Sad today.

Well, I woke up this morning and went to see the third cardinal baby. He/she had died during the night. I was/am heartbroken. I cried all morning. I realize that this is how nature is, but I was so attached to the little family. Watching as eggs, to chicks and then to see them learning to fly. We keep trying to figure out what to do with the baby. I want to bury it. I'm not sure if the cardinals will use the nest again...maybe not. I see the parents flying around but haven't seen the two babies. I've been sad all day. I'll get over it.

The pics are of the dad and the second of the babies.

Empty nest syndrome...

Cardinal update:

Two of the three chicks learned to fly today. They've left the third behind. He's in there, alone. Jason, Mom and I watched as the mother and father guided one of the chicks to safety after it's nest jump. It's really quite the sight. J got some great pics of it. I'll post them soon. The nest is empty so soon. I hope they stay in our yard. I feel so attached to all of them. The parents are so responsible and caring. What a good example they set.

Tomorrow morning, let's hope the third chick is gone. It's cold out tonight...and he doesn't have his siblings to keep him warm. That's the only thing I hate about nature. Survival of the fittest. If it dies in the nest, I'll have to bury it. Update tomorrow.

Floundering

We put up a bird feeder and a birdbath in the front yard. Initially, it was for the cardinal family. I was worried the parents were spending too long away from the next to find food. Yes, I am aware that this is a silly worry. However, I thought we'd just bring the food to them. Plus it was hot...and they need water, right? Ok, the emotional attachment to these birds is out of hand, I know this. I take pics of the every day...and when they fly away I'll have empty nest syndrome early. The bird feeder is a hit. Mom likes to sit with Z in the front room and watch all of the birds flutter in and out. The squirrels catch what the birds drop to the ground. It's fun to watch them all. Either you find this post charming or you think my life is as boring as any could get.

J's brother Nate is coming tonight with 2 college friends. Could be interesting. 3 19 year olds in the house. hmmm. Then on Sunday, Wendy and clan will be here for 10 days. That's a full house! I look forward to their visit, but it also means that mom's time here is coming to an end. I get so attached to her while she's here. This time, especially. Ugh. I want her to move to Rochester. It's too soon for her. She, like Jason, takes a lot of time to make decisions. I'm a snap decision person. I think I decided to move to Chicago, Cincinnati and then back to Chicago in minutes. I was driving down the road when I decided my move to Cincinnati. My friend Lisa lived there with her husband John. In fact, they were newlyweds and took me in. It was a great time for me. However, I was still in my medicated fog and wasn't much of a roommate I'm afraid. Cincinnati is beautiful. I spent 6 months there as happy as a clam. I love the city and I loved being with Lisa. They were very good to their lost friend. I hope I'm able to pay it forward one day. Some lost soul will need my help and understanding as they muddle through life for a while and I'll be there.

As you can see, I'm rambling...and have little of true importance to say.
Maybe later. I'll try to post some cardinal family pics. Hold your breath!

Sometimes I'm just too much.

I decorated the loft. It's very earthy. I found some great tin trees and suns at Big Lots (yes, Big Lots) and now the loft looks very cabin like. I enjoy it. However, it has cabin like heat as well. It's almost 90, not too bad. It rained a little but the weather man says the big storm is coming. I worry about the 3 babies in the nest. They are doing pretty well. I think it's 2 girls and a boy. They've been trying to keep cool but tonight, I worry the rain and wind will be too much for them. There's nothing I can really do about it but worry.

I cut my hair and dyed it pretty dark. I keep reinventing myself with my hair. It's a little too short, but it'll grow and it'll make the time between the visits longer. My hair has been about every color. Having a baby on my hip makes me feel invisible. People coo and such, but I'm seen as another mother. That's a strange thought to have. I know this. I have issues. I have to look cute and have funky hair in order to feel seen. I HAVE ISSUES!!!

