I've been gone. sort of.

I'm back now. I had family in for 5 weeks. So, I became a full time maid and cruise director and didn't have time to write.

So many things to reflect on and discuss. Geesh. Here is a quick list of things I either learned or had reemphasized in the last 5-6 weeks.

1. You may share blood...and nothing else. Isn't that odd??
2. I have a hard time carving out time for myself with others are around.
3. I  need to let my daughters fight their own battles, but I really want to solve all of their problems myself.
4. I need more therapy.
5. I need to work on my fear of conflict, especially if it is needed.
6. #4 covers a lot of my issues I've discovered in myself.


Some random thoughts:

1. Watched House of Cards on Netflix and LOVE IT!!!
2. I've started reading a book on parenting a strong willed child so that I don't ruin my relationship with Z.
3. At one time I lived without a dishwasher...ours broke and I went nuts the first day. Talk about a 1st world problem!
4. I'm starting with a trainer at my gym soon. Jason and friends did Tough Mudder in Buffalo and I backed out due to fear of breaking my body. Watching them, I was filled with regret. Next year...I totally want to do it.
5. I'm tired of being fearful. I need to face some things head on.


More to come...
It feels good to be back!!

happy for no reason it seems

It's harder for me to write every day. ugh. Today it's raining...and will be for the next several days. The next clear, sunny day is forecasted for July 5th. geesh.

my mood is good, though. i'm in a great mood today for some reason. i've been stressed out for days. i don't know what the change is, but i'll take it. how out of touch i am with myself that when i am in a great mood, i don't even know why. that's messed up.

jason's birthday is today. he's 36. we'll celebrate tomorrow night. Moe's or wings...and World War Z. He's a zombie lover.

my family arrives on sunday or monday. we're quickly doing house projects. new lights, new door, new faucets. we do most of our home renovations during july. it stresses j out that people will be here during all of the work--but he has a vision of how things should be. if he could totally redecorate the entire house before anyone visited, he would. whacko.

the girls are great. Harper is such a darling. she makes the sweetest noises. Z is really into fort making. yesterday she was all about making paper fans and doing japanese fan dances. She loves Phillip Phillips. She cracks me up.

Well, there's much to be tidied up. I guess I should get to it.

Here is Will's story.

Again, click on link...

http://youtu.be/VihMT-RRKnk

Pressure Man--Will Gray.

my friend, Reva is playing banjo...and is a back up singer.

I'm having a hard time with the injustice of cancer. it's taken dear friends before. I don't even know Will personally. maybe it's because I'm older. maybe because I have children. Yes, I think that's it. How will I explain why these thing happen? He's not gone. I don't mean to write as if he is. He's just so ill and nothing can really be done except to hope and pray.

http://goteamgray.com/

#goteamgray

song birds

http://youtu.be/LqoROX6lZm4

click on the link because the damn video upload won't work.

Sometimes, it's just too much

Tonight, I'm overwhelmed. Been following a friend of a friend's progress with cancer online for a while now. I saw him perform with my friend, Reva about 4 years ago in Washington, D.C. Jason and I have followed his music ever since. He is young, talented, kind and a devout christian. I don't go to church and it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk religion most times. Jesus Christ isn't someone I feel like I know. He does. His wife does. They are true followers of the Christian religion. And he's dying. I'm not. For some reason, that screws me up. I know this makes no sense. My friend, Bill, that died at 40 was an atheist. That shit doesn't matter. Bill was one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I just feel odd reading things about young, talented, artistic people who are doing things with their talents...and have such horrible tragedy in their lives. I just read an article tonight about Michael Hastings. He was a writer and a contributor to Rolling Stone. He's dead at 33 after a car accident. WTF. I know this shit happens every day. I know that. Tonight, it is too much for me. I feel as if I'm sitting on a log doing nothing and surviving while others are putting their talents out into the world and getting fucked. you know??

Look up Will Gray. Broke*--the documentary. Go to www.goteamgray.com and see what you think.
Watch this:

https://vimeo.com/67914803

The back up singer is my friend, Reva. They are magical together.

