Looking Forward

Jason and I celebrated our 4th anniversary in Cleveland. I would have preferred a beach, alone, but The Melting Pot was nice as well. Z stayed with her grandmas--I call them the Screaming Grammys. The mother-daughter duo are rather loud when put together. I guess they've always been that way. (The Screaming Mimis are in The Yellow Submarine--in case you were wondering).

J did well on the gift front. I got VERY cool bracelet from an art house jewler on East Ave. in Rochester. He also soared with the card. Very sweet and well written. It was a great evening. I focused my gifts on our wine collection with glasses and accessories. He seemed to like them. We talked, laughed and had two martinis a piece. A really good Key Lime Martini is so hard to come by and it was so outstanding, I had two. It's my favorite. It's great to be alone and just focus on each other. We are best friends. I think this evolved from starting out as friends and having really no boundaries as to what we can share with the other. I can talk about anything with him. He's more reserved, but he doesn't have an issue listening to me. We have struggles and at times they can take us over, but when we really focus on the other, we return to our base. We were friends for years before we ever dated. We gave each other love advice and hung out occasionally in Chicago. Then, we became roommates. The friendship turned into more. It was probably the easiest relationship I'd had.  When it starts out difficult...it just stays that way.  I think the years of friendship discovering our interests were so similar really has helped our marriage. We probably focus more on our friendship than the romance. We're working harder on that. I think the day to day can zap the romance out of you. The friendship seems to take over in order to get through it all. But, finally....we'll have a date to bring us together again romantically.

I think another thing we focus on is making sure we have events in our lives that we can look forward to. We have many things planned in the months to come. This makes the daily grind bearable. I feel it's important to have planned happy times in the near future. It's a great way to go through life. Yes, the day to day crap can get to you--and it's necessary. Sadly, we haven't figured out how to go through life without working and making money. The babies also haven't figured out how to raise themselves. But, to make sure you have some mental relief helps. So far, we have a family trip to Lake Placid and a bonus good friend that's meeting us there. That happens July 4th. (BTW, if you ever get the chance to see Lake Placid and that charming town, you should go.) Later in July, my 16 year old niece is coming with my mom and we are have a quick trip to NYC for a walk in Central Park and a Broadway show. Neither of them have been there before. Kendra will attend a 2 wk drama camp in Rochester. The rest of her family will arrive for her final performance. We'll have guests for a month or so when it's all said and done. Whew! Labor Day is shaping up and a Girl Weekend is almost set for Sept. I'm very happy about this. Staying connected to women who knew you as a girl is important to me. I've gone through many challenges and was S L O W to mature...and these girls stuck through it with me. Love them.

Z and I are off to Little Gym...we've got to go!!

The picture is Z, J and me at the Memorial Day parade in Pittsford, NY.

My Mother, My Self

Ever find that you think more about the relationship you have with your parents when you, yourself are a parent? I find that I obsess over it now. (Not that I didn't before, but in a different way.) I think about how our time was spent when I was a kid. How they talk on the phone with me. How they supported me in the past--or, didn't. Am I the only one? Do you not find yourself wondering about the transition into seeing your parents as people instead of just as your parents?

I'll be interested to see how Z and my relationship changes. Right now, we are very honest and supportive. Yes, she is 18 months, but...we're off to a good start. The frustrations of raising kids must distance parents--or rather maybe it's just that the self sacrifice is over. You think about how often you see them now. How often do they visit? How often do they say that they want to visit? You think about how many times they call to see how you are...or how your child is.

So many have children that shouldn't. That is evident. How many of us wouldn't be here if they had a "do over" or a time machine. I think about so many things I'd like to do and places I'd like to visit. I'm sure that in 30 years, I'll have those same thoughts and more. Is there a certain age you reach where you feel it's too late to do things and you just spend your time wishing you'd done it in the years before? Maybe wondering if it was all worth it?


I think about these things daily now. That can't be healthy.

Even just a quick phone chat helps

I find if you talk to your friends more often...you find you are have a lot more in common than you thought. It's comforting.

Blooming late...

The cotton from the Cottonwoods is driving me NUTS. It's everywhere. When you open the door to go in and out, it flies in. It ruins the water in the pool and stick in the screens. YUCK!!!

So, yesterday I was trying to find something to entertain me on TV while I folded laundry. I came across My Dinner with Andre. It's an older movie that is based around a conversation at dinner between two acquaintances. I watched it in HS and was intrigued. Movies heavy in dialogue are my favorite. I love good conversation. I really feel that I'd like to try to write a play. I haven't been writing enough to be good right now, but I feel that if I tried my hand at this, I could finish something. A novel is never going to happen. I think I've mentioned this desire before. I need a setting. I have a few ideas...but nothing groundbreaking.

To inspire me, I Googled late start authors and feel much better. Here's what Wikipedia had:

Writing

Many writers have published their first major work late in life. Mary Wesley might be a classic example. She wrote two children's books in her late fifties, but her writing career did not gain note until her first novel at 70, written after the death of her husband.^[59] Harriet Doerr published her first novel at age 74, and went on to great praise.^[60] A possibly more well known example might be Laura Ingalls Wilder. She became a columnist in her forties, but did not publish her first novel in the Little House series of children's books until her sixties.^[61]

Memoirist and novelist Flora Thompson was first published in her thirties but is most famous for the semi-autobiographical Lark Rise to Candleford trilogy, the first volume of which was published when she was 63. Children's author Mary Alice Fontenot wrote her first book at 51 and wrote almost thirty additional books, publishing multiple volumes in her eighties and nineties.^[62] Kenneth Grahame was born in 1859, joined the Bank of England in 1879 and rose through the ranks to become its Secretary. Although he had written various short stories while working at the bank, it was only after his retirement in 1908 that he published his masterpiece and final work The Wind in the Willows.^[63]

Charles Bukowski published his first novel at age 49 after a lengthy career working odd jobs and then at a post office.^[64] Richard Adams's first novel, the bestseller Watership Down, was published when he was in his fifties. Anthony Burgess, the novelist best known for A Clockwork Orange, published his first novel at age 39. William S. Burroughs was also 39 when he published his first novel, Junky. The Marquis de Sade published his first novel, Justine, after turning 51. Henry Miller published his novel Tropic of Cancer at 44. Raymond Chandler published his first short story at 45, and his first novel, The Big Sleep at 51.

