On being a woman.

I finished the conversation with Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker.  Wilma Mankiller was also there. They are all dear friends and it was so enlightening to hear what all they had to say. I'm literally going to have to listen to it again in order to absorb it all. Alice is such a lover of all things and is so in the present. She's able to enjoy solitude and feels that it's healing for her. She feels that we all should sit quietly for a time before reacting too quickly to things in our lives. Gloria struggles with both sitting quietly and solitude. She cared for her mother as a young girl and wasn't given the attention she needed growing up. She finds peace in helping others; as if being needed gave her purpose and made her feel seen. I struggle with sitting quietly. I am really trying to do more of it. I'm trying to learn more and understand more. I realize that escaping into TV or the movies doesn't do me any good. I'm not growing. I'm sort of...maintaining. Tonight I'm staying away from the TV and headed to the library. My audio books are getting expensive to buy so I'm going to check some out. I need quiet. I need some time alone. I had an idea for a little book of poems. I need to make some notes. I'll try to outline the important points of the Y conversation and put it here. As a woman, there are so many things to know about yourself. Things that you don't even think about. Things you've grown to understand...that are wrong. I'm doing my best to reach out and find as many women writers and artists to learn from. I have so much to bestow onto Z.

I'm so sick of these vague posts. They need more meat. I write when I'm too fatigued. I will try harder.

A Conversation at the 92nd St. Y

I was looking around i tunes and found a great little piece--A Conversation with Alice Walker and Gloria Steinem. It's so good. They speak their thoughts about their mothers, women in culture, religion and the earth. I know that is a broad description. As soon as I finish, I promise, I'll write more in depth about it. I finished Find Me. I really like Rosie's reading voice. She also does characters well. It's a whacky, yet touching true story. It showed me a side to her I hadn't seen before. She feels the need to fix...almost to the point of her own destruction.

I'm exhausted. Thoughts running...must rest.
More soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs


I saw this on another blog and had to post it myself. Really enjoyed it.

Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own.

For we think back through our mothers, if we are women.

Find Me. Find Someone.

Still listening to Rosie's book, Find Me. There are many things to say about it, but here...I just want to say that we all have a bit of crazy in us. We all have issues, even the rich and famous. Even the comedians. Even the happy. Some are just better at hiding. I do feel that hiding your hurts can help your children. However, letting other adults see your hurts may not only help you, but let someone else feel less alone. People need to reach out more. People should lean more. Save your children and tell your friends. Spread it out. Don't drown people...but offer a life vest when you see a need.

The cool air is blowing through the screen and I can feel it on my shoulders. It's comforting and chilly. Summer is done.

Everything's coming up Rosie

It's still technically summer but Jason and I are already planning Halloween activities. The leaves are starting to change. Ahhh. I love it! It's hot today. We're doing yard work that we've ignored long enough. The garage needed cleaning and the gutters need all the leaves pulled out of them. Time to start shopping for decorations. Z is going to be a bat this year. She loves the little bat above the door, so why not. I'll dig out my witch costume. I think I could probably use the wig and be Mrs. Bates (Norman's mom), but I feel it would be lost on some. Actually, if I was Norman AS his mom, that might work. I'd LOVE to talk Jason into that, but there's not chance in hell. He loves Halloween, but hates dressing up. Maybe Dustin since he'll be here!!

Z is currently chowing down on Chobani yogurt and saying, "mmmm! yumm...mmmm" What a dairy queen.

I tried to converse with the neighbor across the street today as he was about 5 yards from me. "Wow, your trees look pretty! The leaves look like roses in your tree. Bright red." No response. He didn't even look up at me. Even when Z said hello to him. Nothing. I know he's not deaf. Hmmm. Shy or rude? I'm going to go with FIERCELY shy to retain my faith in him. One day he'll look up and smile. 

BTW, I'm now listening to a new book, Find Me by Rosie O'Donnell.  Whether you like her or not, it's a fascinating story. It's about a young girl she helped out and the events that occurred. It's sort of a mystery and everything isn't spelled out quite yet. I'll let you know the final outcome. Here's a review:

From Publishers Weekly

One day, TV talk show host O'Donnell (Kids Are Punny), aka Rosie, impulsively left a phone message for a pregnant, 14-year-old girl, whose tragic story of rape she had learned about at the New Jersey adoption agency she funds. Within days, the girl, Stacie, called back. Rosie introduced herself and offered to help the girl in any way she could. "And as I said those words, it was like a shell breaking open or a bird coming out," writes O'Donnell. "I said hello and a crack came, and we all fell in, straight into looking-glass land." What follows is an enormously powerful story about the mystery of identity, about how forces strong enough to shatter one person can make another shine like a diamond. Rosie chronicles her increasingly obsessive phone and e-mail relationship with a poor, broken kid who comes to show her that beneath her gifts of humor, fame, money and even love, she is still the child who lost her mother and is calling out to her. But what makes this brief book extraordinary by any standard is that it captures the way a core self, a true I, can appear in the midst of the most broken life. In the kind of lean, clean, witty prose that comes only with complete honesty, Rosie imparts some unexpected truths. Readers will come away persuaded that the road of obsessiveness can sometimes lead to the palace of wisdom, that faith and grace are real. Those who declare this merely a sexual "coming-out" story (there are passing references to dating a woman and to Rosie's partner, Kelli) need a heart and brain transplant. Here, Rosie offers us an unsentimental and utterly real tale about the power of love.

The grass isn't greener.

Lazy day. Cool, breezy and all our friends outside seemed to be relaxing as well. A mother deer and her fawn took a nap in the backyard for a bit. Little one ran off to play and mom lied in the yard for quite a while. I snapped a pic and uploaded it to Twitter. (vbvidmar) Our bat is vacationing. She hasn't been sleeping above the door in two days. She normally is only here about 4-5 days a week. Z likes to go see if she's here in the morning. That's a little disappointing for her. I had the screen open listening to the outside noises. I heard an owl, but didn't see him. I believe I caught a shot of him once. I'll have to upload it for you. It's fuzzy though.

Not a lot going on inside the house. I was getting a little anxious about all of the visitors we're having. Not that they are coming, but WHEN...it's hard to get the dates nailed down. I'm trying to have a girls' weekend but it's tough with everyone's schedules. That may have to be delayed. Dustin is coming for a week at the end of October for Halloween. That will be great fun. He, Jason and I love Halloween. My Dad and his wife are coming mid-September for about 5 days. He hasn't seen Z since she turned 1. Gosh. He's in for it. She's almost two now. Unbelievable. It's gone by so quickly...and yet, not. All I can do right now is think about pushing the reset button. I watch Z's baby videos of when she was first born and think, "yes, let's do it again." Then, something else will come up in my head and I think, "we're perfect right now." I just don't know. I feel like I'll wake up and know.

I always love change. But, life is good now. I love my family, my house, my city...my life. It's difficult to think about what could be. When life is good...it's hard to think about messing with the chemistry of it all. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like something needed to change. I would feel miserable or depressed. I'd feel so unsettled. Now, I feel mostly at peace. I don't feel anything missing. Do I wish things were perfect in other aspects of my life? Sure...but as for what I can control, I feel okay.

How many people make big changes when they don't feel the need for it?

Might be in need of a straight jacket...

It's a chilly morning. My anxiety is full blown for some reason. Z took an early nap--she asked to go lie down, poor girl. I took a shower, started the washer, folded clothes, made the bed, cleaned up the kitchen and still have anxiety. Not sure what it's about. Well, that's not true. It's my control issues. I have them and it's starting to drive me crazy. I need things to be perfect. Perfect to me means balanced, healthy, clean and happy. Some of the people in my life are struggling. I see where they need help and it is so difficult for me not to want to literally swoop in and deal with it myself. As if I have all of the answers. This morning, playing with Z and her little doll house, it was as if that was what I was trying to do in my own life. Pick up dolls, place them where you want them. Arrange the house the way you want it. Make the dolls go to bed, eat, play, etc. It's sort of sick to have that realization about yourself. I want to play God. I want everyone to take my advice. I want people to do as I say. I want them to do because I feel they will be happier and better off. I  need to get a grip here. Who do I think I am??? I must be going through some strange psychological break of some sort.

