It's good, but it's not the same.

Growing up, you have your friends to yourself. You get all of their attention...and you get to do whatever you want. Even being single--same thing. Then, someone gets a boyfriend or girlfriends and screws the whole thing up. In HS, you had to fight for time. In college...the same thing. In your twenties you learn to intermingle your friends and your sigfig. But then comes the time of life when you have someone in your life that can't take a backseat....ever. I am one of the last of my friends to have children. It changes the game. When I used to visit my girlfriends with kids, I used to think, "when are we going to have time for just us??" Yes. It's hard to share. Now that I have Z, I am very aware of my time.  When someone comes to visit, I always try to carve out one on one time. Sharing the time with little ones is a necessary thing--but it isn't easy. However, your true friends will understand and they will intermingle with them as well. Life is constantly changing...so are the players. I miss the simpler times as well. But, I know it will get easier down the road, too. The child bearing years are just hard. You lose some of yourself in order to gain more.
I'm being beckoned as I write to come color. I must go.

Thoughts this dark Wednesday

The sun in not shining. It's warmer than usual. I'm worried that winter is almost over. We had 2 snows that counted. That's a bummer. I love being snowed in.  I love playing in the snow. I love the quiet in the evenings as it falls. I love the BLUE of the sky right before dark. Joan Didion writes about the blue nights of New York in her book, Blue Nights. It's lovely. I miss it this year.

Does this mild winter mean a hot summer? I hope not. This summer might get a bit uncomfortable...

Made it to the gym. I feel better now than before I went. That's always the goal.

It's already starting to get dark--it's not even 4:30 yet.

I have a secret.

Dustin comes in tomorrow morning. WAHOO. I'm ready.

Jason leaves for cold weather camping in the Adirondacks on Friday. I am NOT thrilled. They are hiking 3 peaks in the region...spending the night outdoors. The temps are below freezing. I wish he wasn't going. But, he is thrilled--and I've seen more camping/hiking gear in the past couple of days than I ever have. Ugh.

Z's moods are driving me bonkers. She is up and down...and then screaming...and then the most adorable child you've ever seen. It's so tiresome. Her vocabulary is great. She is a very funny little lady, too. We've got a lot of interesting thoughts and sentences ahead of us.

I got my hair chopped again...and darker. I love it.

Soon, I'll tell you my secret.

I will get through this. I will.

The week is getting me. It seems to be winning. I did get to the gym today. Ha! It's only Tuesday and I'm writing this. Dustin comes on Thursday. Though, I thought he was coming Wednesday and that set me up for disappointment. Only because I had it all in my head and then I had to rewire it. I need to get better at letting things happen as they happen. I grow impatient if I don't have a plan for the day. (Who am I???) The old me would be better at just relaxing about it all. Is this a mom thing? Maybe a mom of a young child thing? You feel you have to talk  yourself into the day---"I'm going to have enough energy to outlast you today...I'm going to have some gas left in the tank after you go to bed." Most times...it's only just a little. I have only one. I spend my day thinking..."How are my friends doing this?"

I need to finalize my play and get it handed in. It's all written in my head--just need a lot of typing. It's funny for a first jab. It works for me. I'm not disappointed--though it does have me rethinking if playwriting is for me or not. It is difficult. Wow.

I keep thinking about Whitney Houston. Mom and I have been watching tv shows about her and reading articles. I think we're just shocked at how her life spiraled out of control and no one could help. It makes you realize just how making the right decisions about getting into drugs (or getting out of them) and what friends you surround yourself with can really affect your life. She had some wonderful people in her corner. I hate to blame Bobby Brown, but he certainly didn't help. All in all, she seemed to have horrible self esteem issues. Another lesson--we see a beautiful, talented woman with the world at her fingertips. That's not what she saw.

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all."

yep.

nothing special

I went to the gym on Monday...with good intentions of the week! It's Thursday, I am just now getting ready to go back. Darn. Some days the umph is just not there. Today I'm kicking my own ass to get there. I worked on my play last night and today...it is getting closer. It makes me laugh out loud...so that's a good sign. I need it to be light hearted and funny. We will see how it goes. Class is tonight.