In other areas of writing, poet Wallace Stevens started late in life after years as an insurance salesman and executive. Although he was first published at 38, his "canonical works" came out in his fifties.^[65] In philosophy Mary Midgley had her first book when she was 56.^[66] Edmond Hoyle wrote a booklet on whist in his late sixties. To avoid unauthorized copies he wrote the copyrighted A Short Treatise on the Game of Whist at age 70.^[67]

The Indian writer and polymath Nirad C. Chaudhuri wrote his autobiography The Autobiography of an Unknown Indian at the age of 54. He wrote a sequel to it Thy Hand, Great Anarch! at the age of 90. He published his next work (and his final work) Three Horsemen of the New Apocalypse at the age of 100.^[68]

Aron Ettore Schmitz published his first novel Senilità in his 38th year, however it was not until he published Zeno's Conscience that he made a breakthrough, aged 61. Even this was self-published.^[69]

Joseph Conrad was one of the greatest authors in the English language. He could not speak a word of English until he was about 21. He only started writing in English at about age 32, and his first published works came out when he was about 37.^[70]

Small Talk just sucks.

It's hot. Z has her little pool all ready for an afternoon of water and sun. We got it yesterday. We also got a great hiking backpack! We hiked a little on Sunday and it works well. We even used it to watch the Memorial Day parade in Pittsford. She's up high and looks very comfy.

Spring seems to have disappeared. It was here for about 2 weeks and now Summer has taken hold. 91 degrees today. The Cottonwoods are shedding and now we have summer snow. I'll take it.

My journaling is going well. I'm still trying to focus on the truth of the day instead of what I'm writing here--vague and small talky. I'm not a small talk person. I think that's why making new friends is hard for me. I have so many life long friends...it is just too much effort to be so light.

-------------------

We just spent some time at the pool and it's too stinkin' hot for her to be out there too long. Now we are inside waiting on the DISH guy. Our stupid TV is out again. I'd never get DISH again...but for 2 years, it's a great deal.

What a garbage post. Sorry...a lot of small talk. SEE! I'm not good at it!!

The truth is a virus

I've been reading May Sarton and Anais Nin's dairies off and on. I relate to May's more. Both write about the importance of honesty in a journal. I've found myself writing very bland and vague entries--as if it will eventually be picked up and read. So, this week I've been focusing on writing with as much honesty as possible. I can't worry who picks it up someday, I just have to write my truth each day. It's harder than you think. Now I understand why Oprah keeps her journals in a safe under lock and key with strict instructions upon her death. I'll have to do the same thing. I'll find my way to getting safe to keep my mind at ease.

Writing in a journal helps me sort out my thoughts. It also keeps time. I have a memory issue and writing it all down will help my recall. My years of medication robbed me of many years of my life. Many times my friends will tell me of times in my twenties and I'm just blank. Jason has to remind of me of times in our relationship as well. I don't want to lose any of our current time.

Everybody Hurts

Just got done watching Shania Twain's show on OWN. This particular episode was particularly good. The show really focuses on healing. She communicates with a lot of different people in order to deal with the pain in her own life. I've always felt that my interactions with others is how I learn/heal best. That's why we are all here I believe. We are all connected. Our souls weave in and out of one another. So much healing and loving is done by just communicating. I spent so much of my teens and twenties just trying to talk and connect to my friends. The electronic age seems to have stolen a lot of that away from me. So many of my friends don't communicate well via email or even the phone. We grew to be friends face to face and it's hard to feel close any other way. We are all in different places now--we should Skype. I miss the chats in my mom's kitchen and on the floors of my assorted apartments throughout the years. I miss having that soul connection.

Watching the Shania episode just now, I am reminded of how each of us are so damaged in our own way. To see the devastation in Joplin, MO today...seeing how people are dealing with such loss...it's incomprehensible to me. As human beings, we are all struggling each day. Yes, I like the focus on the positive and I see the joys of every day life. At the moment, I can hear the birds outside and love all the green surrounding the house. I love the sounds of nature and feel it has it's own healing powers. The silence. Healing can reach each of us in so many ways. I heal by talking, listening to music, listening to the outdoors, sitting quietly, writing and by just reading about others' experiences. I do believe there is life after our life here on earth. Meaning, I believe in what many would call Heaven. I'm not sure what I'd call it. But, I believe in the spirit and how we are all connected together. I believe that we have so much power in our connections than we do in our separations. I've spent a lot of time trying to separate myself from many things in my life. There is so much to learn. What places/people do you use as your grounding forces? I'm so distant from many of my gravitational pulls...it's hard.

If you get a chance to see Shania's show on OWN, you should check it out. It's at least thought provoking.

Listening to Anna Nalik

As I sit here listening to this album--Wreck of the Day, I literally feel as if I'm back in my bed in Chicago. All the feelings I had in Chicago just pour over me. All of the fear and love and recklessness...it's a great and almost nauseating feeling. So much emotion. So many layers of feelings. So many feelings of love, lust and confusion.

It reminds me...yes...I've lived.

Blahness is out.

I always seem to have higher expectations for people and situations than what actually happens. If you have low expectations just so that you're not disappointed, won't you always wonder what would've transpired if the bar were higher? I do feel disappointed a lot. I hate that. I do take the experience and earmark it for later. I've disappointed a lot of people. I can think of a few times when I came in so below the mark that I am ashamed and never quite feel redeemed no matter what I do. All I can do is move forward. I can do better. I can try to shine brightly instead of being a gray cloud. I am attracted to positivity and cheerfulness. I used to be pulled into the dramatic and depressing. No more. I want to feel like the people in the Firework video--like I have a sparkler stuck in my chest. I wish everyone had a sparkler. I wish everyone was bright and cheerful...not annoyingly so, just enough to keep up the energy.

