still

My mom flies in tonight. It will be nice to have her here. Christmas is just around the corner. I'm hoping I'm creating the feeling in Z that I had as a child. In less than 10 days, our house will be full of family. We will be playing games and eating...decorating cookies and laughing. I look forward to it. I want to take mental pictures. I know this isn't always how it will be. I know there will be holidays in the future where my heart will ache missing my parents. I will miss the girls as babies. I will miss looking younger. But, hopefully I'll be creating a feeling I can return to during those times. I hope to create good memories for my family.

Jason finished his classes for the semester. He did well. Of course he did. He's exhausted and behind in work, but it is done. Now...we head to Cleveland on Saturday morning when I wish we could just relax at home. I understand why we are going. But...man, do I just wish we could sit still for a minute.

How many times do you just sit still? Not watching tv or reading...but just with nothing. Just with yourself? Just breathing? I think it's something we should do more of.

Who owns a smoke machine??

The weekend was not restful. Jason worked on school work all weekend. He had a project due on Thursday...it is still not done. He's not good with papers. He  never hits his deadlines. He always usually gets an A...but it isn't for promptness. So...we didn't spend any time together and Z is upset that she didn't get to go to the Play Museum.

The day is cloudy and dreary...but I'm fine with it. It fits the mood. The lights can stay on and be seen. I can clean without seeing all the dust that the sunshine brings out. I can listen to jazz music and it seems appropriate.

We are headed to Cleveland this weekend. I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to it. I am not. We haven't had ANY time as a family and now we are off to visit other people. I had a falling out with his mother this week. She felt the need to leave J a long venting voicemail about her disapproval that Z isn't potty trained yet. Jason brought it up to me at dinner on Friday night. It wasn't the best timing--I was furious and fired off an email. I did wait an hour. It wasn't awful. I wasn't disrespectful. I'd just had it. I find her CONSTANT pessimism tiresome. She rarely talks about happy things are sees the good in ANYTHING.

Okay...enough.

My mom comes on Thursday. I AM looking forward to that. Though it isn't his fault...J's been so busy that I've just been on my own in the evenings. It will nice to have someone to watch tv and talk to. He works too hard. It sucks.

My SIL turned me on to a new website...8tracks.com. I love it. Also, I'm addicted to this video right now--Z makes me play it a few times a day. Enjoy. (No, she doesn't hear the curse words in case you were wondering)

Enjoy.

Quick update.
My dad came for a week. It was so nice to have him here. I know it will be a time that I remember. I find myself taking more mental pictures of life as time goes on. It's not just with my parents, but with everyone. You can't take times or people for granted--we lose people all too often too soon. When never know whom or when.

I also got the flu in a major way a couple days ago. Wow. It came out of nowhere and took me out completely. I think I threw up 15 times in 12 hours. I'm now down to pre-baby weight. I can button my pants now.

Harper is doing well. She is quite a sleeper at night. We got lucky. During my barfing spells...she just snoozed away. Zoë turned 3 yesterday. I can't believe it. My little one. She is quite the firecracker! Funny, bull headed and way too smart. Put that together with how pretty she is...we are really in for it.

Our guests keep coming. Mom arrives next week. My sister and fam the week after. Kortney and Jason come in January. Dustin will be here for 10 days and Ryan will be here for half the time. I can't wait! I think it's nice that people want to come see us. Our house does a great job accommodating everyone. It's a great holiday house. The tree us decorated. We got a real one this year. It could be a little taller, but it fills out the room really well. I decorated with only blue and green lights. Blue and Green usually signify J and me. He's been busy with school. Today he takes his final and then finishes a project. After that...I'm really hoping for some time together. It's been a blur for him for the past few months.

Take time out for each other. We really struggle to do that.

Hoping we get a BIG snow fall soon. It would just make the picture that much more perfect.

This is all for something more, right??

I am going to try again to get something done today! I've been dragging. A bit worn out from the nights with Harper, my daily duties aren't getting done. She is swinging now and Z is at Doodle Bugs. Whew! I'm forcing myself to stick to task. This house WILL be decorated today!! All but the tree. We've decided to go get a real one this year. I've never had one here. The fake trees are so much easier. Geesh. We'll see how it goes. I might save that for when my dad comes. He arrives on Wednesday for about 5 days or so. It will be nice to have him. Lynette can't make it because she is with her father. She is caring for him--representing a time in my life that I am not ready for.

My parents are in their 70s. I know that my time is limited with them. I'm not ready. Many of my friends have already lost a parent. I don't know how they dealt with it. I can imagine the feeling of abandonment and feeling lost and alone. Ugh. There is so much life that I have not yet lived. So many hurts and joys that I have to experience. Life is quite the time...it has to lead to something else, right? What is the point of being all the wiser right before you pass away? What were the lessons for? They have to be carried on to somewhere else...at least that's my thinking. I don't know what the place is, but I imagine seeing my loved ones there. Heaven is the best word for it. Jason doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell. He's not sure about God. That I am sure about. We're being watched over. I want to believe that.

The power of twinkle lights

Trying to decorate for the second day. My exhaustion from being up at night is getting in the way. Plus, no one else seems to be as into it as I am. To have someone to decorate with is nice. Makes me miss my sister. Jason is so busy with work and school. Z's focus is divided. When the girls get bigger...this will be a great time. I am chasing a feeling of childhood. I always do. It could even be something I've made up in my mind. I want to create the same feeling in the girls. Having the family here for Thanksgiving was really nice. Waking up to the sound of grandparents...what a great thing. I miss mine dearly. This time of year brings that up as well--missing those who aren't here. It is a happy, yet gut wrenching time.

All I can do is try to make the girls happy. Give them great memories like I have. Fill the time with holiday music, lights and smiles. I want them to understand that this is a time of love. It is a time to feel at peace and to feel safe. It is the best time to be understanding and grateful. It's a time to appreciate all religions and traditions.

I want them to grow up open minded and kind. I want them to be mindful of others. I am trying to do the same.

Now, off to do more decorating...my effort to transform the house into a magical place for the girls to enjoy. Wish me luck.

pretty in pink...

I'm not a "pink" person. I've tried to redirect Z from liking it...but it is a lost cause. She loves it. ugh. I just ordered her birthday cake in pink. (She did say she wanted red and blue birds on it though...whew!)  The family (Jason's) arrives tomorrow. I have 2 easy pies to make and all of the side dishes. Shouldn't be too bad. I will leave the cream pies for Christmas. I am on my 4th day of being sick. That doesn't help my productivity.

I'm listening to holiday music...currently Josh Groban...and it is putting me in the mood.

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. I have MUCH to be thankful for. I'm sure you do as well. If you can't think of many things...have a drink...it should help make them more clear. (Jason is relying on drinking to make it through the holiday.) HA! His "to do" list is long...and the number one item is "pick up wine."

Okay, I'm not one for the grayness. I need green, colors or a blanket of snow. I need natural decoration. The leafless trees are just dragging me down. Thanksgiving is next week and I'm looking forward to the flash of guests--2 days of craziness and then it is quiet again. I will decorate for Christmas on Friday--just to get the damn twinkle lights up before I go nuts. I will drown myself in eggnog and listen to holiday music until my ears bleed.

F  U baby blues...I can handle it!

Fatigue, hormones or SAD??

My little sister was here over the weekend. I love having people visit. But the feeling my heart feels when they leave...I could do without. It is a familiar feeling. It seems like it ages you. Or, maybe it just exercises the muscle. Ups and downs...being excited...feeling loss. Do you ever feel like you question yourself as to why you act a certain way? Do we force ourselves in certain directions? Do we go to extremes to save ourselves...from ourselves? I constantly question why I don't live in Kansas when so many I love live there. Why live clear out here where I really don't know many at all. Most of my support network is in one place. I think it is sad that I distance myself from a time of life instead of realizing that I can grow and be who I am now without worrying about becoming "that person" again. I feel good here in NY. My babies were born here...Jason and I are a little unit and we are away from some of the toxic relationships in our lives. Maybe this is just how it is...the feeling of missing people. Maybe I should just be happy that people want to visit. I should focus on the time spent instead of time lost.

Maybe it's just the weather turning gray. Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder. Christmas lights are coming...the girls are beautiful and happy...

I'm just exhausted today and I  miss people.

I can just hope for more visitors.

bye, bye love.

It's Sunday. Mom left this morning. I was close to tears all morning. Not only will I miss her, but her leaving signifies that this "birth experience" is over. Sounds silly. Harper wasn't here...and then she was. It was a life altering event that won't be repeated and I'm just mourning it a bit. Bringing a baby home is just a special thing--magical almost.

Today I just want to sit in a hot bubble bath and be alone. It's probably due to just being a little down. I tend to retreat into myself. I self medicate by becoming unsocial. Stupid really.

