Enjoy the Silence

It's a calm Sunday morning. Jason is reading the paper behind me and Z is in her swing asleep. Yesterday was a busy day. I made J work all day to get the house the way I wanted it. We completely moved around each of our rooms upstairs. Now, each room has a totally different feeling. It's definitely more relaxed now. The TV is now out of the kitchen area and it makes for a nice quiet area. We now have a sitting room by the foyer and the TV is nestled in the corner for nice cozy nights. We'd thought about these configurations when we first moved in, but opted to go against how the old owners used their house. We wanted our own stamp. Dustin gave some great suggestions and I ran with them. Thanks Dustin!! I'll post pics when they are completely done. We have some pictures to hang, etc.

My mom comes today for 5 days. It will be nice to have her around and great to have her see Z at this age. She was here when we brought her home and was here for the first month. Z just slept mostly. Now, she is so animated and smiley!!! Adorable. We normally give her a bath in the big tub with her little bathing tub, but last night, I put her in the sink. She won't fit there long, but it was darling.

I can see clearly now

My head hurts this morning. I think my period is coming after her long hiatus. It's raining out. YUCK day. BUT, we are going to completely rearrange the house today. It doesn't flow well and Dustin gave us lots of great ideas. So, I'm putting Jason to work. I always used to rearrange my room as a kid. I love change. Jason hates it. He has always hated it...even as a kid he'd cry when the family got a new car. Not me. Out with the old and in with the new!!! Not sure why I'm like that, but it has helped me in my life. I've live in a few places and had more than a few job and am still around to tell you about it. Course, I was in a medicated fog through most of it. I'll have to post before and after pics.

Dustin was here for the week. It really fed my soul. We had a great time and he spoiled the crap out of Z. She has her summer wardrobe already! I'm cracked up. Here's a pic of us!

On My Own

Some thoughts.

Oscar opening act sucked. It was really flat for me. Why was Doogie the opener??? That's not the deal. Alec and Steve were the hosts...THEY should've opened. It seemed thrown together to me.

Agreed with all of the Oscar winners. YAY! NO JAMES CAMERON!!! Rock on.

The show was boring........
Last year was so entertaining. I was pretty damn disappointed. I didn't see many of the movies, so at least I didn't put a ton of time into it. I have a lot to watch on Netflix.

Everything was so blah...and today I'm tired but Z is needy. She cries with anyone else and I feel as if I'm shackled. I love being needed and loved, but wonder if I wasn't breast feeding if it would be different. She wouldn't take a bottle today. UGH!

It's a quiet day. Dustin and I just vegged. We even took an afternoon nap--not together. He's congested so he just went to bed. SURE! I finally have Z in bed and BOTH Jason and Dustin are asleep. Unreal. Oh, what a lonely thing it is to be a mommy.

i shouldn't be blogging

in this mood. I'm having a day kids. The lonely day. The "what the hell" kind of day. However, the sun is out and I'm really loving that. The sky is a beautiful blue and the cardinal is eating the food on the ground I put out for him. These damn birds are my only friends today. My daughter is starting to grunt. She's waking from her nap. Thank God she napped today. I got in a couple therapy sessions in. One with Becky--Thank you and one with Wendy--thank you. I had one earlier with Kortney--thank you. I NEED MY DAMN GIRLFRIENDS TO LIVE NEXT DOOR!

Today is a day when they need to come knock on the door and take me to see Alice in Wonderland at the IMAX. They hand Z to Jason and say, "We're taking her." We laugh, see the movie, go eat and laugh more. Man, I could use a drink. :)

Instead, I'm going to self medicate by cleaning my kitchen. What a day.

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The Oscar Post

First of all, these are based on practically nothing, I'm sad to say. I've barely seen any of them. It's sad...but for good reason.

Best Actor-
I want Colin Firth but I'm guessing Jeff Bridges, though Jeremy Renner would be a nice curve ball. They did that with Tilda, it could happen.

Best Actress-
I want Meryl Streep but I'm guessing Sandra Bullock for the win.

Best Supporting Actor-
Christoph Waltz must and will win this. He was just fantastic in Inglourious Basterds.

Best Supporting Actress-
Mo'Nique. I haven't seen it, but have seen enough. She looks terrifying to me. She should win.

Best Director-
REALLY hoping for Kathryn Bigalow for The Hurt Locker. It was flawless direction...and if Cameron gets it, I'll puke.

Best Original Screenplay-
The Hurt Locker. I did enjoy Basterds though...

Best Adapted Screenplay--
I'm going with Up In The Air, though I haven't seen it.

Best Pic--
Please let it be The Hurt Locker...nah, it'll be Avatar. Basterds would be a nice curve.

An interesting fact about why they're called Oscar---

Some people say Bette Davis is responsible; according to the story, she named her 1936 award after huer first husband, bandleader Harmon Oscar Nelson. The only trouble with this is that Walt Disney had reputedly referred to his statuette as Oscar two years earlier when he won for the award for best cartoon short. Another story is that was bestowed by Margaret Herrick, who was executive director of the Academy of Motion Picture Art and Sciences from the early 1940s until her retirement in 1971. Ms. Herrick was only a librarian in 1931, when she commented that the statuette reminder her of her Uncle Oscar. (Thanks Entertainment Weekly!)


Here are Roger Ebert's pics:

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Best Actor: Jeff Bridges
Best Actress: Sandra Bullock
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique
Original Screenplay: Still a toss-up between The Hurt Locker and Basterds. Star screenwriter, popular movie, likable guy vs. the WGA and the BAFTA wins, no matter that QT was eligible for a WGA (you have to wonder why he isn’t a member of the WGA in the first place after all of these years. Mark Boal is a member and Quentin Tarantino is not? Whaddup with that?)
Adapted Screenplay: Up in the Air
Art Direction: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar OR The Hurt Locker
Editing: The Hurt Locker
Sound: The Hurt Locker
Sound Editing: Avatar
Costumes: The Young Victoria
Makeup: Star Trek
Documentary: The Cove
Foreign Language: El Secreto (Argentina)
Score: Up
Animated Feature: Up
Visual Effects: Avatar
Song: The Weary Kind
Live Action Short: The Door
Animated Short: Loaf and Death
Doc Short: The Last Truck

INTERESTING!! Awardsdaily.com (I love this site) predicts Basterds as the Best Pic win. That would be swell!!

My Dustin is coming in from Chicago to watch them with me. We usually are together...it's a nice excuse to fly one way or the other. This year I'm uneducated, but it'll still be fun. Can't WAIT!!!

Please come to NYC or Toronto.

James Cameron Sucks.

I taped 60 Minutes last night for Jason, but actually missed the part of the show he wanted to see...I started taping mid show. I just got done watching the half I did tape and there was a story about Kathryn Bigelow- the director of The Hurt Locker. A nice little piece on her...until they had to interview James Cameron- her ex. They were married long ago and now are up against one another for Best Director at the Oscars this year. He won the Golden Globe and said she would win the Oscar--hold up, he did not say, "because she deserves it" he said, "because no one can resist that story when they see her name on the ballot." The story refers to the first woman winning best director. I can't stand James Cameron. I've never liked him. He REALLY bugs me and now, after seeing this (though I'm sure he meant no harm), I am SO irritated. He made her win about the story and not about her merit. He shouldn't have even brought up that she'd be the first woman. He should have said, "She'll win because of the work, the woman thing isn't a factor." Now, on the flip side, I've been irritated with the film's leading man, Jeremy Renner and how he acted on Jimmy Fallon's show. He, however, has redeemed himself to me on Ellen and 60 Minutes. He was almost irritated that they made the story about her being a woman director and said her ovaries had nothing to do with it. He's sort of a Sean Penn-ish kind of guy. Irritated with the world, moody, but so talented it's gross. He can sing. In fact, he can sing and play the piano...and is good at both. I dig that.

