movies.

A quick entry about movies.

My faves this year were Her, Philomena, 12 Years a Slave and The Wolf of Wall Street.

Her-- Perfect script. Beautifully shot. I loved the colors. When I heard him (Jaq's character) talk about the fact that he didn't believe he'd ever feel so in love (with Scarlett...) and feel so deeply--that he was feeling new feelings...when he felt he'd only feel lesser extremes of feelings he'd already felt in his life...(I'm paraphrasing)--man, did I get that. There comes a point when you have to wonder...so, is this it? Is this the greatest amount of love and joy I'm going to have and everything else will just be equal or lesser than this?? Will I ever feel something I've never felt before...again? Wow.

12 Years-- Difficult to watch, but mind blowing for me. I cried, I looked away and I felt pretty much sick afterward. But, I'm glad I went. (And I am glad I was alone.) The amount of pain on every front...the amount of agony and cruelty that people had to endure...it's hard for me not to have profound thoughts about my existence at this point in history.

Philomena--My dad is adopted. I've been researching to find his mother and not being very successful. It's a long, hard process...with lots of road blocks. I loved Judi in this. I find it hopeful and heartbreaking.

The Wolf--Hmmm...a lot of people hated this movie. I loved it for what it was. I loved the performances--crazy as they were. I was on the ride with them. I was in awe of a type of life I would never want. The riches portrayed are ones I have no interest in at all. I'm glad to know that about myself. It's a more is more movie. It's not for everyone...but I loved it.

Oscar picks are coming...

A stepford day.

Some days you just want to go back to bed. You want some one to come take care of your kids and you want to be alone. Some days you're just tired. I want to wake up and have everything done. You want to feel refreshed and happy. You want there to be food on the table that you didn't cook. The groceries bought and everyone just sitting there smiling at you.

It sounds very scary actually. Like a robotic world. right?

Yeah...I know. that's what I want today. 

sadly pathetic. annying.

Well, anxiety is getting the better of me today. And it's anxiety over nothing important. Things that I WANT done aren't getting done and I feel as if I can't keep up. Well, sort of important I guess. Like getting to the gym. I just can't seem to get there. I'm bogged down by house chores and find myself at the end of the day feeling exhausted and defeated. I haven't been in 3 weeks. I feel as if I should just admit defeat and when my trainer returns from his vacation--go in, with my head down and say, "we may be starting from the beginning...but at least I'm here." Unless I have an appt, I don't seem to go at all.

My priorities are off. I feel as if things have to be in their place before I can do anything outside of the house.

I REALLY want to be part of a book club. There are two groups that have invited me. I can't get the books read. If I'm not immediately captured by it, I get bored and move on. Annoying. I do want to be a reader. I'm more of a movie watcher and it makes me feel almost lazy--but it is what it is. However, I don't believe book clubs are meant to cause anxiety. I just want to be around a group of women again. I need a social life!!

Is all this making me sound pathetic?

I'm afraid it is...

The thing is...I want to be a reader and a movie goer. I want to write about them. I want to get letters off to friends. I want my house to be clean. I want my children to feel loved and spend time with them doing art projects and reading books. I want to be a good cook and have every meal planned and perfect. I want to go to the gym! I want to be in close contact with my good friends and check up on their lives so they know I care. I want to be on top of it all. I can't seem to do it. I'm failing in fact. And...the anxiety continues to creep in. 

UV twinkle lights need to be invented.

Look at me. 2 days in a row.

This weekend starts off the Oscar season--which means that I need to get to the movies. Jason sits with the girls while I go and see all my flicks. I don't mind movies alone...and sometimes, I'd rather. Tonight is Wolf of Wall Street. Tomorrow is a double feature of August:Osage County and Inside Llewyn Davis. I can't wait. Jason and I trade for time. He goes on bike rides (even in the cold!) and I see movies. It's a good deal.

