Yee-Haw

Rereading my latest posts, I sound depressed. Maybe I shouldn't write when I'm not feeling shiny, but it's at least a reference point for me. I can look back on these and see my crests and troughs. Today is a crest. I'm afraid J is having a trough. He just ran out of here to go to Owego. He does this trip about once a week. It's 3 hours away. It sucks for him. However, when he's gone, I get the most done. I'm not really sure why that is. I just put Z down for her 11am nap. It doesn't last long. This is normally when I get my shower in. But, I'm writing instead.

This weekend we are all headed to the NY State Fair. It's in Syracuse. I grew up going to the Kansas State Fair in Hutchison, KS.



I had some great times there and one, not so great time. It was the turning point of my 7th grade year from ok to horrible. After my band class marched in the parade, we had our orange drink at Mc D's and then headed to our day at the fair. We were let loose and then given a time to meet back up. I was running around with my friends and riding rides when we came across The Gravitron. Uhhh...not a great idea. It spins until you stick to the sides of the ride. The orange drink didn't really work well for me. As the door was opening, I vomited all over 2 of my friends and we were friends no more. Because I smelled like puke, no one wanted to hang out anymore, so I was on my own for the rest of the day--who could blame them, really. Pretty much after that, my name was dirt. However, 8th grade picked up and was a pretty good year. I'm was forever scarred on rides though and to this day I don't do anything twirly. I'm just the most boring person you could ever take to a theme park. However, I'm your girl if you like water rides or calm seated rides through scary mansions.

Back to the NY fair. I do like the exhibits and NY has a lot of things KS doesn't have. I'm anxious to see the difference. Here are the top attractions I'm interested in! (copied from the site)

Coronas Circus - A one-ring extravaganza beneath a big-top tent. This annual favorite is so big this year that we had to move it to the Infield Amusement Area. With highly trained aerialists, acrobats and animals. A special added attraction is Coronas’ Kids-Fest bounce attractions and the Girraffic Adventure Zoo.

The Ejection Seat -This giant slingshot for human beings acts like a reverse bungee jump, firing daring riders 155 feet into the sky then letting them bounce up and down above the fairgrounds until they scream to a stop. This Adventure Zone attraction is one of only six of its kind traveling the United States this summer - don't miss it! (I won't be doing this, but will love to watch!)

International Building - Use your taste buds to celebrate New York's traditional role as a gateway for immigrants and a melting pot of diverse cultures. Explore the Fair's renovated International Building and find specialties from around the world. Whether you crave Caribbean empanadas, German bratwurst, Japanese tempura, Greek baklava or some other ethnic dish, you'll find it here.

Lane's Home Entertainment Tour - This huge, one-of-its-kind interactive mobile showroom is on a national tour and will be at the New York State Fair for THREE DAYS ONLY, from Friday, Sept. 3 through Sunday, Sept. 5. Visitors to the attraction will be able to create a variety of stylish and affordable home entertainment furniture solutions. They can win cool prizes and have their photo taken in front of our innovative green screen and retrieve their photo online when they get home. Lane has partnered with Dunk & Bright Furniture, so stop by and look for a special deal.

Pride of New York Marketplace - An entire building at the fair’s main entrance has been turned into an old-time store stocked with foods from every corner of New York State. The marketplace will feature an ice cream stand as well as a variety of snack items, gourmet sauces, syrups, pastas and more… made with family recipes, all from the Empire State. You’ll be surprised to see how easy it is to shop locally. Buy a bagful on your way out.

Butter & Cheese Sculptures - Visit the Dairy Products Building to see how hundreds of pounds of butter are turned into art to mark the 42nd anniversary of this State Fair tradition. For the visually impaired we also have a hands-on clay model of the butter sculpture at the Dairy Princess Booth. You can also see blocks of New York State cheese carved into artwork before your eyes. (How could this not be fun...)

My granddad used to own the Pronto Pup stands in all of the fairs.



(they're really good corn dogs!) I always eat those. I'm not sure NY is so big into 4-H or not. The KS state fair was where I saw my first concerts. It was where I hung out with friends, boyfriends, family...it just has a lot of nice moments. I'd like Z to like them as well. J isn't much of a fair or carnival guy. AT ALL. He pretty much hates them. I'm hoping he'll see that State Fairs can be pretty damn cool. The exhibits alone are impressive. Oprah did a show at the Texas State Fair and it was awesome. The fried food...holy shit. I'm not so much into fried stuff anymore, but I might just have some ridiculous fried yummy this weekend. Ahh...it'll be sunny and 67 degrees!! Perfect!

All Work and No Play Makes me...well, boring.

Today started off with a very moody me, but ended a little better. My body aches from starting back to the gym. I thought I'd be a little stronger than I am. I do lift 16 lbs all of the time. Guess not. Wow. Z goes to the little daycare there as I try to huff and puff myself into looking decent. Kortney's wedding is just a few short weeks away and I'd like to not scare people with my wing-like arms. I'm also about as white as you can get for being the end of August. I'm hoping pale is in.

I'm again blogging without a thought in my head. I do it so I can check it off of my productivity list. I'm having an issue with making sure I'm productive each day. Am I really this boring? I am. Being overwhelmed by house chores and always thinking about how I could hang my pots in my kitchen is starting to make me wonder if I've become my greatest nightmare. I'm going to be one of those women who sit in a group of other interesting people and have nothing to offer to the conversation. Shit. I've been REALLY avoiding the mommy group thing, but now I may have to do it so that I at least keep up my social graces. I did meet a woman at the Barnes and Noble story time on Monday. I need to email her. We've been here for almost two years and I'm pretty short of female friends.

I plan on overdosing on laughter and hugs when I go to Kansas. Dustin is meeting me at the airport and is my date for the wedding. No baby, just me. Will I even know what to talk about??

I'll get used to this. I only have on baby for heaven's sake. All of my friends have multiples. Geesh. Is the first year always the adjustment period? Maybe when she can walk, or when she and I can have conversations, or when we can go on outings or bake together. Don't get me wrong, please. I love her. I think she's the cutest damn thing ever. But I constantly think about what she'll think of me. I have WAYYYY TOO much time to think about this shit.

This post irritates me, but it's true.

So, does every stay at home mom go through the need to find any possible way to create? I feel like I'm pulled in many directions to feel unique again. Z figured out that we are two people and she is now on her way to creating her inner self. Me, on the other hand...I need to start doing the same. At 35, I still feel as if I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Given my desire to always be someone else, I found another person cooler than me (happens daily) as I was surfing blogs. SO creative. SO cool...and her little house is full of the most unique ways of expressing who she is and who her family is. I'm going a little nuts here. I look around and want to change everything in my house, my wardrobe, my hair. I'm exhausted thinking about it all. I keep trying to tell myself that it all takes YEARS to acquire these types of things. It's not about money to me. It's about having someone walk into my home and see "us" in it. Jason doesn't share this feeling. He's too busy with work. Yes, I'm busy with Z, but my mind is always racing around. How can I make this place the best place for Z to be? How can I make it so that I LOVE to be here. What would make people feel immediately welcome and at ease. Am I turning into Martha Stewart/Mrs. Cleaver/Mrs. Insecure??

I watched One True Thing recently. I find myself having a very paradoxical experience. Meryl Streep's character in that movie seems to be someone I'd really want to be. But, growing up, Madonna was also someone I wanted to be. She was tough and in charge and demanding and creative and driven and bitchy. hmmmm. It's like I want to be the sweetest, most creative, nurturing and thoughtful person I can be. Then--I worry. What about making sure you're not watered down or bland? I'm struggling so much with my own personality. Why is this??? I've always struggled with it. I've always wanted to be anyone besides myself. I need to find a voice. I've obviously neglected to do that during my aging process. I need to find a center, my authentic self. I'm getting lost in here.

Top 10 thoughts of my week...

I do think about other things than my daily duties. When I blog, these things tend to slip away and I ended up writing about whatever. Then, slowly, the thoughts creep back in and keep me from sleeping. So...I wrote them down.

Here are the Top Ten thoughts that kept my mind busy this week--in no particular order.

1.

5 years since Katrina. I remember watching the footage in my Chicago apt and crying. I didn't know what was going on until the damage was done. I worked downtown and never watched the news. I finally turned on the tv and saw the devastation and couldn't believe it. My step-mom went down to help with those in Misssissippi...and I was jealous. I remember having the feeling of wanting to drop everything and go. Seeing the Super Dome and the craziness. I had been to New Orleans years before...it was surreal to see it under water. All of the people just floating in the streets. I still can't believe it.

