Sunday

Feel a little better. Still tired and no nap seems to quench that. I'm also cold and want to spend the day refilling the tub with warm water. I worked and was productive. I watched a sappy movie with Jen Aniston. I washed my hair.

The winter is too cold. I want snow in the summer. It's pretty, but I become almost immobile with chilly air. I want to sit under an electric blanket, but mine is broken. damn.

My husband is being sweet today and assuring me that the house will be cleaned and not to freak out about it. He seems to be walking on some egg shells which makes me a little sad.

I do have purple sparkly (in a good way) nail polish on. It was expensive polish and I like it. It makes me feel funky again.

I want a henna tattoo.

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Floundering

This is my 3rd post today. I obviously need a therapy session and I'm using this and a call to my little sister as my therapist. Lost it today for the first time. Not a tantrum...just starting bawling while giving Z a bottle. I'm exhausted today and frustrated and lonely. After realizing that I was slowly losing my mind, I put Z in her swing, which she seemed content with and took myself downstairs to a hot bath. I called Mandi (who wasn't around kids...it was fated for me to call her) and vented and cried until I was sane again. When I came upstairs, Z was asleep with a smile on her face, so I felt like I hadn't failed her as a mom by my small postpartum flip out. I've been pretty ok until today. Not sure what happened. Lots of things. Now, of course, I'm spent. I only have one. I keep saying that to myself. Both of my sisters have 3. I don't understand how. I am slowly seeing that I'm fraying a bit. Each day I find it necessary to take a shower and put on real clothes. I feel like I have to do this or I'll be a slob. I have to seem "cute" to Jason...or he'll seem me as a yucky mom type or something. I also feel like I have to have the house be perfect or I'm dirty. (Wow...there ARE some issues here.) This morning, I came upstairs to find a peanut butter knife that J had left out on the counter...my clean counter and I started to cry then too. I'm losing it today. He's traveling today...and he was gone all day yesterday. He's tired and overwhelmed and each of us are going through our own little days of hell. Granted, mine is spent with Miss Magically Wonderful. She smiles at me and trusts me and has to hold on to my finger to go to sleep at times. We sing and we coo and we bond. This is my bright spot. But...I'm exhausted and I know this is normal.

This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal.

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Get over it

I now understand where the resentment comes in...

I'm too close to expand
I'm too tired to worry about it
I'm too irritated with myself to bitch
But it's there.
It starts to prick my side a bit
It's lonely
It's grand
It's amazing
But I'm dark today.

Comfortably Numb

Z is singing behind me being ALL kinds of adorable right now. She's been very patient with me this morning. I had bills to get done and finally write the rest of my thank you's. I got them sent out. YAY FOR ME! Ugh. I have only a couple left.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my heart. It seems as if it isn't as open as it was when I was younger. After being hurt and losing people, can your heart grow back again the same as it was before? More specifically, after losing Carrie, I truly feel as if my heart got scared shut. I constantly worry about losing someone else and I get upset when people don't talk or if I haven't spoken to someone in a while. It wasn't a sudden thing, her death, but it was a shock. I feel sometimes as if my heart can't quite open. Jason has commented on this with me and so has my therapist. I always leave one foot out the door--as my therapist says. I don't quite commit to people. Could this be true? Even with Z, I'm almost afraid to love her as much as I could--this sounds awful, I know. I don't feel as if I have control over it. (I need to call my therapist) I guess I was just worried last night at my somewhat numb feeling lately. I'm not up or down...just flat line. I know I'm happy...I know that things are good and that I love J and Z very much...but I feel as if I can't FEEL anything!! It's so odd. I'm not even down. I want to really laugh or something. This is a strange post. I hate it. I feel as if I miss people so much that I just shut off so that I don't. I don't want to long for people...or to get so freaked out about Z doing anything in the future. I don't want to hide her away from the world because I'm so scared for her. (I feel this is possible) I know she's going to go away...yes, we're talking YEARS down the road, but I don't want to be crippled by it.

What's wrong with me? Is this normal?? Am I just protecting myself from "old Valerie" taking over with her over analyzing, over feeling, over obsessing, overly depressive craziness???

Side note: My gosh, you should hear the noises coming out of this child...I'm freaking out it is so cute. What am I going to do when she starts talking? :)

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Random pics

Above--This is what Jason runs in...at night...in the snow...that probably scares people.


Below is the outfit that Z spit up on right after I got her in it. TOO cute!

damn damn damn damn damn!

Subject line is such a GREAT quote from My Fair Lady. It comes in handy for me quite often. Today, got up at 7, not bad. Z went down for nap around 8. I showered, got ready, got her ready...was REALLY feeling super mom-ish...got her into the car seat, went to heat up the car and BAM, it's dead. We had a 2 month appt. today. I had reschedule...but I was SO looking forward to mommy-Zoë day out! I was going to get Starbucks, I was going to head to Target...and just drive around in the sun with pumpkin. WE NEED OUT OF HERE! We'll get out on Saturday, I know, but it's just the disappointment. Z was really bummed about it. She comforting herself by singing in the swing right now. They need Baby Idol. She rocks out.

I've now reheated my coffee two times. I usually do this about 4-5 times. I can never drink it. Normally, I find it in the microwave.

The redecorating is slow. I'm trying to use things I have already in more creative ways. Think I'll make a collage that represents me at 35. Maybe do a Chicago collage...and a NY one. I'm needing some sort of expression lately. I feel good, just a little brain dead. Work helps, but only sometimes. I get too tired to read, but just keep reading a page or two at a time.

Z was wearing the most adorable outfit and then spit up 2 minutes later. I bet this girl goes through about 4 outfits a day. It's insane. Maybe other mothers don't change them as often? But I hate being cold and wet, so I imagine she does too.

Last night I rocked out. Folded TONS of laundry, put more loads in, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, folded blankets, cleaned up kitchen, put baby down, gathered trash, cleaned out fridge and all in about an hour. I felt very Mary Poppins. Normally, I get 2 of those done as I desperately try to stay on the couch with Z on my lap. But, I need to really get up and get it done more...the sitting around thing is affecting my mental health. Again, how the hell does one have more than one small child?? Bravo to you girls!

Ok, off to look through mags. Z is snooooooozing. Love that about her!



More when it happens.

It just hit me

my house needs some creativity and decor. I'm tired of the blank walls. Is this a manic act??? Maybe, but it must be done. Ready, set, go crazy with DECOR and such...I'm needing an outlet!!!

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it's snowing, big flakes...cold and pretty, like me.

So, the birthday was good. Lots of phone calls, lots of texts and emails. Makes me feel loved. Michael came over. Always an experience. She cooked for us and had lots of stories that were weird...as usual. I like her spark and her true sense of self...she is not a follower. She does talk about herself a lot. I guess I do too, isn't that what this damn blog is all about?

Z is sleeping in her swing. The scene outside is beautiful. The deer visited last night to wish me a happy birthday. nice of them. i was in a good mood yesterday until the evening came upon us...then i was horribly tired and worn out. today, i'm tired and worn out but hopeful. i filled out some of Z's baby book. I'm going to journal. Then I'm going to hold my baby for a long time. I feel guilty when she's in the swing sometimes. Like she needs to have human contact at all times. I feel as if she's lonely and she doesn't know it.

Mandi called last night and made me laugh out loud. Talk about someone who has a good energy about her. She's dealing with horrible sleep deprivation and is still funny. I love her. She told me some damn funny stories about falling asleep during feedings, which I've never done. She was shocked at this. I've never even come close to doing that. Huh. I think, again, it's because I only have one child. Multiples might kill me. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT???? It's amazing to me. My head hurts already...and I only have one head to hurt. I can imagine you folks that have up to 4 kids...that's insane. You probably have many heads hurting. I know have 3 friends with 4 kids. Holy shit. You know who you are....that's just nuts. Good for you. You'll have fantastic holidays later. You'll have The Family Stone holidays. I love that. Big, fun, interesting adult children.

Z may need a sibling. I keep thinking about it. At 35...hmmm. This needs to happen sooner than later. Scary. I wish I had more time. I wish she could be about 3 before we start trying, but I don't think I have that much time. UGH!!!

Keep dreaming about ex boyfriends. What's that about???? I'm happily married...and dream some crazy stuff. Interesting.

Spending the weekend in a hotel with J and Z. He arranged the whole thing. Spa treatments and all. Even laminated a really pretty invitation and agenda. So cute and thoughtful. I wish I had a girlfriend to go with me. I'm already looking forward to heading to the room after to see my hot husband and adorable baby waiting for me with yummo food!! Then, to sleep in a big bed with comfy sheets and pillows and not have to cook. ahhhh.