And is it me or is my blog totally messed up??

Everything disappeared all around it. So weird.

After running into my neighbors...

When Z is with me, I lose my ability to be any kind of cool. Why is that? I meet people and act like a freak. I'm quiet and so not funny. What the hell??

Spending the afternoon with May.

Today is the perfect day for a walk in the woods. The noises of the outside are great today. The wind in the trees, the birds. I love it. Z is sleeping...this is nice as well.

I read my post from last night. It seems so vague. I have so many thoughts that float through my mind all of the time and when I write, I don't convey any of them really. My writing has become very bland. As a teen and in my young 20s, I was so much more expressive. I try to keep things light, now. But, life isn't always light. On the nights when Z is down and J is gone...I feel my mind has time to wander. I think about my mother's thoughts. She has a lot of time alone and I know after she's gone...I'll wonder what thoughts she has as she sits alone. I think our parents are somewhat of a mystery to us. My older sister is as well. She's one to keep her thoughts to herself. My younger sister and I talk for hours about everything. It's those that are quiet that really make me wonder. I want to know more. Maybe we think similar things. Maybe we'd have talks that would enlighten us. Maybe we won't ever know. It's quiet here. My mom always comments on that. She loves it. Back home, I lived on a street with a dip and I grew up hearing the noise of cars scraping their bumpers on it. (I find it comforting now) Here...there's just nature...and some lawn mowers and leaf blowers. Hearing the birds and insects here reminds me of Kansas. At night...everything gets quiet in St. John and you can hear the crickets and the wind. I missed that in Chicago. It never sleeps there...and you hardly see stars.

I'm reading May Sarton's Journal at Seventy. My friend, Jeremy picked it up for me years ago along with many of her other works. That was one of the best gifts I ever got--a load of May's books. Anyway, I feel as if I get to hear her thoughts while she sits quietly. It's not for everybody. She goes into great depth at the nature she sees. She writes about her thoughts about evenings with her friends. Here's an example:
(in response to an evening with friends...)

"All I could do was bask in the loving atmosphere and go to Yeats to express what I felt:
Think where man's glory most begins and ends
And say my glory was I had such friends.
I must say that hardly a day passes here without those lines running through my head."

I love that. She also spends a lot of time thinking about her parents like I do. After writing a memory she had and what it meant to her she wrote, "That is why we are never done with thinking about our parents, I suppose, and come to know them better long after they are dead than we ever did when they were alive."

I love that so much.


Thanks Jeremy. Miss you. Love you.

I left my heart in San Francisco

Z and I got back yesterday. She spent four days being spoiled to death by J's family and I spent four uninterrupted days getting back in touch with my husband. We traveled the CA coast, starting and ending in San Francisco--my favorite US city. I did a great job of staying in the present and focusing on connecting again. Our daily lives as parents can sometimes pull us away from being husband and wife. Jason works too much--but he's always worked hard...and that's just the way it is. After 5 years, I'm learning to appreciate his efforts instead of feeling slighted by them. He's always supportive if I want to try new things. I need to be supportive of how he gets through his day. He's not thrilled at his work hours. Why should I kick the guy when he's down? I've always loved the falling in love stage. I would say I am addicted to it. But, marriage isn't about that. At least, in my experience. For better or for worse. We haven't hit worse...we've just been going through, "really? this is how hard it is?" But, in the first few hours of us taking off alone...we were laughing and having a ball. The man that I've been frustrated with due to his issues with work/home balance had relaxed and made me feel giddy again. (Gosh, this sounds like we were in hell before...no. Just every day crap.) We get lost in all of it. Work, a baby, a mortgage and constant house chores just crowd out the romance. We spent our days talking and laughing and sharing our thoughts about whatever...it was great. I missed Z pretty horribly...but the butterflies reappearing in my belly were worth it.

Jason is in CA for the rest of the week. Already, the phone calls are more upbeat and cheery. I think we're both lighter and re energized.

If at all possible...reconnect as much as possible. And listen to the music you listened to in the beginning. Kiss. Hug. Sit near the other...even if they are working--to let them know you're there.

Lightening up.

It's been a while. I've been disappearing into the Royal Wedding a bit. Last Friday, that's all I did. Got up at 4AM and watched it til Z and I napped in the afternoon. I taped it all of course. We rewatched all 8 hours on Sunday as we put our will together. There was something so uplifting about it. Maybe I'm a little bit cut off from the rest of the world out here and it made me feel like I was part of it. I had the time of my life when I was there. We've witnessed so much tragedy due to natural disasters that it was so nice to feel a bond of happiness and hopefulness with people all over the world. Everyone was thrilled to be a part of it.

J and I are headed to CA tomorrow afternoon. It'll be the first time Z is without both parents. I know she'll have a good time, but it's hard when you can't really explain that we'll be back. Maybe she understand more than I think she does. We need to get away together...so I'll just trust she'll be fine and focus on being as present as I can be. That's something I need to work on. Enjoy the present and be present in the present. Also...thinking positively. I repeat it like a mantra in my head--be positive, be happy, smile and breath deeply. I want to associated with positive energy. I have a tendency to get way too serious about little things. Lighten up...lighten up.

So, for the next 5 days I'm focusing on a lighter, more joyous me. Deep breath. In with the joy and out with the worry.

Much joy and light moments to you!

No Direction

It's 9:47am and we've already gone on a walk. Zoë loves the outdoors and constantly puts on her shoes and pulls on the front door handle. It's warm this morning, but the rains are coming. Highs in the 70...but it always has to include rain in the forecast. The May flowers better be bursting. The trees started budding and just seeing the green slowly becoming part of the backyard scenery makes me feel a bit lighter. The birds are all laying eggs as well. When I park my car too close to the front bushes, the mama Robin spends hours jumping up and pecking my front bumper. It really ticks her off. It's pretty funny to watch.


