I keep adding to this...some great movies!)
The English Patient
The Goonies
Moulin Rouge (Probably the best...)
The Matrix
Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Pan's Labyrinth
Seven
The Ring
The Dark Knight
The Strangers (I was horribly afraid...)
Life is Beautiful
Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Pulp Fiction
The Abyss


The ones I laughed the loudest in the theatre:
Flirting with Disaster
Wedding Crashers

When I want to feel like myself:
Help
A Hard Day's Night
When Harry Met Sally
The Big Chill


When I'm lonely:
The Family Stone
Home for the Holidays
One True Thing
Sex and the City- The Movie
Practical Magic
Something's Gotta Give
Chantilly Lace

When I want to feel something:
The English Patient--my all time favorite.
Out of Africa
The Way We Were
Moonlight and Valentino
High Fidelity
The Color Purple
Schindler's List
The Myth of Fingerprints
The Ice Storm

To be inspired:
Shakespeare In Love
The Wonder Boys
Sliding Doors

When I want to get lost in it:
Gone with the Wind
Godfather 1 and 2
JFK
Amadeus
Bourne Trilogy
Star Wars Trilogy- 4,5,6
Lord of the Rings Trilogy

When I want to laugh:
Clue
Anchorman
Best in Show
Tootsie
Wedding Crashers
Flirting with Disaster
The Birdcage

When I'm missing my mom:
Notting Hill
The Way We Were
The Sound of Music
Mary Poppins
All the Presidents Men
Noises Off
Out of Africa
Gandhi
9 to 5

When I'm missing my dad:
Lawrence of Arabia
Absolute Power
The Outlaw Josey Wales
The Sound of Music
Seven

To feel like a teenager:
Reality Bites
Heathers
Dream A Little Dream
Say Anything
The Breakfast Club
Pretty in Pink
Goonies
Top Gun
The Lost Boys
Pump Up The Volume
St. Elmo's Fire

I'm back

Z and I got back from Kansas late Monday night. It's taken until now for me to get organized enough to write again. The trip was probably a little much for a 2 year old, but she kept up and although she was totally exhausted, she did very well 90% of the time. We had 2 major meltdowns. The biggest took place at the KC Zoo--where I didn't recognize her at all because she was out of her mind screaming and bawling and almost caused me to break down myself. My friend Lisa was cool as a cucumber and wasn't phased. (She has four kids.) Again, I am in awe of how she manages to seem so relaxed with 4 and I'm a anxiety freak with only one. Maybe after a second will give me perspective.

Perspective is something I always gain by going to Kansas. I see snapshots of my friends and families' lives and it's fascinating. Two of the friends I saw are suffering from severe health conditions. Neither of them were beat down by it. Both were upbeat and cracking jokes at their expense. They are not defined by their illnesses. They are real about it. They aren't in denial. They are just not going to be victims. I feel as if I fall victim to small things in comparison. It was a good lesson for me.

It always takes me weeks to fully decompress after being gone. I think about the experiences I had. I think about how each person deals with their lives. I think about how I would handle it in their situations. I think about how much we've all grown. I think about how we all got to the places we are. I think about the decisions we made early on and how they continue to affect us. (This is a lot of thinking) I suppose most people don't dive into the deep end of their friends' thought processes and lives. But, I've always learned most from other people and I almost analyze these observations as if I'm in a life class of sorts. I had moments of "oh yes...this is what it was like to be with you..." and "Why aren't I closer?" I expected those thoughts. The main thing that all of the families' I visited had in common was that life can be really hard. It can beat you down. The differences came in how each of them faced it. I do need to be stronger. I do need to be more positive and brave. I do need to understand that there are going to be times of great difficulty and if I give into it--I'm done. These aren't mind blowing observations--but to see it in real life  being played out was much better than reading it in some book. Some let the blows of life slowly shut down parts of their insides--others have let it blow them open and are more open to life than before. Some of the people I saw were dimly lit. Others burned bright with hope and resilience. I want to be an example of the latter.

Some are just better at life than others. Some just bounce back better. Some just have some great wisdom that comes from nowhere--they were born with it. We all can change. I can change. I spend time with these people and it makes me want to be a better person. I suppose I hide out in NY somewhat. But, it's easier for me to process it all from far away. I didn't appreciate my friends as much when I was geographically closer to them. I took the lessons for granted.

I continue to find more things in myself that I need to fix than what I'm satisfied with. I'm happy with the fact that at least I recognize them.

she's leaving home. bye bye

Z and I leave in an hour. I'm anxious. We have to fly to NYC to go west...that's a cheap flight for ya. I had an ultrasound this morning. It went very well. The baby is healthy and big. The doc commented on it.  Great.

As soon as I get to KC and have the rental with the car seat, I will be at ease. I want Z to have a good time. I want her to enjoy herself. I want to enjoy myself. I want to relaxed and not a hyper spaz. I tend to do that when I'm nervous.

So, I'm off for 10 days. I'll see you when I get back. Think good thoughts. They always help.