Yes, Cameron can make a movie...more importantly, he can make movies that SELL. He's made some HUGE movies...the Alien movies, the Terminator movies, The Abyss, Titanic for heaven's sake--and now Avatar. The guy has tons of money and yes, he's talented but he comes off so damn full of himself. I can't stand to watch him. GO KATHRYN!!! I haven't seen Avatar, but it annoys me for some reason. It's basically Dances with Wolves in outer space. I did see The Hurt Locker. Was it the best movie I've ever seen? No, but it's pretty darn good.

I'm ranting, but I'm done now. Wow, he bugs.

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We Got Some

Much ado about nothing.

Last night we had 3 deer visit. I saw the motion light had come on and looked to see them in the side yard. I spread about 2 big cups of cracked corn out for them. They watched me come out and throw it out for them. Slowly, the walked over and ate for about an hour or so. I stood and watched them in the dark of my living room. It was a nice sight. There used to be four of them that roamed together. I don't know where the other was. Hopefully, just in another yard. Tonight, it is too snowy to put anything out for them. It would be buried too quickly. I worry how they find food in the winter.

I quit the job today. It was sad. Dan was so nice on the phone and really sounded bummed out that I wouldn't be there anymore. He made plans for me to come in next week to say goodbye to everyone and to bring Z in to meet the group. He also wanted to come by the house next weekend for dinner. I was hoping we'd still be friends, so that will be nice. It was hard to leave a place where I enjoyed working...and where I felt happy to be each day. I never dreaded my job. I have in the past for sure. Working with the Indian group was really a great experience for me. I learned a lot about their culture and was really treated well. Now, it'll just be me and J. Most everyone we've met around here has been from my work. I'm not really that worried about it. I feel like I have a lot to look forward to and have had a steady flow of visitors. We're looking at going to Lake Placid for a week in July. I'll research that. I have to have things to look forward to. It will get me through the monotonous days I'm sure to have.

It's late and I'm tired. The snow keeps falling. It's been snowing all day. The flakes are small, so we've only had about 4-5 inches so far from what I can tell. By morning, they say it'll be around a foot. The snow plow keeps pushing the snow up on our lawn. I'm thinking by tomorrow, it'll be the perfect height to make an igloo.

Take this job and shove it.

Today I went in to work. Jason said he could watch Z for a bit, so I decided it would be a good idea to show my face. Before heading there, my boss said to make sure I came by to see him. Immediately I felt that something was off. I asked J how he'd feel if I didn't have a job and he told me he'd be fine with it. He said I was being paranoid.

So, I went in to D's office and he said, "Well, I have a suggestion for you. How would you like to be a business analyst for the DR Team?" (This means that India has finally lowered the boom and told him he can no longer have an assistant.) "India says that I can no longer have an Admin, but we can place you in DR." We talked for a while. He felt badly, I played it off that it was fine and that I completely understood--honestly, I really did. He created the position and I kept it for almost a year. He's been an amazing boss to me as well...I've been lucky. After meeting with the DR Manager...who was very accommodating to my being an at home mommy--I realized it would be a lot of work. Anxiety set in. I came home and discussed it with Jason. He told me that he didn't get anything done because Z screamed the entire time and that if I wanted to work, we'd have to get a nanny or put her into daycare. Shit. So...I'm quitting my job tomorrow. Jason was super supportive of anything I wanted to do, but I think being stressed out about the whole thing when I'm really getting paid squat isn't worth it. I have anxiety tonight thinking about not having a job. Well--a corporate job.

I will be busy still. I will now be fixing dinners...and doing lots of things I didn't have time to do before. I will be freaking out sometimes I'm sure about not talking to anyone during the day. It's official--we are alone out here. I was the only one who was meeting anyone and now...we'll be alone again.

Thank God for Angie's visit and Dustin's visit and my mom's visit--that's 3 weeks of visitors to keep me busy. Then what?

Will I go crazy?

Thoreau(s) of Passion

ok, she is no longer the perfect baby. Yesterday went fine...she slept, smiled,cooed and slept pretty well at night. Today, she is whiny, needy and is driving me nuts. She can't be put down. She wants to sit on my lap as I work. I did let her cry for about 15 minutes before I came and rocked her to sleep. Bad Mommy has been born. Jason won't be home until late tonight. I can't get a damn thing done. I played dress up today in order to make the day more fun. I have camel colored knee socks with a brown skirt and a stretchy thin pink shirt (damn breastfeeding)--and occasionally I've put on my snow boots. I had to refill the bird feeder, take the mail down to the box and then knock off the heavy icicles from our roof. Jason was worried they would take down our gutters. On the way back in, I scooped the walk. Yay me. Z took a 25 min nap to enable me to do this.

She is sleeping now...after being on my lap as I tried to IM my boss back and forth. He wants me to research a free online project time tracker. Most are for individuals that I've found. I need one for a group to share. I think I found one--we'll see if he's impressed or not.

The snow is melting. I can see the deer on the other side of the woods looking for food in the dry patches. I put out some cracked corn in our dry patches, but I'm not sure they'll eat that. The chipmunks will...and the birds. It's so quiet here. I enjoy the birds in the morning. It reminds me of waking up at my grandparents house as a kid. I do miss the sound of the trains in Chicago. We used to live right by the station...and it rattled our windows a bit at night. We felt so "city" and cool. It was sexy then. Everything was sexy then.

Walden is beautiful and serene, but I miss sexy.

life in the woods

My cardinal. I can't get too close to him! We need a zoom lens. He comes to visit every day. Today he brought his wife but she was too shy to be photographed. I find myself looking for him every day--almost as if my day isn't complete unless I've seen him. He doesn't feed at my feeder, I'll have to get a special feeder for him. Z likes him as well. She thinks he comes especially to say hi to her. He probably does. The snow is falling again. It's pretty, but causes all of my bird friends to seek shelter and no one flutters by. The deer come so early that I don't get to see them. I see their tracks by our bedroom door. At times, when I've been shut in here for days, these are my only friends. I'm actually very attached to them. There is a small fox that comes around once in a while. I see his paw prints. I've only seen him one time. I'm hoping he is safe. We don't have many cars, but I worry about him.

I need to plant roses in the spring.

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The Land of Cleves

We had a trip to Cleveland over the weekend. It went splendidly. Z had a minor meltdown right before we left--this is sad, however it enabled her to sleep ALL THE WAY to Cleveland! And! Her diaper was barely wet. (This makes me feel good since I didn't dare wake her to change and no rash happened due to my laziness.)