Z has an eye infection and her eyes are seeping constantly. Great. Harper is snoring next to me. (She has small nasal passages and snores a lot--the doc says they will continue to get bigger as she does and her snores will be a thing of the past.) I should tape them to play for her first boyfriend.

Mandi comes on Thursday to save me from myself. I can't wait. She's never visited me where I've lived. It will be nice for her to see New York. 2 weeks earlier she would've seen some gorgeousness...now the trees are dead except a few. The snow needs to blanket it outside so we have more to look at.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's time to get back to reading books and blogging. I need to form another schedule for myself. I need to lose the last 10 lbs. (I lost 20 in a week--hello breastfeeding!!) I can't get sucked in by these blues. That won't be good for anyone.

She's here and I'm back.

It's the day after Halloween. The last time I posted I believe I was very impatient about Harper getting here. Harper Autumn Bennington Vidmar got here on Oct. 20th at 2:10AM. It went well. I delivered on my side. Strange, yes? I thought it was. I had labor pains from about 3PM until my epidural around 9PM. That was enough. I applaud the women who do it naturally. I am not much for pain. When given the okay to push, I pushed for 14 mins and she was out. My only thought is...get her out here because I can't do this all night. She is beautiful. Her coloring is so different from Z's. Interesting. She looks more like I thought Z would look like--dark hair and blue eyes. Z with her beautiful blond locks and bright blue eyes...she must have gotten it from my dad's side.

Oddly enough, even though I hated (let's face it) pregnancy--especially the end--the thought of never going through it again saddens me terribly. Maybe it's my hormones? We want 2 and that's it. (But I can see how people have many  more.) The entire process is addicting. Labor just proves how strong you are as well as just getting through 9 months. The end result being this beautiful being who is just her own spirit and she is here because you wanted her--that's amazing to me. She's a very zen baby. The docs says so, we say so...she's just laid back and quiet most of the time. She takes in the world a lot for such a young one. When her eyes are open...she really seems like she can see?? She moves her neck around just looking about with WIDE eyes. It's pretty cool. Z is doing pretty well with her. She is struggling herself right now it seems. Tantrums are almost 2 a day. She loses her mind. She is fine one moment and then goes crazy the next?? It's making me doubt my parental ways. Am I causing this? Is this normal? She screams and repeats a phrase about a million times. ??? I feel like I need a professional to guide me.

Here are the girls. Sweet, eh? Beautiful. We are lucky. (click on it to make it bigger)

My mom leaves on Sunday. Yuck. The blog will be more regular now. I need to get back somewhat on a schedule for myself or I worry about getting the blues. I took down the Halloween decs and now am putting up Thanksgiving. The change of season--from the beautiful tress to snow is coming soon. Bring on the snow and the lights. I need them.

Laboring

If I could sit today and just cry, I would. I am not good at the mood swings and my body aching. I'm 10 lbs heavier with H than I was with Z. I'm also 3 years older. It makes a difference. I am appreciative of the gift--but I am not graceful at all. My strength lies in other areas of my life. Pain and being uncomfortable is not one. However, I also can't stand whining--so I'm pretty sick of myself in general right now. "Suck it up and shut up!!!" is how I feel about myself most of the time.

This week mom and I went to see Argo and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Argo was a nail biter. Very good. Entertaining and educational. I recommend. Perks was also very good. I was worried if Mom would enjoy it since it was teens--I read the book (excellent). She really liked it and kept saying how well done it was. It's more than a teen angst movie. It's more than just relating a time of life. The feelings and experiences these kids have at 14 and 17 are ones we continue to have in our lives. Life doesn't get easier, but when all of these big emotions hit in your teen years, it is your first experience with such heartbreak and disappointment. Life becomes more real. The innocence is gone. It is tough to understand and figure out where you belong in it all.

Even as an adult, I find it hard to find my way. There are days (like today) when you just feel lost. You can't discern your own feelings. You just sit in a blah state. I'm probably just tired. Fatigue really messes with me.

It messes with Z as well. She is whiny and totally out of it. She is crying constantly and fighting me on everything. Tantrums are increasing. It's driving me batty. Basically, she screams and cries and I want to do the same thing.

I'm going to have 2 girls?? Geesh, what kind of mom will I be??

Send thoughts of labor my way.

Still waiting

Still no baby yet. I'm ready. My fears are subsiding due to how uncomfortable I am. Jason is busy with school and work and would like her to take as long as possible. Easy for him to say. Z is ready. I got her a gift from Harper. Hopefully it will break the ice well.

Mom is here. She's been helping me get H's room ready and get Z's room to where it should be. We've gotten a lot accomplished. I have a doc appt in a few minutes. We'll see how dilated I am. I've been 1 for the last 2 weeks. Can I see a 3 please??

We watched the VP debate last night. Jason commented on how many republican friends I have on Facebook. "Yes...I grew up in Kansas..." Hehehe. It doesn't bother me. Some really like to state their views. If I write something for my candidate, I always write something nice about the other as well. No need to be so negative. They are both good men.

I did talk to my therapist on Skype this week about my constant fears about J dying whenever he leaves the house. I won't go into detail, but instead of focusing on what I thought it was about, she focused it on having abandonment issues. Interesting. We'll just leave it at that. It was a new way of thinking about it. I can see her point. It makes more sense than what I was thinking. "You're not worried about him leaving you or cheating on you...so the next thing would be for him to die."

Huh.

Gotta go. Think baby for me.

up early

It's Saturday morning. Z woke me up before 6 to eat. I wasn't sleeping that well anyway. Jason fell asleep early and I ended up watching a movie unti late---Places in the Heart, with Sally Field. It's from 1984. I saw it in the movie theatre when I was 9. My mom always took us to see the movies she wanted to see. I barely ever went to kid movies. I saw age inappropriate movies (now that I look back), but I didn't know the difference. I feel it helped with my appreciation of film. They were very mature movies with mature themes and it seems at the time, I got it. I wasn't bored watching them. Well, the only one I didn't like was Passage to India. I thought that was boring. Oh, and Chariots of Fire--but I was 6. I remember watching The Color Purple--I would've been 10. I was glued. I really liked it. Talk about an adult movie! Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan was probably my favorite. I wanted to be Tarzan and live in the jungle. I wanted to be dropped off and I'd figure it out. Now I know about all of the creepy crawlies...no thanks. I'd never survive the bugs. YUCK. I find it funny that I wanted to be Tarzan and live with apes and not the pretty Jane. It never occurred to me. She seemed boring.

Mom comes in tonight. Harper seems to be holding on for her. As long as she is here, I'm fine with going into labor at any time! I would prefer it not be at night. I'd love it if the contractions started around 7 in the morning...or 8. I'd like it to be light out. I think it would help with my whacky anxiety. I've been waking up with the "night terrors" again. That is such a silly name. It basically means that I have anxiety attacks that wake me up and it is hard to breath. It's scary. I need to see a doctor after the baby is born. It takes about 45 mins to recover from a big attack. So odd. Looks like I've held off depression, but anxiety is just natural for me. I'm high strung.

Today we get out baby things--clothes, car seat, move the mattress back up in the crib, pack the hospital bag and such. I think Jason will feel better once that is all done.

The fatigue of waking up early is setting in. Let's hope Jason is ready to take his shift.

mother of the year

Not the best day. I'm doing a poor job of being mommy. I'm exhausted. My nights are short due to being uncomfortable and having horrible acid reflux. I'm finally able to go to sleep around 3. I'm exhausted and don't have much energy to do anything. Poor Z saw me finally burst into tears out of frustration and she started to cry, too. She's never seen me cry before. I felt awful.

She just came and asked me if I was crying because she was crying. (Well, yes) I said of course not. "I won't cry anymore, Mommy." I'm causing therapy bills for her before she's even 3. Poor thing. I'm only on #2--how do my friends have more children? I am in awe of them. I think of it all of the time. I'm not built for it. I know they have their bad days, too. I just feel as if I'm having a lot in a row right now. Please let it be the pregnancy and I will feel back to myself again after the baby is born.

I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I love it. Charlie, the main character, has so many feelings that I used to have. He is so relatable. In 1991, the setting, the main focus for teens was still music and books. The internet played no part. Music affected him and he used it to communicate. I don't even really like the music of today. I sound so old. I just feel like we thought more. We talked more to each other. We felt more. We didn't create feelings and thoughts to post to seem cool. We just were what we were--mostly confused or in love or both. I recommend it if you were a teen in 1991. Even if you weren't...it's a great book. It's an easy read. It flows well. There is a movie, too. It's out in Brooklyn. Jeremy told me it was playing at BAM. I'd told him to read it. He will relate.

