I'm sorry.

I've been watching a robin put together her nest in one of our bushes in the back yard for about 2 weeks now. Each day, for hours I would watch her make journeys back and forth. I was invested...feeling a motherhood bond with her. I couldn't believe how tirelessly she worked. I felt so happy that she'd decided to build her little home to raise her chicks in my yard. We were two moms trying to do best by our babies.

Today...the Spring clean up crew came. I popped out of bed and ran up the stairs to let them know about her nest...it was too late.

Ok, this is crazy, I feel so awful. Just sad, like I've let my little mother down...I know this is being a bit too involved with nature--but I still feel horrible.

Shit.

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Absent

Last week I was in Cleveland. Today, I'm in Rochester with a sick kid. She must have gotten it from me...ugh. Her first cold. Therefore, I haven't had any time to blog..or do much of anything else. I'm kind of winging it here. I give her vapor baths, steam her in the shower, use the aspirator and wipe her nose constantly. My child hates me this week. Every time she sees me with a Kleenex she starts crying. I'm damaging her mentally, I'm sure. She keeps smiling though...what a girl. She's quite a trooper. Mommy is tired...AND on a detox program which is making her ache. It's 2-3 shakes a day and 30 pills. 30 pills A DAY!! It's crazy. It's not to lose weight, but to detox from all of the crap I've been putting into my system for the past few months. I ache...and I'm thinking this should do the trick. It's miserable. I miss food. I miss chocolate...and man, everything just sounds amazing right now. I can eat salads...that's about it. 3 weeks. I can do it!!! My SIL and MIL did it and they said they felt amazing afterward.

The tree right outside of the window where I'm typing is a beautiful bright rust color. I love it. All our trees are in bloom--it's gorgeous!

I can do this! I can heal my child, detox and keep trying to figure out where to fit in yoga in my life. I hate yoga, I'm just not flexible.

Thursday night.

Hi to those that I think about but don't contact.
I think about many that go on without knowing.
Hi to the women that have made me who I am.
I keep your teachings close to me.
I watch you...I listen...and I keep tabs on you.
I miss when times were easier to keep in touch.
When we used to be able to spend warm summer nights talking.
Some I may have obsessed over more than others, but all important.
Women have a pull. They are survivors and they are warriors.
We have a sisterhood--that if lived well is magical and brave.

I've always found women more interesting than men. Always. Mostly because I am a woman. One that has felt lost since I remember feeling anything else. I can't look to men to see how to be--but women I've admired and always tried to imitate.

Some of my long lost women friends are floating about out there. They are being amazing and living life like I'd like to live my next life.

I have a little warrior in the other room. I will teach about all the women in my life. Hopefully, she will find friends that are equally amazing. Sadly, there are too many women that are as cruel and hideous as anything on Earth. So many use their powers for evil instead of good--and man! are they evil and wretched beings. I love women as much as I can hate them. It's rare that a man will evoke such an emotion in me.

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Ain't Love Grand

Yesterday, I watched Bright Star. It's about John Keats who has been my favorite poet for a while now. Wow. I really enjoyed the movie and cried like a baby at the end. I need to see it again. I've read Keats' work, but didn't know that he died at such a young age. I didn't know about the love he had in his life. I found it fascinating. I'm going to see if I can get a book on him. Reading his poetry isn't getting it done. The movie focused the love affair he had with Fannie Brawne. In a way, it was young love...reminded me VERY much of how I acted during my first love experience. The actual feeling that you would die if you weren't near each other. Man, what a great feeling...and an awful feeling. I plunged into love when I found it. The love letters and the songs we exchanged during that time. Whenever I hear a song from that time, my heart just swims. Keats knew love. I named my last car Keats. Mostly because I identify so much with his poem, "Ode to a Grecian Urn."

Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunt about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter: therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

I will agree that the best part of that first kiss is right before you actually touch each others' lips. Nothing is ever quite as beautiful as JUST before you have it. And, after that moment is gone, it's never the same. (At least that's what I get out of it) I've lived my life this way. I love change. I love "firsts" and I love to be in love.



