it doesn't matter

Today is a day of thought. It's probably because I'm tired. I always dive way too deep into things when I'm tired. The negativity of the world affects me more. I feel a weight I want to shed. I want to disconnect because I'm confused and feel poisoned. (could be a little depressed today, eh?) I hate election time. It brings out the worst in people. Facebook during election time--yuck. I don't want to know half the stuff I learn about people sometimes. I'm sad that people aren't more open and loving. I'm saddened that some things come off as such a threat. I'm a true hypocrite--judging those who judge.

I wish I could focus on being a better me and not worrying about others being better themselves. I can't control that. I can control my frustration level, my outspokeness (when no one really cares what I think anyway), my nosiness (because most things really aren't any of my damn business) and the way I go about my day. I could smile more. I could be sweet more. I could be softer. I feel as if I wear a hard shell to get through life. Is it really worth it? Let people be who they are. Let life be as it is. Work on becoming the kind of woman you want your children to see--and to learn from. So much doesn't matter in the spectrum of life. I am a control freak. It is wearing me out today. I'm sure I'll be back at it tomorrow. But today, I'm giving it up.

Happiness and reading.

It's Monday. The weekend was nice. We went to the beach. I loved it. I'd never been to that particular one (Durand-Eastman). It was tree lined and you could imagine yourself finding it and it being all yours...aside from the other people and the life guards. The others around here are very city. Not my thing. I sat in my chair and watched J and Z play in sand and waves. I felt happy. That was the second time I took a mental note of happiness this weekend. The first was the day before. The temp was perfect. The sun was out. I was out on my deck reclining with Gone Girl--the book I'm reading. The trees waved slightly and I was relaxed. We had date night out that night--a long dinner outside. All the food was so good. We laughed. We talked. We caught up. It was great. (We also had a babysitter.) The weekend was good for the soul.


Today is more cleaning. I feel that is all I do sometimes. But, I think that is what most people do when they little ones. My energy is low. I've already taken a nap this morning for an hour while Z amused herself with Nick Jr. I am short of breath. I have 70 days to go. I'm doing my best with the iron...but I feel like I'm failing still. Jason is frustrated as well. I huff and puff and he freaks out thinking I'm WAY over tired than I should be. Maybe. It will all be ok.

Z is having a snack. Cheese and crackers. She started her morning by eating her weight in chocolate cookies. Her bedroom is near the kitchen...and she woke up and helped herself. Jason cleaned up the mess--thank goodness. It was not the way to start the day. She was proud of herself though. But, then, who wouldn't want that for breakfast?

My life currently is ruled by when I can get back to my book. It holds my attention which is hard to do. I'm confused and wondering what is up. It's a mystery. Things are starting to seem odd...we'll see how it turns out.

Pick it up for yourself and dive in...

So cool....

I loved this.

http://www.thewildernessdowntown.com/

Hope it works for you!!

Hope Springs

Today, Z had Doodle Bugs. I had a doctor's appt that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. My mild case of anemia turned into an extreme case so I'm now having to change my diet. I also got put on a prescription ant-acid. The baby is fine though...so that's really what's important. When I got home, all I wanted was to take a nap--but found myself in a movie theatre at noon watching Hope Springs. Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones star in this little film about a couple who go to therapy after 31 years of marriage--and what comes out of it. She is unhappy. He is unaware. He is totally dependent on her--and yet she is invisible to him. They haven't slept in the same bed for many years and haven't touched or had sex for probably 4-5 years. They did a great job of acting very uncomfortable through the whole process. It was believable. I enjoyed it. I didn't feel it was geared toward an older audience--but really, any married couple. We can lose sight of things. We can lose ourselves and each other. It reconfirmed the importance of touching. Just a touch can send all the right signals--I love you, I miss you, I want you, I'm here for you. I forget to do this sometimes. I'm all wrapped up in errands and chores. I should be more touchy feely. I can' focus on what Jason does and doesn't do, only on what I do and don't do. (I can be a blamer at times...)

With that, I hear J and Z on the couch. Think I'll go in and cuddle with them.

Woody, Jane and me.

