Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

My MIL is here. (Mother in Law) She's very sweet, but loud and is talking constantly. Z is going to be so spoiled that she'll be a disaster when she leaves. I'm cooking in order to remain sane. Pancakes this morning and a delish chicken salad for lunch. I can hear her up in the loft...so loud.

I didn't realize how quiet our life is...6 more days.

The SAGS are Sunday night. What a fun award show. Love it.

We got DISH for a year free and let our Time Warner cable go. We are saving money, yes. However, DISH sucks. It is always out and the movie channels blow. I'm addicted to good cable. Wow...it's a horrible fact about me.

At 70

Today is my dad's 70th birthday. Thought I'd give you a peek at our relationship by sharing our emails today. He was a judge in Kansas for 25+ years. He just retired in January. "LB" is his wife. He spends 6 months a year in Kino, Mexico. He spends his time fishing mostly...and reading. We got him a Kindle for his birthday this year. This post is mostly for me, but feel free to see what you get out of it.

His subject was "Thoughts on turning 70"

Dear Kids, Kids-in-law, and grandkids,

First, thank you all again for the great birthday gift. The Kindle is really great. Not only have I now read 7 books since receiving the Kindle, I have about 7 on the list to be read and 4 of those were free. In addition, I now have a Spanish Language textbook on the Kindle and each day I take a Spanish lesson. I am also seriously considering adding the periodic chart which I can get for free. I don't need it very often but when I do it is never around.

But, on turning 70: I woke up this morning and that makes me 70! I am only one day older than yesterday but one year older than my last birthday. LB had a birthday party last night at happy hour for me and 17 people were there and we all had a great time. Wendy (Rod's wife from South Dakota) cooked pheasant and there was quite a bit there and we all enjoyed eating pheasant in addition to 7 layer bean dip, guacamole, cheese and crackers, pico de gallo, and chips and salsa. I didn't weigh this morning.

This morning only one boat went out--Fish Finder. A little while ago he called in and said he had blown his engine so a rescue is under way as I write. We know Fish Finder is over 80 but we don't know his actual age. I am the Ramp Manager so in about 45 minutes I will be at the boat ramp with my crew of hearty old guys to get the boat on the trailer by hand. Helping others is the one proven remedy for growing old. Being Ramp Manager is mucho better than being on the crew. The water temp is 59 degrees and the manager stays high and dry giving orders to the crew. Really, the main job of the manager is to watch and warn anyone who might be getting in a position to be hurt by a bouncing boat. The water is still calm this morning so that shouldn't be difficult.

I now must admit to being old--middle-aged is out of the picture as I can't imagine reaching the age of 140 years.

(I cut it short...)

Here was my response:

Happy Birthday first of all. Here, it is cold. Our roof is leaking and Jason fell off of the ladder this morning. Also, our satellite is out. Not off to a good start, but that's probably because you're sucking all of the nice weather and good luck towards your part of the world. (Jason is fine, just bruised...he was clearing off the roof.) Z is getting a new tooth. That's 11 teeth now. Goodness! She's into being loud this week. Loves to squeal VERY LOUDLY and chirp. She's playing quietly currently and it's blissful. NYC got dumped on last night. 19 inches in Central Park. The East is getting hammered lately! We didn't get that snow...just a constant inch or two...daily.

Your birthday started out well I think. You woke up retired, in a warm place, in a happy marriage, well fed, well read and in good health. How many can say that?!

Enjoy the warmth. We miss you here. I think of you daily. "What's the best way to do this??" It's amazing how our parents' voices are constantly heard. With so much guidance as kids, it just continues as adults as the mental record players constantly spin.

You know, I truly believe I wouldn't be in this happy place if you hadn't supported me when I had the crazy idea to move to Chicago. Without your help, I never would have been able to make the move. (It was crazy...) However, I met amazing people, including my husband, and started my adventures. That move created my love of new beginnings and discovering new places. I believe we'll be in Rochester for a long time though. We love it here. What a leap of faith you had to help me on that journey! I always think about that. You even helped us move to Rochester! I love that.

Now Z is running around in circles holding her baby and squealing with delight. She loves her baby. She washes her in the bath (not a water proof baby...) and takes her to bed. She even feeds her during dinner time--smashing peas and cheerios into her plastic face.

I'm wearing my Jayhawk fleece vest. She LOVES the Jayhawk on it and constantly has to be picked up to point at it. Cute.

Well, hope you enjoy the day. I love you and miss you. Can't wait to see you again.

