Oscar Nom day!

Most film students would say that I'm a pathetic excuse for a film major because of my love of the Oscars. The KU Film Dept. is extremely stuck up about film...yes, they are a good school, but wow...it was always a room of egos. I would relive any of those classes in a heartbeat. A great time. True, my English degree got me more jobs than my Film degree, but I love having both. Anyway, this morning I watched the Oscar nominations. I haven't seen a lot of the movies, but I do believe that The King's Speech is excellent and that Colin should win. I have many movies to see before Feb. 27th. My friend Dustin is coming in for the big event. We try to get as many seen and whatever is left we try to squeeze in together in the days we spend together.

For my birthday, Jason and I are going to see Blue Valentine. Michelle Williams was just nominated for her role in it! I know it will be a downer, but I still want to see it. J's mom is coming in for a week. So, I'm taking full advantage and we are going to go on a couple of dates. We went to see movies almost every weekend before Z. That's how we relax. One day, we'll be able to go again...

I'm making myself post today. I haven't in a couple of days. I have more on my mind...but I think I need to digest a bit before I put it on here.

Until then,

Here' are the nominees:

Best motion picture of the year

Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Christian Bale (The Fighter)
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Achievement in directing

Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David O Russell (The Fighter)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Adapted screenplay

127 Hours - Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy (127 Hours)
The Social Network - Aaron Sorkin
Toy Story 3 - Michael Arndt (screenplay); John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich (story)
True Grit - Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)
Winter's Bone - Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Original screenplay

Another Year - Mike Leigh
The Fighter - Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy and Eric Johnson (screenplay); Keith Dorrington, Paul Tamasy and Eric Johnson (story)
Inception - Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right - Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg
The King's Speech - David Seidler

Best animated feature film of the year

How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3

Best foreign language film of the year

Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) (Algeria)

Crazy Lazy

It's been days since I've been out and about. Once we got back from our weekend in Cleveland, I decided to be a shut in. It's been too cold and I've been too overwhelmed by the house. (Meaning, I needed to unload all the luggage and do the laundry and vacuum and clean and psycho OCD things in order to be able to relax.) This is a sad state. I've needed to go to the gym. Today, I'm announcing, I'm going to go! I'm also going to go to Target to get another baby gate. Our house is becoming a fortress of sorts. The girl roams and must be contained.

Matt (Lauer) just said snow is again on its way. Damn. Oh, how I do love the cold beauty of the ice and snow. The mornings arrive fresh and crisp. However, the Spring will be welcomed. Now that Z can walk/run, I need to take this girl to the park to tire herself out. Her small hands don't work in gloves and she won't keep them on--playing in the snow would almost be cruel. I've been watching a Discovery Channel's Everest. It's 6 hours of watching the horrors of climbing Everest. I had no idea of the length of time it takes (about 45 days). Out of about 8 men, only 3 made it to the summit. 2 came out just fine, but the other climbers had several amputations due to frost bite. Is it worth it?? Jason said that before having a family, it was something we would have considered. I understand the desire, I do, but I don't have it within me. If it was a rain forest, maybe. But then you'd be dealing with very large bugs. (shiver)

I'm up in the loft-- as I am every morning. It's really a pretty sight. I look out the windows over my woodsy neighborhood and see the pines, still and perfect. The sky is light blue and pink. The snow has footprints of the family of deer that roam. Yesterday, I had one of those moments where I thought to myself, "I'm happy." Do you ever have those? I've had a few in my life--probably more than a few. When I lived in Cincinnati, I was working at Joseph-Beth Booksellers and I stood in the store and had a "happy" moment occurred and just drank it in. "I''m living with one of my best friends, I'm working in a bookstore like I've always wanted to do, I'm meeting cool people and I'm doing it alone." (Course, my best friend was a newlywed and I was still struggling financially and emotionally with many things--she may not have had such "happy" moments during this time--but she hid it well.) The fact was that that time in Cincinnati was a push off point for me. I really love that city. If you ever get to go, go. It's surprisingly beautiful and unique.) I get off on travels not linked to my family. I see it as growth. "All the people I'm surrounded by right now, I met myself--I traveled to meet them--they are proof of my adventuresome spirit." As I look out over the frozen pines, I feel the same way. But this time, I ventured out with Jason. I'm thrilled that I married someone who also has an adventuresome spirit.

But, I still need to venture out of the house today. Travels of the past won't make up for the onset of crazy lazy ways.