On the plus side...I did finally hear from my therapist. We have an appointment for next week to Skype. Whew.

Staying with fear

So my nerves are getting the best of me. I expressed my labor fears yesterday. But the main fear I have is something I've struggled with for years. If I had to pinpoint when it started it was in 7th grade. My sister's best friend, Robin, was killed in an awful car accident. Because Robin had been someone that had become part of my little family--the guidance counselor took me to the office and told me. I fainted. My friend Erica was also in the office with me. Robin was also close with her family. It was a drunk driving accident. She was 18. She was not drunk, but got into a car with people that were. My mother, wanting to making a teachable moment, took me to see the car. She wanted to show me what can happen if you are drinking and driving. The car didn't look like a car. It had a HUGE impact on me. Unfortunately, a lot about the accident was shared with me. I won't tell you the details, but they were gruesome and awful.

The first "incident" came later in the year. My sister was in college and I knew she was on her way home. The KPL (gas man) came to our house...for some reason having his lights flashing. I saw the truck in the drive way and was certain that my sister was gone. I ran, screaming up to my mom's room and all I could say was, "Wendy...Wendy...." I was crying. My mom looked out the window and told me who it was. I was a wreck.

For years afterward, St. John had teenage death after teenage death--mostly car related. I knew these kids. I went to school with them. It just seemed like one shock after another. Erica's brother was in an accident in college--pretty awful, but he survived. When I went to the hospital, his father explained what it took to put him back together. I fainted. (I do that...I just shut down.)

Whenever Jason is out...I go through scenarios...you can imagine. Last year when Bill and Lynn died in a car accident--it just punctuated my fears. The policeman came to my door. I knew it was Jason. He'd just left hours before. When they told me it was Bill...it didn't register. I had just talked to them both that afternoon. They took me to see Melissa, his wife...who was in tears on the couch. She looked up at me with a confused look and said, "What is going on?" (She continued to repeat that throughout the night.) Yes, I'd had friends die...but I'd never gone through sitting with the family before. I sat with them for days. Watching each person come in...one after another, looking like squeezed out sponges. I'd only known Bill, Melissa and Lynn. They'd all just been at my house the weekend before. I was in shock. Then, seeing all that were affected was another shock. I didn't know what my place was...but I just kept coming and sitting in the living room each night. Out of the grief of this family, came such kindness. All who talked to me made me feel that it was perfectly natural that I was there. (Jason and I were the most recent friends.) But it was the initial night that I always go back to. It's the doorbell. It rang twice. The cop flooding my foyer with his flashlight. My hands shaking so badly, I could barely open the door. I am still awakened by a "doorbell." It isn't real...but I hear it. The guy that hit them was under the influence of drugs. (Again, the lesson is punctuated.) Melissa's house is visible from my kitchen. Each day I think of her, the remaining sister and their mom. I thought about it when I was looking at all of J's things in the bathroom today. "I wonder when she took out his things...has she taken them out??" The things that family has had to endure is too much for me to comprehend. (The accident happened Oct. 6th of last year...we are coming up on a year and the driver still has not been charged with a damn thing.)

I am plagued with worry and fears every time Jason is out of this house. Whenever my family is driving anywhere. It's almost as if I sit and wait for something awful to happen. It's no way to live. I contacted my therapist this week. Jason says I need to talk it through.

You've been my therapist today--I need to figure this out.

Scared.

I haven't blogged because I've either been sleeping or am so tired that nothing comes to mind. Last night I finally voiced to Jason that I'm definitely more nervous for this labor than I was for the first. Now I know what is coming. I know that it will hurt...that I will be throwing up...that I will have moments where I'm not sure I can do it...that I will be exhausted. The end result is great. However, I am scared. I have irrational fears dealing with my anxiety...that I will somehow cause an issue because I am so nervous. I would LOVE to have a sedative...but I don't think they allow that. Is this normal? I am ready for her to be born. I'm ready for both of us to be done with it and both of us healthy. I'm ready to meet her and for things to start. I just hope my nervousness doesn't mess the whole thing up. I seemed so strong last time. Maybe ignorance was bliss.

If you don't like it, just don't say anything.

The chill has set in. It is comforting. Hot chocolate evenings are nice. And...the fireplace will come into use again.

We have our name...we are happy with it and few others. Some love it, most don't say anything--meaning they don't. Oh well. She is named after an author. I like that. Her middle name is not from the family either, but comes from something Jason and I love--a season, actually. No one reads this, really...it's Harper Autumn. Shhh...don't say anything. :) Harper is after Harper Lee. (To Kill A Mockingbird) I realize that some have no idea who that is--well, I didn't know that until recently. Coming from a very literary family, I took for granted that everyone would automatically know who she was. Autumn is from the season. It's J and my favorite time of year. We live in an area where it is very celebrated. Our yard is full of trees...it's a season of change and holidays. We love it.  Z loves Harper's name and uses it all of the time in referring to her sister. I suppose there is a 1% chance that the name could change before she's here...I hope not.

Our guests start arriving in a few weeks. I'm thrilled, actually. I think a lot of people get stressed out by visitors. Not me. I love that people feel at home here and like to visit. I love having people around. Honestly, that was one of the reasons why I wanted to have another baby. This house just needs more people, ideas, conversation, love--I look forward to lots of conversations with my daughters. Z needs someone she can talk to who aren't her parents and who knows where she is coming from. She needs a confident. She needs a giggle partner and someone to keep her secrets. I realize that some sisters are not good at this--I am living in my dream world of perfection for as long as I can.

all over

The week is slow. The days are slow. My belly is big. The weather is getting much cooler. The election race is getting dirtier--and that is getting old. It's going to be a close one. I see both sides, I do. I can see why people would vote for Romney...and Obama. (I still want Obama) But I understand the opposing viewpoint much more at this age than I would have before. I'd like to think I'm trying to be more open minded and considerate of peoples' feelings. There are a few issues in which I am not budging, but there are others in which I've really changed my views. (Is that vague enough?)

On a lighter note, I watched The Voice for the first time last night. I enjoyed it. I am boycotting American Idol and will not watch it. I'll be tuning into The Voice and The X Factor. I have no use for Mariah Carey or Nicki Minaj (I had to look up how to spell her name). I'm a singing show person...not so much on dancing for some reason. I've always wanted the ability to really belt it out--but I don't have it. That's probably the one talent I wish I had--to really be able to sing. I think the voice is so powerful. I've always been in awe of my friends that can sing. And I dig a guy that can--Jason sings around the house to joke around, but I can tell if he really tried, he'd sound pretty good. (Deep down he really wants to be a singer, too.)

I just have random thoughts and facts today. My internal dialogue is a little scattered. I go from lying in bed doubting my mothering capabilities ("I can't do this, I'm not good at this...I'm going to screw this up") to feeling guilty for not liking pregnancy, to being frightened of losing loved ones, to being in awe of how good my life is... (I know, bipolar, right?) I'm chalking it up to hormones and leaving the bipolar thing in the past.

snap out of it. i know...

I'm not having my best day, I'm afraid. My lack of sleep last night made for a difficult day. I'm down. I'm annoying myself. I'm frustrated with being tired and cranky. I'm mad that I can't pull myself out of it. I'm very aware of how good life is...and yet today, I can't pull myself out of this funk.

We all have days like this, but I hate them. I spent too long feeling like this in a past life and I have no patience with it now.

Damn.

Please let tomorrow be better.

dark and stormy

We just had a quick storm. It was dark for a time. It thundered. I lit candles. It poured...and now it's passing. I wish it would've lasted all day. I'm in a stormy kind of mood. Not that I'm not in a good mood...but a mellow day would be nice. Also, it's not cool enough. It's 70. I want 50s. I want to be able to open the windows in the house and air it out.

I want a warm bath with bubbles. I want a feeling of peace and complete relaxation. I want all of my chores to be done. I want everyone to be calm and quiet. I want to have a window above the tub that looks over a huge body of water.

I want there to be feeling of complete understanding with those in my life. A feeling of contentment.

I want all of my loved ones to be alive. I want all of my friends to be alive.

Maybe this will be waiting for me after I'm gone. I hope that they've all found peace. The ones left here are still struggling. Damn it.

I really want a massage.

a little random, sorry.

It is gorgeous out today. I've been in a sleep state for most of the morning due to Z being an extremely early riser this morning. Ugh. J is on the road today...he is also very tired. Tired parents--not very original.

I've been watching some of the broadcasts from New Orleans. Silly reporters standing in a WIDE stance trying to stay up and yelling into the mike as they get pelted with water. Funny. Uhhh...go inside. It reminds me of when the wind takes all of the nannies away in Mary Poppins...but most things remind me of MP.

hehehe.

