We Got Some

Much ado about nothing.

Last night we had 3 deer visit. I saw the motion light had come on and looked to see them in the side yard. I spread about 2 big cups of cracked corn out for them. They watched me come out and throw it out for them. Slowly, the walked over and ate for about an hour or so. I stood and watched them in the dark of my living room. It was a nice sight. There used to be four of them that roamed together. I don't know where the other was. Hopefully, just in another yard. Tonight, it is too snowy to put anything out for them. It would be buried too quickly. I worry how they find food in the winter.

I quit the job today. It was sad. Dan was so nice on the phone and really sounded bummed out that I wouldn't be there anymore. He made plans for me to come in next week to say goodbye to everyone and to bring Z in to meet the group. He also wanted to come by the house next weekend for dinner. I was hoping we'd still be friends, so that will be nice. It was hard to leave a place where I enjoyed working...and where I felt happy to be each day. I never dreaded my job. I have in the past for sure. Working with the Indian group was really a great experience for me. I learned a lot about their culture and was really treated well. Now, it'll just be me and J. Most everyone we've met around here has been from my work. I'm not really that worried about it. I feel like I have a lot to look forward to and have had a steady flow of visitors. We're looking at going to Lake Placid for a week in July. I'll research that. I have to have things to look forward to. It will get me through the monotonous days I'm sure to have.

It's late and I'm tired. The snow keeps falling. It's been snowing all day. The flakes are small, so we've only had about 4-5 inches so far from what I can tell. By morning, they say it'll be around a foot. The snow plow keeps pushing the snow up on our lawn. I'm thinking by tomorrow, it'll be the perfect height to make an igloo.

Take this job and shove it.

Today I went in to work. Jason said he could watch Z for a bit, so I decided it would be a good idea to show my face. Before heading there, my boss said to make sure I came by to see him. Immediately I felt that something was off. I asked J how he'd feel if I didn't have a job and he told me he'd be fine with it. He said I was being paranoid.

So, I went in to D's office and he said, "Well, I have a suggestion for you. How would you like to be a business analyst for the DR Team?" (This means that India has finally lowered the boom and told him he can no longer have an assistant.) "India says that I can no longer have an Admin, but we can place you in DR." We talked for a while. He felt badly, I played it off that it was fine and that I completely understood--honestly, I really did. He created the position and I kept it for almost a year. He's been an amazing boss to me as well...I've been lucky. After meeting with the DR Manager...who was very accommodating to my being an at home mommy--I realized it would be a lot of work. Anxiety set in. I came home and discussed it with Jason. He told me that he didn't get anything done because Z screamed the entire time and that if I wanted to work, we'd have to get a nanny or put her into daycare. Shit. So...I'm quitting my job tomorrow. Jason was super supportive of anything I wanted to do, but I think being stressed out about the whole thing when I'm really getting paid squat isn't worth it. I have anxiety tonight thinking about not having a job. Well--a corporate job.

I will be busy still. I will now be fixing dinners...and doing lots of things I didn't have time to do before. I will be freaking out sometimes I'm sure about not talking to anyone during the day. It's official--we are alone out here. I was the only one who was meeting anyone and now...we'll be alone again.

Thank God for Angie's visit and Dustin's visit and my mom's visit--that's 3 weeks of visitors to keep me busy. Then what?

Will I go crazy?

Thoreau(s) of Passion

ok, she is no longer the perfect baby. Yesterday went fine...she slept, smiled,cooed and slept pretty well at night. Today, she is whiny, needy and is driving me nuts. She can't be put down. She wants to sit on my lap as I work. I did let her cry for about 15 minutes before I came and rocked her to sleep. Bad Mommy has been born. Jason won't be home until late tonight. I can't get a damn thing done. I played dress up today in order to make the day more fun. I have camel colored knee socks with a brown skirt and a stretchy thin pink shirt (damn breastfeeding)--and occasionally I've put on my snow boots. I had to refill the bird feeder, take the mail down to the box and then knock off the heavy icicles from our roof. Jason was worried they would take down our gutters. On the way back in, I scooped the walk. Yay me. Z took a 25 min nap to enable me to do this.

