cabin fever

It is hotter than hell out. Not as hot as it can be in Kansas...but for Rochester, it's hot. It hit 100 on my thermometer. We're headed to the neighbors to swim in the morning. If you can, you should always move next door to someone with a pool--that way you don't have to do anything with it, but then you can be invited to pool parties.

I should get preggo swim suit tomorrow. I am going to get sun this summer. I may be a whale, but I am sick of being white. I did buy 70 SPF though today.

Father's day was nice. We went to the beach for the day. I sat in a chair and was deadbeat mommy while they played. (Bitch session--) My back is killing me and I'm exhausted and I'm big. Ok, that's enough. October seems a long time away.

I want someone to come dye my hair and give me a mani pedi. I'd also like teeth whitening and a massage. Is this too much to ask?

Our trip to Lake Placid is very soon. I'm clinging to it. I love it there. It is beautiful. I just want some new scenery soon.

A margarita would be heavenly.

Well, after two housebound days, I got Z out yesterday to an indoor playground. We'd never been there before. She LOVED it. She's totally unaware of her age or size and plays on everything the big kids do. Even if the step is up to her chest, she spends the time (about 15 minutes) to figure out how to get up and go. After she mastered the technique, she was everywhere in that place. She is not afraid of anything and does not look to me for help. She is so independent--more than I am.

Today we have Little Gym. It forces me to get out. I'm really not such a home body all of the time. But pregnancy is bringing out all my blueness. I keep complaining on here thinking it will all bleed out.

It is gorgeous out. Sunny--high of 70. I cleaned up the upstairs and vacuumed. Nicole, our nanny, is coming today for a couple of hours. I  have errands to do and Z is VERY happy about it. I always liked my babysitters as a kid. I hid from them right off the bat and they found me when they came in. I still remember that.

I am ready for guests and family members. I think they will take my mind off of myself. I tend to get horribly self centered. I am going to reach out to the two moms that gave me their info today though. I will!! I would like someone to go to the beach with.

Whining a bit.

Today I miss having a desk job. I'm not so great at the stay at home mommy thing. Z will soon go to a preschool 2 days a week and I feel she will thrive there. I'm looking forward to the baby. I'm wondering if my pregnancy is part of the problem--the sickness, the fatigue, the blahness. I make sure I am extra sweet to Z--but I should also probably try to work on activities for her and such. I'm a home body right now. I have no energy.  My other thought is that I need to network more. I've had two moms give me their number so we can hang out and I haven't done anything about it. I'm like a bad date. I should rally. I should get more friends. I should stop being such a loner.

The rain is pouring down today. Yesterday, it was sunny and hot. I actually got some sun! I ordered a couple of swim suits for my rounding body yesterday. We'll see if that gets me going to the pool. Am I depressed? I don't feel it....not really. Hmmm. Is this just the hormones?

I think I'll clean and check back later. I'm not feeling a 100% fun.

ok, I'm back (5 mins later)
I think a good idea for me is that I need to have more of a structured day. I need to plan it out...say, 9-9:30 work on letters, have a set time for reading books, have a set time for coloring, etc. Set it up like a work day. Maybe that would help me stay on task. I could have a set time when I clean and a set time when I work with Z on things.

Am I over thinking this???

Is the art of conversation lost?

We are all too busy. It's my thought of the week. Maybe we always have been? It was topped off by Jason rushing out the door this morning for a week in San Fran and didn't have time to say goodbye. He's apologized many times over the phone and text since...but it did hurt my feelings. Of course, he also had a major conversation with his sister over text yesterday when I felt it should be over the phone. I am not upset with him...but the world in which we live now allows those who are uncomfortable with certain conversations to text and not have to deal. Jason cuts himself off from the world at times--as we all do. I dive into a book or a movie and don't come up for air sometimes. We escape into what's comfortable for us. But, before TV and computers and cell phones...didn't people HAVE to talk to one another? They wrote letters, talked on the phone or just went to see that person. High Schoolers text--they don't talk. It's so odd to me. My friendships are based on LOTS of talking and note passing. I memorized their handwriting. It was a part of them. I memorized their phone numbers. I still have them memorized. Does anyone know anyones phone number anymore?

We are getting away from it all. And it's only going to get worse. I've thought about disconnecting from FB. I haven't decided. I'm just hormonal and thinking very deeply into everything.