My name is Valerie and I am a co-dependent.

I've been on hiatus. Mostly from my mind--and it seems I still am. In preparation for my Kansas trip (I leave on Friday for ten days), it seems I've vacated all intellectual capabilities. I've also been sick...still. I made it to the second trimester with no relief. Some mornings I'm fine, only to be sick in the evenings. And some mornings I spend running to the bathroom or passed out on the couch.

Jason is out most of the week in Canada. Z and I are getting along okay. I get a little paranoid at night and barricade Z and I in my room--locking the doors and jumping at all sounds until I fall asleep. I blame my fondness of horror flicks for this one.

Kansas is always a strange mixture of excitement, love and awkwardness. When I'm around family, I seem to feel 15 again. When I'm in Lawrence, I convince myself that I should live there and feel sad that I don't. (I love it there.) When I'm around old friends, I feel pretty at ease and wonder why I live so far away. It will be nice to have Z with me. I'm so proud of her and she is so fun and darling. I want her to be around these people...and to have a fondness of Kansas as well. By the time I'm headed back I find myself deep in thought. I'm happy to live in New York now--but Kansas, Lawrence especially, pulls on my heart strings so much that I can barely take it.

I sought out a place for myself to have a family away from the pull of...well, anyone that ties me to the past. I made it here and I'm happy. I struggled to carve out a place for myself. If around my friends and family, I tend to lean into their lives and sort of forget about what I may want to do alone. I do well just escaping into other people's lives. I mold into whatever they are...because I like them so much. I am a co-dependent. Yes. That's really the gist of it. I struggle with it and always have. It's an addiction. Isn't that weird? I get addicted to people. Strong personalities, especially. Jason has the magical power of being stable, comfortable and somewhat detached. He has a hard time allowing himself to need people--even his family. I know he trusts and loves me--but he rarely shows his true self to anyone else. He's a loner. He makes it possible to create my own world for me and he doesn't invade. He's supportive of anything I want to do, but is never pushy. It's interesting who we find ourselves married to. Either you think, "Gosh, he is perfect for me" or "What was I thinking?" Of course, if we're honest--we say both things sometimes.

more ramblings at another time.

Sense memory.

Sometimes the lighting of a particular lamp will take me back to my childhood. The way the shade creates a warm amber glow-- I'm 5 again. Sometimes it's the sound of snow, the look of shadows on the carpet, the sound of a lawn mower. I have a memory bank that is filled with sounds and sights that create comfort. I love the sound of a tent zipper. I love hearing a basketball bouncing on concrete. I love sun shining on the carpet. My childhood had its share of yuck--any child of divorce does. However, I have a lot of happiness as well. I was lucky to have amazing grandparents that created a world of love and acceptance. I have very open minded parents that didn't acknowledge small town ideas or biases. I focused a lot on what I didn't have in previous years. I struggled with some family relationships--but I think a lot of teens do. I used the wounds of youth as my excuse for not achieving, not doing and not caring. Now, I realize (as only adulthood can bring) how lucky I was. I grew up in a small town. It was safe. I had educated parents. Yes, occasionally they acted selfishly, but we all do as adults at times. I had a great first love--it came with ups and downs and heartbreak--but it was enough to sustain a lifetime of memories and good feelings. I was very lucky to have the friends from that small town--not at all like characters that are portrayed in movies--ignorant, backwoods fools.

I spent my life, it seems, trying to escape Kansas and all of the hard feelings I felt as a kid. Things aren't perfect there. I wanted to create my own little world to raise my kids in. I wanted to take all of the happy parts of childhood and get away from the constant reminders of the things that didn't turn out quite as well. I admit to trying to create something that matches what my dream-like scenario would have been as a kid. I want the streets and the houses and the town to look a certain way. I want a certain feeling. I want to create a kind of movie set for Z's childhood to take place. I want to stage memories so they are perfect-- like, my own personal Truman Show. That's impossible. But it doesn't mean I don't still try. Already--some of those memories I would have loved for her to have are ruined. I loved hearing the mower next door. I found comfort knowing Bill was mowing the yard. I knew that if I stepped out for a moment, he would smile and waive and turn off the mower to chat. He was a friendly, safe and comforting presence. He, Melissa and Paige were suppose to live next door and come over on the weekends and grill and laugh and talk with us. Z was suppose to grow up with those memories of her parents and their friends--and how kind everyone was to her. They were suppose to create a safe place for her to grow up. Now Bill is gone. When I hear a mower next door, it just makes me sad because I know it's not him. I more than hate that.

All these thoughts pour out because I saw that glow of a lampshade in a certain color in a scene of a movie. Our minds are amazing things. I might be just a little a bit more affected by things--but I'm happier for it. I'm thrilled that at 37, I can hear a lawn mower in the neighborhood and feel as happy as I did knowing it was my dad in the backyard when I was 10. It was comforting somehow. Everything was right in the universe--because the grass was being mowed. (?)