Please God, don't have me try to live out the "pretty girl" fantasy with my daughter. She's pretty and I can tell she's going to continue to be. I went through an ugly girl phase for YEARS. It was just awful. The glasses, buck teeth and frizzy hair just didn't work for me. The experience scarred me. Thus, I must try to do as much with my hair and my appearance to this day. I'm 35 and feel as if I'm entering Jr. High each time I step out into the world.

I want to be 50. At 50, it seems women start to have a sense of who they are and they stop giving a shit about what other people think. They are calm and collected and they just live. I want to be this way. I've always cared too much about the thoughts of others. My insecurities are tied with my passions as well. I'm just a feeler in every way. If you dig a girl like that, it's cool. If you are someone who is more laid back and romance takes a backseat to "real life", I am tiring.

I should have listened to my gut in college. I should have stuck with the film route. They are all self involved people. They all can recreate themselves and constantly fall in love over and over and over. I can't act...but I could direct I feel.

CUT.

"No, it don't break even..."

This past weekend in Cleveland, I talked to J's sister who recently broke up with her boyfriend. When I asked her about it, she immediately teared up. Ugh. "It's hard..." I went to her for a hug and we both started crying. They love each other, but it's just not going to work. I've been there. And the tears came just remembering that heartache. She's so sad and angry and confused. I look at Z and know she, too, will have this feeling at some point in her life. Heartbreak is awful. My first broken heart was around 19 or so. First love was amazing and heart wrenching. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times--definitely. I learned so much about my heart and its expectations and limitations. I'm happy to say that my first love is still a friend of mine still. Whew! I dream about him all of the time. Is that weird? I think its my heart's way of digesting anything related to love. He was the first and the most intense, so my brain plugs him into whatever situation. We were a country song...and now we both have our own families.

I've loved a couple times since. Well, more than a couple I guess. I loved someone who could never love me--I don't recommend that. He loves me now, but it's not romantic love. We are good friends. I loved someone who didn't love himself. Don't recommend that either. We, too, are still friends. I loved someone who wanted to fix me. (Do I need to say it?) And finally, I loved someone who thought I was great just the way I am. Well, maybe not GREAT, but he'll take me as I am. It's all good stuff, but it can all hurt. The dreams, the crying, the what ifs...it's all part of it. But, in the end, you're smarter about yourself. You're stronger. You're more able to recognize the needs you need met. I wouldn't trade my true loves for anything. (I would trade one of my relationships though...but everyone has one of those.)

Loving the friends...or falling for a moment. Done that too. That can be bad. I've lost a few fantastic friends because of my immaturity. It's hard to distinguish how the love should be managed sometimes. They are ALL lessons of the heart. And even now, I am learning. It's not easy. It's damn right difficult really. My heart is still learning.

So, to those who are mending a broken heart right now...don't fret too much. It kills and it hurts and you want to die at times, but you'll come out on the other side eventually. Until then--cry as much as you want and then try to limit it to a few minutes a day. And keep looking good. This is no time to let yourself go!! :) And take mental notes of what went wrong. It'll help for next time. But, if you can, try to realize that the pain you are feeling makes you one with the romantic poets. They all felt that pain in order to write some amazing things! The TRUE artists suffer the most! Lauren Hill has some GREAT break up music. As well as Sheryl Crow, Alanis Morrisette and Beyonce. :)

"Not As We"

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

--Alanis. Now this girl knows how to suffer!!! (Her "Flavors of Entanglement" is a break up album. She wrote it after her break up with Ryan Reynolds.)

Also, another tip...find DVDs of Felicity and THROW yourself into them! That always helps me.

A quick post for no one.

It's Monday morning. We got back from Cleveland last night. J stayed behind to help his parents. Today...a truck is unloading a ton of stuff into our house. Some jems, some still undecided, but all just more stuff. I don't want to fill the house with stuff. Now all I want to do is get rid of anything we don't want/need in order to make room. I like BIG OPEN SPACES. But, having family heirlooms is nice as well. We'll figure it out. It was a tiring weekend, but still enjoyable to be around J's family. They are selling their huge old house and simplifying life. It's a big deal. It's a smart move...but sad and emotionally hard I'm sure.