I recommend the movie to lovers of love...because if you are in any way cynical, you won't enjoy it. It will make you laugh and be irritated at how crazy these two are about one another. It's young, yes...but man, I'd go back to that time of my life in a heartbeat. Not that I don't love my life now...but I've guarded my heart since then. Nothing was quite as sweet...or stung so much!

Hauntings....

I woke up thinking about someone that I'll never speak to again...but with whom I had a very interesting relationship with for a short amount of time. I felt foolish remembering the details and how I acted during that time. I'm constantly haunted by my Chicago life. I was surrounded by fun, smart and amazing people and it was probably the worst time in my life. I'm still in contact with most of my friends there...but I'm convinced their idea of me and the real me are very different things. I was so heavily medicated during that time...I couldn't even see straight. I was manically depressive and flirtatiously crazy. I had many step in to help me out...giving me hand when I needed and no doubt they were not thanked appropriately. Now that I have Z, I shudder at the legacy of my 20s. I was completely unaware of my surroundings and the gifts I was given. I was literally dazed and confused. It's embarrassing. Even those I spent time with for 6 months in Cincinnati...ugh. All of these people who came into contact with the Valerie that was desperately trying to find herself in the fog.

The fog has cleared now and I feel almost boring. My "over the top" personality at times is now low key and quiet. I miss my friends. I miss the times I had in Chicago and wish I would have been the person I am now, then. To be able to really enjoy the opportunities I was given...to really connect to the people I was around. I never really connected at any deep level. I was floundering. I was an extremely lonely and ashamed individual. I'd love to reintroduce myself to some people in my past life. I'd love to be more of a friend to them. I'd love to feel as if my time there was something people grew from. Chicago is where I had to learn to swim. And it took me a long time. Moving to Rochester was something I had to do in order to crawl out of my old skin. I sit around and think about old friends. I see their doings on Facebook and miss all of the constant get togethers. To be in such a big city as a lost soul...it's a wonder I didn't get into more trouble. I was in such a constant battle with myself and my insecurities. I need to let it all go. I need to let Z grow from those experiences. Rochester is quiet. We are all alone out here...and there is time to reflect. There's also a chance for me to grow in a way I couldn't anywhere else. In Chicago, I was hanging out with very bright, very ambitious people. Everyone seemed to know where they wanted to go except me. I felt as if I was looking up the entire time...jumping up and down in order for people to see me. Ugh. It's hard to find your way. I look at Z now. A blank slate. She only has her life to look forward to--and she can make it anything she wants. That's amazing to me. She will learn from my mistakes...and from her own.

So, I send my love out to old friends...and to those who helped me...and those who may not have a real grasp of who I am now, but were kind to the person I was then...


pic of me in 2005...


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If I lived in London, this is what it would look like today...

In a way, it's inspiring. It makes me want to watch a mystery...or read one. Z requested to dress in all black to be dramatic on this cloudy day. I told her she needed to dress in bright colors so we'd have something happy to look at. She going to go Goth as soon as she can pick her own clothes, I know it.

Jason is gone all day. It's a Friday...suppose to be a lighter day for him, but alas, no. He left at 5am this morning. I dreamed about saying goodbye, but when I woke up, I realized it was just a dream and missed him. I hate things like that.

Z is on a roll! She's slept through the night 3 nights in a row now. She goes down around 9:30 and sleeps for at least 10 hours. Am I in for a full night's rest from now on?? I doubt it, but I'll take it for now.

So, in bird news..the damn squirrel ate the rope on both of my bird feeders and down they went. Both, broken and thrown out. I'd JUST bought a bird book!! It's sad when one has to ruin things for everyone. I need human friends here don't I...so that the loss of my birds isn't so upsetting.

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A Thursday temper tantrum.

The picture on the right hand side of my blog is of my backyard. I'm guessing that it's in early summer. I took it when we were looking at the house. I'm now realizing that the previous owners must have put a lot of money into landscaping. We got a mower last Fall, but wow, that's not going to get it done. I went out today for an hour and raked some of the old leaves and yuck from the side of the house. I'm getting a bid from some "spring cleaners" and see what they can do for us. I have 2 limbs down...this is super boring isn't it.

