hello, my friend, hello

Dustin left a few hours ago. I'm bummed. It's cold. I'm sick of the cold. And now, back to zombiemommyhood. not that i'm depressed, i'm really not. i just miss my friends. i'm thankful that he visited. i wish i could sit with each of my friends and just talk to them...and know how they're doing...and how they feel about things. that's one thing i do miss about college--the endless hours spent just getting to know people.

Random Roc mutterings...

It's at least a warmer morning. However, we are expecting 6 inches or so by tomorrow noon. Rochester normally doesn't get as much as Buffalo...but this year, we're really getting slammed. I'd still live in Rochester. It's really a beautiful place to live. I'm actually headed to BUF in a couple of hours to pick up Dustin. Normally, we love to stop at Anchor Bar to eat wings...not sure about today. Z isn't as easy to do this with. She's wiggly and always wants to walk and explore. I'll promise him BBQ at Sticky Lips and we'll come home. Rochester is known for Dinosaur BBQ...well, not KNOWN, but it seems to be the BBQ joint of choice. When searching around our first trip here, we found Sticky Lips and LOVED IT. We've been going there ever since. We're very loyal restaurant people. I'm very loyal to certain joints in Chicago as well. When we visit, we always go to Flat Top Grill, Silver Cloud and Hacienda. I really miss those places--I have so many great memories there. Chicago is a great place to live when you're single...when you're adventurous, when you're growing and if you're open to meeting people and working wherever you can find a job. I look back fondly...it raised me. Jason feels the exact same way. We grew up there. I didn't grow up in college, like most. It took me a while. Chicago's people and experiences allowed Jason and I to grow into the people that we are today--and to be able to grow into the couple we are.

So, Dustin (who was along for my Chicago journey--tho we met in Kansas City) is coming for our BIG Oscar weekend! Typically it's full of Oscar nominated movies, horror flicks (since J, D and I love them), yummy food and lots of talking. We've added playing with Z as another past time. We have lots to discuss. He's on the verge of making some life altering decisions and it's time to talk it all out.

I need to post my predictions...I'll do that. But, now, I need to get out of my pj's.

Mad Winter Blues

I'm officially pissed at Winter. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of my house being chilly and of not going out because it's just too cold. Z has a runny nose, so I'm not going to drag her out just to make myself feel better. UGH! Snow everywhere and nothing melting. (Scream!!)

Update: I wrote yesterday about my friend Sarah and how she seemed to be out of my life... She texted me last night and thanked me for trying so hard to make contact. She says she'll call me soon. Hopefully. The text made my day. That's all I need people! Just make contact!! I don't need long conversations with my friends. I just need a little email or text here and there to make me feel connected.

Today, I'm holding off on making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Jason is sick of all of the sweets in the house. I love to bake! I'll wait for Dustin to arrive and then bake away! We'll need lots of comfort food around the house. He appreciates sweets. I appreciate that. Tomorrow is the day! I'm thrilled to have company. I love it. I could always have guests. Hmmm...maybe I'm a B&B person in the making.

The sky is so clear and bright blue. It's casting great shadows on the snow. I have to focus on the beauty of this...or I'll go mad.

Needing to rip off the rear view mirror...

I keep trying to Twitter and I'm awful. I like to read others' posts, but what interesting thing would I really have to say? I post crap. It's ok. It's a good place to get news. Hell, I wouldn't know about Jen Aniston's new hair without it!

Dustin is coming on Thursday morning. YAY. He always visits when it's freezing out so we don't do much outdoors. There's a great Civil War exhibit at the Eastman House, so maybe we'll take a look. He might enjoy the Museum of Play as well. They have a great Butterfly room. I love seeing all of the butterflies and birds in there. You feel so chosen if they land on you. (They never land on me) There's one in the Smithsonian as well, but I hear this one is bigger. Huh.

Z is suffering with a runny nose--this means I suffer and that she hates me this week. Every time I try to wipe it, she screams. It's awful. I can't handle it running into her mouth.

I've been struggling to contact one of my girlfriends. She doesn't reach out. She doesn't return my calls or texts. She does have the flair for the dramatic...but it's starting to hurt my feelings. I actually dreamed about her last night. I have friend-rejection issues. I STILL have dreams about 7th grade...that's just sad. My friend Sarah and I met in college. She's a larger than life person. I just miss talking to her and am not sure what to do. Jason says, "It's time to let her go..." I don't do that well. Once I love someone, I love them.

The view outside the loft windows is the same: snow covered yards, clear streets and tons of deer tracks. I guess it's pretty, but the temps make it miserable. Z and I have cabin fever. I need to get out and go to Barnes to get Freedom. That's my book club pick for this month. It's a huge book...I need to get cracking.