The baby cardinals are doing very well. It seems that one is stronger than the other two, but all thriving. I'm happy. I'm about to sweep out the garage and make it all pretty for the temp storage delivery. At least the weather is beautiful. Next on the agenda is to clean the loft for the 3 cousins coming this coming weekend. My sis and gang are coming for 10 days. We'll head to Lake Placid for the weekend as they have never been to the Adirondacks. Should be nice. Of course, I put it upon myself for everything to be perfect while they are here. I need to get over it.

Ok, need to get started on the garage. This is a just my little note to the universe. I've read other blogs. They are funny and interesting and wise. Mine? HA. A daily report of my mutterings...but a log at least for me to revisit.

Love to anyone who actually reads! :)

So, the eggs were Cardinal eggs instead of Robin eggs. They sure seemed blue to me. The chicks hatched yesterday morning. When I took the mail out, there was one, an hour later, all three had hatched. Then, the storm came. I was so worried about the small, naked three that I held an umbrella over the nest during the BIG downpour. They made it through the night and have a little bit of downy covering now. Whew! I'm going to be heart broken if all 3 don't make it. Jason said I was interfering with nature, but he was the one that rigged an umbrella to a tripod to hold it while I went to the doctor. (He's a softy)

The doc's visit was inconclusive. They did some blood work. We'll see. My feet ached all night and today. My hands are a little sore. 14 ibuprofen should do the trick--or thinks the doctor. Today, Meryl has to go to the vet. We're all falling apart! She's been wetting outside the litter box. That's always a sign that she's not feeling well. Ugh. She gets so nervous there. Her heart beats so quickly that every vet says she has a heart murmur.

The day is beautiful. It's not too hot. It's partly cloudy. The chicks are thriving. My flowers are getting sun after a day of rain. My daughter is pretty in her little blue dress. My mom and I are having a Mad Men marathon as I clean Jason's office. (He's gone today) My husband is as handsome as Don Draper, but not the asshole. Life is good.

Getting Rusty

I'm headed to the doctor today. For months now I've had aching in my ankles. I ignored it and figured it was my body getting over pregnancy. Then, my hands started to ache. They also swell and become painful during the night. During our vacation it became annoying. Last night I struggled with them and lost sleep. That's the final straw. I value sleep very much--it's my dear friend. My right hand seems to be more affected. I can't form a fist at times. I struggle to open things. When I get up to do something, my ankles feel as if they are FULL of nails. It's so odd! I either have arthritis (since I already have a new hip due to it, it would make sense) or Lupus. I don't have any rashes or anything, so maybe that's not it. The appointment is at 2pm today. The last time I went through this, I had surgery replacing a joint. But, I've put it off long enough. It's time to figure out what the hell is going on. Ugh. Let's hope it is something simple. I feel a bit like the Tin Man. Jason will soon be walking around with an oil can oiling my joints so I can move.

Update soon!

Matt Lauer. Still hot after all these years...

Finally, the robin's nest I promised last week. Still no chicks yet, but the mother is constantly tending to them. If I could hatch an egg and not carry the baby around for 9 months, I would consider more children. As of right now, I'm happy with the one, but hoping for one more. I didn't enjoy pregnancy. It could have been due to the 18 weeks of puking followed by 18 weeks of severe heartburn. Waking up each night to pop Tums and sleep sitting up sucked. Yes, I'm whining. I love my baby...and I know how lucky I am, but still--it wasn't joyful. NOW, we're joyful. And speaking of new joys. Z has a new friend. A 5 foot giraffe that we got for her in Lake Placid. She loves him/her. I decided to let her name it.

That's about all I have. No excitement or deep thoughts to post. I'm reorganizing my kitchen. Those details will put you to sleep. Uhh...I got 3 very cool Beatles pieces of art for my laundry room. (I'm decorating it with my Beatles things since they don't really work anywhere else--doing laundry is VERY COOL now.)

