Damn.

There are two couples of friends that took me in during two difficult times of trouble. The first couple, who I lived with in Cincinnati, now live in KC with their four children and are going strong. The other couple that I lived with in Chicago, I learned this past weekend, is getting divorced. I was in such shock in hearing the news that I've thought of little else since. Because I lived with them, I felt like a part of my family was breaking up. They took care of me in a lot of ways. They looked past a lot of crap and tried to help a friend. It's a permanent part of my history that they helped me and I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for either couple. It's not even that we talk often or that I see them often...it's just the fact that they were out there. Learning of a divorce now that I'm married feels differently than before. I've had two friends that have gone through it and are much better for it. It's just that this seems so sudden--of course I'm on the outside looking in. It reminded me of the movie, "The Four Seasons." You have a central couple that are a big part of a group of friends--and then they don't work out...it causes a ripple effect and everyone feels it. Everyone is shocked and saddened. Everyone has opinions and worries. They are a part of a bigger picture and selfishly, friends don't like when the picture is flawed. My first instinct is to ask every question possible--I want to understand everything. (As if I'm the only one affected.) The real life part of this is that neither party has the answers. They have feelings and questions and are hurting, too. Divorce affects everyone around you. Jason and I were just talking about the fact that we are still (and will always) deal with the repercussions of our parents' divorce. We still have to deal with holiday crap and how much time is spent. We have to deal with pictures around the house and make sure not one family is shown more than the other. We have to deal with the amount of time Z spends with each. It's a nightmare. And when friends separate--it's "who do we invite?" No one wants anyone to be uncomfortable. And everyone loves them both...and they just want it all to be the way it was. Ugh.
You start to look at your own marriage as well. You question the stability. You get scared thinking this is a possibility. Marriage is hard. It becomes more and more apparent that communication is the key.
I'm just more than bummed. I'm sad and mad and then sad again. There are no words to help either of them. It's just shitty and we'll all just have to be kind to both and hope life after will get better.

But for now...it just sucks.

Missed opportunities

So, I know it seems that I'm depressed and too reflective, but it's not true. I'm reflective...it's fall...and I get reflective in the fall. Seeing the leaves turn and fall to the ground makes me think about past lives. It's a tricky thing to think about. I love my life now and I love where I am and who I am with. Yet, the nagging of my inner being persists. I don't feel nearly as interesting as I'd like to feel. I know the steps I need to take in the short term. They are hard for me. Ok, I need to stop watching so much damn TV. I need to read more. I need to get outside at least once a day for a walk. I need to write more about things I'm learning about rather than things I regret. So, October is going to be my "things I learned today" blog. I'm enrolling myself into a class of Wikipedia and Internet searches while Z sleeps. I'm going to write down a list of things I'd like to learn more about or just know in general and research them for one day. My mind is starting to wilt. I can feel it. The weather is going to be beautiful and inspiring and it's time to be out in it! I had choices in the past...to either go the easy route or go the route that would make myself more interesting. I chose the wrong path several times. I did move to Chicago- a plus. I moved to Cincinnati for a short time- a plus. I hung out with smart and amazing people--good choice! I married intellect and kindness (and he just happens to be hot...but that was a bonus)--good choice! But all that has to do with the outside self. Now, I need to make some internal choices. I need to start beaming from the inside out. Right now...I feel dim. I hate it. I don't want Z to detect it, so I need to nip it in the bud now. I can't stand whining and I am doing it a lot. Time to stop.

Unsolicited.

I often give advice to Z as she takes a bath. It normally comes from whatever is on my mind that day. Today, after browsing a friends amazing portfolio, this came to mind:

I think one of my biggest suggestions for you is to let love find you. Don't seek it out. Don't make it your reason for being. Yes, movies make it seem as if it's the most amazing thing, but don't believe it. It is ONE amazing thing in a whole world of amazing things. I wasted a lot of my youth on focusing on it, and only it. That was my issue. I loved well and was loved well, but I didn't look for what was inside of me. What were my passions that didn't involve a man? It can easily be confused. Also, if and when you feel lost, don't cling to others' dreams. The best love will come to you after you've made yourself into the person you'd like to be. I know this is what everyone says. "Don't look for it." I know. And you won't do this. You will fall in love the first chance you get. You will think it's everything. And you will be right...it is everything to you at that moment. Life is full of moments where the most important thing is always in front of you. Most often times, it's somewhere else. This is a bunch of crap, honey. You'll go through life and often wonder "what if..." What if you'd pursued that passion or if you'd been brave enough to go somewhere different. What if you hadn't dated this person. What if you had tried harder. What if you'd listened to everyone around you. And you'll feel at 35 that your life is behind you. That's ridiculous. Make something of the things around you. You are the best thing I made. Your daddy is the best decision I made. Now...I just need to make some internal decisions in order to feel I'm a good example to you. All of this sounds so damn Hallmarky. I'm going to try to not control you and not be down on high school boyfriends or when you want to be so in love you can't think straight. I will try to understand young lust. I will try to understand your romantic heart, but know that I want more than great love and great sex for you. I want you to feel fulfilled. I want you to know that you stand on your own. That you will add to someone's life and not be completed by it.