She is sleeping now...after being on my lap as I tried to IM my boss back and forth. He wants me to research a free online project time tracker. Most are for individuals that I've found. I need one for a group to share. I think I found one--we'll see if he's impressed or not.

The snow is melting. I can see the deer on the other side of the woods looking for food in the dry patches. I put out some cracked corn in our dry patches, but I'm not sure they'll eat that. The chipmunks will...and the birds. It's so quiet here. I enjoy the birds in the morning. It reminds me of waking up at my grandparents house as a kid. I do miss the sound of the trains in Chicago. We used to live right by the station...and it rattled our windows a bit at night. We felt so "city" and cool. It was sexy then. Everything was sexy then.

Walden is beautiful and serene, but I miss sexy.

life in the woods

My cardinal. I can't get too close to him! We need a zoom lens. He comes to visit every day. Today he brought his wife but she was too shy to be photographed. I find myself looking for him every day--almost as if my day isn't complete unless I've seen him. He doesn't feed at my feeder, I'll have to get a special feeder for him. Z likes him as well. She thinks he comes especially to say hi to her. He probably does. The snow is falling again. It's pretty, but causes all of my bird friends to seek shelter and no one flutters by. The deer come so early that I don't get to see them. I see their tracks by our bedroom door. At times, when I've been shut in here for days, these are my only friends. I'm actually very attached to them. There is a small fox that comes around once in a while. I see his paw prints. I've only seen him one time. I'm hoping he is safe. We don't have many cars, but I worry about him.

I need to plant roses in the spring.

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The Land of Cleves

We had a trip to Cleveland over the weekend. It went splendidly. Z had a minor meltdown right before we left--this is sad, however it enabled her to sleep ALL THE WAY to Cleveland! And! Her diaper was barely wet. (This makes me feel good since I didn't dare wake her to change and no rash happened due to my laziness.)

She met an aunt, an uncle and a great-grandma for the first time! She was stellar. Smiles and coos all around. Whew! Everyone loves her and comments on what a good baby she is. (I'm boasting a bit, sorry) Jason had the new camera. I won't even tell you how many stinking pictures he took. It's frightening. I'll post a few. He's in love. (with his daughter and his new camera) It was a good weekend for us. We talked all the way there and back. We put things into perspective about our life and how good it is. We had to have a bit of a reminder as stresses have been mounting about lots of money and regular life stresses. He left for Pittsburgh this morning for 2 days. Ugh. Z and I will veg out tonight and probably watch Inglorious Bastards. We're trying to get as many Oscar noms in before Dustin gets here. I'm just going to miss some.

Angie and Mike are coming this weekend. Jason and Mike are going skiing while Ang and I stay warm in the house talking and drinking. It's nice to have relationships with girlfriends you've known for so long. Our history is LONG--since we were 5. I always thought she'd be an architect of homes. In grade school she drew my dream home. She also used to do portraits of people in the class. She never took art in high school though. hmmm. I should ask her about that.

Anyway, the day is just beginning. I've of course cleaned the kitchen already and my first load of laundry is in. Z is waking from her swing and I have much work to do in Excel.

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Could really care less.

Today, Zoë and I FINALLY cleaned the downstairs closet. I said I was going to do this the other day and it didn't happen. I've been looking for projects to get done. It burns calories and keeps me from going stir crazy. Day 6 of not leaving the house. Yes, I could, I'm not locked up in here. I have a car and a car seat. However, it's cold and I have no where to go.

I have great before and after pics of the closet I'll post. Ooooh, won't that be exciting!! Yesterday, I actually made a conversation topic about how I'd switched out the sponge in the kitchen sink. This was something I felt the need to discuss with Jason when he was done with work. Hmmm. I could talk about the average of about 3 loads of laundry I do a day. Nahh...boring. How about that I folded all of the blankets again upstairs...or looked at the floor and thought I should vacuum but didn't want to become anal about it. Ha. I do find my mind a bit funny lately. Things that I didn't ever think I would think about...or even discuss are finding to be important--or rather, I have nothing mind blowing to talk about. Z helped me make a summer box of clothes and a box of skinny clothes that I can't wear but refuse to throw out. A girl can dream.

