Father knows best

I'm writing without having my house cleaned. I think I'm growing. Each night, I try to pick it up so it looks like new again before another day wrecks it. Normal people would look past it all and enjoy their lives. I've developed OCD, I'm convinced. Jason's birthday was yesterday and I focused so much on the meal being perfect that I was yelling at him to eat. I find myself a bit snippy at him lately. I think I'm just frustrated. My environment isn't in order and there are many things to do before we go on our 9 day New England trip. My mom is here...that's been nice. We run the errands together and find silly things to laugh about. Some of our giggles remind me of being little girls--not that I ever knew my mom as such. She'll be here all month.

While we were in KS, Z ran a temperature for about 5 days. On the 5th day, it spiked to 103.8, so we took her to the doctor. They couldn't find anything wrong with her. Today, the 3rd lab test revealed that she had a very rare bacteria. They didn't know what it was or what to do about it. ??? Uh...ok. They referred me to my pediatrician. It's called Stenotrophomonas Maltophilia. Does anyone know what this is? I Googled it and I couldn't even comprehend was I read. I'll call our doctor tomorrow. It doesn't sound good. The information I did find was pretty yucky. hmmm...more to come on that.

I think my "bi-polar" issues in college are reappearing in this OCD thing. I'm really focusing on strange things. I obsess about things I can't change. I feel as if it all has to look right--everything neat and tidy and clean. As soon as Z leaves one play area, I have to pick it all up and put it away even though she might be back there in an hour or two. I'll get over this, right? This is just a new mom thing? I can't keep up with it all. I'm exhausted. I have to cook meals, clean, be a happy-perfect mommy, clean, feed, play, decorate, look cute, do my hair, clean--etc EACH day. That's fucked up, right?

I keep reflecting on my trip. It was good. I spent it mostly with my father and step-mom. I don't usually do that. I usually split time between the families. I'm really the only one that does this out of my family. Wendy doesn't worry about it and Mandi and Eric aren't close to their dad. I'm the one overly concerned about EVERYONE'S feeling and making sure I spend time appropriately. It sucks. Let's be real. Yes, I'm very happy I have a good relationship with both parents, but it's exhausting. Plus, if your siblings don't view things the same way, they just don't get it. My father said probably the nicest things he's ever said to me during this trip. (I barely spoke to him in my 20s and made myself mentally ill over trying to be the person he wanted me to be.) Well, my years of mental illness paid off!! He seems to really like me now. I just had to marry the "perfect man", move to a beautiful state, have a nice house, have a happy baby, look slender and have my hair straightened. Seems to have worked. Oh, I also have to master small talk and never get too deep into conversations about feelings. This how I see it. It's probably not like it at all. I'm sure I invented a lot of it. He probably liked me all along. Right?

I'm back

And I'm too tired to even write this with any great detail or depth at the moment. I will say some pics are coming and more in depth analysis is on the way. Currently, I need a nap. Jason is in the other room with Zo'. She learned to sit up while we were gone. Wow! A whole new child! It's fun to see her grow...and really start figuring things out. She also grew a neck while we were traveling. Before, her head just sat on her shoulders and grew nasty milk bi-products. She has such a nice stature and no head tilt. The trip was positive. I have much to discuss. I have much to think about. I have much to smile about and remember. It was like I was in a Twilight Zone episode--things went well???? WTF??

More to come---

Today is the day!!

We leave in an hour. Not sure when I'll be able to blog next. I'm hoping the flight goes okay with Z. I'm a nervous flyer...very nervous. I found two Valium from a bit ago and felt like I'd won the lottery. I think that's too strong to be with it, so I can't go that route. Z's been whiny this morning. Not sure what that's about. She's been very tired lately. She must be growing...and wondering what's wrong with her mom. I was thinking this morning as I was doing my hair...that the stories I wrote in college (I was a creative writing major) have the same characters in them that I'm about to see. My teacher, after reading the first story, said if the characters were real that he wanted me to stick with them and spend the entire 2 years in his class. So, I did. I have 4 stories of my crazy family. I found some humor in that fact. Maybe I should write another short story when I get home.