Too cute--Z just found her baby and just SQUEALED with delight. Love it.

Go out and do something adventuresome today--even it means cooking something you've never cooked. Or make plans for a day trip! New perspective is awesome.

Thaw

I can hear the drip, drip, dripping of our melting icicles. Spring is not close enough. I can appreciate the Winter and its beauty, but the newness of Spring and the jolt of energy it seems to carry with it is much anticipated.

Yes, I can live in the moment--but the idea of "new" is always enticing to me.

Snowbound Therapy

It's snowing. The air is cold, but I opened the windows in the loft anyway. It's so clean smelling. I love it. I'm suppose to drive to Cleveland today, but I'm not so sure. The snow will fall all day and the route look kind of rough. Ugh. It's better to be safe. Plus, I hate being cold. That would be my luck...stuck and cold. I've often thought about the fact that since I don't breast feed anymore, Z would eventually run out of food. I watched an episode of I Shouldn't Be Alive and a woman kept her child alive for 9 days breastfeeding. --As I look at it outside...I think the best decision would be to hold off on my trip until tomorrow. No need to invite trouble. The weatherman says 6 inches...but we are at that now and we have a lot of snow to go. It's kind of fun to be sitting in the warmth watching it fall. However, my trees are beginning to look weighted down. I may have to go shake them.

On another topic, my mom called me the other day to share with me that she'd found a diary her mom kept in 1975. I've always heard about my mother's disappointment and hurt feelings over the fact that her mother didn't come see me for 8 weeks after I was born. She's carried this with her for 35 years. In the diary she found, her mother writes about how she was dealing with her own mother (a VERY difficult and cruel woman) in the hospital during that time and shared her worry about when she would come see me. This was a revelation for my mom who says that she feels so much better about the whole situation. I'm happy. However, I wonder why she didn't just ask her mother why she wasn't coming. This is a lesson. I, too, have old wounds that haven't healed from my parents. I've chosen to try to let them go instead of getting them resolved. I think it's hard to ask the questions when you are afraid of the answers. Human relationships are so complicated. As a mom, I'm going to learn from it. I'm going to do my best to tell Z how I'm feeling so she doesn't have to guess. There are going to be so many hurt feelings in the future, I'm sure. But, if there's anyway I can keep her from guessing how I'm feeling, I'm going to try.

Becoming New

On the days where I feel a little far from my center--meaning, the day is gloomy and I don't feel like myself, I try to close my eyes and remember certain days in my life when I felt --for lack of a better phrase--more alive. I think we all do this. I do it when I feel particularly boring or when my day drags along. I transport myself to a time when life was crisp, as if it was literally created just left of my gaze and I saw and felt it all at its brightest. Yes, that's dramatic. It's how I felt. When I want to feel more free--I think of my trip with my friend Lisa to San Francisco. I remember seeing the Golden Gate bridge...and it took my breath away. We were alone, together. Both of us on a journey and it just felt like we were the only people I cared about existing. Lisa was actually there during another moment in time that I like to return to. I met her in London when she was there during a surreal time in both of our lives. I think about that week a lot. I went to Liverpool and walked around the same places Paul and John had and it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever felt. I was so depressed when the day was done, I was almost inconsolable. Part of me knew that THAT was the happiest I'd ever be...and it was over.
But then Zoë was born. I think of that day all of the time. I just did...which spurred this post. I think of how strong I felt. I was so much stronger than I ever though I could be. It was magical. Jason and I say that all of the time. She was born and we were forever changed. It wows me.

I do miss simpler times. I miss the feeling of only new things on the horizon instead of a lot of memories to wrestle with. I miss the promise of what things COULD be. At times, now, even at 35, I feel as if I know what my life will be. That's so not right. I don't know. And, I think that that feeling is what prompts women to become more interesting later in life. Women have that ability to just become more wise and cool as time moves on. (At least the women that I think about in order to know it's possible.)

Life can be new any time we want it. We just have to see it that way. When you're in your comfy clothes and your body isn't as firm as it once was and your child doesn't seem to hear you OR see you and you realize that you felt good about yourself that day because your house got clean--you forget that. You forget that you can still be interesting and new.

There's no time like the present.

We decided on this lazy Saturday to check out the local libraries. Penfield has a large library, but no story time for Z. Pittsford's library was very cool and it has story time every Monday! YAY! Somewhere to go! I'm finding that until the girl is 2, the options are limited to what she can do around here. Well, it leaves a lot to look forward to.

