The rain is keeping the birds away...

Here are some that live in my house...I've started a collection. It started with the one on my lower back, a tattoo I got in 2001. I'm not a huge fan of tattoos, but I do like mine. I forget it's there half the time. I think I just love the idea of flying away...and being beautiful. Such freedom. I have too much time on my hands to actually think all of these things, I realize this. But, it's raining again today. Z is enjoying a nap and I'm sitting in my house with all of the gray natural light pouring through the windows. Jason is gone today and won't be back until later tonight. He has one hell of a week in store. I feel for him.

Today, my plans are laundry (which is a given), meal planning, grocery getting (yuck) and reading. It sounds relaxed doesn't it? We'll see how much of that Z allows me to get done. I'm trying to relish these early days...before she's crawling then walking. Then, I'll just put the vacuum in her little hands and tell her to go at it!

streams of consciousness

I just put Z down to bed. Sweet girl. She had an impromptu bath earlier this evening after she pooped an enormous amount and it crawled halfway up her back. She really seemed pleased with herself. She and I have this silent way of communicating. With looks and smiles, she seems to really understand what I need from her at given times. There is most certainly a bond there and I've never felt this way in my life. So connected. I remember feeling so close to my mother. When we moved to Topeka after my parents divorced, I would lay in bed and feel so homesick for her as she studied in the basement. I'd have to take my blanket and just lay next to her as she typed or read in her office. I also remember thinking that she might be Jesus Christ. This is strange. I felt no one in the world was as perfect as she was, or as kind, or as wonderful. An interesting thought process there. I don't expect Z to have those same kinds of feelings--I have to chuckle a bit at her thinking I'm Jesus. I was vulnerable and probably had some abandonment issues I was dealing with...

She's growing so fast. She slept in our room last night and we slept in the guest bedroom. I wanted to see how she'd sleep without me in the room. Not bad at all! Jason wasn't ready. He doesn't want her to be in her room at all. It marks change for him...that his little girl is growing up. Jason hates change...and he's definitely not ready for his little girl to get any bigger.

I'm ready to hear her thoughts. My mom visited not too long ago and we had many a conversation. I wonder if Z and I will be as close. My mother is not as loose lipped as I am. She's very conservative about certain topics. I've never been conservative. Never. I've always spoken my mind-much to my mother's horror many a time. Wendy and I are so different as well. My sister is extremely private with her emotions. So is my father. In fact, I am the black sheep. I'm constantly in motion, moving from here to there...constantly talking and wanting to know more and more about everything in life.

A great example of how I affect my family: My father came to help Jason and I move to New York from Chicago. When he was in the car with me, I asked him tons of questions about his life...his parents...just anything I wanted to know. When we stopped to get gas, he said, "I think I'll ride with Jason for a while."

I easily tire most people. Jason was drawn to me for this reason I think. (Not that I'm tiring, but that I talk about everything) He's about as tight lipped as they come. I think people need others to bring inner thoughts and feelings to the surface. My dramatics that seemed to rule my life when I met him flew right out the window. He doesn't deal with drama. He's quiet and handled me quietly and my demons seemed to lose their power.

It's obviously late. I always talk too much when it's late.

Saturday morning coffee is the best.

Today, Z got up at 4:50am and Jason took her upstairs so I could sleep. It's Saturday!!! Although he was tired...Saturdays are my time to sleep in. (Though, he took her upstairs during the week as well as I snoozed a bit longer.) He's had a busy week, so he pitches in when he can. I got up around 8:30ish. I poured myself a cup of coffee and put it in the microwave to heat...then got distracted when I had to take out crap in the fridge to get to my creamer. I just kept taking out more crap...and I laid it all over our kitchen. We had 3 practically full bottles of 57 Sauce, 7 different jars of salsa, 4 different jars of green olives, 5 different kinds of mustard and 3 jars of apple sauce. I'm embarrassed. The ridiculous amounts of food that we keep buying because we are too lazy to look to the back of our fridge. So, I cleaned it all out, sprayed the shelves and put back the remaining "still good" containers.

oh, yeah, my coffee...I zapped it for 25 seconds.


