Children will listen...even adult ones.

Again, I'm over thinking. Or, maybe just not disregarding. I have a hard time when someone disappoints me. I can't even let them know. I just carry it around with me and feel awful about it. Instead of dealing with it...as I grow older, I tend to just move away from them a bit. That makes me sad, too. I'm trying to file all of these things so I can remember what not to do.

Here's the thing. Even if you have a struggle with someone...they are loved by someone else. One should always keep that in mind. I don't. But, feeling the sting of hearing a negative comment (that I was not suppose to hear) about someone I love--I will now keep it in mind. It's hard when you have a negative opinion of someone...and someone else can't see your point. BUT, it isn't your job to turn them.

I realize I write about thing so vaguely sometimes. I can't exactly be direct about this one. But I can still write about what I learn. I'm slow to learn the "if you can't say anything nice" lesson. I most always have to be on the receiving end of a lesson in order to understand the harm first. That sucks about me.

This song reminds me of this point...
How what your words or your actions affect your children (or anyone around you). You are always a parent...and adult children are still small in many ways.

Love Barbra...

After The Gypsies

After the Gypsies

stole me
I began to live in color
I felt bruises from
cobblestones beneath my feet
Treats thrown to me in the street tasted deliciously sweet
Rocks under my head shortened my dreams
made them frequent/vibrant
My scent became that
of a wild animal
Tangles in my hair made it thick/luxurious
Every eye followed my
dash to grab a rotten piece of fruit from vendors who reeked of hashish and nicotine
Henna was placed upon
my hands
I had no need to wash them
Winters cold and summers heat tested my survival instincts
After the gypsies stole me
I felt so alive

---Ronda Miller. 

Ronda is a dear friend of mine. She's a poet and a lover of life. She is a survivor. It shows in this poem. I've posted poems from her on here before, but I wanted to address this one. 

There is an episode of Breaking Bad when Jesse finds a little boy in a horrendous situation. His parents are meth heads and the little boy lives in squaller. They are awful conditions. The boys seems unaffected. He knows this as his childhood. In the book, Room, a child experiences his childhood in prison...but that's his reality. He doesn't know anything different. Children seem to be born with such natural optimism. They make the best out of everything. They rise above. They are survivors. When does this leave us? When does pessimism sneak in? When do we start looking around and realizing..."This is shit. I need out of here." I'm not sure. I know there were times I had in Chicago when I was broke and took jobs to get by...and life was difficult. During the time it seemed normal and I just did what I had to do. Looking back I think, "how did I do that??" I think there are many times we look back on life and realize that things were a lot rougher than we thought and yet, we survived just fine. It's when you are older...when you've lived and you go through a rough time and think..."this really sucks..." That's when a decision is made. When I was so horribly depressed in college, I remember thinking how much more I felt than anyone else. I really understood how life felt. I was feeling the lows of low and the highs of high. I felt alive then. It was a rough time...but man, I wrote some good stuff. Luckily the decision I've always made is to make it through and make the best of it. I finally get so tired of feeling badly that I just decide to feel better. 

Sadly, some are unable to come to that conclusion. We lose them to that feeling. 

The optimism of this poem...to turn the harsh climate into a story of triumph. I love it. 

I really don't want to care.

Harper is walking...a few steps and then down--but she's doing it! She gets very excited when she realizes what's going on.
She seems happy with learning new things each day. She made show frustration but I don't see the disappointment at the things that she is unable to do. If she can't seem to do it she just keep trying until she can.

A sad realization about myself is that I spend most of my time thinking how I could be better instesd of being appreciative of who I already am. I could be a better cook. I could do better at the gym. The house could be cleaner. I should be reading more books. I should be writing more. I feel as if I'm not interesting enough. I see people that just exude confidence and I'm puzzled by it. Why am I not like that? Why am I not just satisfied with how I am alone. I do like spending time with myself. Its not like I don't like me, I just wish I was a better me. I focus way too much on outside influences and what other people think. I yearn to not give a shit.
I would say its because I'm at home with my thoughts all day, that I dive in the deep all the time. However I've always felt this way. Is this something that we get from my parents? Are we born with all these insecurities that never go away? I always want to be like somebody else. I've written about this a lot. I feel that there's something that I am supposed to do that I have not done yet. I really need to figure out what that is.

Digging in.

Halloween is over the decorations must come down, marking another date looked forward to and passed. The trees have some leaves left, though we had a huge windstorm that I thought would leave them skeletal.

I need color outside for just a while longer before it is cloaked in white. But, I am looking forward to that, too. I constantly look forward or backward. I struggle with today. It's as if I'm holding onto a rope and pull up toward something (I don't know what) and look back and think, "wow, I'm only that far?" What a dim look at life. I have waves of happy...and waves of not so happy. Thus, the way everyone goes about it, I suppose. God I sound depressing.

Sometimes I feel as if the people who glide through life without thinking too much have it figured out. I think too much about everything. I dive deep into the meanings of each day. I think too much about the thoughts of others as well. I pick apart relationships in my head. I go over and over conversations I've had with people wondering if it could have gone better. ?? It is a frustrating and tiring way of existence. I bring things to attention. I don't do well with ignoring tough situations. I bring them up to people and it makes them uncomfortable. I cause people to ponder whether they can mentally handle time with me or not. OR they don't and I've just created all of it. The friends of mine that are naturally thinkers and ponder-ists have no issue. It's the people who just want to not think about much and think I'm making things harder by dealing with it. I guess they may be right.

There are issues that need to be dealt with--and it frustrates me to NO END when I'm forced to table it so I don't ruin the relationship.

Well was that vague enough?!

I've been watching some documentaries that have me thinking even more! So that doesn't help.
However, I REALLY recommend those who WANT to dive in to that stuff. They are about family and how you see things as a child vs as an adult. The REAL things parents are thinking, doing and feeling that aren't aware of as children. As an adult...and married with children of my own, they really struck a cord with me.

Stories We Tell


and

51 Birch Street.

I think lesbian call girl sounds better.

When I had my weekend away 3 weeks ago, I said I was going to write every day. Clearly, that didn't happen. I constantly make rules for myself that I break. It's annoying. No one knows about them except me--and now, you, but still. Time gets away from me.

The gym training is going very well. I'm so much stronger than I was when I started. It's amazing how quickly your body responds. I lost my spare tire. I just need to wipe out the cellulite, but I don't believe that is possible. damn.

Harper turns 1 tomorrow. I can't believe it. She is about the sweetest thing. Always smiling and happy. She has her moments when she is hungry or tired, but otherwise, she is just so good. She is starting to sign now. She can sign milk, more, eat and nap. She can stand and walk with assistance but she isn't quite walking yet.

This is such a random post. It's more of a catch up.
I finished The Killing (all 3 seasons) on Amazon--really loved it. It is so dark though. Linden, the main character is so flawed and brave. She is a different breed of woman from me. I find it so interesting to see how we can all dive into such dark places in our minds--and how we survive them.
I watched a movie the other night, Concussion, that is not for everyone. I loved it, but I focused more on what compelled the main character to go through her journey. She is a lesbian in a marriage that seems to have dulled by jobs and children. She is lonely and bored with her existence. She decides to become a (for lack of a better word) prostitute. She is only with women. It's is a very Pottery Barn way of going about it. All of her clients are beautiful. They meet tin a chic apartment that she has redone as a side project. The whole things seems unrealistic. However, her thought processes and such were fascinating to me. I told Jason that I identified with her--"You identify with a lesbian prostitute? Hmmm." Yeah, I can see how he might not get it. You had to be there, I guess.

We are seeing Gravity tonight in 3D IMAX. I'm excited! Next weekend we're going to see The 39 Steps at Geva. That one is the one I'm really excited to see. I love Hitchcock and Geva always does such a Broadway level job. I'm so impressed with them. I'd love to become part of that theatre somehow--behind the scenes. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be...