Another example of feeling the need to control is my inability to decide whether or not to have another child. I see the benefits of having siblings. Before I get a bunch of mail telling me to have another--I know this. I've been researching the benefits of having only one. I worry about her being lonely. However, I worry about not being able to provide her with the life I want her to have. See..."I want" her to have. My chest is starting to cave in over this. I worry about losing myself. I don't want that for Z either. I want to be happy for her. I want the house to be a place of calm and not tons of stress. I see so much angst in other households and freak out about going through that. However, I'm seeing the negative here and freaking myself out. More kids normally means more fun. More laughing. More playing. More talks and more memories of companionship. It means having a partner and a person to talk to. It helps you with problem solving. Yet, I know there are examples where this has backfired and siblings are no longer speaking. It's so hard to figure out. I researched famous only children. Interesting. Here are some: (well, a lot)

Al Pacino
Alan Greenspan
Alicia Keys
Ansel Adams
Anthony Hopkins
Betty White
Bill Bradley
Brooke Shields
Burt Bacharach
Candice Bergen
Carol Burnett
Cary Grant
Charles Lindbergh
Charlize Theron
Chelsea Clinton
Christina Applegate
Cole Porter
Condoleezza Rice
Daniel Radcliffe
Danielle Steel
David Copperfield
E. M. Forster
Eleanor Roosevelt
Elvis Presley
Enoch Powell
Ezra Pound
Frank Sinatra
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Gerald Ford
Gregory Peck
Hans Christian Andersen
Iris Murdoch
Isaac Newton
James Dean
Jeff Bagwell
Joe Montana
John Lennon
Jean-Paul Sartre
John the Baptist
John Updike
Joy Behar
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Laura Bush
Lauren Bacall
LeAnn Rimes
Lenny Kravitz
Leonardo da Vinci
Lisa Marie Presley
Mahatma Gandhi
Maria Sharapova
Mark Burnett
Mary Elizabeth Aitcheson Gore (“Tipper”)
Matthew Perry
Nancy Reagan
Natalie Portman
Nick Faldo
Richie Sambora
Robert De Niro
Robin Williams
Rudy Giuliani
Sammy Davis, Jr.
Samuel L. Jackson
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Selena Gomez
Shawn Johnson
Shirley Jones
Sophia Bush
Steve Allen
Ted Koppel
Teller
Teri Hatcher
Tiger Woods
Tommy Lee Jones
Walter Cronkite
William Randolph Hearst

I don't want her to be spoiled...but I don't feel it has to be that way. It has to do with us. I'm sure I shouldn't even be writing about this. I just thought I'd throw it out into the universe and see if that helps.

I'm the second child. That fact sticks with me a lot.

There is no right answer, is there?

Paths that cross will cross again

Well, I finally finished Just Kids by Patti Smith. It left me with tears. Listening to it was a totally different feeling than just reading, I imagine. Patti's voice cracked a lot at the end and that made me feel for her. Her voice was rather monotone throughout which unnerved my mom, but Jason got used to it. I love hearing peoples' stories in their own voice- monotone or not. (My fave is still Jane Fonda's. And if anyone ever read it, she'd never be called Hanoi Jane again.)

One of the most striking things to me, other than the fact that I was so ignorant in 60s artists, was the richness of culture at the Chelsea Hotel. I stayed at the YMCA across the street there in...gosh...1997 or something and saw it. I knew that Arthur Miller had lived there. I had no idea about SO  MANY others! The personal accounts of Patti's time with Janis Joplin, William Burroughs, Sam Shepard,  Jimmy Hendrix, and the Warhol scene were really interesting to me. Her friendship with Robert Mapplethorpe was the centerpiece and I loved hearing how they created a life together. To live amongst so much culture in a time where the internet didn't take our attention away and people seemed to dive into themselves to create is so foreign. I know there are still people and places like this...but I don't see them very much. I, myself, struggle with the TV distraction...and movies. Most of them were too poor to have such luxuries. It seemed to really work in their favor. I will admit, listening to this book had a "Midnight in Paris" effect on me. I longed to live in the 60-70s and be amongst all of those people in the Chelsea. I felt that so much was learned and created. I felt that I was ignorant and uncultured. (Jason says this wasn't because of when I lived, but where...you don't have a ton of culture in Small Town, KS) I felt like I'd wasted my 20s and was jealous of all the experiences Patti had in NYC. I am appreciative of my friend Jeremy Dewey who had me read this. I learned so much that I want to learn more about. I am now looking into classes in art history and music. I used to just want to take writing courses, but now I just want to broaden my horizons.


Here is one of Patti's songs I love:

Paths That Cross

Speak to me
Speak to me heart
I feel a needing
to bridge the clouds
Softly go
A way I wish to know
A way I wish to know

Oh you'll ride
Surely dance
In a ring
Backwards and forwards
Those who seek
feel the glow
A glow we will all know
A glow we will all know

On that day
Filled with grace
And the heart's communion
Steps we take
Steps we trace
Into the light of reunion

Paths that cross
will cross again
Paths that cross
will cross again

Speak to me
Speak to me shadow
I spin from the wheel
nothing at all
Save the need
the need to weave
A silk of souls
that whisper whisper
A silk of souls
that whispers to me

Speak to me heart
all things renew
hearts will mend
round the bend
Paths that cross
cross again
Paths that cross
will cross again

Rise up hold the reins
We'll meet again I don't know when
Hold tight bye bye
Paths that cross
will cross again
Paths that cross
Will cross again
----------------------

I feel that I spent time with a good friend and it's over. I'm mourning a bit. I'm downloading Patti's music--I'd never really listened to her before--and reading more about her and Robert online. There is much more to write and reflect about but I need to marinate a bit. It needs to start bubbling up slowly...and it will. For now, if you have any time, read it.

Thanks Jeremy...thanks Patti.

History lesson

It's all one way in your head...and then reality hits. I hate that. After all of these years, you'd think we'd all have a pretty good idea of what our expectations should be, right? Call me an optimist-I guess. HA, or that I just love a good let down.This is vague, but it is easier to relate to that way.

Aside from learning about what not to do, history has other lessons. What works, what doesn't. I guess I use it more as a crutch...missing people and a certain time of life. I lean on it when I need to feel a particular emotion. However, I always seem to forget the past when I'm surprised by the present. I forget to ask the question, "is there a history of this?" Most likely, the answer is yes. More than not, I try to remember the good history I have with people and the negative history I have with myself. That's not good for the soul. Jason is always reminding me of good lessons I've learned. He finds the good in my bad memories. It is true. I have learned a lot from bad experiences. But, I've learned from good ones as well. I do feel my some of my experiences will help Z in her quest to find what works for her in the world and what hurts. I am constantly surprised by people and their actions. We can't all have our best day every day. I roll my eyes more and shake my head a lot. (As if I'm above all of that...whatever.) My own history of bad decisions and ridiculous drama makes it almost unbearable to me now. It causes me to retract. It causes me to rethink. It just makes me nuts. Jason repels drama as well, but always has. I think this was probably the number one reason for my drama reform. It's destructive. His sense of calm and rational pulled me in...and I wanted to feel that way. However, yes, it was a show-in a way. He has his own drama. He's very calm in the presence of others. He saves his craziness for the one he loves and trusts with himself. But...he's not dramatic for dramatic sake--there's the difference.

Feeling like the most boring girl in the world, I used to be attracted to highly dramatic and narcissistic personalities. (The examples could fill a book.) Now, when I hear it on the phone or in an email, it makes me happy I live so far away from most everyone. That sounds really shitty. What I mean is...I get pulled into that frame of mind so easily that I could slip back into being a person I can't stand. Moving to New York was a way for me to reinvent myself and get away from the idea I thought everyone had of me. Chicago was a place where my crazy came out in high fashion. It was just a dark time. A time that I grew from and met some lifelong friends...and my husband...but a time that I'm not too proud of personally. I feel calmer here. I think more. I can sit back and watch more. I take in more nature...and as pukey as that sounds, I learn a lot more from watching nature than I do people. The quiet helps me. I am such a follower and have been my entire life that I literally had to take myself away from people to follow. Sounds ridiculous. I get addicted to people and particular personalities. Keeping some at a distance makes me a better friend and person. My mom used to tell me that I'd throw someone overboard just so I could save them. Not good.

I can't wait for 40. It's my magical age. It's the age when I'll be who I always wanted to be. Well...maybe I should give it until 50.

Saying No to drugs...but don't feel like it.