It's been fun to hear from friends as they get their NY cards. It's a great way to reach out and let people know you are thinking about them. It's hard to get the damn things together! J and I battled for over an hour...but the result was great. I should be happy that he cares that much!

I've just learned the news about the shootings in Tucson. I've been away from the news all day. Unreal. You never know...

I say take the time and reach out to those you've been thinking about that you're not in touch with! Do it now...because you never know. If you're thinking of them, it's for a reason. It's the universe urging you to make contact. Sometimes, the idea of a long conversation is daunting. It doesn't have to be. Email, write, send them a card. Hell, text. Any way to get it done.

And, if you've been wondering about it, consider this post a sign.

On a cold Thursday where I write about nothing.

Well, The People's Choice awards was probably the worst show I've seen in a while. Just awful. The Globes are coming up soon. They are BS as well, but more fun to watch. The fact that Johnny and Angelina were nominated for something just proves it's a joke. I love Johnny...but he didn't do anything award worthy in The Tourist. Angelina just looked hungry and had few lines. It was laughable. Dustin is coming for the Oscars. He just set the date this week. I'm thrilled. We won't have a guest before then...it will be time. The walls start to close in on me in the winter. Guests break it up.

I got out my cards for the most part. I asked for a few addresses on Facebook. It's my attempt to reach out to a couple friends who don't reach out to me. I probably need to let the friendships go, but I have such a hard time doing that. If someone was important to me at any time, I always try to cling onto them forever. I need to realize that some friendships have seasons. We were friends in a time when it was easy to do so and when we needed something from the other. I hate that though. I don't have many seasonal friends. I have a lot of friends in which we talk more about their lives than mine, but I think that happens a lot. Some people never even think to ask you about your day...they go on so much about their own. But, that's neither here nor there...I still try to keep in touch with them.

Z went down for a nap about an hour ago and I'm desperately trying to fill my time with productive things instead of just slumbering right alongside with her.

But, I think I'll do it anyhow.

Neat

Today, I cleaned and organized...after watching OWN's Enough Already...about clutter. It actually created anxiety. I really need to stop watching it.

Tonight..the People's Choice. Yes, a bullshit award show, but an award show nonetheless! But...not a REAL big one on the radar since E! didn't have a red carpet. THIS is how I rate them...and what thoughts are on my mind as I write this. Sad.

I want to be shiny, but I'm afraid of shiny things

I'm having a hard time relating to other moms. I feel that I'm a person who is also a mom, but I view other mothers as another breed of being for some reason. There's a club that I'm not invited to. They are all put together and I'm not. They are all teachers and not film students. This is my strange brain dealing with it. I want to be sunshiny. However, when confronted with other sunshiny people, I become dark and introverted. I can't meet friends being a mom. I'll meet friends in the book group...and MAYBE one of them will be a mom.

Why am I so fucked up about this? Who cares! Did Lisa Bonet go to mommy group outings? (I think of her...she seems cool to me.) Not that it isn't cool. I guess I feel that it's going to be mommies talking about being mommies. I want to talk as people and if our kids come up, great. Starting out a conversation dealing with babies because THAT is why we are there together seems forced and fake.

I'm just a freak.

2011 will be a better year.

Tonight we welcome 2011. A new year. I love the opportunity to reflect and look ahead. I have so many things I'd like to see come to fruition in the new year. Most have to do with my inner self. I'm constantly trying to find ways to become a better me. One of the things I could do is to stop looking backwards and regretting things I can't change and focus on how I want to live the rest of my life. How do I want to affect those who come into contact with me? We all have those friends in our lives who energize us and make us feel happier to be around them. I want to be one of those people. I feel that I've used up my years of being judgmental and sarcastic. It's time to be more positive and motivating. Smile more. Laugh more. See the bright side. Life is so full of things that drag us down--it's not easy to trudge through when we encounter horrible losses. It's hard to understand why bad things happen. It's hard to wonder if we could have done something more in certain situations. However, you CAN do something. Learn. Try again. Move through it. I've seen a lot of sadness this year in my life and in the lives of others. It is hard to comfort those who are so bereft. Some don't want to feel better it seems. (This used to be me.) Feeling better and trying to move on doesn't make what you went through any lesser of an experience. It doesn't come across to others that you didn't care. It's survival. It's being better for yourself and for those around you. It is true that you can become stronger after great loss.