I'm counting down the days until J and I head to California. He has a week long conference there and we're flying out early to spend some baby free time there before it starts. We fly into San Francisco and we'll drive to Monterey for our first night. We'll continue along the coast until we reach Hearst Castle where we plan on spending the evening on a tour. Pretty cool. You get to experience the castle as guests back in the time of Hearst. Everyone is in full dress. William Randolf Hearst is whom the character Citizen Kane is based. I can't wait.

Zoë slept through the night in her own room last night. This is the first time in over a month. Maybe her teething is easing. It's been a trying time. I figure we're getting finally paid back from having her sleep so well for over a year. I told Jason that we are experiencing what most parents face in the first year. Again, my appreciation of other mothers grows.

I feel like this post is so small talky compared to all of the thoughts that have been running through my mind lately. I've been deep in thought since my return from Kansas. I'm always reflecting and am constantly pouring over the memories of each of my life chapters. I find it interesting that I can actually FEEL certain times, places and people. Chicago has a certain feel to it. It's excitement and a feeling of fierce independence. Living in a city that is filled with young people and constant distractions felt surreal to me. Growing up in a sleepy little Kansas town...it wasn't comparable whatsoever. Everything felt larger than life. I miss that feeling of being excited and scared at the same time. I miss the feeling of being where everything is happening. Rochester is beautiful but not exactly bursting at the seems with excitement. We wanted to raise our family here. But, when she's old enough, I can't wait to take Z to Chicago and show her all the different sights of my 8 years there. Sometimes I want to move back--but I know we are where we are suppose to be right now. I miss the people, the food and the culture. It's like looking back on a relationship and only seeing the good things and wondering why it didn't work out--then reality sets in and you remember..."oh yeah....right...that."

I'm rambling because my brain isn't focused and I just wanted to post because I haven't in a while. I probably should have more of a point when I write. I'm afraid that isn't possible today.


The picture above is of Hearst Castle.

Mothers with multiple children are aliens to me.

The last 7-10 days have been the kind where I find strength in my grandparents. They were married for 61 years and I'm SURE there were hard times. My hard times aren't that hard...I know that. Z is teething and has been for almost a month it seems. Her sleeping habits are destroyed and now she ends up in bed with us each night. I don't sleep well when she's with us. Jason loves it. Sleep is my time away! He's been so busy with work and school, I think he's just happy to have her near him. Maybe if we both worked we'd see each other more. Maybe if he didn't have all the pressure on him. He's a workaholic...though he'd say he's just doing what has to be done. But, I've never known him to have normal sleeping hours...or working hours. Yes, it used to be worse, but I wasn't married to him then. Now, the going to bed alone each night is tiresome. He can't help it--though he's not the best with time management. So, I lay in bed and think...yes, there are times when your husband turns into your roommate and your family is focusing more on a schedule than on making each moment count. I'm sure grandma and grandpa went through times much worse than these and they were happy. This is what day to day marriage is about--getting through the tough times. We can do it. Day dreaming about our simpler times falling in love is probably not the answer right now. The fact that the cold won't go away is also playing into it. We need the sun...we need outdoor time...we need family hikes and swings at the park. I need Z to go back to being sweet and quiet. I have a feeling those days are over. She is a little girl now...and a very head strong one. I'm happy she's not a wilting flower...but it makes for long days and battle after battle.

How do people have multiple children??? One is hard. We want one more...but, wow. Let me get to Spring and think about it. Right now...I'm in awe of anyone with more than one that is still smiling. Am I awful at this?? When Jason is super busy, I focus on making sure the house is clean so that he can think...that we're fed...that his laundry is done and try to be as upbeat as possible. (I'm not able to keep this up most days.) Each person in a family seems to be to be at their max--how is that possible? My friends have up to 7 children...and I'm struggling with one? Hmmm...

Where I basically seem self obsessed.

The sun is casting shadows on the carpet and it puts me in a good mood. It's been so rainy. I'm sure I suffer from SAD. The tree by our bedroom door is budding. This is a good sign. Now, if we could just get the temperature to stay in the 70s.

I'm picking out pictures for books I'm making for my mom and niece as bday presents. Going through them all makes me miss them. Family is so tricky. Too much time with them and I get anxious about how what I see and how I want to make things better. Doesn't that sound condescending? It's more like wanting people to be happier. I always feel I know what's best for people...it's a fault. It's so easy looking in from the outside. Away from them, I feel lighter but long for them at the same time. It's screwed up. I enjoy being left out of a lot of family drama--but then feel like an alien. It's a codependency. I get sucked into it and feel ill. I think many of us feel like we are so different than our families. It's more like different experiences make for different realities. Of course, my life here in Rochester is more calm and relaxed, we only have one child and we have most everything we need close by. In small town Kansas, you deal a lot with gossip, monopolies and being on top of one another all of the time. Plus, you have to drive at least 30 minutes to get anything you need. A lot of frustration comes from a community that is almost TOO closely knit. You are pegged as a certain personality starting in HS and you aren't able to outgrow it. I do the same thing when I go back. The bullies in HS are ones I still don't go up and say hello to. Somehow, it's like you're stuck in time. It's not a fair assumption. When I see someone move geographically, I assume they've changed and grown internally. As if having left your childhood home creates a new person. That's a messed up mentality. It all has to do with me. How I perceive myself. I had to move in order to grow. I have lots of mental growing to do in order to stop seeing myself in everyone else. I'm so self involved. Gross.