It's dripping outside. The snow is slowly melting away. What a weird winter. I just watched Smash from this week. The jury is still out on that show. Not sure. The writing is kind of bad. I love the singing...but that can't hold it together. I really want it to work. It's so cheesy and bland. The actors don't have juicy lines. And...it's so predictable. hum.

Today I feel I should've been a director. Tomorrow, maybe an editor. Definitely not a professional blogger.

When all other TV fails, I say tune into Downton Abbey. I find myself yelling at the screen though. It's so frustratingly good!

Crazy Lucky

As I cleaned up the kitchen this morning, I could hear the Today Show discussing all of the medication in Whitney Houston's hotel room. Whether she took all of them, we'll see. But what struck me was that I'd been on all of them--at the same time--and more. All during my 20s I was on medication for anxiety/depression. But, when I was 27-30 I was on the most I'd ever been on. It was a cocktail of medications that my "doctor" kept prescribing. I think I took 5 different meds and about 7 pills at one time. Their effects were life altering. I had no short term memory--(this lead to me getting being softly let go from a job), I would fall asleep mentally before I'd actually be asleep physically--(this lead to many conversations and such that I did not remember the next day) and I could hear things that no one else heard. I could hear music being played. No one else heard it. I could see sleet falling outside. No one else could see it. I was put on lithium for a time--a time where I threw up as much as I did when I was on Paxil years before. I drank at times while on these medications. I was irresponsible and out of my mind. I have complete losses of memory. I could look at one of my closest friends and couldn't tell you their name. It was an awful time. And...I was lucky. I could easily have been Heath Ledger or Whitney Houston. I could have overdosed many times--mostly because I couldn't remember if I'd taken my pills or not. It's easy to be confused. It's natural to trust your doctors. You feel as if nothing is going to hurt you...the medicine was prescribed to you, after all.

It's very easy for me to relate to what happened to Whitney. I had times of acting crazy...where I weighed next to nothing, when I treated people poorly--those I loved. I was a mess. I didn't see it. I loved being thin. I loved popping whatever in order to feel a certain way. I loved the escape of sleep and of feeling completely numb. I leaned on friends for money and for comfort. I treated men terribly, especially one. I was lucky I made it out alive. I think my saving grace was that I didn't drink heavily.

So many are not as lucky. It's shocking how easily we self destruct...and are aided by doctors to do so.

I finally quit all of it when I realized I wanted to be with Jason. I wanted to have a baby. I saw a future with someone who loved me for me. I knew I couldn't be so damaged...or I didn't want to be anymore.

I'm Blue

It seems that I continue to struggle with this damn anxiety feeling. It grips me and doesn't let go. Is it that I'm just made this way? Am I focusing too much on it? Though--I cleaned, baked and danced today, it didn't seem to matter. (Although I  made valentine's cookies with a delicious lemon glaze and they are so good.) I'm listening to music. I'm breathing in and out. It seems like I write more about this than I'd like. Is everyone like this? Is it a winter struggle? Is it the constant reminders of loss? Is it that I stay at home? Is it that I need something more to do? What is it?!!!

I don't want to feel this way. I want to be a happy person. I want to be someone is gets blue once in a while. But I seem to be a person who has phases of feeling blue weekly. It's not an all day thing...it lasts for hours and then subsides. Odd, right?

Mom just came up. She's short pages on her play--I  just talked her through her ending and gave her more of a resolution. She seems happy with the idea and is now off typing it up. Ah...if only life was so easy to rearrange and add whatever ending you wanted. For now I'm going to find comfort in the fact that many artists and writers struggle with the blues. This is giving me too much credit, but I'm going to hold on to it anyway--it gives me hope.

This song so reminds me of London with Lisa....ok, feeling a bit better.

Don't read if you are in a good mood. Relish it.