You will most likely feel lost a lot in your life. I feel lost a lot. I have no idea what to look for, but it is for sure that I'm missing it. I have so much and yet I feel like I've misplaced something.

What the hell is it?

Romance was in the air.

I am still somewhat recouping from my quick KS weekend. It was nice to see Dustin and talk and talk and talk. It was great to go to a romantic wedding and see my friend so happy. It really was romantic--the setting was a KS country side with a beautiful barn and sunset in the background. Kansas sunsets are really amazing. It just seemed to signify so much about that moment. They were combining their families and have so much to look forward to. What a night.
I am still scratching my chigger bites, but it's a nice memory. They cried as they said their vows and smiled and laughed the rest of the night. Happiness is a good thing. I did get a lot of odd looks as Dustin and I walked around. When introducing him I said, "This is my date, Dustin...I left Jason at home." For the clueless I looked like a cheating whore. For the ones in the know, Dustin, my dear (gay) friend was escorting me on a "girl's" weekend. Let those judgmental bastards think what they will.
It was nice to get away and feel the pangs of missing my own family. We so easily take them for granted. (I should say "I") I missed my husband so much that I laid awake wanting to call him and finally texted him EARLY in the morning. He called me back. :) I missed Zoë horribly. I saw a baby at the wedding and walked up to this total stranger to ask if I could hold him. I picked him up and smelled his head and almost broke into tears. My heart was heavy and I just wanted to go home and sit with my little one. It was a nice way to feel in a way. If I'd spent the entire weekend dreading my return, I'd be worried. Instead, I had a lump in my throat when, sitting at the Atlanta airport, they told me that my flight would be 2 hours delayed and I wouldn't get back home until 2am. UGH. It was awful. I had my Itouch, so I watched The Big Chill and When Harry Met Sally to bide my time.
Well, it's nice to be home. Rochester is chilly and the trees are starting to turn. Ahhhh. Fall. It happens tomorrow!

Here's a pic of the blissful couple.

Too tired to write anything too interesting.

Tomorrow I leave Z for the first time. I'll be flying to Kansas to meet Dustin for Kortney's wedding. We'll have girl time with lots of talking and laughing. I've already cried today--twice. She'll be fine. Jason will head to Cleveland and she'll be surrounded by doting family. I'm tired tonight. I'm looking forward to the weekend with friends and the ability to sleep in, but the Fall makes me a bit of a homebody. When it's cool out, I just want to keep the house warm and tidy and be under a blanket. The fireplace will soon have a glow and FINALLY my shows will come out of their summer slumber with new episodes! I wish I could be cool and say that I curl up with a book every chance I get, but that's just not true. I curl up with my DVR. It makes me happy. I'll read when I have the brain cells and when I'm not too tired to concentrate on each sentence. I read before bed--bad habit.
Without much to say, I have to cut this short. I could ramble on into some strange string of thought, but I will spare you. I should head down to pack. However, I just might relax on the couch for a bit longer.

The thunder shakes the house a bit.

J is out on business. He gets home tomorrow. We went to Cleveland over the weekend to help with the last push of moving his parents out of their home. The new place is still being finished but it's getting closer. It's been hard on them. They raised their family in that house and now are moving on. They have a grandchild now. Times are changing...and rapidly rushing past us. Z is growing so quickly. I just watched Mad Men and ended it in tears when Don picks up his 2 year old boy to say Happy Birthday. I miss my baby. She seems so much like a little girl now. She'll be walking soon and I'll be thrilled but missing the little one I brought home. (THIS is why people keeping having babies.) If I could right now, I'd get pg again. I'm 35. I know people are having children later and later. I don't want to be "too old" to understand things in her life. It'll be my job to keep my mind young and to keep remembering what it was like to grow up. Leila, J's step mom told me she wouldn't want to raise a child in the world we are in today. Well, I can understand that. The technology alone scares me. Will our kids know what a newspaper is? Will they still read books? Will their even be bookstores when she's a teenager? Barnes and Noble doesn't seem to think so. That's so sad to me.
Today is cloudy. It rained this morning and I woke up late. I could hear the rain outside and the wind blowing the trees. I just wanted to stay in bed. It's a dark day, perfect for resting and cleaning up here and there. Z and I went to story time at 10. I made myself get out of the house for fear I would shove us both under the covers all day. She's exhausted. Her aunts kept her up playing all weekend. They love her. But now she's whiny and can't quite get herself together. Hopefully this nap will help.
There's not much to say today. I might spend it checking off things from my list. Or, I might just sit here and watch video after video of my little girl when I first met her. It's such a wondrous time to look back on. I look forward to the woman but I've loved the time spent watching her move through her days learning. We have much to learn from each other.