Sojourn

I watched Shirley Maclaine on Oprah today. Pretty interesting. I suppose one would watch and think she's absolutely nuts. I didn't. Hmmm. What does that say? I watched her and just thought, "Gosh, I'd love to spend a weekend with her just talking." She seems so calm and one with herself. I've always searched for that feeling. Tonight, I went down and looked at all my pictures with the thought of seeing them as a stranger--what kind of person do I get from those pictures? If I didn't know me, what could I gather? I think I'd like to dive into that more. What do I put out into the world? I know what I think about...obsess over, but how do others see me? It's not about caring what people think...it's more of a real interest of my stamp in life. I'd love to spend some time in some sort of spiritual journey. I'd like to see what I come up with.

It's late, I'm tired and therefore...thoughtful. Time to sleep.

Spring...

Another poem by my friend, Ronda. She's inspiring me to write poetry, but I'm not ready to post yet.

Enjoy her work.

Pregnant with bloom,
Spring waltzes, fox trots,
does the tango and the
rumba past my window.
Ever changing weather
...patterns setting the cadence,
teasing into an expectant mood.
Cleaning the house,
sticking seed filled hands
into cold mud now joyous;
no longer a duty.
The cat carries bloodied,
freshly birthed bunnies
to drop at my feet.
Their screeching almost
drowning the glorious
colors that surround.
Scents, sweet and sour life,
bitter, pungent death, and
nostalgic hope fill my nostrils.
A gentle nudge of promise
and anticipation that
something good lies ahead.
A vacation away from winter
enough to set all in motion.
Robins jiggle, joggle,
hustle for worms to
shove down the throats
of newly hatched Chickadees.
Their mouths open so wide,
expectations of jaw hinges snapping,
as hungry for soaring as I am.

Warm temperatures...but not the ones I need.

Z has a temp of 102.7 and is very cuddly. Poor thing. She's also slept a lot today. Her rosy cheeks and warm body make me ache for her. I wonder if her skin hurts...you know, when you don't feel well and even clothes hurt. I hate that feeling. At least she has a parent to cuddle. There is a news story on right now about an abused 2 year old who was just removed from his parents. Gross.

I've had some interesting "therapy sessions" at random lately. I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. I keep getting into long phone conversations with people and really hashing things out. It must be emotional spring cleaning. I have lots of cob webs that need to be blown out. Don't we all?

Still no buds on the trees. BUT! The Cardinal family is very active. They chase each other all over the little part of woods we have back here. There's also a woodpecker that is quite noisy. It's all good noise. Still...I'm waiting until it's warm enough to open up the house and let the warm breezes come through. That coupled with the nature sounds makes for a calm and happy night.

Just stopping by

My new friend, Debbie came over today. It was nice to sit and talk and watch her adore Z. She's very maternal and made me feel comfortable. J and I don't have many friends here. The few we do have are from work and we don't see them much. Though...Dan, my former boss, is coming over for food and games on Saturday night. My good friends are elsewhere and I keep in touch well. I don't feel lonely. However, that being said, it was great have someone stop by to chat in my kitchen...and bring sweets. We have some things in common and spent a lot of time swapping stories. I feel a real friendship budding!! I've always enjoyed being around older women...maternal figures to look up to make me happy. She's younger than my mother, but old enough to be my mother in age.

As I look out, the trees are still bare. No buds yet. An there is a dark gray cloud that seems a little threatening.

Zoë keeps saying her new words...apple and up and HELLO!!!! It's sickening how cute it is. I can hear Elmo (who she calls "Mo") in the other room laughing. She's tickling him. They're great friends.

Master Class

Today, I watched Oprah's Master Class series on herself. It was really great. Very well done. Inspiring. It's on OWN. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you check it out. Even if you're not an Oprah fan, it's a great story. She has such great little lessons packed in there. I felt I learned a lot just by watching it. I'd go into it with more depth, but Z is climbing on me and won't allow me to type!! It's 5:30...ready for J to get home.


Here is a promo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5D92AN7mpE

Ok, there's my plug for the day.

homesick

Home is many things for me. Home is Jason and Zoë. It's Chicago--where I grew up. It's Lawrence, where I first ventured out. It's St. John...where I fell in love for the first time. It's people. It's my girlfriends...it's Jeremy, it's Dustin. It's country roads and farmland. It's the color blue. It's The Beatles or The Doors or Edie Brickell. It's the smell of cut grass. The sound of a basketball on concrete. It's my mother's hand...or my grandmother's laugh. I miss the feeling of being younger. I miss the feeling that the day was all mine. I miss being me in my little tiny town. I miss my house in SJ. It's all heartbreaking to me at times. To miss so many things--however, it also makes me feel incredibly rich. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm especially thankful for the town St. John, KS was when I grew up there. It's not the same and it makes me horribly sad for my nieces and nephew. They won't have the same experiences.

Be present in your life. Take mental pictures. Take in the smells and the sights of your life. When your older...you can feel the bittersweet yearning for all of it.

Love and other drugs

I'm currently watching this movie. It's kind of a new age Autumn in New York. Lots of sex. Lots of nudity. Wow. Hathaway does look great. It reminds me of the first stage of the relationship--the sex stage. How deliciously fun. I love kissing. I married a great kisser. It was a deal breaker. It all begins with the kiss. If it's not there...the rest is just empty filler really.

Who would have thought our first kiss years ago would have had such power behind it?! Now, we have this sweet little girl in red smiling up at me. She's very excited to learn a new word--up. Now she says it all the time. Cute.

I made an appointment with my Chicago therapist. We'll be Skyping on Saturday. I'm calling in the big guns in order to process my thoughts. Hopefully, that will help me figure out how to deal with some of my current demons. Take that!!

It's a rainy, cloudy day. It's chilly. But, the snow is melting and it looks like Spring through the windows. I'll imagine the warmth.

J and I booked our tickets to California. We'll fly into SFO. Maybe a small time in San Fran...maybe drive up the coast...maybe camp in Yosemite, not sure yet. However, it'll be time for us. A short time of 3 days...but it'll be our time. I expect lots of delicious moments.