Last night I thought about (or rather obsessed about) roads not taken. I asked Jason if he regretted his career track. He said no, but he does think about other avenues. I wish I'd been more clear headed in college. J's brother is going to spend a semester abroad in London. I always wanted to do that. I should have. I was needy and played the part of victim in college. I had lots of friends, but I'm not sure why. I wish I'd pursued the film avenue more. I think I'd be a great producer. I think I maybe could have done lots of interesting things...

This makes it sound as if I'm unhappy. I'm not. I got lucky. Great husband, great baby, great life. But...now it's Z's time. I'm here for her. Jason says he wants me to pursue whatever I want to do. He's back in school and doing well! (just got his first test back--an A--of course!) Maybe when Z is a little older, I'll take a course. Until then...I'll read more and discover new recipes.

ZZZZZZZ

Currently, Jason is asleep in the loft and Z is asleep in her room. It's glorious. I spent the morning baking chicken. I figured, I can use it all week for different recipes and not have to bother each night with something new. Man, it's messy.

It's freezing out. We got more snow. J is off today. He's been relaxing and playing with Z. Nice. I got to sleep in and I took a short snooze already. I might just take another one. It's too cold to be awake. This weather turns all of us into bears. And now that papa bear and baby bear are sleeping...I'll take that que.

Nice Reminders

I got this FWD from my mom today. I just liked it, so I'm sharing it. You can change "God" to whatever you need it to be...

HANDBOOK 2011

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2010 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Your body is a wonderland

I keep thinking about the Vain post I wrote yesterday. If I read that as a blog browser, I'd be annoyed. I couldn't sleep...again, thinking of WHY I'm so screwed up about this. I hate to place blame...because I'm an adult, however, I do feel that the comments my dad makes affect me. Just little comments about weight. He shouldn't affect my physical choices. For example, a few years ago I wore my hair curly. It's naturally curly and I was embracing it! He told me that he liked it better straight and I'm not sure I've had it curly since. Jason says he misses it. See, that's weird, right? My dad has commented on weight here and there and it makes me feel as if his love is conditional. It's not. I know this. However, it's the issues I have with men. (Gosh, let's count them.) Anyway, I'd love to be able to love my body no matter how it looks. I only feel this way about me. It doesn't even cross my mind with other women. In fact, I'm more put off by women that are too skinny--which to me looks gross. A woman's curves are so pretty to me. But, yes, when I see Jen Aniston in a bikini look the way she looks at the age she is...it makes me feel as if I need to look that way, too. Jason always says, "She's an actress...she works out a lot. Normal people can't spend hours working out every day." True. But, I can work on how I eat. I'm addicted to sugar. I've always been that way. I LOVE dessert.

This is boring me. I guess I just wanted to address the issues instead of just worrying if I'm really vain. Hmmm. All I can do is be conscious of what I eat and make sure exercise is a part of my weekly routine.

Now, excuse me while I drink my coffee drowning in French Vanilla creamer. Ridiculous.

Vain

Again with the drip, drip, drip. At least it's outside this time. We're suppose to have 50 degree weather today. I expect flooding down our street. Not really, but the snow is piled up to 7 feet in some places. Crazy.

I happened to catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror last night. Granted, it was bad lighting, but I couldn't sleep afterward. I'm 36 and I admit, I have a body issue. I feel that I should look like I did at 25. No, it's not going to happen. Unless your Jennifer Aniston. My God. So, today I spent all morning doing exercises. We're going to the gym a few times a week--twice this week already. I have issues...and I've mentioned them before. I asked Jason if he'd rather be physically fit without trying or have 1 million dollars. He said the money. I said the body. What does that say about me?? I upped it to 10 Mil...but you also were 50 lbs overweight and could never lose it. He said he'd skip the money. Hmmmm. What if it were 20 lbs only? He said he'd probably do it.

We have strange conversations.

Steven Tyler is HOT...hmmm...he's in his 60s...ok, in a weird way.

Last night I went to bed at 8pm and slept for almost 11 hours. It was amazing. I want to have some down time tonight...but gosh, it's a quarter til 8 and I'm exhausted. We went as a family to the gym. Z does very well at the daycare. J and I are really trying to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'd go 5 if I could. My muscles are sore today. ugh. He took a test today in his Master's class. Just the thought of him filling out a test turned me on. Ha! My husband is a smarty. The fact that he's kind and hot just kills me.

Sorry. Throwing up???

Tonight is Idol night...so I can't go to bed. It's our together time. We're Idol people. Jason loves to "sing" and I love Steven Tyler. There is something about him that is sexy...right?? Plus, he's just so damn funny and animated. The NY Times did an article about him on Sunday. They raved about him. He's so cool--I really want to raid his closet.