2.

My husband. The fact that he left work at home and drove with me to DC last week to be with my family as we dealt with Harry's death is something I will always remember. He took care of Z while I wandered the hospital and tried to be supportive to my mother. As soon as I got the hospital, I went to Harry's room and held his hand for a long time. We had a day or so to say goodbye before the machines were turned off. Jason consoled the family and dealt with Z's every need.

3.

The Rachel Zoe Project. I caught the first couple of episodes of this season and loved diving into the fashion world. It's so glamorous and stressful. Rachel reminds me so much of an old friend and it's fun to pretend we're hanging out. (I know that sounds weird) I sit and think, "I could do this...I could be her assistant...if I had another me, I'd go do that." Running around NY, LA, Paris and London...yeah, I think I could.

4.

My poor cat and her poor bladder. This kept creeping in because I had to keep cleaning up after the poor girl.

5.

Little Miss Z. She is as needy as she's ever been and in fact we, again, caved in our attempts to get to sleep in her crib. She cried for over an hour and we were exhausted. Tonight is Friday though...and we'll work this weekend on making her stay. Ugh.

6.

My friend Lisa. I found out she's pg with her 5th child and I'm filled with...well, honestly, jealousy. I'm wanting to have another and the thought of her life in 25 years makes me filled with envy. How amazing. Their house will be FILLED to the brim at the holidays. I always think of The Family Stone. Fun times. (I'll admit, I probably won't be as envious for a while as I believe she'll have 3 in diapers at the same time.) I just learned this info last night by seeing pics on her website. I haven't even spoken to her yet. Yay Lisa. Love you.

7.

My mother. Her pain right now. Her ability to write a beautiful obit. I miss having her around the house. I know she misses us, too. She starts school this week. Her students are lucky to have her, but I'm ready for her to come back!

8.

Andy Warhol's Interview Magazine. I've been going through all of my old issues and reading old interviews. The photos are amazing. Having the interviews done by other well known talents is pretty cool. January Jones interviewed by Jack Nicholson, for example. My favorite was Gus Van Sant interviewing Tom Ford. This leads me into #9.

9.

Tom Ford. He is perfection. His film, "A Single Man" was beautiful and heartbreaking. Mom and I watched it when she was here. He is stylish, classy, gorgeous and has perfect taste. There are gorgeous scenes in that movie. I didn't know him in his Gucci days. Of course, it took a movie for me to notice. I'm so happy I did. (He's now in my closet as well.)


10.

Angelina Jolie. I hate this really, but I read an article about her in Vanity Fair. She annoys me, but I still have to read about her. Do I want to look like her? Sure. Do I want to have her life? Instead of mine, no, but I'd sure pop into it for a while. She, her hotty boyfriend, their 6 kids, living in Italy and shooting a movie with Johnny Depp. Uhh...yes, I want her life for a moment. She is my age. How is that fucking possible? I think we're weeks apart or something. That's amazing to me. I guess her mother was in love with Al Pacino for years. Huh.

Good Times, Bad Times, give me some of that...

Edie is singing. The sky is gray. It's going to rain soon. Z and I are home alone today. J is 3 hours away on business. The day has been slow. I've been obsessively vacuuming. I think I really have an issue here. Crumbs really bother me. This is because I have one child. Only one. Oh, and a cat...that tracks litter. THAT really drives me nuts. She's been ill and so I'm giving her a pass. She has bladder stones again so she is peeing bloody urine in front of her box. It's fantastic. She's on pain meds and is on a special diet. She's already had surgery for this issue. Hopefully, not again. So, yeah, lots of clean up is necessary. Meryl isn't so much of the social type. Her namesake is Meryl Streep...but they have nothing in common. It's too bad really. I always wanted a social and cuddly cat. What I have is a recluse who only really likes us, but mostly just Jason. Go figure.

Zoë is becoming very needy. I'm wondering if it has to do with all of the travel she's been doing. Lots of new places and she's starting to get leery of when we leave her. Every time I leave the room she freaks. Are we spoiling her? Quite possibly. A good example of bad parenting: she sleeps with us most nights. I know, I know. It's awful. She comes in around 4am- 6am and snuggles. Last night though...the "I want to be in your bed" cry started at midnight. Ugh. I need to get tough. It's going to suck. Thing is, she's adorable and sweet, but she kicks the shit out of me. She also pulls my hair to wake me up. It's not fun.

Also, the crawling is getting boring for her. Now all she does is stand. Constantly. Stand and yell and laugh and cry. She wears herself out, but she's going to have excellent thighs.

Ok, I think I've exhausted anything to write about and figured out that I have nothing of any interest today. I write just to do it. So, if I ever wondered about my tiny following, it's due to posts like these. My mind is more interesting, but when I sit down...the most lackluster thoughts come to mind. Let me see if I can find a picture in order to spice this one up a bit.



Here's a pic of Jolie and Depp filming their new movie in Italy. Depp and Italy...you really just can't get much better and I'm in such a better mood after seeing it.

Everything is Illuminated

Today, I tried to do "normal" again. Every day, I try to get a shower in...it keeps me from feeling down I find. I didn't get one until late in the day and by then, the blues had grabbed hold a bit. Z is very active and pretty cute. She's crawling here and there and putting her in the safe environment, aka CAGE, seems cruel, but I did it. Today, I did it as I watched a Meryl Streep movie. I looked through magazines and watched Zo' find fascination in the most simple things. Life is good...but it seems to have a cloud over it today. Jason suggested we go to the gym tonight. We've had our memberships for gosh, 2 months now, but I haven't been yet. My family was here for a long time and we traveled all over this summer. It was my first time putting Z in a daycare setting. She was fine, I was nervous. I did the treadmill for 10 mins and then wandered around. I stretched here and there, but never really broke a sweat. After 30 minutes, I went to get her. I'll get better. I need to go to the gym each morning. She needs to be around other kids and I need to get my body into some sort of shape.

At the moment, the sky is starting to get dark, but it has enough light to cast shadows everywhere. The ground almost looks black. The outlines of the trees are black. My heart is heavy.

I'm going through a phase where I am escaping into lives that I'm so far removed from. (I hate ending with prepositions) Anyway, I watch Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project and Project Runway. I'm also going through all of my mags and ripping out fashion icons and amazing clothes. I'm decorating my closet with the covers of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Interview. It seems shallow, I know. I just want to be surrounded with pretty people, amazing places and cool photography. I want to be transported into another world. I love being mommy, but I think I could have been a great PA to a stylist or on a movie set. I'm drawn to the places that take me out of my head. I'd worry about me a little if this was new for me. But, I've been this way my entire life...guess I'm not going to grow out of it.

This is one of the covers in my closet. I love it. SJP looks beautiful and mystical in the blue haze of the Brooklyn Bridge.

I feel like Julia slapped me in the face.

I just got back from seeing Eat Pray Love. I loved it. I loved her journey, but mostly I loved the thoughts it provoked. I sat there alone (J kept Z at home) and tried to put myself into the scenarios. (That's what I've always done with movies--hence my slight identity crisis.) Like her, I too, protect my heart too much. I'm married...I should just let it wide open. I do think that being raised by a single mother had lasting effects. I didn't look into the future and see a husband. I saw a woman making her own plans and doing what she wanted to do. We didn't have to consider my father really when making any day to day plans. She didn't want to be a single mother though. However, the idea of having your life be your own was something I always had. Also, keeping your heart close to you and not lending it out was another idea. But, at 16, I did fall in love--and fell ALL THE WAY. Ugh. Having your heart broken as a young person is just awful. It was broken pretty much from 19-24--until I thought I fell in love with an older man. There was another relationship in there that tried to cushion the blow but ended up being my worst regret. I basically dated someone because he had found someone--bad idea. Sadly, one of the lessons I learned from that broken heart was to never open it quite that wide again. And yes, I'm married, and no--I haven't opened it as wide as I should. Again with the single mom thing--you want to make sure that if this flops, your heart is in tact. As I sat there watching the movie, I was reminded again that this is no way to love. J deserves more than that and I am capable of so much more. I've been calloused in many ways. My therapist told me that I had one foot out the door in my marriage. This is a hard realization. It's tough for me. I did want to be married...and I wanted to marry Jason. I just didn't realize that after it happened it would be so hard for me to keep that flood gate open. She struggles with the balance in the movie as well. She makes a reference to how she jumped from man to man her entire life and that what helped her get over one was finding another. BINGO. That's me to a tee. Sounds awful. After the first time, I NEVER wanted to feel that pain again. I felt it a bit after Kansas City. I didn't jump right into something else...but I did have a distraction. Men were my distraction for most of my life. I dated to either not deal with heartache or pain from daddy relationship or my insecurities or my depression. Man, I sound healthy!! Jason is real, but he is the toughest. He's also a thinker. We are both from divorced families and are both affected by our childhoods. We both have protective shields. We both deal with past scars in different ways. I create and think and reflect and mull over...while he throws himself either in to work or working out. We struggle but we also saw something in the other. The connection is strong, but it requires a lot of care. I admittedly have been selfishly resigned lately. The movie was a good reminder that having an independent soul balance and not loving to your fullest potential throws off your life balance. In keeping your feelings always on alert, you miss out on all of the ups and downs and greatness of life. It is scary to me. It is hard to let down the boundaries. It's hard to want to go back to my 16 year old self and just LOVE until I just can barely see anymore. I want to feel that again though. I do. And J deserves to be overwhelmed by me a little.