I went to bed last night at 8pm. I woke up refreshed and started in on the day with such energy. I baked muffins, I vacuumed the entire house, I played with Z and then around 1pm, I was drained. I see it's about 4 mins until 8 and I could fall into bed. One of the hardest things about having a child later in life is that I really got used  your personal time. Now, I barely have any. Most of my friends don't have any at all--and haven't for years. This is so hard for me. I feel like the  most selfish person on earth. Now that I'm starting interests in so many different areas...I just want to learn all of the time. I guess Z is doing that as well. She is so loving and cuddly lately. She constant pulls my face into hers and kisses me...long and then rubs her hands on my cheeks affectionately. She's finally at the age where I feel her love. That's so cool. So, I'm not saying I'm not enjoying time with her. It's more like...ok, it's only 8...I want to have the energy to stay up until midnight and read, but it's not in me. I'm bushed. It sucks.

For this reason only...I understand the addiction to uppers. I've never taken them and wouldn't...but the idea of having energy instantly is a nice thought. I recently watched Limitless--a bad movie, but I said aloud, "well, illegal or not, I'd take that drug, no problem." I feel like I'm finding parts of my brain with cob webs on them and blowing them off. "Wow...how long have YOU been here??" Yet...I don't have time to take advantage of it.

This is a finite time and it will get better. These are the unselfish years...the child rearing years. And I only have one. Hmmm. We keep thinking about another. We lost one a few months ago. We just need to figure that whole situation out. But, I do think about whether I'm cut out for it. If I'm this tired with one...how the hell would I do two?? How the HELL are other women doing it??? This really makes me feel awful.

Time to wake up.

I'm currently listening to Patti Smith's Just Kids. Her voice is monotone, but the story holds me. I have about 2 more hours to go. It blows my mind how different our lives are...and our minds. She is so rich with knowledge of art and music that I've never heard of. It makes me jot down names and has me researching and experiencing. Growing up in Small Town, KS, I was so sheltered. Wow. There was so much going on in the world that I had no idea about. Growing up in a city would have been so mind blowing. The small town kept me naive and young. It kept me so wide eyed and ridiculous. Growing up years after she did...TV ruled my life. Movies held my attention. Now, kids just gaze into a computer...or play video games. I hate to sound old, but it does seem technology is making me boring. She was so into painting, drawing and reading. She seemed to be so in tune with herself--or at least knew she had much exploration to do at a younger age. Her times in NYC...how she survived and how she created her own world with Robert is so interesting to me. I've always wanted to create my own space. I've done that to a point I guess. I feel a connection with her. Not because we have anything in common, but because it seems she lived out so many of my teen daydreams.

The book focuses on her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe. Here's a pic...

My mom left early this morning. I drove her to the airport before light. I slept about 4 hours last night and crashed during Z's nap time. I guess an earthquake shook us, but I was snoozing. Yesterday I was exhausted as well. I think it was more a let down. I knew Mom was leaving and got the blues. Having her here was comfortable and safe. We watched The West Wing (she'd never seen it) and went to movies. I asked her tons of questions about her childhood and learned more about where she came from emotionally. So many questions that I've just asked her...at 36. Where the hell has my curiosity been?? That's amazing to me. I'm not sure my family feels so comfortable with my questions. Jason started to get fidgety. He's not so much into asking personal questions. I just want to understand where people are coming from. My mom spends a lot of time being silent...she thinks a lot. I just want to know what's going on in her head. Everyone is a mystery. In my life, my family is just a closed group. I'm an alien of some sort...ready to share and to meet new people. Most of my fam likes to keep to themselves. I've always had lots of friends and do my best to keep in touch with them--though I'm focusing more on uplifting souls instead of those who drag me down. I'm too easily drowning.

I feel like I need a shower...and a long, long sleep. Z is sweet and funny...she keeps bringing me Bambi to feed. I need to get her a toy bat. We have a bat that lives above our front door. She sleeps there during the day. Pretty cute little gal, really. For some reason, it makes me happy that she feels safe there.

Kathryn, Gloria, Patti and Me.

I've been listening to a few books. One is The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I admit I started after I watched the movie. It moved me so much that I felt there was much more to the book.  I watched the movie feeling physically ill and uncomfortable. I've seen many movies that deal with racial issues, however, I feel different things and see different things as I grow. It really got to me more than in the past. I've always felt strongly...but I think more about being a mother and raising a child in this world. Seeing such horrible ways people were/are treated made me nauseous. More than that, how others acted. So ignorant and ugly. There are so many injustices and I feel them more as a woman in my 30s than I did as a child. The world is still so horribly rich with injustice, ignorance and cruelty.

I'm also listening to Just Kids by Patti Smith. I am so intrigued so far. It's a way to live an alternate life that I've always wondered about. As a teen, I romanticized the 60s and the bohemian lifestyle. I loved the music, the poetry, the way people seemed so alive. Patti writes about her life as a young girl in NYC and the meeting of her dear friend, Robert Mapplethorpe. Hearing how they created a life for themselves and how they soaked themselves in art and music makes me feel lonely at times. Lonely, but inspired at the same time. I'm going to start writing down the names of the people that inspired them (some I've never heard of) and research them myself. I just feel like learning. I want to experience more.

I watched that HBO special about Gloria Steinem and want to read one of her books next. I learned so much from that special. Thins I should have already known probably. I had no idea that Ms. magazine was Gloria's mag. I had no idea that Ms. as a title came into effect after its circulation. Did you?? I'm ready to learn more about her. She's tough, yet very soft hearted. She's sensitive...and by my age, she had accomplished so much. So many women seem to really have been plugged into life and really gotten so much more than I ever did. Being on tons of anxiety and depression medication just clouded me. I wasn't plugged into the world...or myself. I escaped everything by being numb and asleep. It's sad to think about how ahead I could be now...and I'm just playing catch up.

It's time to start diving into works that others found in their youth. I missed so much. My friend Jeremy Dewey lead me to Just Kids...we're reading it together. He's already done, but I'm close behind. I'll have to let you know how our book talk goes.

ill Communication

After spending a lot of time with my family recently, I continued the study of how we communicate. I've always been the VERY open of the lot, but even more lately. My mother and sister are certainly tight lipped about many things. In fact, many times I am left guessing on how they feel on almost anything. I don't know if they're having a good time...or what they enjoy doing...or what they think of what they are eating, etc. I began to wonder if it was me. Since I am so out right about how I feel and what I think...I wonder if people are nervous about speaking their minds around me. If that is true, it saddens me. I haven't asked this question, but I can see how it could be true. In hopes of helping people, I tend to tell them how to do things...thinking my way is best. How gross of me. I want to help so much, I almost hold people back. This is all guessing. I know people are different in how they communicate. I know that I can tend to be harsh and such. I see my "old self" in them at times and I broke free of that person in order to feel independent. The main thing is the constant conversations about being unhappy. (I used to do this as well.) I learned that talking about it does nothing. DO something about it. I want them to be happy, so I tell them ways to DO it. There is no movement. Years of discussing discontentment and yet, nothing happens. I get horribly frustrated and the harshness comes out. I'm trying to work on it. But let me leave you with this...DO something if you are unhappy. Feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere but tired. I'm not talking about homelessness or things in that type of nature. I'm talking about basic things that can be repaired. There are always people who can help you. Maybe your OCD, controlling sister or daughter is not who you should go to, but there is someone.

Family departed...no therapy needed so far.

The month long family visit came to an end yesterday. 5 family members left...my mom remains until next Tuesday.

When I'm around my mom, I'm reminded of how much more learning I need to do. She's well versed in so many things that I feel I need to start reading more historical non-fiction. She was my HS history teacher...and she just retired from teaching after 40 years.

Tomorrow night there is a show on HBO on Gloria Steinem. We're going to watch it. Here's a perfect example. I know who Gloria is...I could pick her out of a crowd, but I feel it's probably important to know more details about her life and all that she influenced. I'm suppose to be reading Patti Smith's book, Just Kids and I haven't yet started. I'll get it tomorrow. So many influential women I really need to know more about.

I'm exhausted...and the house is so quiet now. Lots of reflecting. Lots of cleaning. Lots of uploading pictures. I look at them and realize Z will see what I see when I see pics of my childhood--happiness...and seemingly simple times. I want her to think life is simple for as long as possible.

(Here, Z is learning how to shoot her cousins with the hose...a great smile and memory.-- click on it to make it bigger.)

Being around family makes me feel a little like Sybil.