It seems to me that I'm drawn to stories of very confused, lost women. Hmmm. That's concerning, right??

maybe i should buy a cape.

I have a fear of flying. Well, I get anxious about becoming anxious when flying. My face feels like tiny pins are sticking it and I feel light headed. It's always about the time before take off. I have more to lose now if things don't work out. I'm so excited for my weekend away, yet miss my girls already. I could have cried taking Z to Doodle Bugs this morning. I didn't, she wouldn't understand. It seems like at times all I want is some time to myself--but in the hours leading up to it, it feels like my heart is so heavy. Is this an unhealthy attachment to my children? Maybe. Oh well. Deep breath. They will be fine.

That's another one of my issues--I feel like anyone out of my sight is in danger of not coming back. I have MAJOR separation anxiety. Except it goes further...I'm fearful. I'm terrified of any type of accident. I really need to be seen about it. My anxiety is out of control.

I am a fearful person. It doesn't seem to match me at times, but I feel it is true. I've done a lot of brave/stupid things...but mostly, I'm clueless when I'm doing it. I'm trying to put this part of myself aside so that the girls don't see it. My mom is fear based it seems. She worries over everything. I feel like that causes the child to have anxiety...and the cycle continues.

Woman up. Right? You're right. I need to. I'm going to. As soon as I get out of this fetal position.

I want someone to swing me around and show me beauty...

Spent the day trying to be productive. I was mostly successful. I leave for Chicago for the weekend tomorrow. A couple of days with dear friends to relax and not be a mommy or a wife. (well, you know what I mean.)

I am admittedly a better mommy than wife. I was a good girlfriend--I think. As a wife, I struggle to keep my independence and not fall into some type of 1950s style of life. Stay at home mom--I mean, hello!! It's hard not to feel less than in front of women that have children and work a full time job. Bravo to them. I love staying home with the girls, but it affects my mentality. I'm trying to paint a picture of a secure person who is cool with all of her decisions. I'm sweet and cuddly with my girls. I struggle with the sweet and cuddly wife thing. ?? I used to be the biggest mush. I think I second guess how J sees me--basically thinking I'm not that interesting most of the time, so how could he think so?

This is a therapy session folks, sorry.

Okay. I want to see Gravity. The movies are pouring out due to awards season and there is just not enough time!! #1stworldproblems.

Z is starting to like movies. She can sit and watch them over and over. This week it was Robin Hood (the Disney fox version) and The Wizard of Oz. I was a little shocked about that one, but the McD's toys spurred her interested.

Let's end with something happy.
This is my all time favorite movie.
And I feel like I need this type of experience right now...

you mock my pain.

I'm finding it hard to be consistent here. Having the blues makes you want to hide away from the world a bit and not pull people into your oh woe is me-ness. But I'm forcing myself to reach out today. The trees are starting to really pop. Yesterday was good. Z and I decorated for Halloween. We have lights with sound effects (thunder and lightening!) and lights that licker like lanterns. It's cool. Z calls one of the rooms "the spooky forest" because we have a 4 ft. black gnarly tree that is wrapped in lights. We embrace all of the ghouls here. Except, that I can't even watch scary movies if I know J will be gone due to my over active imagination.

Harper turns 1 in 18 days. I can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, so she is still my baby. She is the sweetest. Constantly comes in for a cuddle and loves to hold hands and mimic anything you do. (She's really quite good!)

I'm resisting the urge to nap right now, worrying that I'll go under water. I've always seen the blues as water slowly creeping up my neck trying to over take me. I don't feel like drowning. Jason is out of town tonight and there is much to do before these girls go to bed.

The words from The Princess Bride keep running over and over in my head lately. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something."

My idealist thoughts of life were probably born out of movies. I hold on to them a lot. Hence, the fact that I am constantly disappointed. The people in my life that constantly told me how hard life is, I felt were always so negative. Well, they were right--but I still think they were negative about it. It is hard. All aspects have challenges. I struggle with most things. However, I still see the light in most situations. How else to you keep going??

The light is here...mine is just dimmed a bit. It will burn bright again. I just have to be patient.

more control issues

The sun is shining. It's going to be a beautiful day. Yet, I am full of anxiety. This is driving me nuts. When surrounded by people who struggle daily, I seem to find stress in my good life. I feel guilty about feeling this way.

Okay, I have a really hard time owning my feelings. I feel badly if I feel bad. If I have anxiety. If I'm lonely. If I need more attention. It's not the woman I want to be--yet, it is the woman I am. It wouldn't take a lot, just a little. To have a go to movie person--when J can 't go. To have a go to person that comes over and chit chats. To have a go to person to go on walks.

I've lived my with close friends. I'm a friend person. I can't make Jason be everything to me and I've been trying to. That doesn't work. When I'm lonely, it is all on him. I need to nourish some parts of me that are not mommy and wife.

I got a trainer at the gym and that's been great. I'm getting stronger. My body was so weak from surgeries, babies and no exercise. Now, I feel like I'm taking control of it.

My life is a good one. I know this. I am aware of the hardships of others and know that I am lucky to have the life I have. It's my insides I need to work on.


(Thank you JP for reaching out. That made a HUGE difference)

I've been avoiding this

I haven't blogged forever. I know. I feel like I've been avoiding it. I've been filled with too much conflicting emotion and worried about being too negative. I think it's a low spot. The girls are always my high point--though I have my days when I feel like another mom needs to check in so I can rest and be a better me. I am tired...yet everyone is. I feel as if I can't own my own issues. I know everyone has them...therefore it makes me feel like a wimp to deal with my own. Someone out there is always tougher, smarter, more equipped than I am. I want to be good at it. I want to be better than I am.

Today is a day where I feel as if I'm on an island alone. I don't feel in touch with anyone. I don't feel connected. I'm lonely. I'm used to such every day closeness...with friends, etc. I don't have that here. I look outward for love. I'm needy. I hate admitting that. I want to strong, independent and self sufficient. I'm  just not. I need affection. I need connection. I need conversation.

Jason works a lot. Everyone knows this. It is too much for me, really. It's too much for him, too. He is addicted. He doesn't think so. They never do. I don't know what to say about this really. It's just the way it is.

My good friends are far away. The phone sucks. The reality is that life gets busy and makes it hard to stay in touch the way I want to.

I'm lost today. I'm bored with myself. I'm bored with who I am...I'm not seeming to learn anything new. I obsess over things I can't change. Things I feel as if I can somehow. My family stresses me out. I feel like a little girl constantly upset. When will I ever feel like an adult?

See...this is whiny. I can't help it. I'm processing. damn.

I've been gone. sort of.

I'm back now. I had family in for 5 weeks. So, I became a full time maid and cruise director and didn't have time to write.

So many things to reflect on and discuss. Geesh. Here is a quick list of things I either learned or had reemphasized in the last 5-6 weeks.

1. You may share blood...and nothing else. Isn't that odd??
2. I have a hard time carving out time for myself with others are around.
3. I  need to let my daughters fight their own battles, but I really want to solve all of their problems myself.
4. I need more therapy.
5. I need to work on my fear of conflict, especially if it is needed.
6. #4 covers a lot of my issues I've discovered in myself.


Some random thoughts:

1. Watched House of Cards on Netflix and LOVE IT!!!
2. I've started reading a book on parenting a strong willed child so that I don't ruin my relationship with Z.
3. At one time I lived without a dishwasher...ours broke and I went nuts the first day. Talk about a 1st world problem!
4. I'm starting with a trainer at my gym soon. Jason and friends did Tough Mudder in Buffalo and I backed out due to fear of breaking my body. Watching them, I was filled with regret. Next year...I totally want to do it.
5. I'm tired of being fearful. I need to face some things head on.