Today I'm in the mood to go sit outside somewhere and listen to some type of inspirational speaker. Something enlightening about how to go about life. Someone like the Dali Lama or something. I want to admire the trees in the sun and have someone tell me how grand life is. I guess I could find something online and just sit on my deck. I have weird cravings.

Maybe I'll just pack Z in the car and go to DQ. again.

This morning, I put nutmeg in my coffee. The smell of it made me ready for the holidays. I love that.

Going to go bask a little while longer.

secret revealed. shhh.

Last night I watched one of Oprah's Next Chapter's...on Kelsey Grammer. I wasn't sure about watching it because I didn't really like him. I never watched Frasier and his tabloid life wasn't that appealing. Well, it was a good lesson in judgement. Learning about his life was really an eye opener. His life struggles were shocking to me. He's dealt with a tremendous amount of tragic loss. He was well spoken. His new wife was as well. She was down to earth and very sweet. It was one of the best of those shows I'd seen. I didn't know anything about his personal life or how he grew up. I didn't know all the loss he'd had. I had never heard him speak about his addictions or hear his side of how his last divorce happened. It reminded me that I jump to conclusions about people too easily. (Are you laughing at me that I learned this from Oprah??) Well, I figure...wherever you learn it, as long as you do.

I took a 2.5 hour nap today after dropping Z off at school. It was glorious. Guess I was tired. The day was beautiful. Jason took a bike ride at noon and I got some chores done. We had a new turn in the name last night. The middle name has now changed to something completely different, but I think we've FINALLY decided on her first name. I'm almost sure that our parents/grandparents won't like it, but the younger generations should be okay with it. (no one reads this anyway...so, we're liking Harper for the first name.) There are MANY reasons for choosing this name. Harper Lee is her namesake. I believe the message she put out in a very turbulent time. We are still in similar times...and she represents how Jason and I think about human rights for EVERYONE.

I'll have to let you know the reaction we get when we finally tell people. Once she is here...it won't matter.

shhh until then.

I just made some cookies for comfort sake. Maybe it will work.

It's a cloudy Monday. The weekend was too short. We are slowly plugging away at our to do list. We are getting more comfortable with our name choice--but Jason isn't at 100% yet. Z has a little cold. She can't figure out how to blow her nose...or breath through her mouth. It's a little annoying. "Open your mouth and breath that way..." She just continues to snort.

I'm ready for cooler weather. I'm ready for the trees to turn and to go to pumpkin patches. I'm ready to meet this little girl. The change of season will be hopeful. At times, the endless warm, sunny days are no longer comforting, but tiring. I am never satisfied. (I could never live in California or Florida.) I crave constant change. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."--Emerson.  This does not directly apply, but it popped into my head. Have you ever read Emerson's Self Reliance? I was introduced to it in HS and it had a great effect on me. Pick it up sometime.

I'm somewhat lonely. I'm content in my surroundings, but miss deep, long talks. I miss laughing with friends. I miss that companionship. I miss a quick run to eat or a movie. I miss my friends. Everyone is busy and have very full lives. I'm thankful for the promise of them just being out there--but I long for the connection. I don't feel this makes me less fulfilled in my marriage. Jason is a dear friend of mine. However, we are consumed by our daily lives...and we have a countdown to a major event that causes us to focus on tasks instead of being carefree. I want a weekend away from my baby bump...and my little family...and I want to sit, relaxing and laughing with a good friend. (This is probably because I know the next few months I will be tied home--happy, yes--but still away from my friends.)

(Little Vidmar, don't misunderstand when you read this. I can't wait to be with you--but the friendships you will make in your life will rejuvenate you. They will refill your soul. They will remind you of yourself. They will give you a nice little happy injection to project you forward into more of this, sometimes difficult, life.)

If you are near your friends--call one up and go have a quick bite, drink or laugh.

art therapy.

I made it through yesterday-but it wasn't pretty. Jason came home early to relieve me, whew! I napped and then got up to hear Z still not down. By that point, I was able to cope so I took over. She was down in 15 mins. :)

Last night I watched a documentary, The Gates, about an art project that was in NY's Central Park for 2 weeks in Feb. 2005. When I was there last, I saw some pictures of them in the Met and I picked up 4 water colors outside that had them in one of them. I didn't get the back story until last night. Really fascinating. It took about 27 years for the artists to fulfill their vision in the park. A lot of nay sayers until Mayor Bloomberg said okay. Aren't they beautiful?

They covered 23 miles of the park. Just cool. My friend Jeremy had just moved there when they were on display. He sent me some of his pics as well. They weren't well received by everyone. Some older folks were interviewed and they found them awful. "The park was beautiful before...why would you add all of this?!" The Gates were made of steel. In fact, there were 7, 503 gates--which collectively had 3/4 of the amount of steel in the Eiffel Tower. (You may find this not so interesting...but it was really interesting to J and me, even if we never saw it.)

Anyway...so I watched that and started a new book. I read pages in about 3 before I settled on another mystery. I'm still searching a bit.

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed by all that needs to be done before baby girl gets here. Today I'm calmer. I'm still tired, but am definitely more logical. I'm a bit irrational when I'm tired. It will all get done. It will all get done. (my mantra)

The months are filling up with people wanting to visit. It will be nice to have so many people coming to see us. Some have never been here before. I have a trip to Kansas planned in the May-Aug time frame, depending on what we decide--but it is nice to have people come here, too.

I'm going to try to get a few more chores done before I pick up the girl. I hear a very loud crying dog outside. Hmmm...may have to go check it out.

get me through it.

Just get me to the end of this day. I forgot to take my Unisom last night and was up from 3-5am. I watched some stuff off of the DVR. The Kathy show with Jane Fonda and Sharon Osborne is hilarious. (taped it weeks ago) Jane looks so confused. She is confused by Kathy's sense of humor and shocked by what she says I think. I laughed out loud. I also watched Survivor Man--10 days in Mexico. He's on an island that my father frequents actually. I learned how to distill water if I need to...but I wouldn't survive on clams, oysters and squid. nope. I wandered around the house... I found J in sleeping with Z. I shut her window and kept roaming. Today I am wiped. Z isn't fond of naps anymore...so I'm just eating to stay away. Strawberries, black olives, salsa, oatmeal...random food items--we need to get to the store I guess. We had some pool time, but not much. Bees scared us away. Damn bees. I was happy out there. I killed a bee and Z is still saying, "Good job Valerie for getting that bee!" Sometimes I'm "Valerie." Whatever.

It's only 2:20--will I make it?

Again, I am in total awe of mom with more than one child. Moms that have so much energy. Moms who are always in a good mood, always baking, always creating, always going to the park. I am just in awe.

I want an iron injection. Why can't I get one?

I'll get there.

Well, I had another doc appt today. Still low on iron--I could've guessed. My mono-like symptoms are still prevalent. ugh. Baby is good. VERY active little one. We are still going back and forth on her name. We've narrowed it down to 3 I think. Jason is VERY scientific about it. He has a chart (of course he does) where he is noting the popularity, tease factor, meaning and origin. I go by my gut and heart.

So, I slept for about 2 hours today--than I did a mad dash to clean up the house and fold the laundry that's been sitting on the guest bed for about a week. I felt somewhat accomplished. (like it matters at all.)

I finished Gone Girl. Don't read this paragraph if you are going to read it.) I was glued to it until the very last page and then turned it to see "Acknowledgements." uhh...what??? That's it? THAT'S how it ends?! Yeah, pretty poor ending. It just stops. It was almost like she ran out of ideas...or didn't know what to do. So, that sucks.

I'm now trying to find a new book and keep on my reading course. I get out of it so quickly--I need to jump back in before I lose my gusto. I am enjoying the mystery/thriller thing. The page turners are working with my short attention span. I have a list of books that were recommended to me when I want to return to some type of "smart" book type. I was on a non-fiction kick for about a year. I love them. I've been filling that need with documentary films. I pretend I'm in a film class. I also need to dive into my writing creative non-fiction course. I'm just trying to keep cerebral. At times, I feel I'm slipping away into nothingness. I miss making my own money. I miss having a desk. I miss dressing up and talking to other people during the day. I love being with Z every day...I do. I'll love when the baby comes. But, I'm not fooling anyone by thinking I'm the BEST mom at home. I'm tired and irritable...and somewhat boring at times. I just pray she doesn't notice. Just get me to an age where she enjoys movies...I'll be great at introducing different genres to her. I'll be great at going to art galleries and discussing poetry and novels. I'll be great with board games and cards. I'll be great at girl weekends and talking about boys. But, I'm not so hot on play-doh, dolls and sandboxes.