I watched Tiger give his apology today. His eyes were rimmed with tears. He looked right into the camera when he said he was sorry. I sat there and thought, "Wow, I really don't care about you or anything you are saying. Yet, you interrupted The View to tell me and I'm a little ticked about that." I have no feelings about him. I feel for his wife--sort of. I really just don't care. And the fact that I've dedicated a paragraph of my blog talking about how much I don't care should illustrate the point that I have nothing to talk about.

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Today was the best day of my life.

Well, it could be, right? The fact that nothing out of the ordinary happened shouldn't mean a thing. The fact that everyone is safe at home tonight, in good health, fed, quenched and warm is more than many can say. Anyone in Haiti would wish this. Anyone homeless anywhere would wish this. My days are monotonous. I've been in the house for days without leaving. I like my house-but this is getting a little old. I've filled the photo albums, hung pictures, filled out the baby book, re-organized her room and cleaned the kitchen repeatedly. I got to take about a 30 min nap today. This is a good thing. I was able to work a little. I do have a big project that I need to get done by next week for work that I'm a big freaked out about...but oh well.

We're leaving for Cleveland to see more people that love us and that adore Z. Some can't say that. We have cars that are in good working condition. We have the money to pay our bills. We love each other and our daughter. We have good teeth. (I find this very important.)

No, I don't have a damn fun, interesting or crazy thing to write today--but, Jason just fed Z and put her down for a nap...I just had some chili (for the 4th night in a row) and Grey's Anatomy is on tonight. That's a pretty damn good day.

Oh--and new birds came to eat today! I need to catch them at the feeder. I'm working on that picture. Meanwhile, here's a pic of my daughter having amazing tummy time!!!


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Silent Movies

Every morning, we walk over to see Z in her bed. She's been grunting for a little bit...and she looks up at us and gives a HUGE smile. That's my favorite part of the day. She gets up for about an hour...where she smiles and then frowns...and has a wide range of emotions. Then, she's in her swing upstairs listening to Light Classical on cable and sleeps for an hour or two. Quite the life. One I wish I had.

It snowed again. I put more bird feed out. My main goal is the cardinal that I've grown fond of. However, he is a ground feeder, so I'll have to get one. The one we have is hanging off our balcony.

So, I've been having somewhat of a mental block when it comes to my writing. This is due to reading other blogs. Kortney's really. Her life is totally different than mine. She NEVER has a dull moment with her 7 kids. I, on the other hand, have lots of days where nothing happens at all. I was feeling rather boring. Then I realized as I thought how snoozeville a reality tv show would be about my life--that my blog is more like May Sarton's writings. I love her. I find them so nice to read...yet, not a lot goes on. She thinks a lot...and she writes about the nature around her. I guess until Z gets older, my blog won't be very funny. K's blog is fun with lots of goings on...and I need to relish the quiet before all that sets in. My followers are few, if any. My blog doesn't inspire or give great hints about parenting because I'm learning as I go. I'm sort of blah right now...tired maybe. Or, just coasting. One day, I'll have posts that will make people laugh and smile at the crazy things going on...until then...I'm just classical music and snow covered trees swaying outside my windows.

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things that mean nothing

After waking to feed Z, I couldn't get back to sleep. I kept thinking about the little sayings my mom would say that mean nothing at all. very strange.

hark! a pistol shot
a shostle pit
a shistle pot
oh shit, i'm shot.

???

fuzzy wuzzy was a bear
fuzzy wuzzy has no hair
fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy was he.

this is what i was saying in my head over and over last night at 3:30.

