"I'm still cool, right? Shit, what if I'm not...was I ever???"

I just got back in from mowing the yard. I love doing it. I think it reminds me of childhood. The sound of the motor, the smell of grass and feeling accomplished when you are done. I used to mow my grandpa's yard. He had a riding mower. I wasn't good at it, I was lazy when I did it, but he let me do it every week anyway. He paid me for it. In fact, mowing his yard my senior year allowed me to go on the senior ski trip. He loved to find reasons to give to me. He used to sit out on the patio and watch. When I was done, we'd throw all of the clippings in grass trailer and take them to the dump. Grandma would go along when we did this. I'd jump in the back with a pitchfork and throw them into the hole in the ground. It's amazing how this memory, boring to most, is something I treasure. Jason occasionally shoots video of me mowing or weed whacking--I think he thinks I'm a rare breed. He says it's the Kansas in me. I think it's just me trying to hold on to any kind of memory trigger I can. Also, it's one of the ways I can exercise. I'm trying to get back some resemblance of my former body. It will never be the way it was, I'm ok with that. AS long as I can fit comfortably into my clothes, I'm fine.

Mowing also makes me feel more...manly. That's silly. With all of this baby time and cleaning, I'm starting to feel as if I'm disappearing. The purple hair was part of my reappearing act. I wanted to pierce my nose, but then I read some in my Maya Angelou book and it convinced me otherwise. Damn it Maya! My fingernails are blue, my toenails are purple. What am I trying to prove? "I'm not boring. I'm not a boring mommy...housekeeper...cook...whatever." I'm still cool!!!! Well, I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I'm driving Jason crazy with my obsessive cleaning. I'm driving myself nuts, too. It's a delicate balance I think. I'm trying very hard to keep complete control over my surroundings thinking it will medicate me. Not that I'm depressed, I don't feel depressed. I'm just worried about becoming that way. My depression is like I'm an alcoholic. It's always there...it's just whether I participate in it or not. I've been "clean" for over 3 years now (with a minor hiccup now and then). It feels good. It's probably making me less fun...at least at times. Another reason for purple hair. I'm FUN!!! I'm spontaneous!! I'm not a cookie cutter mommy!! (My mantra)

How many times have I said I need to talk to my therapist and I haven't called???

.

This is our new table...and I LOVE IT. I have yet to find a suitable tablecloth for it but it will do just fine. This is the shortest post but I had to share my joy. Come over for dinner!!

I'm writing just to post something, anything. 90% of the time, I sit down and have no idea what I'll end up writing about. Tonight, I watched the series finale of LOST. I'm still thinking about it--but I really found it touching. I will expand on those thoughts later, but I need a night to sleep on it.

Just watched Julia Roberts on Oprah. I need to finish Eat Pray Love. I started reading it...I think it was the wrong time of my life. It might be the right time now. I have to connect to a book in some way to enjoy it. That's strange. At least now...in my "searching" part of life. I've been searching forever it seems. What am I looking for? The easiest answer is "myself." With each year, I feel as if I get closer, but I'm still waiting to feel a certain way about myself. I can't explain it. Something is missing. I'm afraid of failure...and of not finishing things. My idea for my book, for example. Why don't I just start working on it?? Probably because its completion relies on others to help. I worry that no one will have the time to be a part of it and it will just be something that no one returns to me. It's a compilation of things. It's sort of a study of women. My idea at least starts with a mailing to a lot of the women in my life to fill out. But, it'll take time and thought. Most of my friends don't have this luxury--they are too busy with work or children or both.

Maybe if I just started the composing of the mailing, it would help. hmmmm.

Z went to bed like an angel tonight. I can't figure out what the magic trick is. What am I doing right?

I'm off to find that book now. I have too many books that I haven't read in my home. It's filled with them really. I was thinking about that, too. One day, Z is going to say, "Mommy...we have LOTS of books in our house! Which ones did you read?" I need to have a good answer.

I'll start tonight.

It's Complicated.

It's Friday night. We grilled (sort of--used the GF grill). We ate and then we had baby baby bath time. Z has been a nightmare about going to bed lately. Tonight, as if she'd known I'd been bad mouthing her to my girlfriends, she fell asleep on our bed at 8ish and was easily moved into her own room. She's still crashed out. We took a long walk in the sun today, maybe that helped.

Tomorrow we are getting our new dining room table delivered. I can't wait. We've had our pub table since Chicago and it is just too tall to enjoy. It doesn't fit a family. My God how my life has changed. I'm excited about a table.

This week rekindled my love of Facebook. I found an old friend from college that I've spent a lot of time thinking of since we stopped talking over 10 years ago. It was your basic boy meet girl, boy and girl become inseparable friends for over a year, they kiss, they do more and it ruins it. I've regretted the loss of that friendship ever since. Another lesson to teach Z. If you find a soul mate kind of friendship and you're not sure about the romance part...stay away from it. You can love someone deeply without it being romantic love. That's a tough one to learn at 19. Growing up in a small town, you don't get a lot of experiences that make you ready for college friendships with boys. You think every boy has to be something romantic eventually. Wrong.