Quick post. The fam is at the store. Having family in usually means that you should call and make an appt. with your shrink for the day after they leave. I'm keeping busy by baking and cleaning. It's going well so far. I'm exhausted...they've been here just over 24 hours. They are here for 10 days or so. I'm in the land of little sister, new mother, wife, aunt and daughter...that's a lot of hats to wear. I'm usually the same person all of the time, but there is tweaking. I feel in charge, yet a teenager, yet a grown up and sometimes...the elder. You want to prove that you've grown and not the same stupid kid. You want to show them that you are fully into your role as wife and mother...and that you know what you're doing.  You want to prove that you can raise a happy and healthy child. You want them to know that you love them...and that just because you moved away, you still want to be around them. But, it's hard. Everyone has their own household. Everyone wants to cook in your kitchen. Their stuff is all over the house...and you don't want to seem like a crazy person by always picking up after them. You don't want to seem too uptight, but you are. You want to be the fun aunt...but you are now a mother, too. And, at the end of the day, I want to spend time with them after Z is asleep--but I'm worn out and need to go to bed. Hmmm.

Yes, I need to call and make that appt.

**Sybil is a book...and a movie...about multiple personalities. The version with Sally Field is excellent.

Francis Alys

My visit to NYC still has me thinking. My friend, Jeremy, took us to the MoMA and it's really stuck with me. Seeing some of the exhibits--Francis Alys in particular was really eye opening to me. I think it's because there were so many examples of artists that think so many thoughts that I don't. Their minds are so full of wonder about the most interesting things...things that I don't give a second thought about. Now, I do. So many find beauty in the mundane. They really find art in everything. Watching a car try and try again to get up a dirt road...and what it said to me about human nature...about life. I don't know. Maybe it was the rooms full of people I didn't know, sitting and watching a film and knowing each of us took something different from it. There was a film he did titled, Tornado. We all sat in the room and watched...it was really riveting. I believe you can see it online. Some of the exhibits blew my mind. I could go there once a week. Jeremy is a member. He loves it there. I'm thrilled that he introduced me.

http://www.francisalys.com/onlineviewing.html

Go to this site and see what you think.

I feel that certain moments of my life are worth holding on to. The times when my eyes seem to see a world that looks completely different than the one I'm used to--as if my mind is actually expanding and my perspective has changed. It's fascinating. I feel as if I have a new found appreciation and it's time to learn more. Here is a picture of Francis below.

Family and phobias

Today, my mom and niece come to visit. Kendra, 16, will be attending a drama camp here in Rochester and Mom and I will hang around and play with Z. We're all headed to NYC this weekend. Of course, we pick the hottest fricken weekend so far. Ugh. We'll drive to Poughkeepsie and then take the train. J and Z are headed to Cleveland...I think. Jason can really never make his mind up until the last possible moment.

So, I'm cleaning and trying to make my life look picture perfect. ?? It's almost like I want everyone to have a vacation out of the movies. The houses are always clean and the yards are perfect and the weather is perfect and...you get the point. Ridiculous. It can't happen. I'll end up being a 36 year old child with my mom. Even though at times our roles are starting to reverse...I still feel younger. When Wendy gets here, I'll really reprise the role of younger sister. Isn't that odd?? I'm always 15, she, 20.

It's hot and muggy. It creates a feasting ground for bugs. We are cleaning out the back room of our laundry room--a cement dungeon FULL of scary things. Jason is not looking forward to the things he'll find. He's not much on bugs...at all. I don't get it. We are HUGE compared to these things. Such power we gives things that we can crush with our shoes. It's as if suddenly...it's going to jump up and latch onto your face. (Another movie phobia) Movies have enriched my life but also caused so many phobias that I almost can't leave the house. Not really...but I wonder if I'd be half as scared about anything without having that knowledge.

It was a dark and stormy morning...

Finally, rain. It's been so hot and dry. Nothing like Kansas and other states, but enough to be draining. The dark sky and rain soaked streets were a relief to drive along. The trees, swaying. The sun does put me in a great mood, most of the time. But, a dimly lit world is also nice. It makes you feel like curling up and cuddling with those you love--or just with a book. The birds are ecstatically chirping outside. They are dancing in the puddles. They've been hot and thirsty. I've been constantly filling our bird bath for some relief. Poor things. The chipmunks and squirrels like it, too.

My mom and niece are coming in tomorrow night. We leave for NYC on Friday for quick trip and it's going to be hot. Walking around hot city streets could be challenging. Luckily, we'll have museum air conditioning. I'm looking forward to watching their faces as they see things they've only seen in movies. NYC is larger than life. I will never forget my first trip there in early 2001 with my friend, Dustin. It was life changing. Had I not gone on that trip, I know I wouldn't be here, now. Isn't that cool how that works?? One trip...or one experience...and BAM...your life is changed forever.

Maybe Greta Garbo was on to something.

There are days...that you want to set aside for yourself. Ones where you just want to jet off somewhere you've never been and be alone to ponder whatever it is you want to ponder. To sit looking at something gorgeous and be inspired. To listen to music you've never heard and wonder how you've lived without it. To see something so amazing it makes you want to create. Today is one of those days.

I want to be alone.

A little soul healing.

There are days when I'm overrun with emotion it seems. Today is one of those days. I spend my time feeling thankful and thoughtful. Jason is gone for a few days on business. When he's gone I always feel grateful for him. He hates being away from the little girl. (Well, me too, but esp her) He struggles with the life he misses while he has to work. It's difficult to feel that the job you have to do to keep your family afloat is the one thing that takes you away. Ugh. We all seem to struggle with how we spend our time.

I've had a few phone conversations with girlfriends lately that have me thinking. They are stay at home mommies as well. I think that you can't help but to wonder what other paths you might have taken. It doesn't mean that you don't love your family--but sometimes watching others pursue their careers and take their hobbies to new heights can be depressing. I think it's just the time we're having right now. The "child rearing" stage. We have little ones that need constant attention now, but in the future our time will open up and we'll be able to look into more things. I write some and listen to my books. That helps. We focus on missed opportunities or what we should have studied...or where we should have moved...several things. I'm trying to make each day something I enjoy. This is VERY difficult. The dishes and the picking up of clothes and cleaning bathrooms starts to drag you down. At least it does for me. But, it's life. And all of it must be done. Baking is nice. Just making things for people. (since I can't sew) It's a way to create. Sending out the perfect thoughtful card or gift is nice. (That is rare, but it happens.) I'm not a "giver" naturally--I'll admit I'm normally a "taker." I think this comes from being a product of divorce. (Although it can go either way) I feel like I have to take or I will get overlooked. It's an immature feeling. I have to consciously think about what I can do for others. I have to make sure that I'm not so deep into my own thoughts that I forget about what others go through. I'm getting much better as I age.

I digress--the point is that yes, there are missed opps and hurt feelings and too many what if's in life. This is what hobbies are for. (Here is where you think, yeah...I don't have time for a hobby--but I'm thinking when you do have time.) If you couldn't be a marine biologist, then maybe later take up scuba diving and take a trip specifically to do that. (Here's were you think, yeah, I don't have money for that--then watch underwater documentaries.) Make it a passion that you plan around. I always wished I had done something in movies--not an actor, but behind the camera. Hence that fact that I watch my film documentaries and try to learn about film theory, etc. I won't be able to study at the Actor's Studio to learn directing or screen writing--but I can find things on line to help me learn. So we didn't go down a certain path--oh well. We can still take journeys that fulfill that desire to know. Life can be and is disappointing. Meaning that we all are let down about one thing or another. People let us down as well--but that's a whole other blog. Trying to find ways to feed your soul is the best thing I can think of to get through it. There are always excuses...why not find any way possible to feel good??

As for people...I've recently made an effort to surround myself only with people who build me up. The rest is garbage. 

We are family.

I bought a Kitchen Aid mixer last week and broke it in today with my favorite cookie, the chocolate buttery cookies I've posted in a previous blog. It was marvelous. It's so pretty, too! Cobalt blue...just love it. I'm making tons of cookies this weekend to mail and to give to neighbors. We can't have so many in the house, Jason would freak.

Lake Placid was so great. Not only is it beautiful, but I had such a great time with J's family and my friend Jeremy. He lives in NYC and I'll be seeing him again in a couple of weeks. I love that. Not having to say BIG goodbyes after a long weekend. There are just some who really brighten your world when they are around and he is one of them. I feel lucky to have a lot of friends who do that. I do feel that it helps to mix family and friends together. I used to keep them separate in a way. Or, maybe it just turned out that way. I do believe that my generation is bigger on friends being a part of the family. I know that some family members haven't enjoyed the mixing when they visit others, but that's really how it is. I feel so close to my friends...and some really are a part of my family. Besides, families aren't made up of blood relatives anymore anyway! With all of the divorces and such...does it really matter who is at Thanksgiving?? Truth be told, they make things easier. When left with just family, my nerves are shot after a period of time. Having my friends there is like having life preservers about. Some people drift away from their family--due to geography or disagreements, what have you and I feel that knowing you have a place where you are ALWAYS welcome is so great. It's all about acceptance and love and smiling when you greet someone. The world is just too negative and we all feel so damn beat up at times. I've been catty. I've nitpicked. I've gabbed behind people's backs,  yes...I have.  I'm learning to move past all of that behavior. It's just mean. It doesn't create a good feeling. Even in FB, I've started reaching out to people that I normally wouldn't have for dumb reasons. I hold on to old feelings of irritation and haven't let people grow up. That's ridiculous. I certainly wouldn't want people to judge me on my past. As long as the years see us growing in a positive way...I'm all about getting older.