Good movies help the winter along. Without them...it would seem just cold and joyless. Not really, but for me, it might. I look forward to Oscar season. I always know the theatres are packed with good films and I know that Dustin is on his way for his annual visit. Having annual get togethers are important. We try to have an annual 4th of July in Lake Placid and the friends and family seem to be growing in attendance for that. I think that as I grow older and my friends are far away with their own families and careers...you have to set aside time. Some aren't so friend-o-centric...but I always have been. My close friends are a part of my family.

The week has been slow going, but it's starting to get better. Last night I sat in bed and felt overwhelmed and tired. The night is the worst for me...in those moments I need to just turn off the light and go to sleep. My heart always feels heavier in the evening and a good night's rest can rejuvenate me for the next day. The day to day gets to me.

Seeing the brightly colored birds in the winter cloaked trees helps a lot. It's a nice spark of color. Hope.

I took the tree down before we left for FL. Today I have to tackle the rest of the decorations. It's a sad day. The comforting glow of lights around the windows at night always made me feel better. I'll just have to light more fires.

YES I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER!

It's awful.

Deep breath. Put on a mix from 8tracks.com and drink another cup of coffee even though it's horrible for me. whatever works. Harper is sleeping. Z is at school. It's time to be productive.

Still here.

But it's been a while. I felt like my posts were feeling like broken records. SAD grabbed a hold of me and I was a bit negative. Thought maybe I shouldn't throw that into the world. But, I'm back now...medicated and better. HA!

Let's speak to that. I did go on Wellbutrin. Was having trouble sleeping and then was feeling so anxious about it. I went to the doctor and this seemed to be a way of handling it. I tried another medication first and it made me sick. Awful. Anyway, so far so good now.

November and December are some what of a blur. It included a road trip to Orlando. We won't be doing that again for some time. A 1 year old and 4 year old aren't the best road trippers. They were troopers, but it was hard on them. We are working now on sleeping schedules. I depriving them of naps to handle it. Not winning any mom awards lately.

Jason finished is Master's Degree. Thank GOD!!! That just sucked. If anyone is working full time and going to school...they are a wreck and so are you. Sleep deprived and cranky...it is all on you to do the rest. He rocked it and got an A in his last class--without even turning in one of the papers he just couldn't get to. Unreal. He's just like that. It is sort of annoying.

I'm currently in pjs and a robe...my uniform for this week it seems. I've been in it for 2 days. Since being home, the goal is to put the house back in order. Unpacking, laundry, etc. It shouldn't be this hard. Tomorrow, Z goes back to preschool and that will help immensely. Yesterday I was so tired, I walked around in a fog.

So, for the new year...more posts. I won't back away, even if I'm feeling blue and cranky. could be humorous to someone out there.

Happy New Year.

(See, I feel this post is boring, but I'm still posting it!!)

Children will listen...even adult ones.

Again, I'm over thinking. Or, maybe just not disregarding. I have a hard time when someone disappoints me. I can't even let them know. I just carry it around with me and feel awful about it. Instead of dealing with it...as I grow older, I tend to just move away from them a bit. That makes me sad, too. I'm trying to file all of these things so I can remember what not to do.

Here's the thing. Even if you have a struggle with someone...they are loved by someone else. One should always keep that in mind. I don't. But, feeling the sting of hearing a negative comment (that I was not suppose to hear) about someone I love--I will now keep it in mind. It's hard when you have a negative opinion of someone...and someone else can't see your point. BUT, it isn't your job to turn them.

I realize I write about thing so vaguely sometimes. I can't exactly be direct about this one. But I can still write about what I learn. I'm slow to learn the "if you can't say anything nice" lesson. I most always have to be on the receiving end of a lesson in order to understand the harm first. That sucks about me.

This song reminds me of this point...
How what your words or your actions affect your children (or anyone around you). You are always a parent...and adult children are still small in many ways.

Love Barbra...

After The Gypsies

After the Gypsies

stole me
I began to live in color
I felt bruises from
cobblestones beneath my feet
Treats thrown to me in the street tasted deliciously sweet
Rocks under my head shortened my dreams
made them frequent/vibrant
My scent became that
of a wild animal
Tangles in my hair made it thick/luxurious
Every eye followed my
dash to grab a rotten piece of fruit from vendors who reeked of hashish and nicotine
Henna was placed upon
my hands
I had no need to wash them
Winters cold and summers heat tested my survival instincts
After the gypsies stole me
I felt so alive

---Ronda Miller. 