I'm just overwhelmed with these thoughts tonight. I will go kiss my girls and go to bed.

I don't get life. I really don't.

maybe a nap is needed.

The sun is shining and it is just under 80 degrees. It is beautiful. My mood should be better. I'm just sort of blah. I hate when you feel blue and have no idea why. J left for an overnight business deal. Whenever he drives, I always freak out. I'm trying to stop doing that--but it is hard.

We are celebrating our 6th anniversary on Friday night. I got the reservations. A new place. Probably over priced. Maybe we shouldn't go so fancy, I don't know. It seemed appropriate.

There are days when you wish the world would pause so you could get your bearings. This is one of those days. What the hell is wrong with me??

girls and heros

The summer is finally getting here, though I'm writing and it's only 64 degrees. It's a nice morning. It's been raining for days--with a beautiful sunny break yesterday. We took family pics in our yard. They are going to be so great to have. Jason HATES getting his picture taken and belly ached for days leading up to it...but he pulled through just fine and ended up liking the process. That's how it goes normally--he dreads social situations and then is fine during the event. It sort of drives me nuts--but I suppose there are reasons for his anxiety and I'll have to just deal with it. He deals with my weeks of anxiety leading up to a trip back home. Same thing.

The girls are doing well. Harper is trying so hard to crawl, but isn't getting anywhere very quickly. She rolls her way to everything. Z is a nice mixture of darling and aggravating. She is so head strong. She is just like her parents--fatigue does not bring out her best side. I love these girls. I'm so anxious to see their friendship grow. Right now they adore each other...I know this will be an up and down thing.

I'm looking into taking a class through Writers and Books. Mom and Wendy are coming in for July, so I think we'll take it together. This is the run down...

A Hero's Journey:Ever wonder why great films have such power to move you? Countless contemporary and classic films draw their storytelling power from mythic structuring and the archetypes we interact with in our own life journey. In this workshop we will break down some of the most beloved films in cinema to show the dramatic impact that mythic structuring & the hero’s journey has over all genres of film.

I want to take a writing class, too, but this one will be fun.

Here are two shots from yesterday:

I'm Mad

I'm obsessed with Mad Men. I could watch it all day. I love the time period. I love the characters. I love the advertising. I love the fashions. I love their reactions to historical events-- It's as if I'm watching family members back in the day- and how they could have reacted. And, since I was not alive yet, I watch their tvs and have similar reactions. I find it fascinating.

I have a great idea for a hotel in Vegas. Each floor (starting with the 1920s) is a decade. On each floor, you could shop in a vintage shop, all tvs (when invented) would show programming from that decade. Each would have its own movie theatre showing films of the day. Each would have foods popular at that time--or restaurant replicas of hot spots. They could have look-a-likes walking around of film stars of the day. (cheesy??) The whole thing would be as if you walked back in time. You get off the elevator and it just is. Nothing telling you what decade...you'd have to figure it out yourself--unless you pre-booked your room in the 1960s. Is that so cool?? Maybe it's just me. I'd go there.

Wait a minute.

It's been a while. I've been away. Now that I'm back I'm trying see if I can go into the summer with a new perspective. Kansas ended up being better than I expected. The life is different. It's familiar, but not the same. I missed how the town used to look and feel. It's just not the way I remembered. Well, it's just not the same. So many dead trees due to drought. So many deserted houses. So many houses that used to look nice...honestly, look like shit now. I'm not sure if it's because the pride in the town is gone or what. The HS is smaller. The kids don't care as much. It just sort of sucks.

I come home to my beautiful trees and my house that can never get clean. I'm home with my bed and my girls...and life is good. I'm not saying it isn't hard, it is. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Being a good parent is hard. But as I look out into my back yard...I'm comforted by the life I've created thus far for the girls. They are happy and healthy.