2011 is a year for being stronger and better and happier than you've been before. You can break the mold you've created for yourself. You can change how you feel about anything! You can become brighter and you can learn as many new things as you can fit into each day. I want to feel differently about things. I want to be more cheerful. I want to lose some of the armor I wear each day in order to not get hurt--and just be present. I want to be better. I want Z to see me as a positive force in her life.

It sounds like I got high before I wrote this...but I swear, it's just me...wanting to change.

Some Vaca Pics

The New Year

2011 is looking to be a happy one. 2010 was very happy...so why not keep it going?! This morning, Jason and I mapped out our individual and joint goals for the year. It's a way of beginning again on some things we came up short with last year. I love that feeling of being renewed in a way. I know it's a day like every other day, but the fact that I can make it feel like something more seems to affect its power. I love new beginnings...hence my addiction to relocating. I think I'm finally settled where I am. Now, to get my fix, I map out my year. How do I want to be better? How would I like to feel better this year? What can I do to be a more authentic? Yes, I've been reading in my O magazine...

Here are some of the goals I have thus far:
1. Read more
2. Create photo albums (because having all of our pics on the computer isn't user friendly)
3. Start Z's scrapbook.
4. Shop by a list (this will be the hardest)
5. hit the gym 3x a week.
6. Clear out old paper work.
7. Be more positive, overall.
8. Plan family outings
9. Write a letter a week--an art that is slipping away...and my fam and friends will enjoy it!
10. Write daily--blog or journal.

Yes, of course I want to eat better and get more sleep, but that's a given. I'm energized by this list! I love the idea of restarting. I'm going to print my list and put it on the fridge to keep me honest.

And we're back!

Back from the sun...though not hot, it was warmer than Rochester. Our house was chilly...but clean and nice to come back to. When we arrived at ROC, our car was dead. We were exhausted, it was freezing and Z was sleeping. We opted to just take a cab home and return to the issue in the morning. Good choice. Sleeping in our bed was great. I got these great $20 flannel sheets at Target and it really warmed up our sleep!! They are really pretty, too. I love Target...and Target stock loves me.

Today is a day for napping and slowly putting our things away. We still have many icicles but no leaks. I'm not ready for the holiday to be over. Being away from home during the holiday was nice, but spending Christmas day on the beach was surreal. It just didn't feel quite right. The Vidmars were engrossed in Mad Men and so we watched that daily as they are trying to catch up to the current season. I own the seasons, so I'd seen each episode 3 times already. However, listening to them discuss Don Draper's actions was amusing. We also played poker almost every day. I'm getting better...but now will have a drought for months probably. Jason isn't into card games.

I'll post some pics of Z at Disney World soon. That was a great time. She was only there for 5 hours. The grandparents came to get her and 5 of us stayed out late. We spent the evening in Epcot going from country to country drinking and eating...and shopping. So much fun! At 9 some were pooped--we'd been at it since 8am. J and I were ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and see the fireworks, so we went alone. Wow...just beautiful!! It really does make you feel like a kid to be there. It was so nicely done. Just a great way to spend the day.

Z and J are now taking naps and the dishwasher is running in the background...all is good.

Leaving on a jet plane...

with a one year old child...should be fun.

We're headed to Orlando tomorrow for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it in a way. When I get there, I'll be happy. Getting there is the key. Getting my husband to unplug and relax is going to be a chore. He's so stressed out that he broke out in hives this evening. His age is catching up with him. His body is pissed about how it's been treated and it's showing him. J isn't a good sleeper. He works all the time. His mind will not shut off. It's actually pretty horrible. He's a perfectionist...but he's also a procrastinator. Those two make for some horrible sleeping hours.

I doubt I'll be able to blog from FL. I'll post pics when I return of Z's encounter with Disney characters. She will have no idea who they are, but the Magic Kingdom should be done up for the holidays so it will be pretty to be there. I want to see Black Swan. That's what I want for Christmas!! Someone stay with my child so I can see a freaking movie!

Last night, I had a dream about James Franco. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this...because it was THAT kind of dream. I woke up with a huge crush. May need to see his movie too.

Let's hope I dream of him tonight as well! :)

Happy Holidays to anyone coming across this post. Make a list of what you are thankful for and put it on the fridge...I think you'll realize there's more than you think.

