On a rainy Wednesday night...Dec. 20th

he proposed to me at the airport...

He was helping me get my suitcase to the curb and we were saying our goodbyes when he said, "one more thing..." and got down on one knee. "I wanted to wait until at least Christmas, but I can't wait...I don't want you to get on that plane without knowing I want you to be my wife....will you marry me?" (the ring is BEAUTIFUL!--an edwardian style engagement band...looks like a 1/4 inch strip of lace made of white gold and diamonds is wrapped around my finger.)

I was in shock...I kissed him and said, "Of course!!" He told me how much he loved me and then he had to go. (the traffic guard was blowing her whistle) He shouted "I LOVE YOU" from his car right before he left. I just stood there. Finally, I went inside...still in shock and stood in line. I didn't say anything. J called and asked me if I was ok. "I hate that we're not together right now." (he was to fly into Wichita on Saturday.) I called my mom, she was thrilled!!

She kept telling me how happy she was and how much she loves him and us together. The night crept along with a few phone calls going out...and him calling me every once in a while to ask me if I was ok and to let me know how happy he was.

When I got home, Kendra had made me a sign from her computer and she woke up to say congratulations. So adorable. My mom told everyone we ran into while I was home (and sent out numerous emails). It was a bit embarrassing, but fun. My family is so happy. His family was thrilled as well. He sent out the pic of the ring and some pics of us to his family and they responded very warmly (he'd called them the night before). I got texts and emails the next day with warm wishes. It's fun! (But...we were still by ourselves celebrating!)

Unfortunately, his flight was cancelled to Wichita on Saturday morning, so he rented a car and drove. The entire family jumped in the car and drove to meet him in Lawrence to bring him home. (He'd only slept 3 hours the night before.)

We're happy. I couldn't be happier..gosh, I don't even know what to write. I just wanted to get it documented. I'll have to write something more later.

I just keep looking at this ring...it couldn't be more me! Most of all...I'm so happy he's happy. It suits him.

all the leaves are brown and the sky is grey...

Today seems to be ushering in all of the negatives of fall. It's cold, rainy, windy...ugly. It's no mistake that a holiday that celebrates the death and rebirth of the earth is this month. It looks dead outside. I had a friend that loved days like this. It's probably my mood, but I personally hate it and would rather be under the covers than anywhere else. I like Halloween...I like being able to wear a sweatshirt and I love seeing the colors in the trees. But, it means that winter is just around the corner and the cold, slushy streets of Chicago aren't much to look forward to. I always end up huddled in front of a space heater with an electric blanket. (I have to buy a new one this year) I should look towards the romanticism of it all. Snuggling under warm blankets sharing hot chocolate, watching a scary movie. We've already been to a haunted house...last weekend, in fact. Very Fun!! Also took in the Scarecrow Festival in St. Charles. Very nice!! Winter also means there will be lights on the trees soon...and I like that. The holidays should be nice this year. Baby is old enough to walk around and open her own presents. I'm excited for that. I'm ready for family time. I'm ready for us to be together at eachother's homes.

Today's just a bad day...and I'm ready for a shot of holiday cheer. It'd be nice to jump into a chalk drawing today...or be sucked up by a cloud and thrown into a technicolored world. My mental health is definitely affected by the weather. A nice fire in a fire place would be nice. Maybe I could find some fire wood for tonight.

Random thought:
I wish my grandparents were still around. I could use a long vacation at their house right now. Instant happiness.

Or...if the baby could come visit...she makes me happy, too.
Or, if I got flowers today. That'd be nice. I don't even care who they're from.

This blog is depressing, wow...sorry about that.

Two Boys and a Girl

I live pretty much like every single girl in Chicagoland. I have the best of both worlds. Gay roommate and fantastic boyfriend. The three of us get along so well! We all pretty much live together in harmony. We have family nights watching House on Tuesdays, Project Runway on Wednesdays, Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays...Friday is family date night where we all go out to eat and to a flick. We normally go for the horror genre, but have been forced into other genres recently. The boys like Chipotle...but we rarely eat there. I'm spoiled. We go where I want to go, usually. It's a nice ritual. In the theatre, J is always on my left and D is on my right. After the movie, we all join into a very juvenile game of, "let's scare the shit out of eachother." Someone flips off the lights...the others crawl around on the floor finding a spot to jump out of and I scream--every time. J hides under blankets in corners or makes some horrible face in the mirror behind me in the bathroom. It's stupid, but we find it very amusing. (We keep doing it!!) hehehe. I'm surprised we haven't built a blanket fort in the living room. We all talk like idiots though. RIDICULOUS! It's almost too embarrassing to admit. I started it...just talking like children. "yummy, yummy!!" "Daddy" "Papa D" (take note that we have a kitty that is our baby) Meryle is a nice addition. She's named after Meryle Streep. D and I got her soon after I moved in. It's crazy how much that cat loves Jason, though. I've never seen anything like it. We might end up taking her because Dustin says he can't bear the idea of taking her away from him. heheh.