She met an aunt, an uncle and a great-grandma for the first time! She was stellar. Smiles and coos all around. Whew! Everyone loves her and comments on what a good baby she is. (I'm boasting a bit, sorry) Jason had the new camera. I won't even tell you how many stinking pictures he took. It's frightening. I'll post a few. He's in love. (with his daughter and his new camera) It was a good weekend for us. We talked all the way there and back. We put things into perspective about our life and how good it is. We had to have a bit of a reminder as stresses have been mounting about lots of money and regular life stresses. He left for Pittsburgh this morning for 2 days. Ugh. Z and I will veg out tonight and probably watch Inglorious Bastards. We're trying to get as many Oscar noms in before Dustin gets here. I'm just going to miss some.

Angie and Mike are coming this weekend. Jason and Mike are going skiing while Ang and I stay warm in the house talking and drinking. It's nice to have relationships with girlfriends you've known for so long. Our history is LONG--since we were 5. I always thought she'd be an architect of homes. In grade school she drew my dream home. She also used to do portraits of people in the class. She never took art in high school though. hmmm. I should ask her about that.

Anyway, the day is just beginning. I've of course cleaned the kitchen already and my first load of laundry is in. Z is waking from her swing and I have much work to do in Excel.

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Could really care less.

Today, Zoë and I FINALLY cleaned the downstairs closet. I said I was going to do this the other day and it didn't happen. I've been looking for projects to get done. It burns calories and keeps me from going stir crazy. Day 6 of not leaving the house. Yes, I could, I'm not locked up in here. I have a car and a car seat. However, it's cold and I have no where to go.

I have great before and after pics of the closet I'll post. Ooooh, won't that be exciting!! Yesterday, I actually made a conversation topic about how I'd switched out the sponge in the kitchen sink. This was something I felt the need to discuss with Jason when he was done with work. Hmmm. I could talk about the average of about 3 loads of laundry I do a day. Nahh...boring. How about that I folded all of the blankets again upstairs...or looked at the floor and thought I should vacuum but didn't want to become anal about it. Ha. I do find my mind a bit funny lately. Things that I didn't ever think I would think about...or even discuss are finding to be important--or rather, I have nothing mind blowing to talk about. Z helped me make a summer box of clothes and a box of skinny clothes that I can't wear but refuse to throw out. A girl can dream.

I watched Tiger give his apology today. His eyes were rimmed with tears. He looked right into the camera when he said he was sorry. I sat there and thought, "Wow, I really don't care about you or anything you are saying. Yet, you interrupted The View to tell me and I'm a little ticked about that." I have no feelings about him. I feel for his wife--sort of. I really just don't care. And the fact that I've dedicated a paragraph of my blog talking about how much I don't care should illustrate the point that I have nothing to talk about.

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Today was the best day of my life.

Well, it could be, right? The fact that nothing out of the ordinary happened shouldn't mean a thing. The fact that everyone is safe at home tonight, in good health, fed, quenched and warm is more than many can say. Anyone in Haiti would wish this. Anyone homeless anywhere would wish this. My days are monotonous. I've been in the house for days without leaving. I like my house-but this is getting a little old. I've filled the photo albums, hung pictures, filled out the baby book, re-organized her room and cleaned the kitchen repeatedly. I got to take about a 30 min nap today. This is a good thing. I was able to work a little. I do have a big project that I need to get done by next week for work that I'm a big freaked out about...but oh well.

We're leaving for Cleveland to see more people that love us and that adore Z. Some can't say that. We have cars that are in good working condition. We have the money to pay our bills. We love each other and our daughter. We have good teeth. (I find this very important.)

No, I don't have a damn fun, interesting or crazy thing to write today--but, Jason just fed Z and put her down for a nap...I just had some chili (for the 4th night in a row) and Grey's Anatomy is on tonight. That's a pretty damn good day.

Oh--and new birds came to eat today! I need to catch them at the feeder. I'm working on that picture. Meanwhile, here's a pic of my daughter having amazing tummy time!!!


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Silent Movies

Every morning, we walk over to see Z in her bed. She's been grunting for a little bit...and she looks up at us and gives a HUGE smile. That's my favorite part of the day. She gets up for about an hour...where she smiles and then frowns...and has a wide range of emotions. Then, she's in her swing upstairs listening to Light Classical on cable and sleeps for an hour or two. Quite the life. One I wish I had.

It snowed again. I put more bird feed out. My main goal is the cardinal that I've grown fond of. However, he is a ground feeder, so I'll have to get one. The one we have is hanging off our balcony.

So, I've been having somewhat of a mental block when it comes to my writing. This is due to reading other blogs. Kortney's really. Her life is totally different than mine. She NEVER has a dull moment with her 7 kids. I, on the other hand, have lots of days where nothing happens at all. I was feeling rather boring. Then I realized as I thought how snoozeville a reality tv show would be about my life--that my blog is more like May Sarton's writings. I love her. I find them so nice to read...yet, not a lot goes on. She thinks a lot...and she writes about the nature around her. I guess until Z gets older, my blog won't be very funny. K's blog is fun with lots of goings on...and I need to relish the quiet before all that sets in. My followers are few, if any. My blog doesn't inspire or give great hints about parenting because I'm learning as I go. I'm sort of blah right now...tired maybe. Or, just coasting. One day, I'll have posts that will make people laugh and smile at the crazy things going on...until then...I'm just classical music and snow covered trees swaying outside my windows.

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things that mean nothing

After waking to feed Z, I couldn't get back to sleep. I kept thinking about the little sayings my mom would say that mean nothing at all. very strange.

hark! a pistol shot
a shostle pit
a shistle pot
oh shit, i'm shot.

???

fuzzy wuzzy was a bear
fuzzy wuzzy has no hair
fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy was he.

this is what i was saying in my head over and over last night at 3:30.

I gotta a feelin'

I will admit to blogging today without a thing to say. I've been on auto pilot and haven't really been able to let real thoughts invade my mind lately. Not enough to blog about them. I'll post the link below as something fun to put out into the world. I think it's so damn cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwUokqeP5ZU&feature=related

I don't care how you feel about the Oprah Show...I LOVE this. It makes me so happy. It makes me miss Chicago...but feel proud that I lived there. It was such a growing time for me. Wow. I wish some things had gone differently...that I'd left there on good terms with everyone I'd met...but that was not the case. With some of us, the growing pains are so strong, unfortunately, you hurt people along your road of finding your way. (is that deep or what.) Truly, though...there are people I just wish I could reach out to to say I'm sorry. I'm throwing that out into the universe tonight.

In order to deal with this emotion...at this moment, I'm downing chocolate chips. mmm. Jason is out in the garage working out. This is typical. I have to put balance in our relationship. :)

Z found her fingers. The struggle is on to keep them out of her mouth. She loves them. I told her that it wasn't lady like to suck on her fingers...she told me it wasn't lady like to have a pacifier either. Shoot. She's smart.

I struggle to write anything worthwhile, so I will stop for today. I'm sure something will hit me. Oh, how did I spend Valentine's? We didn't really. We kissed in the morning and said "happy v day." We went out to breakfast to our fave place with his mom and sis. I touched his hand at one point during breakfast to say I love you. I gave him a card I'd bought last year today to say some things I've been meaning to say. It's hard sometimes. It's easy to let moments pass to tell someone you love them when they leave a fork out. I stare at him a lot. I think how handsome he is...how lucky I am...but don't say it. Why? I suppose that's for another blog. But I love him...and even though he drives me nuts...I often think how perfect he is for me.