I'm taking a break from the sun. Z is watching some Nick Jr. We went to a new park this morning. I loved it. I love finding new places to go play. I get bored with the same ones. Problem was that it was a little too warm, so she didn't want to play very long. We took a scenic way home and got some ice cream and now she is chillin' indoors. I thought I'd get some sun, so I'm relaxing on the deck. I finished Woody Allen: A Documentary this morning. I was more about part 2--since those are the movies I'm more familiar with--but part 1 was more highly regarded. To my surprise they did cover his adopted daughter/wife scandal. It wasn't a major component, but it wasn't ignored. Yes, it's a bit creepy--but again, I focused on his work. His movies always make me thing I can write movies. I love his dialogue. I love the way he contemplates human relationships. I love how natural the thoughts flow--into non-natural situations. His perceptions are interesting to me. He digs into religion and love and how fucked up people are. I have visions of me writing something worthwhile at my kitchen table. I'm not sure when this will happen. I don't think it will be published...but I just want to finish something in my life. I want to have something left after I'm gone for my girls to read.

I haven't picked up a book in a while. I did listen to a good chunk of Jane Fonda's Prime Time in the car two weekends ago. I really loved it. I recommend it. I need to finish it so I can move on. My vacation from the gym has put a big dent into my "reading." Maybe I should go back...big belly and all.   It would be a nice little break, I could exercise, Z could play and I could feel like I'm feeding my brain again. I've been struggling greatly with low iron this pregnancy. The docs have yelled at me and I've upped my intake three times. I can barely get up the stairs some days without having to stop and rest. It's amazing what anemia can do to a person! I figured, if I can't even get up my stairs, how am I going to work out?

37 and pregnant isn't my cup of tea. I wasn't mature in my 20s, so this is the lot I have to deal with. I'm at 29 weeks--only 11 to go! I'm ready for the baby. (I even have a name--but am still working on Jason to approve.) I'm ready for the new challenge of motherhood. I'm ready to get some energy back--and my body back! I'm excited to see Z as a sister. She needs to understand that it's no longer the Zo' show. (We're getting a little cheeky)

Okay, maybe a few more moments in the sun...

everything you want to know about nothing...

Today is beautiful. I just sat outside getting some sun for about 45 minutes. Couldn't take much more--hot. It was enough to give me some Vit D and help my legs not look so preggo. I ran errands this morning after dropping Z at Doodle Bugs. She slept in her new "big girl" bed last night for the first time. After being up and down in the bunks, she finally settled in the bottom. Jason slept with her. I was already asleep in our bed. I have a couple more errands to do this afternoon. I just want to sit and watch part 2 of the Woody Allen documentary I started yesterday. I learned so much about his early years. He's worked with writing since he was a teenager. Wow. He's been paid for his work since 19. Impressive. I know he has his flaws, but I've always focused on his work and have been collecting his movies--starting with Annie Hall. I'm not much of a fan of his earlier work. It was inspiring...made me want to start this little writing class and start working on my craft again. I'm a late bloomer...but I have faith that I will eventually bloom. I feel it inside--but I haven't been able to fully nurture it for one reason or another. I'm still excited by the woman I can still become. I realize that now I'm more focused on raising my little women. That's ok. I just want to be someone they look up to and learn from. I want to be inspiring and encouraging.

The house is so quiet. I was thankful...and now I'm a bit lonely. I haven't quite adjusted to it yet. Mom will be back in October though, so that's not too long. I should relish the silence while I still have it. My belly is getting large. I feel so big. I've started having my breathing problems at night again. I wake up gasping for air. Seems like it's related to sleep apnea...but I'm not sure. It is scary and I feel like I'm choking and may not recover, but I always do. I panic. I always panic.

Okay, off to take mom's suitcase to UPS. They ran out of room for it. At least I get to go to Park Avenue--it's a cool part of the city. Then, maybe back for a short nap. (I've already taken one today.)

I'm back.

My family just left back to Kansas (via South Dakota and Colorado). The house is quiet. It is a mess. I am looking forward to getting it back to working condition. I'm looking forward to some quiet evenings, though it was nice to have the distractions. 6 extra people in your house is a lot. My need for order and space seems to win out eventually. I'm exhausted. My growing belly slows me down quite a bit. I just can't get it all done as I'd like. I have to sit and take breaks. That is annoying. Z finally has her room back and we can get that all decorated for her. She has her own bed now and won't be sleeping in ours. (Maybe sometimes) My table will go from having 9 chairs down to 3. My fridge won't be overflowing. I am ready to purge again--clothes, toys, anything that I can get rid of. The stuff is making me claustrophobic. I know Jason feels the same way. He and Z are napping on her bunk bed--top bunk. Cute.