I got an email today from one of my dearest friends who I haven't spoken to in months. It was nice to hear she was thinking of me...but I was still upset that we hadn't talked. Is this just a busy time of our lives--the child bearing years? I'm not sure. It just makes me sad.

we are all too damn busy

Cell phones and FB are convenient, yes--but they are taking away the meat of my friendships. It's my fault I let them. It's a fake closeness. No one TALKS on the phone anymore, they just text. No one sends letters much anymore...they send a message on FB. I think it's a great way for a mass announcement or mass support. But--for one on one, it sucks.

I miss my friends. I miss talking to them. I miss when life was less busy and we were able to just sit and talk for long periods of time. I'm just emotional and irritated. Some of my good friends I haven't heard from in such a long time...ARE WE REALLY THAT DAMN BUSY???!! life is too short. make an effort.

Let the sun shine in

There are days when we are not our best selves. But, fortunately, I have Z who holds up a mirror. I was cranky and awful this morning--horribly tired and nauseous. But, she is resilient and told me it was ok. She laughed, "wow mom...you really are tired." She found it funny and I felt foolish.

The sun burst through today after days of gray. I needed it.

Sometimes I become so focused on myself and how I'm feeling, I forget the hell others go through. My friend just lost both her parents in a car accident this past weekend and SHE is really going through something awful. I need to remember that I'm going to get through whatever crap I'm feeling--but my little family is doing well.

And the sun is shining.

Just heard some horribly sad news.

Some have too much sadness and shock in their lives. It's just inconceivable.
Love those around you the best you can.

Evergreen

Rain again today. It rained all weekend as well. We focused on our in-door jobs and got some things accomplished. Our closet is now somewhat organized. It's been a disaster for months. Just awful. I was pretty out of it yesterday. Woke up sick and it never quite went away. Saturday I wasn't sick at all. Finicky baby.

Been talking to some friends with lots of changes going on in their lives. Our life seems somewhat slow out here. I'll take it. I feel as if I'm sometimes in the audience watching others' lives roll out. I watch their ups and downs. I think about them. I cry for them. I think about how much was going on with them in the past years when I was checked out. Today is a day for reaching out. There are a couple of friends that have a hard time ever contacting me. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've had this role. Some I've let go. Some I refuse to let go.

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. We got married on a cruise ship somewhere near the Bahamas. Weird. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy the day more instead of freaking out so much. We need to go do it again someday. Our day/week is busy, so I'll write him a letter and we'll celebrate when we have time. I'm fine with that.

Yesterday, I found a box of old emails and such. They were all from 1998-99. I actually printed a TON out from different people and put them into a 3 ring binder. Reading them was sort of surreal. It was good to see how creative I was--and reminded me that I need to do more creative writing. It was nice to see that most of the people (all except for 1), I'm still in constant contact with. I was 23. A romantic and idealist and very emotional. Not a lot has changed. Z will get a kick out of reading them one day. I have a feeling she will be more mature than I was then. (it wouldn't be hard) But, I had good friends and had lots of good times. My life is a full one.

Whistling...

Well, today is better. It always is. And the pm of yesterday was much better than the am. My mood swings seem to keep things interesting. The cool winds and gray skies are somewhat relaxing really. I'm feeling ok and ready to work. Already threw away some toys of Z's that were in need of pitching. She didn't notice. I'd love to throw away most of them...but I won't. I'm going to start clearing out the play room and figure out a way to make it into a bedroom for the two kids. I'm going to have them share a room. I've polled most of my friends and the consensus is that the kids like it. I'm looking forward to it. We need to get Z back into her own bed. She's been sleeping with us for about 3 months now. I don't mind...but she'll be better off in her own bed.

The rain is going to wash away our weekend. Maybe it will allow us to get some indoor jobs done. (While our outside grows and grows)

Alright, back to work while I still want to do it.

Second Year Blues

This poem is from my friend, Ronda. It deals with a great loss she had last year...

I've got the 
second year blues
What I've heard about 
missing you is true 
The first year 
the news hit low
I missed you so
I almost went 
out of my head
But the children 
needed to be fed
I managed to pay bills
made the bed
we once slept 
in together 
This second year 
is like no other 
Reality of life 
without your voice
words to guide, direct 
leave me lost
Mourning you 
with tears, poetry
I say words to 
you in my head 
I miss your smile 
and touch so much
This second year 
I run frantic 
panic with the 
loss of you
What shall I do 
this entire 
year without you--Ronda Miller, Lawrence, Kansas

A bad morning does not mean there has to be a bad afternoon.

That is my mantra today. My hormones are all over the place. I'm exhausted and horribly cranky and totally annoyed with myself. Everything seems out of control. It's a good day to be a hermit and fix yourself. No one needs to be around negativity.