Z isn't giving up, I need to reassure her about her life and how things are going to be fine and how much I love her. (Or, she'll do that for me)

Later----

As I was frantically cleaning so J comes home to a clean house, I was thinking..."Cleanliness next to Godliness"---no. It's next to Craziness. I clean to stay calm. My years past of being a slob (which people constantly remind me of) makes me feel as if I have a clean house, then I'm fine. That's fucked up, right? TOO clean of house makes you look like you have no life and that you have control issues. I do have control issues. Clean it, make it clean...then you have purpose, people won't judge you, people won't find you a mess...people will see that you've changed. The truth is...it just reminds me that I'm still a bit off. (But aren't the best and most interesting people a bit off???)

We leave tomorrow.

Last night I could barely sleep and today I was up before Z and J. I showered and started packing. I have Z all packed and I'm pretty much done with my own bag aside from all the shit I need in the morning. I made some calls and nailed down my visits and am starting to be able to breathe again. This whole thing is ridiculous. I'm referring to my over reaction to this trip. I'm anticipating hurt feelings and awkwardness. That's sad. I'm going home...a place that should be a safe zone. Instead, I feel as if I'm headed into war. If it wasn't $140/hr to talk to Joan, I'd call her. I should be excited to introduce Z to my good friends and see family! I need to chill out. This is so damn boring to read.

To add to the stress, my perfect child has become Miss WHINY!!! I understand her teeth are hurting her, but geesh. She's been adorable and great. Now, when we're about to show her off, she's a little demon. She's cute, but a little annoying to me right now. She's very vocal. Could she be sensing my neurosis? Great...it's like a virus.

Jason hasn't started packing. He won't until tomorrow morning. If the guy were headed out on a month long trip overseas, he'd still wait until an hour before we have to leave. I used to find it kind of wild, but now I find it nuts. He's missed an international flight before...this is the kind of guy he is. I should learn to accept it and just start putting things out that he needs to pack as some sort of guide. A lot of women pack their husbands. No way. This man has to pick out his own clothes and make sure he has ALL of his hair/skin products that he needs. He's a bit metrosexual, but he's hot, so I'll deal.

I've started my journey out into blog world. I've been in it for years, but haven't really gone digging before. I'm kind of excited to be inspired by others--either that or I'll just keep finding more and more women who are just that much cooler than me. (probably)

Need a facelift

I'm trying to revamp this blog. It's boring. The layout is blah. I changed the colors, but I still don't like it. Where do people find their cool templates??? Please advise.

"Effing" get over yourself.

I've been reading other blogs. I normally steer clear because I find they could intimidate my writing my own. That's stupid. Kortney told me that there are some I'd like, so I went to look. I realized that people cuss in their blogs. Why don't I? I cuss all of the time. I'm trying to calm it down because of Z but that's how I talk. I say fuck a lot. I say shit, but mostly fuck. I don't blog how I talk. It's not my true voice. I need to grow a little here. Let's get real. I also don't blog my true thoughts about things a lot of the time for fear of hurting feelings. Who fucking cares? It's not like anyone outside of 3 other people really knows who I am--or knows who I'm talking about. I'm too safe. I'm tired, it restricts me. Blogging is supposed to be about freedom. At least it was to be that for me. It's not suppose to be another place where I try to make everyone happy. You need to save that game face for family gatherings! God...my family. Sigh. I love them but I feel like an alien a lot of the time. I look a lot with squinted eyes and a cocked head thinking, "really??!!!"

I'm tired and need to sleep. I'm up because I'm having anxiety about my trip home. This is bullshit! God, I need to get over this. I'm 35. I'm a mom now. I'm suppose to have super fucking powers now.

t minus 2 days...

Ok, I'm a little calmer, but not much. I called Becky and vented a bit about all I have to do and she assured me it will be ok. She also said, "if things start to go crazy, call me and I'll come scoop you up and bring you to my house." That's a nice back up plan. It's always good to have one of those. I'm sure it won't result in that...but a good friend makes sure you know that there is always an out.

Today I went to the bank to cancel my card and get a new one. FRAUD ALERT. Yep, we've been hacked and some gamer is using my card to buy their shit. Annoying. I miss Atari games. Just a side note there.