F U Winter

It's Thursday. Trash day. Jason had to leave early this morning and he forgot to take out the trash...damn. I gathered it and now have to put it out in the cold rain--poor me. I'm annoyed that it irritated me this morning after the week he's had. I talked myself down and felt bad for being so petty. I think I'm more just totally pissed off that the winter won't let go. I need warmth and sun. Z needs to go to the park. I'm tired of winter clothes and the house being chilly. It's making me cranky.

Mother Nature

Today wasn't much better with my attempt to decompress. I'm still wrecked for some reason. I met a new friend today. She's the mother of a friend. She lives in Rochester with her husband. They raised 4 children. It was nice to talk to someone...and know that everyone has problems. Every family has some sort of issue. I'm exhausted. Every time I lay down, I keep thinking about past events and future scenarios. I can't control anyone. That is hard for me. I want to play my family like little pawns--as if I know what is best for each one. Today, I wanted released. I wanted to barricade myself in my house--in this life and just focus on my own happiness. However, it seems to be tied with theirs.

When things seem to be so clear to you and not to others...it's just so frustrating. Heartbreaking. Tiresome.

I need to unpack. Put my things away. Put my house back together. Make it look like the picture I need it to be--then it will at least look normal. Until the cold wind stops outside my door, I can't even find refuge int he park down the road. I look forward to long walks in the outdoors...feeling the sun on my face and body...the warmth will feel like a hug. I'll feel as if I'm healing somehow.

I'm back.

Got back from my two weeks in Kansas last night. Today, I'm so much in thought that I didn't get out of my pajamas or put make up on. Not normal. It wasn't a relaxing time...and served to be down right exhausting. I'm so happy to see the people I did--but wow...I need time to decompress from it. Being at home in KS...witnessing certain things...it's just a lot for me to comprehend. It's almost like having to worlds collide- my new life and my old life. Now, I find great peace in my NY home with my little family. I want to enjoy the down time and try to figure out how to go about dealing with my feelings about the rest.

Pretty damn vague post, I know this. (And some horrible sentence structure.)

More later--

Join Twitter...

I've had a good day with social media today. Twitter allowed me to contact a Tweeter in Japan and see how things were going. I found someone in the region where some friends are living currently. I found out more information on Twitter today than I did on the news. It's such a helpless feeling. Watching the tsunami headed toward Hawaii and not knowing if everyone who needs to evacuate, has. I have a cousin there. I found out later, she and her family are fine. What a day. I feel for those in Japan. I sat, watching the devastation and cried.

We leave for Cleveland this pm. Z and I fly out early in the morning for KC. We'll be in KS for two weeks without Jason. Ugh. I know he'll miss us. It should be a nice trip if I just focus on the present--and not long for NY. It's good for people to see Zo'.

That being said, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog for a while. Maybe, but it just depends. I'm helping with some things that may take up all of my time.

I think you should check out Twitter, even if you feel you won't ever Tweet. It's a great way to receive information. In Hawaii--social media was the only way people were receiving information. TVs and radio were off. It's fascinating. It's also a great place if you're not much into Facebook. You don't really have to mention anything about yourself--just watch the tweets.

I'm vbvidmar.

Block Party

Zoë loves her blocks. Here she is sporting her new coat and dress. Her dad decided on a photo shoot.










The day has been productive, but now all I want to do is nap. We had Little Gym this morning and then her 15mo check up. I'm trying to stay productive...I have many things to do before my 2 wk stint in KS. I worked out yesterday (and going today!) but man, I strained my left shoulder a long time ago picking up baby Z and now it hurts from lifting too much at the gym.

I found a friend on FB that I've been looking for for a while. She looks AMAZING. She's one of those people that was always up beat and happy. She had such great character in HS and was always kind to everyone. Life has been good to her it seems. I love when I reconnect with cool people. Her abs and arms make me want to start P90X. I think it's time. When I get back from KS, Jason and I need to commit to it. We both want to change our shapes a bit, this is the perfect time!

Short post today. I'm fighting my nap off...and losing.

Up!

Last night I was obsessing about my annoyance with certain people in my life always playing the part of victim. I obsess more at night than at other times. I'd heard from a friend of mine that really was down and seemingly tired out by life. I know there are tough times, I am very aware of that. I don't have an issue with it. My issue is that some don't bounce back from those times. They almost wear them as a badge of honor. "Look at what I've been through..." They hold on to it for YEARS. (decades) Some define their lives by the difficulties they've had. (I used to be this way) They are always tired. They are always just a little bit down. Really? This is the way you want to live your life? I love the survivors. I love the people who shine on...and really are great examples of choosing to be happy. It is a choice to be positive and optimistic. I find great energy from those people. I look to them. Some of my friends have been to hell and back and you wouldn't know it. I know it from history with them. They don't go into it. They choose to look forward and live a good life. Those are the people I choose to lean towards. All of that baggage really drags you down and drags others around you down. And children will see it and remember it. They will start incorporating that feeling with you. Just think about it. Life is so short. I know awful shit happens, I do. It's the way you get through it and choose to live a positive life.

Sorry--it's just sucking my energy to worry about these people. I wanted to vent.

So, I'm getting my hair done today. The last time I had it cut was June I think. I'm staying with the dark hair. Spring is coming...I should go blond but I don't feel blond. I feel brunette. Whatever that means.

Have a great, positive and happy day. Even if it is still DAMN COLD...embrace it for what it is. Think...Spring will be that much sweeter.