My best friend is getting married for the second time. She is overwhelmed by love. She's just letting him have it. She's happy and at times it's nauseating. But, the nausea comes from how scary that seems to me. But, I want to be that silly and crazy in love. After all, that's why J and I got married...we were a little crazy. Slowly, I pulled myself together and tried to become the perfect wife, now mother. What does that mean?? Well, I've been doing it wrong. It's very apparent to me. There are changes ahead...and lots of good fear.

The Family Stone

The family just drove away. I've already cried twice, I'm trying to keep up the reserves. Crying just makes me horribly exhausted for the rest of the day. It was a good visit. Having a quiet house again is a shock. Z loves her cousins. We packed a lot in. The departure day kept getting pushed out due to no one wanting to leave. That's a nice feeling. They were suppose to leave on Tuesday. Living far away has its advantages, but obviously, it is hard to know you won't see them for a long time. The kids will just get taller and more mature. People just keep aging. I'm not ready for all that comes with getting older. I'm not ready to be without those I love. I'm not ready for my body to start breaking down. (this is depressing!!)

The thing to focus on is the memories that you create with people. Trying to get as many good ones made as possible is a good goal. They make you rich. So does having pictures to look back on when you're older to reflect on days past. I find old pictures of my parents and grandparents fascinating. Z will have so many pictures to look through unlike I have. She'll see how many people loved her. She'll see pictures of her grandparents--the people that started all of this. I think it would be odd to look around at the people that you've created. The lineage. It's amazing really.

I'll write more later. I need to start putting my house back together. The hallways are quiet and the loft is silent. My house is starting to build the memories of Z's childhood. I love that.

Quick post...on the way out the door...really...I'm coming!!!

ok, so we're leaving for lake placid shortly. i'm not going to capitalize. i'm exhausted. got up early to get the first group out the door and then to clean and pack. little Z is sleeping. she's surely going to resent another road trip, but she'll soon snap out of it. she's quite the happy girl. she went to her first baseball game. it was aaa league, but still, it counts. it was too hot to stay out the entire game, but she was a trooper. i'll post a pic if i can.

my mother leaves next week. i'm already missing her. i've learned a lot about her this trip actually. it's interesting to see her in different times our each of our lives. new things surface. new appreciations. she's very kind and giving of her time. she's so helpful and thoughtful. i know she was like this growing up, but i was too immature to realize to the full extent. i'm hoping she'll come back for thanksgiving.

i'm trying to think of the things that will keep me busy for the next few months. i'm headed to kansas for kortney's wedding. dustin is my date. it will be nice girl time. i'm also headed to atlanta to see angie. she needs some girl time of her own. we're headed to florida this year for christmas with j's family. that should be nice, but i will miss new york with the snow and such. i'm still going to decorate...and maybe before thanksgiving! i'll follow target's lead.

we buried the baby bird in our little tree line in front of the house. did i already mention this? we took pics of the "service" but no words were said. i haven't seen the cardinals lately, but i know they are still around. most likely, they have another nest somewhere else. i read that mother cardinals will often have 3 nests a season.

my baby bird is flying to the mountains today to meet up with her cousins who adore her. i'm going to try to take as many deep breaths as i can and enjoy the long car ride. the adirondacks are only 2 hours away. however, lake placid is 6. ugh! on the way...trees, wildlife, mountains, streams and my little family. i need to start soaking it in...the world isn't as beautiful in other parts of life. right now, i need to focus on the sweetness of everything.

92 is not that hot, I know...but, it is.

It's hot. Z is playing with blocks. She is about a week off from crawling. My family is here. It's nice and crazy at the same time. I vacuum the floor every day. My OCD is becoming VERY apparent to them. I'm afraid I'll be seen as the crazy aunt. I found out that we have cherry trees in the back yard. Charming? No, messy. It's better than a crab apple tree I guess.

I wish I could have a huge retreat for me and my friends to go for one weekend. Everyone leaves their children and sigfigs behind and we all just go and talk and laugh and relax. Maybe a week. And maybe it's paid for by a secret donor. And maybe it's a cruise. Will someone buy me and 30 of my friends a cruise? The heat is making me fuzzy...

Sad today.

Well, I woke up this morning and went to see the third cardinal baby. He/she had died during the night. I was/am heartbroken. I cried all morning. I realize that this is how nature is, but I was so attached to the little family. Watching as eggs, to chicks and then to see them learning to fly. We keep trying to figure out what to do with the baby. I want to bury it. I'm not sure if the cardinals will use the nest again...maybe not. I see the parents flying around but haven't seen the two babies. I've been sad all day. I'll get over it.

The pics are of the dad and the second of the babies.

Empty nest syndrome...

Cardinal update:

Two of the three chicks learned to fly today. They've left the third behind. He's in there, alone. Jason, Mom and I watched as the mother and father guided one of the chicks to safety after it's nest jump. It's really quite the sight. J got some great pics of it. I'll post them soon. The nest is empty so soon. I hope they stay in our yard. I feel so attached to all of them. The parents are so responsible and caring. What a good example they set.

Tomorrow morning, let's hope the third chick is gone. It's cold out tonight...and he doesn't have his siblings to keep him warm. That's the only thing I hate about nature. Survival of the fittest. If it dies in the nest, I'll have to bury it. Update tomorrow.

Floundering

We put up a bird feeder and a birdbath in the front yard. Initially, it was for the cardinal family. I was worried the parents were spending too long away from the next to find food. Yes, I am aware that this is a silly worry. However, I thought we'd just bring the food to them. Plus it was hot...and they need water, right? Ok, the emotional attachment to these birds is out of hand, I know this. I take pics of the every day...and when they fly away I'll have empty nest syndrome early. The bird feeder is a hit. Mom likes to sit with Z in the front room and watch all of the birds flutter in and out. The squirrels catch what the birds drop to the ground. It's fun to watch them all. Either you find this post charming or you think my life is as boring as any could get.

J's brother Nate is coming tonight with 2 college friends. Could be interesting. 3 19 year olds in the house. hmmm. Then on Sunday, Wendy and clan will be here for 10 days. That's a full house! I look forward to their visit, but it also means that mom's time here is coming to an end. I get so attached to her while she's here. This time, especially. Ugh. I want her to move to Rochester. It's too soon for her. She, like Jason, takes a lot of time to make decisions. I'm a snap decision person. I think I decided to move to Chicago, Cincinnati and then back to Chicago in minutes. I was driving down the road when I decided my move to Cincinnati. My friend Lisa lived there with her husband John. In fact, they were newlyweds and took me in. It was a great time for me. However, I was still in my medicated fog and wasn't much of a roommate I'm afraid. Cincinnati is beautiful. I spent 6 months there as happy as a clam. I love the city and I loved being with Lisa. They were very good to their lost friend. I hope I'm able to pay it forward one day. Some lost soul will need my help and understanding as they muddle through life for a while and I'll be there.

As you can see, I'm rambling...and have little of true importance to say.
Maybe later. I'll try to post some cardinal family pics. Hold your breath!

Sometimes I'm just too much.

I decorated the loft. It's very earthy. I found some great tin trees and suns at Big Lots (yes, Big Lots) and now the loft looks very cabin like. I enjoy it. However, it has cabin like heat as well. It's almost 90, not too bad. It rained a little but the weather man says the big storm is coming. I worry about the 3 babies in the nest. They are doing pretty well. I think it's 2 girls and a boy. They've been trying to keep cool but tonight, I worry the rain and wind will be too much for them. There's nothing I can really do about it but worry.