Then, I swept the floor. That was over due. And made cinnamon applesauce to eat that up. Then started a laundry...fed Z and rocked her to sleep. When I looked down, I saw a bit of "cradle cap", so I rubbed Vasoline in her hair (like I was instructed to online) and her hair was insane! Full of flakes and grease...so I washed it and washed it and washed it and it's still stiff. I've ruined her hair. She laid there smiling and cooing for about a half hour as I obsessed over combing through the flaking scalp.

Man, I could use some coffee. Zapped it for another 25 seconds.

Jason left to see the taxman. I vacuumed the upstairs, put Z back to sleep after she woke up irritated that I dare leave her side, took a shower, put Z back to sleep again, put all the paper away in the kitchen (due to Jason's frantic tax paper throw together) and guess what...

My coffee is still in the microwave.

Tonight we're having teriyaki chicken! I've been marinating it for 24 hours and I'm about to make my first recipe! I've started taping Paula Dean. She makes me so happy. She also cooks like I do--somewhat healthy/non healthy down home cookin'! She's like my adoptive grandmother. I literally feel happiness when I see her. Is that weird?

I'm combing through more recipes today to come up with a grocery list. Please let Jason be ok with going it alone. I hate grocery shopping.

.

Too Fun Not To Post!!

A little mush to start the weekend.

Last night, Z woke up and was awfully upset. She wasn't crying, but it was clear she wasn't happy. She'd fallen down a bit in her positioner and was stuck. (She wasn't in any real danger in case you want to turn me into child services.) In my middle of the night brain, I felt she was probably frightened and didn't have the heart to put her back in her bed so I made J move over and she laid down by me. For a long time she needed to hold both of my hands. She's really into hand holding. I laid awake with her holding both of her hands until she drifted to sleep. As I laid there, I thought of the times when I used to sleep with my own mother. I slept in her bed for a year or two after the divorce. It was comforting to both of us, I think. I was six. I have such special memories of crawling in with my grandparents when I stayed with them as well. I'd come in in the morning and we'd all laugh and talk in bed together. My father wasn't much on that. The warmth his parents had and my mom have just isn't there when it comes to crawling into bed when you're scared or want to say good morning. I can't wait until Z can come in in the mornings and jump into bed. I know Jason will be up for it. He's so sweet with her. I can't imagine this man ever saying no to her. Oh, she'll be spoiled for sure. It's just a loving feeling...being close to your mom when you don't feel good or when you're scared. You feel so secure. Even now, I know my mom wouldn't turn me away if I asked to sleep with her. There's something about that that just makes you feel loved and cared for...and you're just closer. I hope Z feels secure and loved as much as she possibly can. She's brought so much to our lives already. I've felt for a long time that J had a little piece of his heart that needed to be filled...and she does the job. I know he'll never be the same now. He glows when he's around her. My father was never like that. He's proud of me now I believe...but I don't think I melted his heart.

It's a bit mushy today folks! Just night thoughts I wanted to share.

Bask

The picture is of Honeoye Falls. It's about 15 mins from my house. I was too exhausted that day to enjoy it, so Jason took a picture. I've been so dang tired lately! Today, the sun is shining brightly and I'm feeling better. A coincidence?? I don't think so. I haven't gotten my period yet. (Great update, sorry) However, it's odd. I know I'm not pg. But, man, my hormones are playing tricks on me and I have day to day mood swings. I'm hiding them pretty well. I don't get bitchy, I just don't change out of my pajamas until late afternoon. Today, I'm making myself get out of the house! We're going to Target. We're going to ride around in the sun and listen to some Sheryl Crow. We both need some time out.

Z transferred her rattle today from one hand to the other. This greatly excited Jason who actually squealed. :) "She's brilliant!!" She's getting cuter and cuter every day. She's animated and so alert. She's accomplished all of her goals for her age except rolling over. I can't get her to do it! She hates tummy time and grunts the entire time--usually followed by a spit up. Any suggestions on how this kid can learn to roll?