Baby is stirring. Time to hold her and be in awe.


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I'm Blue...da ba dee, da ba die

The skies are blue...sadly, I am too. I'm not even sure why...I think it's because I'm exhausted today. I feel like crying, no reason. I want my house clean and I'm sick of cleaning it. Well, that's not true, I'm just sick of doing it with interruption. Z is great, but man...I'm tired. This is probably normal, right? At least Jason isn't going to CA tomorrow as he'd planned. The trip was miraculously canceled. Thank God. My birthday is tomorrow. I'm 35. My life is good. All I want is a long, warm nap. A bubble bath and a nap--with an electric blanket. I equate warmth with happiness. The house is cold. I hate the cold. I always hated that my birthday was in the winter months...and now I've passed that on to my daughter. I loved summer bday parties. You can be outside, you can go camping or swimming. Mine were cold.

I'm far away from my family and friends. This is normally fine. But I miss my girlfriends. I miss Dustin.. I miss Jeremy, too. I miss girl time. We're all so busy now with jobs and family, it's hard to find time. Birthday sleep overs...those times I miss. Kortney was just here. We're so family oriented now. This is good...and lonesome. We're silly, but not as silly...not as dangerous...not as spontaneous. We're mommies...and we're tired and we talk about husbands and kids. It's better than bad boyfriends and bad relationships, yes. But I don't feel 35. That's the point of this rambling. I feel so immature and young still. I look at Z and think I'm too young to have her. I feel like a teenage mother. But, I look at my face and I see wrinkles staring at me around my eyes. They are there mostly due to smiling and laughing. I hate the stresses of getting older. Jason and I just talked about this yesterday. How stressed he is...and how different he seems from when we were first together. "I only had me to worry about, now I have a house and a family." This equals a lot of stress. Happiness, yes, but there are SO MANY things to stress about. Money sucks. I just hate it. I hate that we all worry about it.

I miss being 16. I'd just found love and my girlfriends surrounded me and I only had high school to worry about. (I didn't worry too much about it...) I miss high school trips and sport nights and riding around the square with my friends. Life was so thick to me then...I felt so many things for the first time.

I'm now a mommy for the first time. I look at this baby and want her to stay little. Yet, I want her to hurry up and grow so she can talk to me and so we can go on trips together. I want her to love her childhood so much that she writes about it when she's 35. That should be my focus...to make her life thick.

At 35, I've been rich with love and friendship. I married my friend and I plan on looking for ways to de-stress my life. Z doesn't need to be aware of this shit. It's her time. And it's our time...mine and Jason's to have a normal childhood through our daughter.

Happy Birthday to me.

UPDATE: (after taking a small nap)

As I look around my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't even go back to being 16, though I miss certain things about it. College was rough and childhood had it's not so pleasant moments. Now, I have a wonderful little family...and we've carved our own little place here in NY. It took all of those times to get here...and I love looking back with rose tinted glasses. I know those times weren't as glorious as I remember, but I still love the long and winding road that lead me here.

Post Partum Lusting

Well, not that we have anywhere to go, but the snow is pretty...it's blowing though, could be tough to travel in. Z is swinging and cooing currently. Very cute. Our nights have been less than desirable, but not horrible. I'm feeling a little wimpy compared to other moms. Some seem to really do well, or at least better than me with the exhaustion thing. I'm not quite used to it yet. I get headaches and my bones just ache when I don't have enough sleep. Plus, I get a little overly emotional and psycho. I've started having jealousy dreams about Jason. This makes me feel REALLY horrible. I'm thinking it's triggered by Z and his complete adoration of her and our complete lack of having any alone time. I miss him...but enjoy watching him as a dad. I miss being a couple and have been thinking back to the Chicago times. Not that I'd ever not want Z here, just miss her dad...miss us being cute and mushy and sexy. His sexiness has been amplified with the dad thing. My God. Plus, he just always looks good....ok, sorry, I'm a little lonely. He leaves for CA on Monday and so we won't be spending my bday together. That sucks. But, we have the weekend. He is very conscious of the fact he'll be gone and is going to surprise me with a weekend somewhere...hmmm.

I guess it's a good sign that I still lust after my husband...but man, Z needs to sleep through the night!! (Sorry if this is TMI Jen...hehehe)

Guilt

Today is my first day back to work. Z has been quiet for most of the day. What a trooper. I reorganized my office and desk and now I'm all set to work from home. Of course now I just want to take a nap. Z was up 3 times last night and has slept twice already today...and I've missed those opps to sleep myself. J is out until 4 I think. It's actually ok. A lot of the time I get more done when he's not here. (There's no one to cause a mess. HA!)

The doorbell rang. It was the water guy. We haven't been able to find our meter to call in our reading. I felt silly but I looked everywhere. He found it in a cabinet in our closet. WHA?? Strange. The people that owned this house before us were odd. The way they built things...the rooms and the storage...helpful, but random. I love our house, it's very...me. It's choppy--the rooms are oddly sized, but everything is very homey. It's cabin like. It's cold sometimes. Our gas bill is ENORMOUS. I just want to die. We had guests all during the holidays and I didn't want anyone to be cold. Now, we'll be sleeping in boxes on the street due to the high bill. Not really...but man.

Being at home makes you very conscious about how much TV you could watch. I'm trying desperately to regulate it so I don't feel like a sloth. It's too easy to flip it on when she's feeding or napping. Yesterday had no TV until Idol in the evening. Course, I did watch a netflix on the computer. Does that count? Today, I watched The View at noon...ok! so I watched Ellen too. But now it's off!! OK?!!! I got books from Amazon in the mail yesterday. I'm going to read them damnit. DAMN IT!!!! I'm going to be a well read mommy, not a TV head mommy. (This is so difficult for me.)

I'm tired. I want to have someone swaddle me and put me down.

Balancing Act

Stay at home mommy. Hmmm. This is an interesting and wonderful thing. I know my daughter...I know her cries and her smell. I know what she needs most of the time. Sometimes she throws me a curve ball when I am tired. There are things I have to get used to however. I'm tied to her. I am her food...for the most part. We do give her formula in a bottle at times. She's great about having both. I feel like I can't leave the house. That's my problem. I know I can, but I am paranoid about the cold. I don't want her to be out in the car unnecessarily. I don't want her to get a cold or for us to be hit by someone. I'm protecting her too much...but hey...it's winter and she's not even two months yet. I need to relax. I need to understand I'm going to be tired. But I feel like I want to nap a lot during the day and I can't get anything done. I'm used to 9 hours of sleep and now I'm down to about 5 hours a night. (This is a big deal for me) Jason is used to that...but I am not. It's been a challenge--however, not as big as I thought it would be. I thought I'd be out of my mind by now. I' not, I'm just a little claustrophobic at times and get exhaustion headaches. I'm stressed out about controlling my environment. I am someone who has to do certain things to remain healthy. I have to have clean surroundings. Things need to have order. My kitchen must be clean. Jason doesn't really get this about me. I was a bit "crazy" before we got serious...so I don't think he's seen the "wacky valerie" but I am VERY in tune with her and don't want to go back there. I have to have sleep. I have to feel productive and not lazy. Laziness is a big deal. I feel lazy if I watch too much tv. (However, most of the time I'm way too tired to read a book) I feel lazy if there are dishes out or if the bed isn't made. (The bed is made every morning.) I also hate not showering every day. Today is the first day in a long time that I just couldn't get it done. I want to be super mom. But I'm not. My thank you notes aren't done. Her baby book isn't started. Her announcements aren't out!! That's crazy. I feel like I'm just not enough. I need another one of me. Jason is great. But he works. And just because he works from home...I can't take advantage of that. He can't get to things quick enough for me (and my mental health). He can't get to the dishes or the laundry or the vacuuming when I need it. He can only do it when he has time. (This isn't really ever) He has other things that require his time. (Worthy things...yes...but again, this is why I need another me.)

Thank goodness Z is a good baby. She isn't fussy. She is sweet and understanding. She smiles at me a lot and I'm convinced she knows the secrets of the universe that she will forget by the time she can talk. She is wise...I can see it in her eyes. She is beautiful...more and more each day. Her skin is perfect. Her hair is the perfect shade of blonde. Her eyes are blue and bright...and they follow me. She loves her daddy...and I've never seen him so in love. It's been great seeing his heart grow bigger. She couldn't have a better daddy...or be loved more. I love this especially. He will have the love that I felt I didn't have growing up...she will be able to feel his adoration. That is so important.