Our llittle family is breaking up soon, though. How sad. Dustin and I move move back to the city mid-November. J and I are trying to figure out a way to stay out in the burbs, though. It's just easier. Maybe we're just getting older. The commute is driving us nuts. The winter in the city is hard. Besides, we just see each other more if we live out here. (anyway, got side tracked)
Just wanted to put down some memories...it's been fun, but I suppose I have other fun things to look forward to!

the movement i need

I don't care where I live...as long as it's with you
It seems like it's the only place that makes sense to be
I'm not afraid to stay or move to somewhere new
Each place would end up home if you were there with me

Our laughter would fill any space
I'd still kiss you at the door
We'd find the home we've both been searching for

In the beginning, neither of us knew what we'd found
It just felt good to be happy, acting foolishly like kids
Our feelings kept muted, trying not to make a sound
Not knowing if we should even feel the way we did.

Now I can shout it from the rooftops, and will
That I love you, but by now everyone knows
There are places in my heart that only you can fill
And wherever you decide to go, I will go

I don't care where we live, as long as I'm with you.

Obsess much?

Of course. Dustin pointed out last night that when I get excited about a new t.v. series, it's more like a complete obsession. I guess he's right. This year has been a big year for me discovering t.v. shows that everyone else has known about for a couple of years. I started out with 24. I immediately became an addict. I didn't have a job at the time and watched the show all waking hours. It was fun to resurrect my love of Kiefer Sutherland whom I adored as a sexy vamp in The Lost Boys. I ran around the house yelling, "Jack Bauer!" Jason is always good natured about my hollywood crushes and found it funny rather than completely annoying. (I think) I tried to get into season 5, but just couldn't. They killed off my president and I couldn't stand the idea of a corrupt man as one of the leads. Yeah, he was nominated for an Emmy for his performance...I still found him annoying.

Then it was Lost. I had NO desire to get into this show when it came out. I watched the first episode when it originally aired and was bored to tears. Urged on by Wendy, I got the dvds of the first season and Jason and I sat down to watch. Wow. It was like heroine. We sat and watched for hours and then when season 1 was over, freaked out. We downloaded season 2 on itunes and he bought a special device that allowed the computer to be seen on the t.v. We had the full effect!! Since our schedules were different, it was agonizing to have to wait for the other to watch the next episode. We actually started lying to the other, sneaking in episodes while the other was gone.

After that was done...I hit a dry spell. Nothing really captured my attention. After a bit, Dustin told me I should watch House, MD. I had just seen Hugh Laurie on Inside Actor's Studio and didn't know a thing about him. I figured, with all of the hype, I should check it out.
Umm..yeah. I'm in love with him. I watched both seasons in about 2 weeks. The last season over a weekend in the city. I didn't leave the apt for two days! Jason got into it on the tail end and really enjoyed it, too. I find him incredibly sexy!! His blue eyes...mmmmm. His amazing brain and sarcastic jabs make him even more yummy. He's now my wallpaper. If you haven't checked out the show...do!! You can get it on netflix or at Blockbuster. The new season starts on Nov. 5th. I can't wait! I've ordered all of Hugh Laurie's movies on Netflix.

I need help.

Happiness is...

Chipped beef on toast with peas
Mackenzie's squeals
Derek's hugs
Kendra's laugh
a clean apartment
a soft bed
Flat Top!
my Friday night dinner and a movie with my boys
Project Runway
House (my newest find! thanks to D)
brunch at Anne Sather's
watching movies with Kort
memories of Corbin Hall
the smell of pumpkin pie baking
the smell of a fire
the sound of a tent zipper
hand holding (by a little hand...or a big one)
babies!!!
thunderstorms
snow on Christmas
going to a Macca concert! : )
seeing my mom
getting a letter in the mail
The Beatles, period.
Cranberry Delight
hearing the dishwasher running at night
hearing a lawn mower on a Saturday morning
or a basketball bouncing
a peanut buster parfait
skiing behind a boat
"Goodnight, Hon"


Happiness is now.

Passive Aggressive

I haven't really blogged much lately. Guess there's been too much going on. Or maybe there's too much to say...and I can't put it out there. I'm learning in my older age that I can't just say whatever what I'm thinking to whomever is around. I used to blast off...now I just internalize and wonder. Some things are just frustrating and it's hard not to just shake your head constantly. Half the time, I'm thinking, WHA???? People are just crazy. I see such insanity everywhere. Here I am ranting...being one of the most insane people I know (I'd rather say, "in tune.") and I can't even REALLY write what I'm thinking. Case and point. If I were Woody Allen, I'd just write a movie about it. I'm at least old enough to have seen some real bizarre decisions people make...and wonder what the hell they are thinking. I've always been bothered by hypocrites and liars. I've had my fair share of living in dream worlds and masking my issues. I've seen people really do a number on their lives just because they are afraid of the unknown. I've never taken life casually. Yes, I've tried to mold into someone else and I've tried to mold others into what I've wanted them to be, but I've always come to the same realization, "this doesn't work." I'm not one to settle. I'm also someone who probably goes overboard in believing that you can get everything you want.

I'm not making any sense right now...and I'm not coming to any sort of point. So, because I can't address anyone in particular, I'll just write out what I've been thinking over the past couple of months.