There are many things I'm pondering. I find myself just sitting and thinking. I know most don't even have the time to do that. Sometimes I just want to sit in the sun and think about nothing. It gets exhausting to keep trying to figure everything out. How do I feel about this? How can I be better at this? What can I do to make that better?

Time isn't slowing down for me to figure it all out.

There's no place like home.

I'm packing today. The girls and I leave tomorrow for Kansas by way of Cleveland. I have friends lined up to see when I arrive and I'm anxious for the conversations to come. I have a heavy heart about leaving here, but only because it is safe for me. At home, I tend to feel insecure and unsure. Here, I have my own issues, but they are mine...and I understand where my place is. I am the mom and the wife. I am the home owner and the one in charge of bed times and bath times. There, I am still the child of someone and worrying about whether I'm pleasing both (divorced) parents. Am I spending enough time? Am I being fair? I grew up worrying about it and I still do.

If I drop all of that away, I am look forward to showing Z my home town. It isn't what it used to be, but things always change. I look forward to spending time with my family and having them get to know my girls. I love my girls. Z is SO funny and smart and pretty. H is so loving and sweet. She is a cuddler. She is a smiler. They both laugh often. I feel that I've done something right because of that.

I look forward to hugging my dear friends and being a good listener for them. I want to make up for all the times I just wanted them to be there for me. I want to share our times and get their take on issues I'm having. I want to make sure we connect again.

This morning said she was excited about leaving. "I'm happy and I'm sad." (I get that.) "I'm sad we're not leaving today...but I'm happy we're going to go." I'm just going to listen to her. She is so optimistic and happy. What a great girl.

Letting go.

Spring is here. The sun is out. It is warm. The trees are in bloom. It's gorgeous. My nerves are still a bit raw, but that's just me, I guess.

I'm still anxious. I need to learn to meditate. There are a lot of things I need to learn to do. Different times of life require different tools to get through them.

Deep breaths are good.
Thinking positive thoughts.
Cleaning.
Realizing that you are good, just the way you are.
Out with the bad, in with the good.

I struggle. I'm not as comfortable in my skin as I'd like to be. I feel good as a mom. I need some work as a wife, daughter and friend. I feel I'm trying. Honestly, I feel that I try when others do not. There are a few people in my life that just don't reach out much (like for several months or years) and I'm tired. I have abandonment issues. It is hard for me to let people slip away. I may just have to do that. I can't be the one the continues to reach out. They have to put in some work, too. There are plenty that do. This is a hard realization. We are all busy. It seems that the people that  continue to make you feel important as life goes on...are the ones that deserve that energy.

Maybe later, after I've rested--I will reach out again and see what happens. It could be that I'm just ignoring the signs--"uh...I'm okay that we don't talk anymore." Okay...then I'll be okay with it as well.

Complicated and annoying.

I sit here, tired and wanting a nap. It isn't even noon yet. I slept decently last night. I think I'm in a bit of an escape mode. Been going to therapy with Jason and it sure makes you dig up a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily want to deal with. He goes to it like it's a class. He takes notes. He writes them up, edits them and prints them out. Sort of cute, I think. I go and listen and talk. I take nothing in. I don't write about it at all. I sit with the thoughts a lot. They make me tired.

Then there's the Kansas trip. One I always look forward to--but it also wears me out to think about it as well. I go back and try to connect again with the people I love for a short amount of time. It's exhausting. My friends are now mothers. We have children racing around. Our friendship grew in a time of quiet and self evaluation. Now, we have no time to really talk. I'm all about connecting and feeling connected. It's just tough right now. I want to feel as if we're in some time of life long class. It's ups and downs. The tests, the pop quizzes of shit just thrown at you. I want to check in with them. "How is it going for you?" "Are you figuring it out?" "Have you figured out how to get an A in here?"

I like to explore. But it makes me tired. So, I retreat into anything that I can. Movies are a big one. This past weekend we went to see A Place Beyond the Pines. Uhh...that was not an escape. It threw J and I both into thought. Man, that movie was like a novel. It was rich in story. It made you really think about what is truly important in being a parent. What about the type of person you are. What about how you provide for your child? What makes a "good" person/father. We've been talking about it ever since. It's fascinating. (At least for those who love film.) I recommend it.