As I sit here at the desk and look out to see my favorite tree, I can see the buds. Thank god. Spring is here and those leaves are ready to pop. It rained here for 2 days straight. I'm off to get changed and to jump out into the day. Enjoy it everyone.

Who needs Julia Child when you have Becky?

My friend Becky called this morning...just as I was about to call her. I love that. She'd been sending me some recipes to fix, so I thought I'd do the Chicken Salad today. We chatted along and I cooked--I'm not much in the kitchen, but I'm determined to learn! My friend Jeremy has been sending me lots of recipes too! It takes a tribe to raise this family! He has a great recipe for this orange liquor cake that's delish. I feel that my friends are trying to raise me once again. I've constantly been raised and taught by them. (I've taken a long time to mature) Becky kept giving me tips on other meals I can do that are easy for the family. Jason and I have been eating frozen foods long enough! I don't want my daughter to remember me that way. I figure I have about 2 years or so before she can eat my cooking...so I have plenty of time to learn. I'm excited. It's a new adventure for me. Hopefully we'll get a new dining room table so I can cook for family when they come in. They won't even recognize me!! I realize this is a small step for most of you, but this is a BIG step for me. I'm 35 and can't find my way in the kitchen as of yet. Here's a perfect example: I had to Google how to boil an egg this morning. I do know how to boil water though. I bought a garlic press yesterday...no idea how to use it. We'll see...

I'm feeling better today. Yesterday I was so cranky. Probably coming down from my 2 weeks of visitors. I had such a nice time with my mom, it was hard for me to have her leave. I get attached to her. I've tried to distance myself a lot from people so that I don't miss them. That sounds awful. But, as I grow older, it doesn't much work as well as it used to. I should just let myself feel the happiness and the sadness.

Today, I made the chicken salad, egg salad (yuck! it was for Jason), potato salad (yum! my grandma's recipe) and a huge mess in the kitchen. :) I'm in the middle of cleaning it up now. It took me all morning to do this. I need to start fixing things daily. It makes me feel productive. My life is changing. I used to eat out of cans and microwaves...tons of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, gosh. But, I want Z to be healthy and happy. Small steps, but I'll get there!

Cranky

Ok, today, I've been cranky. Please let it be that my period is coming. I can't take this feeling anyomore....

I'm tired, my joints hurt, I'm irritated with everything and everyone--it's just not pleasant to be me or be around me. I'm sure Jason would agree. He's been a trooper though. I cleaned to feel better. I hate that that works, but it does. I've been so exhausted. If I knew I wasn't pg, I'd swear I was. I'm just worn out mentally and physically today. Annoying!!

I'm going to try to watch "Happy Go-Lucky" and see if that puts me in a good mood.

I want to sleep for days. Let tomorrow find me well rested and ready to deal with the world! I am reading a fun book, I'll tell you about it tomorrow though...too--tired--to--blog--much--more.

St. Patty's Day

These were taken yesterday. My niece Mackenzie turned 5 yesterday. I think she went to Chucky Cheese. We had Showbiz Pizza when I was little...same concept. In her honor, we dressed up in our best greens. Z, mom and I enjoyed the day outside. It's in the 60s here and we're loving it!! She leaves tomorrow, it's been way too short. But, we've had lots of talks and lots of good food. We're going to see a play tonight at Geva Theatre. It's called The Price. It's an Arthur Miller play. I think we'll really enjoy it! I haven't been to the theatre in a long time. Jason took me there for my birthday last year. Little Z will be home with Jason tonight. I know he is dreading it a bit. She's beginning to be fussy at night--only wanting Mom. Today, she's in overalls. Cute. But she has scratches on her face because I'm a bad mom. I can't get her nails cut! I struggle with it so much...and in the meantime, she looks like Edward Scissorhands. Ugh.

Enjoy the Silence

It's a calm Sunday morning. Jason is reading the paper behind me and Z is in her swing asleep. Yesterday was a busy day. I made J work all day to get the house the way I wanted it. We completely moved around each of our rooms upstairs. Now, each room has a totally different feeling. It's definitely more relaxed now. The TV is now out of the kitchen area and it makes for a nice quiet area. We now have a sitting room by the foyer and the TV is nestled in the corner for nice cozy nights. We'd thought about these configurations when we first moved in, but opted to go against how the old owners used their house. We wanted our own stamp. Dustin gave some great suggestions and I ran with them. Thanks Dustin!! I'll post pics when they are completely done. We have some pictures to hang, etc.