Purge

It seems that watching Hoarders does affect people. I've been wandering around Blog World and I can see people referencing it and having garage sales. We need to do the same. At this point, it would be pretty small. I'm going to see if Jason is up for it. We have things that we just need to purge, yes...but some things would be really helpful to others. J's parents are moving out of their BIG house they've lived in for around 20 years or so and into the cottage in the backyard. They used to rent this space out. Least to say they are downsizing. We've upsized a lot in the past few years. Getting our own home has been great. I love my house. I have an email when I found it online and sent it to Jason with the subject line, "This is our house!" Most people really look around when they buy. We looked at 2. We saw this one and wanted it and just looked at another one to say we did. It's not perfect. In fact, most would walk through and say how outdated it is. Oh, yes...it is. It was built in 74 and it mostly looks like time stood still. There are no hardwood floors. The kitchen is a nightmare. The bedrooms are small. But, it has great character. I don't want to fill it up with stuff. It's hard when you want to decorate. I just keep adding and not subtracting! So, I'm going to clean out my closet tonight of ALL unNEEDED clothes. Unwanted wouldn't be the right thing to write. I hold onto things because I'm sentimental. Also, I have that "I could fit into this again one day" delusion. I need to accept that this is how people end up with WAYYYY too much shit in their homes. The people on Hoarders aren't bad people. A lot of times it's because they've lost someone or they are lonely or because they are mentally ill. There is a reason to hold onto things you that you obviously need to get rid of. Life moves so quickly that people hold on to things to slow it down. We want to remember. We want to think of good times. We also don't want to waste. "I'll use that one day..." I don't want to go to the extreme of making our house look sparse and cold. I want it to be warm. But I don't want my daughter to pick up some embarrassingly short skirt and say, "Oh my GAWD! You WORE this???" Yeah, a pretty low moment. It's time to get rid of the evidence!

a snowflake in a blizzard.

I wish the weather was just cool enough so the lawn would stop growing. I don't mind mowing it, it's just about finding the time to do so. The day is cloudy and a little dreary. I reorganized my bedroom closet and the one in the foyer. Z is tired today, but doesn't really want to take a long nap for fear she'll miss something. I'm tired, too. I keep staying up later to have "me" time and it backfires the next day. I wish I wasn't someone who requires so much sleep, but I am. Jason hates it when I go to bed early. He is a night owl. I've never been one. My family always got up early to get things done. If you slept in, you missed something. If you slept in, you missed going fishing with Grandpa, or watching Grandma make a pie, or sit by Dad as he reads the paper or get in on the daily plans. Z must be like me. I never want to "miss out." There are a lot of thoughts that go into that, but I don't have the energy to go into it. I'm going to make some banana bread tonight and try to blog more later. I just thought I'd write and say that I'm aware of the ending of summer and beginning of fall. We're in no man's land right now. The summer plans are over. The holidays are coming. The cold is on its way and Z is all the time getting older. She'll be 1 in a few months. I'm sort of sad. She's about to walk. What the hell happened? Time keeps moving forward and I'm glad it does, but I'll miss the "baby" and having her be so dependent on me. I see the trees out there with their green leaves. The ends of them are starting to go yellow and soon will fall. They'll be naked soon. They'll lose what made them pretty. What an experience it's been. Now, to try to teach her to be brave and that it's ok to grow up and then, one day go out on her own. It's selfish to want her to always need me. If I do it right, she'll be self sufficient. But, maybe she'll still call me when her feelings are hurt and she wants to know that all will be ok. I'll do my best when she ditches me to be with her friends or when she doesn't enjoy our time together as she once did. One day, it will turn around. She will need me again. She will want to know my thoughts and she will feel that she can depend on my honesty.

Look what happens when I watch a couple episodes of Felicity.

Reality dictates Life?

So, I'm not into fashion, I just like to live in their world a bit. I don't even know how to sew. I think I could create outfits...actually, no I don't. But, I do enjoy seeing the clothes and the creativity of others. There are BIG issues in the world, yes. Fashion seems, well, shallow. It's an escape and I am in to escapism.
I look out my window and I see my beautiful hanging flowers sagging. They will be dead for the season soon. Ugh. I'll have to get some pumpkins to decorate maybe. I like to see color. The trees will turn soon and that will be nice. I did have to do my first fall clean up yesterday. I raked about 4 little piles of leaves and grass around the yard. I don't remember doing much raking of leaves growing up. Kansas has trees, but not to the extent of New York. Geesh. With great beauty comes a great amount of clean up. Jason is not a fan of yard work in any fashion. He lived in Cleveland growing up and had a TON of huge trees in his yard. We all may have a secret hatred for a certain chore because we had to do it so much growing up. I hate doing the trash. I hate going grocery shopping. But, you have to do it. Though, even as broke as I was in Chicago, I still did peapod.com. You pick your items on line and then they are delivered. I looked for it here, they don't have it. shit.
Today is clean out the front closet day. I watched about 2 hours of Hoarders yesterday and now I'm full of anxiety. That show is fascinating but it REALLY freaks me out. I can't handle it. During the commercial breaks I started to clean my bedroom closet. I also made the bathroom neat. It's not a good way to spend an evening. It's a control issue I believe. I think having a show about how people react to shows would be at least interesting for 30 minutes. "How Reality TV Affects Us" Now, you could see if The Biggest Loser makes me people start dieting or if The Amazing Race makes people start planning trips or if Project Runway makes people starting making their own clothes. Ok, maybe this would only be interesting to me. I get motivated and inspired by SOME reality tv. I caught some of Jersey Shore--not inspiring. Well, it makes you want to be a better person. Tabitha's Salon Take Over creates a need for organization. Paula Deen's Best Dishes gives me lots of cooking ideas and I feel pumped to be in the kitchen! Why do we watch these shows? Jason loves Housewives of (enter city). He loves the way it takes no brain activity to enjoy it. He thinks all day and wants to dumb out in front of the t.v. He loves the WORST shows on t.v. (Not that I don't) Do we spend too much time in front of the t.v.? Yes. And when Z starts getting bigger, we'll have to just use the DVR and watch shows in the middle of the night.