Home owning. It's jut not as happy today as it is other days. I look at all that needs to be done and I'm still upset that we got SCREWED by the government this year. Well, it was our fault. We plead ignorance at our home buying and how we didn't get the stimulus because of a 45 day mishap. Had we closed 45 days later, we would be sitting so pretty right now. Ugh. I took my aggressions out on the yard.

Jason was calm and I turned into super bitch for about 20 mins. "We look like idiots!!!" I said that too many times. But, we have a house and we love it...but man, we're nice and broke for a while. I need an attitude adjustment. I've been having anxiety all afternoon...cranky...and just plain frustrated. Life is good though. What can we do about it now?? Nothing. Just try to be more careful in the future. It's raining now or I'd be out pulling weeds. I just want to focus on weeding and raking for hours until I feel better. There's plenty to do!!!

The thunder is really rolling in. I'm going to retire to the living room and enjoy it.

It's raining again...

Jason is on the road today. It's raining. The sky is gray and thunder is making a nice backdrop to the drops hitting steadily on the roof. The trees are in bloom at least...and the cardinal is taking a shower on the tree right outside the kitchen window. Z is whiny today. Tired. Me too. We're trying desperately to have more tummy time. She hates it. But, she's not rolling over yet and she's not supporting herself with her arms. I guess she's suppose to be able to do this?? It's frustrating. Doctor visits somehow make me feel like a shitty parent. She has a bit of a flat part to the back of her head. The doctor said it was minor...but I felt like she thought I put my daughter on the floor and leave her all day. I'm too sensitive. We researched it a lot when we got home. It is more prevalent now that babies sleep on their backs. It'll go away...that's what most people say--including my two sisters. "Don't worry so much about it!" I worry about it...and everything else. It killed my mood yesterday. I think it did Jason's too. We're paranoid parents. I just wish someone would come see it and say, "that's totally normal, she's fine, don't worry."

She grunting up a storm behind me. Tummy time sucks. She hates it, therefore, I hate it. I'm doing my best here...but she just can't get those arms under her. It's a sad thing to watch. Just get me to 6 months already!

My daughter is effing cute.

We are in the honeymoon stage, I know this. We're thinking she's cute doing about anything. I know the time is coming when she'll drive me up a wall and I'll need to be away from her in order to not hurt her. But for now, she's dreamy and smiley and laughy. I'm trying to soak in this time...so when she's screaming how much she hates me and that she's going to move in with her boyfriend...I'll have this to look back on.

A perfect afternoon

Z and I spent some time on the deck this afternoon. It was too hot around 2, so we went back out around 4 and just watched the birds. She rocked and I flipped through my Entertainment Weekly mag. Even Meryl came out. She was VERY interested in the birds. I got an awesome shot of a finch eating out of the feeder. The trees swayed and made a gorgeous relaxing soundtrack. The birds chirped and I sat there and made myself capture the moment mentally. Ever do that? You sit and think, "remember this moment...you're happy." I've been sitting inside for a couple days watching Sex and the City dvds. I started with season 3 and now I'm on 5. 4 is my favorite. I seem to understand different things more and the strike me differently than they used to. I laugh a lot more...and cry a lot more When Miranda's mother died, I just sat and cried. But, laughter quickly followed. It's a great series for the bipolar.

The days have been getting warmer and my mood is elevating. I need the sun. NY may not be the perfect choice for living if the sun is a major component in being happy...but I couldn't be without seasons. Maybe I love it so much because I appreciate it.

Today was appreciated. The blue sky, the birds, the warm sun...and Z laughing and cooing next to me. Perfect.

Random thought this morning...

As I was taking out the trash this morning at 7am, I noticed two kids walking to school. They seemed very close in age, yet, they walked about 10 paces apart. I thought it was sad. We all live on the same block, it's obvious that they aren't friends. Reminded me of my walks from home. In 7th grade, they were lonely. In 8th grade, I walked home with Kortney and Joel. Kortney and I also walked to school together every day. That 15 mins before school when you can touch base with a friend and walk the streets of your home town to school was a GREAT way to start the day. Simple things like that made my childhood nice.

Just a random thought. More to come...