Tuesday, November 30, 2010

When blue...decorate!

So yesterday I was still a bit blue about my family leaving, but today I've perked up and decided the best way to fight the blues is to decorate the house! It's cold and rainy (and will be for days) outside and there's no better time to make the inside of the house warm and festive.

Oh, here's the pics of our new wallpaper. I love it. The bathroom is harder to see, but it's green vines...it used to be peach paint. yuck.

We're spending Christmas in Florida so maybe the decorations will be tamed down this year. Last year I was pregnant and went a little crazy with them. The house was lit up in every room. Z will be walking and grabbing everything in sight, so I think all the decs will be put out of her reach. No big tree for her to pull down. I've never had a destination Christmas. It'll be less stress I think. We're trying to decide about Epcot, The Magic Kingdom and/or Universal Studios. The tickets are $82/piece! I think we'll have to pick one. Z is too young to understand or remember anything so I think she'll be chilling with gma and gpa. I don't want to scare her with life sized stuffed animals that walk around. That could be frightening.

It's the time of year to take stock in what you have. To think about all the things that make your life great. I spend a lot of time looking back and wishing I'd done some things differently--but, we're here now and we're happy and I wouldn't change a thing about the outcome. Life lessons are so hard. To think I have to watch Z go through tough times ahead as she figures it all out makes me tired. I'm so much of a control freak at this point in my life...I'll need to remember I can't make her life choices. (Although sometimes I wish I'd had someone to make mine for me.)

The soreness in my ankles has gone away. Could it be that I was depressed and didn't know it? The pills seem to have worked. How odd.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

a silent night

We celebrated little Zoë's 1st birthday a bit early. Some fam was in town for Thanksgiving...so, what the heck. She got her angel food cupcake with my grandma's frosting recipe EARLY! She did a great job!

Thanksgiving was fantastic...but man, I was exhausted. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 13 hours. It was amazing.

I've been away from this for a while. My mom and sister were in and I didn't spend time in front of the computer. Now, life will get back to normal and I'll be writing my questions and observations again. It's hard to come down from having family in. (depending on the family members...) It was great to be around my mom and sister--we were able to laugh a lot- something we all needed. We know each others boundaries and kept well within the "what not to talk about" lines. We focused more on enjoying the time...and eating. I'm not sure I've ever been to the grocery store more in a week.

Tonight, the air is frosty, Z is sleeping blissfully, I'm well rested after 2 naps today and my house is quiet. The silence is welcomed yet, makes me miss the chaotic surroundings. I think we're going to start trying for baby #2. It's time to have another baby around here.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Japanese Maple--feeling a little naked

What is this feeling...am I....happy??

Ok, I'm just going to say that lately I've felt...lighter. My heavy mood seems to have lifted. Now, this could be because the holiday season is here and I'm always happier during the holidays. We have family coming and things to look forward to. It could just be adrenaline. I'm not going to rule out the help of the new meds...but I'm not going to base it all on them either. I know I'll come off of them in the near future since I can't be pregnant on them. Sometimes medication can help in the short run. My LONG run of them has made me very wary of their presence in my life. These don't curb my appetite or libido. No weight will be lost on these. (Damn.) However, I am working out and watching my snacks. We'll be in Florida for Christmas, so I have to break out the warmer gear for a week or two. Toned arms are nice to have when that happens.

Our bedroom is almost finished! We went with light gray paint to offset the dark wallpaper. I will take a pic when it's finished. I love it. Now we're addicted and want to do all of our projects NOW. We're holding off though...it's nice to do things in stages. It gives you something to look forward to.

Oh, by the way, the December issue of Oprah's mag (it's a blue cover, I think it's December) has some really great gift ideas!!! Just a heads up.

I'm hoping the gifts will be less this year. I'd like to focus on time spent instead. My memories of the holidays are based around my feelings of togetherness...not of what I got under the tree. Z will be a cute age. She'll like wrapping paper. She has enough toys for now. I think we'll focus on the sights and sounds of Christmas. Oh, and the smells!! The holiday meals...that's the real reason I'm losing weight. I want to gain it back without feeling horrible about myself later.

Sad news--the Japanese Maple lost her leaves yesterday in our big wind storm. She has a few leaves right by the window...almost to say goodbye. I just took pictures of them and will post them later today.

Well, folks, enjoy the day. I plan on reading in my magazines and snipping out gift ideas and recipes. Simple things. The happy me is pretty boring and nauseating. But, I feel better with the thoughts in my head these days. I'm also better to be married to.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Today we're having our room wallpapered and painted. The bathroom as well, but I'm looking more forward to the bedroom having some type of finish to it finally. We still don't have a nice bedroom set, but all in due time. Little by little....

I'm not sure if it's the medication or the anticipation of my family coming, but my mood has lifted. I've felt MUCH better than I have in months. My right hand is still stiff and hot, but my emotional health is enough to keep me balanced. Wendy and Mom are coming in on Sunday and I can't wait. I love visitors. They haven't seen Z in a few months so it will be fun for them to see how much she's grown. I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, so J's family is also coming to down. We'll have 14 people here for 2 days. I'm thrilled. It's sort of a dream come true really. My favorite memories of childhood are when all of my family got together. It didn't happen after 1982, but I still remember the feeling. It'll be the first holiday my mom will have without her brother. I'm hoping the crowd will keep her mind off of it a bit. She is still suffering a lot. I'm sure it never goes away.