I need to meditate. I need to get over myself.

CTFO

I'm a bit high strung. I need to relax. To me it seems that you don't need alcohol quite as much as during pregnancy. Oh well. My hormones are all over the place. My thoughts are either lost or everywhere. I am anxious/hyper or exhausted and past out.

The landscapers came today. They were suppose to be here yesterday, but things happen. They went to Melissa's  yard and started setting up shop--I had to go get them to move to our yard. That would have been a disaster. Her yard already looks perfect...wonder what they would've done exactly. Our yard (after 2 hours) is starting to take shape again. I'm sure they were like, "uh...do you guys do ANYTHING??!" Uh, no. We don't. Thanks. That's why you are here.

It's a day to try to stop being annoyed at everything and everyone. It doesn't help a thing. I'm listening to a jazz station to try to chill my shit out. What a bad example I am.

weeds

We had the deck roof taken off today. It was rotted and full of bugs...something right out of a horror movie. Now our deck looks so much bigger and a lot sunnier. You can see so much more of the trees. I dig it. The landscapers are coming today as well. Along with the horror movie theme--our yard. The trees are overgrown, the weeds out of control. We mow, but that's about all we do. I have a new found respect for great landscaped yards. They take a lot of work.

Wouldn't it be great to have something like that done with our psyches? I suppose some would say shock treatment is the same. I don't want to remove it all--just my bad habits, bad memories and occasional pessimism. 

time to get out.

This morning Z and I are headed to Wickham farms for Tales and Tails. They read a story and then bring out an animal for the kids to pet. It's still a bit chilly, but it's suppose to be a warmer day. I'm ready. I flourish in warm weather--much like a tomato. :)

The week has been low key. We are planning our trip to Chicago--trying to figure out each day without over planning and being miserable trying to stick to a schedule. It's our 5 yr anniversary. It is definitely an interesting thing--marriage. You learn a lot more about yourself than you think. I thought marriage was about being with someone else...focusing on them...building your life side by side. For me it's been about learning about us as individuals. We're partners in life...helping each other through it instead of googling over each other like it is in dating. You see how each of you struggle and how you make it through. It's a great lesson in being human. Before, I was pretty focused on myself--now, I am almost taking a Master's class in someone else's journey. It can be cool to watch--and easier on you if you think of it that way. The first year was the hardest for me. I never realized how much I though only of myself--it was hard to include someone else in my plans. Even when I dated...I had MUCH more alone time. Now, going to Kansas without him is somewhat a relief for me. "Oh yeah...I know how to do this!" It's nice for him to come for a while and then leave. (awful??) I just like to have one on one with my friends--it's hard to have good convos with too many people about.

Chicago will be nice. Z will stay in Cleveland and we can focus on each other...and eating. Chicago has such great food. We're staying at The Drake--we like the vibe there. It's old school. We've stayed there once before and I felt like my grandparents would turn the corner at any minute as young people. It was like we were back in time. So cool.

Okay, time to be an exemplary mom and take my child out into the chilly morning to see farm animals with all of the other happy, smiley, annoying mothers!


Sidenote: Jason spent his new watch/road bike budge on Facebook stock this morning. I'll let you know if we become millionaires. We've made $100 so far.

Mary Poppins would be ideal...

Cloudy day so far. I woke up ill, but am better now. Today I need to get some things done. (I don't know why I feel this is necessary to say...) Being a stay at home mom makes you feel as if you need to be prove your productivity. (at least I feel that way) So far, I haven't even poured a cup of coffee. I've been looking over facebook and chatting with a friend online. Z is (again) watching tv.

I watched Inside Actor's Studio--Mad Men last night. I rationalized my daughter's tv addiction (and mine). Whereas some of the actors didn't watch tv at all as kids...others were addicted and it sparked their creative minds as well. (Okay, now she is playing in her room, I feel better...I turned off the tv)

Yesterday I taped up a calendar and marked off the events of the summer. Today I'm going to tape up the events of the city and options for Z. I feel as if I could see them easily, I would do more. It's my way of getting more organized and feeling more like a good mommy. I struggle with that. I have friends who seem like they were born good moms. I struggle. Not with the love part--I'm good at love and cuddling and silliness--I'm not so great all of the time with the activities. I want to go to an art store on Wed (nanny day) and get her some art supplies that we can do outside on the deck. Get this girl's creative juices flowing. Now that she is 2--and the baby stage is over...it's time to challenge her a bit. And, I feel I will be inspired as well. I will be a little lenient that my lack of enthusiasm has somewhat to do with the fact that my energy is running out my toes constantly--but I can still try.