Ronda is a dear friend of mine. She's a poet and a lover of life. She is a survivor. It shows in this poem. I've posted poems from her on here before, but I wanted to address this one. 

There is an episode of Breaking Bad when Jesse finds a little boy in a horrendous situation. His parents are meth heads and the little boy lives in squaller. They are awful conditions. The boys seems unaffected. He knows this as his childhood. In the book, Room, a child experiences his childhood in prison...but that's his reality. He doesn't know anything different. Children seem to be born with such natural optimism. They make the best out of everything. They rise above. They are survivors. When does this leave us? When does pessimism sneak in? When do we start looking around and realizing..."This is shit. I need out of here." I'm not sure. I know there were times I had in Chicago when I was broke and took jobs to get by...and life was difficult. During the time it seemed normal and I just did what I had to do. Looking back I think, "how did I do that??" I think there are many times we look back on life and realize that things were a lot rougher than we thought and yet, we survived just fine. It's when you are older...when you've lived and you go through a rough time and think..."this really sucks..." That's when a decision is made. When I was so horribly depressed in college, I remember thinking how much more I felt than anyone else. I really understood how life felt. I was feeling the lows of low and the highs of high. I felt alive then. It was a rough time...but man, I wrote some good stuff. Luckily the decision I've always made is to make it through and make the best of it. I finally get so tired of feeling badly that I just decide to feel better. 

Sadly, some are unable to come to that conclusion. We lose them to that feeling. 

The optimism of this poem...to turn the harsh climate into a story of triumph. I love it. 

I really don't want to care.

Harper is walking...a few steps and then down--but she's doing it! She gets very excited when she realizes what's going on.
She seems happy with learning new things each day. She made show frustration but I don't see the disappointment at the things that she is unable to do. If she can't seem to do it she just keep trying until she can.

A sad realization about myself is that I spend most of my time thinking how I could be better instesd of being appreciative of who I already am. I could be a better cook. I could do better at the gym. The house could be cleaner. I should be reading more books. I should be writing more. I feel as if I'm not interesting enough. I see people that just exude confidence and I'm puzzled by it. Why am I not like that? Why am I not just satisfied with how I am alone. I do like spending time with myself. Its not like I don't like me, I just wish I was a better me. I focus way too much on outside influences and what other people think. I yearn to not give a shit.
I would say its because I'm at home with my thoughts all day, that I dive in the deep all the time. However I've always felt this way. Is this something that we get from my parents? Are we born with all these insecurities that never go away? I always want to be like somebody else. I've written about this a lot. I feel that there's something that I am supposed to do that I have not done yet. I really need to figure out what that is.

Digging in.

Halloween is over the decorations must come down, marking another date looked forward to and passed. The trees have some leaves left, though we had a huge windstorm that I thought would leave them skeletal.

I need color outside for just a while longer before it is cloaked in white. But, I am looking forward to that, too. I constantly look forward or backward. I struggle with today. It's as if I'm holding onto a rope and pull up toward something (I don't know what) and look back and think, "wow, I'm only that far?" What a dim look at life. I have waves of happy...and waves of not so happy. Thus, the way everyone goes about it, I suppose. God I sound depressing.

Sometimes I feel as if the people who glide through life without thinking too much have it figured out. I think too much about everything. I dive deep into the meanings of each day. I think too much about the thoughts of others as well. I pick apart relationships in my head. I go over and over conversations I've had with people wondering if it could have gone better. ?? It is a frustrating and tiring way of existence. I bring things to attention. I don't do well with ignoring tough situations. I bring them up to people and it makes them uncomfortable. I cause people to ponder whether they can mentally handle time with me or not. OR they don't and I've just created all of it. The friends of mine that are naturally thinkers and ponder-ists have no issue. It's the people who just want to not think about much and think I'm making things harder by dealing with it. I guess they may be right.