Speaking of aging. I'm going to the dermatologist today. I have a few spots on my back that need to be looked at. For years I've been avoiding it. I need to go. What if something was wrong. I would never want to leave J and Z for something I just didn't want to deal with. (Worst case scenario, of course)

So, if you've been putting something off...you should just go. Deal with it. Someone out there needs you to be around.

Lake Placid for the 4th...doesn't get any better.

Mirror Lake-- The town of Lake Placid is between the two lakes.

Jeremy and my feet...relaxing! (Lake Placid)

J and I watching the fireworks.

My HS and college buddy, Jeremy came for the weekend as well.

Love this pic...J and Z on the lake.

Lake Placid (from the marina)

Go do it.

It's gorgeous outside. I just mowed the yard. If we had new landscaping...our yard would be magical. Our neighbors just landscaped the crap out of their front yard and it looks so good. I can appreciate it. Planting flowers and trees for your family to enjoy each year is such a great gift. I loved the trees in my yard growing up. I buried 3 pets ten paces toward the house from my favorite tree in the back yard. We have 3 dead trees we need to get rid of. I can't wait to plant new ones. I love our Japanese Maple. We don't have room for a Weeping Willow, or I'd plant one of those. I love lying on the ground underneath a tree and looking up at the leaves. Doesn't it make you feel safe?

Go do it and let me know.

Off to Lake Placid tomorrow. We've been there 3 years in a row for the 4th. It's our new tradition. Last year my mom went with us. This year, Jason's parents are coming and my pal from high school. I can't wait. It will be nice to get away and show people the town we love. The fireworks are beautiful. They glitter on Mirror Lake. I'll post pics when I get home.

Hope you enjoy the 4th. Spend time outside...go lie under a tree. Feel safe.

This post seems to be written under the influence of something, but I'm totally clean.

A cool day in upstate New York. It's kind of refreshing. The neighbor invited Z and I over to play and again, I acted like a freak. Freak meaning I was kind of spacey and out of it. I feel like the new girl in school or something. It's really stupid. If Z is around, my brain is divided and I just can't think. The interesting part is with her. What's left is the small talk. (You know how I hate small talk.) But, then you deal with the people who will be uncomfortable if you start talking about something real. It's just frustrating.

At the gym, listening to Shirley, she made a good point about nature. She says she finds peace outside and it calms her; that it has a natural rhythm to it. It is what it is and humans are separate. The birds could care less what a nerd I am. The trees don't care if I've gained weight. It just continues to be...and I love that. We should learn more from it. Animals, for instance, don't think things through so much. They do what they have to do. When caught in a trap, they fight to get out. They fight for survival no matter what. They don't get depressive episodes and throw themselves in front of cars. They go on. They lose their babies, they have fear and worry...or apprehension. They starve and get cold. But, they just keep going. I think about that sometimes when I'm down. I haven't been that down in a long time, but it's always something to think about. We can't control anything outdoors. The wind...the rain...the heat. Although it can be destructive, for the most part it's a relief. Just to be outdoors and think, "whatever happens out here has nothing to do with me!" Ahhhh.


Blog title refers to this clip:

He is under the influence...he loves his rainbows!

Express yourself.

I'm listening to Shirley McClain's book, "I'm Over All That" and one of the things she is "over" is Smalk- small talk. I'm 40 years younger and I'm over it as well. I've never been good at it. I don't prefer it. Jason is a master. It's a gift. He can strike up a very easy conversation with anyone and they feel comfortable and never intimidated. I always feel stupid during the small conversations you have during getting to know people. Some of my friendships were never like that. We dove deep right off the bat. (That's when I know I've found a good one!) A perfect dinner party for me would be if I wrote conversations starters on all of the name tags and everyone had to discuss their individual answers. This would be Jason's nightmare. He isn't big on talking about himself or anything too deep with anyone but me...and sometimes, no one at all. I, on the other hand, would and will talk about anything with anyone. I feel that it's the best way to learn about people and about life.  Hearing about an individual's experiences thrills me. Hearing how each person goes through life and how we each perceive it...fascinating!! Reality doesn't really exist. (Shirley feels this way as well.) Life is just full of moments that are perceived differently by everyone who experiences them. I learned this the hard way when trying to confront some old demons with my parents. When I told them my memories and asked they why certain events went the way they did...they had no idea what I was talking about. I spoke of traumatizing times I'd had and they either didn't remember it even happening, or they told me I remembered it wrong. The way a child remembers something compared to an adult is totally different. It's not that the child doesn't remember correctly; they remember how THEY percieved it, how it affected them. This was a HUGE revelation to me. Everyone does this. Break ups are also difficult due to this reason. Each person sees the relationship differently. A spouse could think a divorce came out of nowhere- that they were blind sided. The other could have been thinking about it for years and felt they were very obviously unhappy. Men and women struggle with their differences. We just love differently. We need different things. But, we don't know how to do it right unless we talk. I come from a family of extremely private people. They are also passive and stuff their emotions. No one discusses how they really feel and they get damn uncomfortable if I bring anything up. My mom tells a story of when my paternal grandma held me for the first time. She said, "Ahhh...this one is different." I really think she could sense that I was a talker, even then. I always had open talks with my grandparents. I felt safe to discuss anything. They didn't seem to bat an eye at any of my questions. Most of my family members look at me as if I'm the most inappropriate person at times. But, I've always been this way. I made most of my close friendships in high school due to long nights of talking and connecting on a deeper level rather than just liking the same things.

Life is about connections. I hope you are able to say what's on your heart. I hope you don't stuff your feelings. So many times you find that people desperately want to talk. They need you to dig deeper. You have to go to them. You have to involve them...invite them...bug them. I may let time go by, but I always come back to them and talk to them as if we spoke yesterday. I do it because I love them and I know they need it. If you have this gift, use it. So many need not to feel alone.

Conrad and Coppola

I just finished Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse. Wow. Intense. Fierce. Exhausting. Taking Joseph Conrad's work," Heart of Darkness" and trying to overlay Vietnam...that's quite an undertaking. I read Conrad's novel in HS and it was difficult. It's too dark for me. I was too young to really understand it. Maybe I should listen to Orson Welles read it. He tried to make a film of it himself and gave up. He made Citizen Kane instead--I feel that worked out for him. The documentary did a number on me. It convinced me that I'm not a film maker who just didn't make films. If anything, I'll hold on to my inner script writer, but to direct...I don't believe I have it in me. OR....maybe I'm just focusing on EXTREME cases here. Kubrick and Coppola are fantastic, but they also make movies that I wouldn't make. I admire their wives. They stick by them through hellish shoots and years of craziness. And I get upset if Jason has a bad week and doesn't come to bed much. These women don't see their husbands for weeks on end. And, if they are about, their passion is given to the film--at least it would seem to me. I daydream about directing or writing something...or just to be involved in a film project, period. That seems to be a long shot at this point of my life. Just watching this doc and seeing the craziness and pushing people to the brink of death (literally in Martin Sheen's case) is too much for me. I'd like to see a documentary about the filming of Rachel Getting Married....or Lost in Translation. That would really be great to see. I am left feeling thick and heavy and just tired after seeing what all Coppola went through to make Apocalypse Now.  It's hard to imagine what that was really like. I see Martin in a brand new light. I wonder if Harvey Keitel has seen this doc. I find it so interesting to think of how a movie could have been had it had a different lead. He had Sheen's role, but Coppola fired him after a few weeks of shooting. That's another thing...the vision. Kubrick's vision really struck me as well. I marvel at visionaries. Visiting Hearst's castle also had me pondering visionaries as well. (this is for another post...)

I recommend the film if you love the movie. Or, even if you've never seen it. The creative process of film making isn't "seen" enough. The glitz and glam of it all can really overshadow how fucking hard it is to make these types of films. It's just impressive.

Hearts...dark and breaking.