Speaking of technology, I hate that Zoë won't have the things I grew up with. Atari was so cool, now it looks ridiculous. We own a record player, so she'll at least know what one is. She won't know or understand a Walkman. She'll want an ipodish something...and I'm sure mine will look ancient by the time she wants one. She won't understand video tapes or cassette tapes. She won't get to record the top 10 with the intros. She won't send as many letters--though I'm determined that she get a pen pal--not an email pal. Will she be creative with her time? Will she have any patience? I know I struggle with this. I can't keep her from the outside world or keep her from experiencing the new waves of technology, but I worry about her brain cells being matured by having to figure stuff out for herself.

In St. John, growing up was all about imagination. We had to figure out how to spend our time. We didn't have a mall or a movie theatre. We played outside and rode our bikes everywhere. I love those times. Rochester isn't going to have that freedom. I hate that for her. St. John is small and there's "nothing to do there" but it's a great place to grow up because you have to use as much imagination as you can to FIND the fun. Plus, it's safe. You can be out until the whistle blows and come home without worry. You can ride your bike everywhere and not worry about being taken. You can go get an ice cream cone on a summer night. You can swim and watch baseball...or go play on the swings at any age. You can spend your nights talking with your friends...walking around and really bond. In big cities, I think this can get lost with the phones, texting and such.

But, then...I'm talking about the 90s and before. Who knows what it's like now. I'll report back.

T minus 3 days.

I'm headed to Kansas on Thursday. Z and I will be there for 2 weeks after J leaves us on Sunday. I would like to say I'm looking forward to the visit, but I'm anxiety ridden and grumpy today. Last time I came back from there I was horribly depressed for 2 weeks and Jason wasn't happy. I know he's already dreading it. "Maybe we can change the flight and you can just come back early." I think it's sweet that he worries. Maybe this time will be different. Z is a joy to be around--how could people get cranky when she's around? How could they bring up things that aren't good to talk about...or keep commenting on how they didn't think I'd be a good mom when I was in my 20s. Uhhh...I WASN'T a mom in my twenties!! Such a strange thing to say. Or how about telling me what a disappointment I was to my grandparents whom I adored. Or yelling at me when I'm trying to help--cursing at me and making me feel as if I'm totally not welcome. St. John is a town full of good memories. I loved high school, I loved my friends, I loved falling in love there. It's a place that could be a magical place to visit...but it isn't. It's full of stress. Things have changed. My house has changed. My town is smaller, the businesses are gone, the kids are cruel and annoying. I'm going to go on lots of walks, I can tell. I'll remember old times and tell them to Z. I'll wish my friends were home--all of them in the homes they had in the early 90s. I'll wish that I'd been more mature...that I would have stood up for myself more, that I didn't turn back into an awkward teen at the first sound of annoyance in my direction. I'll leave thinking I won't be back for some time.

Or--it'll be swell. Everyone will be loving and happy to see us. The conversations will be uplifting and hopeful. I'll love it. Z will feel at ease and happy. I'll be so happy I went. Everyone will have gotten over their past baggage and rudeness and it'll be almost movie-like. I'll hear background music everywhere I go.

It's starting to keep me up at night...

I've been looking around online to see if there is a book that resembles the one I want to write. Nothing so far. That's cool. I'm getting more and more excited. I'm just thinking about it a lot now...nothing on paper. I'm going to try my best to write some notes down tonight or tomorrow. It will take some research and some open minded women to help complete it. There are a few women I know will do a great job with my interviews. Some are more open than others. I'm not thinking even some of my closest friends will feel they can open up that much. I want to make a compilation of the insights of women. It is very in depth and complicated--but I'm excited for the journey. Maybe I'll put an email together and send it out to some ladies to get their thoughts.

I'd go into more detail, but I don't want to put the entire idea out in the universe...who knows who might beat me to the punch! I'm thinking that this project will take years to complete, but I'm passionate about it and feel that if it's done right...it might be something great for me to put out into the world--and to leave for my daughter.

1096 days later...