Roar

I've been watching a new show on BRAVO! Kell on Earth. I love it.

http://www.bravotv.com/kell-on-earth

It's not for everyone, but it's for me. I have a real thing about loving bitches in control. This started with my fascination of Madonna in Truth or Dare. I loved how she was in complete control. I have an obsession with women control freaks--but good ones. I can do without the evil. Flipping Out is also on BRAVO! and I love it, too. He's fabulously bitchy and wonderful to watch.

http://www.bravotv.com/flipping-out

If you haven't seen either of these shows, you should at least check them out one time. I am drawn to certain personalities that scare me. I wish I was more like them. So in control, so kick ass, so funny and bitchy. I'd love to be around them. YET another one is Rachel Zoe.

http://www.bravotv.com/the-rachel-zoe-project

She's not as kick ass as the others, but something about her reminds me of a friend of mine, so I watch it because I miss her so.

I want to be kick ass. I want Z to be a strong woman. I want her not to be a victim. I was a victim for YEARS and it REALLY pisses me off!!!! No more. Jason comments a lot about how different I am from 5 years ago. Sadly, my personality has morphed into a somewhat compulsive cleaner. That's annoying, I know. I was such a slob for so long though...ugh.

I'm out her in NY all alone sometimes. I'm not around women and I lose my edge. Women are strong, fierce and loving creatures. I love being one. I need to find some sort of woman's group similar to the one I found in Cincinnati. They were writers. All older than me. I also love older women...I need them to look up to. I want to learn from them. I love books about women, by women and for women. If you have any suggestions for a good read, let me know.

This is a boring post.

It's Tuesday and I'm feeling much better now. Last week was a low point, but today, I'm wanting to be productive and am going to attack my downstairs closet for the first time since we moved in. Yes, we still have boxes down there. Since October. Nice. However, I couldn't fit into any of those clothes anyway, so who cares! Today, I fit (snugly) into some before pregnancy jeans. YAY! I needed a belt so not to have plumber ass, but other than that, they worked. I'm shallow, but this made me happy.

Button is asleep. She gained 2 lbs over this last month! Breast milk is amazing. She's a shorty though...only in the 17th percentile in length. 21.5 inches. She has to be in the 98th percentile in looks though. :)

I'm tired, but that's a given, right? It's annoying to keep saying it. I get annoyed hearing from other people. I GET IT!! WE ARE FUCKING TIRED!!! I just wrote this and Jason came in to tell me he's going to take a nap. ahhh...I want one too.

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Sunday

Feel a little better. Still tired and no nap seems to quench that. I'm also cold and want to spend the day refilling the tub with warm water. I worked and was productive. I watched a sappy movie with Jen Aniston. I washed my hair.

The winter is too cold. I want snow in the summer. It's pretty, but I become almost immobile with chilly air. I want to sit under an electric blanket, but mine is broken. damn.

My husband is being sweet today and assuring me that the house will be cleaned and not to freak out about it. He seems to be walking on some egg shells which makes me a little sad.

I do have purple sparkly (in a good way) nail polish on. It was expensive polish and I like it. It makes me feel funky again.

I want a henna tattoo.

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Floundering

This is my 3rd post today. I obviously need a therapy session and I'm using this and a call to my little sister as my therapist. Lost it today for the first time. Not a tantrum...just starting bawling while giving Z a bottle. I'm exhausted today and frustrated and lonely. After realizing that I was slowly losing my mind, I put Z in her swing, which she seemed content with and took myself downstairs to a hot bath. I called Mandi (who wasn't around kids...it was fated for me to call her) and vented and cried until I was sane again. When I came upstairs, Z was asleep with a smile on her face, so I felt like I hadn't failed her as a mom by my small postpartum flip out. I've been pretty ok until today. Not sure what happened. Lots of things. Now, of course, I'm spent. I only have one. I keep saying that to myself. Both of my sisters have 3. I don't understand how. I am slowly seeing that I'm fraying a bit. Each day I find it necessary to take a shower and put on real clothes. I feel like I have to do this or I'll be a slob. I have to seem "cute" to Jason...or he'll seem me as a yucky mom type or something. I also feel like I have to have the house be perfect or I'm dirty. (Wow...there ARE some issues here.) This morning, I came upstairs to find a peanut butter knife that J had left out on the counter...my clean counter and I started to cry then too. I'm losing it today. He's traveling today...and he was gone all day yesterday. He's tired and overwhelmed and each of us are going through our own little days of hell. Granted, mine is spent with Miss Magically Wonderful. She smiles at me and trusts me and has to hold on to my finger to go to sleep at times. We sing and we coo and we bond. This is my bright spot. But...I'm exhausted and I know this is normal.

This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal.

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Get over it

I now understand where the resentment comes in...

I'm too close to expand
I'm too tired to worry about it
I'm too irritated with myself to bitch
But it's there.
It starts to prick my side a bit
It's lonely
It's grand
It's amazing
But I'm dark today.

Comfortably Numb

Z is singing behind me being ALL kinds of adorable right now. She's been very patient with me this morning. I had bills to get done and finally write the rest of my thank you's. I got them sent out. YAY FOR ME! Ugh. I have only a couple left.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my heart. It seems as if it isn't as open as it was when I was younger. After being hurt and losing people, can your heart grow back again the same as it was before? More specifically, after losing Carrie, I truly feel as if my heart got scared shut. I constantly worry about losing someone else and I get upset when people don't talk or if I haven't spoken to someone in a while. It wasn't a sudden thing, her death, but it was a shock. I feel sometimes as if my heart can't quite open. Jason has commented on this with me and so has my therapist. I always leave one foot out the door--as my therapist says. I don't quite commit to people. Could this be true? Even with Z, I'm almost afraid to love her as much as I could--this sounds awful, I know. I don't feel as if I have control over it. (I need to call my therapist) I guess I was just worried last night at my somewhat numb feeling lately. I'm not up or down...just flat line. I know I'm happy...I know that things are good and that I love J and Z very much...but I feel as if I can't FEEL anything!! It's so odd. I'm not even down. I want to really laugh or something. This is a strange post. I hate it. I feel as if I miss people so much that I just shut off so that I don't. I don't want to long for people...or to get so freaked out about Z doing anything in the future. I don't want to hide her away from the world because I'm so scared for her. (I feel this is possible) I know she's going to go away...yes, we're talking YEARS down the road, but I don't want to be crippled by it.

What's wrong with me? Is this normal?? Am I just protecting myself from "old Valerie" taking over with her over analyzing, over feeling, over obsessing, overly depressive craziness???

Side note: My gosh, you should hear the noises coming out of this child...I'm freaking out it is so cute. What am I going to do when she starts talking? :)

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Random pics

Above--This is what Jason runs in...at night...in the snow...that probably scares people.


Below is the outfit that Z spit up on right after I got her in it. TOO cute!

damn damn damn damn damn!

Subject line is such a GREAT quote from My Fair Lady. It comes in handy for me quite often. Today, got up at 7, not bad. Z went down for nap around 8. I showered, got ready, got her ready...was REALLY feeling super mom-ish...got her into the car seat, went to heat up the car and BAM, it's dead. We had a 2 month appt. today. I had reschedule...but I was SO looking forward to mommy-Zoë day out! I was going to get Starbucks, I was going to head to Target...and just drive around in the sun with pumpkin. WE NEED OUT OF HERE! We'll get out on Saturday, I know, but it's just the disappointment. Z was really bummed about it. She comforting herself by singing in the swing right now. They need Baby Idol. She rocks out.