Saturday

The house is a complete disaster. There are dishes piled in the kitchen. There is laundry unfolded in 3 rooms. We don't have much food--a grocery store run needs to happen. I'm a little nauseous...well, a lot. However, we did dye eggs. Z went to her music class and then to the playground this morning. I showered. I got to see The Hunger Games last night. (read the book) I spent time with Melissa last night.
The sun is shining--oh well, it's chilly.

I'm going to count today a win. The house is a loss, but who really cares. You won't see it.

Tonight--early bedtime and a new start tomorrow.

i need a new therapist. but for today, you'll do.

For the past month or so, I feel my days have had no shape or structure. It's starting to wear on me. I don't make firm plans for anything because I never know how I will be feeling. Hopefully I am nearing the end of being sick. I've also been disconnected from friends and myself. I was so worried about things not working out that I put a lot of distance between me and the baby. My shock of losing the last one made me completely disconnect from any ideas of having another and I spent a year questioning what to do. I am weak in that regard. (Well, in many) Now that I am nearing the 12th week, I'm feeling better about things and am trying to get back to normal. I've been in a fog. I've spent almost zero times with friends and have been pretty much housebound. To the unknowing eye--I was in a deep depression, maybe. No. But I do admit to switching to auto pilot and not playing an active role in my own life. My way of dealing with stress isn't healthy. I used to plunge into things, feeling so much I would drown. And as a drowning victim, I now sit out of the water and don't go near it. I've been slow to understand the healthy way. I have plenty of healthy examples around me--but I can't seem to do it. I lived in my feelings in the past. That is also paralyzing. I really need to figure this out.

Anyway, so I've decided to start getting back to the self I was a few months ago. I need structure again. I need to have some type of schedule. I need to get back to the gym. I need to start doing chores on a regular basis again. I need to make lists and cross things off--have some type of proven productivity. I need to start dressing for the day again instead of living in my night clothes. We've been living on take out and delivery for long enough. Jason hasn't complained. He just says it's hard to see me so sick and that he's never seen me go through anything like it before.

Most importantly, we need to start getting excited and prepared for the baby. We can't be scared to be close. We can't shy away from loving in fear of losing.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how I go about protecting myself emotionally. I made some comment about the roofer next door on FB and then I felt so bad about it--thinking it was disrespectful to Jason for me to act so silly about it. I protect myself a lot when it comes to marriage as well. I don't think Jason notices--or maybe he does. I make comments to girlfriends about things that I shouldn't. I think marriages go through many phases. I get scared during certain times. I feel lonely. He is busy working his job and getting his Master's degree. There isn't a lot of extra time just to sit and be together. Due to the relationship I had with my father growing up (a longer story, but it's okay now)--when I feel as if someone is closed off emotionally (or just very busy), I close up. I make jokes. I do anything I can to not feel rejected. I put up a wall. Another weakness to add to the list is to focus on my insecurities and fears and not take the time to see how the other is also suffering. Marriage can't be about seeing only your hurts. He is the one getting no sleep. Taking up the slack with Zoe when I am not feeling well. He works so hard all of the time. He needs just as much support. I admit, I need to work on that the most. I tend to take care of Z and myself--letting him slide thinking he'll be okay. We all need help and support and tenderness.

It is hard to be vulnerable. Well, for me. Sadly, childhood wounds are not healed. You'd think after so many years of therapy, they would be. But, no. It seems I have no control over the ways my psyche goes about self preservation. That is, if I don't acknowledge it. My inner child takes over. At 37, I have much to work on. I have so far to go. And this post seems to just be me missing my therapist. I haven't had the heart to get one here. I loved the one I had in Chicago.  It might be time.

short lived

Well, yesterday's blissful feeling lasted only half of the day--but it's a start. I feel good again this morning. The evenings are when things get dicey. And last night Z was suffering with a cough all night. I slept with her and gave her medicine throughout the night and comforted her. She didn't sleep well. Neither did I. But, it's a new day. The lack of sleep didn't send me into a vomiting frenzy this morning, so I'll take a little fatigue.

Sadly, because last night wasn't so great, I didn't get to read in my book. I'm finishing The Hunger Games. My friend Lisa told me to read it a long time ago. I started, finished half of the book and then life got in the way. I just picked it up again to read it before I see the movie and I'm enjoying the second half a lot more. (Though the first half was good, too.) I'm excited to finish and read the other two. It's one that is hard to put down.

We have Little Gym this morning. It's chilly--but we have clear skies. By the time the weather warms up I think the sickness will be gone and life will be worth living again.

Brand New Day

I don't want to jinx it but I woke up this morning feeling great. No sickness whatever. Just feel normal--which I took for granted before. We all say we take our health for granted all of the time. It just takes feeling a bit off for a long time to realize how great you had it before. The sun is shining. It's chilly, but I'm willing to risk it for a walk. Please let this be the end of it. I'm so ready to be a happy person again.

I'll keep you posted.