Then there's the 20 year reunion. Ugh. How am I going to do that? You walk in, smile, pretend to feel interesting when you don't really feel interesting. You laugh at things that probably aren't funny to you. You want to be nice to people. You want them to like you. You want them to think you look good. You want them to think you've done something right. In this case, I suppose I will parade my hot husband and damn cute girls and let them just represent me. I will try to be funny...when I just want to sit down and talk deeply with people. I wanted to do that in HS, too--but no one wants to get deep at reunions. I HATE small talk. I can't stand the chit chat shit. And when I want to be me...I'll have to pull one of my close friends aside and talk--and then it will look as if I'm no social enough.

BLEH.

Not a teenage dream. At all.

So, one of the reasons I'm headed back to KS in May is for my 20 year class reunion. I've been to all of the other ones and it is...an interesting experience. I love seeing my girlfriends, but I struggle being back in SJ at times. Even though I loved my HS years, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. Whenever I go back, those feelings come back. I find myself hiding out at my parents house and keeping away from people in the TINY grocery store.

In Jr. High--7th grade year, to be exact, I was bullied. I had not a single friend. I spent as much time in my mom's classroom (she was a teacher in my HS) and hated the free period after lunch. It wasn't a cool time. I still have nightmares about it. Isn't that odd? I'm 38! Anyway, at the end of that year, I was befriended by someone on the "in crowd" and slowly, but surely, became friends with the rest. It was a strange time. I fear that I fell into bullying myself the next year to protect myself from being on the bottom again. Honestly, I can't remember. My friend, Toni and I were fighting because she was mean to me for a while...then I'm sure I was mean back--but we finally made amends (thank god) and were besties all through HS. I did notice that after her time of being at the "bottom"--she was never the same. She was guarded and although we were good friends, it was a noticeable difference. There was something that was just missing. People were mean and cruel to her...and it affected her. She had a harder exterior. She was distant. She was more independent. It affected me, too. I went the opposite direction--becoming pretty dependent on my friends. My ups and downs depended on their ups and downs. Even now, my dreams consist of my friends suddenly not liking me anymore and I don't know what to do to change their minds. whacko.

I'm recounting all of this because I started reaching out to people I thought were in my class senior year...to see if they were coming to the reunion. We're inviting ANYONE who has EVER been in our class from Kindergarten on...we are tiny, tiny class (23) and wanted more people to show up. One of the girls informed me that she transferred schools due to bullying. Uhh...I had no idea. My head was obviously up my ass. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to confront all of that, yet. UGH. How many other people had shitty times in HS and I just didn't notice? I was so into my friends and my boyfriend that I just didn't take time to pay attention. It is a sucky feeling. I understand where she is coming from. The people that bullied me...I still have grudges against. Even though I had a good group of friends--I was bullied by a select few until I graduated. I feel like if I ever saw them in St. John, they'd probably treat me the same. (I'm sure they wouldn't, but I feel that way.)

Some of my friends back then were bullies, too. Not the girls so much, but the boys. A few in particular, who were very nice to me...were absolute shits to other people. Some of this I just found out in the past year. I think I remember them being assholes...but I don't remember saying anything. I wish I had. My character was lacking.

I hate that reality.

So, I've been reaching out and trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. There is really only about 1 that I struggle being nice to--because he is STILL an asshole....but I will try. The guys in my class are mostly "good ol' boys"--there's not a ton of depth there. They were raised strict in religion and their parents were bullies, too. Bullies are everywhere. It's shocking to me...to be a parent and be a bully. ??? Uhh...did you not learn anything by having a child? Ridiculous and sad.

Still, I'm going to go in--feel insecure and nerdy--but be nice, smile and try to prove to myself that I've really grown up and that HS was a LONG time ago.

Focus.