Today is J and my 3 year anniversary. It seems longer, but not in a bad way. I feel that I've known him all my life. He certainly seems to know me that well. I guess I've known him since 2002. That's 8 years. We had our own lives for a long time. Our "story" is one that is either received with a raised eyebrow or with total acceptance. His roommate, which is how I met him, was my boyfriend for 3 years. T is a nice person, it makes sense that his roommate would be a good person as well. 3 years. (I usually get, "WOW, 3 years! That's quite a long time.!") It was a growing time for me unfortunately. T didn't get the "balanced" Valerie, but he loved me through my ups and downs and there is much to say for that. I believe we meet people during time in our lives that are there to help us through. I fear it was one sided, but hopefully he has some fond memories to look back on.

Jason was the roommate that was always in and out. He kept odd hours and didn't sleep much. He was very kind and a bit awkward but we seemed to have music and movies in common which helped with small talk. For years, we were just acquaintances really. I'd say friends, but that really didn't happen until later on.

After T and I ended--a very long, painful and drawn out process--ugh...Jason and I became roommates. (there is a long story that should be inserted here as to how and why I needed a roommate and how it became him, but I'm trying to make this brief.) I needed a place to stay and he was not really using his place. We both talked it over with T first, who was fine with it. (of course, I don't think he thought we'd get married eventually.) When I moved in, Jason was suppose to be in Alabama for long periods of time. (I'd been getting his mail for him when I spotted the extra room that looked perfect for me.) However, his project ended and he was suddenly around. He was single, I was single--but the T factor was an issue for a while. After weeks of becoming closer friends...talking, laughing and realizing how much we had in common...the spark ignited. We sparked for about 7 months before the L word came into the mix. After that...the rest is history.

We got married on a ship without our families or friends. We seem to always create just enough space for the two of us to grow. We love having people come see us and to spend time with others, but for some reason, we're always out in the world roughing it alone. Now, Z is here...and our world seems complete. I'd say our friendship is the key to everything. Romance can be hard when people are working, tired, dealing with internal issues and just trying to keep up. But, we laugh every day and we love the little world we've created. Marriage is hard. It's just work. Sometimes, it's more work than I thought it would be, but as I talk to people...everyone says that's exactly how it is. At the end of the day, we love each other. He is my partner in this universe and we have this perfect little being that we are raising. Life is good.

Happy Anniversary Honey. Our grandparents, who were married 61 years, each had that 3rd year. There are so many experiences to be had. We are both forever changing and growing...it's cool to see and experience it all. Thank you for trying to make me laugh as much as possible.

Nothing important

We went to Cleveland for the long weekend. And, it was long... Z is teething and wasn't her normally charming self. We are spoiled. My child has been an angel for so long that her cries and frustrations with breaking teeth are met with shock and fatigue. It hasn't been really bad, but it's been more challenging than I'm used to. She's getting her two bottom front teeth. 2 at a time? Gosh. I'm glad I'm no long breast feeding. I see how she bites the bottle and it makes me cringe.

The bags need unpacked, laundry done and things need to get back to normal. I did realize that I'm ready for our vacation. We slept at a hotel last night and it was kind of fun. A break in the cycle. Z had her own bed and crashed pretty well. Getting up and heading down for breakfast that was already made was heavenly. Not having to worry about cleaning up the room, ahhh. Today, I'm tired. Grandma's bed wasn't very comfy and J and I kept waking up at 5am just to chat--that's nice....but makes for very long days. Tonight, I plan on heading to bed after Z and trying to enjoy my big, soft bed.

"I'm still cool, right? Shit, what if I'm not...was I ever???"

I just got back in from mowing the yard. I love doing it. I think it reminds me of childhood. The sound of the motor, the smell of grass and feeling accomplished when you are done. I used to mow my grandpa's yard. He had a riding mower. I wasn't good at it, I was lazy when I did it, but he let me do it every week anyway. He paid me for it. In fact, mowing his yard my senior year allowed me to go on the senior ski trip. He loved to find reasons to give to me. He used to sit out on the patio and watch. When I was done, we'd throw all of the clippings in grass trailer and take them to the dump. Grandma would go along when we did this. I'd jump in the back with a pitchfork and throw them into the hole in the ground. It's amazing how this memory, boring to most, is something I treasure. Jason occasionally shoots video of me mowing or weed whacking--I think he thinks I'm a rare breed. He says it's the Kansas in me. I think it's just me trying to hold on to any kind of memory trigger I can. Also, it's one of the ways I can exercise. I'm trying to get back some resemblance of my former body. It will never be the way it was, I'm ok with that. AS long as I can fit comfortably into my clothes, I'm fine.