The day is cloudy and dark. My Japanese Maple looks dark red against it...but so calming in a way. It's been rainy and cold. Yet, I've been very well. I started back to the gym. I've gone almost every day and I feel so good about it. Z goes to Miss Marie's --the daycare--and does such a great job! She's so happy and independent. She doesn't seem to miss me at all when I'm gone. I'm actually happy for that. Missing people has controlled my life for a long time. I really don't like it. I was practically immobile in my early 20s because of the thought of leaving people. Of course, to remedy the situation and cure myself...I moved away from everyone to create my own space. I do feel good here. I've always felt that if I lived close to my friends and family, I would fall back into my codependent tendencies. I start to rely too much on them and become needy. Here, I can feel independent and they can come visit. It's more healthy for me.

Ok, now back to watching more about the Royal engagement. I'm oddly entranced by the whole story of Will and Kate. It's a fairy tale for some Americans. We don't have royalty here. I've always loved to learn about their life. Kings and Queens...it's all in stories I heard as a child. From a far...we create anything out of their experiences. It's almost like they aren't real to us.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Branching out.

Well, I've had 4 people tell me lately that I need to find a Mommy group. I've looked. I can't find anything near me. I registered at two sites and it seems to me that those are the wrong way to go. The groups in my area have 4 people in them...and haven't been active in the past year. Hmmm. I'm going to have to be more creative. Maybe they are hiding. An online group won't help me. How could it be that in an area of 1 mil people that there wouldn't be one I could find?? Am I not looking in the right place? I'll continue to go to Barnes and Noble and see if anyone wants to hang out with me. I feel like a new kid in school. "PLEASE be my friend!!" I seem desperate. It's embarrassing.

The week went quickly. I enjoyed the solitude in the evenings. I know Jason missed us, but he seemed to have a good time. He got an autographed picture of the Laker Girls. I don't have anything nearly as interesting to show from my week. Z is getting better on her feet, he'll see that. I've been reading my Nora Ephron book...and would have it finished by now if I wouldn't get tired each time. I haven't blogged because my mind has been somewhat blank this week. And I've been napping pretty much every time Z naps. That's been nice.

I know I need to be more social. Up to this point I really haven't been lonely--not that I am now. But, it would be fun to have some friends that didn't have to fly to see me. I feel like putting an ad in the paper. "Desperately Seeking Someone...Anyone!!"

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

I'm so deep in thought so early in the week!!

Today, as I look out the deck window, I see that most of our trees are naked. There are berries on one of them still and the Japanese Maple still has her rust leaves. It's a different kind of beautiful. Browns and rust colors fill Rochester. I guess this could be a depressing scene...but it is calming.

My friend Dustin came in on Friday afternoon. We spent the weekend watching horror movies, visiting Cornell's campus in Ithaca and playing with Zoë. She took about 36 hours to warm up to him but was in love with him by the last day. He went with me to take her to Barnes and Noble's story time. I let her down and watched her crawl/walk around and greet the other children. HUGE smiles and finally sat across from me with another baby. She's not afraid. She's so social and happy. I felt a little sad. She's independent. It's a good thing. It's exactly how I'd want her to act.

Having D here was good for the soul. We've been friends for 10 years or so. It's nice to be around someone that knows you. We've both struggled with similar things in our lives. And now, he's happy, settled into a stable relationship and loves his job. Maybe those who struggle the most in their 20s and make it out alive are seasoned veterans of life and go on with a great sense of self. We know where are weaknesses are and having such low times in the past makes for a great point of reference for appreciating fully what we have now.

Jason is gone until Friday night. He's in LA at a sales conference. I know it was hard for him to leave Z. He has a hotel room overlooking downtown LA. He's eating well and being entertained. I'm eating cereal for dinner and trying to keep my house plants alive. However, I do feel we're both relaxing in our own way. The time away from each other is good I feel. Sometimes being a couple causes you to forget the joys of solitude. I'm reveling in it. After Z goes to bed, the house is quiet. The computers are off and I'm just left with myself. I'm happy to report that I still like myself and that even though I feel the outside world could classify my existence as dull, I feel happy and at home.

After Z wakes, I'm headed to Target for baby supplies and hopefully they have Nora Ephron's new book! I love her take on life. She wrote a book about aging that I'm really excited to read. I've been reading journal entries in May Sarton's memoir "At Seventy" and trying to learn some lessons of life of the women who have more of a perspective. I wish there was a kind of mentoring program for people my age. You can join Big Brothers/Big Sisters...but I want one where I get to spend time with a woman in her 60s and hear how life has taught her. Yes, I could talk to my own mother. Maybe a group of women. I'm not a leader, never have been. I follow. I look to others to guide my way. I'm hoping my book club will have some new teachers for me.