Love,
Valerie

I love this poem. My good friend Ronda wrote it.


I Am My Home
Though guests are welcome
...Inside for a short visit or two,
And when no visitors come
I sometimes feel blue,
I am my home
I live quite alone
With all of my favorite things
With words as my food
And thoughts as my bed
I've become comfortable
Alone in my head.
I am my home.
I keep house with my heart.

Go Away and leave me alone.

Today I feel so helpless and unsettled. I hate this feeling. I've recently stopped taking my anti-depressant. I wonder if that could be it? I found out two of my dear friends lost their father last night. I can't be with them. They are hurting and not reaching out much. I wish I were closer to them. Hopefully, I'll see them in March.

I've been thinking a lot about Heaven lately. I'm not sure Jason believes it exists, but I always have. Even when I doubted many things...I've never doubted that I would see my loved ones again. I think about the people who've passed away a lot. I think of my grandparents almost every day. I think about my friend CJ and what she'd think of this or that. I think about those who have lost loved ones. My mom still suffers over her brother. I dreamed about him the other night. He was watching over her. I believe that. My Heaven is a big dinner table full of the people I've lost. We just spend our time talking...about things I never got to ask. I regret a lot of conversations not had. My mom says she feels the same way.

Today is one of those days where my heart just feels heavy. I'm sad. I'm lonely (Jason is out all day) and I just want to curl up and sleep. Could this be a little depression sinking back in? Maybe I'm just feeling for my friends. Maybe I'm just hormonal.

Whatever this darkness is, I want it to go away.

Oscar Nom day!

Most film students would say that I'm a pathetic excuse for a film major because of my love of the Oscars. The KU Film Dept. is extremely stuck up about film...yes, they are a good school, but wow...it was always a room of egos. I would relive any of those classes in a heartbeat. A great time. True, my English degree got me more jobs than my Film degree, but I love having both. Anyway, this morning I watched the Oscar nominations. I haven't seen a lot of the movies, but I do believe that The King's Speech is excellent and that Colin should win. I have many movies to see before Feb. 27th. My friend Dustin is coming in for the big event. We try to get as many seen and whatever is left we try to squeeze in together in the days we spend together.

For my birthday, Jason and I are going to see Blue Valentine. Michelle Williams was just nominated for her role in it! I know it will be a downer, but I still want to see it. J's mom is coming in for a week. So, I'm taking full advantage and we are going to go on a couple of dates. We went to see movies almost every weekend before Z. That's how we relax. One day, we'll be able to go again...

I'm making myself post today. I haven't in a couple of days. I have more on my mind...but I think I need to digest a bit before I put it on here.

Until then,

Here' are the nominees:

Best motion picture of the year

Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Christian Bale (The Fighter)
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Achievement in directing

Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David O Russell (The Fighter)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Adapted screenplay

127 Hours - Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy (127 Hours)
The Social Network - Aaron Sorkin
Toy Story 3 - Michael Arndt (screenplay); John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich (story)
True Grit - Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)
Winter's Bone - Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Original screenplay

Another Year - Mike Leigh
The Fighter - Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy and Eric Johnson (screenplay); Keith Dorrington, Paul Tamasy and Eric Johnson (story)
Inception - Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right - Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg
The King's Speech - David Seidler

Best animated feature film of the year

How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3

Best foreign language film of the year

Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) (Algeria)

Crazy Lazy

It's been days since I've been out and about. Once we got back from our weekend in Cleveland, I decided to be a shut in. It's been too cold and I've been too overwhelmed by the house. (Meaning, I needed to unload all the luggage and do the laundry and vacuum and clean and psycho OCD things in order to be able to relax.) This is a sad state. I've needed to go to the gym. Today, I'm announcing, I'm going to go! I'm also going to go to Target to get another baby gate. Our house is becoming a fortress of sorts. The girl roams and must be contained.

Matt (Lauer) just said snow is again on its way. Damn. Oh, how I do love the cold beauty of the ice and snow. The mornings arrive fresh and crisp. However, the Spring will be welcomed. Now that Z can walk/run, I need to take this girl to the park to tire herself out. Her small hands don't work in gloves and she won't keep them on--playing in the snow would almost be cruel. I've been watching a Discovery Channel's Everest. It's 6 hours of watching the horrors of climbing Everest. I had no idea of the length of time it takes (about 45 days). Out of about 8 men, only 3 made it to the summit. 2 came out just fine, but the other climbers had several amputations due to frost bite. Is it worth it?? Jason said that before having a family, it was something we would have considered. I understand the desire, I do, but I don't have it within me. If it was a rain forest, maybe. But then you'd be dealing with very large bugs. (shiver)