Whining and Wanderings

In the movies where someone is about to drown--or go under water...they alway tilt their head back and take a deep breath and then go under. Today, I feel my head is tilted. There isn't any particular reason. I feel like I can't escape the fatigue. I am worn out. Most people are--but I feel as if I can't do anything productive for any length of time. This damn anemia is kicking my ass. I'm taking the iron. I'm eating the foods as best I can. I'm actually too tired to get to the damn grocery store. I still have to go today before I pick up Z. I'm going to have to nap first. (And I've already had one today.)

I'm whiny and irritated. I'm being a baby. I apologize. I'm not used to feeling this way. I''m putting it down for posterity.


Damn it.


On a much lighter note. J and I watched Wanderlust last night and laughed our asses off. It's not for everyone, but it sure worked for us. Some scenes were so out there that laughing broke the tension. I hadn't laughed that hard in a while. It was a good feeling.

off to nap.

Women friends needed.

I was going through my DVR last night and finally watched Oprah's Next Chapter with Gloria Steinam. I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. So much woman power. The most fascinating to me was seeing where she lives. I LOVE seeing how people decorate their homes. It says so much about them. My house is still not me. It's hard to decorate with two people in mind. If it were just me...I'm afraid J wouldn't like my style choice. I'm more into Bohemian Chic. (like I really know what that means) It seems close.

I spent some time on the deck today reading and sunning. Z played with chalk under the umbrella and tried iced tea for the first time. "I don't like it Mommy--maybe when I'm older." ??? cracked me up. I'm frustrated with my book because I want to talk to someone about it! (Gone Girl) I don't understand why he won't answer his cell phone. The narrator isn't trustworthy. It's aggravating--and won't let me put it down at the same time. I don't want to google too much because I worry about spoilers.

The day is gorgeous. My Japanese Maple is rich with color...oranges, reds, greens. I can't wait for fall. Fall brings baby, Halloween, Thanksgiving and cooler weather. We have a name...I think. I don't think it will be very popular with the family--but I LOVE it. We are still going around on the middle name. I'm hoping the first name sticks. I'm just ready to have her named!

I need a book club here. I want it full of friends. I want to hand pick them from all over. My perfect club would be impossible--people are too spread out. Maybe an online one???

it doesn't matter

Today is a day of thought. It's probably because I'm tired. I always dive way too deep into things when I'm tired. The negativity of the world affects me more. I feel a weight I want to shed. I want to disconnect because I'm confused and feel poisoned. (could be a little depressed today, eh?) I hate election time. It brings out the worst in people. Facebook during election time--yuck. I don't want to know half the stuff I learn about people sometimes. I'm sad that people aren't more open and loving. I'm saddened that some things come off as such a threat. I'm a true hypocrite--judging those who judge.

I wish I could focus on being a better me and not worrying about others being better themselves. I can't control that. I can control my frustration level, my outspokeness (when no one really cares what I think anyway), my nosiness (because most things really aren't any of my damn business) and the way I go about my day. I could smile more. I could be sweet more. I could be softer. I feel as if I wear a hard shell to get through life. Is it really worth it? Let people be who they are. Let life be as it is. Work on becoming the kind of woman you want your children to see--and to learn from. So much doesn't matter in the spectrum of life. I am a control freak. It is wearing me out today. I'm sure I'll be back at it tomorrow. But today, I'm giving it up.

Happiness and reading.

It's Monday. The weekend was nice. We went to the beach. I loved it. I'd never been to that particular one (Durand-Eastman). It was tree lined and you could imagine yourself finding it and it being all yours...aside from the other people and the life guards. The others around here are very city. Not my thing. I sat in my chair and watched J and Z play in sand and waves. I felt happy. That was the second time I took a mental note of happiness this weekend. The first was the day before. The temp was perfect. The sun was out. I was out on my deck reclining with Gone Girl--the book I'm reading. The trees waved slightly and I was relaxed. We had date night out that night--a long dinner outside. All the food was so good. We laughed. We talked. We caught up. It was great. (We also had a babysitter.) The weekend was good for the soul.


Today is more cleaning. I feel that is all I do sometimes. But, I think that is what most people do when they little ones. My energy is low. I've already taken a nap this morning for an hour while Z amused herself with Nick Jr. I am short of breath. I have 70 days to go. I'm doing my best with the iron...but I feel like I'm failing still. Jason is frustrated as well. I huff and puff and he freaks out thinking I'm WAY over tired than I should be. Maybe. It will all be ok.

Z is having a snack. Cheese and crackers. She started her morning by eating her weight in chocolate cookies. Her bedroom is near the kitchen...and she woke up and helped herself. Jason cleaned up the mess--thank goodness. It was not the way to start the day. She was proud of herself though. But, then, who wouldn't want that for breakfast?

My life currently is ruled by when I can get back to my book. It holds my attention which is hard to do. I'm confused and wondering what is up. It's a mystery. Things are starting to seem odd...we'll see how it turns out.

Pick it up for yourself and dive in...

So cool....

I loved this.

http://www.thewildernessdowntown.com/

Hope it works for you!!

Hope Springs

Today, Z had Doodle Bugs. I had a doctor's appt that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. My mild case of anemia turned into an extreme case so I'm now having to change my diet. I also got put on a prescription ant-acid. The baby is fine though...so that's really what's important. When I got home, all I wanted was to take a nap--but found myself in a movie theatre at noon watching Hope Springs. Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones star in this little film about a couple who go to therapy after 31 years of marriage--and what comes out of it. She is unhappy. He is unaware. He is totally dependent on her--and yet she is invisible to him. They haven't slept in the same bed for many years and haven't touched or had sex for probably 4-5 years. They did a great job of acting very uncomfortable through the whole process. It was believable. I enjoyed it. I didn't feel it was geared toward an older audience--but really, any married couple. We can lose sight of things. We can lose ourselves and each other. It reconfirmed the importance of touching. Just a touch can send all the right signals--I love you, I miss you, I want you, I'm here for you. I forget to do this sometimes. I'm all wrapped up in errands and chores. I should be more touchy feely. I can' focus on what Jason does and doesn't do, only on what I do and don't do. (I can be a blamer at times...)

With that, I hear J and Z on the couch. Think I'll go in and cuddle with them.

Woody, Jane and me.

I'm taking a break from the sun. Z is watching some Nick Jr. We went to a new park this morning. I loved it. I love finding new places to go play. I get bored with the same ones. Problem was that it was a little too warm, so she didn't want to play very long. We took a scenic way home and got some ice cream and now she is chillin' indoors. I thought I'd get some sun, so I'm relaxing on the deck. I finished Woody Allen: A Documentary this morning. I was more about part 2--since those are the movies I'm more familiar with--but part 1 was more highly regarded. To my surprise they did cover his adopted daughter/wife scandal. It wasn't a major component, but it wasn't ignored. Yes, it's a bit creepy--but again, I focused on his work. His movies always make me thing I can write movies. I love his dialogue. I love the way he contemplates human relationships. I love how natural the thoughts flow--into non-natural situations. His perceptions are interesting to me. He digs into religion and love and how fucked up people are. I have visions of me writing something worthwhile at my kitchen table. I'm not sure when this will happen. I don't think it will be published...but I just want to finish something in my life. I want to have something left after I'm gone for my girls to read.

I haven't picked up a book in a while. I did listen to a good chunk of Jane Fonda's Prime Time in the car two weekends ago. I really loved it. I recommend it. I need to finish it so I can move on. My vacation from the gym has put a big dent into my "reading." Maybe I should go back...big belly and all.   It would be a nice little break, I could exercise, Z could play and I could feel like I'm feeding my brain again. I've been struggling greatly with low iron this pregnancy. The docs have yelled at me and I've upped my intake three times. I can barely get up the stairs some days without having to stop and rest. It's amazing what anemia can do to a person! I figured, if I can't even get up my stairs, how am I going to work out?

37 and pregnant isn't my cup of tea. I wasn't mature in my 20s, so this is the lot I have to deal with. I'm at 29 weeks--only 11 to go! I'm ready for the baby. (I even have a name--but am still working on Jason to approve.) I'm ready for the new challenge of motherhood. I'm ready to get some energy back--and my body back! I'm excited to see Z as a sister. She needs to understand that it's no longer the Zo' show. (We're getting a little cheeky)

Okay, maybe a few more moments in the sun...

everything you want to know about nothing...