What the hell? Are you kidding me? Uhh...do you see what I'm seeing? Pay REALLY close attention...this is the rest of your life. What are you wearing? Do you realize how mean you are? What an unbelievable bitch you are. What a coward you are. Quit using her. Finally, you came to your senses. I think this might be a mistake. Grow up. I can see that 1950s marriages seem to having a come back. How sad. Were you looking for a certain type of reaction? I think it's a joke. Quit being a martyr. Stop lying to people you say you love--it's pathetic.

Ok, that makes me feel a bit better. Of course, I'll never tell who all I just addressed. If something speaks to you...Interesting.

I wish I'd kept all of the tickets!

I just finished up seeing Madonna last night at the United Center. I saw her a couple years back as well. It's amazing how much closer to an artist you feel after you've seen them in concert. You get to see a side to them that isn't seen on the radio or on MTV. I decided to reflect on all I can remember I've seen in concert. I know I've seen more...I literally can't remember all of their names!! I'll add more when I think of them.


Madonna (2x)
Paul McCartney (5x)
Indigo Girls (2x)
The Beach Boys
Harry Connick Jr. (3x)
John Denver
Eddie Rabbit
Tori Amos
Bob Dylan
Pink Floyd
U2 (2x)
Dave Matthews Band (3x)
Barry Manilow
Sting
Lyle Lovett
Chicago
Johnny Cash
The Nadas
Poi Dog Pondering
Kenny Chesney
The Judds
Tim McGraw
Reba MacEntire
Radiohead
Elton John and Billy Joel (Billy Joel 2x)
Urge Overkill
Matthew Sweet
Jamaraquay
Alana Davis
Cake (2x)
Henry Rollins (spoken word)
Spike Lee (speaker)
Ken Burns (speaker)
Garbage
Live
Veruca Salt
Prince
Air Supply

Money can't buy me love...but maybe a new leg.

I just wanted to blog about Paul and Heather. No one really cares, but then again, not many read this blog.

Ever since Macca split from Eileen (get it? BAD joke), people have been criticizing his decision to waive the prenup. Americans are ones to sign this "bet we get divorced" document. The British think it is "dirty." Why would he even think of it? He probably thought marriage to Heather would be just as happy as with Linda. (well, maybe not AS happy.) They just didn't seem to match as well. Heather seems to want the lime light. She wasn't a name before Paul and now she accuses the marriage for overshadowing who she is. Wha?? She talked him into plastic surgery, changing his wardrobe and dying his hair. You KNOW Linda would've hated that!! The man basically had a grey mullet during his last tour and the world didn't care! Interesting that she got married, had baby Beatrice and now has a guaranteed "ticket to ride." Now Paul's alone again. I'm not sure he's miserable. Who knows. He's dealt with a greater loss. So has the world.

I just finished watching Wingspan, the documentary about Wings. It begins with the history of Paul and Linda's relationship. I've always admired their marriage and since about 13, dreamed that my marriage would be the same way. I love it that she wasn't a goddess. She was rather plain. Her body changed when she had children and it stayed that way. He loved her as a woman, a mother and his "girlfriend."

I find myself obsessing over the McCartney marriage. It's odd to think about marriage now. Before, it was just something that seemed so far out...something that might not even happen. It seems closer now. Attainable. I always felt that it was a jail cell. That's awful. Every time one of my friends got engaged, I felt like they died. I cried and cried. Even recently when Amanda got engaged. With Bryan, it was a shock...not that he did it, but that suddenly a relationship would be over. You don't really have good friendships with married men.

I feel like I could have men friends just the same. I know that my husband would be able to have friendships with women. I'm not put off by it. I'm trusted, so he should be too. I'm excited about the team aspect. I'm excited about being a part of something...a family. I loved the way the Maccas lived. They went everywhere together..kids in tow. They lived off of the earth and they traveled everywhere--just to go. They were friends. I'm excited about that, too. I love being trusted to be who I am. I used to feel that I'd have to change to be a "good" wife. I'm not so much in the kitchen. I know I can learn! Thing is, I'm not expected to. I'm good with conversation, with keeping communication open, trying new things, seeing new places, being open to new ideas and learning as much as I can about how to get through life in one piece. I want to be happy. I'm excited for the experience of learning with someone. I'm not a finished being...I'm a work in progress and I've come to accept that I take longer than others to figure some things out. I always thought I had to be some sort of 4-H mom or June Cleaver wife. I'm a mess though. I don't go to church...I'm still learning. I can't cook, I don't grocery shop, I clean when I have the time, I don't know how to sew (I could probably figure out a button) and I'm really not that organized. However, I can talk to anyone about anything, I can sit an be quiet with you, I hold hands, hug and kiss more than anyone needs it. I'll drive wherever to be with you. I can read a recipe. I can read you a book. I love children and plan on raising as many as I can. The Maccas have 4 bright and accomplished children. I can't wait for babies!! My clock is ticking. I love being able to say that without a look of fear staring back at me. At the moment, I can be what I am...and what I'm not. I can say what's on my mind about anything from what I hate about a movie to what I want my child's name to be and I'm not afraid. I'm a part of something that makes sense.