The Japanese Maple already has orange leaves!

The clouds are heavy. It might just pour on us. It's in the 80s for the last time in a while. The weekend temps should be in the high 60s. That's quite a drop. I'm welcoming the Fall, whenever it wants to get here. The leaves have already started to fall in the back. When the rain hits, they compete with the raindrops to see how many can fall and clutter our yard. Oh...fall clean up. I'm not a fan. I am a fan of the bright leaves on a dark day. They act like little stain glass curtains. September 22nd is coming quickly. Then, Rochester will be in its glory. New York (or anywhere really) in the fall...you just don't get any better. We're big on pumpkin patches and Halloween. We were thinking about a Halloween trip to Sleep Hollow, NY, but we'll just have to see about that. There is an adorable giraffe costume for Zo' that I'd love to get her. Last Halloween I was pregnant and NOT in a good mood. Here's how it goes--I'm excited for trick or treaters, but none show so I want to go see a movie with Jason and Jessica (his sister in from Cleveland). They want to wait a bit longer in case anyone comes to the door and I finally had had it and YELL "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING LITTLE TRICK OR TREATERS!!"(and yep...the doorbell rings just that instant) The most adorable children hold out their bags. Did they hear me? I just shudder to think so. I felt awful.

On being sweet.

Sweetness isn't my thing. I think I used to be sweet way back when but I've lost it. I was driving today--alone--which doesn't happen much and was really thinking about this. Where is my sweet side? What happened to me? I'm kind and thoughtful and really want good things for people, but I lack the every day smiles and pure sweet part of being a wife. I watched Rachel Zoe the other night and she had a girlfriend date with Kate Hudson. She oozes sunshinyness. She's smiley and glowy. Rachel talks about how she just feels better being around her. I've always wanted to have that effect on people. Right now, I don't. I've noticed my grouchy ways and I'm sad about it. I feel very guarded for some reason. I have this little bright happy baby and I'm feeling dark and grouchy. I'm not sad though. I used to be very sad in my 20s. Now, I'm more irritated and critical. This is mostly directed to Jason. Great wife I am, right? But this is what I was thinking in the car today. "You need to be sweeter and more sunny." "You need to sweetly greet him when he comes in from a long day on the road." "You need to say goodnight to him with a kiss instead of just going to bed upset because he still has to work." I should feel for the fact that he is up late...but a lot of the times I'm pissed because I'm going to bed alone. The more I thought about this, the more I wondered--how would his actions towards me change if I was more sunny? I'd like to be someone he feels shelters him from the world of chaos...not someone he has to hide from in the house because he's worried I'll snap at him. (Gosh, I sound WONDERFUL) Ugh. I think I used to be a sweet girlfriend. Maybe I've always been this way? No, I remember being more romantic and more giddy. Hmmmm. Well, this is my thought tonight. I put Kate up in my closet as a reminder. There are always going to be irritants in marriage. Life is hard. However, you chose each other to walk through it. I reference my divorced mom a lot. I think it's because of the lessons of survival. The lesson of taking care of your own heart. Making sure you are always tough enough to get through anything. (I think about these things constantly.) Yet, today, I thought, "If you go through your marriage this way, you are almost willing it to happen." I need to open my heart more. I need to let my guard down and just let the sweetness pour out. It's scary. Even if you're in a good marriage...for me, to do this...it seems like I'm setting myself up for a fall. Silly. This is SO Faulkner--meaning the stream of consciousness deal. Sorry about that. I haven't seen my therapist in over 2 years. I'm kind of using you.

I'm reading Goldie Hawn's book. She's sunny and happy and sweet and wonderful. Like mother like daughter. She has a lot of great things to say. That's my go to book right now. So many lessons to help me with being fun and shiny again. No one wants to be around crabby and irritated. Especially me. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Okay, Goldie, Kate, please lead the way.

Yee-Haw

Rereading my latest posts, I sound depressed. Maybe I shouldn't write when I'm not feeling shiny, but it's at least a reference point for me. I can look back on these and see my crests and troughs. Today is a crest. I'm afraid J is having a trough. He just ran out of here to go to Owego. He does this trip about once a week. It's 3 hours away. It sucks for him. However, when he's gone, I get the most done. I'm not really sure why that is. I just put Z down for her 11am nap. It doesn't last long. This is normally when I get my shower in. But, I'm writing instead.

This weekend we are all headed to the NY State Fair. It's in Syracuse. I grew up going to the Kansas State Fair in Hutchison, KS.