I gotta a feelin'

I will admit to blogging today without a thing to say. I've been on auto pilot and haven't really been able to let real thoughts invade my mind lately. Not enough to blog about them. I'll post the link below as something fun to put out into the world. I think it's so damn cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwUokqeP5ZU&feature=related

I don't care how you feel about the Oprah Show...I LOVE this. It makes me so happy. It makes me miss Chicago...but feel proud that I lived there. It was such a growing time for me. Wow. I wish some things had gone differently...that I'd left there on good terms with everyone I'd met...but that was not the case. With some of us, the growing pains are so strong, unfortunately, you hurt people along your road of finding your way. (is that deep or what.) Truly, though...there are people I just wish I could reach out to to say I'm sorry. I'm throwing that out into the universe tonight.

In order to deal with this emotion...at this moment, I'm downing chocolate chips. mmm. Jason is out in the garage working out. This is typical. I have to put balance in our relationship. :)

Z found her fingers. The struggle is on to keep them out of her mouth. She loves them. I told her that it wasn't lady like to suck on her fingers...she told me it wasn't lady like to have a pacifier either. Shoot. She's smart.

I struggle to write anything worthwhile, so I will stop for today. I'm sure something will hit me. Oh, how did I spend Valentine's? We didn't really. We kissed in the morning and said "happy v day." We went out to breakfast to our fave place with his mom and sis. I touched his hand at one point during breakfast to say I love you. I gave him a card I'd bought last year today to say some things I've been meaning to say. It's hard sometimes. It's easy to let moments pass to tell someone you love them when they leave a fork out. I stare at him a lot. I think how handsome he is...how lucky I am...but don't say it. Why? I suppose that's for another blog. But I love him...and even though he drives me nuts...I often think how perfect he is for me.

Roar

I've been watching a new show on BRAVO! Kell on Earth. I love it.

http://www.bravotv.com/kell-on-earth

It's not for everyone, but it's for me. I have a real thing about loving bitches in control. This started with my fascination of Madonna in Truth or Dare. I loved how she was in complete control. I have an obsession with women control freaks--but good ones. I can do without the evil. Flipping Out is also on BRAVO! and I love it, too. He's fabulously bitchy and wonderful to watch.

http://www.bravotv.com/flipping-out

If you haven't seen either of these shows, you should at least check them out one time. I am drawn to certain personalities that scare me. I wish I was more like them. So in control, so kick ass, so funny and bitchy. I'd love to be around them. YET another one is Rachel Zoe.

http://www.bravotv.com/the-rachel-zoe-project

She's not as kick ass as the others, but something about her reminds me of a friend of mine, so I watch it because I miss her so.

I want to be kick ass. I want Z to be a strong woman. I want her not to be a victim. I was a victim for YEARS and it REALLY pisses me off!!!! No more. Jason comments a lot about how different I am from 5 years ago. Sadly, my personality has morphed into a somewhat compulsive cleaner. That's annoying, I know. I was such a slob for so long though...ugh.

I'm out her in NY all alone sometimes. I'm not around women and I lose my edge. Women are strong, fierce and loving creatures. I love being one. I need to find some sort of woman's group similar to the one I found in Cincinnati. They were writers. All older than me. I also love older women...I need them to look up to. I want to learn from them. I love books about women, by women and for women. If you have any suggestions for a good read, let me know.

This is a boring post.

It's Tuesday and I'm feeling much better now. Last week was a low point, but today, I'm wanting to be productive and am going to attack my downstairs closet for the first time since we moved in. Yes, we still have boxes down there. Since October. Nice. However, I couldn't fit into any of those clothes anyway, so who cares! Today, I fit (snugly) into some before pregnancy jeans. YAY! I needed a belt so not to have plumber ass, but other than that, they worked. I'm shallow, but this made me happy.

Button is asleep. She gained 2 lbs over this last month! Breast milk is amazing. She's a shorty though...only in the 17th percentile in length. 21.5 inches. She has to be in the 98th percentile in looks though. :)

I'm tired, but that's a given, right? It's annoying to keep saying it. I get annoyed hearing from other people. I GET IT!! WE ARE FUCKING TIRED!!! I just wrote this and Jason came in to tell me he's going to take a nap. ahhh...I want one too.