The baking continues today. I'm in the mood for some good snacks around here! I made No Bake cookies just now (in honor of a my friend, Becky's birthday) and will finish up my cup cakes today.
I'm anxiously awaiting my Netflix--Hearts of Darkness. Here's the scoop: (Wikipedia)

The title is derived from the source material for Apocalypse Now, the Joseph Conrad novella Heart of Darkness. Using behind the scenes footage, and narrated by Eleanor Coppola, it chronicles how production problems including bad weather, actors' health and other issues delayed the film, increasing costs and nearly destroying the life and career of Francis Ford Coppola. In 1990, Eleanor Coppola turned her material over to two young filmmakers George Hickenlooper and Fax Bahr who then shot new interviews with the original cast and crew and intercut them with her existing material. After a year of editing, Hickenlooper, Bahr, and Coppola debuted their film at the 1991 Cannes Film Festival^[1] to universal critical acclaim.

I'm really excited. Rob Lowe discusses his time with Martin Sheen directly after Martin shot Apocalypse Now.  I've never seen it. I know, I know!! I'm watching it first and then the doc right after. Or maybe I should watch the doc first? hmmm. Anyway, I think it's a great way to learn about movie making. It reminds me of watching The Godfather trilogy and then reading The Godfather Legacy by Harlan Lebo. That was fascinating! (I'm geeking out a bit here)

Today is hot and sticky. Z is recovering from a skin infection that needs to be changed twice a day. She also had to take medicine for it. A bite got infected...probably at Little Gym or something. Anyway, she's been limping and whiny (it's on the inside of her thigh) and is being babied big time by us. When we went to the doctor, she had to drain it for what seemed like eternity, but probably a good ten minutes. Z screamed and cried and kept repeating, "Don't....don't" it was heartbreaking. It was all I could not to break down with her, but I thought if she saw me cry, she'd be scared. I sang to her and asked her questions--which she answered. She's a good girl. I just love her.

Okay, time to bake!

Kubrick and Cupcakes

Well, the Stanley Kubrick documentary, A Life in Pictures, was excellent. It's a bit older, 2001. Tom Cruise narrates it. I really learned a lot about his process. What a perfectionist he was. It was almost stifling. He didn't make many films, but the ones he made were so...well, honestly, over my head. I can understand them more now that 36, but as a teen trying to figure them out was nearly impossible. I found the most interesting fact was that he struggled so long with how to portray the Holocaust that he missed his chance. Once he was ready to work on the script, he learned of Spielberg's filming of Schindler's List. He then started work on Eyes Wide Shut--after being out of the game for over ten years. If you have any interest in Kubrick or film, you should get it. The next film in my que is Hearts of Darkness about the making of Apocalypse Now. I guess it was quite the undertaking and nearly killed Martin Sheen. Here's the list of films Kubrick directed:

1953	Fear and Desire
1955	Killer's Kiss
1956	The Killing
1957	Paths of Glory
1960	Spartacus
1962	Lolita
1964	Dr. Strangelove
1968	2001: A Space Odyssey
1971	A Clockwork Orange
1975	Barry Lyndon
1980	The Shining
1987	Full Metal Jacket
1999	Eyes Wide Shut

I feel that I can almost create my own film class by Netflix. I love it. My film classes in college were my favorite. They could films that you just couldn't get then. Now you can. Plus, there are so many educational DVDs out there on film...why not just learn at home? I find it very cool.

Today is my bake/cook day. I cooked up some chicken for an awesome chicken salad, made potato salad (my grandma's recipe) and will bake black bottom cupcakes tonight. I will go weeks without making a thing...then will go nuts and start digging in my recipe book. I find it very therapeutic.

I'm taking Z to the doctor again for a bite. I can't tell if it's a mosquito bite or a boil. Her reaction to it is bizarre. Poor thing. It's really hard under the skin and is killing her. I hate it. She's still smiling at me right now, but if you go near her bite she loses it.



Here is the Black Bottom cupcake recipe. I grew up on these and they are DELISH!!

Ingredients

• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1 egg
• 1/3 cup white sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup water
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1 tablespoon cider vinegar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line muffin tins with paper cups or lightly spray with non-stick cooking spray.
2. In a medium bowl, beat the cream cheese, egg, 1/3 cup sugar and 1/8 teaspoon salt until light and fluffy. Stir in the chocolate chips and set aside.
3. In a large bowl, mix together the flour, 1 cup sugar, cocoa, baking soda and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Make a well in the center and add the water, oil, vinegar and vanilla. Stir together until well blended. Fill muffin tins 1/3 full with the batter and top with a dollop of the cream cheese mixture.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 25 to 30 minutes.   

A Life in Pictures

Today was rainy and low key. Jason watched Z during nap time while I went to the store and finally got food into the house. Yesterday I was so ridiculous that I went to McDonald's to get milk for Z. That's pretty bad--if only grocery stores had a drive thru!

We did make it to the gym where I was able to listen to my friend Shirley (Maclaine) talk about aliens and her belief in their existence. I wrote my senior term paper about UFOs and was very interested in her views. Jason believes in them. I don't have a reason not to I suppose. I also learned after reading this book right after Jane Fonda's that the Nixon administration had both of those women's homes bugged and their phones tapped. Interesting. Shirley said that once she started talking more about aliens, they left her alone assuming that she was just crazy.

I will be listening to books by writers whom are not actresses, but growing up watching movies and having been a Film major in college--I feel like I know these women. I've watched them my entire life. It's almost like they are aunts of mine that I just haven't met in person yet. I feel close to them somehow. Movies are my go to when I feel...well, about anything. They are my favorite hobby and my best comfort. I really don't know what kind of person I'd be like if movies didn't exist. They are so much a part of my make up. Tonight I'm watching a documentary about Stanley Kubrick. I am familiar with his work, of course, but not with the man. I love documentaries about directors. I always felt I could have been one. I'll let you know how it is tomorrow.

On being a woman.

Zoë graduated from a Bee to a Beast today in her Little Gym class. We celebrated by going to a strawberry patch, riding a tractor out to the patches and then partaking in a delicious bowl of strawberry shortcake. It was amazing.

We both came home and napped. Now, I feel it's gym time. I'm going to listen to Shirley Maclaine's latest novel and see how that is. She falls into the category of a woman who has lived some life and might have lessons to learn from. I'm all about female energy and lessons that I can learn from those who have been around a while. I feel like I have a little time bomb that I need to have my shit together for. I want Z to be able to trust advice from me and I want to know as much out there about being a woman in this world that I can. She'll face so much more than I did--am. Yes, it's like I'm reading instruction manuals for women.

I have much more to write about today....it will have to wait. We're off to the gym. I normally write during nap time and today...my pillow was calling to me.

************

The gym was a good thing. I'm going almost every day...mostly to listen to my book, but it gets me there! Shirley is very opinionated and a little gruff, but I really enjoy her take on life. She's 76 now and she's very aware of time she wasted on things that are just not important. I find her funny and wise...and a little of a conspiracy theorist. It's extremely enjoyable to listen to.

We came home and relaxed by watching Ina Garten (The Barefoot Contessa). I find her show to be the most relaxing thing...ugh. She's on the Cooking network. I love her. When Z sees her she shouts, "Ina!!"

more tomorrow.

Weeding for the soul.

This morning, Regis (Regis and Kelly) was talking about weeding his garden and how gratifying it was to do. So, I went out this morning and did it to see if I found it just as gratifying. Sort of. I understand the immediate gratification thing, but the sun made me tired and I wasn't wearing the proper attire. Now, I have to get out there and pick up my clippings. The energy is just sucked from my being today for some reason. I went to the gym and finished my Jane Fonda book. Damn. I feel like a friend left. I need to figure out what my next book is going to be. Audio books are so different than reading for me. I feel like I've actually spent time with the author. It's as if we've become friends and then they are gone. Leave it to me to get attached to a recording. Whatever...I miss you Jane!!

Jason is out today and tomorrow. He's traveling for work. I wish I had more energy to enjoy my night alone...but I don't. Z went down early tonight and I just wanted to head straight to bed. I've napped a little and now I'm going to eat a burrito. Real healthy.