I had some great times there and one, not so great time. It was the turning point of my 7th grade year from ok to horrible. After my band class marched in the parade, we had our orange drink at Mc D's and then headed to our day at the fair. We were let loose and then given a time to meet back up. I was running around with my friends and riding rides when we came across The Gravitron. Uhhh...not a great idea. It spins until you stick to the sides of the ride. The orange drink didn't really work well for me. As the door was opening, I vomited all over 2 of my friends and we were friends no more. Because I smelled like puke, no one wanted to hang out anymore, so I was on my own for the rest of the day--who could blame them, really. Pretty much after that, my name was dirt. However, 8th grade picked up and was a pretty good year. I'm was forever scarred on rides though and to this day I don't do anything twirly. I'm just the most boring person you could ever take to a theme park. However, I'm your girl if you like water rides or calm seated rides through scary mansions.

Back to the NY fair. I do like the exhibits and NY has a lot of things KS doesn't have. I'm anxious to see the difference. Here are the top attractions I'm interested in! (copied from the site)

Coronas Circus - A one-ring extravaganza beneath a big-top tent. This annual favorite is so big this year that we had to move it to the Infield Amusement Area. With highly trained aerialists, acrobats and animals. A special added attraction is Coronas’ Kids-Fest bounce attractions and the Girraffic Adventure Zoo.

The Ejection Seat -This giant slingshot for human beings acts like a reverse bungee jump, firing daring riders 155 feet into the sky then letting them bounce up and down above the fairgrounds until they scream to a stop. This Adventure Zone attraction is one of only six of its kind traveling the United States this summer - don't miss it! (I won't be doing this, but will love to watch!)

International Building - Use your taste buds to celebrate New York's traditional role as a gateway for immigrants and a melting pot of diverse cultures. Explore the Fair's renovated International Building and find specialties from around the world. Whether you crave Caribbean empanadas, German bratwurst, Japanese tempura, Greek baklava or some other ethnic dish, you'll find it here.

Lane's Home Entertainment Tour - This huge, one-of-its-kind interactive mobile showroom is on a national tour and will be at the New York State Fair for THREE DAYS ONLY, from Friday, Sept. 3 through Sunday, Sept. 5. Visitors to the attraction will be able to create a variety of stylish and affordable home entertainment furniture solutions. They can win cool prizes and have their photo taken in front of our innovative green screen and retrieve their photo online when they get home. Lane has partnered with Dunk & Bright Furniture, so stop by and look for a special deal.

Pride of New York Marketplace - An entire building at the fair’s main entrance has been turned into an old-time store stocked with foods from every corner of New York State. The marketplace will feature an ice cream stand as well as a variety of snack items, gourmet sauces, syrups, pastas and more… made with family recipes, all from the Empire State. You’ll be surprised to see how easy it is to shop locally. Buy a bagful on your way out.

Butter & Cheese Sculptures - Visit the Dairy Products Building to see how hundreds of pounds of butter are turned into art to mark the 42nd anniversary of this State Fair tradition. For the visually impaired we also have a hands-on clay model of the butter sculpture at the Dairy Princess Booth. You can also see blocks of New York State cheese carved into artwork before your eyes. (How could this not be fun...)

My granddad used to own the Pronto Pup stands in all of the fairs.



(they're really good corn dogs!) I always eat those. I'm not sure NY is so big into 4-H or not. The KS state fair was where I saw my first concerts. It was where I hung out with friends, boyfriends, family...it just has a lot of nice moments. I'd like Z to like them as well. J isn't much of a fair or carnival guy. AT ALL. He pretty much hates them. I'm hoping he'll see that State Fairs can be pretty damn cool. The exhibits alone are impressive. Oprah did a show at the Texas State Fair and it was awesome. The fried food...holy shit. I'm not so much into fried stuff anymore, but I might just have some ridiculous fried yummy this weekend. Ahh...it'll be sunny and 67 degrees!! Perfect!

All Work and No Play Makes me...well, boring.

Today started off with a very moody me, but ended a little better. My body aches from starting back to the gym. I thought I'd be a little stronger than I am. I do lift 16 lbs all of the time. Guess not. Wow. Z goes to the little daycare there as I try to huff and puff myself into looking decent. Kortney's wedding is just a few short weeks away and I'd like to not scare people with my wing-like arms. I'm also about as white as you can get for being the end of August. I'm hoping pale is in.

I'm again blogging without a thought in my head. I do it so I can check it off of my productivity list. I'm having an issue with making sure I'm productive each day. Am I really this boring? I am. Being overwhelmed by house chores and always thinking about how I could hang my pots in my kitchen is starting to make me wonder if I've become my greatest nightmare. I'm going to be one of those women who sit in a group of other interesting people and have nothing to offer to the conversation. Shit. I've been REALLY avoiding the mommy group thing, but now I may have to do it so that I at least keep up my social graces. I did meet a woman at the Barnes and Noble story time on Monday. I need to email her. We've been here for almost two years and I'm pretty short of female friends.

I plan on overdosing on laughter and hugs when I go to Kansas. Dustin is meeting me at the airport and is my date for the wedding. No baby, just me. Will I even know what to talk about??

I'll get used to this. I only have on baby for heaven's sake. All of my friends have multiples. Geesh. Is the first year always the adjustment period? Maybe when she can walk, or when she and I can have conversations, or when we can go on outings or bake together. Don't get me wrong, please. I love her. I think she's the cutest damn thing ever. But I constantly think about what she'll think of me. I have WAYYYY TOO much time to think about this shit.