Slacker

It's Tuesday. It's snowing out...we probably have 7 inches and are expecting about 5 more. I have a book club tonight and I'm at the computer trying to cram for it. We're discussing A Light In August tonight and I didn't read it. I didn't even buy it. I found it online and was looking through it and now it's gone--the online book is missing. So, I'm reading all the notes I can find so that I can come of somewhat intelligent. I will tell them that I didn't read it, but that I really needed an outing. It meets downtown at a little place that serves chocolate and wine. So far there are 18 going. 4 dropped out due to the snow. We're also having a book exchange of books we don't want anymore. I just got done wrapping mine. It's "Secret Lives of Men and Women." I'd ordered it and then realized it was kind of a crap book. So, it can collect dust somewhere else.

Z seems to be giving up one of her naps during the day. This sucks. The morning nap allows me to shower and get ready for the day. The afternoon nap allows me to either clean house or nap myself! (Or to research a book I haven't read) Please let this just be a phase. She's teething badly and has been all out of sorts.

I'm DREADING the flight to Orlando on Saturday. I can't wait to get there...but holding Z on my lap seems to be a crazy move. She wants to walk. She won't want to sit for over 2 hours. I feel a lot of "looks" and glances coming our way. I've always been very nice to other mothers on planes with children who scream--please let this be my pay it forward moment.

I'm really hoping there is at least one interesting person tonight. Could I have a future friend? I feel like I'm speed friending. I want to sit down with each person for a few minutes and decide whether I want to pursue a friendship with them or not. I have wonderful friends...but none of them live here. I miss having someone to go to eat or to movies with--other than J, of course. Please don't let this be a singles meet up group.

An update to come...

Inside. (A schizo post)

I've been watching Inside Actor's Studio for years. Last night, I watched James Franco. And it happened again. This thing that always happens. When I watch it, I have some sort of magical experience...like the universe is talking to me. I know this sounds crazy. But, I feel very connected to the actor on stage...like I have an inner voice that's trying to get out. I've always felt that I had some type of art inside of me. I've wrestled with the idea of a book. I've thought about scripts. I feel that I should have pursued being a film producer. I just told Jason a few weeks ago that I feel I would be a great film producer. I feel I could write some type of script that may not be Oscar worthy, but I feel that I would be proud of it. It's in here...somewhere. I feel it. (Is this really strange and conceited?) It's more like there is something inside me that I know needs to get out. By the end of IAS, I always put myself on stage and answer James Lipton's questions. So, last night I thought..."what a great idea! I'll just write how I want the interview to go--like a creative writing exercise...and maybe I'll find some type of inspiration or maybe the idea will come out naturally."

This is jr. highish, I realize it. It's almost like I'm going to write my epitaph and then see if I can live my life in accordance to it. I'll be living backwards.

So, anyway, I'm headed to Orlando at the end of the week and I'm going to make this my assignment. When I'm done, I'll post it.

If you haven't watched Inside The Actor's Studio on BRAVO...you should really try to take in an episode or two. They really are inspiring. Streisand's is my favorite. Netflix has some you can get. Hulu has clips of episodes.

Out of it.

My dad was here for 5 days, so I've been neglectful here. It was a great visit. We have a long history of me being a total nervous wreck when he's around, but this time was different. He was open and complimentary and very easy to be around. I do enjoy that some things get better with age. My relationships are one. I still have some to work on, but this one took a long time to get to this point.

Z turned 1 last Sunday. I can't believe it. She can now be forward facing in the car. Unreal. She's getting away from the bottle. She drinks from a sippy cup! She drinks whole milk instead of formula. She shows frustration a lot more. She also shows joy in a great number of new ways. She can say mamamamama and dadadada. I'm not sure she understands what she's saying, but I'll take it.

I've been a little off the radar for a bit. My friends are starting to contact me to see if I'm still around. I need to send out Thank You notes that are WAYYY past due today. Looks like I need to check back into Valerie for a bit and Mommy needs to take a break.

The snow is here for good. The icicles are ripping through our home and we have had 2 major leaks already. Ugh. We get a break today but tomorrow bring another big storm. Today everything is melting and slushy and dreary. I need to shower and start my day feeling human.

It's Friday. I look tired and feel awful. Happy Weekend!!

On the evenings before Jason leaves for a trip he stays up...late. He's manic and can't sleep. Thus, I don't sleep either. He comes down late, wakes me up and then proceeds to crash. I am left awake. He then has his alarm set to a time that he KNOWS he won't get out of bed and I'm left to jab him, "turn off the alarm. Get up." He snoozes the alarm and goes back to sleep. This happens every 8 minutes for a while. "You told me to wake you up. You have a flight, get up." He finally rolls out of bed and then frantically gets ready and rushes around the house (since now he's late) and I lay in bed listening to all of it.