More to come...
It feels good to be back!!

happy for no reason it seems

It's harder for me to write every day. ugh. Today it's raining...and will be for the next several days. The next clear, sunny day is forecasted for July 5th. geesh.

my mood is good, though. i'm in a great mood today for some reason. i've been stressed out for days. i don't know what the change is, but i'll take it. how out of touch i am with myself that when i am in a great mood, i don't even know why. that's messed up.

jason's birthday is today. he's 36. we'll celebrate tomorrow night. Moe's or wings...and World War Z. He's a zombie lover.

my family arrives on sunday or monday. we're quickly doing house projects. new lights, new door, new faucets. we do most of our home renovations during july. it stresses j out that people will be here during all of the work--but he has a vision of how things should be. if he could totally redecorate the entire house before anyone visited, he would. whacko.

the girls are great. Harper is such a darling. she makes the sweetest noises. Z is really into fort making. yesterday she was all about making paper fans and doing japanese fan dances. She loves Phillip Phillips. She cracks me up.

Well, there's much to be tidied up. I guess I should get to it.

Here is Will's story.

Again, click on link...

http://youtu.be/VihMT-RRKnk

Pressure Man--Will Gray.

my friend, Reva is playing banjo...and is a back up singer.

I'm having a hard time with the injustice of cancer. it's taken dear friends before. I don't even know Will personally. maybe it's because I'm older. maybe because I have children. Yes, I think that's it. How will I explain why these thing happen? He's not gone. I don't mean to write as if he is. He's just so ill and nothing can really be done except to hope and pray.

http://goteamgray.com/

#goteamgray

song birds

http://youtu.be/LqoROX6lZm4

click on the link because the damn video upload won't work.

Sometimes, it's just too much

Tonight, I'm overwhelmed. Been following a friend of a friend's progress with cancer online for a while now. I saw him perform with my friend, Reva about 4 years ago in Washington, D.C. Jason and I have followed his music ever since. He is young, talented, kind and a devout christian. I don't go to church and it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk religion most times. Jesus Christ isn't someone I feel like I know. He does. His wife does. They are true followers of the Christian religion. And he's dying. I'm not. For some reason, that screws me up. I know this makes no sense. My friend, Bill, that died at 40 was an atheist. That shit doesn't matter. Bill was one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I just feel odd reading things about young, talented, artistic people who are doing things with their talents...and have such horrible tragedy in their lives. I just read an article tonight about Michael Hastings. He was a writer and a contributor to Rolling Stone. He's dead at 33 after a car accident. WTF. I know this shit happens every day. I know that. Tonight, it is too much for me. I feel as if I'm sitting on a log doing nothing and surviving while others are putting their talents out into the world and getting fucked. you know??

Look up Will Gray. Broke*--the documentary. Go to www.goteamgray.com and see what you think.
Watch this:

https://vimeo.com/67914803

The back up singer is my friend, Reva. They are magical together.

I'm just overwhelmed with these thoughts tonight. I will go kiss my girls and go to bed.

I don't get life. I really don't.

maybe a nap is needed.

The sun is shining and it is just under 80 degrees. It is beautiful. My mood should be better. I'm just sort of blah. I hate when you feel blue and have no idea why. J left for an overnight business deal. Whenever he drives, I always freak out. I'm trying to stop doing that--but it is hard.

We are celebrating our 6th anniversary on Friday night. I got the reservations. A new place. Probably over priced. Maybe we shouldn't go so fancy, I don't know. It seemed appropriate.

There are days when you wish the world would pause so you could get your bearings. This is one of those days. What the hell is wrong with me??

girls and heros

The summer is finally getting here, though I'm writing and it's only 64 degrees. It's a nice morning. It's been raining for days--with a beautiful sunny break yesterday. We took family pics in our yard. They are going to be so great to have. Jason HATES getting his picture taken and belly ached for days leading up to it...but he pulled through just fine and ended up liking the process. That's how it goes normally--he dreads social situations and then is fine during the event. It sort of drives me nuts--but I suppose there are reasons for his anxiety and I'll have to just deal with it. He deals with my weeks of anxiety leading up to a trip back home. Same thing.

The girls are doing well. Harper is trying so hard to crawl, but isn't getting anywhere very quickly. She rolls her way to everything. Z is a nice mixture of darling and aggravating. She is so head strong. She is just like her parents--fatigue does not bring out her best side. I love these girls. I'm so anxious to see their friendship grow. Right now they adore each other...I know this will be an up and down thing.

I'm looking into taking a class through Writers and Books. Mom and Wendy are coming in for July, so I think we'll take it together. This is the run down...

A Hero's Journey:Ever wonder why great films have such power to move you? Countless contemporary and classic films draw their storytelling power from mythic structuring and the archetypes we interact with in our own life journey. In this workshop we will break down some of the most beloved films in cinema to show the dramatic impact that mythic structuring & the hero’s journey has over all genres of film.

I want to take a writing class, too, but this one will be fun.

Here are two shots from yesterday:

I'm Mad

I'm obsessed with Mad Men. I could watch it all day. I love the time period. I love the characters. I love the advertising. I love the fashions. I love their reactions to historical events-- It's as if I'm watching family members back in the day- and how they could have reacted. And, since I was not alive yet, I watch their tvs and have similar reactions. I find it fascinating.

I have a great idea for a hotel in Vegas. Each floor (starting with the 1920s) is a decade. On each floor, you could shop in a vintage shop, all tvs (when invented) would show programming from that decade. Each would have its own movie theatre showing films of the day. Each would have foods popular at that time--or restaurant replicas of hot spots. They could have look-a-likes walking around of film stars of the day. (cheesy??) The whole thing would be as if you walked back in time. You get off the elevator and it just is. Nothing telling you what decade...you'd have to figure it out yourself--unless you pre-booked your room in the 1960s. Is that so cool?? Maybe it's just me. I'd go there.

Wait a minute.

It's been a while. I've been away. Now that I'm back I'm trying see if I can go into the summer with a new perspective. Kansas ended up being better than I expected. The life is different. It's familiar, but not the same. I missed how the town used to look and feel. It's just not the way I remembered. Well, it's just not the same. So many dead trees due to drought. So many deserted houses. So many houses that used to look nice...honestly, look like shit now. I'm not sure if it's because the pride in the town is gone or what. The HS is smaller. The kids don't care as much. It just sort of sucks.

I come home to my beautiful trees and my house that can never get clean. I'm home with my bed and my girls...and life is good. I'm not saying it isn't hard, it is. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Being a good parent is hard. But as I look out into my back yard...I'm comforted by the life I've created thus far for the girls. They are happy and healthy.

There are many things I'm pondering. I find myself just sitting and thinking. I know most don't even have the time to do that. Sometimes I just want to sit in the sun and think about nothing. It gets exhausting to keep trying to figure everything out. How do I feel about this? How can I be better at this? What can I do to make that better?

Time isn't slowing down for me to figure it all out.

There's no place like home.

I'm packing today. The girls and I leave tomorrow for Kansas by way of Cleveland. I have friends lined up to see when I arrive and I'm anxious for the conversations to come. I have a heavy heart about leaving here, but only because it is safe for me. At home, I tend to feel insecure and unsure. Here, I have my own issues, but they are mine...and I understand where my place is. I am the mom and the wife. I am the home owner and the one in charge of bed times and bath times. There, I am still the child of someone and worrying about whether I'm pleasing both (divorced) parents. Am I spending enough time? Am I being fair? I grew up worrying about it and I still do.

If I drop all of that away, I am look forward to showing Z my home town. It isn't what it used to be, but things always change. I look forward to spending time with my family and having them get to know my girls. I love my girls. Z is SO funny and smart and pretty. H is so loving and sweet. She is a cuddler. She is a smiler. They both laugh often. I feel that I've done something right because of that.

I look forward to hugging my dear friends and being a good listener for them. I want to make up for all the times I just wanted them to be there for me. I want to share our times and get their take on issues I'm having. I want to make sure we connect again.

This morning said she was excited about leaving. "I'm happy and I'm sad." (I get that.) "I'm sad we're not leaving today...but I'm happy we're going to go." I'm just going to listen to her. She is so optimistic and happy. What a great girl.