Today is beautiful. I just sat outside getting some sun for about 45 minutes. Couldn't take much more--hot. It was enough to give me some Vit D and help my legs not look so preggo. I ran errands this morning after dropping Z at Doodle Bugs. She slept in her new "big girl" bed last night for the first time. After being up and down in the bunks, she finally settled in the bottom. Jason slept with her. I was already asleep in our bed. I have a couple more errands to do this afternoon. I just want to sit and watch part 2 of the Woody Allen documentary I started yesterday. I learned so much about his early years. He's worked with writing since he was a teenager. Wow. He's been paid for his work since 19. Impressive. I know he has his flaws, but I've always focused on his work and have been collecting his movies--starting with Annie Hall. I'm not much of a fan of his earlier work. It was inspiring...made me want to start this little writing class and start working on my craft again. I'm a late bloomer...but I have faith that I will eventually bloom. I feel it inside--but I haven't been able to fully nurture it for one reason or another. I'm still excited by the woman I can still become. I realize that now I'm more focused on raising my little women. That's ok. I just want to be someone they look up to and learn from. I want to be inspiring and encouraging.

The house is so quiet. I was thankful...and now I'm a bit lonely. I haven't quite adjusted to it yet. Mom will be back in October though, so that's not too long. I should relish the silence while I still have it. My belly is getting large. I feel so big. I've started having my breathing problems at night again. I wake up gasping for air. Seems like it's related to sleep apnea...but I'm not sure. It is scary and I feel like I'm choking and may not recover, but I always do. I panic. I always panic.

Okay, off to take mom's suitcase to UPS. They ran out of room for it. At least I get to go to Park Avenue--it's a cool part of the city. Then, maybe back for a short nap. (I've already taken one today.)

I'm back.

My family just left back to Kansas (via South Dakota and Colorado). The house is quiet. It is a mess. I am looking forward to getting it back to working condition. I'm looking forward to some quiet evenings, though it was nice to have the distractions. 6 extra people in your house is a lot. My need for order and space seems to win out eventually. I'm exhausted. My growing belly slows me down quite a bit. I just can't get it all done as I'd like. I have to sit and take breaks. That is annoying. Z finally has her room back and we can get that all decorated for her. She has her own bed now and won't be sleeping in ours. (Maybe sometimes) My table will go from having 9 chairs down to 3. My fridge won't be overflowing. I am ready to purge again--clothes, toys, anything that I can get rid of. The stuff is making me claustrophobic. I know Jason feels the same way. He and Z are napping on her bunk bed--top bunk. Cute.

Listening to how things are in my hometown in Kansas makes me feel fortunate that Z will grow up here. It just isn't the same. She has more advantages here that they just don't have. Bad attitudes and a decreasing population aren't making for a great place for kids to grow up. I was blessed with good people around me in high school and for a class that was mostly filled with bright people who were ambitious and adventurous. We were excited about things. That doesn't seem to be the case. The teachers seemed to be there for us. The coaches were about personal bests...not crazed winning freaks. We were nurtured for the most part, not yelled at and left feeling small.

I had times where I feel my little comments made my nephew and nieces feel a bit picked on. Making them do things for themselves instead of being waited on. Making them clean up after themselves, make sandwiches for themselves and putting their dishes in the dishwasher themselves!!! (I spent a lot of time putting dishes in the dishwasher.) I realize this is small, but it sure got on my nerves. How hard is it??? : )

Z can relax a bit now. Being around kids 24/7 was a lot for her. She's not used to it yet. Her sister's arrival will be good for her.

I ordered an dvd class about writing creative non fiction. It's through The Great Courses. I saw the ad in the NYTimes. I am ready to sit and feed my brain again for a bit. I'm feeling a little empty. There are 24 lectures of 30 mins each. I'll keep you posted on how it is. Maybe this blog will get better. :)

A Dark Knight

We went to see it last night. I was jumpy and nervous. Every time anyone stood up, I was on guard. Every time guns went off, I scanned the audience. It was hard to enjoy the movie because I was so distracted by the shootings in Colorado. Jason said he didn't think of them at all--but Kendra and Mom were also aware as they also checked out each person that got up and walked out for whatever reason. The move was very dark. It's violent. It's depressing and very Mad Max-ish to me. Bleak. I enjoyed the last movie so much more. Maybe it was because I couldn't relax. That's possible. I'll have to take a second look.

I recommend going to see it in IMAX--and maybe during the day if you're skiddish. Maybe that would help me, too. Seeing young kids in there was disturbing to me. It is NOT for kids. It's way too dark and disturbing for that.

Is it worth seeing? Yes. It's a great story. I didn't get bored at all. Bane was slightly uninteresting and evil. But it was exciting and surprising. Anne Hathaway was great. Bale was Bale. The movie itself was the main character--if that makes any sense. I think I need another go at it.

therapy.

warning. this is a therapy blog session.

i haven't found (or even looked) for a new therapist in new york. i was so fond of my chicago one--it seems as if i'd be cheating. plus...it's hard to start over again.

having my family here is nice. watching kendra struggle with teen woes isn't. i see mysel so much in her that it's horribly frustrating. (me at that age, rather) there is so much to learn about dealing with people and dealing with ourselves. i struggle every day. i get overwhelmed with expectations of myself--of my life...what it is suppose to look like and feel like. it's hard to be at peace with it all. it's hard to feel as if you're being the best you can be. i fail most of the time. i'm quick to judge. i'm nosey. i'm easily frustrated. i'm easily fatigued. i'm always feeling as if i'm failing as a mom, friend, wife, daughter, aunt, sister. (that's a lot to fail at.) my brain won't turn off. jason came to bed and unloaded his brain into mine at 1am...and then i was awake for hours unable to shut off. i obsessed from one thing to another. why my family is messed up. why his family is messed up. why we are messed up.

i'm cleaning today for therapy. trying to create the scene of a put together person. "look...everything is in order...i'm so organized and figured out."

right.

I need to read something...or get more sleep. I need something else to do with my brain.

too complicated.

It's been a long time.
I've been busy...and on vacation. We're back now. My mom and niece are here. I'm still recovering from our Lake Placid trip. Still putting away things. Still sleepy. I think it's being pg more than anything. I'm a little cranky and a lot annoying myself. My body just won't do what I need it to do. I get tired doing a little chore and then feel like I need to lie down.

The weather is slightly hot, but I won't complain. We are cooler than most of the U.S. It's going to be 90 today. Other parts are in the 100s. No thanks. We stay inside in the AC...and I find a million things I'd like to do and then look at the couch longingly.

Could I complain more?

Lake Placid was lovely. Our place was very nice and our company was fantastic. Spending time with friends in a beautiful place...I couldn't have asked for more. I need to post some of the pics and send them to everyone.

Here's one of all of us in the boat:

 Fun, eh??


As I mentioned before, Kendra, my niece is here. She is doing a drama camp for 3 weeks. Spending time with a 17 yr old is challenging. The boys, the drama, the total distraction. She is struggling through it all. I was a disaster at 17--totally immature and had no clue about life. Now to be faced with that again is pay back. I've introduced her to Felicity and we are watching episodes each night with my mom. They really like it--of course!! I'm hoping it will enlighten K about complications in youth. However, it is just a tv show. (and a dated one at that.) Felicity didn't have a cell phone. This is a BIG difference. She didn't have FB...another problem. Gosh...life used to be a lot more simple.

Nora

Nora Ephron died yesterday and I am so shocked and saddened. When Harry Met Sally is one of my all time favorite movies. It keeps me company when I am lonely. It cheers me up when I am sad. I put it on when I want to spend time with friends--Harry and Sally.

I read her books and love her movies. She was fantastic. I feel like a friend passed away.

Barf.

The pg hormones are getting the best of me today. I feel a bit off kilter. I want to cry. I'm horribly frustrated about many things. It's a day where I should be sent to an island away from other people. The world would be a better place if there was that type of option. If you're having a bad day and you know it...you could choose to leave and not spill over into the happy people.

I'm betting this feeling will go away in an hour or so. Former bi-polar-ness helps with the diagnosis.

My niece is "dating" someone. ugh. I'm not ready for this time of life. She is 17 and boy crazy. The boy she picked is...nice in the Kansas sense of the word. He's religious, he's republican, he's a bit full of himself. He is older by 2 years and in college. College people should date college people. Leave the HS girls alone. (Could I sound more closed minded???) My first love was 4 years older...I'm a total hypocrite and I don't care. There is a world of difference between college and HS. I just don't want her to get serious. (Like I did) I want her to date for fun. He said to me, "I don't date for fun...I only date if I can see a possible future with that person." I think he thinks that adults want to hear this stuff. I wanted to barf. SERIOUSLY?? At 19?? Geesh people. Have some fun. Kiss some people and keep it relaxed. This is the Kansas way as well. Too serious...too soon. Everyone wants to get married in their early twenties--or at 20. UGH.

See, I'm not in a good mood. I don't like boys. I don't like messes today. I don't like hormones. I'm not real fond of myself today.

Thursday...

HOT.