Mowing also makes me feel more...manly. That's silly. With all of this baby time and cleaning, I'm starting to feel as if I'm disappearing. The purple hair was part of my reappearing act. I wanted to pierce my nose, but then I read some in my Maya Angelou book and it convinced me otherwise. Damn it Maya! My fingernails are blue, my toenails are purple. What am I trying to prove? "I'm not boring. I'm not a boring mommy...housekeeper...cook...whatever." I'm still cool!!!! Well, I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I'm driving Jason crazy with my obsessive cleaning. I'm driving myself nuts, too. It's a delicate balance I think. I'm trying very hard to keep complete control over my surroundings thinking it will medicate me. Not that I'm depressed, I don't feel depressed. I'm just worried about becoming that way. My depression is like I'm an alcoholic. It's always there...it's just whether I participate in it or not. I've been "clean" for over 3 years now (with a minor hiccup now and then). It feels good. It's probably making me less fun...at least at times. Another reason for purple hair. I'm FUN!!! I'm spontaneous!! I'm not a cookie cutter mommy!! (My mantra)

How many times have I said I need to talk to my therapist and I haven't called???

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This is our new table...and I LOVE IT. I have yet to find a suitable tablecloth for it but it will do just fine. This is the shortest post but I had to share my joy. Come over for dinner!!

I'm writing just to post something, anything. 90% of the time, I sit down and have no idea what I'll end up writing about. Tonight, I watched the series finale of LOST. I'm still thinking about it--but I really found it touching. I will expand on those thoughts later, but I need a night to sleep on it.

Just watched Julia Roberts on Oprah. I need to finish Eat Pray Love. I started reading it...I think it was the wrong time of my life. It might be the right time now. I have to connect to a book in some way to enjoy it. That's strange. At least now...in my "searching" part of life. I've been searching forever it seems. What am I looking for? The easiest answer is "myself." With each year, I feel as if I get closer, but I'm still waiting to feel a certain way about myself. I can't explain it. Something is missing. I'm afraid of failure...and of not finishing things. My idea for my book, for example. Why don't I just start working on it?? Probably because its completion relies on others to help. I worry that no one will have the time to be a part of it and it will just be something that no one returns to me. It's a compilation of things. It's sort of a study of women. My idea at least starts with a mailing to a lot of the women in my life to fill out. But, it'll take time and thought. Most of my friends don't have this luxury--they are too busy with work or children or both.

Maybe if I just started the composing of the mailing, it would help. hmmmm.

Z went to bed like an angel tonight. I can't figure out what the magic trick is. What am I doing right?

I'm off to find that book now. I have too many books that I haven't read in my home. It's filled with them really. I was thinking about that, too. One day, Z is going to say, "Mommy...we have LOTS of books in our house! Which ones did you read?" I need to have a good answer.

I'll start tonight.

It's Complicated.

It's Friday night. We grilled (sort of--used the GF grill). We ate and then we had baby baby bath time. Z has been a nightmare about going to bed lately. Tonight, as if she'd known I'd been bad mouthing her to my girlfriends, she fell asleep on our bed at 8ish and was easily moved into her own room. She's still crashed out. We took a long walk in the sun today, maybe that helped.

Tomorrow we are getting our new dining room table delivered. I can't wait. We've had our pub table since Chicago and it is just too tall to enjoy. It doesn't fit a family. My God how my life has changed. I'm excited about a table.

This week rekindled my love of Facebook. I found an old friend from college that I've spent a lot of time thinking of since we stopped talking over 10 years ago. It was your basic boy meet girl, boy and girl become inseparable friends for over a year, they kiss, they do more and it ruins it. I've regretted the loss of that friendship ever since. Another lesson to teach Z. If you find a soul mate kind of friendship and you're not sure about the romance part...stay away from it. You can love someone deeply without it being romantic love. That's a tough one to learn at 19. Growing up in a small town, you don't get a lot of experiences that make you ready for college friendships with boys. You think every boy has to be something romantic eventually. Wrong.