The Maccas were simply two people that preferred to spend their time together rather than with anyone else. She wasn't a musician, nor could she sing. She was in Wings because they wanted to experience it all together. They loved the music and they just wanted to have a good time with it. With four kids, they had fun, they joked, they got through rough times and they grew together. Neither of them were perfect. Linda admits she wasn't a good student...Paul says that he was drawn to her kindness and her adventuresome spirit. They wanted to move to Scotland, so they did. They lived with nothing...and everything. If they wanted to see a new place, they just went.

I'm ready to move and start and stop and stay and go and stall...I'm ready to set fire to all of the ideas of marriage I grew up with and make it my own. I can't wait to be with someone who is just as ready to see everything on earth as I am--kids in tow...

Well, I love a rainy night....

So you managed to make it rain today. Thanks a lot. I tried to make it so I could play "Have Fun, Go Mad" from Sliding Doors on here, but it didn't work. I remember listening to it in our back yard summer of 1998...that and that "Wannabe" Spice Girls song. Thought that would be funny, too. Couldn't figure it out, sorry. Saw Sarah...she came through last week. I had breakfast with her. She was going to have tea with her mom and your mom. I haven't heard from her since. She looks good...she always looks good. She still loves Seattle...makes me want to move. I like Chicago and all, but I don't want to spend my life here. Do you think you would've? I know you loved it here. I kind of see myself somewhere else though. Maybe overseas for a while...maybe on the east coast, though I hate the cold. I'd love to be near mountains...but J's never mentioned mountains so I'm not sure how he feels about them. Who doesn't like mountains? I'm going camping soon...(please hold the rain off). Hopefully we'll be around some thick trees and hills...I'm just so sick of flat. Sarah said Becca is moving to Seattle soon. She didn't have a really good girlfriend out there, so that's good. We did talk about Scott...she says that she would freak out if he fell in love with someone. (else) I guess they talk about getting married...or something like that. Would that be weird for you? She said she's fine with the fact that you were his first love. I assume if you were here, you wouldn't be cool with that. I was thinking about our apt. on New York St. today. (well, i think about it a lot) Remember the ant problem? Everybody hated that apt. Not sure what I was thinking there really...I guess I just saw really big rooms. My room...well, our room, had the exposed brick and I liked that. The bathroom was slanted...and then we found that dead baby mouse. That was freaky. I can't remember if you found that or if that was Becky. You bitched me out in that bathroom. I was hanging out with that Jessica girl (going a little crazy on road trips) and you let me have it. I don't even remember where we kept traveling to...but I went quite a few times to meet up with boys. That was insane. You told me I was acting immaturely...yeah, I was. I think that was during the Danny crap and I just wanted to have fun. That year was whacked. I was going to move to New Orleans that year too. THAT was messed up. You were right about Paul. He was evil incarnate. You know...I do feel that if you were here...if you just showed up at my apt (which i dream about all of the time) we'd be exactly where we left off. I can still hear your laugh. That's nice. I just wanted to say thanks for yelling at me to grow up as much as you did. I'm getting closer. I think you'd be happy with my life right now. Sarah mentioned something to me too. "You're easier to be around now." I almost thought it seemed like a backhanded compliment. "You're calmer...happier...more yourself." I guess I was a bit out of control there for a while. I was either all about having too much fun or just completely wiped out. I'm lucky to have the friends that I had growing up. I have a couple things I'd like to talk over with you. If we were together...in Lawrence, I'd have us meet at Freestate and you'd order the "wheat" and I'd probably get the oatmeal stout. They built a Gap across the street. We could go shopping there afterwards. Then we could go see a movie...I can't remember your favorite movie or your favorite actor, sorry. I can't believe I don't remember. huh. I'm no longer a fan of Tom's. He lost his mind...and is sleeping with Joey. whatever. Wait...was it ben or matt? Kort likes Matt. hmmm. I'll have to call Sarah.

There's been a lot of conversation about addicting t.v. shows with my other friends. I'd like to guess what you'd like. Lost, CSI, (yes, probably you'd still be watching reruns of Nash Bridges), 24, House, The West Wing and Alias. Funny thing, I don't even watch allof those shows. I just know you'd like them. That's kind of cool. There's a band out called Coldplay..you'd love them, too. And btw, cutie little Lindsay Lohan...the little darling we loved in The Parent Trap...yeah, she ended up a little trampy. I included a pic so you could see. Bizarre!



Well, not a ton to say, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you today. Didn't want you to feel alone.

Looks like it's going to be raining for quite a few days here...I know you like rainy days, but come on...

love you,
me

p.s. you remember that list you told me to write out? i kept it...and it came in very handy. You'd be amazed.