I'm up in the loft-- as I am every morning. It's really a pretty sight. I look out the windows over my woodsy neighborhood and see the pines, still and perfect. The sky is light blue and pink. The snow has footprints of the family of deer that roam. Yesterday, I had one of those moments where I thought to myself, "I'm happy." Do you ever have those? I've had a few in my life--probably more than a few. When I lived in Cincinnati, I was working at Joseph-Beth Booksellers and I stood in the store and had a "happy" moment occurred and just drank it in. "I''m living with one of my best friends, I'm working in a bookstore like I've always wanted to do, I'm meeting cool people and I'm doing it alone." (Course, my best friend was a newlywed and I was still struggling financially and emotionally with many things--she may not have had such "happy" moments during this time--but she hid it well.) The fact was that that time in Cincinnati was a push off point for me. I really love that city. If you ever get to go, go. It's surprisingly beautiful and unique.) I get off on travels not linked to my family. I see it as growth. "All the people I'm surrounded by right now, I met myself--I traveled to meet them--they are proof of my adventuresome spirit." As I look out over the frozen pines, I feel the same way. But this time, I ventured out with Jason. I'm thrilled that I married someone who also has an adventuresome spirit.

But, I still need to venture out of the house today. Travels of the past won't make up for the onset of crazy lazy ways.

Too cute--Z just found her baby and just SQUEALED with delight. Love it.

Go out and do something adventuresome today--even it means cooking something you've never cooked. Or make plans for a day trip! New perspective is awesome.

Thaw

I can hear the drip, drip, dripping of our melting icicles. Spring is not close enough. I can appreciate the Winter and its beauty, but the newness of Spring and the jolt of energy it seems to carry with it is much anticipated.

Yes, I can live in the moment--but the idea of "new" is always enticing to me.

Snowbound Therapy

It's snowing. The air is cold, but I opened the windows in the loft anyway. It's so clean smelling. I love it. I'm suppose to drive to Cleveland today, but I'm not so sure. The snow will fall all day and the route look kind of rough. Ugh. It's better to be safe. Plus, I hate being cold. That would be my luck...stuck and cold. I've often thought about the fact that since I don't breast feed anymore, Z would eventually run out of food. I watched an episode of I Shouldn't Be Alive and a woman kept her child alive for 9 days breastfeeding. --As I look at it outside...I think the best decision would be to hold off on my trip until tomorrow. No need to invite trouble. The weatherman says 6 inches...but we are at that now and we have a lot of snow to go. It's kind of fun to be sitting in the warmth watching it fall. However, my trees are beginning to look weighted down. I may have to go shake them.

On another topic, my mom called me the other day to share with me that she'd found a diary her mom kept in 1975. I've always heard about my mother's disappointment and hurt feelings over the fact that her mother didn't come see me for 8 weeks after I was born. She's carried this with her for 35 years. In the diary she found, her mother writes about how she was dealing with her own mother (a VERY difficult and cruel woman) in the hospital during that time and shared her worry about when she would come see me. This was a revelation for my mom who says that she feels so much better about the whole situation. I'm happy. However, I wonder why she didn't just ask her mother why she wasn't coming. This is a lesson. I, too, have old wounds that haven't healed from my parents. I've chosen to try to let them go instead of getting them resolved. I think it's hard to ask the questions when you are afraid of the answers. Human relationships are so complicated. As a mom, I'm going to learn from it. I'm going to do my best to tell Z how I'm feeling so she doesn't have to guess. There are going to be so many hurt feelings in the future, I'm sure. But, if there's anyway I can keep her from guessing how I'm feeling, I'm going to try.

Becoming New

On the days where I feel a little far from my center--meaning, the day is gloomy and I don't feel like myself, I try to close my eyes and remember certain days in my life when I felt --for lack of a better phrase--more alive. I think we all do this. I do it when I feel particularly boring or when my day drags along. I transport myself to a time when life was crisp, as if it was literally created just left of my gaze and I saw and felt it all at its brightest. Yes, that's dramatic. It's how I felt. When I want to feel more free--I think of my trip with my friend Lisa to San Francisco. I remember seeing the Golden Gate bridge...and it took my breath away. We were alone, together. Both of us on a journey and it just felt like we were the only people I cared about existing. Lisa was actually there during another moment in time that I like to return to. I met her in London when she was there during a surreal time in both of our lives. I think about that week a lot. I went to Liverpool and walked around the same places Paul and John had and it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever felt. I was so depressed when the day was done, I was almost inconsolable. Part of me knew that THAT was the happiest I'd ever be...and it was over.
But then Zoë was born. I think of that day all of the time. I just did...which spurred this post. I think of how strong I felt. I was so much stronger than I ever though I could be. It was magical. Jason and I say that all of the time. She was born and we were forever changed. It wows me.