I've now reheated my coffee two times. I usually do this about 4-5 times. I can never drink it. Normally, I find it in the microwave.

The redecorating is slow. I'm trying to use things I have already in more creative ways. Think I'll make a collage that represents me at 35. Maybe do a Chicago collage...and a NY one. I'm needing some sort of expression lately. I feel good, just a little brain dead. Work helps, but only sometimes. I get too tired to read, but just keep reading a page or two at a time.

Z was wearing the most adorable outfit and then spit up 2 minutes later. I bet this girl goes through about 4 outfits a day. It's insane. Maybe other mothers don't change them as often? But I hate being cold and wet, so I imagine she does too.

Last night I rocked out. Folded TONS of laundry, put more loads in, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, folded blankets, cleaned up kitchen, put baby down, gathered trash, cleaned out fridge and all in about an hour. I felt very Mary Poppins. Normally, I get 2 of those done as I desperately try to stay on the couch with Z on my lap. But, I need to really get up and get it done more...the sitting around thing is affecting my mental health. Again, how the hell does one have more than one small child?? Bravo to you girls!

Ok, off to look through mags. Z is snooooooozing. Love that about her!



More when it happens.

It just hit me

my house needs some creativity and decor. I'm tired of the blank walls. Is this a manic act??? Maybe, but it must be done. Ready, set, go crazy with DECOR and such...I'm needing an outlet!!!

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it's snowing, big flakes...cold and pretty, like me.

So, the birthday was good. Lots of phone calls, lots of texts and emails. Makes me feel loved. Michael came over. Always an experience. She cooked for us and had lots of stories that were weird...as usual. I like her spark and her true sense of self...she is not a follower. She does talk about herself a lot. I guess I do too, isn't that what this damn blog is all about?

Z is sleeping in her swing. The scene outside is beautiful. The deer visited last night to wish me a happy birthday. nice of them. i was in a good mood yesterday until the evening came upon us...then i was horribly tired and worn out. today, i'm tired and worn out but hopeful. i filled out some of Z's baby book. I'm going to journal. Then I'm going to hold my baby for a long time. I feel guilty when she's in the swing sometimes. Like she needs to have human contact at all times. I feel as if she's lonely and she doesn't know it.

Mandi called last night and made me laugh out loud. Talk about someone who has a good energy about her. She's dealing with horrible sleep deprivation and is still funny. I love her. She told me some damn funny stories about falling asleep during feedings, which I've never done. She was shocked at this. I've never even come close to doing that. Huh. I think, again, it's because I only have one child. Multiples might kill me. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT???? It's amazing to me. My head hurts already...and I only have one head to hurt. I can imagine you folks that have up to 4 kids...that's insane. You probably have many heads hurting. I know have 3 friends with 4 kids. Holy shit. You know who you are....that's just nuts. Good for you. You'll have fantastic holidays later. You'll have The Family Stone holidays. I love that. Big, fun, interesting adult children.

Z may need a sibling. I keep thinking about it. At 35...hmmm. This needs to happen sooner than later. Scary. I wish I had more time. I wish she could be about 3 before we start trying, but I don't think I have that much time. UGH!!!

Keep dreaming about ex boyfriends. What's that about???? I'm happily married...and dream some crazy stuff. Interesting.

Spending the weekend in a hotel with J and Z. He arranged the whole thing. Spa treatments and all. Even laminated a really pretty invitation and agenda. So cute and thoughtful. I wish I had a girlfriend to go with me. I'm already looking forward to heading to the room after to see my hot husband and adorable baby waiting for me with yummo food!! Then, to sleep in a big bed with comfy sheets and pillows and not have to cook. ahhhh.

Baby is stirring. Time to hold her and be in awe.


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I'm Blue...da ba dee, da ba die

The skies are blue...sadly, I am too. I'm not even sure why...I think it's because I'm exhausted today. I feel like crying, no reason. I want my house clean and I'm sick of cleaning it. Well, that's not true, I'm just sick of doing it with interruption. Z is great, but man...I'm tired. This is probably normal, right? At least Jason isn't going to CA tomorrow as he'd planned. The trip was miraculously canceled. Thank God. My birthday is tomorrow. I'm 35. My life is good. All I want is a long, warm nap. A bubble bath and a nap--with an electric blanket. I equate warmth with happiness. The house is cold. I hate the cold. I always hated that my birthday was in the winter months...and now I've passed that on to my daughter. I loved summer bday parties. You can be outside, you can go camping or swimming. Mine were cold.

I'm far away from my family and friends. This is normally fine. But I miss my girlfriends. I miss Dustin.. I miss Jeremy, too. I miss girl time. We're all so busy now with jobs and family, it's hard to find time. Birthday sleep overs...those times I miss. Kortney was just here. We're so family oriented now. This is good...and lonesome. We're silly, but not as silly...not as dangerous...not as spontaneous. We're mommies...and we're tired and we talk about husbands and kids. It's better than bad boyfriends and bad relationships, yes. But I don't feel 35. That's the point of this rambling. I feel so immature and young still. I look at Z and think I'm too young to have her. I feel like a teenage mother. But, I look at my face and I see wrinkles staring at me around my eyes. They are there mostly due to smiling and laughing. I hate the stresses of getting older. Jason and I just talked about this yesterday. How stressed he is...and how different he seems from when we were first together. "I only had me to worry about, now I have a house and a family." This equals a lot of stress. Happiness, yes, but there are SO MANY things to stress about. Money sucks. I just hate it. I hate that we all worry about it.

I miss being 16. I'd just found love and my girlfriends surrounded me and I only had high school to worry about. (I didn't worry too much about it...) I miss high school trips and sport nights and riding around the square with my friends. Life was so thick to me then...I felt so many things for the first time.

I'm now a mommy for the first time. I look at this baby and want her to stay little. Yet, I want her to hurry up and grow so she can talk to me and so we can go on trips together. I want her to love her childhood so much that she writes about it when she's 35. That should be my focus...to make her life thick.

At 35, I've been rich with love and friendship. I married my friend and I plan on looking for ways to de-stress my life. Z doesn't need to be aware of this shit. It's her time. And it's our time...mine and Jason's to have a normal childhood through our daughter.

Happy Birthday to me.

UPDATE: (after taking a small nap)

As I look around my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't even go back to being 16, though I miss certain things about it. College was rough and childhood had it's not so pleasant moments. Now, I have a wonderful little family...and we've carved our own little place here in NY. It took all of those times to get here...and I love looking back with rose tinted glasses. I know those times weren't as glorious as I remember, but I still love the long and winding road that lead me here.

Post Partum Lusting

Well, not that we have anywhere to go, but the snow is pretty...it's blowing though, could be tough to travel in. Z is swinging and cooing currently. Very cute. Our nights have been less than desirable, but not horrible. I'm feeling a little wimpy compared to other moms. Some seem to really do well, or at least better than me with the exhaustion thing. I'm not quite used to it yet. I get headaches and my bones just ache when I don't have enough sleep. Plus, I get a little overly emotional and psycho. I've started having jealousy dreams about Jason. This makes me feel REALLY horrible. I'm thinking it's triggered by Z and his complete adoration of her and our complete lack of having any alone time. I miss him...but enjoy watching him as a dad. I miss being a couple and have been thinking back to the Chicago times. Not that I'd ever not want Z here, just miss her dad...miss us being cute and mushy and sexy. His sexiness has been amplified with the dad thing. My God. Plus, he just always looks good....ok, sorry, I'm a little lonely. He leaves for CA on Monday and so we won't be spending my bday together. That sucks. But, we have the weekend. He is very conscious of the fact he'll be gone and is going to surprise me with a weekend somewhere...hmmm.