Listening to how things are in my hometown in Kansas makes me feel fortunate that Z will grow up here. It just isn't the same. She has more advantages here that they just don't have. Bad attitudes and a decreasing population aren't making for a great place for kids to grow up. I was blessed with good people around me in high school and for a class that was mostly filled with bright people who were ambitious and adventurous. We were excited about things. That doesn't seem to be the case. The teachers seemed to be there for us. The coaches were about personal bests...not crazed winning freaks. We were nurtured for the most part, not yelled at and left feeling small.

I had times where I feel my little comments made my nephew and nieces feel a bit picked on. Making them do things for themselves instead of being waited on. Making them clean up after themselves, make sandwiches for themselves and putting their dishes in the dishwasher themselves!!! (I spent a lot of time putting dishes in the dishwasher.) I realize this is small, but it sure got on my nerves. How hard is it??? : )

Z can relax a bit now. Being around kids 24/7 was a lot for her. She's not used to it yet. Her sister's arrival will be good for her.

I ordered an dvd class about writing creative non fiction. It's through The Great Courses. I saw the ad in the NYTimes. I am ready to sit and feed my brain again for a bit. I'm feeling a little empty. There are 24 lectures of 30 mins each. I'll keep you posted on how it is. Maybe this blog will get better. :)

A Dark Knight

We went to see it last night. I was jumpy and nervous. Every time anyone stood up, I was on guard. Every time guns went off, I scanned the audience. It was hard to enjoy the movie because I was so distracted by the shootings in Colorado. Jason said he didn't think of them at all--but Kendra and Mom were also aware as they also checked out each person that got up and walked out for whatever reason. The move was very dark. It's violent. It's depressing and very Mad Max-ish to me. Bleak. I enjoyed the last movie so much more. Maybe it was because I couldn't relax. That's possible. I'll have to take a second look.

I recommend going to see it in IMAX--and maybe during the day if you're skiddish. Maybe that would help me, too. Seeing young kids in there was disturbing to me. It is NOT for kids. It's way too dark and disturbing for that.

Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's a great story. I didn't get bored at all. Bane was slightly uninteresting and evil. But it was exciting and surprising. Anne Hathaway was great. Bale was Bale. The movie itself was the main character--if that makes any sense. I think I need another go at it.

therapy.

warning. this is a therapy blog session.

i haven't found (or even looked) for a new therapist in new york. i was so fond of my chicago one--it seems as if i'd be cheating. plus...it's hard to start over again.

having my family here is nice. watching kendra struggle with teen woes isn't. i see mysel so much in her that it's horribly frustrating. (me at that age, rather) there is so much to learn about dealing with people and dealing with ourselves. i struggle every day. i get overwhelmed with expectations of myself--of my life...what it is suppose to look like and feel like. it's hard to be at peace with it all. it's hard to feel as if you're being the best you can be. i fail most of the time. i'm quick to judge. i'm nosey. i'm easily frustrated. i'm easily fatigued. i'm always feeling as if i'm failing as a mom, friend, wife, daughter, aunt, sister. (that's a lot to fail at.) my brain won't turn off. jason came to bed and unloaded his brain into mine at 1am...and then i was awake for hours unable to shut off. i obsessed from one thing to another. why my family is messed up. why his family is messed up. why we are messed up.

i'm cleaning today for therapy. trying to create the scene of a put together person. "look...everything is in order...i'm so organized and figured out."

right.

I need to read something...or get more sleep. I need something else to do with my brain.

too complicated.

It's been a long time.
I've been busy...and on vacation. We're back now. My mom and niece are here. I'm still recovering from our Lake Placid trip. Still putting away things. Still sleepy. I think it's being pg more than anything. I'm a little cranky and a lot annoying myself. My body just won't do what I need it to do. I get tired doing a little chore and then feel like I need to lie down.

The weather is slightly hot, but I won't complain. We are cooler than most of the U.S. It's going to be 90 today. Other parts are in the 100s. No thanks. We stay inside in the AC...and I find a million things I'd like to do and then look at the couch longingly.

Could I complain more?

Lake Placid was lovely. Our place was very nice and our company was fantastic. Spending time with friends in a beautiful place...I couldn't have asked for more. I need to post some of the pics and send them to everyone.

Here's one of all of us in the boat:

 Fun, eh??