My mom comes today for 5 days. It will be nice to have her around and great to have her see Z at this age. She was here when we brought her home and was here for the first month. Z just slept mostly. Now, she is so animated and smiley!!! Adorable. We normally give her a bath in the big tub with her little bathing tub, but last night, I put her in the sink. She won't fit there long, but it was darling.

I can see clearly now

My head hurts this morning. I think my period is coming after her long hiatus. It's raining out. YUCK day. BUT, we are going to completely rearrange the house today. It doesn't flow well and Dustin gave us lots of great ideas. So, I'm putting Jason to work. I always used to rearrange my room as a kid. I love change. Jason hates it. He has always hated it...even as a kid he'd cry when the family got a new car. Not me. Out with the old and in with the new!!! Not sure why I'm like that, but it has helped me in my life. I've live in a few places and had more than a few job and am still around to tell you about it. Course, I was in a medicated fog through most of it. I'll have to post before and after pics.

Dustin was here for the week. It really fed my soul. We had a great time and he spoiled the crap out of Z. She has her summer wardrobe already! I'm cracked up. Here's a pic of us!

On My Own

Some thoughts.

Oscar opening act sucked. It was really flat for me. Why was Doogie the opener??? That's not the deal. Alec and Steve were the hosts...THEY should've opened. It seemed thrown together to me.

Agreed with all of the Oscar winners. YAY! NO JAMES CAMERON!!! Rock on.

The show was boring........
Last year was so entertaining. I was pretty damn disappointed. I didn't see many of the movies, so at least I didn't put a ton of time into it. I have a lot to watch on Netflix.

Everything was so blah...and today I'm tired but Z is needy. She cries with anyone else and I feel as if I'm shackled. I love being needed and loved, but wonder if I wasn't breast feeding if it would be different. She wouldn't take a bottle today. UGH!

It's a quiet day. Dustin and I just vegged. We even took an afternoon nap--not together. He's congested so he just went to bed. SURE! I finally have Z in bed and BOTH Jason and Dustin are asleep. Unreal. Oh, what a lonely thing it is to be a mommy.

i shouldn't be blogging

in this mood. I'm having a day kids. The lonely day. The "what the hell" kind of day. However, the sun is out and I'm really loving that. The sky is a beautiful blue and the cardinal is eating the food on the ground I put out for him. These damn birds are my only friends today. My daughter is starting to grunt. She's waking from her nap. Thank God she napped today. I got in a couple therapy sessions in. One with Becky--Thank you and one with Wendy--thank you. I had one earlier with Kortney--thank you. I NEED MY DAMN GIRLFRIENDS TO LIVE NEXT DOOR!

Today is a day when they need to come knock on the door and take me to see Alice in Wonderland at the IMAX. They hand Z to Jason and say, "We're taking her." We laugh, see the movie, go eat and laugh more. Man, I could use a drink. :)

Instead, I'm going to self medicate by cleaning my kitchen. What a day.

.

The Oscar Post

First of all, these are based on practically nothing, I'm sad to say. I've barely seen any of them. It's sad...but for good reason.

Best Actor-
I want Colin Firth but I'm guessing Jeff Bridges, though Jeremy Renner would be a nice curve ball. They did that with Tilda, it could happen.

Best Actress-
I want Meryl Streep but I'm guessing Sandra Bullock for the win.

Best Supporting Actor-
Christoph Waltz must and will win this. He was just fantastic in Inglourious Basterds.

Best Supporting Actress-
Mo'Nique. I haven't seen it, but have seen enough. She looks terrifying to me. She should win.

Best Director-
REALLY hoping for Kathryn Bigalow for The Hurt Locker. It was flawless direction...and if Cameron gets it, I'll puke.

Best Original Screenplay-
The Hurt Locker. I did enjoy Basterds though...