I guess it's a good sign that I still lust after my husband...but man, Z needs to sleep through the night!! (Sorry if this is TMI Jen...hehehe)

Guilt

Today is my first day back to work. Z has been quiet for most of the day. What a trooper. I reorganized my office and desk and now I'm all set to work from home. Of course now I just want to take a nap. Z was up 3 times last night and has slept twice already today...and I've missed those opps to sleep myself. J is out until 4 I think. It's actually ok. A lot of the time I get more done when he's not here. (There's no one to cause a mess. HA!)

The doorbell rang. It was the water guy. We haven't been able to find our meter to call in our reading. I felt silly but I looked everywhere. He found it in a cabinet in our closet. WHA?? Strange. The people that owned this house before us were odd. The way they built things...the rooms and the storage...helpful, but random. I love our house, it's very...me. It's choppy--the rooms are oddly sized, but everything is very homey. It's cabin like. It's cold sometimes. Our gas bill is ENORMOUS. I just want to die. We had guests all during the holidays and I didn't want anyone to be cold. Now, we'll be sleeping in boxes on the street due to the high bill. Not really...but man.

Being at home makes you very conscious about how much TV you could watch. I'm trying desperately to regulate it so I don't feel like a sloth. It's too easy to flip it on when she's feeding or napping. Yesterday had no TV until Idol in the evening. Course, I did watch a netflix on the computer. Does that count? Today, I watched The View at noon...ok! so I watched Ellen too. But now it's off!! OK?!!! I got books from Amazon in the mail yesterday. I'm going to read them damnit. DAMN IT!!!! I'm going to be a well read mommy, not a TV head mommy. (This is so difficult for me.)

I'm tired. I want to have someone swaddle me and put me down.

Balancing Act

Stay at home mommy. Hmmm. This is an interesting and wonderful thing. I know my daughter...I know her cries and her smell. I know what she needs most of the time. Sometimes she throws me a curve ball when I am tired. There are things I have to get used to however. I'm tied to her. I am her food...for the most part. We do give her formula in a bottle at times. She's great about having both. I feel like I can't leave the house. That's my problem. I know I can, but I am paranoid about the cold. I don't want her to be out in the car unnecessarily. I don't want her to get a cold or for us to be hit by someone. I'm protecting her too much...but hey...it's winter and she's not even two months yet. I need to relax. I need to understand I'm going to be tired. But I feel like I want to nap a lot during the day and I can't get anything done. I'm used to 9 hours of sleep and now I'm down to about 5 hours a night. (This is a big deal for me) Jason is used to that...but I am not. It's been a challenge--however, not as big as I thought it would be. I thought I'd be out of my mind by now. I' not, I'm just a little claustrophobic at times and get exhaustion headaches. I'm stressed out about controlling my environment. I am someone who has to do certain things to remain healthy. I have to have clean surroundings. Things need to have order. My kitchen must be clean. Jason doesn't really get this about me. I was a bit "crazy" before we got serious...so I don't think he's seen the "wacky valerie" but I am VERY in tune with her and don't want to go back there. I have to have sleep. I have to feel productive and not lazy. Laziness is a big deal. I feel lazy if I watch too much tv. (However, most of the time I'm way too tired to read a book) I feel lazy if there are dishes out or if the bed isn't made. (The bed is made every morning.) I also hate not showering every day. Today is the first day in a long time that I just couldn't get it done. I want to be super mom. But I'm not. My thank you notes aren't done. Her baby book isn't started. Her announcements aren't out!! That's crazy. I feel like I'm just not enough. I need another one of me. Jason is great. But he works. And just because he works from home...I can't take advantage of that. He can't get to things quick enough for me (and my mental health). He can't get to the dishes or the laundry or the vacuuming when I need it. He can only do it when he has time. (This isn't really ever) He has other things that require his time. (Worthy things...yes...but again, this is why I need another me.)

Thank goodness Z is a good baby. She isn't fussy. She is sweet and understanding. She smiles at me a lot and I'm convinced she knows the secrets of the universe that she will forget by the time she can talk. She is wise...I can see it in her eyes. She is beautiful...more and more each day. Her skin is perfect. Her hair is the perfect shade of blonde. Her eyes are blue and bright...and they follow me. She loves her daddy...and I've never seen him so in love. It's been great seeing his heart grow bigger. She couldn't have a better daddy...or be loved more. I love this especially. He will have the love that I felt I didn't have growing up...she will be able to feel his adoration. That is so important.

I have so many things to get used to. But I will in time. In the meantime, it's my own personal race to keep mentally healthy. I'm going on 3 years of balance....and I need to hold on to it.

Blonde bombshell

So, she's here! Zoë (it's a trick to get the umlauts...but you can google it and find out how). She was born on a Saturday...12:32pm after 22 minutes of pushing that felt more like 22 hours. I didn't cuss one time! Actually, it went ok--well, it hurt like hell and threw up a lot, but at least it wasn't hours of pushing. Labor pains started at about 8pm on Friday night. We weren't sure she was coming until around midnight. Even then, when I got to the ER around 2am, I was only 2cm. An hour later (a VERY painful hour), I was at 5cm and we were on our way! Jason was amazing. He was a great coach and crawled in bed with me to help me through the 30 second contractions. I don't know how I would've gotten through it without him really.

When she was out, they immediately put her on my chest, but I was too sick to hold her, so Jason spent the first hour of her life with her...and they've been very bonded ever since. We've all been transformed by her arrival. Her name has been tricky for most. The umlauts are probably annoying, but we love them. Zoë Lorraine Bennington Vidmar is on her birth certificate. The Bennington is just to keep track of my name. Lorraine is from my paternal grandma. I dropped Lorraine when I got married...and made Bennington my middle name. Now Z has it. Love that.

A month has gone by so quickly! We've taken an obscene amount of pics. There were 1000 of her the first week--no exaggeration. She is the most photographed child. Jason seems to hold the camera with him. He constantly snaps shots of her. He even has a website for her.
mountainroad.shutterly.com (password is...rochester)

What a sweetie she is! She's not fussy...yet. She only cries when she's hungry. Breastfeeding is going swell and I'm almost back down to my beginning weight! (YAY breastfeeding!!) It's been a magical time. The fact that she was born right before the holidays was really sweet. It made Christmas that much more wonderful. We've had lots of guests and look forward to more.

She's quite the blonde! That was the #1 most commented thing about her from the very first hour she was alive...her hair. She's so blonde! Gorgeous. Not sure where she got it. I was sure she'd be dark haired after her dad. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've been away forever. This is just to catch up. The next posts (hopefully somewhat daily) will be about the fantastic times and the trials we'll have with little Zo'.

To bring it back to real life...today, we had the exterminator come. We have ants. Sugar ants...and they suck! I think we'll be rid of them soon, but what a pain in the ass to have. We also have icicles from hell all over our house. Need to figure those out before they kill someone!

More to come! Think I'll nap.