Requiem for a Dream

The inspiration for this blog came from a conversation with my friends Craig and Kortney. All of us have addictive personalities. (other people find us, in and of ourselves, addictive too!!) Anyway, the earliest memory of having an addictive personality is at age 7 I believe. My mom made a batch of chocolate chip cookies. She told me I could have one. I watched t.v. on our b/w t.v. in the kitchen because (even then) I wanted to watch my own shows and no one liked "Tales of the Golden Monkey." (Awesome show--there's even a cult following I found on the internet) Anyway, I just kept going back and getting one cookie after another until they were all gone. I, very Abraham Lincoln like, went to my mom and said, "I cannot tell a lie, I ate all of the cookies." Well, that's not exactly how I put it, but I told her and was very proud of myself for eating them all. I thought it was funny. She did not. She flipped. I had to go to bed. My addictions have become worse over the years. Interestingly enough, I'm not addicted to smoking or alcohol. I don't even think beer tastes good. I get addicted to people mostly...and t.v. shows. I remember my soph year in college being addicted to The Real World -Seattle. Completely into that season!! Loved San Fransico too...and New Orleans. I just didn't get into any other cities. I skipped class all of the time and watched Real World marathons. I probably spent 10 hours a day watching them. Today, Kortney and I were trying to think of some shows that we could throw ourselves into to escape our own little worlds. I'm currently addicted to reruns of Party of Five. My roommate, Dustin owns them and we watch them whenever we get a moment. We're currently on season 2. When I moved into the apt on Evergreen with J, I started in on Felicity. (he got hooked too) He watched all 4 years with me. Took us less than a month. We sat in front of the t.v. and just watch episode after episode after episode. I remember one Saturday...it was beautiful outside and neither one of us could pull ourselves away from Felicity, Ben or Noel. That show was a great bonding time for us...we really didn't know eachother and all I thought was, "wow, a guy who is cool enough with himself to get into Felicity and not care." Dawson's Creek came next but J bugged out on that one. He felt that it was a poor man's Felicity and banned the series. Understandable. Earlier this year, when I was unemployed...Jack Bauer came into my life. JACK BAUER!!!! (inside joke) I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning watching that show. J was gone to WI for work during the week and I had nothing else to do. (oh, yeah, that and looking for a job) 24 took a while...24 episodes per season, 4 seasons....40 minutes per episode..that's 64 hours I spent watching that show. wow. That's an addicting show.!!

(get to go home early...will resume at home.)

Lighten up!

I keep reading others' blogs. They seem easier to read...mine is so bogged down by heavy emotions and themes...maybe for the summer I'll take it easy and just journal a bit. It'll be a nice summer to document I think.

The weekend was nice. Gorgeous weather!! I went to Kelmo's Cinco de Mayo party on Friday. I finally got to see Bryan post-wedding. He got me a drink for the ride home! nice! He's a happy boy. We rode the train back to the city with Steve and crew. We chatted a bit about upcoming events and then we all walked to Kelmo's. Good to see people...saw a lot of new faces and unfortunately I wasn't in my "get to know new people" mood. I had J come get me and we went to see MI3. He liked it a lot...I couldn't get the "that's ehh sicky Tom Cruise and he's such a freak-boy" mantra out of my head. We agreed it was better than the other two. I think it has to do with Hoffman. I listened to Eric and Kathy this morning and Eric didn't get the ending...hmmm...I didn't find it that difficult?

Finally broke out the bikes this summer. Biked to Blockbuster to get a couple of movies. We got House of Wax...we love bad scary movies. Didn't get to watch this one. We also got Malice. Ryan quotes the movie and J had no idea where he got it. It's a great quote!

(Jed)- I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis_, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.

GREAT stuff!!!!

Sunday was a great day for many reasons. I think a lot of questions were answered and I feel a lot better...lighter. I think life seems to be suddenly a bit easier. We went to the park and threw the football...there was a softball game going on so we got distracted by that. After I freaked out about not having chores done...of course all I wanted to do then was blow them off and go outside. He, of course, just rolled with the punches. We went to Hacienda and talked a lot about what to do with the fam comes in for the big week. He wanted to take them all to Mid-Evil Times...uh...no. Although Wendy thought the idea was very sweet...she wants us to wait until they're older. It's going to be a full house...wow. Wendy said she felt it would be a lot of fun to have so many packed in the apt. I think so, too. Ended up in the burbs later. Dustin showed off his new clothes and the boys made some sort of date to figure out a surround sound system plan. J's been obsessing over electronic equipment lately...and now Dustin is following suit. (Not nearly as much as J.) Pretty cute.

I went to the forest preserve today for lunch. Read a book and enjoyed the weather. I actually got too hot! It was great!! J is installing the AC unit soon. He wants to get another for the kitchen. Nothing like getting a new phone line (internet sourced) in the apt so you have a better connection and then adding 747 noise behind it.

The futon is now disassembled...bye Jill Scott futon. It was nice to know you.

It's now the consensus that maybe I shouldn't go see United 93. Both J and CK said that it might be good to wait until dvd. Might have to do that. If I passed out during The Aviator during the plane crash...I know I won't handle it well.

Letting Go

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began , though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice--though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!"each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do--determined to save the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver, The Journey

My conspiracy theory on Tom Cruise

I still love Maverick, so I try to separate him from Tom. I like Tom's characters for the most part, but the man...freaks me out. I hate this. I had a bird once, I named him Tommy. When my neice was little...when she saw Tom on t.v. she would say, "look aunt val...hot tom." He was #1 of my Top 5 list.