Best Adapted Screenplay--
I'm going with Up In The Air, though I haven't seen it.

Best Pic--
Please let it be The Hurt Locker...nah, it'll be Avatar. Basterds would be a nice curve.

An interesting fact about why they're called Oscar---

Some people say Bette Davis is responsible; according to the story, she named her 1936 award after huer first husband, bandleader Harmon Oscar Nelson. The only trouble with this is that Walt Disney had reputedly referred to his statuette as Oscar two years earlier when he won for the award for best cartoon short. Another story is that was bestowed by Margaret Herrick, who was executive director of the Academy of Motion Picture Art and Sciences from the early 1940s until her retirement in 1971. Ms. Herrick was only a librarian in 1931, when she commented that the statuette reminder her of her Uncle Oscar. (Thanks Entertainment Weekly!)


Here are Roger Ebert's pics:

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Best Actor: Jeff Bridges
Best Actress: Sandra Bullock
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique
Original Screenplay: Still a toss-up between The Hurt Locker and Basterds. Star screenwriter, popular movie, likable guy vs. the WGA and the BAFTA wins, no matter that QT was eligible for a WGA (you have to wonder why he isn’t a member of the WGA in the first place after all of these years. Mark Boal is a member and Quentin Tarantino is not? Whaddup with that?)
Adapted Screenplay: Up in the Air
Art Direction: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar OR The Hurt Locker
Editing: The Hurt Locker
Sound: The Hurt Locker
Sound Editing: Avatar
Costumes: The Young Victoria
Makeup: Star Trek
Documentary: The Cove
Foreign Language: El Secreto (Argentina)
Score: Up
Animated Feature: Up
Visual Effects: Avatar
Song: The Weary Kind
Live Action Short: The Door
Animated Short: Loaf and Death
Doc Short: The Last Truck

INTERESTING!! Awardsdaily.com (I love this site) predicts Basterds as the Best Pic win. That would be swell!!

My Dustin is coming in from Chicago to watch them with me. We usually are together...it's a nice excuse to fly one way or the other. This year I'm uneducated, but it'll still be fun. Can't WAIT!!!

Please come to NYC or Toronto.

James Cameron Sucks.

I taped 60 Minutes last night for Jason, but actually missed the part of the show he wanted to see...I started taping mid show. I just got done watching the half I did tape and there was a story about Kathryn Bigelow- the director of The Hurt Locker. A nice little piece on her...until they had to interview James Cameron- her ex. They were married long ago and now are up against one another for Best Director at the Oscars this year. He won the Golden Globe and said she would win the Oscar--hold up, he did not say, "because she deserves it" he said, "because no one can resist that story when they see her name on the ballot." The story refers to the first woman winning best director. I can't stand James Cameron. I've never liked him. He REALLY bugs me and now, after seeing this (though I'm sure he meant no harm), I am SO irritated. He made her win about the story and not about her merit. He shouldn't have even brought up that she'd be the first woman. He should have said, "She'll win because of the work, the woman thing isn't a factor." Now, on the flip side, I've been irritated with the film's leading man, Jeremy Renner and how he acted on Jimmy Fallon's show. He, however, has redeemed himself to me on Ellen and 60 Minutes. He was almost irritated that they made the story about her being a woman director and said her ovaries had nothing to do with it. He's sort of a Sean Penn-ish kind of guy. Irritated with the world, moody, but so talented it's gross. He can sing. In fact, he can sing and play the piano...and is good at both. I dig that.

Yes, Cameron can make a movie...more importantly, he can make movies that SELL. He's made some HUGE movies...the Alien movies, the Terminator movies, The Abyss, Titanic for heaven's sake--and now Avatar. The guy has tons of money and yes, he's talented but he comes off so damn full of himself. I can't stand to watch him. GO KATHRYN!!! I haven't seen Avatar, but it annoys me for some reason. It's basically Dances with Wolves in outer space. I did see The Hurt Locker. Was it the best movie I've ever seen? No, but it's pretty darn good.

I'm ranting, but I'm done now. Wow, he bugs.

.