I cut my hair and dyed it pretty dark. I keep reinventing myself with my hair. It's a little too short, but it'll grow and it'll make the time between the visits longer. My hair has been about every color. Having a baby on my hip makes me feel invisible. People coo and such, but I'm seen as another mother. That's a strange thought to have. I know this. I have issues. I have to look cute and have funky hair in order to feel seen. I HAVE ISSUES!!!

Please God, don't have me try to live out the "pretty girl" fantasy with my daughter. She's pretty and I can tell she's going to continue to be. I went through an ugly girl phase for YEARS. It was just awful. The glasses, buck teeth and frizzy hair just didn't work for me. The experience scarred me. Thus, I must try to do as much with my hair and my appearance to this day. I'm 35 and feel as if I'm entering Jr. High each time I step out into the world.

I want to be 50. At 50, it seems women start to have a sense of who they are and they stop giving a shit about what other people think. They are calm and collected and they just live. I want to be this way. I've always cared too much about the thoughts of others. My insecurities are tied with my passions as well. I'm just a feeler in every way. If you dig a girl like that, it's cool. If you are someone who is more laid back and romance takes a backseat to "real life", I am tiring.

I should have listened to my gut in college. I should have stuck with the film route. They are all self involved people. They all can recreate themselves and constantly fall in love over and over and over. I can't act...but I could direct I feel.

CUT.

"No, it don't break even..."

This past weekend in Cleveland, I talked to J's sister who recently broke up with her boyfriend. When I asked her about it, she immediately teared up. Ugh. "It's hard..." I went to her for a hug and we both started crying. They love each other, but it's just not going to work. I've been there. And the tears came just remembering that heartache. She's so sad and angry and confused. I look at Z and know she, too, will have this feeling at some point in her life. Heartbreak is awful. My first broken heart was around 19 or so. First love was amazing and heart wrenching. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times--definitely. I learned so much about my heart and its expectations and limitations. I'm happy to say that my first love is still a friend of mine still. Whew! I dream about him all of the time. Is that weird? I think its my heart's way of digesting anything related to love. He was the first and the most intense, so my brain plugs him into whatever situation. We were a country song...and now we both have our own families.

I've loved a couple times since. Well, more than a couple I guess. I loved someone who could never love me--I don't recommend that. He loves me now, but it's not romantic love. We are good friends. I loved someone who didn't love himself. Don't recommend that either. We, too, are still friends. I loved someone who wanted to fix me. (Do I need to say it?) And finally, I loved someone who thought I was great just the way I am. Well, maybe not GREAT, but he'll take me as I am. It's all good stuff, but it can all hurt. The dreams, the crying, the what ifs...it's all part of it. But, in the end, you're smarter about yourself. You're stronger. You're more able to recognize the needs you need met. I wouldn't trade my true loves for anything. (I would trade one of my relationships though...but everyone has one of those.)

Loving the friends...or falling for a moment. Done that too. That can be bad. I've lost a few fantastic friends because of my immaturity. It's hard to distinguish how the love should be managed sometimes. They are ALL lessons of the heart. And even now, I am learning. It's not easy. It's damn right difficult really. My heart is still learning.

So, to those who are mending a broken heart right now...don't fret too much. It kills and it hurts and you want to die at times, but you'll come out on the other side eventually. Until then--cry as much as you want and then try to limit it to a few minutes a day. And keep looking good. This is no time to let yourself go!! :) And take mental notes of what went wrong. It'll help for next time. But, if you can, try to realize that the pain you are feeling makes you one with the romantic poets. They all felt that pain in order to write some amazing things! The TRUE artists suffer the most! Lauren Hill has some GREAT break up music. As well as Sheryl Crow, Alanis Morrisette and Beyonce. :)

"Not As We"

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

--Alanis. Now this girl knows how to suffer!!! (Her "Flavors of Entanglement" is a break up album. She wrote it after her break up with Ryan Reynolds.)

Also, another tip...find DVDs of Felicity and THROW yourself into them! That always helps me.

A quick post for no one.

It's Monday morning. We got back from Cleveland last night. J stayed behind to help his parents. Today...a truck is unloading a ton of stuff into our house. Some jems, some still undecided, but all just more stuff. I don't want to fill the house with stuff. Now all I want to do is get rid of anything we don't want/need in order to make room. I like BIG OPEN SPACES. But, having family heirlooms is nice as well. We'll figure it out. It was a tiring weekend, but still enjoyable to be around J's family. They are selling their huge old house and simplifying life. It's a big deal. It's a smart move...but sad and emotionally hard I'm sure.

The baby cardinals are doing very well. It seems that one is stronger than the other two, but all thriving. I'm happy. I'm about to sweep out the garage and make it all pretty for the temp storage delivery. At least the weather is beautiful. Next on the agenda is to clean the loft for the 3 cousins coming this coming weekend. My sis and gang are coming for 10 days. We'll head to Lake Placid for the weekend as they have never been to the Adirondacks. Should be nice. Of course, I put it upon myself for everything to be perfect while they are here. I need to get over it.

Ok, need to get started on the garage. This is a just my little note to the universe. I've read other blogs. They are funny and interesting and wise. Mine? HA. A daily report of my mutterings...but a log at least for me to revisit.

Love to anyone who actually reads! :)

So, the eggs were Cardinal eggs instead of Robin eggs. They sure seemed blue to me. The chicks hatched yesterday morning. When I took the mail out, there was one, an hour later, all three had hatched. Then, the storm came. I was so worried about the small, naked three that I held an umbrella over the nest during the BIG downpour. They made it through the night and have a little bit of downy covering now. Whew! I'm going to be heart broken if all 3 don't make it. Jason said I was interfering with nature, but he was the one that rigged an umbrella to a tripod to hold it while I went to the doctor. (He's a softy)

The doc's visit was inconclusive. They did some blood work. We'll see. My feet ached all night and today. My hands are a little sore. 14 ibuprofen should do the trick--or thinks the doctor. Today, Meryl has to go to the vet. We're all falling apart! She's been wetting outside the litter box. That's always a sign that she's not feeling well. Ugh. She gets so nervous there. Her heart beats so quickly that every vet says she has a heart murmur.

The day is beautiful. It's not too hot. It's partly cloudy. The chicks are thriving. My flowers are getting sun after a day of rain. My daughter is pretty in her little blue dress. My mom and I are having a Mad Men marathon as I clean Jason's office. (He's gone today) My husband is as handsome as Don Draper, but not the asshole. Life is good.

Getting Rusty

I'm headed to the doctor today. For months now I've had aching in my ankles. I ignored it and figured it was my body getting over pregnancy. Then, my hands started to ache. They also swell and become painful during the night. During our vacation it became annoying. Last night I struggled with them and lost sleep. That's the final straw. I value sleep very much--it's my dear friend. My right hand seems to be more affected. I can't form a fist at times. I struggle to open things. When I get up to do something, my ankles feel as if they are FULL of nails. It's so odd! I either have arthritis (since I already have a new hip due to it, it would make sense) or Lupus. I don't have any rashes or anything, so maybe that's not it. The appointment is at 2pm today. The last time I went through this, I had surgery replacing a joint. But, I've put it off long enough. It's time to figure out what the hell is going on. Ugh. Let's hope it is something simple. I feel a bit like the Tin Man. Jason will soon be walking around with an oil can oiling my joints so I can move.

Update soon!

Matt Lauer. Still hot after all these years...

Finally, the robin's nest I promised last week. Still no chicks yet, but the mother is constantly tending to them. If I could hatch an egg and not carry the baby around for 9 months, I would consider more children. As of right now, I'm happy with the one, but hoping for one more. I didn't enjoy pregnancy. It could have been due to the 18 weeks of puking followed by 18 weeks of severe heartburn. Waking up each night to pop Tums and sleep sitting up sucked. Yes, I'm whining. I love my baby...and I know how lucky I am, but still--it wasn't joyful. NOW, we're joyful. And speaking of new joys. Z has a new friend. A 5 foot giraffe that we got for her in Lake Placid. She loves him/her. I decided to let her name it.

That's about all I have. No excitement or deep thoughts to post. I'm reorganizing my kitchen. Those details will put you to sleep. Uhh...I got 3 very cool Beatles pieces of art for my laundry room. (I'm decorating it with my Beatles things since they don't really work anywhere else--doing laundry is VERY COOL now.)