Z and I are headed next door to the pool in about 15 mins. I'm thrilled for the pool day--but the only suit I have is the one I got for my honeymoon. Least to say it doesn't fit. I looked like a stuffed sausage! I have a cover up I don't plan on taking off. My new one is suppose to arrive today. COME ON FED EX!!!

Z looks adorable in her suit. Geesh. I miss the younger years of the lake and the pool when I lived in my swimming suit and flip flops. I was a fish...a tan one. I miss skiing and camping and campfires and tents. (I miss being young and not worrying about cellulite.)

I'm thinking about taking another writing course. My playwriting course got sidetracked by early pregnancy sickness. I'd take a class about writing about your life. It looks so therapeutic. It's probably a class full of bleeding hearts, but oh well. It's a way of getting some cheaper therapy.

I spent some time this morning sweeping the front steps. Our bat continues to shat all over. It's gross. I like the idea of it finding shelter here...just wished it was a bit more tidy.

cabin fever

It is hotter than hell out. Not as hot as it can be in Kansas...but for Rochester, it's hot. It hit 100 on my thermometer. We're headed to the neighbors to swim in the morning. If you can, you should always move next door to someone with a pool--that way you don't have to do anything with it, but then you can be invited to pool parties.

I should get preggo swim suit tomorrow. I am going to get sun this summer. I may be a whale, but I am sick of being white. I did buy 70 SPF though today.

Father's day was nice. We went to the beach for the day. I sat in a chair and was deadbeat mommy while they played. (Bitch session--) My back is killing me and I'm exhausted and I'm big. Ok, that's enough. October seems a long time away.

I want someone to come dye my hair and give me a mani pedi. I'd also like teeth whitening and a massage. Is this too much to ask?

Our trip to Lake Placid is very soon. I'm clinging to it. I love it there. It is beautiful. I just want some new scenery soon.

A margarita would be heavenly.

Well, after two housebound days, I got Z out yesterday to an indoor playground. We'd never been there before. She LOVED it. She's totally unaware of her age or size and plays on everything the big kids do. Even if the step is up to her chest, she spends the time (about 15 minutes) to figure out how to get up and go. After she mastered the technique, she was everywhere in that place. She is not afraid of anything and does not look to me for help. She is so independent--more than I am.

Today we have Little Gym. It forces me to get out. I'm really not such a home body all of the time. But pregnancy is bringing out all my blueness. I keep complaining on here thinking it will all bleed out.

It is gorgeous out. Sunny--high of 70. I cleaned up the upstairs and vacuumed. Nicole, our nanny, is coming today for a couple of hours. I  have errands to do and Z is VERY happy about it. I always liked my babysitters as a kid. I hid from them right off the bat and they found me when they came in. I still remember that.

I am ready for guests and family members. I think they will take my mind off of myself. I tend to get horribly self centered. I am going to reach out to the two moms that gave me their info today though. I will!! I would like someone to go to the beach with.

Whining a bit.

Today I miss having a desk job. I'm not so great at the stay at home mommy thing. Z will soon go to a preschool 2 days a week and I feel she will thrive there. I'm looking forward to the baby. I'm wondering if my pregnancy is part of the problem--the sickness, the fatigue, the blahness. I make sure I am extra sweet to Z--but I should also probably try to work on activities for her and such. I'm a home body right now. I have no energy.  My other thought is that I need to network more. I've had two moms give me their number so we can hang out and I haven't done anything about it. I'm like a bad date. I should rally. I should get more friends. I should stop being such a loner.

The rain is pouring down today. Yesterday, it was sunny and hot. I actually got some sun! I ordered a couple of swim suits for my rounding body yesterday. We'll see if that gets me going to the pool. Am I depressed? I don't feel it....not really. Hmmm. Is this just the hormones?

I think I'll clean and check back later. I'm not feeling a 100% fun.

ok, I'm back (5 mins later)
I think a good idea for me is that I need to have more of a structured day. I need to plan it out...say, 9-9:30 work on letters, have a set time for reading books, have a set time for coloring, etc. Set it up like a work day. Maybe that would help me stay on task. I could have a set time when I clean and a set time when I work with Z on things.

Am I over thinking this???

Is the art of conversation lost?

We are all too busy. It's my thought of the week. Maybe we always have been? It was topped off by Jason rushing out the door this morning for a week in San Fran and didn't have time to say goodbye. He's apologized many times over the phone and text since...but it did hurt my feelings. Of course, he also had a major conversation with his sister over text yesterday when I felt it should be over the phone. I am not upset with him...but the world in which we live now allows those who are uncomfortable with certain conversations to text and not have to deal. Jason cuts himself off from the world at times--as we all do. I dive into a book or a movie and don't come up for air sometimes. We escape into what's comfortable for us. But, before TV and computers and cell phones...didn't people HAVE to talk to one another? They wrote letters, talked on the phone or just went to see that person. High Schoolers text--they don't talk. It's so odd to me. My friendships are based on LOTS of talking and note passing. I memorized their handwriting. It was a part of them. I memorized their phone numbers. I still have them memorized. Does anyone know anyones phone number anymore?

We are getting away from it all. And it's only going to get worse. I've thought about disconnecting from FB. I haven't decided. I'm just hormonal and thinking very deeply into everything.

I got an email today from one of my dearest friends who I haven't spoken to in months. It was nice to hear she was thinking of me...but I was still upset that we hadn't talked. Is this just a busy time of our lives--the child bearing years? I'm not sure. It just makes me sad.

we are all too damn busy

Cell phones and FB are convenient, yes--but they are taking away the meat of my friendships. It's my fault I let them. It's a fake closeness. No one TALKS on the phone anymore, they just text. No one sends letters much anymore...they send a message on FB. I think it's a great way for a mass announcement or mass support. But--for one on one, it sucks.

I miss my friends. I miss talking to them. I miss when life was less busy and we were able to just sit and talk for long periods of time. I'm just emotional and irritated. Some of my good friends I haven't heard from in such a long time...ARE WE REALLY THAT DAMN BUSY???!! life is too short. make an effort.

Let the sun shine in

There are days when we are not our best selves. But, fortunately, I have Z who holds up a mirror. I was cranky and awful this morning--horribly tired and nauseous. But, she is resilient and told me it was ok. She laughed, "wow mom...you really are tired." She found it funny and I felt foolish.

The sun burst through today after days of gray. I needed it.

Sometimes I become so focused on myself and how I'm feeling, I forget the hell others go through. My friend just lost both her parents in a car accident this past weekend and SHE is really going through something awful. I need to remember that I'm going to get through whatever crap I'm feeling--but my little family is doing well.

And the sun is shining.

Just heard some horribly sad news.

Some have too much sadness and shock in their lives. It's just inconceivable.
Love those around you the best you can.

Evergreen

Rain again today. It rained all weekend as well. We focused on our in-door jobs and got some things accomplished. Our closet is now somewhat organized. It's been a disaster for months. Just awful. I was pretty out of it yesterday. Woke up sick and it never quite went away. Saturday I wasn't sick at all. Finicky baby.

Been talking to some friends with lots of changes going on in their lives. Our life seems somewhat slow out here. I'll take it. I feel as if I'm sometimes in the audience watching others' lives roll out. I watch their ups and downs. I think about them. I cry for them. I think about how much was going on with them in the past years when I was checked out. Today is a day for reaching out. There are a couple of friends that have a hard time ever contacting me. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've had this role. Some I've let go. Some I refuse to let go.

Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. We got married on a cruise ship somewhere near the Bahamas. Weird. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy the day more instead of freaking out so much. We need to go do it again someday. Our day/week is busy, so I'll write him a letter and we'll celebrate when we have time. I'm fine with that.

Yesterday, I found a box of old emails and such. They were all from 1998-99. I actually printed a TON out from different people and put them into a 3 ring binder. Reading them was sort of surreal. It was good to see how creative I was--and reminded me that I need to do more creative writing. It was nice to see that most of the people (all except for 1), I'm still in constant contact with. I was 23. A romantic and idealist and very emotional. Not a lot has changed. Z will get a kick out of reading them one day. I have a feeling she will be more mature than I was then. (it wouldn't be hard) But, I had good friends and had lots of good times. My life is a full one.

Whistling...

Well, today is better. It always is. And the pm of yesterday was much better than the am. My mood swings seem to keep things interesting. The cool winds and gray skies are somewhat relaxing really. I'm feeling ok and ready to work. Already threw away some toys of Z's that were in need of pitching. She didn't notice. I'd love to throw away most of them...but I won't. I'm going to start clearing out the play room and figure out a way to make it into a bedroom for the two kids. I'm going to have them share a room. I've polled most of my friends and the consensus is that the kids like it. I'm looking forward to it. We need to get Z back into her own bed. She's been sleeping with us for about 3 months now. I don't mind...but she'll be better off in her own bed.