I have so many things to get used to. But I will in time. In the meantime, it's my own personal race to keep mentally healthy. I'm going on 3 years of balance....and I need to hold on to it.

Blonde bombshell

So, she's here! Zoë (it's a trick to get the umlauts...but you can google it and find out how). She was born on a Saturday...12:32pm after 22 minutes of pushing that felt more like 22 hours. I didn't cuss one time! Actually, it went ok--well, it hurt like hell and threw up a lot, but at least it wasn't hours of pushing. Labor pains started at about 8pm on Friday night. We weren't sure she was coming until around midnight. Even then, when I got to the ER around 2am, I was only 2cm. An hour later (a VERY painful hour), I was at 5cm and we were on our way! Jason was amazing. He was a great coach and crawled in bed with me to help me through the 30 second contractions. I don't know how I would've gotten through it without him really.

When she was out, they immediately put her on my chest, but I was too sick to hold her, so Jason spent the first hour of her life with her...and they've been very bonded ever since. We've all been transformed by her arrival. Her name has been tricky for most. The umlauts are probably annoying, but we love them. Zoë Lorraine Bennington Vidmar is on her birth certificate. The Bennington is just to keep track of my name. Lorraine is from my paternal grandma. I dropped Lorraine when I got married...and made Bennington my middle name. Now Z has it. Love that.

A month has gone by so quickly! We've taken an obscene amount of pics. There were 1000 of her the first week--no exaggeration. She is the most photographed child. Jason seems to hold the camera with him. He constantly snaps shots of her. He even has a website for her.
mountainroad.shutterly.com (password is...rochester)

What a sweetie she is! She's not fussy...yet. She only cries when she's hungry. Breastfeeding is going swell and I'm almost back down to my beginning weight! (YAY breastfeeding!!) It's been a magical time. The fact that she was born right before the holidays was really sweet. It made Christmas that much more wonderful. We've had lots of guests and look forward to more.

She's quite the blonde! That was the #1 most commented thing about her from the very first hour she was alive...her hair. She's so blonde! Gorgeous. Not sure where she got it. I was sure she'd be dark haired after her dad. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've been away forever. This is just to catch up. The next posts (hopefully somewhat daily) will be about the fantastic times and the trials we'll have with little Zo'.

To bring it back to real life...today, we had the exterminator come. We have ants. Sugar ants...and they suck! I think we'll be rid of them soon, but what a pain in the ass to have. We also have icicles from hell all over our house. Need to figure those out before they kill someone!

More to come! Think I'll nap.

Zoë Lorraine Bennington Vidmar 12-5-09

My loves

Ghosts

Today is one of those days when the sunlight hits the earth in a way that reminds me of being in Kansas. It takes me back to different times in my life--like a time machine. I feel feelings I had years ago, much like a song on the radio can inject feelings of first love or times in college. I love when it happens. It's true that I had some of my worst times in college, but I also had some of my best. I met friends that changed my life. Unfortunately, I am not in contact with all of them. In college, I was foolish with others' hearts and didn't understand how delicate friendships can be. I ruined 3 friendships due to my misunderstanding of how hurtful one-sided love can be. I was a shameless flirt and liked to see how far I could push people (men). I've learned so much since then...and now miss the friendships I ruined. I hear songs that remind me of certain people and it's just plain hurtful now. I can't even find these people on Facebook and wonder if they've blocked me. (paranoia)

I met great girlfriends there. I loved the huge campus and the ability to meet women that really shaped my life. I loved my time on the KU campus. It was my first time being on my own--there's really nothing in life like that. It makes you feel so incredibly alive!! Even the painful times were great learning experiences. I wish many things. I wish I'd been more serious about school. I always struggled with that. I put all of my thoughts and time into my social life--and my feelings about people. I was ignorant of the lasting effects of marginal grades. I'm officially the one in my family with the least amount of education. Everyone has their Masters or their JD. I would love to get a Masters but I screwed myself in college. My second semester of my freshman year landed me a 1.9 GPA. Unreal. It basically screwed me for the next 4 years. It's possible for me to still get my Masters but I'll have to retake classes. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done someday.

My mind is all over today. If I stay at home until Zoë is 6...that's 6 years of time when I could be improving myself! We'll see how it goes. Raising a child well is quite the job in itself. I'm looking forward to it. It's a daunting task--and I have freak outs about it. I worry that I will want to shield her too much. I don't want her to be naive...but I don't want her to have the worries I had either. What a paranoid little person I was...such a worry wart!! I would love her to be a balanced teen and young adult instead of how I was--full of anxiety and very self obsessed. Not a good mix.

At least one lesson she can learn from me is that it is possible to make mistakes, hurt people and go through a "dark period" and still find happiness. There is someone out there who will love you...and all of your baggage (or who might have some matching baggage)--and who will bring balance to your life. It is possible that it all can work out--but you have to take the necessary steps and not continue down the spiral. You do eventually have to take responsibility and make the choice to be happy--and not a victim. But wow...it's hard to do.

Monday rambling.

The weekend was somewhat productive. That's always good. Friday night we took it easy...so easy that I can't really remember what we did. I think we watched No Country For Old Men again. (We own it.) Saturday morning we had Infant/Toddler CPR class for 3 hours. It was a good refresher for me--Jason had never learned it before, so it was very useful! Lots of chores to do. Ugh. Jason raked leaves both days. I cleaned and started decorating the house for Christmas. I think he thinks I'm crazy--but he just lets me do it. In a few weeks when the time is right to decorate, I fear I won't have the energy or the movement.

We had a virtual shower on Saturday night. My friend Becky put it together. Lots of people sent cards with good wishes and advice...and recipes!! We got a lot of nice things. The girl is set up for clothes for a bit!! That's good.

The weather was great yesterday, but today...the cold has started to set in. I'm excited for the first snow--if our leaves are done. We have so many trees! The snow will put a nice new look on things. I got a Baby's First Christmas ornament--it's adorable. It has a mommy and daddy snowman holding a baby snowman with 2009 on her little cap. I need to remember if we have another baby to be just as good with the gifts of significance. I was #2 and my baby book isn't even half full whereas Wendy's is bursting at the seams! There is a lot of pressure (that I create) to make things so perfect for her. To make sure she is happy...and uncomplicated and secure. I even talked to Jason last night that we shouldn't burp in front of her. (Being pg has me burping a bit...really attractive) I don't want her to think, "uhh...Mommy's gross!" I also don't want anything stressful around her. (these are BIG wishes...and I see disappointment in my future.)

I need to write things down for her so I remember...things I want for her. I feel that time will get away from me and I will forget.

If you listen closely, you'll hear me growl.

So I went to the doc yesterday because I've been having this breathing issue. I stop when I'm sleeping. They don't know what it is. I got an EKG, everything looked ok. It could be that I'm having panic attacks in my sleep. YIKES. I am very in tune with my anxiety and depression levels and I'm very low on both. I haven't felt down at all really. I feel overwhelmed, but that's normal. I feel uncomfortable...that normal. I am scared of the delivery...I think that's normal as well. My life is good. Husband is one I'd like to keep...so is the house and the cat...and my family--though that can get stressful--again, that's normal. So, what's the deal?? I have no idea and it's annoying. The doctor said she could give me an anti-anxiety...but I want to hold off first. If I felt it during the day that's be one thing. Hmmm. I have a month to go. Maybe all this will help. Then I can start sleeping on my belly again...not have to pee every 20 mins...can get out of these pg clothes!!...and not deal with a child in my belly who has the hiccups constantly. (poor thing)

I'm ready for the little hands and toes...ready to see someone who looks like Jason and Valerie. Ready to see her personality and to see Jason as a daddy. :) Very sweet. (really looking forward to that.) She will most likely be a daddy's girl. That's fine.

12 more days until I start working from home. CAN'T WAIT. People make me cranky and I feel guilty for being a cranky pregnant lady. I'm suppose to be glowing and smiling and sweet. Umm...not so much. I want to tell people who need headsets and more coffee and more envelopes and more office space and meetings in certain conference rooms to suck it.

REALLY sweet.

Still complaining--and still feeling guilty about it.

Well, I'm uncomfortable. :)

Baby is starting her descent. It's not the most comfortable feeling. In fact, it makes me feel as if my crotch is full of lead. Nice, eh?