Strike one was divorcing Nic. Bad move. Penelope is...whatever, but it was just a bad move. They didn't last long though...they broke up, Penelope started up with dreamy Matthew. (Not sure if that one lasted, I lost track.) Now, of course, he's with Katie...and Suri. Is he gay? Maybe. Or he might be a complete over the top control freak. I think TC is a corporation. He's no longer a person. I think people are paid insane amounts of money to say what they do. It is pretty amazing how he is painted...his kudos come from Paul Newman ("Newman" to TC, they're so tight!), Dustin Hoffman, Steven Speilberg, Oprah and numerous others. All paid off. At least that is what I think. I can't imagine Paul and Dustin being that low, but who really knows Hollywood. I think he had a contract with Nic. She was just starting out, she spent 9 years and soared to the top of Hollywood...and then I think she either got sick of it or she was let out because starting at 10 years you have to start splitting assets or something weird. Then I think she was given a ton of money to keep her mouth shut...or that was in the original contract. Who knows. The Scientology thing...I'm at a loss there. I can explain the women with contracts and the kudos serving producers world wide, but Scientology is just nuts. He yelled at Matt Lauer (strike two), which you just don't do to keep in my good graces. Good thing Matt wasn't in the delivery room. The sheer volume of his voice might have mentally scarred Suri. I love Matt Lauer. He called him GLIB for heaven's sake! Then he pounced on Brooke Shields (strike three) and every other woman who's suffered from any type of depression. Hmm...I pray for Katie. Joey Potter never would've gone out with him. She would've stuck with Pacey! But that's another story.

Confession:
When TomKat came about last year, my roommate, Jason and I were crazy people. Sending eachother photos and making dates to watch TC on Oprah or late night shows. Why were we so obsessed?? Course, we were also one of the 12 people who went to see The Dukes of Hazzard just to see Jessica Simpson. We had TomKat's pictures (as well as Jessica's) up on the fridge...hehehe...bet he hates me writing this. I think it was just so insane how Tom was acting. What drives a man to be so mental? Love? Or was it the fact that he no longer had to deal with his former publicist. He fired her and then jumped on couches.

Fun fact: If Cruise and Katie Holmes wed, each of his wives will have been eleven years younger than the last. (Mimi Rogers, b. 1956; Nicole Kidman, b. 1967; Katie Holmes, b. 1978.)

I want to recommend this link:
http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com/

Take a gander...very, very funny.
There is more to say here..but this is all I could get in during lunch.

Here's my smile with the future in it...

She needs this to help her realize that she is doing the right thing.
You are.
And you know who you are.
You've always been wonderful and great and you've always created a world of creativity, love and security for them. (and for me)
You've been there for me when others have not.
I'm here for you.
I figured you'd check this late at night...when you're feeling alone and freaked out about it all.
Don't worry. It's all going to be alright.
Quit drinking so much coffee and try to get some sleep.
You have plenty of people who love you and who are going to do their best to make you safe.
You're doing the right thing.
You'll make it...not too long now.
And they'll understand...they'll thank you...and they'll realize one day why you did it.
Until then, I'm not worried about them.
You've always been adored and it'll continue.
Read this whenever you need to.
Call me whenever you need to.
I am proud of you!
I love you.
I trust you and you should too.
Take care of yourself.
I'll see you soon!!!

TALK HARD!! hehehe.

I just wanted to write about her. It's hard to talk about it because to everyone else it was a long time ago. 6 years. How is that possible? I feel disconnected because her father is gone too. We talked all of the time and somehow, even if he was in his drunken state, he remembered what it was like to be at the hospital and he told me stories about her as a little girl. Most people don't like hospitals because they don't want to remember their loved one that way. I try to remember though. I don't want to forget. She needed me and I love that I was there for her. I can't imagine how scared she was and to know that there was someone there had to have helped. We got into a fight once because she wanted me to help her end it. I told her mother to leave the room and I yelled at her telling her that we were all there to help her get better and that she couldn't just give up like that. Looking back, I wonder if I should've fought with her. She was tired. I was selfish and I couldn't handle the idea of losing her. Maybe "God" knew that. I wasn't there when she died. I left my cell phone in the car. The last part of her body I touched was her toe. I told her I'd see her in the morning and squeezed it. When I got there in the morning, she was gone...and the family was gone. All I could say was "I'm sorry" over and over again. I cried and the nurse ran to me. I fell to the floor and it felt like something physically ripped from my body. The nurse finally helped me up and told me I should say good-bye. I went into the curtained area. She pulled them around me so no one could see. I remember standing there. She was bald and she had a pretty head. She still had the tubes in her nose. I don't know why. She was gone and white and she wasn't herself. I stood there for about 5 minutes and then finally understood that this was just a body. I felt completely alone. I went to my sister's apt and laid on the cement by the door for what seemed like hours. No one was home. I didn't have anything to say. I think I talked to some people on the phone. Thing is, no one said the right thing. I always felt so guilty because I wasn't there when she actually died. I went home and crawled in with my boyfriend because that was all I wanted to do that night. Last year, a friend of mine told me that maybe that was ok. Maybe "God" knew I couldn't handle it and that my purpose was to make sure the people who mattered the most were there. I remember calling Sarah and telling her not to wait until the weekend. She needed to come "now." She did. She was there. They'd been friends since they were little girls and I would've hated it if she hadn't been there. Carrie and I spent the last weekend she had before she went into the hospital at my apt in Lawrence. We went to a KU basketball game, her favorite. We went to a dinner party. We sat in the parking lot before we went into the restaurant, and for the first time, told me she was scared. Finally, we went in. We all laughed and ate and drank...and at the end of the night, she told me that for a little while she forgot she was sick.