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Sunday

Feel a little better. Still tired and no nap seems to quench that. I'm also cold and want to spend the day refilling the tub with warm water. I worked and was productive. I watched a sappy movie with Jen Aniston. I washed my hair.

The winter is too cold. I want snow in the summer. It's pretty, but I become almost immobile with chilly air. I want to sit under an electric blanket, but mine is broken. damn.

My husband is being sweet today and assuring me that the house will be cleaned and not to freak out about it. He seems to be walking on some egg shells which makes me a little sad.

I do have purple sparkly (in a good way) nail polish on. It was expensive polish and I like it. It makes me feel funky again.

I want a henna tattoo.

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Floundering

This is my 3rd post today. I obviously need a therapy session and I'm using this and a call to my little sister as my therapist. Lost it today for the first time. Not a tantrum...just starting bawling while giving Z a bottle. I'm exhausted today and frustrated and lonely. After realizing that I was slowly losing my mind, I put Z in her swing, which she seemed content with and took myself downstairs to a hot bath. I called Mandi (who wasn't around kids...it was fated for me to call her) and vented and cried until I was sane again. When I came upstairs, Z was asleep with a smile on her face, so I felt like I hadn't failed her as a mom by my small postpartum flip out. I've been pretty ok until today. Not sure what happened. Lots of things. Now, of course, I'm spent. I only have one. I keep saying that to myself. Both of my sisters have 3. I don't understand how. I am slowly seeing that I'm fraying a bit. Each day I find it necessary to take a shower and put on real clothes. I feel like I have to do this or I'll be a slob. I have to seem "cute" to Jason...or he'll seem me as a yucky mom type or something. I also feel like I have to have the house be perfect or I'm dirty. (Wow...there ARE some issues here.) This morning, I came upstairs to find a peanut butter knife that J had left out on the counter...my clean counter and I started to cry then too. I'm losing it today. He's traveling today...and he was gone all day yesterday. He's tired and overwhelmed and each of us are going through our own little days of hell. Granted, mine is spent with Miss Magically Wonderful. She smiles at me and trusts me and has to hold on to my finger to go to sleep at times. We sing and we coo and we bond. This is my bright spot. But...I'm exhausted and I know this is normal.

This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal.

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Get over it

I now understand where the resentment comes in...

I'm too close to expand
I'm too tired to worry about it
I'm too irritated with myself to bitch
But it's there.
It starts to prick my side a bit
It's lonely
It's grand
It's amazing
But I'm dark today.

Comfortably Numb

Z is singing behind me being ALL kinds of adorable right now. She's been very patient with me this morning. I had bills to get done and finally write the rest of my thank you's. I got them sent out. YAY FOR ME! Ugh. I have only a couple left.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my heart. It seems as if it isn't as open as it was when I was younger. After being hurt and losing people, can your heart grow back again the same as it was before? More specifically, after losing Carrie, I truly feel as if my heart got scared shut. I constantly worry about losing someone else and I get upset when people don't talk or if I haven't spoken to someone in a while. It wasn't a sudden thing, her death, but it was a shock. I feel sometimes as if my heart can't quite open. Jason has commented on this with me and so has my therapist. I always leave one foot out the door--as my therapist says. I don't quite commit to people. Could this be true? Even with Z, I'm almost afraid to love her as much as I could--this sounds awful, I know. I don't feel as if I have control over it. (I need to call my therapist) I guess I was just worried last night at my somewhat numb feeling lately. I'm not up or down...just flat line. I know I'm happy...I know that things are good and that I love J and Z very much...but I feel as if I can't FEEL anything!! It's so odd. I'm not even down. I want to really laugh or something. This is a strange post. I hate it. I feel as if I miss people so much that I just shut off so that I don't. I don't want to long for people...or to get so freaked out about Z doing anything in the future. I don't want to hide her away from the world because I'm so scared for her. (I feel this is possible) I know she's going to go away...yes, we're talking YEARS down the road, but I don't want to be crippled by it.