Today I'm going to a doctor about a breathing issue I've had for years, but that is starting to really bother me. I seem to stop breathing at night. It sounds like sleep apnea, but I don't fit the mold for that. All I know is that I wake up struggling to breath and panic--then my throat starts to close (more panicking) and then I use the inhaler that I just got last week. It seems to work. I'm starting to get nervous about going to sleep! It can happen during naps or during the night. It's scary.

This Saturday Jason and I go to infant/toddler CPR. Next Saturday is the 8 hour birthing class. That should make Jason significantly more nervous than he's starting to be. He's been sick--so we're keeping our distance from each other. That sucks.

Last weekend his sisters threw me a baby shower in Cleveland. I will admit, I was hesitant about it--I'm not so much a shower girl. It was actually a really nice time! Jason and his dad came, so that helped. I also made him sit right next to me so not everyone was staring at me only. (I get stage fright!) Baby got lots of cute stuff!! The games were good (I'm not usually a fan of those either) and the food was yummo! It was very sweet of everyone. My family isn't so much into showers and such--so it was a nice change of pace.

She is REALLY moving around right now...it's such an odd feeling. Her little toes are pressing up against my ribs--cute toes, but more cute when they will be out!!

Totally unrelated side note about TV:
Some new shows are really working for me!! Flash Forward and The Good Wife. I'm really enjoying those shows!!

Autumn on Mountain Rd.

These are pictures from our backyard. Beautiful....

Growing up, Summer was always my favorite season because it meant no school and days at the pool. Now, although I don't like the cold...Fall is definitely my fave. I love Halloween, the colors, pumpkin patches, scarves and Thanksgiving. We got 3 pumpkins...a Jason, Valerie and Zoë pumpkin!! So cute. I should have a pic of that on here, too...let me add it. There. Now it's at the top. Cute, eh?!!

Thanksgiving will just be Jason and me--which we're used to. He wanted to travel to Cleveland...but I put my foot down. "Uhh...I'll be ready to pop...I'm not going to be 4 hours away from my doctor." He quickly agreed. Dustin was going to come in, but now he's coming after Zoë is here. (Yes, we picked her name--and yes, it has umlauts.) So, instead of making an insane dinner, I'm going to research where we can go to get some turkey. We'll still fix some things at home...Jason's fave cranberry recipe that we've made into our own tradition, etc. It will be somewhat lonely, but Christmas should make up for it. I believe my mom and clan will be here. Having a baby around always brings a crowd. I look forward to her arrival. Pregnancy has been...very educational and interesting. Some women LOVE to be pregnant...I've found, I'm not one of them. I can't wait to be a mother, but being slowed down so much by a belly and FATigue isn't as much fun. In my 20s, I would've relished the idea of having to slow down--I was lazy then. Now, it drives me NUTS! There are so many things I need to get done...the house is still not unpacked, etc...I am driven to tears of frustration. I need to relax about it all. I am 33 weeks this week...only 7 more to go!! An early arrival would be welcomed.

Baby Blues

I don't have a good excuse for not writing--fatigue? being uncomfortable? fatigue?? Sorry...it's just that I find myself blanking my mind out. I don't want to think about anything and have been that way for a while. I feel the impending time of thinking/worrying about EVERYTHING and I'm trying to prepare for the madness. The house is great, not unpacked much...but I still come home and lay on the couch anyway. The nursery is finally painted--thanks to my sister!! YAY. I went with a Mary Poppins theme. I love Mary...she's very comforting to me. I grew up with the movie and I love the colors Disney used in the film--the whole movie looks as if it is a painting of blues and greens and pinks. London can be a magical place.

Today, I feel that my belly has grown 2 inches outward. It's heavy and tight...and I didn't sleep at all last night. So, today--with my boss being gone--it is WAY too slow and I'm daydreaming of relaxing on my bed. I'm trying to think of ways to escape. No one would even know I was gone! Or rather, they wouldn't care.

My energy is low and my creative juices are at an all time low. Boring blogs might be worse than no blogs at all. I'm sure I'll be hit by some insightful thoughts that I'll want to share...but for now...I'm marveling at this huge belly and how active this little girl is!! She seems to be sleeping right now of course--sure didn't sleep when I was trying to sleep. Who's team is she on??? If she came early, that would be a blessing. I want my body back and I want to meet her. We can't have very much fun with her in there...

Wednesday is finding me a bit blank...

I've been a bad blogger. Time gets away from me. Settling into the new house has been fun, but very surreal. To walk around a house and know it's yours is an odd feeling. It's so big to us! The first night I didn't sleep well. I kept having visions of someone breaking in. Meryl love it...though she spends all night roaming and discovering new places to get into. She actually climbed a ladder into the loft. I keep wondering if she'd want a little friend...but I'll wait to see if the baby is allergic first.

We're getting the kitchen and office/den painted today. I can't wait to go home and see what it looks like. Jason has impressed me with his sense of color--it was his idea to accent a wall in the kitchen to a gorgeous blue color. He's all about color though, he can't stand white. Hopefully we like the colors...they were picked in a bit of a rush. We ended mixing some colors we felt were too "white"--so now I need to be creative as to how to use them. Man, paint is expensive!

I've become a boring home owner...I can't think of anything to write that would be interesting. I don't feel like ranting about "Birthers" at this point...or venting my frustrations about family--what's the point. I chalk a lot of my irritation up to the pregnancy.

Baby is doing well--I'm suppose to gain up to 11 lbs this month. I have about 80 days to go. I made it to the 3rd trimester...and am ready to meet her already. I have minor freak outs--thinking it's too much and I won't be able to do it...and that I'm scared of how my life is going to change forever. Then, I'll wake up and be ready to see her...and love her and I can't wait. It's odd. I signed J and I up for about 4 different classes at the hospital. Lots of information...he thrives on information. It will be good. We've been focusing on lots of other things and these classes will remind us that a baby is actually coming in December.

Fall has arrived. The trees are starting to get a bit painted, but we have a ways to go. I'm ready for glowing pumpkins and family coming around. I'm ready to decorate the house for each holiday!

I'm also ready for a nap. I will blame my insane lack of creativity on fatigue.

passive aggressive.

A bit of a tangent, sorry. The frustrations of life get to me once in a while--and I'm frustrated. Frustrated with the country and it's pessimism...frustrated with (and in love with) my belly and how it keeps me from getting things done that I NEED TO GET DONE! Frustrated with being constantly worried about family and if people are upset or how they are feeling. We moved out here to get a new start...and to see new things...and for some reason, it has alienated us. We must seem as if we didn't want to be around family--no, although they do stress us out. Frustrated with the God struggle...the religion struggle...the judgemental shit. SO MANY things turn me off, I can't help it. I married someone who I can identify with...and who shares my ways of thinking--WOW that helps! We question the same things, we believe int he same things and we struggle with similar things. We show our struggles differently--that's hard. We are both manic in different ways--that's hard, too. I so want to fight his battles for him. He wants to walk away from them. He's a peace keeper. I'm the "let's DEAL with this!!" But, this is just another way of saying a lot without really saying anything. Damn.

more bitching later...because i'm in that stage right now. bitchy pregnant lady. happy to be pregnant, but man...REALLY raw emotionally!!

Joe Wilson took Project Runway off of Bravo! I'm convinced.

I guess I unintentionally took time off from this. Didn't mean to...just got busy. Got the house...I love it! Also getting bigger--not liking that as much. I like the fact that she is growing and healthy, I don't like the fact that my nights are now spent tossing and turning and popping TUMS.

We have the house, but are not in it yet. We are slowly moving our lives over. It's a new beginning. I'm excited to have our home. I'm excited for us to have our little family. We are a rare breed of couple that agree on practically everything when it comes to decorating and how we want our house to look. I won't say that I have good taste...I will say that his taste matches mine and it seems to be good--or it's at least a good vision. We've also decided on a name for the girl. I'm happy about that, too! It's fun to call her by name. It's nice to have our little corner of the planet. It's beautiful here. It's peaceful. It's quiet, it's balanced and calm...and we are happy. These are all things I've searched for my entire life--esp in my 20s. I quiver at my 20s and the hell I put myself through...and those who dared to love me during that time. I wish I could send out either "thank you" or "I'm sorry" postcards to certain people. I just have to hope they will think of me partially fondly.

(I need to forgive myself for that time period...I talk about it too much.)

The most interesting people to me are those that struggled and rose from it all! I have a bit to go, but I feel much better about it all. Jason is a good reflection of my life. I like him. We have a good understanding of the other's life. We have similar backgrounds...and we have patience with things when the other does not.