Father's Day went pretty well. Jason and I are having some growing pains lately, so we're talking a lot. It's just the ups and downs that come with marriage. Again, our friendship comes into play, so we are being good about it. Marriage is hard sometimes! Trying to figure out the right mixture of what you need and what I need and what Z needs...and not short anyone is difficult. He works hard and can sometime struggle with home vs. work. I go back and forth from being needy to being too distant. We both come from divorced parents. We both struggle with intimacy--the ability to be completely vulnerable. It's hard when you've learned to always keep something back for yourself. We are both survivors and we both have issues with abandonment. Sometimes the baggage is just too much to try to keep both people afloat and you have to focus on yourself. If we hadn't had our years of friendship before the romantic part started, I feel this would be harder. I feel that J and I are both at a growing state in our own journeys. The issues we may have with each other just bring to light the issues we've always had with ourselves. Going on this journey with someone--life--can be comforting when you both acknowledge that you're not done growing. I feel as if we are holding hands and jumping from rock to rock...sometimes he stumbles and I get pulled down, vice versa, but we are always holding hands. Jason isn't one to let go of someone. He loves to a fault sometimes. He is someone that would drown holding you up in the water.

Back to the landscaping. I want to rip out every bullshit plant and bush we have and start over. I want to just create my own garden that bursts with color. I think I'm having issues with our landscaping because I feel as if we are keeping up the vision of the former owners. I need to recreate it.

Therapy with snacks.

Well, so far today, no anxiety. I do believe going to the gym is helping. We walked there and back--a workout in itself. It's less than an mile away and it's been gorgeous out. I plan to do the same today. Just being outside seems to have some healing effects. Maybe the fact that it's Friday is helpful, too. I think Father's day will be nice. Z and I got J some things I know he'll like. He's a great dad and I want him to know how much I appreciate the things that Z isn't able to express yet. He adores her. I never really felt adored by my dad--but I'll take the fact that it took years for him to like me. That sounds weird. I feel I earned it--HA! Not that you should feel that way. In a way, I do feel that I made better choices later in life based on what I felt he would agree with and it seems to have worked for me. He's 70 now and his tone is different. He's softer and can sometimes express his feelings. Sometimes age helps. My dad was adopted by the best people in the world, however, I'm sure he struggled internally for reasons I'll never understand. Even though he was loved and adored by my grandparents, I'm sure the thought of the initial "rejection" keeps other people at a distance. I'm not sure he's aware of it...or maybe he is. He and Jason have that in common: the friendliest, closed off people you'll ever meet. Jason has his own baggage with his childhood, but he has it right straight out of the gate. I look at Zoë and realize how lucky she is. He is gentle and kind with her. He's very attentive and always greets her with a smile. She won't suffer from low self esteem brought on by her father's actions. (She may have it for some other reason.) Jane Fonda really struggled with feeling loved and accepted by her father. In the end, he never seemed to soften for her and she was left guessing a bit. That's too bad. Life is just too short for people to wonder how you feel about them. It's hard to open up to someone and show them how you feel. It's very hard to be vulnerable, especially if you've been hurt in the past. I struggle with it. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket...but I know I have to. Growing up with a single mom and having an example of what could happen is hard for a girl. You never want to be that hurt.


Okay, enough of that!!


You know what else makes me feel better? Cookies. I'll leave you with my favorite cookie recipe from Paula Deen. So delish.  You won't be disappointed!!
Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies

Ingredients

• 1 (8-ounce) brick cream cheese, room temperature
• 1 stick butter, at room temperature
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 (18-ounce) box moist chocolate cake mix
• Confectioners' sugar, for dusting

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  (Actually, wait to do this because you need to refrigerate the dough first)

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, cream the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Beat in the egg. Then beat in the vanilla extract. Beat in the cake mix. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours to firm up so that you can roll the batter into balls. Roll the chilled batter into tablespoon sized balls and then roll them in confectioner's sugar. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet, 2 inches apart. Bake 12 minutes. The cookies will remain soft and "gooey." Cool completely and sprinkle with more confectioners' sugar, if desired.

Freaking, but why??

Day 5 of having anxiety over...nothing. At least I can't figure out what it is. It will just come over me and I have to try to calm down. I think Z and I need to go to the park when she wakes up from her nap. I'll take a blanket and we can just listen to the birds or something. I will say that Father's Day causes a little anxiety for me. Trying to figure out what to send and such. My dad is an avid reader. I used to send books, but then we got him a Kindle. Now what? He's not a collector of anything. He hates junk. I now just get him eatable gifts. This year it's seasoned chicken for the grill from Omaha Steaks. I was going to get him steaks, but I figured the chicken was healthier. But, it will arrive late and that stresses me out. Insane. My dad isn't a lovey dovey guy. He's funny, smart and well read. He's not very emotional. He's not big on deep talks about emotions or anything connected to that sort of thing. He talks intelligently about things. He's a great conversationalist. Jason is much that way. J is emotional with me, but that's about it. He doesn't get into a lot of heart felt stuff with his family. He's easy going--he's the peacemaker. My father knows how to do most anything better than you do. (At least that's how I felt) There is always a better way to do this or that--and Jason will call me out if I do that to him. He calls me Barry when I am condescending in my tone and I call him by his mother's name when he won't let go of a topic and rides it to death.

But none of this has to do with my anxiety. Do I need a job? I love being home with Zoë, but I wonder if I'm slowly losing my mind or something. (This is something I've done before, so I'm tuned in...) I think I just need to focus on other things. We need to get out of the house and find distractions. Oh, the struggles of day to day life. I would love to know about others' issues with stress and anxiety. I want to know that other women who seem to have it all together are freaking out at times. It doesn't have to be depression sneaking in, right? It can just be being human. I need to look into yoga. It seems so calming. My left hip was replaced almost 5 years ago, so I'm not very bendy, but I could try. Okay, I'm going to go out to the front steps and try to meditate or something. I'll let you know how that goes.

The kids aren't all right.

Anxiety has been rearing it's head again. No idea why. I seem to be easily overwhelmed lately. With the sun shining out and seeing what all I have to be grateful for, I'm confused. I do feel as if I'm failing if the house is any kind of a mess--something I've been dealing with for quite a while. My OCD is really taking off. With Summer visits from family, I'm especially on edge. Being around family is hard for me. I am stressed out most of the time. That's too bad really. I'd love to feel more relaxed when people are here. But, it's just not so. The "alien" feeling comes over me and I'm very anxious about the variety of moods, etc. We have some temperamental personalities in the family. This causes me to be nervous and ready to pounce if I feel threatened. I hate this feeling. I have a very low tolerance for certain things. Others, including my  husband, are very slow to react and have a great ability to tune things out. I want this ability! He can tune out most things if he wants. I think it's a survival mechanism from his childhood. I have a different way about me. My observations have been that the quiet and non reactive get taken advantage of and it drives me nuts. I felt very much that way as a kid. Saying nothing just leads to more of the same kind of behavior. I didn't have a voice as a kid and my parents didn't really either. I didn't feel protected a lot of the time. My dad's parents did a good job of it, however. I felt loved and protected when I was with them. I felt like they listened to me and they were very good at acknowledging me. I knew that I'd never feel badly when I was with them. I want to be able to do the same for others. The one thing I learned from my childhood is that children remember. WE REMEMBER. We remember how we felt, how we were treated, what you said, what wasn't said and who to trust with our safety. They may be small--but they are recording it all.

Today is gorgeous. The sun is beaming and it's not too hot. After I get the house to the point where I can relax about it, Z and I are going to see the flowers at the Eastman House. I could use seeing some flowers today. They bloom whether I'm having a good day or not. I need to feel that way. Z can't be a victim to my bad days. It's not fair. God, this is hard sometimes.

Paranoia and Spirituality

Z and I are back from the gym and the park. I just ate a brownie. Hmmm. We left the park early after a man slowly made his way towards us. I felt like he was closing in...and since we were alone, I felt we needed to go. Better safe than sorry. Ellison Park is huge. It seemed odd that we were the only ones in that area. It reminded me of a story my mom tells about when we lived in Topeka, KS. I was probably 10. We were in line at Taco Tico (I miss Taco Tico) and a "strange" man walked in. I don't remember him. Mom said she got an odd feeling and told Wendy (15) and I that we needed to go. I didn't question it. Who knows. I do feel that if you have a strange feeling about something, you might as well trust your gut. I don't think many do. Who cares if you offend someone. So many women have been abducted because they didn't trust their gut. (And that's my Oprah moment of this post.)

It's gorgeous out. Not hot. 65 degrees I think. But the sun is shining and that alone makes me just want to be out in it. I used to worship the sun. My skin has paid for it. I have tons of freckles on my shoulders. I wish I didn't have any. We just aren't very aware of our bodies when we're young. We abuse it. We drink too much, don't sleep enough, run our joints into the ground by pounding on pavement and cook our skin until we look like leather dolls. (Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit) Living life seems to be hard on our bodies. They wear out and finally give out. It's a strange thing to think about. We just suddenly stop. Well, our bodies do. I'm a spirit person, so I feel we just go on. Jason isn't sure. I think he thinks it all stops and that's it. I don't know for sure, but I hope not.