The coolest thing that happened today was that Jason hooked up a Slingbox to our computer in the kitchen and now I can watch The Today Show in the mornings! YAY!!! I love morning news shows--err, I love watching Matt Lauer give me the morning news. Now, I won't miss him as I feed Z and have morning play time.

Yep, no deep thoughts today.

I can see clearly, now...

I'm on a design kick. Here's what I think: when trying to find your place in this world, redecorate. It's focusing my attention on a project and making me feel as if I'm contributing. I realize that taking care of Z is the most important job, but I want to create a home as well. I found this awesome wallpaper for our bedroom. I drug J and Mom around with me as I looked at a couple wallpaper stores. We were going to go with paint, but I love the designs and artistic factor. I still remember the wallpaper in my grandfather's house. It can have lasting affects. Ok, I'm over thinking this, but again...it's a project.

Over the weekend I watched Shutter Island. We watched it twice actually. Mom and I watched in Friday night and all three of us again on Saturday night. If you see the movie, you'll realize the need to see it twice. I enjoyed it, but it then through Jason into the research of lobotomies. I watched a video on YouTube of one. Wow. It's a scary thing. An ice pick...really??!!! Mom and I watched One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest last night to finalize our Mental Health issues movie weekend. I'd seen it years ago, but as most things, I didn't understand it fully until now. I feel I need to rewatch many things. I was either too young or too full of medication to really tune in. I was medicated for about 10 years and it's amazing how much clearer the world is now that I'm now free of it. (I'm not saying medication is a bad thing...but the cocktail I was on was mind numbing--no one should be taking 8-10 pills a day for anxiety/depression.) My time in Chicago is basically a blur. It's sad...I could've REALLY enjoyed it. (Jason came at the end of my fog--I cleared up about 10 months into our dating.)

So yes, the mental health movie marathon may have hit a wee bit close to home. (WOW will you look at that alliteration?!!!) It's fascinating and horrific--the human mind. The mind altering drugs and therapies that can be applied to it is just unreal. Terrifying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0aNILW6ILk

Feel free to watch and comment. Sorry, I couldn't get the link to work, you'll have to cut and paste.

I have horrible control issues.

Well, the evening was fine. The salads went over well. I wasn't thrilled with the meatloaf. Z was too tired for a guest and cried a lot when Dan tried to make her smile. I found myself apologizing for her reactions. Ridiculous. She's a baby and her reactions are what they are. It's almost like I feel responsible for her actions. Even at 7 months, she has free will. We all do. We have free will to do anything we want. We can use it to make the world a better place or make our little daily worlds miserable. I need to remember that I am in control of how I feel about my life. I can focus on the negative or I can see what great things happen around me each day. I can't control anyone else. I can't program people to do what I want them to do. I wish I could sometimes. My life can seem like an engine of some sort. When all of the parts aren't functioning correctly, I get angry. I have a hard time with the "oil" part of it. Oiling joints isn't my strong suit. My mom is a MASTER. I watch her oil different areas of her life to help them run more smoothly. She's selfless at times. I think I rebel against it. I'd like to control her life as well. That's a struggle I have. The feeling that I know what's best for people. I don't. I see how I would do things, but that isn't exactly what would make them happy. I need to work on so many things. I seem as if I'm this angry girl lately. Angry that everyone isn't happy. Angry that I can't do anything about it. I can't control their choices, I can't control how much they work, how much they don't work, how much they love or see how good their lives are. I think every person needs to have a Christmas Carol night. Everyone. Everyone needs to be visited by the 3 ghosts. Everyone needs to see how they affect others...and how it will affect their future. I'm not saying everyone is nasty as Scrooge. Maybe I should go more with the Frank Capra example. It IS A Wonderful Life, isn't it???

I realize this blog is FULL of hidden meanings and that I'm not addressing anything in particular--I apologize. I'm protecting the innocent.

Think about the three ghosts today...or think about Clarence-either way. I think it can be a good way of seeing how your life is playing out thus far. But mostly, if you don't understand either reference...find the movies and watch them.