I'm just rambling here. If I didn't write about this, I'm afraid I would've gone off about the political views flying in my office today that I'm completely annoyed with...and that would be such a negative blog.

In the meantime, this link is pretty funny!!
http://joewilsonisyourpreexistingcondition.com/

Too much

Had a great weekend in Atlanta! Macca was awesome--of course. He played for 3 hours...including 2 encores. At one point, it just poured on all 40,000 fans...and no one was phased. Everyone just sang and swayed along. Very cool. It was the perfect girl weekend...good food, great convos and great shopping! My belly got hot though..ended up with a heat rash. Atlanta is just a bit hotter than Rochester. Man, did that look unattractive!!

After the concert, there was such a feeling of being a part of something big. Everyone poured out of the park onto the streets--they don't have parking in or nearby. The streets were bulging with people on both sides for probably miles. They flooded the train station, so we ended up walking and eventually catching a very empty and welcomed bus. I was exhausted and my feet were starting to ache. The alternative of waiting for probably hours at a train station, so I did not complain.

I have much on my mind today, but it's almost too much effort to write it all out. Let's just say the lessons I can pass on to my daughter seem to be piling up lately. I need to start a little book.

This is too vague...maybe I'll have the energy to expand tomorrow.

Our first Noel...

I'm listening to Christmas music...streaming it at work to calm my nerves. Not that I'm upset, just need that extra bit of happiness to make it until 5pm. It's been slow and slow days make LONG DAYS. I've been a bit blue...but not sure why. I think I'm dreading Jason's trip. If he were going to be in the US, that'd be one thing, but SO FAR AWAY...ugh. I'll enjoy my time with friends, but will worry about him getting back. (I'm obsessing about this, aren't I.)

Christmas music gives me a false sense of security. I'll take it.

I hope I'm able to provide little Vidmar with memories that will take her through life. Hopefully she'll have many she can tap into when she needs to. I fully intend on making the holidays a big deal for her. I'd love for her to be surrounded by family and friends. I keep daydreaming about my house. That might be materialistic...but really...just thinking of the times we will create there. The feeling she'll have when she returns from college or with her own children. (Granted, we might not have the same house, but who knows.) That's another thing...people switch houses a lot now. My mom and dad have had their houses forever...and I have memories growing up there. It would be a different feeling if we didn't have those ties. Life is changing for our generation though. We all have to move to find jobs, etc...staying in one house for 40 years isn't as possible as it used to be. Maybe this is why we should focus on traditional meals--if the food is there...maybe the feeling will follow.

I'm rambling.

I'm so TIRED!!!

Why does my body react so horribly to sugar now?? I love Starbursts...but about 15-20 minutes after having some, I just want to die. I could go to bed for the night. It's annoying. At this point, I have about an hour and a half of time after work where I am worth something....after that--Jason has to do everything on his own. I'm bushed. He works late and then wants to eat--I'm too tired. I have to eat immediately after work and then start my wind down. WHERE IS THE 2ND TRIMESTER ENERGY BOOST YOU LIARS!!! And...I puked this morning...so violently I was exhausted all morning and crashed at lunch.

I'm worthless.

Mommy Dearest

The weekend was a nice one. I spent Saturday in Boston, NY with Lisa and her family. Her two little girls were with her. It's surreal to see her with her kids, knowing I have one coming. Seeing your girlfriends become mothers...girls you spent so much time with just being girls. All the history you have with someone. I'd seen my friend Erica earlier in the week and it was the same experience. I still see the girl I knew and they are some one's mom!

Speaking of being a mom--I keep having mini freak outs about it. I worry that I'll be too stern...that I won't remember what it was like to be a kid. Actually, my problem would be that I would remember too much and be overly concerned about what she does. (I know what I did) Jason was such a good boy...I can see him being more relaxed. I'm very aware of my past mistakes and annoyances--I don't want her to go through the messes I did. I was slow to mature...slow to realize how to take care of things...or how to be truly a good friend. I learned so much from the women who are now mothers...fitting.

I'm working on being more calm, not letting little things set me off. I've become so uptight since I've been married. I wonder why that is? It's almost like I have a vision of what I'm suppose to be and I'm cramming myself into that. I don't like that model. I need to just be who I am. Jason married me for ME...not for someone he thought I'd turn into.

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I'm excited for what I might find. I just started reading Maya Angelou's book, "Letter to my Daughter" and find it really helpful. I just want to be in some sort of weekly meeting with wise women talking about all the lessons they've learned. Maya has some good points that I'll need to remember.

Matt Lauer makes most news look good...

I watch the Today Show every day...it's been a favorite of mine for years. Watching it lately...it's getting to be too much for me. Stories affect me so differently than they used to. I realize that my hormones are nuts right now, but I also think it's just having more life experience. Hearing the story this morning of the mother who had a drunk driving accident killing her child and 3 nieces...it was too much. I heard a sound bit taken from the funeral of the 3 girls...the father pleading with parents to hold their children close--I just started crying. I can't imagine the pain of losing all of your children. Or losing a parent...losing anyone. I spend a lot of time worrying about losing people in my life. I've already lost some close to me. The memories of my grandparents evokes such emotion in me. The loss of friends...I constantly worry about what horrible accident is around the corner that will take another. Whenever Jason is late...I worry--creating horrible images in my mind. He leaves for Australia soon...and I'm dreading it. I want him to go, but I will be counting down the days until he is safely at home. I'm going to a mother soon--I know I can't hold her too closely. It will be hard for me to let her go. I have some time at least.

When I was a very young girl...maybe 9, my mom bought me the Mr. Worry book. I worried about everything...I need to go dig that up. It's sad to know that I haven't changed. Mom says that worrying is a way of sending out a silent prayer. Interesting thought.

Hold your loved ones close today.

Soak

Well, Jack is a Jill--we found out yesterday a girl is on her way. I mourned the boy for a while yesterday--he'd grown in my head. A girl...wow. Well, I definitely feel more at ease with the job. I was worried about a boy, just due to the fact that I don't know them very well and I didn't really grow up around them much. Women surrounded me mostly in my life and I'm thrilled that our girl will have so many aunties!! Today, I'm just overwhelmed at the thought of anything. I'm tired...I'm anti-social...I want to play hooky from work and go somewhere to sit and think. Not sure about what--I'm just in the mode of wanting to float. I don't want to be anywhere or talk to anyone--floating would be nice...or maybe be invisible. I've always wanted that ability. It's not that I'm depressed at all, I think I'm just the opposite. I feel overwhelmed at the information (all good) coming in and I feel as if I'm not enjoying it. I'd like to get pruney with my happy thoughts for a while.

Sex...for lack of a better word...is good.

"Love has no fear and no vengeance."--the quote on my Yogi tea bag. Yes, I am drinking tea that has caffeine! I am a bad mom. All weekend I felt somewhat paranoid about how others are viewing me..."You don't look pregnant....are you eating enough?" YES. Like I'm already a bad mother...I'm starving my child because I have a fear of being "fat." Nope...I will say that I don't have a huge appetite, but I do eat enough. I take my vitamin...and I'm sleeping as much as I can. Today, I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping extremely well at night. I keep freaking about how I'm sleeping...am I cramping the baby? It's annoying.

We had a long weekend of in law bbq's. It went fine, although I kept sitting down and not moving. I also wasn't as social as I should have been...AND I had a bit of an oops by telling some young ladies the advice my mother gave me growing up-- in front of my mother in law--"my mom told me not to get married until you're at least 30 (which she was fine with...). She also said you should sleep with them first. (she didn't like that so much.) Oops. I wasn't talking to any virgins that I know of at the time. Maybe she was upset because one of the girls is sleeping with her youngest son--she's not thrilled about that. I wasn't encouraging teen sex! I was encouraging sex before marriage...that's different.

Least to say, I'm not sure I was a huge hit.

I saw a film today...oh boy...

The Today Show had "lost footage" of the 1984 MJ Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire...it was awful. "They" say that is when his life turned for the worse. The pain he must have felt...seems it turned him on to prescription drugs. I had a burn on my hand in college and it was one of the worst pains I've ever had. I can't imagine if it was on my scalp. Just awful. It's something each day...he died on June 24th, I think...and it's going to be weeks and weeks of news.