The coolest thing that happened today was that Jason hooked up a Slingbox to our computer in the kitchen and now I can watch The Today Show in the mornings! YAY!!! I love morning news shows--err, I love watching Matt Lauer give me the morning news. Now, I won't miss him as I feed Z and have morning play time.

Yep, no deep thoughts today.

I can see clearly, now...

I'm on a design kick. Here's what I think: when trying to find your place in this world, redecorate. It's focusing my attention on a project and making me feel as if I'm contributing. I realize that taking care of Z is the most important job, but I want to create a home as well. I found this awesome wallpaper for our bedroom. I drug J and Mom around with me as I looked at a couple wallpaper stores. We were going to go with paint, but I love the designs and artistic factor. I still remember the wallpaper in my grandfather's house. It can have lasting affects. Ok, I'm over thinking this, but again...it's a project.

Over the weekend I watched Shutter Island. We watched it twice actually. Mom and I watched in Friday night and all three of us again on Saturday night. If you see the movie, you'll realize the need to see it twice. I enjoyed it, but it then through Jason into the research of lobotomies. I watched a video on YouTube of one. Wow. It's a scary thing. An ice pick...really??!!! Mom and I watched One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest last night to finalize our Mental Health issues movie weekend. I'd seen it years ago, but as most things, I didn't understand it fully until now. I feel I need to rewatch many things. I was either too young or too full of medication to really tune in. I was medicated for about 10 years and it's amazing how much clearer the world is now that I'm now free of it. (I'm not saying medication is a bad thing...but the cocktail I was on was mind numbing--no one should be taking 8-10 pills a day for anxiety/depression.) My time in Chicago is basically a blur. It's sad...I could've REALLY enjoyed it. (Jason came at the end of my fog--I cleared up about 10 months into our dating.)

So yes, the mental health movie marathon may have hit a wee bit close to home. (WOW will you look at that alliteration?!!!) It's fascinating and horrific--the human mind. The mind altering drugs and therapies that can be applied to it is just unreal. Terrifying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0aNILW6ILk

Feel free to watch and comment. Sorry, I couldn't get the link to work, you'll have to cut and paste.

I have horrible control issues.

Well, the evening was fine. The salads went over well. I wasn't thrilled with the meatloaf. Z was too tired for a guest and cried a lot when Dan tried to make her smile. I found myself apologizing for her reactions. Ridiculous. She's a baby and her reactions are what they are. It's almost like I feel responsible for her actions. Even at 7 months, she has free will. We all do. We have free will to do anything we want. We can use it to make the world a better place or make our little daily worlds miserable. I need to remember that I am in control of how I feel about my life. I can focus on the negative or I can see what great things happen around me each day. I can't control anyone else. I can't program people to do what I want them to do. I wish I could sometimes. My life can seem like an engine of some sort. When all of the parts aren't functioning correctly, I get angry. I have a hard time with the "oil" part of it. Oiling joints isn't my strong suit. My mom is a MASTER. I watch her oil different areas of her life to help them run more smoothly. She's selfless at times. I think I rebel against it. I'd like to control her life as well. That's a struggle I have. The feeling that I know what's best for people. I don't. I see how I would do things, but that isn't exactly what would make them happy. I need to work on so many things. I seem as if I'm this angry girl lately. Angry that everyone isn't happy. Angry that I can't do anything about it. I can't control their choices, I can't control how much they work, how much they don't work, how much they love or see how good their lives are. I think every person needs to have a Christmas Carol night. Everyone. Everyone needs to be visited by the 3 ghosts. Everyone needs to see how they affect others...and how it will affect their future. I'm not saying everyone is nasty as Scrooge. Maybe I should go more with the Frank Capra example. It IS A Wonderful Life, isn't it???

I realize this blog is FULL of hidden meanings and that I'm not addressing anything in particular--I apologize. I'm protecting the innocent.

Think about the three ghosts today...or think about Clarence-either way. I think it can be a good way of seeing how your life is playing out thus far. But mostly, if you don't understand either reference...find the movies and watch them.

Don't read!! There is a monster at the end of this blog!!!

I've been cooking all day. Tonight I'm repaying my friend Dan for cat sitting while we were gone. The menu: A new meatloaf I found that has shredded carrots and potatoes in it, potato salad, cherry coke jello salad, green salad, dutch apple pie and homemade ice cream. Lots of salad I realize. It should be good. It takes a long time to do all of that--it's surprising. Z has been up all day. She just now past out in our bed. I had to hum in her ear and have her believe nothing else was going to happen today. She just doesn't want to miss anything.

The days go too quickly. In my head, I am able to accomplish a lot. Realistically, it just doesn't happen. I wanted to paint the master bedroom and the back hallway while my mom can help me. We're just not finding the time. Time reminds me of a childhood book I used to read. It's a book where Grover (from Sesame Street) keeps trying to get you to NOT TURN THE PAGE!! He says there is a monster at the end of the book. He does everything he can, but we keep on turning the pages. We just can't help ourselves. That's how I feel--no matter how much I want to cram into a day, the day keeps ticking along and finally ends with me too exhausted to do most of it. I feel good about today. I made it to the grocery store and made my dinner and even made my first batch of homemade ice cream. But again, I'm making a list of my accomplishments as if they matter. I put a postcard of Walden Pond next to me on the desk. On the other side is Squam Lake (where On Golden Pond was filmed). They are meant to inspire me. Inspire me to do what? I'm not sure yet. The thing is, I've always wanted to have this "deep" life where I sit and think about things and write out my ideas and be all thought provoking and wow people with my intellect. Ha. it's just not like that. Life is full of daily tasks that rule you. I don't want to feel that I have to sweep, but I do. I don't want to feel that the laundry must be done, but it does. The best I can do is not watch crap t.v. I can try to fit in a few sentences of a book before I go to sleep. If I can finish 1 book this summer, I'll feel accomplished. I'm still working on A Reliable Wife. I got side tracked with Thoreau's diaries a bit.

One really cool thing I saw today. Right outside our front door is a bush where a mother robin has built her nest. 3 little blue speckled eggs are inside. I took great pics of it. I'll post them tomorrow. I'm hopeful for those 3 eggs. We had landscapers come and they trimmed right up to the nest, but didn't destroy it.

Let's hope the evening has some good conversation to go with the salads.

Into the deep

Today I didn't wear make up and let my hair dry curly. The house is back to normal, but I'm still reeling from my trip. I keep thinking about my walk about Walden pond. It was bigger than I thought it would be. It was also more public. People swimming everywhere. I was imagining it a quiet and serene place to be. The woods were, to a point. Everyone walking around lost due to the lack of signs indicating where Thoreau's house was located. The lower paths were flooded and the detour signs were very lacking. At one point, I got lost from J and mom because I decided to take a lower path by the water. In every break in the trees, people set up their little camps to swim. There wasn't a beach to sit on on these side sites, but just rocks that people perched on. It was hot. Steamy, in fact. The entire trip was uncharacteristic of East coast weather. We were worn out from our days gallivanting about. When I finally found my party and we finally found his house site (almost giving up at one point), I focused more on the fact that his cabin was so tiny. It was just enough for a bed, a chair and table and a fireplace. He spent 26 months there I believe. I took a picture of his view. I am starting to read his journal. He wrote it a few years before Walden. Something about this experience is gnawing at me. I'm not sure yet. I'm so curious as to what his day to day was like. I'm wanting to leave my house and go somewhere and read it for days. It makes me want to take a break from people myself. I live with a mini-me attached to me at all times. She is adorable...but the borders of her body and mine are starting to blur. My thoughts are preoccupied with the order of my house and the times of feedings and changings. This is just like every other mom out there, I know this. But, to be in a place where a man just sat and wrote and thought for days on end intrigued me. I realized how many thoughts I don't think. How many meanings I'm not finding. I'm on hold in a way. My intellect is stagnant. We traveled through many towns were artists created their works. We walked amongst their headstones. Their impact on literature...I feel as if I'm now being haunted. I know this seems silly, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing something. There's a thought out there I'm supposed to have and I'm not thinking it. My heart isn't romantic at the moment. I'm not inspired to write poetry dripping with lust and passion. I'm in awe of a little girl. It's just a different part of my heart. Since I was 16, I've felt out of one side and now...the complete sweet and innocent side of my heart has the dust blown off of it and it's odd. I see my heart in chambers. My dream is to make use of all of it at the same time. Did Thoreau do this? I'm curious to find out.