Zoë Lorraine Bennington Vidmar 12-5-09

My loves

Ghosts

Today is one of those days when the sunlight hits the earth in a way that reminds me of being in Kansas. It takes me back to different times in my life--like a time machine. I feel feelings I had years ago, much like a song on the radio can inject feelings of first love or times in college. I love when it happens. It's true that I had some of my worst times in college, but I also had some of my best. I met friends that changed my life. Unfortunately, I am not in contact with all of them. In college, I was foolish with others' hearts and didn't understand how delicate friendships can be. I ruined 3 friendships due to my misunderstanding of how hurtful one-sided love can be. I was a shameless flirt and liked to see how far I could push people (men). I've learned so much since then...and now miss the friendships I ruined. I hear songs that remind me of certain people and it's just plain hurtful now. I can't even find these people on Facebook and wonder if they've blocked me. (paranoia)

I met great girlfriends there. I loved the huge campus and the ability to meet women that really shaped my life. I loved my time on the KU campus. It was my first time being on my own--there's really nothing in life like that. It makes you feel so incredibly alive!! Even the painful times were great learning experiences. I wish many things. I wish I'd been more serious about school. I always struggled with that. I put all of my thoughts and time into my social life--and my feelings about people. I was ignorant of the lasting effects of marginal grades. I'm officially the one in my family with the least amount of education. Everyone has their Masters or their JD. I would love to get a Masters but I screwed myself in college. My second semester of my freshman year landed me a 1.9 GPA. Unreal. It basically screwed me for the next 4 years. It's possible for me to still get my Masters but I'll have to retake classes. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done someday.

My mind is all over today. If I stay at home until Zoë is 6...that's 6 years of time when I could be improving myself! We'll see how it goes. Raising a child well is quite the job in itself. I'm looking forward to it. It's a daunting task--and I have freak outs about it. I worry that I will want to shield her too much. I don't want her to be naive...but I don't want her to have the worries I had either. What a paranoid little person I was...such a worry wart!! I would love her to be a balanced teen and young adult instead of how I was--full of anxiety and very self obsessed. Not a good mix.

At least one lesson she can learn from me is that it is possible to make mistakes, hurt people and go through a "dark period" and still find happiness. There is someone out there who will love you...and all of your baggage (or who might have some matching baggage)--and who will bring balance to your life. It is possible that it all can work out--but you have to take the necessary steps and not continue down the spiral. You do eventually have to take responsibility and make the choice to be happy--and not a victim. But wow...it's hard to do.

Monday rambling.

The weekend was somewhat productive. That's always good. Friday night we took it easy...so easy that I can't really remember what we did. I think we watched No Country For Old Men again. (We own it.) Saturday morning we had Infant/Toddler CPR class for 3 hours. It was a good refresher for me--Jason had never learned it before, so it was very useful! Lots of chores to do. Ugh. Jason raked leaves both days. I cleaned and started decorating the house for Christmas. I think he thinks I'm crazy--but he just lets me do it. In a few weeks when the time is right to decorate, I fear I won't have the energy or the movement.

We had a virtual shower on Saturday night. My friend Becky put it together. Lots of people sent cards with good wishes and advice...and recipes!! We got a lot of nice things. The girl is set up for clothes for a bit!! That's good.

The weather was great yesterday, but today...the cold has started to set in. I'm excited for the first snow--if our leaves are done. We have so many trees! The snow will put a nice new look on things. I got a Baby's First Christmas ornament--it's adorable. It has a mommy and daddy snowman holding a baby snowman with 2009 on her little cap. I need to remember if we have another baby to be just as good with the gifts of significance. I was #2 and my baby book isn't even half full whereas Wendy's is bursting at the seams! There is a lot of pressure (that I create) to make things so perfect for her. To make sure she is happy...and uncomplicated and secure. I even talked to Jason last night that we shouldn't burp in front of her. (Being pg has me burping a bit...really attractive) I don't want her to think, "uhh...Mommy's gross!" I also don't want anything stressful around her. (these are BIG wishes...and I see disappointment in my future.)

I need to write things down for her so I remember...things I want for her. I feel that time will get away from me and I will forget.

If you listen closely, you'll hear me growl.

So I went to the doc yesterday because I've been having this breathing issue. I stop when I'm sleeping. They don't know what it is. I got an EKG, everything looked ok. It could be that I'm having panic attacks in my sleep. YIKES. I am very in tune with my anxiety and depression levels and I'm very low on both. I haven't felt down at all really. I feel overwhelmed, but that's normal. I feel uncomfortable...that normal. I am scared of the delivery...I think that's normal as well. My life is good. Husband is one I'd like to keep...so is the house and the cat...and my family--though that can get stressful--again, that's normal. So, what's the deal?? I have no idea and it's annoying. The doctor said she could give me an anti-anxiety...but I want to hold off first. If I felt it during the day that's be one thing. Hmmm. I have a month to go. Maybe all this will help. Then I can start sleeping on my belly again...not have to pee every 20 mins...can get out of these pg clothes!!...and not deal with a child in my belly who has the hiccups constantly. (poor thing)

I'm ready for the little hands and toes...ready to see someone who looks like Jason and Valerie. Ready to see her personality and to see Jason as a daddy. :) Very sweet. (really looking forward to that.) She will most likely be a daddy's girl. That's fine.

12 more days until I start working from home. CAN'T WAIT. People make me cranky and I feel guilty for being a cranky pregnant lady. I'm suppose to be glowing and smiling and sweet. Umm...not so much. I want to tell people who need headsets and more coffee and more envelopes and more office space and meetings in certain conference rooms to suck it.

REALLY sweet.

Still complaining--and still feeling guilty about it.

Well, I'm uncomfortable. :)

Baby is starting her descent. It's not the most comfortable feeling. In fact, it makes me feel as if my crotch is full of lead. Nice, eh?

Today I'm going to a doctor about a breathing issue I've had for years, but that is starting to really bother me. I seem to stop breathing at night. It sounds like sleep apnea, but I don't fit the mold for that. All I know is that I wake up struggling to breath and panic--then my throat starts to close (more panicking) and then I use the inhaler that I just got last week. It seems to work. I'm starting to get nervous about going to sleep! It can happen during naps or during the night. It's scary.

This Saturday Jason and I go to infant/toddler CPR. Next Saturday is the 8 hour birthing class. That should make Jason significantly more nervous than he's starting to be. He's been sick--so we're keeping our distance from each other. That sucks.

Last weekend his sisters threw me a baby shower in Cleveland. I will admit, I was hesitant about it--I'm not so much a shower girl. It was actually a really nice time! Jason and his dad came, so that helped. I also made him sit right next to me so not everyone was staring at me only. (I get stage fright!) Baby got lots of cute stuff!! The games were good (I'm not usually a fan of those either) and the food was yummo! It was very sweet of everyone. My family isn't so much into showers and such--so it was a nice change of pace.

She is REALLY moving around right now...it's such an odd feeling. Her little toes are pressing up against my ribs--cute toes, but more cute when they will be out!!

Totally unrelated side note about TV:
Some new shows are really working for me!! Flash Forward and The Good Wife. I'm really enjoying those shows!!

Autumn on Mountain Rd.

These are pictures from our backyard. Beautiful....