I had a similar case in Chicago. This is an interesting story. The person I'm writing about is probably reading this too... Anyway, I met a boy who had that same soul mate friendship thing going on. This one was more complicated though. Although I knew he was gay, I didn't really care. He was wonderful, funny, hot, adorable, smart, bright and loved to sing all the same songs as me! We used to spend the night together and wake up singing Harry Connick Jr. We cuddled and just were crazy about each other. I remember sitting in his living room and thinking, "THIS is why I moved to Chicago...this friendship." Ugh...I love him still. Obviously nothing happened there. Another lesson in "you can't choose the people you love, you just love them."

With Jason...I remember thinking how much I felt I had in common with him. I adored him. I was dating his roommate at the time...(man! I love complications!!) He was sweet and hot and gave really great hugs. I crushed on him for a long time. At first it was harmless...and then it wasn't. Now, I'm married to my crush. I still feel it. I see him and think, "my gosh, HE'S my husband...he's so hot and kind and smart and yummy." It's sick really. I love it.

Open your heart. It doesn't pay to ever get jaded...the highs and lows of love are what make life worth it. (you know i'm talking to you...)

.

Summer snow

The cotton woods are in bloom and they are shedding their cotton into the air creating this amazing effect of snow in the back yard. The sun is brightly shining and little pieces of white puff slowly guide throughout the air. It's really beautiful. It's something that reminds me of Kansas. I love living here, but Kansas certainly has its moments. It gets way too hot. It gets sticky and humid. Summers growing up in this sticky, hot climate were...wonderful. I can still feel the stings of an early summer sunburn. (NOT good for my complexion...I have tons of freckles now.) The lake was my best friend--well, that and the town pool. I was a lifeguard there for a couple of summers. Small town heat gets young kids into trouble. The fact is...there isn't anything to do...but each other. (ha.) It's true though. As a teenager in my little town, you pretty much spent your summer dying of heat during the day and doing your best to cool off with friends or lovers at night. The baseball diamond was a great place to be in the evenings. I'm still a huge fan of snack bar food due to that time in my life. We rode around in cars and were giddy and ridiculous. I wasn't a drinker. I didn't party--but man, I certainly was out of my mind with hormones and young love. When the 6 o'clock whistle blew--it was almost Pavlovian for me. The boy was off of work and would be coming to see me soon. My hands still sweat just thinking about it. Summer Lovin'...had me a blast for sure.

If there was a way to put that feeling into a bottle and put it high up in a closet somewhere...I would...just so I could occasionally sneak a sip here or there.

In the spirit of the sun and the way it makes everything pop (pun intended), I've added some pics of my yard including my two new flower baskets we got over the weekend. I know it's not quite summer yet...but it was fun to remember anyway.

Bigger

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

John's lyrics. I was listening to them today--I feel like he could have gone deeper with his meaning. I feel bigger than my body. My mind has always been too big for my head. My heart, as well. My heart is something that I feel has time travel capabilities. I feel love from past, present and future. I wake from dreams feeling things I felt 20 years ago. I spend time dwelling in those feelings as if I'm marinating in them to feel younger and more alive. I'm a romantic of the worst kind because I'm a movie lover. My romantic life is mostly in my head and always has been. I create scenarios for my life. I live out fantasies of the crazy sort with my husband in my head. It would be impossible to keep up. I've always created an outer layer of beautiful paint strokes of the men I've loved. When I look back on them...they are all beautiful colors (with the exception of one). I love where my heart has been...where by body has been. I love that I've been loved more than once and in different ways. I hope Z has these experiences. I hope her first love shakes her to her core and gives her a lifetime of joy and wonder when she looks back on it. I hope she knows how it feels to be adored and lusted after. I've done my share of lusting and loving. My heart has always been huge and ready to open. I obsessed over boys at a young age--not that I was ever noticed until much later. I created mix tapes and wrote journal entries dedicated to boys that thought of me only as a friend. I've always been in love with love. It's really the best thing. The feelings that rush over you, the ones you can't control. In my past life I was a poet. I'm convinced of this. I probably spent my life falling in love and just spending my life in it. I created out of it and probably died from a broken heart.

.

other women

i have a thing about other women. wanting to be like someone else other than myself. this started young--watching movies and trying to find characteristics i wanted to adopt to make me more interesting. i've pulled my personality from other friends and characters in movies for as long as i can remember. at times, i wonder how much of my personality is actually mine. when i was younger, i compared myself to others so much that i felt horribly insecure. i became "funny." i tried the shock value thing much to my advantage. i became the girl who would do anything crazy at the slumber parties. i feel as if i hide the fact that i have no real talent by trying to be witty and off the wall. i always wrote--but nothing that would make me an author. i wrote mostly about my feelings and a lot about my anger. my older sister was the pretty one. she had the good grades. she was talented. she could draw and paint and understand electronics. i didn't feel i could compete. i copied her love of musicals and how she decorated her room. i couldn't copy the grades...or the fact that she could read a map at a oddly young age. boys always liked her. i think that relationship with her--as a side kick was how i started fitting in with my friends. i was the side kick. my friends were popular and pretty...and sporty and talented. (It's gross really.) I tried my best to keep up with humor and a bit of harmless rebellion.