Letting go.

Spring is here. The sun is out. It is warm. The trees are in bloom. It's gorgeous. My nerves are still a bit raw, but that's just me, I guess.

I'm still anxious. I need to learn to meditate. There are a lot of things I need to learn to do. Different times of life require different tools to get through them.

Deep breaths are good.
Thinking positive thoughts.
Cleaning.
Realizing that you are good, just the way you are.
Out with the bad, in with the good.

I struggle. I'm not as comfortable in my skin as I'd like to be. I feel good as a mom. I need some work as a wife, daughter and friend. I feel I'm trying. Honestly, I feel that I try when others do not. There are a few people in my life that just don't reach out much (like for several months or years) and I'm tired. I have abandonment issues. It is hard for me to let people slip away. I may just have to do that. I can't be the one the continues to reach out. They have to put in some work, too. There are plenty that do. This is a hard realization. We are all busy. It seems that the people that  continue to make you feel important as life goes on...are the ones that deserve that energy.

Maybe later, after I've rested--I will reach out again and see what happens. It could be that I'm just ignoring the signs--"uh...I'm okay that we don't talk anymore." Okay...then I'll be okay with it as well.

Complicated and annoying.

I sit here, tired and wanting a nap. It isn't even noon yet. I slept decently last night. I think I'm in a bit of an escape mode. Been going to therapy with Jason and it sure makes you dig up a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily want to deal with. He goes to it like it's a class. He takes notes. He writes them up, edits them and prints them out. Sort of cute, I think. I go and listen and talk. I take nothing in. I don't write about it at all. I sit with the thoughts a lot. They make me tired.

Then there's the Kansas trip. One I always look forward to--but it also wears me out to think about it as well. I go back and try to connect again with the people I love for a short amount of time. It's exhausting. My friends are now mothers. We have children racing around. Our friendship grew in a time of quiet and self evaluation. Now, we have no time to really talk. I'm all about connecting and feeling connected. It's just tough right now. I want to feel as if we're in some time of life long class. It's ups and downs. The tests, the pop quizzes of shit just thrown at you. I want to check in with them. "How is it going for you?" "Are you figuring it out?" "Have you figured out how to get an A in here?"

I like to explore. But it makes me tired. So, I retreat into anything that I can. Movies are a big one. This past weekend we went to see A Place Beyond the Pines. Uhh...that was not an escape. It threw J and I both into thought. Man, that movie was like a novel. It was rich in story. It made you really think about what is truly important in being a parent. What about the type of person you are. What about how you provide for your child? What makes a "good" person/father. We've been talking about it ever since. It's fascinating. (At least for those who love film.) I recommend it.

Then there's the 20 year reunion. Ugh. How am I going to do that? You walk in, smile, pretend to feel interesting when you don't really feel interesting. You laugh at things that probably aren't funny to you. You want to be nice to people. You want them to like you. You want them to think you look good. You want them to think you've done something right. In this case, I suppose I will parade my hot husband and damn cute girls and let them just represent me. I will try to be funny...when I just want to sit down and talk deeply with people. I wanted to do that in HS, too--but no one wants to get deep at reunions. I HATE small talk. I can't stand the chit chat shit. And when I want to be me...I'll have to pull one of my close friends aside and talk--and then it will look as if I'm no social enough.

BLEH.

Not a teenage dream. At all.

So, one of the reasons I'm headed back to KS in May is for my 20 year class reunion. I've been to all of the other ones and it is...an interesting experience. I love seeing my girlfriends, but I struggle being back in SJ at times. Even though I loved my HS years, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. Whenever I go back, those feelings come back. I find myself hiding out at my parents house and keeping away from people in the TINY grocery store.

In Jr. High--7th grade year, to be exact, I was bullied. I had not a single friend. I spent as much time in my mom's classroom (she was a teacher in my HS) and hated the free period after lunch. It wasn't a cool time. I still have nightmares about it. Isn't that odd? I'm 38! Anyway, at the end of that year, I was befriended by someone on the "in crowd" and slowly, but surely, became friends with the rest. It was a strange time. I fear that I fell into bullying myself the next year to protect myself from being on the bottom again. Honestly, I can't remember. My friend, Toni and I were fighting because she was mean to me for a while...then I'm sure I was mean back--but we finally made amends (thank god) and were besties all through HS. I did notice that after her time of being at the "bottom"--she was never the same. She was guarded and although we were good friends, it was a noticeable difference. There was something that was just missing. People were mean and cruel to her...and it affected her. She had a harder exterior. She was distant. She was more independent. It affected me, too. I went the opposite direction--becoming pretty dependent on my friends. My ups and downs depended on their ups and downs. Even now, my dreams consist of my friends suddenly not liking me anymore and I don't know what to do to change their minds. whacko.

I'm recounting all of this because I started reaching out to people I thought were in my class senior year...to see if they were coming to the reunion. We're inviting ANYONE who has EVER been in our class from Kindergarten on...we are tiny, tiny class (23) and wanted more people to show up. One of the girls informed me that she transferred schools due to bullying. Uhh...I had no idea. My head was obviously up my ass. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to confront all of that, yet. UGH. How many other people had shitty times in HS and I just didn't notice? I was so into my friends and my boyfriend that I just didn't take time to pay attention. It is a sucky feeling. I understand where she is coming from. The people that bullied me...I still have grudges against. Even though I had a good group of friends--I was bullied by a select few until I graduated. I feel like if I ever saw them in St. John, they'd probably treat me the same. (I'm sure they wouldn't, but I feel that way.)

Some of my friends back then were bullies, too. Not the girls so much, but the boys. A few in particular, who were very nice to me...were absolute shits to other people. Some of this I just found out in the past year. I think I remember them being assholes...but I don't remember saying anything. I wish I had. My character was lacking.

I hate that reality.

So, I've been reaching out and trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. There is really only about 1 that I struggle being nice to--because he is STILL an asshole....but I will try. The guys in my class are mostly "good ol' boys"--there's not a ton of depth there. They were raised strict in religion and their parents were bullies, too. Bullies are everywhere. It's shocking to me...to be a parent and be a bully. ??? Uhh...did you not learn anything by having a child? Ridiculous and sad.

Still, I'm going to go in--feel insecure and nerdy--but be nice, smile and try to prove to myself that I've really grown up and that HS was a LONG time ago.

Focus.

So, I got on the scale this morning and almost croaked. I've been in a bit of a mood...sitting around and eating at night A LOT mood. The blues came upon me and so did the lbs. Not a ton, but enough for me to fit too snuggly in my jeans. This can't be. Summer is coming and I suppose to be in shorts at some point. ugh. So, I'm trying to lose the weight before my trip to Kansas. 28 days to lose 12 lbs. I can do it.

I need to turn my mood around. The sun is getting offended.  Yes, my mood caused me to retreat. I've been in my head a lot. I've been escaping in any way I know how. Getting up and moving will help. The endorphines alone should do something.

The world is a crazy place. I'm so tired of tragedies. I'm tired of useless deaths and injuries. I'm so tired of cruel, evil people. I'm tired of people losing their loved ones. I guess this will be continue. It will always be that way. It's always been that way. To be the mother of that 8 year old boy in Boston. To be the mother of any of those children in Newtown. I can hardly bare the thought of it.

Damn.

This is another point...it's time to get out of my blues. I don't have anything to be blue about. My life is good. My girls are safe and healthy. I need to focus.

Youth is wasted on the young

I'm doing my best to get into the spirit of Spring. I created a happy mix on 8tracks. (I find this brings out my inner teenager.) If there is sun, I'm trying to sit in it. I'm trying to get Harper some Vit. D. I'm looking forward to my trip to Kansas. I'm a little worried about traveling alone with the girls, but I can do it!! I don't want Z to feed off of my anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if I had so much anxiety (well, still) as a kid because my mom had so much and still does.