There are issues that need to be dealt with--and it frustrates me to NO END when I'm forced to table it so I don't ruin the relationship.

Well was that vague enough?!

I've been watching some documentaries that have me thinking even more! So that doesn't help.
However, I REALLY recommend those who WANT to dive in to that stuff. They are about family and how you see things as a child vs as an adult. The REAL things parents are thinking, doing and feeling that aren't aware of as children. As an adult...and married with children of my own, they really struck a cord with me.

Stories We Tell


and

51 Birch Street.

I think lesbian call girl sounds better.

When I had my weekend away 3 weeks ago, I said I was going to write every day. Clearly, that didn't happen. I constantly make rules for myself that I break. It's annoying. No one knows about them except me--and now, you, but still. Time gets away from me.

The gym training is going very well. I'm so much stronger than I was when I started. It's amazing how quickly your body responds. I lost my spare tire. I just need to wipe out the cellulite, but I don't believe that is possible. damn.

Harper turns 1 tomorrow. I can't believe it. She is about the sweetest thing. Always smiling and happy. She has her moments when she is hungry or tired, but otherwise, she is just so good. She is starting to sign now. She can sign milk, more, eat and nap. She can stand and walk with assistance but she isn't quite walking yet.

This is such a random post. It's more of a catch up.
I finished The Killing (all 3 seasons) on Amazon--really loved it. It is so dark though. Linden, the main character is so flawed and brave. She is a different breed of woman from me. I find it so interesting to see how we can all dive into such dark places in our minds--and how we survive them.
I watched a movie the other night, Concussion, that is not for everyone. I loved it, but I focused more on what compelled the main character to go through her journey. She is a lesbian in a marriage that seems to have dulled by jobs and children. She is lonely and bored with her existence. She decides to become a (for lack of a better word) prostitute. She is only with women. It's is a very Pottery Barn way of going about it. All of her clients are beautiful. They meet tin a chic apartment that she has redone as a side project. The whole things seems unrealistic. However, her thought processes and such were fascinating to me. I told Jason that I identified with her--"You identify with a lesbian prostitute? Hmmm." Yeah, I can see how he might not get it. You had to be there, I guess.

We are seeing Gravity tonight in 3D IMAX. I'm excited! Next weekend we're going to see The 39 Steps at Geva. That one is the one I'm really excited to see. I love Hitchcock and Geva always does such a Broadway level job. I'm so impressed with them. I'd love to become part of that theatre somehow--behind the scenes. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be...

It seems to me that I'm drawn to stories of very confused, lost women. Hmmm. That's concerning, right??

maybe i should buy a cape.

I have a fear of flying. Well, I get anxious about becoming anxious when flying. My face feels like tiny pins are sticking it and I feel light headed. It's always about the time before take off. I have more to lose now if things don't work out. I'm so excited for my weekend away, yet miss my girls already. I could have cried taking Z to Doodle Bugs this morning. I didn't, she wouldn't understand. It seems like at times all I want is some time to myself--but in the hours leading up to it, it feels like my heart is so heavy. Is this an unhealthy attachment to my children? Maybe. Oh well. Deep breath. They will be fine.

That's another one of my issues--I feel like anyone out of my sight is in danger of not coming back. I have MAJOR separation anxiety. Except it goes further...I'm fearful. I'm terrified of any type of accident. I really need to be seen about it. My anxiety is out of control.

I am a fearful person. It doesn't seem to match me at times, but I feel it is true. I've done a lot of brave/stupid things...but mostly, I'm clueless when I'm doing it. I'm trying to put this part of myself aside so that the girls don't see it. My mom is fear based it seems. She worries over everything. I feel like that causes the child to have anxiety...and the cycle continues.

Woman up. Right? You're right. I need to. I'm going to. As soon as I get out of this fetal position.

I want someone to swing me around and show me beauty...