This post irritates me, but it's true.

So, does every stay at home mom go through the need to find any possible way to create? I feel like I'm pulled in many directions to feel unique again. Z figured out that we are two people and she is now on her way to creating her inner self. Me, on the other hand...I need to start doing the same. At 35, I still feel as if I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Given my desire to always be someone else, I found another person cooler than me (happens daily) as I was surfing blogs. SO creative. SO cool...and her little house is full of the most unique ways of expressing who she is and who her family is. I'm going a little nuts here. I look around and want to change everything in my house, my wardrobe, my hair. I'm exhausted thinking about it all. I keep trying to tell myself that it all takes YEARS to acquire these types of things. It's not about money to me. It's about having someone walk into my home and see "us" in it. Jason doesn't share this feeling. He's too busy with work. Yes, I'm busy with Z, but my mind is always racing around. How can I make this place the best place for Z to be? How can I make it so that I LOVE to be here. What would make people feel immediately welcome and at ease. Am I turning into Martha Stewart/Mrs. Cleaver/Mrs. Insecure??

I watched One True Thing recently. I find myself having a very paradoxical experience. Meryl Streep's character in that movie seems to be someone I'd really want to be. But, growing up, Madonna was also someone I wanted to be. She was tough and in charge and demanding and creative and driven and bitchy. hmmmm. It's like I want to be the sweetest, most creative, nurturing and thoughtful person I can be. Then--I worry. What about making sure you're not watered down or bland? I'm struggling so much with my own personality. Why is this??? I've always struggled with it. I've always wanted to be anyone besides myself. I need to find a voice. I've obviously neglected to do that during my aging process. I need to find a center, my authentic self. I'm getting lost in here.

Top 10 thoughts of my week...

I do think about other things than my daily duties. When I blog, these things tend to slip away and I ended up writing about whatever. Then, slowly, the thoughts creep back in and keep me from sleeping. So...I wrote them down.

Here are the Top Ten thoughts that kept my mind busy this week--in no particular order.

1.

5 years since Katrina. I remember watching the footage in my Chicago apt and crying. I didn't know what was going on until the damage was done. I worked downtown and never watched the news. I finally turned on the tv and saw the devastation and couldn't believe it. My step-mom went down to help with those in Misssissippi...and I was jealous. I remember having the feeling of wanting to drop everything and go. Seeing the Super Dome and the craziness. I had been to New Orleans years before...it was surreal to see it under water. All of the people just floating in the streets. I still can't believe it.

2.

My husband. The fact that he left work at home and drove with me to DC last week to be with my family as we dealt with Harry's death is something I will always remember. He took care of Z while I wandered the hospital and tried to be supportive to my mother. As soon as I got the hospital, I went to Harry's room and held his hand for a long time. We had a day or so to say goodbye before the machines were turned off. Jason consoled the family and dealt with Z's every need.

3.

The Rachel Zoe Project. I caught the first couple of episodes of this season and loved diving into the fashion world. It's so glamorous and stressful. Rachel reminds me so much of an old friend and it's fun to pretend we're hanging out. (I know that sounds weird) I sit and think, "I could do this...I could be her assistant...if I had another me, I'd go do that." Running around NY, LA, Paris and London...yeah, I think I could.

4.

My poor cat and her poor bladder. This kept creeping in because I had to keep cleaning up after the poor girl.

5.

Little Miss Z. She is as needy as she's ever been and in fact we, again, caved in our attempts to get to sleep in her crib. She cried for over an hour and we were exhausted. Tonight is Friday though...and we'll work this weekend on making her stay. Ugh.

6.

My friend Lisa. I found out she's pg with her 5th child and I'm filled with...well, honestly, jealousy. I'm wanting to have another and the thought of her life in 25 years makes me filled with envy. How amazing. Their house will be FILLED to the brim at the holidays. I always think of The Family Stone. Fun times. (I'll admit, I probably won't be as envious for a while as I believe she'll have 3 in diapers at the same time.) I just learned this info last night by seeing pics on her website. I haven't even spoken to her yet. Yay Lisa. Love you.

7.

My mother. Her pain right now. Her ability to write a beautiful obit. I miss having her around the house. I know she misses us, too. She starts school this week. Her students are lucky to have her, but I'm ready for her to come back!

8.

Andy Warhol's Interview Magazine. I've been going through all of my old issues and reading old interviews. The photos are amazing. Having the interviews done by other well known talents is pretty cool. January Jones interviewed by Jack Nicholson, for example. My favorite was Gus Van Sant interviewing Tom Ford. This leads me into #9.

9.

Tom Ford. He is perfection. His film, "A Single Man" was beautiful and heartbreaking. Mom and I watched it when she was here. He is stylish, classy, gorgeous and has perfect taste. There are gorgeous scenes in that movie. I didn't know him in his Gucci days. Of course, it took a movie for me to notice. I'm so happy I did. (He's now in my closet as well.)


10.