I'm rambling...more when it happens.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

I'm in denial I guess...

I just got back from my doc appointment for my joint pain. He said I was negative for lupus. He asked me a ton of questions about my life pre=pregnancy and then post. He said that he was going to put me on an anti-depressant. Huh?? Well, he feels that I'm in denial about having depression and/or anxiety. Really? It's possible. "It fits all of your symptoms." Ok. He was very kind to me. He told me I need to get out of the house and get to the gym. Also, I need to do some un-mommy things. The book club seems to be a positive thing. He told me that if I wasn't dealing with my depression, it can manifest physically. "Do you talk about how you're feeling?" Yes...and no. I blog. I haven't talked to my therapist in a long time. I also am very anti-down. I can't stand to feel blah or upset. Yet, in my blog, it seems apparent. Shit. I had such a time with depression before...I don't want to go back there. I'm tired after the appointment. I just want to go to bed. More denial traits! Jason leaves this pm for an overnight work trip. Maybe the time alone will be helpful. It's hard to think about everything the doc said with Jason worried over my shoulder. When I even mentioned the findings, J said, "you need another doctor. We've already been through this." hmmm. I think Jason is a bit afraid of going through it again, too. I don't feel the same as I was. I don't think I'll wilt and become overwhelmed in darkness. The doc asked if I was overwhelmed. "No...if anything, I'm underwhelmed. I'm bored. I feel boring. I feel like running away." Course, that sounds like I'm a psycho. But really, what mom doesn't feel like running away from it all sometimes? I think I'm normal. I think I'm a mom...I'm tired, frustrated, needing adult conversation and creative stimulation. That's normal, right?!!

Dustin comes on Friday morning until Monday night. Hooray!!! I can focus my energies on girl time. It will be great to hang out and talk and talk and talk. (This is what we do normally...talk from the time say hi until we say goodbye.) It's good for the soul.

I'll take the meds and reevaluate in week or two. The doc wants to see me in 6 weeks.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010


it's late at night when the demons seem to crawl into my head. last night i laid there thinking and thinking about crazy things. horrible things. things that made me wonder if needed medication. the overall thought was being horribly bored with myself. wanting a radical change. i'm so afraid of being blah and my life meaning nothing to me. i worry about the risks not taken and the places not seen...the people not met. i keep trying to see myself in the future. what does that look like? what changes can i do from here? last night i came up with the idea to finally take guitar lessons. not sure if that will happen but it was a good idea. i did rsvp to a book club here in town. we're reading Faulkner to start. damn. I really am not a huge fan of his...but that was years ago when i formed that opinion. i'll try again. (Light in August)

I'm about to go vote Democrat for NY Gov. I CAN'T STAND Carl Paladino. Ugh. I really despise him. If he became Gov I would think about moving.


Then you've earned the right to bitch about it all later.

Monday, November 01, 2010


i thrive on change. i changed the look of the blog...again. it's like rearranging a room and feeling like you have a brand new place to explore. i used to do it all the time as a kid. i rearranged my room to make it seem like all was different. i kept moving for a change as well. it's addicting. i love where i live now, but i would move again. now, with z, it's hard. it wouldn't be fair to her. we have to keep her grounded. but, i daydream. i want to live in london. i've always wanted to live there...or somewhere in scotland. that was my daydreamed future as a kid. not as a wife. not as a stay at home mommy. i lived abroad. i was far away...and alone. sounds awful, doesn't it? london probably isn't in my future as a home, but i want to visit it again.
i love new beginnings. i love the unexplored. again, ode to a grecian urn is my life. keats died so young...but he really connected to something there.
if you're out there reading this and you are at a place in your life where you're restarting or in a new place in life...RELISH it. it can be scary, yes...but it can also bring you new life.

Boo Hoo

It's November already. My child is almost 11 months old. Right now she is taking a nap and I'm pretty sure she has a dirty diaper. I passed by her room and could smell it. Yeah, I didn't wake her up to change it because she's been a demon and needs her sleep. She's growing...and changing every day. At times, she becomes unrecognizable. Her sleeping habits change out of nowhere. She's MUCH more vocal. She also developed a look on her face that is so devious it scares me. But, she's cute and happy...and blows her food in my face now when she doesn't like it. Ick.

My body aches today. The weather dropped about 30 degrees in just days. My joints are puffy and hurt. I am headed to the doctor on Friday. I was suppose to take the anti-inflammatory drugs for a month and I haven't. I forgot. I'm going to lie to the doctor. I need answers. I'm going to take them this week religiously. Then, lie.

Halloween was great fun. We all dressed up and had one trick or treater. That sucked. But, we had a blast ourselves. We made pizza and took pictures of Z. She seemed to like our costumes and didn't mind her own. It was a success. The lack of doorbell rings could be because it was freezing. It rained and then it hailed. Yeah, too cold for walking up our long drive. Our street is also very dark and windy and the houses are set back in trees...and it's not a through street. It screams, "we'll yank your kid into our house and you'll never see them again." But in the daytime it's soooooo pretty!