Growing up, Summer was always my favorite season because it meant no school and days at the pool. Now, although I don't like the cold...Fall is definitely my fave. I love Halloween, the colors, pumpkin patches, scarves and Thanksgiving. We got 3 pumpkins...a Jason, Valerie and Zoë pumpkin!! So cute. I should have a pic of that on here, too...let me add it. There. Now it's at the top. Cute, eh?!!

Thanksgiving will just be Jason and me--which we're used to. He wanted to travel to Cleveland...but I put my foot down. "Uhh...I'll be ready to pop...I'm not going to be 4 hours away from my doctor." He quickly agreed. Dustin was going to come in, but now he's coming after Zoë is here. (Yes, we picked her name--and yes, it has umlauts.) So, instead of making an insane dinner, I'm going to research where we can go to get some turkey. We'll still fix some things at home...Jason's fave cranberry recipe that we've made into our own tradition, etc. It will be somewhat lonely, but Christmas should make up for it. I believe my mom and clan will be here. Having a baby around always brings a crowd. I look forward to her arrival. Pregnancy has been...very educational and interesting. Some women LOVE to be pregnant...I've found, I'm not one of them. I can't wait to be a mother, but being slowed down so much by a belly and FATigue isn't as much fun. In my 20s, I would've relished the idea of having to slow down--I was lazy then. Now, it drives me NUTS! There are so many things I need to get done...the house is still not unpacked, etc...I am driven to tears of frustration. I need to relax about it all. I am 33 weeks this week...only 7 more to go!! An early arrival would be welcomed.

Baby Blues

I don't have a good excuse for not writing--fatigue? being uncomfortable? fatigue?? Sorry...it's just that I find myself blanking my mind out. I don't want to think about anything and have been that way for a while. I feel the impending time of thinking/worrying about EVERYTHING and I'm trying to prepare for the madness. The house is great, not unpacked much...but I still come home and lay on the couch anyway. The nursery is finally painted--thanks to my sister!! YAY. I went with a Mary Poppins theme. I love Mary...she's very comforting to me. I grew up with the movie and I love the colors Disney used in the film--the whole movie looks as if it is a painting of blues and greens and pinks. London can be a magical place.

Today, I feel that my belly has grown 2 inches outward. It's heavy and tight...and I didn't sleep at all last night. So, today--with my boss being gone--it is WAY too slow and I'm daydreaming of relaxing on my bed. I'm trying to think of ways to escape. No one would even know I was gone! Or rather, they wouldn't care.

My energy is low and my creative juices are at an all time low. Boring blogs might be worse than no blogs at all. I'm sure I'll be hit by some insightful thoughts that I'll want to share...but for now...I'm marveling at this huge belly and how active this little girl is!! She seems to be sleeping right now of course--sure didn't sleep when I was trying to sleep. Who's team is she on??? If she came early, that would be a blessing. I want my body back and I want to meet her. We can't have very much fun with her in there...

Wednesday is finding me a bit blank...

I've been a bad blogger. Time gets away from me. Settling into the new house has been fun, but very surreal. To walk around a house and know it's yours is an odd feeling. It's so big to us! The first night I didn't sleep well. I kept having visions of someone breaking in. Meryl love it...though she spends all night roaming and discovering new places to get into. She actually climbed a ladder into the loft. I keep wondering if she'd want a little friend...but I'll wait to see if the baby is allergic first.

We're getting the kitchen and office/den painted today. I can't wait to go home and see what it looks like. Jason has impressed me with his sense of color--it was his idea to accent a wall in the kitchen to a gorgeous blue color. He's all about color though, he can't stand white. Hopefully we like the colors...they were picked in a bit of a rush. We ended mixing some colors we felt were too "white"--so now I need to be creative as to how to use them. Man, paint is expensive!

I've become a boring home owner...I can't think of anything to write that would be interesting. I don't feel like ranting about "Birthers" at this point...or venting my frustrations about family--what's the point. I chalk a lot of my irritation up to the pregnancy.

Baby is doing well--I'm suppose to gain up to 11 lbs this month. I have about 80 days to go. I made it to the 3rd trimester...and am ready to meet her already. I have minor freak outs--thinking it's too much and I won't be able to do it...and that I'm scared of how my life is going to change forever. Then, I'll wake up and be ready to see her...and love her and I can't wait. It's odd. I signed J and I up for about 4 different classes at the hospital. Lots of information...he thrives on information. It will be good. We've been focusing on lots of other things and these classes will remind us that a baby is actually coming in December.

Fall has arrived. The trees are starting to get a bit painted, but we have a ways to go. I'm ready for glowing pumpkins and family coming around. I'm ready to decorate the house for each holiday!

I'm also ready for a nap. I will blame my insane lack of creativity on fatigue.

passive aggressive.

A bit of a tangent, sorry. The frustrations of life get to me once in a while--and I'm frustrated. Frustrated with the country and it's pessimism...frustrated with (and in love with) my belly and how it keeps me from getting things done that I NEED TO GET DONE! Frustrated with being constantly worried about family and if people are upset or how they are feeling. We moved out here to get a new start...and to see new things...and for some reason, it has alienated us. We must seem as if we didn't want to be around family--no, although they do stress us out. Frustrated with the God struggle...the religion struggle...the judgemental shit. SO MANY things turn me off, I can't help it. I married someone who I can identify with...and who shares my ways of thinking--WOW that helps! We question the same things, we believe int he same things and we struggle with similar things. We show our struggles differently--that's hard. We are both manic in different ways--that's hard, too. I so want to fight his battles for him. He wants to walk away from them. He's a peace keeper. I'm the "let's DEAL with this!!" But, this is just another way of saying a lot without really saying anything. Damn.

more bitching later...because i'm in that stage right now. bitchy pregnant lady. happy to be pregnant, but man...REALLY raw emotionally!!

Joe Wilson took Project Runway off of Bravo! I'm convinced.

I guess I unintentionally took time off from this. Didn't mean to...just got busy. Got the house...I love it! Also getting bigger--not liking that as much. I like the fact that she is growing and healthy, I don't like the fact that my nights are now spent tossing and turning and popping TUMS.

We have the house, but are not in it yet. We are slowly moving our lives over. It's a new beginning. I'm excited to have our home. I'm excited for us to have our little family. We are a rare breed of couple that agree on practically everything when it comes to decorating and how we want our house to look. I won't say that I have good taste...I will say that his taste matches mine and it seems to be good--or it's at least a good vision. We've also decided on a name for the girl. I'm happy about that, too! It's fun to call her by name. It's nice to have our little corner of the planet. It's beautiful here. It's peaceful. It's quiet, it's balanced and calm...and we are happy. These are all things I've searched for my entire life--esp in my 20s. I quiver at my 20s and the hell I put myself through...and those who dared to love me during that time. I wish I could send out either "thank you" or "I'm sorry" postcards to certain people. I just have to hope they will think of me partially fondly.

(I need to forgive myself for that time period...I talk about it too much.)

The most interesting people to me are those that struggled and rose from it all! I have a bit to go, but I feel much better about it all. Jason is a good reflection of my life. I like him. We have a good understanding of the other's life. We have similar backgrounds...and we have patience with things when the other does not.

I'm just rambling here. If I didn't write about this, I'm afraid I would've gone off about the political views flying in my office today that I'm completely annoyed with...and that would be such a negative blog.

In the meantime, this link is pretty funny!!
http://joewilsonisyourpreexistingcondition.com/