I'm also haunted a bit by the House of Seven Gables. Walking around this bizarre home was so odd to me. Reading about Nathaniel Hawthorne and his dark and recluse life--how did he create? How was he able to really understand a soul? He spent years alone. Why? What possessed to be this way? I keep thinking about how I walked on the same boarded floor as he did. Seeing the bed he slept in as a child. Seeing the chairs he sat in as an adult. It's fascinating to me.

It's late and I need to head to bed. My dreams have been filled with old lovers lately. So odd. I just keep dreaming about times past. Well, of people past. I think I dream about JM because he was the introduction to that side of my heart--the passion side. To have someone unlock that for the first time...young love. Those types of experiences are what inspired the poets back then. I think it's my subconscious telling me I need to write. I need to tap into more than just an account of my daily duties. Maybe I need to dig a bit deeper. I think it's odd that a dream with stick with me for days. I wake up feeling just as I had years before. It's kind of a cool experience. However, it can be painful at times.

Home

We are home from our New England meanderings. I'll share some pics soon. It was a great trip, but man--we are all exhausted! It was too hot for the East and I'm afraid it wore us down some days. The sights were inspiring. I have much to expand on and share. Today, I'm spending the day putting everything away. Much laundry has to be done (though we did do it on the road) and places need to be found for mementos. Hopefully I'll have some time this evening to reflect a little. Until then...

I want to RELAX

We leave on our New England journey tomorrow. I want to feel as if it's the last day of school, but I don't. I miss having those types of feelings. I think it's just too hard to relax at this stage in the game. Later, when she can entertain herself with friends or when I don't have to aid her in every endeavor, it will be easier. I love that she is attached to me. I love that she is happy and laughing and relaxed around me. I will miss this stage. At the same time, I'm ready to talk to her. I have such good conversations with my own mother...I can't wait for the same. I never went through the stage of hating my parents. That's probably because my mom was more of my pal and I was too concerned if my dad liked me at all.

We are headed to Bennington, VT first. This is an obvious choice. We'll see how many souvenirs I come back with from there. Then, on to Lake Placid, NY, Burlington, VT, Somewhere, NH, Boston, MA, Mystic, CT and then home. I plan on being completely exhausted and wanting space from everyone by the time I get home.

Vacations as a kid are things you just don't understand at the time. They are planned mostly for you. Your parents shell out big bucks in order to show you things and keep you entertained. You don't have to worry about whether they can afford it or if something was just a little too expensive or not. You don't have to worry about what shorts you can still fit into and look good. You aren't worried about laundry or if you are eating too much. It's just glorious fun. Of course, Z won't remember this one--and it wasn't planned with her in mind. It's more of a scouting trip for future summers. "Where can we get a rental house and just lie around all day and eat great meals in the evening??" That's at least what my goal is. Jason's goal is to see great places of history. After Waldon Pond and seeing the place where On Golden Pond was filmed, I'm just along for the ride. He and Mom and salivate over all of the Civil War crap and Plymouth Rock. I don't mean to sound as if I don't appreciate these things...I just want to have someone take my child for the day so I can sit on a Adirondack chair on the beach somewhere, read magazines, drink something fruity and alcoholic and come home with a slight sting of sun to zonk out in a big fluffy bed. I've seen too many summer get away movies. HA!! At this point, if a young 15 year old boy saw me from a far and thought I was hot--I'd be satisfied. (ok, that's for the Summer of '42 crowd...not that I'm a pedophile.)

Father knows best

I'm writing without having my house cleaned. I think I'm growing. Each night, I try to pick it up so it looks like new again before another day wrecks it. Normal people would look past it all and enjoy their lives. I've developed OCD, I'm convinced. Jason's birthday was yesterday and I focused so much on the meal being perfect that I was yelling at him to eat. I find myself a bit snippy at him lately. I think I'm just frustrated. My environment isn't in order and there are many things to do before we go on our 9 day New England trip. My mom is here...that's been nice. We run the errands together and find silly things to laugh about. Some of our giggles remind me of being little girls--not that I ever knew my mom as such. She'll be here all month.

While we were in KS, Z ran a temperature for about 5 days. On the 5th day, it spiked to 103.8, so we took her to the doctor. They couldn't find anything wrong with her. Today, the 3rd lab test revealed that she had a very rare bacteria. They didn't know what it was or what to do about it. ??? Uh...ok. They referred me to my pediatrician. It's called Stenotrophomonas Maltophilia. Does anyone know what this is? I Googled it and I couldn't even comprehend was I read. I'll call our doctor tomorrow. It doesn't sound good. The information I did find was pretty yucky. hmmm...more to come on that.

I think my "bi-polar" issues in college are reappearing in this OCD thing. I'm really focusing on strange things. I obsess about things I can't change. I feel as if it all has to look right--everything neat and tidy and clean. As soon as Z leaves one play area, I have to pick it all up and put it away even though she might be back there in an hour or two. I'll get over this, right? This is just a new mom thing? I can't keep up with it all. I'm exhausted. I have to cook meals, clean, be a happy-perfect mommy, clean, feed, play, decorate, look cute, do my hair, clean--etc EACH day. That's fucked up, right?

I keep reflecting on my trip. It was good. I spent it mostly with my father and step-mom. I don't usually do that. I usually split time between the families. I'm really the only one that does this out of my family. Wendy doesn't worry about it and Mandi and Eric aren't close to their dad. I'm the one overly concerned about EVERYONE'S feeling and making sure I spend time appropriately. It sucks. Let's be real. Yes, I'm very happy I have a good relationship with both parents, but it's exhausting. Plus, if your siblings don't view things the same way, they just don't get it. My father said probably the nicest things he's ever said to me during this trip. (I barely spoke to him in my 20s and made myself mentally ill over trying to be the person he wanted me to be.) Well, my years of mental illness paid off!! He seems to really like me now. I just had to marry the "perfect man", move to a beautiful state, have a nice house, have a happy baby, look slender and have my hair straightened. Seems to have worked. Oh, I also have to master small talk and never get too deep into conversations about feelings. This how I see it. It's probably not like it at all. I'm sure I invented a lot of it. He probably liked me all along. Right?

I'm back

And I'm too tired to even write this with any great detail or depth at the moment. I will say some pics are coming and more in depth analysis is on the way. Currently, I need a nap. Jason is in the other room with Zo'. She learned to sit up while we were gone. Wow! A whole new child! It's fun to see her grow...and really start figuring things out. She also grew a neck while we were traveling. Before, her head just sat on her shoulders and grew nasty milk bi-products. She has such a nice stature and no head tilt. The trip was positive. I have much to discuss. I have much to think about. I have much to smile about and remember. It was like I was in a Twilight Zone episode--things went well???? WTF??

More to come---

Today is the day!!

We leave in an hour. Not sure when I'll be able to blog next. I'm hoping the flight goes okay with Z. I'm a nervous flyer...very nervous. I found two Valium from a bit ago and felt like I'd won the lottery. I think that's too strong to be with it, so I can't go that route. Z's been whiny this morning. Not sure what that's about. She's been very tired lately. She must be growing...and wondering what's wrong with her mom. I was thinking this morning as I was doing my hair...that the stories I wrote in college (I was a creative writing major) have the same characters in them that I'm about to see. My teacher, after reading the first story, said if the characters were real that he wanted me to stick with them and spend the entire 2 years in his class. So, I did. I have 4 stories of my crazy family. I found some humor in that fact. Maybe I should write another short story when I get home.

Z isn't giving up, I need to reassure her about her life and how things are going to be fine and how much I love her. (Or, she'll do that for me)

Later----

As I was frantically cleaning so J comes home to a clean house, I was thinking..."Cleanliness next to Godliness"---no. It's next to Craziness. I clean to stay calm. My years past of being a slob (which people constantly remind me of) makes me feel as if I have a clean house, then I'm fine. That's fucked up, right? TOO clean of house makes you look like you have no life and that you have control issues. I do have control issues. Clean it, make it clean...then you have purpose, people won't judge you, people won't find you a mess...people will see that you've changed. The truth is...it just reminds me that I'm still a bit off. (But aren't the best and most interesting people a bit off???)

We leave tomorrow.