I think about her. I don't mention it much because for some reason, I feel that because she's dead and just not living somewhere else--people just think you're unable to let things go and they question the reasons you have for bringing it up. I wasn't her mom, her dad or her brother. I was her friend. She was a certain kind of friend to me though...I hate that. When people asked how I was, the way I tried to explain what it felt like was to compare my life to a set table. It has legs that hold it up and it has all the plates and glasses and such to make it so pretty. She was a leg and when it was gone, everything just shifted. I still feel that way. I wish I could explain it better...there are just people in my life that could've been taken that wouldn't have shaken me as much. That's awful. I needed her and I still do. I find myself in situations practically every day where I need her advice. I'm not glorifying her because she's gone. I'm not. I've felt this way since I met her. There are just some people you watch. There are people that you really listen to. People that you really learn from and strive to be like. I remember her coming to visit me at whatever apt I lived in and thinking that my day was spent the best way possible because she was there. She made me feel stronger. Have you ever met someone and felt that if they were by your side you could do anything? When we lived together that summer...she pulled me out of an emotional abyss where I thought I'd never be found. This blog is long and it rambles and it is just thought after thought...and it's here because it's May. And March to May is hard. And I hope people have forgotten this blog because I posted it for me. But if someone happens to read it, good. You should know that someone out there loves you like this. That you'll be missed by someone and that however insignificant you feel your life might be...someone might be thinking so much more about you while you're putting rollers in your hair, tying your shoes, giving yourself a home pedicure, making your own salad dressing, putting on your make up, ordering a beer, singing to a song on the radio, watching a movie or giving them advice that they don't want to hear.

Farewell 1907

Farewell to the squeaky screen door and the busted tub faucet. My door that won’t shut and his that shut with a thud. Goodbye to no closets in our rooms and extension chord jungles. The kitchen counter tops that serve as a front row seat. The window AC with a remote control. The fireplace that is just for show. The new bookshelves we stuffed with books we haven’t read yet. The walls with no paintings…except for the one where the jogger has yet to run by. The thin walls that kept us up at night with the parties below. The windows that overlook Evergreen and the car that took forever to get towed, the man that ran from the cops and the church-goers that took over the sidewalks with their cars. Goodbye to the ceiling that you helped me touch. The kitchen where we got ready to go out with your sister. The back hall that looks into the other apt. The windows that see the “naked girl.” The refrigerator that has had green bean casserole in it for months. The oven that was used maybe a dozen times. The futon in the Fall. Goodbye to mile long walks from the parking spot we’d find after a late night run to Taco Bell—(shouting at each other in the process.) The spider mark on my bedroom floor. The couch where I made you watch Felicity…and 24….and Dawson’s, though that was short lived. The sounds of you being the “going out” DJ during “bar of the week.” Goodbye to the awkwardness and the watching from a far. Goodbye to the answer, “we’re roommates.”

Perfection

The instrumental in “Light My Fire” by The Doors
The English Patient
Lawrence Kasdan’s script for The Big Chill
The Sgt. Pepper album
November 21, 1992
Kurt Kinnamon (#14) during the 1981 Kansas High School Championship game.
Jessie Bennington’s rendition of “pink cake”
May 31st, 1993 (first Paul McCartney concert)
My BKE jeans
Nicole Kidman’s skin
Ode to a Grecian Urn
White sand beaches
Heidi Klum's hair, face, body, accent
Maverick’s smile
"Circle" by Edie Brickell
"He Said" by Edie Brickell
The creative partnership of Lennon/McCartney
Jason’s hair
To Kill A Mockingbird
The Lord of the Rings adaptation from book to film
Grace Kelly
Danny Elfman’s score to The Nightmare Before Christmas
Amanda’s meatballs
Reality Bites soundtrack
Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands (well, JD, period)
The Golden Gate Bridge
April 18, 1995 (personally, not nationally)
Valerie’s salad
Dustin's interior designs
Kortney's sense of me
My sense of Kortney
Jason's sense of self
The Cavern in Liverpool
Simon and Garfunkel in Central Park
Cherry icy
The Grand Canyon
Troy on the court
John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme
Jane Bennington's commencement speeches
U2, Rattle and Hum
Annie Hall
Debbie Johnson’s laugh
The comedic timing of When Harry Met Sally, Noises Off and Clue
Meryl Streep in Holocaust, One True Thing, Sophie’s Choice and Out of Africa
Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn
Radiohead’s OK Computer
Gerber daisies and tulips
Bryan's sense of adventure
Melinda King’s hugs
A Kansas thunderstorm
The place Amanda's heart is
Victoria’s Secret models
Summer of 1991
Christopher Reeves as Superman
Going North on Lake Shore Drive from Soldier Field at night
Danny Manning during the 1988 NCAA Championship
Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour
Jason's jeans with the hole in the knee
Beginning lines in Out of Africa, Flatliners and American Beauty
The evenings of Saturday, March 19 and December 10th



more to come…..

very superstitous, writing's on the wall

Please say that you knew the title is a stevie wonder lyric...if not, please educate yourself.