Kansas

It's Friday. 4:30pm. The sun is starting to head West...and the sky is a light greyish blue that is starting to fade. I miss the sunsets in Kansas. I took them for granted growing up. The sky is bigger...with the farmlands stretching out to meet its ends. I grew up in a small town with only about 1,000 people. I graduated with 23 kids. I got lucky though. There were great people there. Thinking about how Z will grow up is so odd at times. I didn't have a mall down the street or really anything. Our streets didn't have lines...and we loved walking down the dirt roads. I didn't know I was really missing anything. I didn't have a cell phone or movies on demand. I had my friends and our connections. Even in HS, I didn't drink or try drugs. I kissed a lot and had lots of conversations walking the streets of my small town. We had to drive at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Z has so much already. I relied on my connections to entertain me. I grew up with small town girls...yes, but I'm astounded at how big their hearts were...how much they laughed and thought about things...we weren't backward or small minded. I could joke about rednecks, because that's what small towns produce. I won't say there weren't any, just no one I really hung around. I'm still friends with these people. My class and the class below me...packed full of great people. I'm just sitting here thinking of all of this due to the light that is in the sky. It just comes back...the memories and the gratitude. I got lucky. I really did. Will Z know how to really connect with texting and email and all the other shit out there? My friends wrote letters...and notes and were creative with expression. I'm worried. I really am.

If I could go back and be with my friends when we were younger...go to a football game or a track meet, I'd do it in a second. If I could walk into my gym, hearing the band playing and watch a basketball game...it would be blissful. We all supported each other. We were fans of one another. We laughed and cried and fell in love together. What a great way to spend your childhood.

I'm headed back to my small town in two weeks. I'll spend 2 wks in KS total. I know it's different. My town is not the same. My neice goes to school with mean girls. No one goes to games really. No one likes to be in clubs. No one supports each other. The town square is empty and kids drink a lot. What a shame. Do I blame technology? A little. They don't have to rely on each other for a good time. They have everything at their fingertips. Yes, we all had problems in our families...but, I really love that my friends were of substance. They still are. I miss them. I'll see some of them. I wish I could see them all.

Life has a way of taking all of different places...at least the start of the journey was solid.

Obsessed.

Jason is on the road today. Normally, Z and I would venture out but the cold is keeping us in. Z is just getting over a cold and I don't want to chance it. So, this means...a house day. Lots of reading the same book over and over again. I actually start hiding certain books because I am so sick of reading them. I don't feel bad about this. I feel that it causes my excitement in reading to be lost and I become horribly boring to listen to. I think Z appreciates it.

We started back to the gym after our Dustin visit hiatus. It felt good to burn some calories. Even if I'm not one of those hard core workout queens, I feel good that I at least show up. Meanwhile, I finished my bag of Cadbury mini eggs. I put the other one in the freezer for a summer treat. I can't have it out. It calls to me. I do think they are laced in heroine.

I'm addicted to Twitter now. I get addicted to everything, it sucks. I have such an addictive personality that I can't really function normally with fun things. I get hooked on chocolate eggs, Twitter feeds--feeling like I'll miss something if I don't check it often, Facebook, working out, cleaning and vacuuming. I also get addicted to people. I think living out here in Rochester has helped that. I can leave my friends alone and not obsess over their lives. Twitter helps feed my people addictions. It's just not a good thing. Jason is the same way. He's been obsessing over getting a new watch for months. He obsessively researches things. It's crazy. He can't sleep...he goes crazy needing the satisfaction that he made the perfect choice. Poor Z. (I can see this in her as well...at the gym, she will do the same game over and over and over...no matter what the other kids are doing.)

As I look out the loft window, I see 4 deer. 3 are young adults and there's one baby fawn. Adorable I love seeing them wandering around the neighborhood. Lovely!

Spring fever is an understatement

We did get out today. Went to Little Gym. There is only one other little girl in her class...Sofia. A cute girl. Her mom, Hennessy, cool name, shared my feelings of cabin fever. Spring is around the corner, but it can't come soon enough. Z's runny nose persists. I thought I heard her wheazing a bit, so she has a doc appt today to check it out. (Sadly, I was happy to have another reason to get out!) I long for the days of walking in the park. As soon as the damn snow disappears, we're off.

I continue to struggle to figure out how to feel more fulfilled--with my life at home. I feel that I should be doing something more. I don't have the patience to write a novel. Even a script seems like a long shot (pun intended). So, knowing that I love dialogue, I was thinking of trying my hand at a one act play. I think I might enjoy that. Even if it never reaches the stage, I have the need to produce something. I just need to finish a project. My house cleaning can only go so far. I'd like a sense of creative accomplishment. I batted around the idea of a book a while ago, but I really am not sure that would work. I think people would be too busy for the research it entails. It's all about other peoples' lives. Most of my friends are so busy...to fill out a packet of questions seems iffy.

I started (the first page) of Freedom. It's a BIG book. I also want to start The Hunger Games. My friend Lisa told me to read it. I've done some research and people seem to love it. I started following another blog and she loved it...

http://nevernotreading.blogspot.com/2010/01/review-hunger-games-by-susan-collins.html

At least the sun is shining. I'm really struggling with SAD today. What can I do to remedy? The half empty bag of Cadbury mini eggs is just makijng me feel awful. Self medicating with chocolate isn't a great idea. Maybe the gym. I can see how weed has its draw...just to break up the day. (please don't use drugs)

I couldn't live on a glacier. The continuous sight of stark white is driving me crazy.

hello, my friend, hello

Dustin left a few hours ago. I'm bummed. It's cold. I'm sick of the cold. And now, back to zombiemommyhood. not that i'm depressed, i'm really not. i just miss my friends. i'm thankful that he visited. i wish i could sit with each of my friends and just talk to them...and know how they're doing...and how they feel about things. that's one thing i do miss about college--the endless hours spent just getting to know people.

Random Roc mutterings...