Speaking about another thing that I've been thinking about this week--Jason and I witnessed a duck being hit on Saturday. It was pouring rain on Jackson road and the car didn't see the little guy. I turned around and saw him fluttering around while his 7 bros and sisters came out to help him--this caused me to literally fall apart and I bawled for a good 15 minutes. Jason (my hero), got out in the rain and moved the duck out of the road to safety. He stood by him to see if he was ok and I called around to different animal hospitals to see if they could take him--to no avail really. I did get a hold of one lady who said to put him into a box. The duck regained consciousness and waddled (pretty quickly) across the street into some bushes. Jason and I went home, found a box and came back to see if we could help him further. Jason was soaked through...and very concerned about mr. duck. (this is an image I will file away to tell his child) When we got back, the lady who owned the property said that she'd raised the ducks since they were ducklings and she'd watch after him.

We talked about mr. duck for the rest of the weekend...wondering if he was ok. It's sad to see something so helpless. But on a happier note, it's great to see the guy you love go above and beyond what most people would do. What a fine guy I have.

This weekend is blueberry picking time!! I'll try to get some good picks. I need a nice blueberry muffin recipe!

Makes me want to scream...

The news is still swirling around MJ. Unreal. I taped the funeral, watched it and cried. I guess some would say it is odd to feel so much emotion for someone you didn't know. I remember finding out when Princess Diana died. I immediately started bawling...I remember as a little girl watching her get married. I was 6 I think. It's the loss of a certain presence in the world that is sad to me. The music of MJ will live on, but there will be no more new music. Dustin and I discussed how we'll deal with the loss of Reba or Paul. (It won't be pretty.) This may seem totally ridiculous to some, but Paul McCartney has been a constant in my life for a long time. At times, The Beatles music/movies was the only thing that could raise my spirits. Am I worshipping them? I don't think so. They've always just been my thing...somewhere I could go to feel better. It has changed over the years. As a teen, I was a bit obsessed. Now, I have other things in my life that make me happy just as much...but the idea that Paul is out there is comforting. (ok, maybe this does sound a bit odd...)

The point I'm trying to make is that so many felt that way about Michael...I love his music and I never believed the crap--just felt sorry for him, it was obvious he needed someone to take care of him. The fact that he's leaving such young children is heartbreaking. Will these kids ever have normal lives? The press will surely follow them just as much. Hopefully they will be surrounded by family and loved.

I'm tired today...had to snooze a bit at lunch and it made my lunch run long...oops. No one really seemed to notice. Baby is sucking up all of my energy. My ultrasound was changed, so now I find out on July 29th as to whether baby V is a girl or boy. If it is a boy, I'm sure I'll hear the hoops and hollers from Cleveland all the way here. :)

A Love Supreme

Finally! A baby bump appeared over the weekend! It seemed to grow overnight. It was the mountain air!! We spent the long weekend in the Adirondacks. I could live in Lake Placid. I loved the town. Not sure what I would do for a job...maybe work in a bookstore. Jason could work from home...

I'm exhausted today! Last night I got home, took a shower and crashed. When will the fatigue end? Mandi called today...she's having a boy!! I find out in 3 weeks. I can't wait. I feel like it's a boy, not that I know what that feels like...but it's just a feeling.

It's been raining every day for days. It makes the trees very green and the flowers stay pretty,but man...it gets tiring. The mountains were rainy and cool--still beautiful. It didn't affect our stay at all. Having a cabin helped. I love to tent, but worrying about tent leaks are a pain.

I can feel the baby move now. That is a crazy feeling! It's like they are wanting to communicate with you somehow. Baby V likes Michael Jackson songs I found out...and John Coltrane. Good taste.

Missed Connections

The weekend in Chicago was nice. The weather was perfect. The wedding, funky and romantic. It's a hard place to catch up with people though, so I was disappointed that I didn't even talk to some people...I'm more of a one on one person and in a group, unless there is a space next to someone, it's hard for me to yank someone away from a group. Plus, I got tired at about 9pm, which is pathetic and probably seemed to make me even more anti-social. A group was meeting the next day (which would've been perfect!) but we'd already made flight arrangements to leave in the afternoon. So...although fun to see people, I missed really getting to talk to them.

It seems as we get older and people spread out...the time of real connection is so limited. I am not used to that. I like to sit and talk to people about their lives and have them feel listened to. I guess I'm having an Our Town moment--"why don't we look at each other??" Everyone gets so busy...and life just takes off. I miss the times when it is slow and people are able to talk about every day things...that's where friendships are strengthened. It's hard for some to connect on the phone--though, not hard for me. My girlfriends are spread out everywhere and it just depends on if they are phone people or not. Maybe I should write a letter or something...a card...just to try another avenue. I think I will. I hate losing touch with people...it bothers me.

So, just a little shout out...Kelly, I missed talking to you at the wedding...hope you are doing well.

Get to leave early...that puts me in a good mood. We leave to Chicago tonight around 6ish. Dustin is picking us up and then off to Flat Top, YUM!!! Hopefully the weekend will be a nice one-weather wise. We're staying with Jeremy P and will spend Saturday doing whatever until the wedding. I can't wait for that! I haven't been to a wedding in a while and this one should prove to be laid back and a ton of fun. We haven't seen our friends for almost 9 months...ugh. We won't be able to make it to the burbs to see other friends...so it feels as if we're in for a secret weekend. I hate that, but there isn't time. If it weren't for the wedding, we wouldn't be coming at all. It will be a great time. I got a dress the other night...very plain, but J really liked it. He's great to shop with actually. If he likes something, he goes overboard sharing his praise...if he doesn't, he never says he doesn't, he just says, "It doesn't really do anything for me...but you still look good." That's code for, "let's look elswhere."

So, yesterday, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcet died. Unreal. I knew Farrah was close...she'd had a long battle. Michael was a surprise....and the media was all over it. It dominated most stations. He was only 50. I have a lot of thoughts about Michael...and whom others call Whacko Jacko (which I hate)--but I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it right now. I will say that he seemed frozen in time...at 10 years old...and that all of his money made him a target and untouchable. He needed thereapy--obviously. He needed to grow up...but something seemed to happen to him, not sure I want to know what would cause him to be so emotionally stunted. I don't believe he hurt anyone, I do believe he didn't understand why having friends 30 years younger was a problem. But, it was. I hope he is remembered for his music. I love his music. I hope all the rest will be outshined by all the good.

We should all try to remember the good in others...if possible, I think.

Rants

It's upsetting when something at work angers you for the entire day. I hate that. I need to Zen out and realize that it shouldn't matter. And it's dumb stuff...and it's other people affecting my mood--people I don't live with or who even think of me outside of the work day. I am easily irritated these days. Is it just part of it? I wonder.

May Sarton writes about coming into contact with other people feeling like a car crash. She, too, is too affected by other people who shouldn't. She's a terrific author...if you haven't heard of her, you should look her up.

It's pouring out. After a hot day, it's nice for it to just rain and clean the air. But, I forgot my umbrella...and I hate being wet.

Chicago

Today has been a bit tiresome, but I'm getting better. Morning sickness hit me with a vengeance today!! When the hell will it leave me alone? I ate fruit and yogurt this morning...guess baby isn't a fan. (REALLY isn't a fan!!)

I'm looking forward to the weekend...I love when you have something to look forward to that pulls you through!! We land in Chicago on Friday night and are immediately going to eat Flat Top, my fave food. I will say, although I love it here...Chicago has good food...and good people...and I'm looking forward to catching up with both.

I haven't seen my friends since I moved...and I'm emotional and I just don't want to be a FREAK and start crying when I see them. (I do this.) But, they'll forgive me, I'm sure... I do a good job of compartmentalizing things so that I don't sit around missing people. Not that I'm cold, I just am too attached and literally will work myself into a funk. But, then when I see people, it all comes rushing forward and spills out. There are worse things than people knowing how you feel about them.

Jack?

So, a man that is new to the company--yesterday in fact, just told me that I am going to have a boy. I hadn't even told him I was pregnant yet. Interesting. He said he's been 95% accurate and made over 400 predictions.

I've always felt it was a boy...but we'll find out soon enough.

House

Well, we're amidst the bid process on our house...and we hit the 2nd trimester this week. YAY! Hopefully by tomorrow noon, we'll have a new place to call home. It's an exciting time...but stressful. I feel very part of a team. Team Vidmar against the world...we're just out here making tons of a decisions -just the two of us. It's a nice bonding time for us.

My pants are starting to get tight, but I'm still under weight. I'm hoping this will be my first week without throwing up. Last week was awful...today...iffy. We'll see.

I'm so nervous about the house, I can barely think of anything else...if it works out, I'll write more and post pics!

Send good thoughts.

Slow down, you're movin' too fast....