I do miss simpler times. I miss the feeling of only new things on the horizon instead of a lot of memories to wrestle with. I miss the promise of what things COULD be. At times, now, even at 35, I feel as if I know what my life will be. That's so not right. I don't know. And, I think that that feeling is what prompts women to become more interesting later in life. Women have that ability to just become more wise and cool as time moves on. (At least the women that I think about in order to know it's possible.)

Life can be new any time we want it. We just have to see it that way. When you're in your comfy clothes and your body isn't as firm as it once was and your child doesn't seem to hear you OR see you and you realize that you felt good about yourself that day because your house got clean--you forget that. You forget that you can still be interesting and new.

There's no time like the present.

We decided on this lazy Saturday to check out the local libraries. Penfield has a large library, but no story time for Z. Pittsford's library was very cool and it has story time every Monday! YAY! Somewhere to go! I'm finding that until the girl is 2, the options are limited to what she can do around here. Well, it leaves a lot to look forward to.

It's been fun to hear from friends as they get their NY cards. It's a great way to reach out and let people know you are thinking about them. It's hard to get the damn things together! J and I battled for over an hour...but the result was great. I should be happy that he cares that much!

I've just learned the news about the shootings in Tucson. I've been away from the news all day. Unreal. You never know...

I say take the time and reach out to those you've been thinking about that you're not in touch with! Do it now...because you never know. If you're thinking of them, it's for a reason. It's the universe urging you to make contact. Sometimes, the idea of a long conversation is daunting. It doesn't have to be. Email, write, send them a card. Hell, text. Any way to get it done.

And, if you've been wondering about it, consider this post a sign.

On a cold Thursday where I write about nothing.

Well, The People's Choice awards was probably the worst show I've seen in a while. Just awful. The Globes are coming up soon. They are BS as well, but more fun to watch. The fact that Johnny and Angelina were nominated for something just proves it's a joke. I love Johnny...but he didn't do anything award worthy in The Tourist. Angelina just looked hungry and had few lines. It was laughable. Dustin is coming for the Oscars. He just set the date this week. I'm thrilled. We won't have a guest before then...it will be time. The walls start to close in on me in the winter. Guests break it up.

I got out my cards for the most part. I asked for a few addresses on Facebook. It's my attempt to reach out to a couple friends who don't reach out to me. I probably need to let the friendships go, but I have such a hard time doing that. If someone was important to me at any time, I always try to cling onto them forever. I need to realize that some friendships have seasons. We were friends in a time when it was easy to do so and when we needed something from the other. I hate that though. I don't have many seasonal friends. I have a lot of friends in which we talk more about their lives than mine, but I think that happens a lot. Some people never even think to ask you about your day...they go on so much about their own. But, that's neither here nor there...I still try to keep in touch with them.

Z went down for a nap about an hour ago and I'm desperately trying to fill my time with productive things instead of just slumbering right alongside with her.

But, I think I'll do it anyhow.

Neat

Today, I cleaned and organized...after watching OWN's Enough Already...about clutter. It actually created anxiety. I really need to stop watching it.

Tonight..the People's Choice. Yes, a bullshit award show, but an award show nonetheless! But...not a REAL big one on the radar since E! didn't have a red carpet. THIS is how I rate them...and what thoughts are on my mind as I write this. Sad.

I want to be shiny, but I'm afraid of shiny things

I'm having a hard time relating to other moms. I feel that I'm a person who is also a mom, but I view other mothers as another breed of being for some reason. There's a club that I'm not invited to. They are all put together and I'm not. They are all teachers and not film students. This is my strange brain dealing with it. I want to be sunshiny. However, when confronted with other sunshiny people, I become dark and introverted. I can't meet friends being a mom. I'll meet friends in the book group...and MAYBE one of them will be a mom.

Why am I so fucked up about this? Who cares! Did Lisa Bonet go to mommy group outings? (I think of her...she seems cool to me.) Not that it isn't cool. I guess I feel that it's going to be mommies talking about being mommies. I want to talk as people and if our kids come up, great. Starting out a conversation dealing with babies because THAT is why we are there together seems forced and fake.

I'm just a freak.