Least to say, I'm tired today. I have much to do. Z and I will drive to Cleveland tomorrow to meet J. He's there for business and is staying over to wait for us. My dad is coming to Rochester on Monday. The house needs some help. The laundry needs doing. The yard is a disaster. I'm going to do my best today to get as many chores done as I can. All I want to do is nap. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look awful. I'm starting to get permanent dark circles under my eyes. It's not a pretty sight.

The snow will be here all of next week. It's official: it's cold out. Damn. I love the fluffy, beautiful white covering...but I hate the cold.

Let's end on a positive note. I worked out 3x this week at the gym. (but haven't stopped desserts) If I could just stop snacking...

Yes, I'm going to bitch about my mother in law.

Zoë turns 1 on Sunday. We are going to Cleveland this weekend so that her grandma can celebrate it with her. I don't want to go. I want to be selfish and have the party here. Of course, that means that only J and I would be in attendance, but that's how it was when she was born...and she won't remember this anyway. Because it is her first birthday, I'm feeling territorial. I want it to be MY cupcake she eats, not something made by someone else. We already gave her the cake and icing that I had when I was one last weekend. However, I think it's just the way it's being handled by her grandma. She demands things. She doesn't ask. She is going to have it HER way. It makes me want to say, "this is my daughter, we are celebrating at home, you're not invited." Ok, that's mean. I want Z to have a great relationship with her grandparents. It's just this particular grandparent doesn't ASK anything. She makes plans without consulting us. She counts the hours we spend at each house--(J has divorced parents and we have to split time.) She questions my mothering skills. She CONSTANTLY makes comments about Z's bedtime. "6:30 is too early! I don't know any baby that goes to bed that early!" (This makes me want to scream.) This discussion has gone on for weeks. It WAS 7:30, but then daylight savings moved the time back...so it's an hour earlier. The time changed...she didn't. I'm so not looking forward to this trip. I have daydreams about screaming, "ENOUGH!!! She is MY daughter...I make the decisions and we're going home!" This won't happen. Jason is totally the other direction. He's Mr. Peace Maker. He doesn't confront anyone. He doesn't stir the pot. He ignores her comments. He doesn't shut down conversations because he says it just makes things worse. He's had his entire life to "master" the dealings with his mother. I've had a couple of years and I'm ALL ABOUT confrontation!

Give me strength to get through this. Make it snow so we don't have to go.

I need a Delorean.

While cleaning out the garage, Jason found lots of memorabilia from his teenage years. In this pile were videos of his 9th grade English assignment of a scene from Great Expectations. It's adorable. He plays Pip. Attached to this clip was a little family video he filmed from around that time. They are all in the kitchen and he's talking behind the camera. I love it. I've often wondered what we'd think of each other had we'd met earlier. Jason says that we would never have worked back then. He was too to the "right" and I was too to the "left." It's true. He was VERY conservative back then. Our liberal minds didn't match up until 2005. I'm surprised how much he's changed compared to his high school and college years. I've matured, but my views on most everything have stayed the same. In the video, he was so much younger, yes, but he was also lighter. Life weighs you down as it hands you a job, a hefty mortgage, marriage and parenting. He's very concerned about keeping things going. He's a perfectionist to a fault. He stays up late nights working and worrying. He's the peace keeper in his family. He wants everything to be okay all of the time. I would love to have met him at 15. He was a book worm, I was more about friends and having fun. I think I could have added a little something to his life back then. Maybe helped him take things a bit less seriously. And, maybe he could have made me understood the importance of focusing a bit more on school work. I think our friendship could really have helped both of us. He's carried the weight of the world from a young age. His childhood is a blur to him...and before the age of 12, it just doesn't exist in his memory. I want to see what happened before then.

It all worked out in the end, but I constantly think of going back in time. I'd like to see my parents as young children. I'd love to understand where certain parts of their personalities come from. I'd love to go back in my own life...to see how I was at 5. It's very Emily Webbish (Our Town) to have this desire, but I think about it a lot. I feel like Mad Men is a cool way to learn about how life was in the 1960s. Although it's scripted, just seeing the fashions and the reactions to historic events is interesting.

I want to go back and talk to my mom when she was 18. I want to know what her thoughts were about her life. What did she want back then?

Don't you think that would be fascinating?