as i grow older, i still am so in awe of other women and their talents...and their bravery. (i'm listening to ani difranco--and all of this started pouring out) i wanted to learn the guitar, but i can't read music. i wanted to sing, but i never sounded as good as say, reva and treva. now, i'm a mommy to someone. i think to myself often,"what is she going to want to copy in me??" well, i can listen. i can be a good friend. i can find awesomeness in other people. i should have been a casting agent. i think i do well in recognizing talents in others. i will recognize her talents and rejoice in them. i will make sure she knows all of the special and amazing things she's capable of. i will remind her to always let people know how much you admire them...how much you love them. i will teach her to look towards her girlfriends for inspiration. anything i've accomplished in my life has been inspired. i'm not a leader but i pride myself in figuring out great women to follow.

i'm comprised of all of the amazing women that i grew up with...and even those i've met recently. there is such power in being a woman. it's a gift, but you have to do it well. being a woman is just chance, but being a good woman--that is a true gift to other women--you never know who is watching you...

Thursday morning funk

Z is in her chair...vibrating and relaxing.
I just finished up the trash getting--trash day today.
Drinking my morning shake of strawberries, blueberries, banana and SP Cleanse powder.
It's day 16 of my cleanse. 5 days left. I will survive it. I've lost 7 lbs and do feel better.
Today is a Target day. I need a mop. The Swifter is just not cutting it.
Z rolled over on the 11th!!! Huge reaction was caught on video for her to laugh at later.

Still planning our summer trip to New England. I'm VERY excited about this.
Also planning to see my touchstones in Kansas in June. This will feed my soul.
Getting my hair cut on Saturday--and adding purple and some other funky color to the highlights. why the hell not, right? Stay at home moms need FUNK.

Simon and Garfunkel are playing currently--Concert in Central Park. Calming....they are rocking out for me, to me--and I am virtually in the park with Z...we are dancing on a blanket.

It's that day again. The day when I look at the calendar and am amazed at how much time has gone by since you've been gone. It's not an anniversary...those are celebrated. It's more of a day of remembrance. I remember. You are in the frames in my house and when I glance to my right, you are hanging on the wall by my desk. It's the pic of us in SJ...a town you thought was charming. We spent our day eating downtown and running along the tops of the sand piles outside town--you, Sue and me. We spent time at my Grandpa's...drinking and laughing. I miss your laugh.

My daughter has pretty blond hair like yours. I'll teach her how to use rollers. I'll teach her to iron--as you pointed out was very important. I'll teach her to go slow with boys, but be boy crazy just the same. I'll teach her to be the voice of reason to her friends--as harsh as that voice may be. I'll teach her to laugh loudly and wear a big floppy hat to the grocery store. I'll tell her all about you.

Love you my friend.

It's amazing what 5 months can do

for your life. She's been alive for just a short amount of time, yet...my life is forever altered. We had a big talk today in her room. I told her about my room as a kid. She sat on my lap and listened very intently. I told her about the toys I remembered having...and the posters I had. I told her about types of people she might encounter and how to deal with them. I told her about some of my biggest regrets...and how she should try to live life big enough to have some of her own. "Don't play it safe...especially with love. You might end up crushed, but you can't build a strong heart doing it any other way." I sang to her a bit. We went for a walk. I told her about my hometown as we circled our block. "Mommy could walk from one side to the other of her town in 25 minutes." She didn't believe me. I told her I only graduated with 23 people. She laughed. I told her that her daddy takes longer to get ready than I do. She nodded. (She must have observed that already) I told her that if she does it right...in her life she'll have the most amazing friends from childhood to adulthood. She looked at GiGi (her stuffed Giraffe) and kissed her.

In Bloom.

I'm not doing so well at this...blogging. I lack the time--sort of. I spend my time doing some other things. Some things were worthwhile, some things, not. But, I keep trying. Today Z and I went for a "stroll" around the block. The sun was out, the trees are in bloom and the birds were singing to each other. My Japanese Maple finally burst into color. I love it. It's my favorite of our trees. The bush by our bedroom door has burst into a beautiful purply-pink color. Gorgeous. I have to say I love all of the seasons at my house. Even looking out on the naked trees during Winter is calming to me. Right now, just hearing the birds and the wind in the trees makes me feel happy.

Now to what doesn't make me so happy. My daughter is losing her beautiful blonde hair. ugh! She still has enough, but she used to have SO MUCH! Her head is so big now...I feel her hair couldn't keep up with it. (That's my theory) She is practically feeding herself now as she's taken control of her bottle by grabbing it and shoving it into her mouth. She's very smiley and loves to laugh on the changing table. She has YET to roll over. My little under achiever! That's ok. All in good time.

Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, I will take pics of all the trees and blooms in our yard. Won't you be thrilled. It'll be a nice way to document it anyway. This blog doesn't get read by many--(thanks to those who do!) but it's more of my own journal/scrap book. Just thoughts--flowing out. I do have an idea for a book though. I've had it for 2 years and I've just now started thinking about it again. I think I should pursue it. What am I afraid of??!!