Spent the day trying to be productive. I was mostly successful. I leave for Chicago for the weekend tomorrow. A couple of days with dear friends to relax and not be a mommy or a wife. (well, you know what I mean.)

I am admittedly a better mommy than wife. I was a good girlfriend--I think. As a wife, I struggle to keep my independence and not fall into some type of 1950s style of life. Stay at home mom--I mean, hello!! It's hard not to feel less than in front of women that have children and work a full time job. Bravo to them. I love staying home with the girls, but it affects my mentality. I'm trying to paint a picture of a secure person who is cool with all of her decisions. I'm sweet and cuddly with my girls. I struggle with the sweet and cuddly wife thing. ?? I used to be the biggest mush. I think I second guess how J sees me--basically thinking I'm not that interesting most of the time, so how could he think so?

This is a therapy session folks, sorry.

Okay. I want to see Gravity. The movies are pouring out due to awards season and there is just not enough time!! #1stworldproblems.

Z is starting to like movies. She can sit and watch them over and over. This week it was Robin Hood (the Disney fox version) and The Wizard of Oz. I was a little shocked about that one, but the McD's toys spurred her interested.

Let's end with something happy.
This is my all time favorite movie.
And I feel like I need this type of experience right now...

you mock my pain.

I'm finding it hard to be consistent here. Having the blues makes you want to hide away from the world a bit and not pull people into your oh woe is me-ness. But I'm forcing myself to reach out today. The trees are starting to really pop. Yesterday was good. Z and I decorated for Halloween. We have lights with sound effects (thunder and lightening!) and lights that licker like lanterns. It's cool. Z calls one of the rooms "the spooky forest" because we have a 4 ft. black gnarly tree that is wrapped in lights. We embrace all of the ghouls here. Except, that I can't even watch scary movies if I know J will be gone due to my over active imagination.

Harper turns 1 in 18 days. I can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, so she is still my baby. She is the sweetest. Constantly comes in for a cuddle and loves to hold hands and mimic anything you do. (She's really quite good!)

I'm resisting the urge to nap right now, worrying that I'll go under water. I've always seen the blues as water slowly creeping up my neck trying to over take me. I don't feel like drowning. Jason is out of town tonight and there is much to do before these girls go to bed.

The words from The Princess Bride keep running over and over in my head lately. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something."

My idealist thoughts of life were probably born out of movies. I hold on to them a lot. Hence, the fact that I am constantly disappointed. The people in my life that constantly told me how hard life is, I felt were always so negative. Well, they were right--but I still think they were negative about it. It is hard. All aspects have challenges. I struggle with most things. However, I still see the light in most situations. How else to you keep going??

The light is here...mine is just dimmed a bit. It will burn bright again. I just have to be patient.

more control issues

The sun is shining. It's going to be a beautiful day. Yet, I am full of anxiety. This is driving me nuts. When surrounded by people who struggle daily, I seem to find stress in my good life. I feel guilty about feeling this way.

Okay, I have a really hard time owning my feelings. I feel badly if I feel bad. If I have anxiety. If I'm lonely. If I need more attention. It's not the woman I want to be--yet, it is the woman I am. It wouldn't take a lot, just a little. To have a go to movie person--when J can 't go. To have a go to person that comes over and chit chats. To have a go to person to go on walks.

I've lived my with close friends. I'm a friend person. I can't make Jason be everything to me and I've been trying to. That doesn't work. When I'm lonely, it is all on him. I need to nourish some parts of me that are not mommy and wife.

I got a trainer at the gym and that's been great. I'm getting stronger. My body was so weak from surgeries, babies and no exercise. Now, I feel like I'm taking control of it.

My life is a good one. I know this. I am aware of the hardships of others and know that I am lucky to have the life I have. It's my insides I need to work on.


(Thank you JP for reaching out. That made a HUGE difference)

I've been avoiding this

I haven't blogged forever. I know. I feel like I've been avoiding it. I've been filled with too much conflicting emotion and worried about being too negative. I think it's a low spot. The girls are always my high point--though I have my days when I feel like another mom needs to check in so I can rest and be a better me. I am tired...yet everyone is. I feel as if I can't own my own issues. I know everyone has them...therefore it makes me feel like a wimp to deal with my own. Someone out there is always tougher, smarter, more equipped than I am. I want to be good at it. I want to be better than I am.