Last night I could barely sleep and today I was up before Z and J. I showered and started packing. I have Z all packed and I'm pretty much done with my own bag aside from all the shit I need in the morning. I made some calls and nailed down my visits and am starting to be able to breathe again. This whole thing is ridiculous. I'm referring to my over reaction to this trip. I'm anticipating hurt feelings and awkwardness. That's sad. I'm going home...a place that should be a safe zone. Instead, I feel as if I'm headed into war. If it wasn't $140/hr to talk to Joan, I'd call her. I should be excited to introduce Z to my good friends and see family! I need to chill out. This is so damn boring to read.

To add to the stress, my perfect child has become Miss WHINY!!! I understand her teeth are hurting her, but geesh. She's been adorable and great. Now, when we're about to show her off, she's a little demon. She's cute, but a little annoying to me right now. She's very vocal. Could she be sensing my neurosis? Great...it's like a virus.

Jason hasn't started packing. He won't until tomorrow morning. If the guy were headed out on a month long trip overseas, he'd still wait until an hour before we have to leave. I used to find it kind of wild, but now I find it nuts. He's missed an international flight before...this is the kind of guy he is. I should learn to accept it and just start putting things out that he needs to pack as some sort of guide. A lot of women pack their husbands. No way. This man has to pick out his own clothes and make sure he has ALL of his hair/skin products that he needs. He's a bit metrosexual, but he's hot, so I'll deal.

I've started my journey out into blog world. I've been in it for years, but haven't really gone digging before. I'm kind of excited to be inspired by others--either that or I'll just keep finding more and more women who are just that much cooler than me. (probably)

Need a facelift

I'm trying to revamp this blog. It's boring. The layout is blah. I changed the colors, but I still don't like it. Where do people find their cool templates??? Please advise.

"Effing" get over yourself.

I've been reading other blogs. I normally steer clear because I find they could intimidate my writing my own. That's stupid. Kortney told me that there are some I'd like, so I went to look. I realized that people cuss in their blogs. Why don't I? I cuss all of the time. I'm trying to calm it down because of Z but that's how I talk. I say fuck a lot. I say shit, but mostly fuck. I don't blog how I talk. It's not my true voice. I need to grow a little here. Let's get real. I also don't blog my true thoughts about things a lot of the time for fear of hurting feelings. Who fucking cares? It's not like anyone outside of 3 other people really knows who I am--or knows who I'm talking about. I'm too safe. I'm tired, it restricts me. Blogging is supposed to be about freedom. At least it was to be that for me. It's not suppose to be another place where I try to make everyone happy. You need to save that game face for family gatherings! God...my family. Sigh. I love them but I feel like an alien a lot of the time. I look a lot with squinted eyes and a cocked head thinking, "really??!!!"

I'm tired and need to sleep. I'm up because I'm having anxiety about my trip home. This is bullshit! God, I need to get over this. I'm 35. I'm a mom now. I'm suppose to have super fucking powers now.

t minus 2 days...

Ok, I'm a little calmer, but not much. I called Becky and vented a bit about all I have to do and she assured me it will be ok. She also said, "if things start to go crazy, call me and I'll come scoop you up and bring you to my house." That's a nice back up plan. It's always good to have one of those. I'm sure it won't result in that...but a good friend makes sure you know that there is always an out.

Today I went to the bank to cancel my card and get a new one. FRAUD ALERT. Yep, we've been hacked and some gamer is using my card to buy their shit. Annoying. I miss Atari games. Just a side note there.

Speaking of technology, I hate that Zoë won't have the things I grew up with. Atari was so cool, now it looks ridiculous. We own a record player, so she'll at least know what one is. She won't know or understand a Walkman. She'll want an ipodish something...and I'm sure mine will look ancient by the time she wants one. She won't understand video tapes or cassette tapes. She won't get to record the top 10 with the intros. She won't send as many letters--though I'm determined that she get a pen pal--not an email pal. Will she be creative with her time? Will she have any patience? I know I struggle with this. I can't keep her from the outside world or keep her from experiencing the new waves of technology, but I worry about her brain cells being matured by having to figure stuff out for herself.

In St. John, growing up was all about imagination. We had to figure out how to spend our time. We didn't have a mall or a movie theatre. We played outside and rode our bikes everywhere. I love those times. Rochester isn't going to have that freedom. I hate that for her. St. John is small and there's "nothing to do there" but it's a great place to grow up because you have to use as much imagination as you can to FIND the fun. Plus, it's safe. You can be out until the whistle blows and come home without worry. You can ride your bike everywhere and not worry about being taken. You can go get an ice cream cone on a summer night. You can swim and watch baseball...or go play on the swings at any age. You can spend your nights talking with your friends...walking around and really bond. In big cities, I think this can get lost with the phones, texting and such.

But, then...I'm talking about the 90s and before. Who knows what it's like now. I'll report back.

T minus 3 days.

I'm headed to Kansas on Thursday. Z and I will be there for 2 weeks after J leaves us on Sunday. I would like to say I'm looking forward to the visit, but I'm anxiety ridden and grumpy today. Last time I came back from there I was horribly depressed for 2 weeks and Jason wasn't happy. I know he's already dreading it. "Maybe we can change the flight and you can just come back early." I think it's sweet that he worries. Maybe this time will be different. Z is a joy to be around--how could people get cranky when she's around? How could they bring up things that aren't good to talk about...or keep commenting on how they didn't think I'd be a good mom when I was in my 20s. Uhhh...I WASN'T a mom in my twenties!! Such a strange thing to say. Or how about telling me what a disappointment I was to my grandparents whom I adored. Or yelling at me when I'm trying to help--cursing at me and making me feel as if I'm totally not welcome. St. John is a town full of good memories. I loved high school, I loved my friends, I loved falling in love there. It's a place that could be a magical place to visit...but it isn't. It's full of stress. Things have changed. My house has changed. My town is smaller, the businesses are gone, the kids are cruel and annoying. I'm going to go on lots of walks, I can tell. I'll remember old times and tell them to Z. I'll wish my friends were home--all of them in the homes they had in the early 90s. I'll wish that I'd been more mature...that I would have stood up for myself more, that I didn't turn back into an awkward teen at the first sound of annoyance in my direction. I'll leave thinking I won't be back for some time.

Or--it'll be swell. Everyone will be loving and happy to see us. The conversations will be uplifting and hopeful. I'll love it. Z will feel at ease and happy. I'll be so happy I went. Everyone will have gotten over their past baggage and rudeness and it'll be almost movie-like. I'll hear background music everywhere I go.

It's starting to keep me up at night...

I've been looking around online to see if there is a book that resembles the one I want to write. Nothing so far. That's cool. I'm getting more and more excited. I'm just thinking about it a lot now...nothing on paper. I'm going to try my best to write some notes down tonight or tomorrow. It will take some research and some open minded women to help complete it. There are a few women I know will do a great job with my interviews. Some are more open than others. I'm not thinking even some of my closest friends will feel they can open up that much. I want to make a compilation of the insights of women. It is very in depth and complicated--but I'm excited for the journey. Maybe I'll put an email together and send it out to some ladies to get their thoughts.

I'd go into more detail, but I don't want to put the entire idea out in the universe...who knows who might beat me to the punch! I'm thinking that this project will take years to complete, but I'm passionate about it and feel that if it's done right...it might be something great for me to put out into the world--and to leave for my daughter.

1096 days later...

Today is J and my 3 year anniversary. It seems longer, but not in a bad way. I feel that I've known him all my life. He certainly seems to know me that well. I guess I've known him since 2002. That's 8 years. We had our own lives for a long time. Our "story" is one that is either received with a raised eyebrow or with total acceptance. His roommate, which is how I met him, was my boyfriend for 3 years. T is a nice person, it makes sense that his roommate would be a good person as well. 3 years. (I usually get, "WOW, 3 years! That's quite a long time.!") It was a growing time for me unfortunately. T didn't get the "balanced" Valerie, but he loved me through my ups and downs and there is much to say for that. I believe we meet people during time in our lives that are there to help us through. I fear it was one sided, but hopefully he has some fond memories to look back on.

Jason was the roommate that was always in and out. He kept odd hours and didn't sleep much. He was very kind and a bit awkward but we seemed to have music and movies in common which helped with small talk. For years, we were just acquaintances really. I'd say friends, but that really didn't happen until later on.