So, today is Friday the 13th and I'm working my first temp job in a nice big building that is filled with beautiful condos right off of Lake Michigan. I'm not superstitious...but already today stupid things happened. My roommate, "J" had to drive all the way back to the apartment because he forgot my keys were in his coat. (He now has ruled that he is no longer to drive my car--a bit dramatic) So, that started his day off well. However, when battling Chicago traffic, time is of the essence and he was already going to be hit with the brutal 6:30 am back up. Then, on my way to this little job, I got lost. Yeah, by the way...HUGE difference between North Lincoln Park Ave. and North Lincoln Park Ave West. It seems that there would be but I got screwed by Mapquest. It was raining, I parked a state away, then my umbrella turned inside out, then I fell flat on the wet cement (I do that, I just fall for no apparent reason) and scraped up my hand and side--but I did find the place after all. It is MISERABLE outside! Yesterday was beautiful. I doubt that has anything to do with anything though. I am fearful that my car will be towed. City parking signs are written in invisible ink. You park and feel so much pride about actually finding a spot and then you try to find your car later just to realize that in the interim some city jackass decided that day to put up "street cleaning" signs all up and down the block. By that time, it's too late, you're either towed, booted or have a ticket that'll require monthly payments to pay off. (I wish the payment comment were a joke...)

All of that has really nothing to do with it being Friday the 13th, but I'm trying out a lighter blog today. Thought I just try to ramble on here. I'll update if anything at all spooky, cooky or just bad luck comes about. So far I haven't received more than 13 calls today. 3 hrs, 45 min to go.

30, Flirty and....Unemployed.

I'll be 31 in less than a month. I'm not sure how flirty I am, and as for fabulous...that isn't something I've felt in a while. I'm unemployed in one of the largest cities in the U.S. I guess maybe that is better than small town America, but it still sucks. In Chicago it seems that your 30s is a thriving time. Most of my friends are doing very well. Work hard, get paid enough to play as hard as they want and are now starting to buy condos and settle down with their best play buddy. Hmm...I said most of my friends, in all actuality, all of my friends in Chicago are doing well. I, however, am alone, getting cabin fever, broke and trying to figure out what the hell I want to do. Being close to 31 and living somewhat like a college student is a bit depressing. I'm in a time warp. The girlfriends I grew up with are all married or engaged...with 2.5 children and have husbands that are either the best thing since sliced bread or are the biggest pain in the ass. I guess I should be thankful I don't have the latter. I'm starting to count down the days until I'm closer to 40 instead of 20 and it's horrible. I'll tell you what, not having to be somewhere for days on end is not good for the soul. I try to find places where I can create a need. I go overboard trying to help my roommate out with whatever he needs--he's appreciative, but to anyone else it could seem a tad bit "too available." That really isn't something that relates to our situation...thank god or I'd feel even more pathetic. The days are starting to pick up though. I've had interest in my resume lately...just got off of the phone with a lady just now. I have too many decisions. Do I work in the city or the burbs? What about living? Burbs? City? Should I go back into the horrible corporate rut or go back to school? I want to go back to school...but where do I find funding? Could I handle that financially? And when does the "settling down" aspect of my life come in? That's tricky. If I were 25, I don't suspect I'd worry too much about being in a relationship and just seeing where it goes. But realizing that my mother gave birth to me, her last child, at 32...my mind starts to wander. Uhh...I'm not a spring chicken. You don't want to mad dash a man to the alter. Dating should be fun. It should have its own pace. When I talk to my girlfriends who are my age and still single though, they all say the same thing, "I'm too old to be in a relationship that isn't going to end up in marriage at this point." Holy shit. How many women think this? And how many of these women are in bars? What would happen if these thoughts were displayed on t-shirts instead of "I'm a daddy's girl...wanna be my daddy?" I doubt men would have a positive reaction. So, here I sit: not a lot to do, waiting on job calls, wondering if my educational goals will pass me by, having my wife/mother/lover market value decrease daily and trying to seem as if I'm fine with all of these thoughts rolling around. On top of all of the other issues I have that I feel shouldn't be mentioned here...life is...scary.
I do feel that 31 could be my year. It is the year to ACT instead of REACT. A friend of mine always says, "Do what you love and the money will follow." I hope to god she's right.
Now, which one was the "happiness" choice again??

Time to watch "When Harry Met Sally" AGAIN to make myself feel better. classic, CLASSIC lines in that movie. The scene where Sally finds out that her ex-boyfriend is getting married and her entire rant to Harry...yes, that is how it is. The clock starts to sound like Big Ben.

(perfect example)

Sally: And I'm going to be forty!"
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years!
Sally: But it's there, it's just sitting there like this big dead end. It's not the same
for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was seventy-three.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.