I'm channeling my inner teen a lot lately. I guess I shouldn't say teen, but younger self. I'm on a Party of Five marathon right now. (how much do l love that show?!) It takes me back. I like to take frequent trips back to my youth. It was a strange time, yes--but I feel very linked to it. I was able to express myself easier. As a mom, it is just harder to do that. As a teen/20, you are to act selfishly for the most part. You are able to explore and experience new things. Now, it's about other people. Are my kids happy/healthy? Is my husband happy? Is the house clean? Are we going about this in the right way?

It's just not as fun sometimes. My niece is headed to KU (University of Kansas) in August. I just want to live vicariously through her. What an exciting time. At that time in my life, almost everyone I loved was still alive. I realize that's a weird thing to think about, but I do. My friends were still around. My grandparents were still around. My body was fantastic. :) ha.

I'm also feeling nostalgic. Every time I'm about to go to Kansas I almost brace myself. "Okay, you know you love it here...but you are doing just fine in New York. This is a great place to visit."

I always want to move back when I'm there. So many of my dear friends are there--in the environment where we became friends. Powerful.

Enjoy the warmth. Embrace your youth. Email an old friend.

God. I just don't get it.

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends lost her father in a freak accident while fishing. She'd lost her brother when she was a teenager.

This is just another example of "what the hell is going on?" in my belief in God. Do I still believe? Yes. It is a different belief than the Christian belief, but I still believe. I just don't understand. I know people doubt all of the time. I know that I'm not the first and won't be the last to think--well, he must be "up there" but can't control a damn thing. How many people do I currently know are struggling in horrible depression, sickness, physical pain, poverty or loss? Many. It's true for the entire world. I know this. Becoming a mom has opened my eyes to seeing a lot more of what others go through. I was pretty damn selfish and self involved before. It seemed as if I was sad for people, but now I just feel overwhelmed by what they are going through. I wish I could help in some way. I wish I could pay the bills of my friends that are struggling. I wish I could nurse friends back to health. I wish I could just be there to hold the hands of people who are in pain.

I have close friends who are atheist. I understand where they are coming from. Jason is almost there. I think he's agnostic at this point. I used to be agnostic. I don't know why I'm not now. There is just something in me--faith?

We are not church goers. In fact, going to church freaks me out and I never feel comfortable there. I never really have. It doesn't bother me that other people go, I just don't want to. If the girls want to go--I will go with them. We will eventually take them to different kinds of churches so they can see what it is all about. We won't be raising Godless children...but I won't be pushing them into a particular faith either. I want them to believe in God. I think it could be comforting to them. Yet, when awful things happen...as they often do daily, you just continue to think--WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING???

My life is good. I have lost loved ones, yes. But, I am healthy, the girls are healthy, we are doing well. I just feel like people keep falling around me and I need to do something. Cursing God isn't going to do anything. I do feel as if the people that die are there waiting for me. That's how I get through a lot of things. I literally picture loved ones and friends all sitting around talking, playing cards, eating...just smiling and will be there to welcome me to the party. This is a simple vision, but I don't care. I feel like friends will introduce themselves to my grandparents and they will tell fun stories. It gives me comfort.

I lean away from The Bible or strict religious teachings--they seem to separate people and judge them. They seem to do a lot of harm at times. People cling to them to almost hate other people. (not everyone, but enough) I believe Jesus was kind to everyone. At least that's my recollection. He didn't say, "now look in this book--it says you're not doing it right." I don't know. I just want to treat others the way I'd want to be treated--I think he said that, too.

I can't make sense of anything. I don't understand anything. I will just continue to be as kind to people as I can. I will continue to do better in how I treat people. I will try to enjoy each day for what it is. I will try to comfort the best way I can.

my dream self.

I did work out today....then I came to see my mom sent me my girls cout cookies. damn. i love those cookies. i'm always dieting during girl scout cookie time. spring time hits and you just want to shed all of your extra clothes and weight. my muscles are sore, though I could have worked out harder. I'm not a real crazy work out girl. never have been. i go, i do what i need to do, i sweat, i go home. i can't do trainers. i can't do classes. i wish i could.

i'd love to do a yoga class. those people look really at peace, don't they?

my dream self would do yoga and meditate. she'd read a book a week. she'd be 10-12 lbs less than I am now. She'd be writing something...a book, play, poem. She'd have overseas travel plans booked. She'd write a letter a week and mail it. She'd always be smiling and positive. She'd laugh constantly, daily. She'd just be better.

i could always try...

Are you there God? It's me...

Today is filled with so may emotions coming from all different directions. I feel sadness, frustration and helplessness. Horrible sadness for a friend going through a horribly difficult time. Frustration in dealing with the gay marriage situation in America. The lack of empathy makes me ill. Religion almost makes some so un"christian" at times. I don't practice Christianity. I haven't read the Bible. But, I studied it as a child and what I got from it was how kind Jesus was. This isn't what I'm seeing. I feel helpless in so many situations. At times, I just want to wrap people up my arms and make their pain go away.

As I grow older. As I have more experience as a parent.  I see things in a completely different way. I try my best to see both sides of things. I do. It is hard for me. I'm much better at it than I used to be. I think probably because I have friends with all types of beliefs. That helps. It's helped me to be surrounded by such different minded people. Good people.

At times, I feel like I did back when I was "depressed." I felt the world it seemed. It doesn't quite feel that way...I feel more pains for people than I used to. I felt more pain about myself then.

It is hard to understand how the universe (God) works during such hard times. I know this has been said for years, but it just is. I don't get it.

You never know.

http://goteamgray.com/updates/

The above link is an update page for a friend of a friend who is very ill. He has cancer. Jason and I read through all of the updates last night. I can't believe all he's been through. We can't stop thinking about him. He's felt more pain than I can imagine. Cancer is such an awful illness. I've seen a friend suffering from it--it took her from being the most tough, fun loving, faith filled person I knew to wanting it all to be over.

Will is a talented musician, director, producer, etc. I was introduced to him by my friend, Reva. She and I went to High School together. They were playing a show in D.C. and Jason and I went to see them. This was probably 4 years ago. The performance took us by surprise. We'd never heard of Will Gray. We loved the show. Even though we came for Reva, we left fans of both. Here is a film of them singing together:

http://youtu.be/LqoROX6lZm4

Here is the documentary Will directed last year...Reva is in it as well.

http://youtu.be/ipuY2e6kU7Q

As far as I can tell, he thought he had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away. He ended up having a tumor in his sinus. When Harper was born, Oct 20th, Will was preparing for a screening of Broke* in Kansas City. Life was good. He was promoting and touring. She just turned 5 months and in that time, his life has turned completely upside down.

Below is the last update written by Will--it is very difficult to read.
Things since this post have gone up and down...
I'm not sure what will happen. I know currently things aren't great.
I can't stop thinking about him..or his wife, Angie.
If you pray, please pray for them.
If you don't, please send positive thoughts their way.
They aren't the only ones struggling, they are just an example of so many...

The Cost of Clean Margins. (A Note From Will)

Posted by GoTeamGray on Dec 18, 2012 in Updates | 12 Comments

I’m so thankful for the many that have come alongside me; my family, and my friends that have become family in this journey.  Our hearts are warmed with each prayer, encouraging note, car ride, gift, donation, meal, and well wish.

The early days and nights leading to surgery were long.  I was in the most physical pain I have ever felt to date, and the emotional toll of varying diagnosis was enough to put me under. But we all prayed and we fought together.

Then we had a clear diagnosis and surgical treatment plan laid out.  It eased my mind.  I remember smiling on the drive home the afternoon the surgeon told us that I definitively had cancer, and the potential cost of getting clean margins through surgery.  We did not know exactly where we where going, but we knew where we were.

The pain got worse, and I found reservoirs of strength I never knew I had.  My face was tearing apart, and my eye was pushing out of its socket.  My jaw wrenched with pain that made it hard to speak.  This tumor was trying to kill me, and I felt it chasing after my life.  I was scared.  I felt more fear than I had ever known.