It's the mental struggles of motherhood. Am I doing enough for her? Am I discipling well? Am I giving her good self esteem--I'm going to say yes on that one. She isn't shy and isn't afraid of anything. She is a bit (a lot) bossy and she's learned the ways of female manipulation already. It's frightening, really.

I'm not school teachery--I've always struggled with the happy-kindergarten teacher thing. My parents were never that way. My friends just seem to have the knack for it. (of course many were early education students) I look forward to the teen years of introducing her to films and art. I look forward to the talks. At this stage, I just want to bring in someone sunshiny and filed with energy to get  her to that point. Until then...I'll have to rely on my silliness.

Not exemplary.

I contemplated not blogging today...not sure how it will go. My head is pounding. I am exhausted today. It feels like an alien instead of a baby today. It is sucking all of my life source and I am left with almost nothing. I just want to sleep all day.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, was very nice. The entire weekend was. I was spoiled and felt loved. Jason was very kind to me and took Z for most of the time and they created gifts for me--flowers were in the mix as well. It was one for the books. But today you'd think I was super busy both days.

We did have a date night. We saw Dark Shadows--fun, beautifully shot and a definite escape from reality. The colors were gorgeous. He has a shot at the end that I found really breathtaking. I love Tim Burton...and Johnny...it was good.

I have a to do list that isn't getting done. I feel the baby moving. They are probably wondering why I'm so quiet today. TV is babysitting Z. I'm doing a great job of mothering--HA! Right after a day celebrating it. Ridiculous. I need someone to swoop in and take this girl to the park while I crash for a bit.

I need to rally.

I wish I liked sushi.

My wishes today.

I wish I'd gone with Bill to the farmer's market downtown so I'd know how to get there and such. And I would've had that memory.

I wish I hadn't cut my hair so short.

I wish I'd started baking earlier in life.

I wish I'd been smarter about things and therefore not get so irritated when I see that foolishness in others.

I wish I would've gone further with my film degree.

I wish I understood why bad things happen.

Yesterday it was a gorgeous day. I sat out with Melissa next door and enjoyed the sun. Jason came over for a bit and even Z kicked around the soccer ball in her yard. Bill was missing.

The ones we love will always be missing. I don't know what happens after we die, but all I can hope for is to see all of the people I miss on a daily basis. I want it to be a reunion. But I want all of our spirits to be there. Bill shouldn't have to wait for Melissa to join him. Time should be irrelevant. Grandparents should have to wait for their grandchildren. Love connects all of us. It should continue to connect us. We should be able to be with our lost children.

A random thought process, I apologize. It's just that loss never goes away.

The sun is lighting up my Japanese maple and I'm thankful for how beautiful it makes my window. All we can do is try to see the beauty of each day--and do our best to be as happy as we can for ourselves and for those around us.

It's BLT's for lunch today. That makes me so happy I could pop. I'm off to the grocery store.

On a side note, I watched Breaking Dawn last night. Awful. One of the worst. Then I watched Young Adult. I suppose it was a good film, but it was so damn depressing I couldn't appreciate it. It was awkward and frustrating...well done by Charlize. Ugh.

A good day.

It was a cloudy day. I felt relief from it. The air was calm and warm. Rain came later, but until then it was just relaxing. I got some projects done I needed to do. I got quotes for some demolition work we need done and some landscaping. The neighbors on the street are stepping up their game as far as landscaping and house upkeep--we realized we probably should do the same. Plus, it feels so good to be proud of your home instead of a bit embarrassed by it.

Z is still working on her bedtime. Kansas really messed her up. She had a few yawns at 7...that's progress. We are slowly going to get her back on track--it takes a while.

I'm getting back on track myself. I felt almost organized today. I started listening to an audio book--don't laugh--Prime Time by Jane Fonda. It is not intended to be read by someone my age. I realize that. However, I still find it very useful. She speaks from so much life experience and I think the lessons should be learned now...instead of waiting. Plus, it gives me some insight into my parents. I think that's important as well. I'm ready to be older and wiser. This stage of life is damn hard. It's by far the hardest stage yet. I suppose when Z is a teenager, I will wish these years back. I really can't imagine it. It's very obvious that she is going to give us a run for our money in every stage of her life. She has no fear. She is extremely confident and bright. I see good things for her. She will be fun to watch and learn from.

I think I'll make some tea and relax a bit. I have some cards to write, some lists to create and some hair to dye.

Movie Post

Movies that move me...Part one.