What's wrong with me? Is this normal?? Am I just protecting myself from "old Valerie" taking over with her over analyzing, over feeling, over obsessing, overly depressive craziness???

Side note: My gosh, you should hear the noises coming out of this child...I'm freaking out it is so cute. What am I going to do when she starts talking? :)

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Random pics

Above--This is what Jason runs in...at night...in the snow...that probably scares people.


Below is the outfit that Z spit up on right after I got her in it. TOO cute!

damn damn damn damn damn!

Subject line is such a GREAT quote from My Fair Lady. It comes in handy for me quite often. Today, got up at 7, not bad. Z went down for nap around 8. I showered, got ready, got her ready...was REALLY feeling super mom-ish...got her into the car seat, went to heat up the car and BAM, it's dead. We had a 2 month appt. today. I had reschedule...but I was SO looking forward to mommy-Zoë day out! I was going to get Starbucks, I was going to head to Target...and just drive around in the sun with pumpkin. WE NEED OUT OF HERE! We'll get out on Saturday, I know, but it's just the disappointment. Z was really bummed about it. She comforting herself by singing in the swing right now. They need Baby Idol. She rocks out.

I've now reheated my coffee two times. I usually do this about 4-5 times. I can never drink it. Normally, I find it in the microwave.

The redecorating is slow. I'm trying to use things I have already in more creative ways. Think I'll make a collage that represents me at 35. Maybe do a Chicago collage...and a NY one. I'm needing some sort of expression lately. I feel good, just a little brain dead. Work helps, but only sometimes. I get too tired to read, but just keep reading a page or two at a time.

Z was wearing the most adorable outfit and then spit up 2 minutes later. I bet this girl goes through about 4 outfits a day. It's insane. Maybe other mothers don't change them as often? But I hate being cold and wet, so I imagine she does too.

Last night I rocked out. Folded TONS of laundry, put more loads in, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, folded blankets, cleaned up kitchen, put baby down, gathered trash, cleaned out fridge and all in about an hour. I felt very Mary Poppins. Normally, I get 2 of those done as I desperately try to stay on the couch with Z on my lap. But, I need to really get up and get it done more...the sitting around thing is affecting my mental health. Again, how the hell does one have more than one small child?? Bravo to you girls!

Ok, off to look through mags. Z is snooooooozing. Love that about her!



More when it happens.

It just hit me

my house needs some creativity and decor. I'm tired of the blank walls. Is this a manic act??? Maybe, but it must be done. Ready, set, go crazy with DECOR and such...I'm needing an outlet!!!

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it's snowing, big flakes...cold and pretty, like me.

So, the birthday was good. Lots of phone calls, lots of texts and emails. Makes me feel loved. Michael came over. Always an experience. She cooked for us and had lots of stories that were weird...as usual. I like her spark and her true sense of self...she is not a follower. She does talk about herself a lot. I guess I do too, isn't that what this damn blog is all about?

Z is sleeping in her swing. The scene outside is beautiful. The deer visited last night to wish me a happy birthday. nice of them. i was in a good mood yesterday until the evening came upon us...then i was horribly tired and worn out. today, i'm tired and worn out but hopeful. i filled out some of Z's baby book. I'm going to journal. Then I'm going to hold my baby for a long time. I feel guilty when she's in the swing sometimes. Like she needs to have human contact at all times. I feel as if she's lonely and she doesn't know it.

Mandi called last night and made me laugh out loud. Talk about someone who has a good energy about her. She's dealing with horrible sleep deprivation and is still funny. I love her. She told me some damn funny stories about falling asleep during feedings, which I've never done. She was shocked at this. I've never even come close to doing that. Huh. I think, again, it's because I only have one child. Multiples might kill me. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT???? It's amazing to me. My head hurts already...and I only have one head to hurt. I can imagine you folks that have up to 4 kids...that's insane. You probably have many heads hurting. I know have 3 friends with 4 kids. Holy shit. You know who you are....that's just nuts. Good for you. You'll have fantastic holidays later. You'll have The Family Stone holidays. I love that. Big, fun, interesting adult children.