Today is a day where I feel as if I'm on an island alone. I don't feel in touch with anyone. I don't feel connected. I'm lonely. I'm used to such every day closeness...with friends, etc. I don't have that here. I look outward for love. I'm needy. I hate admitting that. I want to strong, independent and self sufficient. I'm  just not. I need affection. I need connection. I need conversation.

Jason works a lot. Everyone knows this. It is too much for me, really. It's too much for him, too. He is addicted. He doesn't think so. They never do. I don't know what to say about this really. It's just the way it is.

My good friends are far away. The phone sucks. The reality is that life gets busy and makes it hard to stay in touch the way I want to.

I'm lost today. I'm bored with myself. I'm bored with who I am...I'm not seeming to learn anything new. I obsess over things I can't change. Things I feel as if I can somehow. My family stresses me out. I feel like a little girl constantly upset. When will I ever feel like an adult?

See...this is whiny. I can't help it. I'm processing. damn.

I've been gone. sort of.

I'm back now. I had family in for 5 weeks. So, I became a full time maid and cruise director and didn't have time to write.

So many things to reflect on and discuss. Geesh. Here is a quick list of things I either learned or had reemphasized in the last 5-6 weeks.

1. You may share blood...and nothing else. Isn't that odd??
2. I have a hard time carving out time for myself with others are around.
3. I  need to let my daughters fight their own battles, but I really want to solve all of their problems myself.
4. I need more therapy.
5. I need to work on my fear of conflict, especially if it is needed.
6. #4 covers a lot of my issues I've discovered in myself.


Some random thoughts:

1. Watched House of Cards on Netflix and LOVE IT!!!
2. I've started reading a book on parenting a strong willed child so that I don't ruin my relationship with Z.
3. At one time I lived without a dishwasher...ours broke and I went nuts the first day. Talk about a 1st world problem!
4. I'm starting with a trainer at my gym soon. Jason and friends did Tough Mudder in Buffalo and I backed out due to fear of breaking my body. Watching them, I was filled with regret. Next year...I totally want to do it.
5. I'm tired of being fearful. I need to face some things head on.


More to come...
It feels good to be back!!

happy for no reason it seems

It's harder for me to write every day. ugh. Today it's raining...and will be for the next several days. The next clear, sunny day is forecasted for July 5th. geesh.

my mood is good, though. i'm in a great mood today for some reason. i've been stressed out for days. i don't know what the change is, but i'll take it. how out of touch i am with myself that when i am in a great mood, i don't even know why. that's messed up.

jason's birthday is today. he's 36. we'll celebrate tomorrow night. Moe's or wings...and World War Z. He's a zombie lover.

my family arrives on sunday or monday. we're quickly doing house projects. new lights, new door, new faucets. we do most of our home renovations during july. it stresses j out that people will be here during all of the work--but he has a vision of how things should be. if he could totally redecorate the entire house before anyone visited, he would. whacko.

the girls are great. Harper is such a darling. she makes the sweetest noises. Z is really into fort making. yesterday she was all about making paper fans and doing japanese fan dances. She loves Phillip Phillips. She cracks me up.

Well, there's much to be tidied up. I guess I should get to it.

Here is Will's story.

Again, click on link...

http://youtu.be/VihMT-RRKnk

Pressure Man--Will Gray.

my friend, Reva is playing banjo...and is a back up singer.

I'm having a hard time with the injustice of cancer. it's taken dear friends before. I don't even know Will personally. maybe it's because I'm older. maybe because I have children. Yes, I think that's it. How will I explain why these thing happen? He's not gone. I don't mean to write as if he is. He's just so ill and nothing can really be done except to hope and pray.

http://goteamgray.com/

#goteamgray

song birds

http://youtu.be/LqoROX6lZm4

click on the link because the damn video upload won't work.