The days grew longer waiting for surgery and the thoughts of the tumor reaching the optic nerve in my eye, thus rendering my cancer inoperable, raced in my head.

We checked into the hospital a couple days early, because my eye had bulged so far out the socket it would not close.  The pain was… painful, but moreover it didn’t feel safe or fair to be home anymore.  I wanted to go in so that Angie would not carry the burden of care alone.

The surgery date came.  I don’t remember it or the day after. Most of it is completely wiped from my memory as if it never happened.

I woke up on the Thursday after surgery, and felt a new pain. like someone was roasting my thigh with a blowtorch.

My throat was sore.  I couldn’t breathe.  Too many people were talking. I tried to talk, but no one could understand what I was saying.

The blowtorch pain was the skin graft on my thigh, which is about the size of 5 iphones lined up side by side.  The treatment of the graft was a heat lamp to further roast the skin and dry it out.

I cried.

The following nights in the hospital brought more pain, fear, bleeding, vomiting, choking, hallucinating, and night terrors.  Those nights were also mixed with seeing some of the people I love most in this world.  So there was laughter, and progress, and first steps, and everyone telling me how great I looked.

I was afraid to look in the mirror.  I also couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t look at myself until the Sunday after surgery.

On Monday, I stood in front of the mirror.  I was swollen.

I looked under the eye patch.  I was a monster.

Back to bed.

Wednesday they sent us home, and the doctors said that my margins were clean.  The surgical  mission accomplished, and we were happy. Our friends rejoiced.

But the cost…

The cost of clean margins: they cut out my upper right jaw and all of those corresponding teeth.

They took my right sino-nasal cavity.

They cut out my right eye & surrounding area on my face.

A small price to pay for life.  Part one completed.

Now on to part two of radiation, and possibly chemo.

Then on to part three of more reconstructive and plastic surgery to put my face back together.

Then part four of speech pathology and occupational therapy to learn how to swallow and speak again.

Meanwhile, we follow up with counseling. physical therapy and monitoring the blood clot in my lung, and hoping I don’t develop another.

We also pray  the cancer doesn’t return.

Many many days ahead of us will be hard.

Angie and I will walk through this one step at a time.
We are fighting and we hope you will continue to fight with us.

Thanks!

brain rot

I'm starting to wonder if more interesting people don't have cable. Think that could be the case? Or, they may have cable, but don't watch it.

I think TV sucks my brain away. It keeps me from being productive and from creating something. I use it to numb. I use it to relax and escape. I use it too much to retreat into another world. I'm not sure I'm growing. My mind isn't being challenged.


I think I'd like to learn something new. An instrument? Maybe. I'm thinking on this. I need to find my gift. Everyone has one.  I believe that. Whatever it is, I'm not using it.

kicking it

I'm beating the winter blues by cleaning and creating music mixes on 8Tracks.com. (Mountainbird is me!) It's the small things.
Jason is working. of course.
I'm just trying to make sense of the messes in here. Why is this my main concern? It's annoying. I can see the bright blue through the clouds. There is hope. It's 40 degrees. Give me 30 more degrees!! I need them.

Soon enough.

missing you.

Another day when I wish I was I traveling across the desert on my camel and taking in the world. maybe i'm on a mission. maybe i'm just on vacation. i've always wanted to take a soul seeking vacation alone. is that odd? i need some type of mind/soul altering experience. i need to grow. my mind is slowly growing a little dim lately. it's the weather. it's the lack of intellectual conversation. it's the feeling that i'm not growing anymore.

i got acupuncture today. i love it. i could go every day. right now, it's just weekly. did you know they have pressure points for emotions? if you are feeling emotionally clogged...it can help open you up! i'm trying it. so far, nothing.

i need a night out with my closest friends. i need to hear their thoughts and to laugh with them. i miss them. some, more than others--due to the fact that i haven't seen them in so long. jeremy, that means you.

i feel disconnected from so many. i've always been made of my friends. i love my little family, yes--but i need my friends, too.

think of me! i'm thinking of you.

Finally!!!!

Today is a BIG day in our house. Last night, Harper slept in her own room--for 12 hours! It was glorious. No wake ups! And then...this morning...Z finally pooped in the potty for the first time. I know...you can't believe it. This is the excitement of my life right now. :) One day, I will be able to get excited about a new restaurant or book, but for now, this is it. All night sleeping and potty training. My god.

Have I mentioned how damn cold it is still??!! I am sluggish and frustrated. I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I need to go today. I'm an every day person, normally. If I stop the flow, it's hard to start up again. I'm sitting here drinking my green tea and waiting to lose the last 8 lbs. I would love to lose 10-12, but that's probably not going to happen. My body changed. It holds on to things more than it used to. I keep expecting it to look like it did in my 20s and it isn't. Growing older is such a strange thing. My body aches, it holds on to fat and I'm exhausted. However, my brain still thinks it is 18. ???

My 20th High School reunion is this summer. I can't believe it. I don't feel like it's been that long. Though, there have been so many changes. I'm looking forward to seeing people. My class is so small, it is different than the BIG HS reunions of most. I graduated with 23 people. I know everyone in the town practically--or did at one time. Now the HS is full of punks and kids with no school spirit. That sucks.

Maybe I should do some stretches. I need to pull myself out of this fog. I see that April 1st will be 47 degrees. That's what I have to look forward to. Where the hell is the global warming??!

winter blahs.

We had more snow last night. I'm so over it. It is melting now. I'm ready to sit out in the sun!

I started a new diet to see if it has any effect on my joint pain. I've been diagnosed with "Chronic Pain." wha??? I tested positive for ANA- Antinuclear Antibodies. It's in my hands, feet, wrists, knees, ankles and shoulders. This morning my right hand felt like I had an oven mitt on. I can't get into the specialist until May. I started back to the gym. It feels good to get back there. I've been 3 times already. Each time I do a bit more.

I'm listening to Jane Fonda's book, Prime Time. I started it a while ago and am now trying to finish it.  It's technically for older folks, I suppose--but I think reading it now has been great. You need to know these things now. I love it. It definitely gets you thinking about your life and how you react to the hurts of the past and how to make a better future for yourself.

I think it is official. I have S.A.D. I can't have gray skies too much longer. Seriously. The cold keeps us from playing outside. The gray is keeping us from Vit D. The trees look naked and cold. It makes me just want to soak in a warm bath. with candles. and lots of bubbles.

It's almost noon and I'm still in my pj's. probably should do something about that.

just looked outside to see it's raining. unreal.

no, more is needed.

it's been a bit. my mother in law was here for a week. it was...a trying time. she is negative and followed me around constantly. she is not well. z was well ready for her to go. lots of loud conversations about ridiculous topics. it wore me out. it wore jason out. the house is now quiet again.

harper is teething. this means no sleep for anyone over the weekend. last night she finally got some rest. it was heavenly. poor little thing. she hasn't been her sweet self. her mouth in in pain. she smiles through most of it. she's quite the optimist.

z gets bigger and brighter every day. she is funny. she is smart. she is clever. i really enjoy her.

march is getting to me. the weather is wearing on my sunny side. the clouds need to part. i am a little blue.

on a cool note. at the top of last week i saw an old friend after 13 years. it was great. i felt nervous at first...and then it was as if we didn't miss a beat. we talked for 6 hours. i'd missed her. i found it interesting how life had treated both of us. she has had her fair share of tragedy. i sat and listened to her stories and cried. life is hard on all of us. it is unfair. it is confusing. it is hard for me to hear how hurt people get. i wish i lived nearer to her. she needs a constant friend to be there. i guess we all do. i'd been a constant at one point...i guess that's why i feel so far away.

i could use a friend today. i could use someone to listen. i could use a hug. i could use some guidance. not to be horribly jaded..but i saw someone's post on FB, "Love is all you need." sadly...it isn't. "love" is tricky. there are many types. it doesn't overcome every obstacle. i wish it did.