So, I got on the scale this morning and almost croaked. I've been in a bit of a mood...sitting around and eating at night A LOT mood. The blues came upon me and so did the lbs. Not a ton, but enough for me to fit too snuggly in my jeans. This can't be. Summer is coming and I suppose to be in shorts at some point. ugh. So, I'm trying to lose the weight before my trip to Kansas. 28 days to lose 12 lbs. I can do it.

I need to turn my mood around. The sun is getting offended.  Yes, my mood caused me to retreat. I've been in my head a lot. I've been escaping in any way I know how. Getting up and moving will help. The endorphines alone should do something.

The world is a crazy place. I'm so tired of tragedies. I'm tired of useless deaths and injuries. I'm so tired of cruel, evil people. I'm tired of people losing their loved ones. I guess this will be continue. It will always be that way. It's always been that way. To be the mother of that 8 year old boy in Boston. To be the mother of any of those children in Newtown. I can hardly bare the thought of it.

Damn.

This is another point...it's time to get out of my blues. I don't have anything to be blue about. My life is good. My girls are safe and healthy. I need to focus.

Youth is wasted on the young

I'm doing my best to get into the spirit of Spring. I created a happy mix on 8tracks. (I find this brings out my inner teenager.) If there is sun, I'm trying to sit in it. I'm trying to get Harper some Vit. D. I'm looking forward to my trip to Kansas. I'm a little worried about traveling alone with the girls, but I can do it!! I don't want Z to feed off of my anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if I had so much anxiety (well, still) as a kid because my mom had so much and still does.

I'm channeling my inner teen a lot lately. I guess I shouldn't say teen, but younger self. I'm on a Party of Five marathon right now. (how much do l love that show?!) It takes me back. I like to take frequent trips back to my youth. It was a strange time, yes--but I feel very linked to it. I was able to express myself easier. As a mom, it is just harder to do that. As a teen/20, you are to act selfishly for the most part. You are able to explore and experience new things. Now, it's about other people. Are my kids happy/healthy? Is my husband happy? Is the house clean? Are we going about this in the right way?

It's just not as fun sometimes. My niece is headed to KU (University of Kansas) in August. I just want to live vicariously through her. What an exciting time. At that time in my life, almost everyone I loved was still alive. I realize that's a weird thing to think about, but I do. My friends were still around. My grandparents were still around. My body was fantastic. :) ha.

I'm also feeling nostalgic. Every time I'm about to go to Kansas I almost brace myself. "Okay, you know you love it here...but you are doing just fine in New York. This is a great place to visit."

I always want to move back when I'm there. So many of my dear friends are there--in the environment where we became friends. Powerful.

Enjoy the warmth. Embrace your youth. Email an old friend.

God. I just don't get it.

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends lost her father in a freak accident while fishing. She'd lost her brother when she was a teenager.

This is just another example of "what the hell is going on?" in my belief in God. Do I still believe? Yes. It is a different belief than the Christian belief, but I still believe. I just don't understand. I know people doubt all of the time. I know that I'm not the first and won't be the last to think--well, he must be "up there" but can't control a damn thing. How many people do I currently know are struggling in horrible depression, sickness, physical pain, poverty or loss? Many. It's true for the entire world. I know this. Becoming a mom has opened my eyes to seeing a lot more of what others go through. I was pretty damn selfish and self involved before. It seemed as if I was sad for people, but now I just feel overwhelmed by what they are going through. I wish I could help in some way. I wish I could pay the bills of my friends that are struggling. I wish I could nurse friends back to health. I wish I could just be there to hold the hands of people who are in pain.

I have close friends who are atheist. I understand where they are coming from. Jason is almost there. I think he's agnostic at this point. I used to be agnostic. I don't know why I'm not now. There is just something in me--faith?