Z may need a sibling. I keep thinking about it. At 35...hmmm. This needs to happen sooner than later. Scary. I wish I had more time. I wish she could be about 3 before we start trying, but I don't think I have that much time. UGH!!!

Keep dreaming about ex boyfriends. What's that about???? I'm happily married...and dream some crazy stuff. Interesting.

Spending the weekend in a hotel with J and Z. He arranged the whole thing. Spa treatments and all. Even laminated a really pretty invitation and agenda. So cute and thoughtful. I wish I had a girlfriend to go with me. I'm already looking forward to heading to the room after to see my hot husband and adorable baby waiting for me with yummo food!! Then, to sleep in a big bed with comfy sheets and pillows and not have to cook. ahhhh.

Baby is stirring. Time to hold her and be in awe.


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I'm Blue...da ba dee, da ba die

The skies are blue...sadly, I am too. I'm not even sure why...I think it's because I'm exhausted today. I feel like crying, no reason. I want my house clean and I'm sick of cleaning it. Well, that's not true, I'm just sick of doing it with interruption. Z is great, but man...I'm tired. This is probably normal, right? At least Jason isn't going to CA tomorrow as he'd planned. The trip was miraculously canceled. Thank God. My birthday is tomorrow. I'm 35. My life is good. All I want is a long, warm nap. A bubble bath and a nap--with an electric blanket. I equate warmth with happiness. The house is cold. I hate the cold. I always hated that my birthday was in the winter months...and now I've passed that on to my daughter. I loved summer bday parties. You can be outside, you can go camping or swimming. Mine were cold.

I'm far away from my family and friends. This is normally fine. But I miss my girlfriends. I miss Dustin.. I miss Jeremy, too. I miss girl time. We're all so busy now with jobs and family, it's hard to find time. Birthday sleep overs...those times I miss. Kortney was just here. We're so family oriented now. This is good...and lonesome. We're silly, but not as silly...not as dangerous...not as spontaneous. We're mommies...and we're tired and we talk about husbands and kids. It's better than bad boyfriends and bad relationships, yes. But I don't feel 35. That's the point of this rambling. I feel so immature and young still. I look at Z and think I'm too young to have her. I feel like a teenage mother. But, I look at my face and I see wrinkles staring at me around my eyes. They are there mostly due to smiling and laughing. I hate the stresses of getting older. Jason and I just talked about this yesterday. How stressed he is...and how different he seems from when we were first together. "I only had me to worry about, now I have a house and a family." This equals a lot of stress. Happiness, yes, but there are SO MANY things to stress about. Money sucks. I just hate it. I hate that we all worry about it.

I miss being 16. I'd just found love and my girlfriends surrounded me and I only had high school to worry about. (I didn't worry too much about it...) I miss high school trips and sport nights and riding around the square with my friends. Life was so thick to me then...I felt so many things for the first time.

I'm now a mommy for the first time. I look at this baby and want her to stay little. Yet, I want her to hurry up and grow so she can talk to me and so we can go on trips together. I want her to love her childhood so much that she writes about it when she's 35. That should be my focus...to make her life thick.

At 35, I've been rich with love and friendship. I married my friend and I plan on looking for ways to de-stress my life. Z doesn't need to be aware of this shit. It's her time. And it's our time...mine and Jason's to have a normal childhood through our daughter.

Happy Birthday to me.

UPDATE: (after taking a small nap)

As I look around my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't even go back to being 16, though I miss certain things about it. College was rough and childhood had it's not so pleasant moments. Now, I have a wonderful little family...and we've carved our own little place here in NY. It took all of those times to get here...and I love looking back with rose tinted glasses. I know those times weren't as glorious as I remember, but I still love the long and winding road that lead me here.