I had a similar case in Chicago. This is an interesting story. The person I'm writing about is probably reading this too... Anyway, I met a boy who had that same soul mate friendship thing going on. This one was more complicated though. Although I knew he was gay, I didn't really care. He was wonderful, funny, hot, adorable, smart, bright and loved to sing all the same songs as me! We used to spend the night together and wake up singing Harry Connick Jr. We cuddled and just were crazy about each other. I remember sitting in his living room and thinking, "THIS is why I moved to Chicago...this friendship." Ugh...I love him still. Obviously nothing happened there. Another lesson in "you can't choose the people you love, you just love them."

With Jason...I remember thinking how much I felt I had in common with him. I adored him. I was dating his roommate at the time...(man! I love complications!!) He was sweet and hot and gave really great hugs. I crushed on him for a long time. At first it was harmless...and then it wasn't. Now, I'm married to my crush. I still feel it. I see him and think, "my gosh, HE'S my husband...he's so hot and kind and smart and yummy." It's sick really. I love it.

Open your heart. It doesn't pay to ever get jaded...the highs and lows of love are what make life worth it. (you know i'm talking to you...)

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Summer snow

The cotton woods are in bloom and they are shedding their cotton into the air creating this amazing effect of snow in the back yard. The sun is brightly shining and little pieces of white puff slowly guide throughout the air. It's really beautiful. It's something that reminds me of Kansas. I love living here, but Kansas certainly has its moments. It gets way too hot. It gets sticky and humid. Summers growing up in this sticky, hot climate were...wonderful. I can still feel the stings of an early summer sunburn. (NOT good for my complexion...I have tons of freckles now.) The lake was my best friend--well, that and the town pool. I was a lifeguard there for a couple of summers. Small town heat gets young kids into trouble. The fact is...there isn't anything to do...but each other. (ha.) It's true though. As a teenager in my little town, you pretty much spent your summer dying of heat during the day and doing your best to cool off with friends or lovers at night. The baseball diamond was a great place to be in the evenings. I'm still a huge fan of snack bar food due to that time in my life. We rode around in cars and were giddy and ridiculous. I wasn't a drinker. I didn't party--but man, I certainly was out of my mind with hormones and young love. When the 6 o'clock whistle blew--it was almost Pavlovian for me. The boy was off of work and would be coming to see me soon. My hands still sweat just thinking about it. Summer Lovin'...had me a blast for sure.

If there was a way to put that feeling into a bottle and put it high up in a closet somewhere...I would...just so I could occasionally sneak a sip here or there.

In the spirit of the sun and the way it makes everything pop (pun intended), I've added some pics of my yard including my two new flower baskets we got over the weekend. I know it's not quite summer yet...but it was fun to remember anyway.

Bigger

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

John's lyrics. I was listening to them today--I feel like he could have gone deeper with his meaning. I feel bigger than my body. My mind has always been too big for my head. My heart, as well. My heart is something that I feel has time travel capabilities. I feel love from past, present and future. I wake from dreams feeling things I felt 20 years ago. I spend time dwelling in those feelings as if I'm marinating in them to feel younger and more alive. I'm a romantic of the worst kind because I'm a movie lover. My romantic life is mostly in my head and always has been. I create scenarios for my life. I live out fantasies of the crazy sort with my husband in my head. It would be impossible to keep up. I've always created an outer layer of beautiful paint strokes of the men I've loved. When I look back on them...they are all beautiful colors (with the exception of one). I love where my heart has been...where by body has been. I love that I've been loved more than once and in different ways. I hope Z has these experiences. I hope her first love shakes her to her core and gives her a lifetime of joy and wonder when she looks back on it. I hope she knows how it feels to be adored and lusted after. I've done my share of lusting and loving. My heart has always been huge and ready to open. I obsessed over boys at a young age--not that I was ever noticed until much later. I created mix tapes and wrote journal entries dedicated to boys that thought of me only as a friend. I've always been in love with love. It's really the best thing. The feelings that rush over you, the ones you can't control. In my past life I was a poet. I'm convinced of this. I probably spent my life falling in love and just spending my life in it. I created out of it and probably died from a broken heart.