As I mentioned before, Kendra, my niece is here. She is doing a drama camp for 3 weeks. Spending time with a 17 yr old is challenging. The boys, the drama, the total distraction. She is struggling through it all. I was a disaster at 17--totally immature and had no clue about life. Now to be faced with that again is pay back. I've introduced her to Felicity and we are watching episodes each night with my mom. They really like it--of course!! I'm hoping it will enlighten K about complications in youth. However, it is just a tv show. (and a dated one at that.) Felicity didn't have a cell phone. This is a BIG difference. She didn't have FB...another problem. Gosh...life used to be a lot more simple.

Nora

Nora Ephron died yesterday and I am so shocked and saddened. When Harry Met Sally is one of my all time favorite movies. It keeps me company when I am lonely. It cheers me up when I am sad. I put it on when I want to spend time with friends--Harry and Sally.

I read her books and love her movies. She was fantastic. I feel like a friend passed away.

Barf.

The pg hormones are getting the best of me today. I feel a bit off kilter. I want to cry. I'm horribly frustrated about many things. It's a day where I should be sent to an island away from other people. The world would be a better place if there was that type of option. If you're having a bad day and you know it...you could choose to leave and not spill over into the happy people.

I'm betting this feeling will go away in an hour or so. Former bi-polar-ness helps with the diagnosis.

My niece is "dating" someone. ugh. I'm not ready for this time of life. She is 17 and boy crazy. The boy she picked is...nice in the Kansas sense of the word. He's religious, he's republican, he's a bit full of himself. He is older by 2 years and in college. College people should date college people. Leave the HS girls alone. (Could I sound more closed minded???) My first love was 4 years older...I'm a total hypocrite and I don't care. There is a world of difference between college and HS. I just don't want her to get serious. (Like I did) I want her to date for fun. He said to me, "I don't date for fun...I only date if I can see a possible future with that person." I think he thinks that adults want to hear this stuff. I wanted to barf. SERIOUSLY?? At 19?? Geesh people. Have some fun. Kiss some people and keep it relaxed. This is the Kansas way as well. Too serious...too soon. Everyone wants to get married in their early twenties--or at 20. UGH.

See, I'm not in a good mood. I don't like boys. I don't like messes today. I don't like hormones. I'm not real fond of myself today.

Thursday...

HOT.

Z and I are headed next door to the pool in about 15 mins. I'm thrilled for the pool day--but the only suit I have is the one I got for my honeymoon. Least to say it doesn't fit. I looked like a stuffed sausage! I have a cover up I don't plan on taking off. My new one is suppose to arrive today. COME ON FED EX!!!

Z looks adorable in her suit. Geesh. I miss the younger years of the lake and the pool when I lived in my swimming suit and flip flops. I was a fish...a tan one. I miss skiing and camping and campfires and tents. (I miss being young and not worrying about cellulite.)

I'm thinking about taking another writing course. My playwriting course got sidetracked by early pregnancy sickness. I'd take a class about writing about your life. It looks so therapeutic. It's probably a class full of bleeding hearts, but oh well. It's a way of getting some cheaper therapy.

I spent some time this morning sweeping the front steps. Our bat continues to shat all over. It's gross. I like the idea of it finding shelter here...just wished it was a bit more tidy.

cabin fever

It is hotter than hell out. Not as hot as it can be in Kansas...but for Rochester, it's hot. It hit 100 on my thermometer. We're headed to the neighbors to swim in the morning. If you can, you should always move next door to someone with a pool--that way you don't have to do anything with it, but then you can be invited to pool parties.

I should get preggo swim suit tomorrow. I am going to get sun this summer. I may be a whale, but I am sick of being white. I did buy 70 SPF though today.

Father's day was nice. We went to the beach for the day. I sat in a chair and was deadbeat mommy while they played. (Bitch session--) My back is killing me and I'm exhausted and I'm big. Ok, that's enough. October seems a long time away.

I want someone to come dye my hair and give me a mani pedi. I'd also like teeth whitening and a massage. Is this too much to ask?

Our trip to Lake Placid is very soon. I'm clinging to it. I love it there. It is beautiful. I just want some new scenery soon.

A margarita would be heavenly.

Well, after two housebound days, I got Z out yesterday to an indoor playground. We'd never been there before. She LOVED it. She's totally unaware of her age or size and plays on everything the big kids do. Even if the step is up to her chest, she spends the time (about 15 minutes) to figure out how to get up and go. After she mastered the technique, she was everywhere in that place. She is not afraid of anything and does not look to me for help. She is so independent--more than I am.

Today we have Little Gym. It forces me to get out. I'm really not such a home body all of the time. But pregnancy is bringing out all my blueness. I keep complaining on here thinking it will all bleed out.