After T and I ended--a very long, painful and drawn out process--ugh...Jason and I became roommates. (there is a long story that should be inserted here as to how and why I needed a roommate and how it became him, but I'm trying to make this brief.) I needed a place to stay and he was not really using his place. We both talked it over with T first, who was fine with it. (of course, I don't think he thought we'd get married eventually.) When I moved in, Jason was suppose to be in Alabama for long periods of time. (I'd been getting his mail for him when I spotted the extra room that looked perfect for me.) However, his project ended and he was suddenly around. He was single, I was single--but the T factor was an issue for a while. After weeks of becoming closer friends...talking, laughing and realizing how much we had in common...the spark ignited. We sparked for about 7 months before the L word came into the mix. After that...the rest is history.

We got married on a ship without our families or friends. We seem to always create just enough space for the two of us to grow. We love having people come see us and to spend time with others, but for some reason, we're always out in the world roughing it alone. Now, Z is here...and our world seems complete. I'd say our friendship is the key to everything. Romance can be hard when people are working, tired, dealing with internal issues and just trying to keep up. But, we laugh every day and we love the little world we've created. Marriage is hard. It's just work. Sometimes, it's more work than I thought it would be, but as I talk to people...everyone says that's exactly how it is. At the end of the day, we love each other. He is my partner in this universe and we have this perfect little being that we are raising. Life is good.

Happy Anniversary Honey. Our grandparents, who were married 61 years, each had that 3rd year. There are so many experiences to be had. We are both forever changing and growing...it's cool to see and experience it all. Thank you for trying to make me laugh as much as possible.

Nothing important

We went to Cleveland for the long weekend. And, it was long... Z is teething and wasn't her normally charming self. We are spoiled. My child has been an angel for so long that her cries and frustrations with breaking teeth are met with shock and fatigue. It hasn't been really bad, but it's been more challenging than I'm used to. She's getting her two bottom front teeth. 2 at a time? Gosh. I'm glad I'm no long breast feeding. I see how she bites the bottle and it makes me cringe.

The bags need unpacked, laundry done and things need to get back to normal. I did realize that I'm ready for our vacation. We slept at a hotel last night and it was kind of fun. A break in the cycle. Z had her own bed and crashed pretty well. Getting up and heading down for breakfast that was already made was heavenly. Not having to worry about cleaning up the room, ahhh. Today, I'm tired. Grandma's bed wasn't very comfy and J and I kept waking up at 5am just to chat--that's nice....but makes for very long days. Tonight, I plan on heading to bed after Z and trying to enjoy my big, soft bed.

"I'm still cool, right? Shit, what if I'm not...was I ever???"

I just got back in from mowing the yard. I love doing it. I think it reminds me of childhood. The sound of the motor, the smell of grass and feeling accomplished when you are done. I used to mow my grandpa's yard. He had a riding mower. I wasn't good at it, I was lazy when I did it, but he let me do it every week anyway. He paid me for it. In fact, mowing his yard my senior year allowed me to go on the senior ski trip. He loved to find reasons to give to me. He used to sit out on the patio and watch. When I was done, we'd throw all of the clippings in grass trailer and take them to the dump. Grandma would go along when we did this. I'd jump in the back with a pitchfork and throw them into the hole in the ground. It's amazing how this memory, boring to most, is something I treasure. Jason occasionally shoots video of me mowing or weed whacking--I think he thinks I'm a rare breed. He says it's the Kansas in me. I think it's just me trying to hold on to any kind of memory trigger I can. Also, it's one of the ways I can exercise. I'm trying to get back some resemblance of my former body. It will never be the way it was, I'm ok with that. AS long as I can fit comfortably into my clothes, I'm fine.

Mowing also makes me feel more...manly. That's silly. With all of this baby time and cleaning, I'm starting to feel as if I'm disappearing. The purple hair was part of my reappearing act. I wanted to pierce my nose, but then I read some in my Maya Angelou book and it convinced me otherwise. Damn it Maya! My fingernails are blue, my toenails are purple. What am I trying to prove? "I'm not boring. I'm not a boring mommy...housekeeper...cook...whatever." I'm still cool!!!! Well, I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I'm driving Jason crazy with my obsessive cleaning. I'm driving myself nuts, too. It's a delicate balance I think. I'm trying very hard to keep complete control over my surroundings thinking it will medicate me. Not that I'm depressed, I don't feel depressed. I'm just worried about becoming that way. My depression is like I'm an alcoholic. It's always there...it's just whether I participate in it or not. I've been "clean" for over 3 years now (with a minor hiccup now and then). It feels good. It's probably making me less fun...at least at times. Another reason for purple hair. I'm FUN!!! I'm spontaneous!! I'm not a cookie cutter mommy!! (My mantra)

How many times have I said I need to talk to my therapist and I haven't called???

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This is our new table...and I LOVE IT. I have yet to find a suitable tablecloth for it but it will do just fine. This is the shortest post but I had to share my joy. Come over for dinner!!

I'm writing just to post something, anything. 90% of the time, I sit down and have no idea what I'll end up writing about. Tonight, I watched the series finale of LOST. I'm still thinking about it--but I really found it touching. I will expand on those thoughts later, but I need a night to sleep on it.

Just watched Julia Roberts on Oprah. I need to finish Eat Pray Love. I started reading it...I think it was the wrong time of my life. It might be the right time now. I have to connect to a book in some way to enjoy it. That's strange. At least now...in my "searching" part of life. I've been searching forever it seems. What am I looking for? The easiest answer is "myself." With each year, I feel as if I get closer, but I'm still waiting to feel a certain way about myself. I can't explain it. Something is missing. I'm afraid of failure...and of not finishing things. My idea for my book, for example. Why don't I just start working on it?? Probably because its completion relies on others to help. I worry that no one will have the time to be a part of it and it will just be something that no one returns to me. It's a compilation of things. It's sort of a study of women. My idea at least starts with a mailing to a lot of the women in my life to fill out. But, it'll take time and thought. Most of my friends don't have this luxury--they are too busy with work or children or both.

Maybe if I just started the composing of the mailing, it would help. hmmmm.

Z went to bed like an angel tonight. I can't figure out what the magic trick is. What am I doing right?

I'm off to find that book now. I have too many books that I haven't read in my home. It's filled with them really. I was thinking about that, too. One day, Z is going to say, "Mommy...we have LOTS of books in our house! Which ones did you read?" I need to have a good answer.

I'll start tonight.

It's Complicated.

It's Friday night. We grilled (sort of--used the GF grill). We ate and then we had baby baby bath time. Z has been a nightmare about going to bed lately. Tonight, as if she'd known I'd been bad mouthing her to my girlfriends, she fell asleep on our bed at 8ish and was easily moved into her own room. She's still crashed out. We took a long walk in the sun today, maybe that helped.

Tomorrow we are getting our new dining room table delivered. I can't wait. We've had our pub table since Chicago and it is just too tall to enjoy. It doesn't fit a family. My God how my life has changed. I'm excited about a table.

This week rekindled my love of Facebook. I found an old friend from college that I've spent a lot of time thinking of since we stopped talking over 10 years ago. It was your basic boy meet girl, boy and girl become inseparable friends for over a year, they kiss, they do more and it ruins it. I've regretted the loss of that friendship ever since. Another lesson to teach Z. If you find a soul mate kind of friendship and you're not sure about the romance part...stay away from it. You can love someone deeply without it being romantic love. That's a tough one to learn at 19. Growing up in a small town, you don't get a lot of experiences that make you ready for college friendships with boys. You think every boy has to be something romantic eventually. Wrong.

I had a similar case in Chicago. This is an interesting story. The person I'm writing about is probably reading this too... Anyway, I met a boy who had that same soul mate friendship thing going on. This one was more complicated though. Although I knew he was gay, I didn't really care. He was wonderful, funny, hot, adorable, smart, bright and loved to sing all the same songs as me! We used to spend the night together and wake up singing Harry Connick Jr. We cuddled and just were crazy about each other. I remember sitting in his living room and thinking, "THIS is why I moved to Chicago...this friendship." Ugh...I love him still. Obviously nothing happened there. Another lesson in "you can't choose the people you love, you just love them."

With Jason...I remember thinking how much I felt I had in common with him. I adored him. I was dating his roommate at the time...(man! I love complications!!) He was sweet and hot and gave really great hugs. I crushed on him for a long time. At first it was harmless...and then it wasn't. Now, I'm married to my crush. I still feel it. I see him and think, "my gosh, HE'S my husband...he's so hot and kind and smart and yummy." It's sick really. I love it.

Open your heart. It doesn't pay to ever get jaded...the highs and lows of love are what make life worth it. (you know i'm talking to you...)

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