I love you, please go.

I think I made the decision today to travel alone with the girls to Kansas in May. The thought almost paralyzes me. I'm worried Z will throw a tantrum and I won't know what to do. I'm worried about the amount of baggage, car seats, baby crap I will have and be able to hold on to both girls. I can do it, right? Other moms do. Other moms have more kids, too. I'd like a leash and muzzle for Z and lots of Xanax for myself. (just kidding. sort of.)

Today I woke up exhausted and it stayed with me all day. My stress is back in my hands and feet. Today I was a bit of a wimp...but I did get out and do errands--even went grocery shopping with Harper. I MADE myself get out of the house...thinking that if Jason weren't here working, I might have just sunk into the couch today and never gotten out of my pj's. This damn cloudy weather is getting to me. I need some warm weather asap. I love the winter, I do. But, now it must go.

My friends with SAD: we really need to buy lamps for our homes. What are we waiting for??

girls can do anything.

Today I built Z's art easel. (all by myself, thank you!) I told Z, "We can do this all by ourselves, we don't need Daddy to help. Why is that?" She would say, "Because girls can do anything!!" Yes. We can. A little lesson on not waiting for someone else to do it--do it yourself! (I think I needed this lesson today.) I'm horrible at directions, but I did it somehow. Very cool.

It is 41 degrees. Z is now coloring on her easel and Harper is asleep with Jason downstairs. He didn't get any sleep last night. ??? He has the same sleeping habits that he had in his teens. He can't continue to treat his body this way. It's annoying to me, but he also does NOT like being told what to do. I've stopped commenting on it. There is no use. I can't understand how anyone can even function like that. I am a sleep person. I thrive on it. I enjoy it. I have to have it to be a good person. Girls, don't marry a horrible sleeper...you'll sleep alone a lot. (However, he is a good person...and if he wasn't so kind and funny, I probably wouldn't have.) I'm a "touch" person. I need touch and cuddling and all that stuff. At this point in our lives, my girls are my cuddlers.

This time of life (I will say it again) is hard. Everyone is tired. Everyone is stressed. At times we yell. At times we are overwhelmed. At times we feel we are doing the worst parenting ever. But, it's all going to be okay. It will.

obsessing again

I obsess over things. Always have. I obsess about the girls. I wonder how their childhoods will be. I wonder how I'm doing as a mom. I almost wish they could fill out an assessment. I'd like to know where I could improve. You never know...the things I think I'm doing fine, Z could be thinking something completely different. I obsess over their happiness. I obsess over their surroundings. Is it fun enough? Is it clean enough? Is it creative enough? Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Am I only this way because I stay at home? My mom thinks so. She thinks if I had a "job outside the home" I wouldn't worry about this as much. Maybe. But that's not my life right now. I just want to make sure Z knows she is loved...but not over spoil her. I want H to feel just as special as the "first baby." I see the short falls of my parents, but I love them. I struggled so much as a teen and as a young person. Was that their fault? Oh...some, but maybe just because I lacked "tough love" on both fronts. When one parent is tough and the other isn't...you tend to think that the tough love parent is just being an asshole. And, when they are divorced, it's even worse. I had different ideas on each side. Different ways of thinking about things. Each side had its own way of looking at things...and how to do things. I feel as if I second guessed everything I did. Is this the right way? Is this?

As I started getting older, I just polled my friends. I asked them their opinion on almost every move I made. (I feel this got very old to them.) As a child, I looked constantly to my parents to see if I was doing it all right. Now, I feel the same way. Am I doing this right??!!

I need to get over this. I'm suppose to exude confidence, right? (ha!) The girls have to feel as if I know what I'm talking about. Does anyone know what they're talking about?

visiting

Dustin and Ryan have been here since last Friday. I think they are getting a taste of what it is like to have to small children. They are doing well with it so far. They are loving Harper. Sweet baby. She is all smiles for them. Z is a crazy girl. She is fun though...until she gets tired. We went to the Museum of Play and to Bounce It Out. She is relaxing on the couch now. I'm hoping she is asleep soon. No nap means VERY cranky girl!

It's been a very relaxed time. They are getting married in December, so we've been discussing wedding plans. I'm D's "best person." It will be my 12th wedding! Goodness! I have another in November, too. It will be nice not to be pg this time. Find a pregnancy wedding dress last summer was not fun.

Jason has been super busy, so he's been a little out of the mix. He's exhausted. It sucks. He even slept through the Oscars! I think the show was fine. Seth was Seth. He's more GG material than the Oscars. I think Jimmy Fallon could do a great job. I agreed with the picks this year. Argo beating Lincoln was a little bit of a surprise, but I loved it. I haven't seen Lincoln yet.

It's been interesting talk wedding plans with Dustin. He's going to a "gay wedding show" in Chicago soon. It's a place to look over venues that are "gay friendly." I find it sickening that they  have to think about things like that. The fact that they have to go out of their way to find people that will work with them. It is JUST LIKE being black in the 50s and 60s. The ignorance of America really makes me sad. Zoe and Harper will not grow up knowing any different. They will know that love is love and everyone deserves to be happy.

Nothing going on....sorry.

Sorry, I've been absent. No good reason, really...just distracted.

Kansas is under snow. My family is having snow days. 17 inches is somewhat normal here, but not there.

Today, Dustin and Ryan are flying in from Chicago. They should be here within the hour. They are staying for 8 days. I'm thrilled for the company. The Oscars are this weekend. I should post my guesses. I'll do that.

Harper is sleeping in the swing next to me. Z is at Doodles. I'm listening to a vacuum downstairs. We are paying for a DEEP cleaning of the house. Yes...we are. I know, it's ridiculous. I just couldn't keep up with it and was so sick of it being so grungy. It's only a one time thing. With people coming in and all of the sickness about...I just wanted it to be done. It's a gift from Jason really. Some might find that odd...I love it. Happy Valentine's to me. But I realize that I  never hear the vacuum unless I'm running it. Weird. Harper is completely unaffected.

There really isn't anything to report. I've been up and down in my moods. At times, out right BITCHY. I'm wondering if it's Mirena?? Anyone have that issue? I feel extremely hormonal. I cry, I'm annoyed, I'm just irritated a lot. Poor Zoë gets the brunt of it at times. Mom of the year...I am not. Thank God someone else takes care of her some days. It gives us space and I get myself into check. I told her she needed to start saying, "Mom, don't be so cranky!!" I almost need a little kick in the ass at times.

You know what I need??

SLEEP.

All moms need that I think.

this just cracks me up.

I'm going to totally try to do one...

Some things people do make me happy. I love seeing people having harmless fun.

Hello, I love you.

Happy Fat Tuesday. I've never really celebrated Mardi Gras. If you live in Chicago during that time...and if you are in your 20s..you've sort of celebrated it because you celebrate everything at a bar. (And I had VERY social friends.) But today, it's just another day of momville. We made Valentine cupcakes. I bathed both girls. I cleaned Z's room. I put on make up. I feel that just doing that is an accomplishment some days.

Yesterday was a blur. I was horribly tired from the weekend...thus, emotional anyway. I got a call that my grandpa died. He was technically my "step" grandpa, but that doesn't matter. He was a very kind, happy and sweet man. He never treated me any differently than his other grandchildren. I am sad to never see him again...and his smile, but am relieved that he is no longer suffering. He lived a very full life and created a great family. That's really all you can ask for.

We have date night on Friday. Haven't decided what movie to go to. It will either be Identity Thief or Side Effects.  I'm leaning toward the latter. Quality over laughter might just win out. (though who couldn't use a good laugh.)

There's nothing like losing someone to make you think about your own mortality. I think about what I've left behind. Did I do my best to make people feel special? Did I reach out as much as I could have? At this time of my life...I don't call people as often as I think of them. I miss the endless time I had to just sit and talk with my friends--in person or on the phone. I miss that connection. The best we can do is do it when we can. I would hope everyone would know how much I love them. I would hope my children would be proud of who their mother was. I'd hope J would know how much I love him. Thing is, you won't know...so I guess if I have any doubt about any of that...I should do something about that.