Enough for tonight. A short post. Enough to make me feel accomplished.

Here's the article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/arts/television/13idol.html

Go get Easter Candy for Valentine's--it's better.

Happy Valentine's Day--if you celebrate it. If you don't, that's perfectly acceptable. I'd say I celebrate it enough to get a card. I got J a travel coffee mug this year--how romantic, I know. He always loses them. This one won't be a BIG celebration because it doesn't need to be. Some years we put more emphasis on it than others. Maybe we need it more sometimes. We're in a good place right now...happy and content. But probably the biggest reason...we've been eating WAYYY too much candy in the past month that we can't bring any more in. HA!

Z and I went to Barnes and Noble this morning for story time. We haven't done that in a while. While I was picking out a card for J, an older man asked me if he could hold Z while I looked. WHAT THE HELL!!!???? I said, "Oh, no thank you..." And promptly left the card area. Seriously? Am I jaded or is that just screwed up? When I went back, Z picked something off the floor and handed it to me. It was a Xanax. Holy crap. BN is a pedo- drug den today.

However you celebrate today--if you do, you should at least take the time to write out a few things about what you love about yourself. Shouldn't we be reminded as to why we like ourselves??

1. I think I'm funny
2. I'm happy about my lot in life
3. I (we) created a beautiful girl
4. I have terrific friends--that I obviously attracted.
5. I love my adventurous spirit

There...not bad.

Eat a lot of chocolate today. I hear that the Cadbury mini eggs are out. They are just soooo damn good--addictive and amazing.

S A D

OH it's cold out there. The upside is that there aren't any drips. The downside is cabin fever.

I can't express enough how done I am with this Winter. It is affecting so many...in bad ways. We need the sun. We need it to be happy. We need the Vitamin D.

I know there are people out there struggling. Hang in there. Get medicated if you need it. Or get a special lamp.

I'm not suffering as much as I have in the past. But, I've been there and it's hard. When it's chemical...it's just inescapable. Do whatever you can to feel better. Physical activity does help...at least it does for me.

Have sex!!!

Telltale Winter

Drip, drip, drip...the sounds of our house currently. We have a leak in the kitchen and multiple in the garage. J is going around with the wet vac constantly...and maybe cussing a little.

The snow keeps on falling. 3-4 inches last night, more tonight and tomorrow. UGH!! I give up!! If I could waive a white flag I would. You couldn't see it though...

Well, here is a cute pic of Z though. That makes it worth it a little. She loves to eat snow.












Here's one with the deer...












The drips make me want to rip up the floor boards!!!!!

It's Friday--I survived.

Storms hit Kansas and Chicago BIG TIME this week. Wow. Mostly ON my birthday and the day before. I had friends calling from Kansas City with their misery. KU and KState were both closed as well as all of the government offices. We reminisced about the day KU closed when we were in school. Everyone got a snow day or two in KC in Chicago. Pretty crazy. I loved Facebook for the fact that I was able to see so many of what people were dealing with as they posted pictures and movies of the snow. Seeing Lake Shore Drive looking like a graveyard...pretty cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV3Bcngnv3M



The MIL has been here for a week and leaves this morning in 3 hours. I've been thankful for her consistent playing with Z, but not for the side comments and WEIRD fights we've gotten into. You just wouldn't believe how strange. Z is officially spoiled, but that's ok. She's still a good girl.

We went to Little Gym this week and I really enjoyed it. Z loved it. The work they do with balance and the understanding she gains from how her body relates to other objects in size, etc. is cool. She'll hang on a bar soon! She already walked the balance beam her first day. Of course, she had assistance. Still.

Well, I turned 36 this week. Wednesday. Jason and I went for dinner and then to see Blue Valentine. He gave me a card that was beautifully written, chocolates he picked out for the box and a Pandora bracelet. So sweet. Very romantic actually! He did well. Seeing Blue Valentine was an experience. We went to the Little theatre--an art house. It's not something I'd run out and see again, but it made me appreciate what we have. Michelle Williams' performance was so good that I actually recognized myself in her from past relationships. It also was an interesting discussion point about having someone who did a wonderfully good thing for you--yet, it doesn't MAKE the marriage. It takes many things in combination for love to continue to grow and be nurtured. A good deed does not a good marriage make.


We have a leak in our garage apparently. When I went to get more milk from the other fridge, it was frozen over from the outside...drips from the ceiling coated it with ice. Hmmm.

But, FREEDOM soon!!! (Seriously, I'm being a bit of a brat here...she's been so good to Z.)