To chill and relax:
Lost in Translation

The best in theatre movie experiences: (I keep adding to this...some great movies!)
The English Patient
The Goonies
Moulin Rouge (Probably the best...)
The Matrix
Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Pan's Labyrinth
Seven
The Ring
The Dark Knight
The Strangers (I was horribly afraid...)
Life is Beautiful
Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Pulp Fiction
The Abyss


The ones I laughed the loudest in the theatre:
Flirting with Disaster
Wedding Crashers

When I want to feel like myself:
Help
A Hard Day's Night
When Harry Met Sally
The Big Chill


When I'm lonely:
The Family Stone
Home for the Holidays
One True Thing
Sex and the City- The Movie
Practical Magic
Something's Gotta Give
Chantilly Lace

When I want to feel something:
The English Patient--my all time favorite.
Out of Africa
The Way We Were
Moonlight and Valentino
High Fidelity
The Color Purple
Schindler's List
The Myth of Fingerprints
The Ice Storm

To be inspired:
Shakespeare In Love
The Wonder Boys
Sliding Doors

When I want to get lost in it:
Gone with the Wind
Godfather 1 and 2
JFK
Amadeus
Bourne Trilogy
Star Wars Trilogy- 4,5,6
Lord of the Rings Trilogy

When I want to laugh:
Clue
Anchorman
Best in Show
Tootsie
Wedding Crashers
Flirting with Disaster
The Birdcage

When I'm missing my mom:
Notting Hill
The Way We Were
The Sound of Music
Mary Poppins
All the Presidents Men
Noises Off
Out of Africa
Gandhi
9 to 5

When I'm missing my dad:
Lawrence of Arabia
Absolute Power
The Outlaw Josey Wales
The Sound of Music
Seven

To feel like a teenager:
Reality Bites
Heathers
Dream A Little Dream
Say Anything
The Breakfast Club
Pretty in Pink
Goonies
Top Gun
The Lost Boys
Pump Up The Volume
St. Elmo's Fire

I'm back

Z and I got back from Kansas late Monday night. It's taken until now for me to get organized enough to write again. The trip was probably a little much for a 2 year old, but she kept up and although she was totally exhausted, she did very well 90% of the time. We had 2 major meltdowns. The biggest took place at the KC Zoo--where I didn't recognize her at all because she was out of her mind screaming and bawling and almost caused me to break down myself. My friend Lisa was cool as a cucumber and wasn't phased. (She has four kids.) Again, I am in awe of how she manages to seem so relaxed with 4 and I'm a anxiety freak with only one. Maybe after a second will give me perspective.

Perspective is something I always gain by going to Kansas. I see snapshots of my friends and families' lives and it's fascinating. Two of the friends I saw are suffering from severe health conditions. Neither of them were beat down by it. Both were upbeat and cracking jokes at their expense. They are not defined by their illnesses. They are real about it. They aren't in denial. They are just not going to be victims. I feel as if I fall victim to small things in comparison. It was a good lesson for me.

It always takes me weeks to fully decompress after being gone. I think about the experiences I had. I think about how each person deals with their lives. I think about how I would handle it in their situations. I think about how much we've all grown. I think about how we all got to the places we are. I think about the decisions we made early on and how they continue to affect us. (This is a lot of thinking) I suppose most people don't dive into the deep end of their friends' thought processes and lives. But, I've always learned most from other people and I almost analyze these observations as if I'm in a life class of sorts. I had moments of "oh yes...this is what it was like to be with you..." and "Why aren't I closer?" I expected those thoughts. The main thing that all of the families' I visited had in common was that life can be really hard. It can beat you down. The differences came in how each of them faced it. I do need to be stronger. I do need to be more positive and brave. I do need to understand that there are going to be times of great difficulty and if I give into it--I'm done. These aren't mind blowing observations--but to see it in real life  being played out was much better than reading it in some book. Some let the blows of life slowly shut down parts of their insides--others have let it blow them open and are more open to life than before. Some of the people I saw were dimly lit. Others burned bright with hope and resilience. I want to be an example of the latter.

Some are just better at life than others. Some just bounce back better. Some just have some great wisdom that comes from nowhere--they were born with it. We all can change. I can change. I spend time with these people and it makes me want to be a better person. I suppose I hide out in NY somewhat. But, it's easier for me to process it all from far away. I didn't appreciate my friends as much when I was geographically closer to them. I took the lessons for granted.

I continue to find more things in myself that I need to fix than what I'm satisfied with. I'm happy with the fact that at least I recognize them.