Today is the first day this week without being sick! YAY! I feel good. We're looking at a house tonight, I'm excited. I never really thought about houses much...course, for some reason, I never thought about a family either. Growing up, I envisioned myself alone in some cool part of the world. Later, I thought about kids...yet, a husband I was still not thinking too much about. Now, with Jason and baby on the way, I am starting to piece it all together. I want the baby to grow up in a happy house...something close to nature where he/she can hear the birds chirping in the morning and the crickets at night. Being from a small town...I loved that stuff. I loved being able to see the stars and being able to safely walk around town or ride my bike. I went by the house at noon just to see the neighborhood. It's quiet with TONS of mature trees...I love it. It's hard not to put the cart before the horse...Jason slows me down quite a bit. He's slow to make decisions...thinking over everything. I'm more spontaneous...I imagine a house isn't something to make a quick leap to. I get anxious about others out bidding us...in some weird way, taking my day dreams away from me. That's ridiculous.

I need to relax...and trust that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure I truly believe that, but the idea keeps me from beating myself up.

June 4th

So, today is our 2nd anniversary and I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Good day! AND I didn't take a nap at lunch, but instead, cleaned the apt. (This is a happy thing as well.) Of course, I'm a bit tired now, but that's ok. Jason's been working a ton lately and is exhausted. We're headed to Cleveland this weekend so we'll celebrate our anniversary next weekend. He says he has it all planned out. I'll say he has it thought out, not planned out. :) We're also looking at houses--or have started the search. Our dream house of the week was under contract, but came back on the market yesterday! YAY! So, hopefully we'll be able to pounce on it. We need to work fast though, I have a feeling it's pretty popular.

Random--the Brach's MilkMaid Royals...love those things...I just found them in the grocery store this week and am pigging out on them. I'd feel guilty but I lost 3 lbs from last month and so I need to gain some weight back. I really need to start walking! Maybe the weight loss is actually just me losing muscle. Gross.

2 years ago I was on a cruise ship. A year ago I was in NYC. Today, I'm at work. Yuck. The most exciting thing I can think of to do tonight is go see a movie. Maybe Angels and Demons...how romantic.

It's been a while

Honestly because my life has been a bit focused on other things and I didn't know how to blog about it...because I hadn't told a ton of people and because it's probably rude for people to find out on a blog rather than being told. hmmmm. I'll just say this then...I haven't blogged due to the fact that when I get home I'm immediately on the couch sleeping or trying to ignore the fact that I'm going to throw up soon. I throw up a lot...and I sleep a lot. And it's all tiring and for me to think about writing on here...I almost can't manage. Mostly because I'm a huge wimp when it comes to being sick. I hate feeling nauseous...HATE IT!! Throwing up isn't too far after. But...tomorrow will be 12 weeks and that's a mini milestone! :) YAY! Haven't thought too much in the future--except we're ready to look for a house finally. Neither of us really cared...and then suddenly, we want more space. I'm excited for all the new things to come...and will eventually start writing more regularly...eventually.

Things that make me homesick.

smelling freshly cut grass--Hearing a lawn mower in the distance
hearing a basketball bouncing on pavement
the sound of track meets--annoucements over the loud speaker
crickets and frogs at night
the smell of coppertone
anything from U2 War
smell of hot black top
a car scratching it's bumper on a dip
track spikes on cement
(i loved track season...i wasn't any good, but my friends were)
gym shoes squeaking on a gym floor
the squeaking of a swing set
the smell of gasoline
fireflies
the smell of noxema
burning leaves
the sound of a boat engine taking in some water
(i miss the lake)
the sound of a tent zipper

I can hear all the sounds of my grandparents' houses...the doors when they opened and shut...everything. Also...the sounds of St. John...the whistle is a big one. I can hear so many things I grew up listening to. It's amazing. Life used to be so simple.

the day that should have been

(for Jen)

I wake up at 7am...filled with energy and a good feeling about the day. I cleaned the apt last night, so now I can relish in the cleanliness of it! Jason set the coffee to brew and I can smell it throughout the house. It's sunny. It's warm. I'm not in the least bit fatigued and sit down to finally read a book on the couch...

That's the start. Unfortunately, it's now how today is going and I'm exhausted...so I'll have to write more of it later. How sad!!

Sounds of Silence

It's Friday and people are leaving early from the office. Oh, how I wish I were too. I have an hour left. A group of us are going to see Wolverine tonight. I love Hugh...he's amazing to watch. I wish Wolverine could do a little sing and dance routine, but maybe that's not really in his character. There's something about a man who can really entertain--whether it be singing, dancing, playing an instrument...or even tell great jokes. The multi talented stars are fading. The days of an actor being able to do it all seem to be left to black and white. Sure, we have some...but it seems that beauty dominates over anything else--even talent. That's too bad. Even the radio had constant crap on it. I rarely listen to new music...I have a few that I do--but mostly, not. I love listening to my Pauls--McCartney and Simon. They always center me somehow. Silly maybe.

This weekend our goal is to do a lot of cleaning and relaxing. Can't wait. There's nothing like cleaning the crap out of your place and then just relaxing in the Pledge fumes. (Maybe that's only me??)

My purse

I can't think of what to write about, so Kortney suggested I talk about what's in my purse. I suppose it could say a lot about a person...however, I switch purses constantly, so I keep a pretty light load.

1. Sunglasses
2. Umbrella (most of the time it's in the car...but I heard it's going to rain at 4pm)
3. 1/4 bag of Skittles
4. 5 different kinds of lipstick/gloss.
5. travel toothbrush (from the weekend)
6. Banana Boat sublock--30.
7. RGE and Oakmonte bills
8. a hairband
9. two moist towletts from a wings place we ate at in Buffalo last Friday.
10. my change purse
11. ipod with headphones
12. Tylenol
13. old receipts crumpled at the bottom
14. Floss.

Kind of boring...not sure you can tell too much about me. hmmm.

Tuesday

I'm forcing Spring weather today by wearing a skirt even though it's only in the 50s. The sun is out...and that's enough. It was 80 this past weekend...why can't it just stick around?? We've messed with the environment and now it messes with us.

The trees are in bloom here. I love the little white blossoms that make all the trees so pretty around here. And the flowers have bloomed outside of our apartment. Somewhere, Bambi and his friends are running around the forest talking about Spring and all that occurs--Feline will soon be in the picture. (I find it funny that I relate most things in life to a movie--as if it is a memory of my own...or a reality from my childhood.) Spring always reminds me of Bambi.

I have so much on my mind, but I can't write about it yet. Soon....

Cold

It's still cold out. And today it's raining. (As it did yesterday and the day before) However--we'll have warmer weather tomorrow, but I'm leaving. J and I are headed to South Beach with Angie and Mike. It will be nice to have a new perspective--trips always do that to me. I remember going abroad my first (and only) time. It was amazing. I was so happy. I realized how small my life was. Meaning--there's life out there!! It really is amazing when you think of ALL the different life sources out there...all living totally different lives...all breathing air...all being heated by the same sun. That's mind blowing. Plus, all the new life that is born every day! All the personalities and ideas. If the world was a place where all those ideas were used for good and not evil--what a place we could live in.

I woke up to the news of the Craig's List killer. He looks like someone I would've gone to high school with. He looks harmless. It's scary. I realize people said this of Ted Bundy...but that was before my time. This guy, Phillip Markoff, is someone I would've talked to in a bar or would've someone from who I'd ask directions. That's someone's son. That's what's awful. He was an innocent baby...who later killed someone else's innocent baby. I just don't understand. With that news and the Sunday school teacher who killed the little girl who was friends with her daughter--it makes me want to not watch the news!!

However, waking up to Matt Lauer is a great start to any day...no matter what the news.

Oh the times...they are a changin....

I have an excuse for being a bad blogger--been sick. Feeling a bit better today, but have been sleeping a lot and staying away from the computer. Struggling a bit as I write this...just wanting to retreat to my couch at home.

May will be a good month. April brought many showers, so the flowers should be up and happy. The temps should be finally getting up there too. This weekend...80 degrees!! Course, we'll be gone. We're headed to South Beach Florida with Angie and Mike. I'm looking forward to it--just hope I'm feeling better. As I was driving to work today, I felt a great sense of peace. Webster may not be everyone's cup of tea--but Jason and I are really enjoying it. It's quiet here. It's pretty. It's calming. Chicago was almost too cool for me. The hustle and bustle got to me. I really think we're going to enjoy visiting! We're going back in June for a wedding. I'm so excited to see everyone again. It's been such a long time. It's possible that the only people that will visit us are our closest of friends and family. We may have to go visit others before they'd come here. That's ok. I understand. Although--I do feel that we offer a lot and we're so close to a lot of things. Camping season is almost upon us...that's when the lack of friends here will become extremely apparent.