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other women

i have a thing about other women. wanting to be like someone else other than myself. this started young--watching movies and trying to find characteristics i wanted to adopt to make me more interesting. i've pulled my personality from other friends and characters in movies for as long as i can remember. at times, i wonder how much of my personality is actually mine. when i was younger, i compared myself to others so much that i felt horribly insecure. i became "funny." i tried the shock value thing much to my advantage. i became the girl who would do anything crazy at the slumber parties. i feel as if i hide the fact that i have no real talent by trying to be witty and off the wall. i always wrote--but nothing that would make me an author. i wrote mostly about my feelings and a lot about my anger. my older sister was the pretty one. she had the good grades. she was talented. she could draw and paint and understand electronics. i didn't feel i could compete. i copied her love of musicals and how she decorated her room. i couldn't copy the grades...or the fact that she could read a map at a oddly young age. boys always liked her. i think that relationship with her--as a side kick was how i started fitting in with my friends. i was the side kick. my friends were popular and pretty...and sporty and talented. (It's gross really.) I tried my best to keep up with humor and a bit of harmless rebellion.

as i grow older, i still am so in awe of other women and their talents...and their bravery. (i'm listening to ani difranco--and all of this started pouring out) i wanted to learn the guitar, but i can't read music. i wanted to sing, but i never sounded as good as say, reva and treva. now, i'm a mommy to someone. i think to myself often,"what is she going to want to copy in me??" well, i can listen. i can be a good friend. i can find awesomeness in other people. i should have been a casting agent. i think i do well in recognizing talents in others. i will recognize her talents and rejoice in them. i will make sure she knows all of the special and amazing things she's capable of. i will remind her to always let people know how much you admire them...how much you love them. i will teach her to look towards her girlfriends for inspiration. anything i've accomplished in my life has been inspired. i'm not a leader but i pride myself in figuring out great women to follow.

i'm comprised of all of the amazing women that i grew up with...and even those i've met recently. there is such power in being a woman. it's a gift, but you have to do it well. being a woman is just chance, but being a good woman--that is a true gift to other women--you never know who is watching you...

Thursday morning funk

Z is in her chair...vibrating and relaxing.
I just finished up the trash getting--trash day today.
Drinking my morning shake of strawberries, blueberries, banana and SP Cleanse powder.
It's day 16 of my cleanse. 5 days left. I will survive it. I've lost 7 lbs and do feel better.
Today is a Target day. I need a mop. The Swifter is just not cutting it.
Z rolled over on the 11th!!! Huge reaction was caught on video for her to laugh at later.

Still planning our summer trip to New England. I'm VERY excited about this.
Also planning to see my touchstones in Kansas in June. This will feed my soul.
Getting my hair cut on Saturday--and adding purple and some other funky color to the highlights. why the hell not, right? Stay at home moms need FUNK.

Simon and Garfunkel are playing currently--Concert in Central Park. Calming....they are rocking out for me, to me--and I am virtually in the park with Z...we are dancing on a blanket.

It's that day again. The day when I look at the calendar and am amazed at how much time has gone by since you've been gone. It's not an anniversary...those are celebrated. It's more of a day of remembrance. I remember. You are in the frames in my house and when I glance to my right, you are hanging on the wall by my desk. It's the pic of us in SJ...a town you thought was charming. We spent our day eating downtown and running along the tops of the sand piles outside town--you, Sue and me. We spent time at my Grandpa's...drinking and laughing. I miss your laugh.

My daughter has pretty blond hair like yours. I'll teach her how to use rollers. I'll teach her to iron--as you pointed out was very important. I'll teach her to go slow with boys, but be boy crazy just the same. I'll teach her to be the voice of reason to her friends--as harsh as that voice may be. I'll teach her to laugh loudly and wear a big floppy hat to the grocery store. I'll tell her all about you.

Love you my friend.