The rain is going to wash away our weekend. Maybe it will allow us to get some indoor jobs done. (While our outside grows and grows)

Alright, back to work while I still want to do it.

Second Year Blues

This poem is from my friend, Ronda. It deals with a great loss she had last year...

I've got the 
second year blues
What I've heard about 
missing you is true 
The first year 
the news hit low
I missed you so
I almost went 
out of my head
But the children 
needed to be fed
I managed to pay bills
made the bed
we once slept 
in together 
This second year 
is like no other 
Reality of life 
without your voice
words to guide, direct 
leave me lost
Mourning you 
with tears, poetry
I say words to 
you in my head 
I miss your smile 
and touch so much
This second year 
I run frantic 
panic with the 
loss of you
What shall I do 
this entire 
year without you--Ronda Miller, Lawrence, Kansas

A bad morning does not mean there has to be a bad afternoon.

That is my mantra today. My hormones are all over the place. I'm exhausted and horribly cranky and totally annoyed with myself. Everything seems out of control. It's a good day to be a hermit and fix yourself. No one needs to be around negativity.

I need to meditate. I need to get over myself.

CTFO

I'm a bit high strung. I need to relax. To me it seems that you don't need alcohol quite as much as during pregnancy. Oh well. My hormones are all over the place. My thoughts are either lost or everywhere. I am anxious/hyper or exhausted and past out.

The landscapers came today. They were suppose to be here yesterday, but things happen. They went to Melissa's  yard and started setting up shop--I had to go get them to move to our yard. That would have been a disaster. Her yard already looks perfect...wonder what they would've done exactly. Our yard (after 2 hours) is starting to take shape again. I'm sure they were like, "uh...do you guys do ANYTHING??!" Uh, no. We don't. Thanks. That's why you are here.

It's a day to try to stop being annoyed at everything and everyone. It doesn't help a thing. I'm listening to a jazz station to try to chill my shit out. What a bad example I am.

weeds

We had the deck roof taken off today. It was rotted and full of bugs...something right out of a horror movie. Now our deck looks so much bigger and a lot sunnier. You can see so much more of the trees. I dig it. The landscapers are coming today as well. Along with the horror movie theme--our yard. The trees are overgrown, the weeds out of control. We mow, but that's about all we do. I have a new found respect for great landscaped yards. They take a lot of work.

Wouldn't it be great to have something like that done with our psyches? I suppose some would say shock treatment is the same. I don't want to remove it all--just my bad habits, bad memories and occasional pessimism. 

time to get out.

This morning Z and I are headed to Wickham farms for Tales and Tails. They read a story and then bring out an animal for the kids to pet. It's still a bit chilly, but it's suppose to be a warmer day. I'm ready. I flourish in warm weather--much like a tomato. :)

The week has been low key. We are planning our trip to Chicago--trying to figure out each day without over planning and being miserable trying to stick to a schedule. It's our 5 yr anniversary. It is definitely an interesting thing--marriage. You learn a lot more about yourself than you think. I thought marriage was about being with someone else...focusing on them...building your life side by side. For me it's been about learning about us as individuals. We're partners in life...helping each other through it instead of googling over each other like it is in dating. You see how each of you struggle and how you make it through. It's a great lesson in being human. Before, I was pretty focused on myself--now, I am almost taking a Master's class in someone else's journey. It can be cool to watch--and easier on you if you think of it that way. The first year was the hardest for me. I never realized how much I though only of myself--it was hard to include someone else in my plans. Even when I dated...I had MUCH more alone time. Now, going to Kansas without him is somewhat a relief for me. "Oh yeah...I know how to do this!" It's nice for him to come for a while and then leave. (awful??) I just like to have one on one with my friends--it's hard to have good convos with too many people about.

Chicago will be nice. Z will stay in Cleveland and we can focus on each other...and eating. Chicago has such great food. We're staying at The Drake--we like the vibe there. It's old school. We've stayed there once before and I felt like my grandparents would turn the corner at any minute as young people. It was like we were back in time. So cool.

Okay, time to be an exemplary mom and take my child out into the chilly morning to see farm animals with all of the other happy, smiley, annoying mothers!


Sidenote: Jason spent his new watch/road bike budge on Facebook stock this morning. I'll let you know if we become millionaires. We've made $100 so far.

Mary Poppins would be ideal...

Cloudy day so far. I woke up ill, but am better now. Today I need to get some things done. (I don't know why I feel this is necessary to say...) Being a stay at home mom makes you feel as if you need to be prove your productivity. (at least I feel that way) So far, I haven't even poured a cup of coffee. I've been looking over facebook and chatting with a friend online. Z is (again) watching tv.

I watched Inside Actor's Studio--Mad Men last night. I rationalized my daughter's tv addiction (and mine). Whereas some of the actors didn't watch tv at all as kids...others were addicted and it sparked their creative minds as well. (Okay, now she is playing in her room, I feel better...I turned off the tv)

Yesterday I taped up a calendar and marked off the events of the summer. Today I'm going to tape up the events of the city and options for Z. I feel as if I could see them easily, I would do more. It's my way of getting more organized and feeling more like a good mommy. I struggle with that. I have friends who seem like they were born good moms. I struggle. Not with the love part--I'm good at love and cuddling and silliness--I'm not so great all of the time with the activities. I want to go to an art store on Wed (nanny day) and get her some art supplies that we can do outside on the deck. Get this girl's creative juices flowing. Now that she is 2--and the baby stage is over...it's time to challenge her a bit. And, I feel I will be inspired as well. I will be a little lenient that my lack of enthusiasm has somewhat to do with the fact that my energy is running out my toes constantly--but I can still try.

It's the mental struggles of motherhood. Am I doing enough for her? Am I discipling well? Am I giving her good self esteem--I'm going to say yes on that one. She isn't shy and isn't afraid of anything. She is a bit (a lot) bossy and she's learned the ways of female manipulation already. It's frightening, really.

I'm not school teachery--I've always struggled with the happy-kindergarten teacher thing. My parents were never that way. My friends just seem to have the knack for it. (of course many were early education students) I look forward to the teen years of introducing her to films and art. I look forward to the talks. At this stage, I just want to bring in someone sunshiny and filed with energy to get  her to that point. Until then...I'll have to rely on my silliness.

Not exemplary.

I contemplated not blogging today...not sure how it will go. My head is pounding. I am exhausted today. It feels like an alien instead of a baby today. It is sucking all of my life source and I am left with almost nothing. I just want to sleep all day.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, was very nice. The entire weekend was. I was spoiled and felt loved. Jason was very kind to me and took Z for most of the time and they created gifts for me--flowers were in the mix as well. It was one for the books. But today you'd think I was super busy both days.

We did have a date night. We saw Dark Shadows--fun, beautifully shot and a definite escape from reality. The colors were gorgeous. He has a shot at the end that I found really breathtaking. I love Tim Burton...and Johnny...it was good.

I have a to do list that isn't getting done. I feel the baby moving. They are probably wondering why I'm so quiet today. TV is babysitting Z. I'm doing a great job of mothering--HA! Right after a day celebrating it. Ridiculous. I need someone to swoop in and take this girl to the park while I crash for a bit.

I need to rally.

I wish I liked sushi.

My wishes today.

I wish I'd gone with Bill to the farmer's market downtown so I'd know how to get there and such. And I would've had that memory.

I wish I hadn't cut my hair so short.

I wish I'd started baking earlier in life.

I wish I'd been smarter about things and therefore not get so irritated when I see that foolishness in others.

I wish I would've gone further with my film degree.

I wish I understood why bad things happen.

Yesterday it was a gorgeous day. I sat out with Melissa next door and enjoyed the sun. Jason came over for a bit and even Z kicked around the soccer ball in her yard. Bill was missing.

The ones we love will always be missing. I don't know what happens after we die, but all I can hope for is to see all of the people I miss on a daily basis. I want it to be a reunion. But I want all of our spirits to be there. Bill shouldn't have to wait for Melissa to join him. Time should be irrelevant. Grandparents should have to wait for their grandchildren. Love connects all of us. It should continue to connect us. We should be able to be with our lost children.

A random thought process, I apologize. It's just that loss never goes away.

The sun is lighting up my Japanese maple and I'm thankful for how beautiful it makes my window. All we can do is try to see the beauty of each day--and do our best to be as happy as we can for ourselves and for those around us.

It's BLT's for lunch today. That makes me so happy I could pop. I'm off to the grocery store.

On a side note, I watched Breaking Dawn last night. Awful. One of the worst. Then I watched Young Adult. I suppose it was a good film, but it was so damn depressing I couldn't appreciate it. It was awkward and frustrating...well done by Charlize. Ugh.