We are not church goers. In fact, going to church freaks me out and I never feel comfortable there. I never really have. It doesn't bother me that other people go, I just don't want to. If the girls want to go--I will go with them. We will eventually take them to different kinds of churches so they can see what it is all about. We won't be raising Godless children...but I won't be pushing them into a particular faith either. I want them to believe in God. I think it could be comforting to them. Yet, when awful things happen...as they often do daily, you just continue to think--WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING???

My life is good. I have lost loved ones, yes. But, I am healthy, the girls are healthy, we are doing well. I just feel like people keep falling around me and I need to do something. Cursing God isn't going to do anything. I do feel as if the people that die are there waiting for me. That's how I get through a lot of things. I literally picture loved ones and friends all sitting around talking, playing cards, eating...just smiling and will be there to welcome me to the party. This is a simple vision, but I don't care. I feel like friends will introduce themselves to my grandparents and they will tell fun stories. It gives me comfort.

I lean away from The Bible or strict religious teachings--they seem to separate people and judge them. They seem to do a lot of harm at times. People cling to them to almost hate other people. (not everyone, but enough) I believe Jesus was kind to everyone. At least that's my recollection. He didn't say, "now look in this book--it says you're not doing it right." I don't know. I just want to treat others the way I'd want to be treated--I think he said that, too.

I can't make sense of anything. I don't understand anything. I will just continue to be as kind to people as I can. I will continue to do better in how I treat people. I will try to enjoy each day for what it is. I will try to comfort the best way I can.

my dream self.

I did work out today....then I came to see my mom sent me my girls cout cookies. damn. i love those cookies. i'm always dieting during girl scout cookie time. spring time hits and you just want to shed all of your extra clothes and weight. my muscles are sore, though I could have worked out harder. I'm not a real crazy work out girl. never have been. i go, i do what i need to do, i sweat, i go home. i can't do trainers. i can't do classes. i wish i could.

i'd love to do a yoga class. those people look really at peace, don't they?

my dream self would do yoga and meditate. she'd read a book a week. she'd be 10-12 lbs less than I am now. She'd be writing something...a book, play, poem. She'd have overseas travel plans booked. She'd write a letter a week and mail it. She'd always be smiling and positive. She'd laugh constantly, daily. She'd just be better.

i could always try...

Are you there God? It's me...

Today is filled with so may emotions coming from all different directions. I feel sadness, frustration and helplessness. Horrible sadness for a friend going through a horribly difficult time. Frustration in dealing with the gay marriage situation in America. The lack of empathy makes me ill. Religion almost makes some so un"christian" at times. I don't practice Christianity. I haven't read the Bible. But, I studied it as a child and what I got from it was how kind Jesus was. This isn't what I'm seeing. I feel helpless in so many situations. At times, I just want to wrap people up my arms and make their pain go away.

As I grow older. As I have more experience as a parent.  I see things in a completely different way. I try my best to see both sides of things. I do. It is hard for me. I'm much better at it than I used to be. I think probably because I have friends with all types of beliefs. That helps. It's helped me to be surrounded by such different minded people. Good people.

At times, I feel like I did back when I was "depressed." I felt the world it seemed. It doesn't quite feel that way...I feel more pains for people than I used to. I felt more pain about myself then.

It is hard to understand how the universe (God) works during such hard times. I know this has been said for years, but it just is. I don't get it.

You never know.

http://goteamgray.com/updates/

The above link is an update page for a friend of a friend who is very ill. He has cancer. Jason and I read through all of the updates last night. I can't believe all he's been through. We can't stop thinking about him. He's felt more pain than I can imagine. Cancer is such an awful illness. I've seen a friend suffering from it--it took her from being the most tough, fun loving, faith filled person I knew to wanting it all to be over.

Will is a talented musician, director, producer, etc. I was introduced to him by my friend, Reva. She and I went to High School together. They were playing a show in D.C. and Jason and I went to see them. This was probably 4 years ago. The performance took us by surprise. We'd never heard of Will Gray. We loved the show. Even though we came for Reva, we left fans of both. Here is a film of them singing together:

http://youtu.be/LqoROX6lZm4

Here is the documentary Will directed last year...Reva is in it as well.

http://youtu.be/ipuY2e6kU7Q

As far as I can tell, he thought he had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away. He ended up having a tumor in his sinus. When Harper was born, Oct 20th, Will was preparing for a screening of Broke* in Kansas City. Life was good. He was promoting and touring. She just turned 5 months and in that time, his life has turned completely upside down.