Angelina Jolie. I hate this really, but I read an article about her in Vanity Fair. She annoys me, but I still have to read about her. Do I want to look like her? Sure. Do I want to have her life? Instead of mine, no, but I'd sure pop into it for a while. She, her hotty boyfriend, their 6 kids, living in Italy and shooting a movie with Johnny Depp. Uhh...yes, I want her life for a moment. She is my age. How is that fucking possible? I think we're weeks apart or something. That's amazing to me. I guess her mother was in love with Al Pacino for years. Huh.

Good Times, Bad Times, give me some of that...

Edie is singing. The sky is gray. It's going to rain soon. Z and I are home alone today. J is 3 hours away on business. The day has been slow. I've been obsessively vacuuming. I think I really have an issue here. Crumbs really bother me. This is because I have one child. Only one. Oh, and a cat...that tracks litter. THAT really drives me nuts. She's been ill and so I'm giving her a pass. She has bladder stones again so she is peeing bloody urine in front of her box. It's fantastic. She's on pain meds and is on a special diet. She's already had surgery for this issue. Hopefully, not again. So, yeah, lots of clean up is necessary. Meryl isn't so much of the social type. Her namesake is Meryl Streep...but they have nothing in common. It's too bad really. I always wanted a social and cuddly cat. What I have is a recluse who only really likes us, but mostly just Jason. Go figure.

Zoë is becoming very needy. I'm wondering if it has to do with all of the travel she's been doing. Lots of new places and she's starting to get leery of when we leave her. Every time I leave the room she freaks. Are we spoiling her? Quite possibly. A good example of bad parenting: she sleeps with us most nights. I know, I know. It's awful. She comes in around 4am- 6am and snuggles. Last night though...the "I want to be in your bed" cry started at midnight. Ugh. I need to get tough. It's going to suck. Thing is, she's adorable and sweet, but she kicks the shit out of me. She also pulls my hair to wake me up. It's not fun.

Also, the crawling is getting boring for her. Now all she does is stand. Constantly. Stand and yell and laugh and cry. She wears herself out, but she's going to have excellent thighs.

Ok, I think I've exhausted anything to write about and figured out that I have nothing of any interest today. I write just to do it. So, if I ever wondered about my tiny following, it's due to posts like these. My mind is more interesting, but when I sit down...the most lackluster thoughts come to mind. Let me see if I can find a picture in order to spice this one up a bit.



Here's a pic of Jolie and Depp filming their new movie in Italy. Depp and Italy...you really just can't get much better and I'm in such a better mood after seeing it.

Everything is Illuminated

Today, I tried to do "normal" again. Every day, I try to get a shower in...it keeps me from feeling down I find. I didn't get one until late in the day and by then, the blues had grabbed hold a bit. Z is very active and pretty cute. She's crawling here and there and putting her in the safe environment, aka CAGE, seems cruel, but I did it. Today, I did it as I watched a Meryl Streep movie. I looked through magazines and watched Zo' find fascination in the most simple things. Life is good...but it seems to have a cloud over it today. Jason suggested we go to the gym tonight. We've had our memberships for gosh, 2 months now, but I haven't been yet. My family was here for a long time and we traveled all over this summer. It was my first time putting Z in a daycare setting. She was fine, I was nervous. I did the treadmill for 10 mins and then wandered around. I stretched here and there, but never really broke a sweat. After 30 minutes, I went to get her. I'll get better. I need to go to the gym each morning. She needs to be around other kids and I need to get my body into some sort of shape.

At the moment, the sky is starting to get dark, but it has enough light to cast shadows everywhere. The ground almost looks black. The outlines of the trees are black. My heart is heavy.

I'm going through a phase where I am escaping into lives that I'm so far removed from. (I hate ending with prepositions) Anyway, I watch Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project and Project Runway. I'm also going through all of my mags and ripping out fashion icons and amazing clothes. I'm decorating my closet with the covers of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Interview. It seems shallow, I know. I just want to be surrounded with pretty people, amazing places and cool photography. I want to be transported into another world. I love being mommy, but I think I could have been a great PA to a stylist or on a movie set. I'm drawn to the places that take me out of my head. I'd worry about me a little if this was new for me. But, I've been this way my entire life...guess I'm not going to grow out of it.

This is one of the covers in my closet. I love it. SJP looks beautiful and mystical in the blue haze of the Brooklyn Bridge.

I feel like Julia slapped me in the face.