It is gorgeous out. Sunny--high of 70. I cleaned up the upstairs and vacuumed. Nicole, our nanny, is coming today for a couple of hours. I  have errands to do and Z is VERY happy about it. I always liked my babysitters as a kid. I hid from them right off the bat and they found me when they came in. I still remember that.

I am ready for guests and family members. I think they will take my mind off of myself. I tend to get horribly self centered. I am going to reach out to the two moms that gave me their info today though. I will!! I would like someone to go to the beach with.

Whining a bit.

Today I miss having a desk job. I'm not so great at the stay at home mommy thing. Z will soon go to a preschool 2 days a week and I feel she will thrive there. I'm looking forward to the baby. I'm wondering if my pregnancy is part of the problem--the sickness, the fatigue, the blahness. I make sure I am extra sweet to Z--but I should also probably try to work on activities for her and such. I'm a home body right now. I have no energy.  My other thought is that I need to network more. I've had two moms give me their number so we can hang out and I haven't done anything about it. I'm like a bad date. I should rally. I should get more friends. I should stop being such a loner.

The rain is pouring down today. Yesterday, it was sunny and hot. I actually got some sun! I ordered a couple of swim suits for my rounding body yesterday. We'll see if that gets me going to the pool. Am I depressed? I don't feel it....not really. Hmmm. Is this just the hormones?

I think I'll clean and check back later. I'm not feeling a 100% fun.

ok, I'm back (5 mins later)
I think a good idea for me is that I need to have more of a structured day. I need to plan it out...say, 9-9:30 work on letters, have a set time for reading books, have a set time for coloring, etc. Set it up like a work day. Maybe that would help me stay on task. I could have a set time when I clean and a set time when I work with Z on things.

Am I over thinking this???

Is the art of conversation lost?

We are all too busy. It's my thought of the week. Maybe we always have been? It was topped off by Jason rushing out the door this morning for a week in San Fran and didn't have time to say goodbye. He's apologized many times over the phone and text since...but it did hurt my feelings. Of course, he also had a major conversation with his sister over text yesterday when I felt it should be over the phone. I am not upset with him...but the world in which we live now allows those who are uncomfortable with certain conversations to text and not have to deal. Jason cuts himself off from the world at times--as we all do. I dive into a book or a movie and don't come up for air sometimes. We escape into what's comfortable for us. But, before TV and computers and cell phones...didn't people HAVE to talk to one another? They wrote letters, talked on the phone or just went to see that person. High Schoolers text--they don't talk. It's so odd to me. My friendships are based on LOTS of talking and note passing. I memorized their handwriting. It was a part of them. I memorized their phone numbers. I still have them memorized. Does anyone know anyones phone number anymore?

We are getting away from it all. And it's only going to get worse. I've thought about disconnecting from FB. I haven't decided. I'm just hormonal and thinking very deeply into everything.

I got an email today from one of my dearest friends who I haven't spoken to in months. It was nice to hear she was thinking of me...but I was still upset that we hadn't talked. Is this just a busy time of our lives--the child bearing years? I'm not sure. It just makes me sad.

we are all too damn busy

Cell phones and FB are convenient, yes--but they are taking away the meat of my friendships. It's my fault I let them. It's a fake closeness. No one TALKS on the phone anymore, they just text. No one sends letters much anymore...they send a message on FB. I think it's a great way for a mass announcement or mass support. But--for one on one, it sucks.

I miss my friends. I miss talking to them. I miss when life was less busy and we were able to just sit and talk for long periods of time. I'm just emotional and irritated. Some of my good friends I haven't heard from in such a long time...ARE WE REALLY THAT DAMN BUSY???!! life is too short. make an effort.

Let the sun shine in

There are days when we are not our best selves. But, fortunately, I have Z who holds up a mirror. I was cranky and awful this morning--horribly tired and nauseous. But, she is resilient and told me it was ok. She laughed, "wow mom...you really are tired." She found it funny and I felt foolish.

The sun burst through today after days of gray. I needed it.

Sometimes I become so focused on myself and how I'm feeling, I forget the hell others go through. My friend just lost both her parents in a car accident this past weekend and SHE is really going through something awful. I need to remember that I'm going to get through whatever crap I'm feeling--but my little family is doing well.

And the sun is shining.

Just heard some horribly sad news.

Some have too much sadness and shock in their lives. It's just inconceivable.
Love those around you the best you can.