So many things to look forward to. I'm happy.

Put 'em up!

I hate confrontations. I'm not sure when that happened. As a kid, it seemed I thrived on them...even into my early 20s. But now, maybe it's maturity, I avoid them as long as possible. I'm horribly passive aggressive. It's not healthy. Even hours (or days) after a fight--even when things are ok--I'm still upset. The nerve I had as a kid. But I see those with no filter, that cause great interruptions at certain times and I'm immediately put off. There is a time and place for things, but usually, I avoid that time and place. I used to seek it out. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand door mats either! It's a very fine line. I love strength in women...I love when they are able to stand up for themselves. I don't do that as much as I should. That is something I definitely need to work on.

I had a mini-fight this morning and I'm still reeling from it. I just want to go home and crawl in bed.

There is a balance I need to find that will make me a strong, well spoken woman. People will know how not to talk to me and I will be able to express myself to them without my heart beating out of my throat.

Going Postal

Just a quick observation. I find myself at the post office a couple of times a week. I have to mail expense reports, etc. And no matter how long the line--it seems people ALWAYS seem to make some snide comment about the person being currently helped. For some reason, people always feel that their time is more precious than the one in front of them. It's just rude. This bugs me along with the men that give the mothers dirty looks. Kids are hanging off of them, chirping away and wondering how long they'll be there and the men just get irritated. I'm sure if these women had a better place for their kids to be, they wouldn't drag them in there. I'm just frustrated. EVERY time some asshole has a comment. I just want to yell, "And your time is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE!!!" I can't wait until I have the nerve to do it.

Kendra

I met Kendra when she was 3 days old. I had a Poloroid taken of us and I kept it in my car forever. I was instantly in love with her. I came home from college almost every weekend to see her. Ugh. I remember thinking that I wasn't sure I could have my own kids because I wasn't sure I'd love them as much. (I was 20) Today...that little girl is 14! I just can't believe it. I used to bath her in the sink with Becky--Baby Baby Bathtime. So cute. Now she has to deal with mean girls and "cute" boys. Unreal. I look forward to the woman she'll become. She loves Broadway musicals and movies--very much like her mother and grandmother. She's tall and beautiful and has braces. I would've killed to look like her in 7th grade! So many things to look forward to and experience. I envy her...and I don't. At least she'll have a very blunt Aunt to help guide her through the madness!

Walking Zombies

More people arrived in our office on Monday. More People, More Problems. I realize that's not the song, but it's my life. Everyone is very nice, but demanding. They are all over worked, over tired, (probably under paid) and dealing with hard deadlines. I feel for them. I told Wendy I felt like I was running an entire office of DDC employed Jason Vidmars. What an insane time that was for him. I realize though, that the dark circled eyes of the people around my office does not remind me of the Rochester Jason. Chicago Jason, yes. Although still a bit stressed from time to time, he no longer sleeps at work...or has 100 hour weeks. I wouldn't be able to do it. I'll never have the big bucks--I require too much sleep. I'm just wired differently. I never pulled all-nighters in college either. My friends did. I used to stay up all night at sleep overs as a kid, but I'd be asleep the entire next day--I remember feeling as if I'd wasted my weekend.

I need to be careful not to become a mother hen. However, everyone has their limit...and it seems that some companies push people to reach it not matter what. Unrealistic deadlines. I feel that's a big component.

I just heard people discussing whether they could sleep in here or not. I just can't imagine. Of course, mothers have sleepless nights all of the time--they pull the same kind of hours.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I haven't been able to write. Work has been busy (not that I'm complaining) and when I get home, I just want to be as far away from a computer as possible. Plus, I've been struggling with what to write about. I could try stream of consciousness, but maybe that would be a complete bore. I have frustrations, but that could be boring to discuss.

But I will anyway.

BIG Businesses annoy me. In my smaller offices, getting a phone, adding software to my computer, even getting a light changed was a simple process. Here, you have to call into a help desk and fill out a ton of forms for anything! I miss the days of the IT guy showing up at my desk and just installing whatever I need. Also, I'm doing it for 45 people. I'm dealing with it right now and it's making for a very long day. See, I told you it would be boring.

The Rules

1. open all candy before the movie.
2. please close your mouth when you eat popcorn.
3. It's not a place to hang out with your teen friends...go to the mall.
4. Whisper means usually only 2 people can hear what you're saying.
5. If you giggle during sex scenes, you might be too young to see them.

Went to the movies--saw Knowing. It was entertaining, but we sat next to a group of about 10 tweens. Jason and I are too polite to say something. Man, could've used either Dustin or Amanda to shut them up!!

Love Bites

Well, it's rainy today, but I feel better. Although yesterday it was sunny and 61, it's Friday today, so that trumps it.

In the news--Madonna was denied her adoption. Interesting. She's put in tons of money for building a school and towards an orphanage in South Africa. Unfortunately, that was used against her as some felt that due to those advantages, the 4 year old girl would be better taken care of. Most likely she'll fight it. I want to adopt. I wouldn't mind starting the process now. Hopefully that's something that will eventually happen.

I've been having horrible dreams. 2 nights ago I dreamt that my father died. I cried all night it seemed. Michael had told me the story of her father dying that day, that's most likely where I got that. It still spurred me to write Dad and tell him I love him. Then, last night, I dreamt about my first love, Jay. I dream about him more than any guy I've dated....probably because he created my standard of romantic love. He was so young...I was younger. I loved the fierce passion he had for me and how incredibly romantic he was. (Of course, with fierce passion can come jealousy and such, but we dealt with that.) The poems and flowers and constant crazy acts of love have been unparalleled. It might have ruined me actually. Most men aren't as romantic. (though I have run into one more who was) It sets expectations too high. At times, I do believe Jay created a monster...but I'll live with that. I'm a passionate girl. Most blame it on my movie watching, but I don't. I think it's in your blood. You are born with it. It's a gift and it's inspiring. I don't think all of that has to be because you're young--I believe it can live as long as you do. People seek it out. Whether they know it or not, I believe we yearn for it--it just makes life sweeter and more vivid. That's why The Notebook was so successful! And why there are so many movies and songs dealing with first love...passionate love...even love that is scandalous. My favorite movie has scandalous love...The English Patient. I love the passion and the torture. That sounds masochistic. However, even if K wasn't married, I would still love the movie, although, it is a lot of the plot. I loved The Notebook --as cheesy as it is. He so reminds me Jay...and watching it just takes me back. Ugh. So good!!

The one episode of Thirtysomething that stuck with me was when Hope learns of the death of her first love...it really hits her hard. She spends days thinking of how young they were and how she used to feel. All of those emotions are so strong--especially when you are discovering them. It's like nothing else. My niece is going to be 14 soon. It could happen to her in the next couple of years...wow. I'm not talk about sex, but just the overwhelming feelings she'll have. I'm excited for her.

Ok, so dreams may affect me too much.

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Time Goes By.....So Slowly!!

Last night wasn't good--hence the fact I didn't write. I do pretty well, but every now and again, it hits me. I'm horribly exhausted, I can't get off the couch to do a thing, I'm overly concerned about everything in my life and I freak out a bit about all of it. I went home and started watching all of my DVR'd shows. When I got to the second episode of West Wing, I couldn't stay awake--I think it was 9something. Dustin woke me up later to talk, I'm sure I sounded like a crazy woman, but he listened and didn't make me feel crazy--but validated. I called Joan (my therapist of the past 6 years) and made an appt for today at 6pm. I haven't talked to her since we moved and it's time. I have a lot on my mind. Instead of the angel and devil on each shoulder, I just want a teeny-tiny Joan sitting on one side advising me to do each thing I question. She'd coach me during family gatherings and airplane rides, particularly. I could put her in a box at night so she could sleep. Ok, that's weird. I think I'm PMSing. (damn)

In the news...Madonna wants to adopt another baby from South Africa. People are giving her hell for it. Ridiculous. She wants another child to love and provide for, let her do it. Are there children in the US to adopt, yes. However, wherever the child is from...it doesn't matter, it's a child--a person of the world. Between she and Angelina--let them provide for as many as possible if they have the time, heart and the money. The world is struggling to provide...so who cares who does it?!!

I haven't seen any movies lately. I'm going through withdrawal.

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