While your heart is still beating today...go out and enjoy the evening if the weather is right. As we were walking I knelt down to Z and said, "Take a deep breath in!" (I showed her how and she mimicked) "Ahhh...fresh air! It feels good!!" She just laughed at me.

 **** By the way--
I heard today that Paul McCartney is playing Wrigley Field in Chicago this summer. I've seen him 6 or 7 times now. He's my absolute favorite. If he's playing near you--GO SEE HIM. Even if you don't know a single song. Talk about a spiritual experience. It's "tripping the live fantastic" and I highly recommend it to feed your soul.

observations

The Jazz festival is going on this week. I've never been to one. I've lived in such jazzy cities even--Kansas City and Chicago...but no festival. Hmmm. Rochester actually has quite jazz scene. I'm impressed by the talent that comes here. Little Z isn't so much on sitting and enjoying music. I'm playing some jazz in the house to make up for not going today. It's so pretty out. The sky is bright blue. We all walked to the gym today at noon. Beautiful. I'm still listening to Jane Fonda and found myself lying on my yoga mat listening to her voice and staring out the window at the trees. It was so calming. Some of the cotton is blowing around. I try to take in as much of the beauty of the outside as I can. I try to take snapshots to remind myself how lucky I am. Life is crazy and I forget how nice it is just to have the sun shining on your face and shoulders. I get really caught up in making sure the house is tidy and I forget about what is really important. My head gets jumbled and my chest gets so tight when things aren't just so. I seemed so much more free as a kid--but probably just unaware and careless. Yes, I'm more serious now rather than just dramatic. I get wrapped up in nonsense now. I see my day as a failure unless I've done something productive. I can't just lie about anymore. In the evenings it is easier. But, as some strange ritual, I have to make a mental checklist of all I've accomplished in the day in order to justify my couch potato evenings.

This morning, at Barnes and Noble story time, I observed two mothers talking. They were each so anxious to get a sentence out. Each trying to get immediate validation for what they'd just said. I recognized that same scene as being how I was about 8 months ago. Staying at home can be so monotonous and lonely. I could see how they just wanted to talk to someone...anyone. I didn't participate much in the conversation. I've relaxed a bit about it all. I'm trying to calm down about being perfect and trying to find the perfect play group. Z is flourishing just fine and I certainly don't want to spend anytime with chit chat. I'm not a snob...I just come off so ridiculous, I'd rather be silent. It's hard being a mom. It's an odd thing. Being one at an older age is very strange for me. I'm used to being all about my own experiences. Now, I focus on what kind of experiences I want her to have. I'm not great on toddler stuff. It gets on my nerves. I don't fill my car or my house with toddler tunes. Toddler shows on TV grate on my nerves.

I'm going to go sit in the sun. Z is napping and it is obvious to me that I need some Vitamin D.

I need to start playing the lottery.

Today I spent time doing yard work. It's not my favorite thing. Jason hates it. I don't mind mowing, but it's the weeding that really gets me. We have a yard that required a lot of maintenance. We are not yard people. We are people who want more time to drink our coffee and read the paper. We want to hike or go to brunch. Anything, but do yard work. I'd love to have flowers, but I don't know how to plant anything. I'm going to learn so that Z will know how. I sprayed the weeds and then the three of us went to the gym. I'd love to say it was for our health, but I feel it was just to delay the rest of the yard.

I listened to Jane at the gym. (Jane Fonda's book) I learned all about her side of the Vietnam FTA story. I see where she was misjudged, but after hearing her side, I totally understand what she was trying to do. Many really were turned off of her during that time--and never got turned on again to Jane. Living your life in front of the press would be aggravating. The stories written in tabloids get to be fact and you don't get the opportunity to do anything unnoticed. Everyone develops opinions on your every move. I can't imagine. So many of want to be noticed all of the time. So many are starved for fame. Most just want to be acknowledged, I'm sure. Acknowledgement is so important. I think we forget to do this for the ones we love. We went to Barnes last night and I got The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Four of my friends had asked me if I'd read it, so it seemed as if the universe was trying to tell me something. I'll write more on it later--but I am learning! We do need to remember to smile when we see our loved ones. We do it for our toddlers...then we seem to stop. I'm now focusing on it.

Money allows you to spend your time doing what you really want to do. I think that's why we want so much of it. Yes, you can get a lot of stuff--but I think we'd spend a lottery winning putting people in place to do things like the yard, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry...and we'll sit and drink our coffee and read the rest of The Times.  Oh, and go to movies...my, how we miss going to movies. gosh.

Jane Fonda

I'm listening to her autobiography and feel like I'm in therapy. It's fascinating. I love to hear the voice of the author. (I experienced this with Rob Lowe's book as well.) Unlike Rob's book, Jane's is not light and fun--at least not so far. She digs deep into her childhood and faces demons of her mother and father. Growing up a Fonda wasn't easy. A particular part that I've really thought about is Jane's new understanding of her mother, years after her death. She spoke to friends of her mother and discovered papers her mother had written about her own childhood. Jane's mother spent time in a mental hospital during the last weeks of her life. While there, she wrote of her troubling childhood and it helped explain a lot to Jane about why her mother may not have bonded with her the way she needed. I feel that I've been really exploring my relationship with  my own parents and taking a deeper look at my own childhood in order to understand why I am the way I am. It is confusing. When you are so different than your family members, you seem to constantly look for reasons as to why. Why am I so expressive and wanting to know more and willing to ask the tough questions? My mom, dad and older sister are very reserved about their feelings. They don't share much. And they feel very uncomfortable with me asking any questions or wanting to talk about anything. My dad seems to almost run from me. My mom gets short with me and my sister just sits silently. Wendy doesn't discuss anything. She's very surface. At least she is with me. I have so many questions for her. I'd love to know her better. We seemed to be closer when she was in her early 20s. Now, we talk through Mom. If she wants to talk about anything, I don't know it. She's very bright and was the "chosen one" when we were growing up. She got the experiences of going on big trips that I didn't. She was the one everyone raved about--her beauty, her brains and her artistic quality. She's a very sweet person. She's very much like my dad in the way she thinks and organizes her thoughts. I feel like being sisters, I should feel more linked to her. The thing is, I feel like I couldn't be more different. I feel like an alien when I go home. I couldn't even tell you how she feels about me. I annoyed her greatly while we were growing up. I am 5 years younger and when you're in high school, it's a huge difference. She was just cooler. Now, I can't get a read on her. Is she happy? Does she like me? Is she still annoyed with me? I always resort to my teenage self when I'm around her. I have all the same insecurities. I'm sure many people feel this way about their family.

As I listen to Jane talk about her childhood with such honesty, I realize that I felt so connected and tuned in to her story...and that I was so comforted by it. Whereas many feel very uncomfortable with such brutal honesty, I've always felt horribly awkward around small chit chat. I loved listening to her talking about many things most don't. I felt like I was being taught about my own life. I felt like I was learning things about the way my own insides are put together.  I was so wrapped up in the book that I couldn't even work out anymore (I was trying to listen whilst biking at the gym) and found a couch to just sit and listen. It's been hard to want to do much else except listen to this book. I really  feel connected--almost in a trance. It's making me realize that the kind of writing that I normally do on here is uncomfortable for me. When I'm done with 99% of these posts I feel shallow. I'm happy I at least wrote something, but feel as if I wasn't authentic in any way.  I worry that I'm too deep and thinky. But I didn't feel Jane was at all. I've been thinking about writing a play. I now know it's going to be heavy. I try to be the light, and funny one so much of the time because that is what I feel people want. Yes I want to be a bright spot in peoples' lives, but I also want to write with as much honesty as I can. I learn when people dive deep into their own experiences and share what they've learned from them. Life is so difficult to navigate alone. I've always looked for guidance on how to do anything. Now, I feel I'm looking for guidance on how to process my own memories/experiences and how to use them to make me better. I'm enrolling myself into a class (created by me) where I listen to audio autobiographies read by the author. I want to sit with these people and listen to their journeys. I want to learn from their triumphs and mistakes. I just want to be able to feel as if I'm more connected into the deeper meaning of relationships and life.

Apology

An apology to all of the friends that gave me advice over and over and over (sometimes for years) and over--and I didn't take it. Here's the thing--when EVERYONE sees it--they're usually not wrong. You can never see what you're suppose to see when you're in a bad situation. Doesn't that SUCK??!!

I'm getting pay back now. How frustrating.