Better today.

Today is better. Thank God. Yesterday, I was a total grouch...who felt sorry for herself. Today, I feel much better. I was accomplished. I was dressed by 9AM and cleaned up the house...and did the laundry...and made my daughter a balanced lunch...made a fort in the living room...and ate half a can of BBQ Pringles. Yes I did. I'm not going to eat dinner. Maybe that will off set it?

Now that 30 Rock is over, I can now start watching it on Netflix. I seem to watch reruns of old shows instead of watching them when they are actually on the network. (Except for Downton Abbey.)

I watched a couple movies in the past few days: The Sessions (Helen Hunt). It's about a woman who gives sex therapy to a physically disable man. It was very good. Sweet. I wasn't sure I'd like it...but I really did. Hunt did a great job.

Fair Haven. Uhhh...this is an indie flick. It reminded me so much of SJ (if it was located by water) and high school reunions...ugh. Good writing. Decent acting. Wouldn't watch it again.

Harper is having a growth spurt and has slept the day away. Why couldn't she do that yesterday? Jason is out all day traveling. Tomorrow we are suppose to get over a foot of snow. We will see. The last time that was forecasted, we got a dusting.

Z told me today she wants me to have another baby. She doesn't want Harper to grow up. She loves babies. I told her I'd think about it.

suck it up.

I've had an off day. I woke up horribly cranky. That's no way to start off. At times...we can just let things build and build and then, BAM..."oh, yeah, that upsets me." Well, it came in the middle of the night. Then it carried on with me to today. Sometimes talking helps these feelings. Other times, it doesn't. (Esp if it is something that has been talked to death.) So, as life treads on, so do we. I think I'm coming to accept that there are just things that upset us and we can't do anything about it. Being miserable about it is annoying to others and doesn't make for good wrinkles later on.

Oh well, I say. Move on.

As I sit here, my step mom is getting ready to say goodbye to her father. I can't imagine that feeling. I've had people close to me die, but I didn't know exactly when it would be.

As I sit here, my friend, Becky is recovering from surgery. She is in pain, nauseous and annoyed with it all.

As I sit here, I have a dear friend suffering in a strange marriage and none of us know what to do for her. We just have to see if they make it through.

As I sit here, many are dealing with a hell of a lot more than I am. Guess I know what to do...

38

Well, the birthday weekend was a success. Jason and I went out for a nice long dinner and then went to Barnes and Noble. After having a martini, I was pretty much done. Sad, isn't it? We were home before 10. The kids were both asleep and didn't wake up. It was great. J got me a nice warm jacket and a great card. It was so great to get out of the house. Z didn't appreciate the babysitter move, so she put herself to bed directly after she left. She is sometimes a bit anti social. Geesh. Harper was a doll...smiled and then fell asleep after a bottle.

Earlier in the day, I'd gone to the mall for an eye exam and stopped into Anthropology just to look. They had a sale where I found a FABULOUS dress that was originally close to $100 and I got it for $29! I got that and a coat (for over 50% off...or I wouldn't have been able to afford it) and wore it out on my night on the town! I will say that the dress was a magic dress (well, I also wore spanx) and made me feel fantastic. I almost looked pre-baby! Here it is below. Cool, isn't it??

Anyway, yesterday was Super Bowl--Beyonce concert day. We were laid back for most of the day. J got us wings and mozz sticks (really healthy) and we chowed down while trying to get Harper to sleep. It was a nice family night. Again, by the time it was over, we were both exhausted and fell asleep almost instantly.

Maybe this is why some have children before 30?? We feel like old people!

Old feeling or not, 38 is going to be a good year. I'm just going to believe that. I know there are some tough times ahead...I can see them...but I'm choosing not to deal with them until they are here. I'm going to try and be a better version of myself. (I keep trying year after year) Maybe I can get closer to the person I want to be.

happy birthday to me.

It's Friday. There's a beautiful, wintery scene outside. Harper is sleeping peacefully downstairs. Z is at school. Jason is on the road. I'm cleaning and listening to music. The stark trees make me feel a little lonely, but no too bad. My birthday is tomorrow. 38. Unreal. I'm happy with my place in the world. I'm happy with the family I helped create. I'm happy with the friends that surround me--one way or another. I've had a rich life thus far. I'm a sponge. I feel music. I feel movies. I feel words on a page. I'm often brought to tears out of happiness as well as sadness. I'm still in love with my husband. I think he's hot. I think my children are beautiful.

I get tired sometimes. I get lonely. I get reflective. But, all in all...life is going as well as I could hope. I hope one day the things I don't understand will become understood. I hope I will see past loved ones again. I hope I get to travel more as I grow older. I hope I get to spend more time with friends who are far away. I miss them.

one should never miss a nap

Mom left yesterday and I felt like a little girl lost. I'm better today. Even had dreams last night about waking up feeling so sad that she wasn't here. No matter how old I get, I get so attached to my parents when they are around. Being states away helps me a bit...I'd be too involved otherwise, I feel. I'm like that with most people though. I get addicted to them. I have a hard time separating myself from people close to me. It's a weird thing.

Harper is sleeping right now. I should be too. I am tired, but am refusing to give up the quiet time. Z is at Doodle Bugs. She is really getting the hang of potty training. She's got half of it figured out. The other half may take some time. (The messy half)

I watched the SAGS last night. I think I agree with their picks. Argo was a great movie. I'm still shocked that the Academy didn't nominate Ben Affleck. Oh well. They are strange sometimes.

I went to see Quartet with Mom on Saturday night. We loved it. Charming movie. Beautifully shot. Friday night we saw the play, Next to Normal. That was...interesting. I think I liked it. It was sort of a Rock Opera in a way. Not much talking...just singing. A lot of mental illness and heavy subject matter. Of course, it was dramatic on stage and off. I was sitting next to a person who was REALLY internalizing the material and sobbed mostly through the whole thing. Mom was sitting next to a drunk couple. The woman was blitzed and kept moaning and saying random things through it all. I laughed a bit. Mom was worried the woman was going to pass out in her lap. I'm pretty sure this was a normal thing for the couple. I'm not sure how he even got her out of there.

Today is cold and silent. It's rusty and white outside. I wish I could paint...I'd paint our back yard. It's beautiful in a cold/gloomy way.

Maybe I will try to lie down...seems like a waste if I don't.

It could be because of the playlist I'm listening to...

It's snowing, but not as much as predicted. The 4-8 inches gave way to a dusting. It's still coming down and it is dreadfully cold. I just got done cleaning Z's room. H is sleeping peacefully in the front room. She's been snoring for just over an hour now. She is happiest baby. Z was smiley, but H is always smiling. If she is unhappy...she is ready to sleep, eat or needs her diaper changed. She isn't moody. She smiles at you if you smile at her. She's a very zen girl. And she's just a doll. So easy to deal with. A great sleeper. I am in love with my girls. (feel free to barf now.) Z is a great little conversationalist. She is naturally funny and really thinks about things. She is stubborn, yes...but I get it. She is an observer. H may even be more so. I can't wait for the conversations I have with these girls. I look forward to the movie nights. I look forward to many things.

As I think about all the things I have to be thankful for...I am also constantly reminded of how lucky we are. When I hear of the troubles others are having right now, it angers me. As life rolls on, I seem to understand less and less. Not meaning to take a down turn here, but I do question many things. I don't understand now such wonderful people can have such heartbreak and tragedy. I think about this almost every day.  Of course, looking across the yard reminds me of Bill...and Melissa. Sadly, although I've had a lot experience in losing people...Bill's death really hit me at the right time of my life where I could process it more. Just the complete feeling of something being so unfair. And it continues. My eyes were open wide...and I see it everywhere. If you are reading this in good health...and are relatively healthy with healthy children...you are lucky. You are blessed. Do something for someone else.