Below is the last update written by Will--it is very difficult to read.
Things since this post have gone up and down...
I'm not sure what will happen. I know currently things aren't great.
I can't stop thinking about him..or his wife, Angie.
If you pray, please pray for them.
If you don't, please send positive thoughts their way.
They aren't the only ones struggling, they are just an example of so many...

The Cost of Clean Margins. (A Note From Will)

Posted by GoTeamGray on Dec 18, 2012 in Updates | 12 Comments

I’m so thankful for the many that have come alongside me; my family, and my friends that have become family in this journey.  Our hearts are warmed with each prayer, encouraging note, car ride, gift, donation, meal, and well wish.

The early days and nights leading to surgery were long.  I was in the most physical pain I have ever felt to date, and the emotional toll of varying diagnosis was enough to put me under. But we all prayed and we fought together.

Then we had a clear diagnosis and surgical treatment plan laid out.  It eased my mind.  I remember smiling on the drive home the afternoon the surgeon told us that I definitively had cancer, and the potential cost of getting clean margins through surgery.  We did not know exactly where we where going, but we knew where we were.

The pain got worse, and I found reservoirs of strength I never knew I had.  My face was tearing apart, and my eye was pushing out of its socket.  My jaw wrenched with pain that made it hard to speak.  This tumor was trying to kill me, and I felt it chasing after my life.  I was scared.  I felt more fear than I had ever known.

The days grew longer waiting for surgery and the thoughts of the tumor reaching the optic nerve in my eye, thus rendering my cancer inoperable, raced in my head.

We checked into the hospital a couple days early, because my eye had bulged so far out the socket it would not close.  The pain was… painful, but moreover it didn’t feel safe or fair to be home anymore.  I wanted to go in so that Angie would not carry the burden of care alone.

The surgery date came.  I don’t remember it or the day after. Most of it is completely wiped from my memory as if it never happened.

I woke up on the Thursday after surgery, and felt a new pain. like someone was roasting my thigh with a blowtorch.

My throat was sore.  I couldn’t breathe.  Too many people were talking. I tried to talk, but no one could understand what I was saying.

The blowtorch pain was the skin graft on my thigh, which is about the size of 5 iphones lined up side by side.  The treatment of the graft was a heat lamp to further roast the skin and dry it out.

I cried.

The following nights in the hospital brought more pain, fear, bleeding, vomiting, choking, hallucinating, and night terrors.  Those nights were also mixed with seeing some of the people I love most in this world.  So there was laughter, and progress, and first steps, and everyone telling me how great I looked.

I was afraid to look in the mirror.  I also couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t look at myself until the Sunday after surgery.

On Monday, I stood in front of the mirror.  I was swollen.

I looked under the eye patch.  I was a monster.

Back to bed.

Wednesday they sent us home, and the doctors said that my margins were clean.  The surgical  mission accomplished, and we were happy. Our friends rejoiced.

But the cost…

The cost of clean margins: they cut out my upper right jaw and all of those corresponding teeth.

They took my right sino-nasal cavity.

They cut out my right eye & surrounding area on my face.

A small price to pay for life.  Part one completed.

Now on to part two of radiation, and possibly chemo.

Then on to part three of more reconstructive and plastic surgery to put my face back together.

Then part four of speech pathology and occupational therapy to learn how to swallow and speak again.

Meanwhile, we follow up with counseling. physical therapy and monitoring the blood clot in my lung, and hoping I don’t develop another.

We also pray  the cancer doesn’t return.

Many many days ahead of us will be hard.

Angie and I will walk through this one step at a time.
We are fighting and we hope you will continue to fight with us.

Thanks!