I just got back from seeing Eat Pray Love. I loved it. I loved her journey, but mostly I loved the thoughts it provoked. I sat there alone (J kept Z at home) and tried to put myself into the scenarios. (That's what I've always done with movies--hence my slight identity crisis.) Like her, I too, protect my heart too much. I'm married...I should just let it wide open. I do think that being raised by a single mother had lasting effects. I didn't look into the future and see a husband. I saw a woman making her own plans and doing what she wanted to do. We didn't have to consider my father really when making any day to day plans. She didn't want to be a single mother though. However, the idea of having your life be your own was something I always had. Also, keeping your heart close to you and not lending it out was another idea. But, at 16, I did fall in love--and fell ALL THE WAY. Ugh. Having your heart broken as a young person is just awful. It was broken pretty much from 19-24--until I thought I fell in love with an older man. There was another relationship in there that tried to cushion the blow but ended up being my worst regret. I basically dated someone because he had found someone--bad idea. Sadly, one of the lessons I learned from that broken heart was to never open it quite that wide again. And yes, I'm married, and no--I haven't opened it as wide as I should. Again with the single mom thing--you want to make sure that if this flops, your heart is in tact. As I sat there watching the movie, I was reminded again that this is no way to love. J deserves more than that and I am capable of so much more. I've been calloused in many ways. My therapist told me that I had one foot out the door in my marriage. This is a hard realization. It's tough for me. I did want to be married...and I wanted to marry Jason. I just didn't realize that after it happened it would be so hard for me to keep that flood gate open. She struggles with the balance in the movie as well. She makes a reference to how she jumped from man to man her entire life and that what helped her get over one was finding another. BINGO. That's me to a tee. Sounds awful. After the first time, I NEVER wanted to feel that pain again. I felt it a bit after Kansas City. I didn't jump right into something else...but I did have a distraction. Men were my distraction for most of my life. I dated to either not deal with heartache or pain from daddy relationship or my insecurities or my depression. Man, I sound healthy!! Jason is real, but he is the toughest. He's also a thinker. We are both from divorced families and are both affected by our childhoods. We both have protective shields. We both deal with past scars in different ways. I create and think and reflect and mull over...while he throws himself either in to work or working out. We struggle but we also saw something in the other. The connection is strong, but it requires a lot of care. I admittedly have been selfishly resigned lately. The movie was a good reminder that having an independent soul balance and not loving to your fullest potential throws off your life balance. In keeping your feelings always on alert, you miss out on all of the ups and downs and greatness of life. It is scary to me. It is hard to let down the boundaries. It's hard to want to go back to my 16 year old self and just LOVE until I just can barely see anymore. I want to feel that again though. I do. And J deserves to be overwhelmed by me a little.

My best friend is getting married for the second time. She is overwhelmed by love. She's just letting him have it. She's happy and at times it's nauseating. But, the nausea comes from how scary that seems to me. But, I want to be that silly and crazy in love. After all, that's why J and I got married...we were a little crazy. Slowly, I pulled myself together and tried to become the perfect wife, now mother. What does that mean?? Well, I've been doing it wrong. It's very apparent to me. There are changes ahead...and lots of good fear.

The Family Stone

The family just drove away. I've already cried twice, I'm trying to keep up the reserves. Crying just makes me horribly exhausted for the rest of the day. It was a good visit. Having a quiet house again is a shock. Z loves her cousins. We packed a lot in. The departure day kept getting pushed out due to no one wanting to leave. That's a nice feeling. They were suppose to leave on Tuesday. Living far away has its advantages, but obviously, it is hard to know you won't see them for a long time. The kids will just get taller and more mature. People just keep aging. I'm not ready for all that comes with getting older. I'm not ready to be without those I love. I'm not ready for my body to start breaking down. (this is depressing!!)

The thing to focus on is the memories that you create with people. Trying to get as many good ones made as possible is a good goal. They make you rich. So does having pictures to look back on when you're older to reflect on days past. I find old pictures of my parents and grandparents fascinating. Z will have so many pictures to look through unlike I have. She'll see how many people loved her. She'll see pictures of her grandparents--the people that started all of this. I think it would be odd to look around at the people that you've created. The lineage. It's amazing really.

I'll write more later. I need to start putting my house back together. The hallways are quiet and the loft is silent. My house is starting to build the memories of Z's childhood. I love that.

Quick post...on the way out the door...really...I'm coming!!!

ok, so we're leaving for lake placid shortly. i'm not going to capitalize. i'm exhausted. got up early to get the first group out the door and then to clean and pack. little Z is sleeping. she's surely going to resent another road trip, but she'll soon snap out of it. she's quite the happy girl. she went to her first baseball game. it was aaa league, but still, it counts. it was too hot to stay out the entire game, but she was a trooper. i'll post a pic if i can.

my mother leaves next week. i'm already missing her. i've learned a lot about her this trip actually. it's interesting to see her in different times our each of our lives. new things surface. new appreciations. she's very kind and giving of her time. she's so helpful and thoughtful. i know she was like this growing up, but i was too immature to realize to the full extent. i'm hoping she'll come back for thanksgiving.

i'm trying to think of the things that will keep me busy for the next few months. i'm headed to kansas for kortney's wedding. dustin is my date. it will be nice girl time. i'm also headed to atlanta to see angie. she needs some girl time of her own. we're headed to florida this year for christmas with j's family. that should be nice, but i will miss new york with the snow and such. i'm still going to decorate...and maybe before thanksgiving! i'll follow target's lead.

we buried the baby bird in our little tree line in front of the house. did i already mention this? we took pics of the "service" but no words were said. i haven't seen the cardinals lately, but i know they are still around. most likely, they have another nest somewhere else. i read that mother cardinals will often have 3 nests a season.

my baby bird is flying to the mountains today to meet up with her cousins who adore her. i'm going to try to take as many deep breaths as i can and enjoy the long car ride. the adirondacks are only 2 hours away. however, lake placid is 6. ugh! on the way...trees, wildlife, mountains, streams and my little family. i need to start soaking it in...the world isn't as beautiful in other parts of life. right now, i need to focus on the sweetness of everything.