Today is cloudy, cold. My emotions are just at the surface. As I was driving back from the grocery store today--I thought, "I hope all of this is worth it."  I mean, with all of this sadness. Of course, life contains so many wonderful days--but today, the sadness of loss is taking me over. The loss over friends taken too soon. The loss of children. The loss of family members before we are ready to say goodbye. The loss of a pet. Tragic loss. Gradual loss. All of it. It just overtakes me sometimes...the weight we all bare. The pain we have to endure. Some endure so much more than others.

I just hope we understand one day. Right now...I don't and my heart breaks watching people go through so much pain.

It was the best of times...

Today I am quickly writing out a class exercise and finishing up the rough draft of my 10 min play. It's sunny again...but chilly. The sky is a gorgeous shade of blue, so I won't complain that we still don't have snow. Class is tonight and I'm hoping to leave a bit early to get to Starry Nights cafe bar for a little sip of something before it starts. Last week Mom had a sort of wine slushy--it was...interesting. If they'd sold margaritas I probably wouldn't have gotten her to class.

We've gone to the gym each day this week. I'm hoping to get going here again soon. It's been nice to have this time with Mom. We go to the gym together...we sit at the kitchen table all morning and write together...we watch Downton together. It's good. She's really digging into her past for this class and it is fascinating to hear all of these stories I'd never heard before. Little mysteries of the family that she's wondered about. It'll be a time I will think about later in my life. It's a time of discovery on both our parts.

Macca's back and so am I.

It's been a while--a week since I've written... Since then, I've turned 37, Paul McCartney released a new album, I've finally finished my idea for my 10 minute play and my mom arrived and is also working on her play. It's going well. My birthday was non eventful this year. I'm okay with it. I used to be BIG on birthdays...and maybe I will be next year. This year it was just wasn't in me to celebrate, I think I was too tired that day. The playwriting class is going well. I'm really liking it and finding it so interesting and fun. I also think it's helping Mom process some of the things she went through with her brother's death. She's writing about that whole situation. I shied away from writing about Bill and Lynn--I wrote a small two page piece about it and realized I wasn't ready to do that. Instead, my piece is about a woman who finds out that the group of friends she's had for a good number of years has been spouse swapping and she's the last one to know. As soon as it's done, I'll post it for you. It's funny, really. I am focusing on comedic beats throughout instead of getting so heavy. I felt it was too much pressure and it was dragging me down.

Still no real snow. This winter kind of sucks. I like huge snows and beautiful wintery days inside watching it all fall. I'm still hopeful. Today is sunny and nice, damnit.

Now that Mom is finally settled in, I'll feel like I can blog again daily. We've been watching Downton Abbey and writing each day.

BTW-- I am LOVING Paul's  new album. It is different than anything he's done. If you have time, you should listen to it. It's really relaxing and beautiful. I love him.

let it all hang out.

As anticipated, my lows yesterday made for highs today. Today, I feel perfectly balanced. I'm cleaning up the house and getting ready for my mom to get in later tonight. I have my scene with two characters done and am working on my monologue. It isn't my favorite...I think it might need to change.

It is rainy, but really beautiful outside. There are little droplets on the trees...makes them look as if they are decorated with crystals.

I was thinking about all of the things I use online and how much my likes and my personality flood into so many areas. I just started Pinterest and it's amazing to think of how my grandmothers would have used it. I was too young to ask them all the things I'm interested in now. I would love to know what styles they loved, what books, movies, recipes or quotes that were part of their lives. Every time I write or publish something, I think of Z. How she will know me unlike I know anyone in my family. My family is quite private. They don't talk about their feelings much. They certainly don't blog about their daily ups and downs. I've always felt somewhat like an alien. I think I am the way I am because of the guesswork I've used on trying to figure out how everyone feels. My mom, sister and dad are mostly mysteries to me. They are all kind people...but very reserved. Too much talking makes them squirm a bit--at least in my experience.

Maybe I do let it all hang out a bit much. It matters not to me. The best way to learn how to get through this life is from the experiences of others. My friends are mostly open books as well. They may need some prodding, but they normally open up and share what I need them to. I chose them carefully.

Live and share--you may help someone in ways you may never know.