Don't read!! There is a monster at the end of this blog!!!

I've been cooking all day. Tonight I'm repaying my friend Dan for cat sitting while we were gone. The menu: A new meatloaf I found that has shredded carrots and potatoes in it, potato salad, cherry coke jello salad, green salad, dutch apple pie and homemade ice cream. Lots of salad I realize. It should be good. It takes a long time to do all of that--it's surprising. Z has been up all day. She just now past out in our bed. I had to hum in her ear and have her believe nothing else was going to happen today. She just doesn't want to miss anything.

The days go too quickly. In my head, I am able to accomplish a lot. Realistically, it just doesn't happen. I wanted to paint the master bedroom and the back hallway while my mom can help me. We're just not finding the time. Time reminds me of a childhood book I used to read. It's a book where Grover (from Sesame Street) keeps trying to get you to NOT TURN THE PAGE!! He says there is a monster at the end of the book. He does everything he can, but we keep on turning the pages. We just can't help ourselves. That's how I feel--no matter how much I want to cram into a day, the day keeps ticking along and finally ends with me too exhausted to do most of it. I feel good about today. I made it to the grocery store and made my dinner and even made my first batch of homemade ice cream. But again, I'm making a list of my accomplishments as if they matter. I put a postcard of Walden Pond next to me on the desk. On the other side is Squam Lake (where On Golden Pond was filmed). They are meant to inspire me. Inspire me to do what? I'm not sure yet. The thing is, I've always wanted to have this "deep" life where I sit and think about things and write out my ideas and be all thought provoking and wow people with my intellect. Ha. it's just not like that. Life is full of daily tasks that rule you. I don't want to feel that I have to sweep, but I do. I don't want to feel that the laundry must be done, but it does. The best I can do is not watch crap t.v. I can try to fit in a few sentences of a book before I go to sleep. If I can finish 1 book this summer, I'll feel accomplished. I'm still working on A Reliable Wife. I got side tracked with Thoreau's diaries a bit.

One really cool thing I saw today. Right outside our front door is a bush where a mother robin has built her nest. 3 little blue speckled eggs are inside. I took great pics of it. I'll post them tomorrow. I'm hopeful for those 3 eggs. We had landscapers come and they trimmed right up to the nest, but didn't destroy it.

Let's hope the evening has some good conversation to go with the salads.

Into the deep

Today I didn't wear make up and let my hair dry curly. The house is back to normal, but I'm still reeling from my trip. I keep thinking about my walk about Walden pond. It was bigger than I thought it would be. It was also more public. People swimming everywhere. I was imagining it a quiet and serene place to be. The woods were, to a point. Everyone walking around lost due to the lack of signs indicating where Thoreau's house was located. The lower paths were flooded and the detour signs were very lacking. At one point, I got lost from J and mom because I decided to take a lower path by the water. In every break in the trees, people set up their little camps to swim. There wasn't a beach to sit on on these side sites, but just rocks that people perched on. It was hot. Steamy, in fact. The entire trip was uncharacteristic of East coast weather. We were worn out from our days gallivanting about. When I finally found my party and we finally found his house site (almost giving up at one point), I focused more on the fact that his cabin was so tiny. It was just enough for a bed, a chair and table and a fireplace. He spent 26 months there I believe. I took a picture of his view. I am starting to read his journal. He wrote it a few years before Walden. Something about this experience is gnawing at me. I'm not sure yet. I'm so curious as to what his day to day was like. I'm wanting to leave my house and go somewhere and read it for days. It makes me want to take a break from people myself. I live with a mini-me attached to me at all times. She is adorable...but the borders of her body and mine are starting to blur. My thoughts are preoccupied with the order of my house and the times of feedings and changings. This is just like every other mom out there, I know this. But, to be in a place where a man just sat and wrote and thought for days on end intrigued me. I realized how many thoughts I don't think. How many meanings I'm not finding. I'm on hold in a way. My intellect is stagnant. We traveled through many towns were artists created their works. We walked amongst their headstones. Their impact on literature...I feel as if I'm now being haunted. I know this seems silly, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing something. There's a thought out there I'm supposed to have and I'm not thinking it. My heart isn't romantic at the moment. I'm not inspired to write poetry dripping with lust and passion. I'm in awe of a little girl. It's just a different part of my heart. Since I was 16, I've felt out of one side and now...the complete sweet and innocent side of my heart has the dust blown off of it and it's odd. I see my heart in chambers. My dream is to make use of all of it at the same time. Did Thoreau do this? I'm curious to find out.

I'm also haunted a bit by the House of Seven Gables. Walking around this bizarre home was so odd to me. Reading about Nathaniel Hawthorne and his dark and recluse life--how did he create? How was he able to really understand a soul? He spent years alone. Why? What possessed to be this way? I keep thinking about how I walked on the same boarded floor as he did. Seeing the bed he slept in as a child. Seeing the chairs he sat in as an adult. It's fascinating to me.

It's late and I need to head to bed. My dreams have been filled with old lovers lately. So odd. I just keep dreaming about times past. Well, of people past. I think I dream about JM because he was the introduction to that side of my heart--the passion side. To have someone unlock that for the first time...young love. Those types of experiences are what inspired the poets back then. I think it's my subconscious telling me I need to write. I need to tap into more than just an account of my daily duties. Maybe I need to dig a bit deeper. I think it's odd that a dream with stick with me for days. I wake up feeling just as I had years before. It's kind of a cool experience. However, it can be painful at times.

Home

We are home from our New England meanderings. I'll share some pics soon. It was a great trip, but man--we are all exhausted! It was too hot for the East and I'm afraid it wore us down some days. The sights were inspiring. I have much to expand on and share. Today, I'm spending the day putting everything away. Much laundry has to be done (though we did do it on the road) and places need to be found for mementos. Hopefully I'll have some time this evening to reflect a little. Until then...

I want to RELAX

We leave on our New England journey tomorrow. I want to feel as if it's the last day of school, but I don't. I miss having those types of feelings. I think it's just too hard to relax at this stage in the game. Later, when she can entertain herself with friends or when I don't have to aid her in every endeavor, it will be easier. I love that she is attached to me. I love that she is happy and laughing and relaxed around me. I will miss this stage. At the same time, I'm ready to talk to her. I have such good conversations with my own mother...I can't wait for the same. I never went through the stage of hating my parents. That's probably because my mom was more of my pal and I was too concerned if my dad liked me at all.

We are headed to Bennington, VT first. This is an obvious choice. We'll see how many souvenirs I come back with from there. Then, on to Lake Placid, NY, Burlington, VT, Somewhere, NH, Boston, MA, Mystic, CT and then home. I plan on being completely exhausted and wanting space from everyone by the time I get home.

Vacations as a kid are things you just don't understand at the time. They are planned mostly for you. Your parents shell out big bucks in order to show you things and keep you entertained. You don't have to worry about whether they can afford it or if something was just a little too expensive or not. You don't have to worry about what shorts you can still fit into and look good. You aren't worried about laundry or if you are eating too much. It's just glorious fun. Of course, Z won't remember this one--and it wasn't planned with her in mind. It's more of a scouting trip for future summers. "Where can we get a rental house and just lie around all day and eat great meals in the evening??" That's at least what my goal is. Jason's goal is to see great places of history. After Waldon Pond and seeing the place where On Golden Pond was filmed, I'm just along for the ride. He and Mom and salivate over all of the Civil War crap and Plymouth Rock. I don't mean to sound as if I don't appreciate these things...I just want to have someone take my child for the day so I can sit on a Adirondack chair on the beach somewhere, read magazines, drink something fruity and alcoholic and come home with a slight sting of sun to zonk out in a big fluffy bed. I've seen too many summer get away movies. HA!! At this point, if a young 15 year old boy saw me from a far and thought I was hot--I'd be satisfied. (ok, that's for the Summer of '42 crowd...not that I'm a pedophile.)