It's at least a warmer morning. However, we are expecting 6 inches or so by tomorrow noon. Rochester normally doesn't get as much as Buffalo...but this year, we're really getting slammed. I'd still live in Rochester. It's really a beautiful place to live. I'm actually headed to BUF in a couple of hours to pick up Dustin. Normally, we love to stop at Anchor Bar to eat wings...not sure about today. Z isn't as easy to do this with. She's wiggly and always wants to walk and explore. I'll promise him BBQ at Sticky Lips and we'll come home. Rochester is known for Dinosaur BBQ...well, not KNOWN, but it seems to be the BBQ joint of choice. When searching around our first trip here, we found Sticky Lips and LOVED IT. We've been going there ever since. We're very loyal restaurant people. I'm very loyal to certain joints in Chicago as well. When we visit, we always go to Flat Top Grill, Silver Cloud and Hacienda. I really miss those places--I have so many great memories there. Chicago is a great place to live when you're single...when you're adventurous, when you're growing and if you're open to meeting people and working wherever you can find a job. I look back fondly...it raised me. Jason feels the exact same way. We grew up there. I didn't grow up in college, like most. It took me a while. Chicago's people and experiences allowed Jason and I to grow into the people that we are today--and to be able to grow into the couple we are.

So, Dustin (who was along for my Chicago journey--tho we met in Kansas City) is coming for our BIG Oscar weekend! Typically it's full of Oscar nominated movies, horror flicks (since J, D and I love them), yummy food and lots of talking. We've added playing with Z as another past time. We have lots to discuss. He's on the verge of making some life altering decisions and it's time to talk it all out.

I need to post my predictions...I'll do that. But, now, I need to get out of my pj's.

Mad Winter Blues

I'm officially pissed at Winter. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of my house being chilly and of not going out because it's just too cold. Z has a runny nose, so I'm not going to drag her out just to make myself feel better. UGH! Snow everywhere and nothing melting. (Scream!!)

Update: I wrote yesterday about my friend Sarah and how she seemed to be out of my life... She texted me last night and thanked me for trying so hard to make contact. She says she'll call me soon. Hopefully. The text made my day. That's all I need people! Just make contact!! I don't need long conversations with my friends. I just need a little email or text here and there to make me feel connected.

Today, I'm holding off on making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Jason is sick of all of the sweets in the house. I love to bake! I'll wait for Dustin to arrive and then bake away! We'll need lots of comfort food around the house. He appreciates sweets. I appreciate that. Tomorrow is the day! I'm thrilled to have company. I love it. I could always have guests. Hmmm...maybe I'm a B&B person in the making.

The sky is so clear and bright blue. It's casting great shadows on the snow. I have to focus on the beauty of this...or I'll go mad.

Needing to rip off the rear view mirror...

I keep trying to Twitter and I'm awful. I like to read others' posts, but what interesting thing would I really have to say? I post crap. It's ok. It's a good place to get news. Hell, I wouldn't know about Jen Aniston's new hair without it!

Dustin is coming on Thursday morning. YAY. He always visits when it's freezing out so we don't do much outdoors. There's a great Civil War exhibit at the Eastman House, so maybe we'll take a look. He might enjoy the Museum of Play as well. They have a great Butterfly room. I love seeing all of the butterflies and birds in there. You feel so chosen if they land on you. (They never land on me) There's one in the Smithsonian as well, but I hear this one is bigger. Huh.

Z is suffering with a runny nose--this means I suffer and that she hates me this week. Every time I try to wipe it, she screams. It's awful. I can't handle it running into her mouth.

I've been struggling to contact one of my girlfriends. She doesn't reach out. She doesn't return my calls or texts. She does have the flair for the dramatic...but it's starting to hurt my feelings. I actually dreamed about her last night. I have friend-rejection issues. I STILL have dreams about 7th grade...that's just sad. My friend Sarah and I met in college. She's a larger than life person. I just miss talking to her and am not sure what to do. Jason says, "It's time to let her go..." I don't do that well. Once I love someone, I love them.

The view outside the loft windows is the same: snow covered yards, clear streets and tons of deer tracks. I guess it's pretty, but the temps make it miserable. Z and I have cabin fever. I need to get out and go to Barnes to get Freedom. That's my book club pick for this month. It's a huge book...I need to get cracking.

Last night I thought about (or rather obsessed about) roads not taken. I asked Jason if he regretted his career track. He said no, but he does think about other avenues. I wish I'd been more clear headed in college. J's brother is going to spend a semester abroad in London. I always wanted to do that. I should have. I was needy and played the part of victim in college. I had lots of friends, but I'm not sure why. I wish I'd pursued the film avenue more. I think I'd be a great producer. I think I maybe could have done lots of interesting things...

This makes it sound as if I'm unhappy. I'm not. I got lucky. Great husband, great baby, great life. But...now it's Z's time. I'm here for her. Jason says he wants me to pursue whatever I want to do. He's back in school and doing well! (just got his first test back--an A--of course!) Maybe when Z is a little older, I'll take a course. Until then...I'll read more and discover new recipes.

ZZZZZZZ

Currently, Jason is asleep in the loft and Z is asleep in her room. It's glorious. I spent the morning baking chicken. I figured, I can use it all week for different recipes and not have to bother each night with something new. Man, it's messy.

It's freezing out. We got more snow. J is off today. He's been relaxing and playing with Z. Nice. I got to sleep in and I took a short snooze already. I might just take another one. It's too cold to be awake. This weather turns all of us into bears. And now that papa bear and baby bear are sleeping...I'll take that que.

Nice Reminders

I got this FWD from my mom today. I just liked it, so I'm sharing it. You can change "God" to whatever you need it to be...

HANDBOOK 2011

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2010 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Your body is a wonderland

I keep thinking about the Vain post I wrote yesterday. If I read that as a blog browser, I'd be annoyed. I couldn't sleep...again, thinking of WHY I'm so screwed up about this. I hate to place blame...because I'm an adult, however, I do feel that the comments my dad makes affect me. Just little comments about weight. He shouldn't affect my physical choices. For example, a few years ago I wore my hair curly. It's naturally curly and I was embracing it! He told me that he liked it better straight and I'm not sure I've had it curly since. Jason says he misses it. See, that's weird, right? My dad has commented on weight here and there and it makes me feel as if his love is conditional. It's not. I know this. However, it's the issues I have with men. (Gosh, let's count them.) Anyway, I'd love to be able to love my body no matter how it looks. I only feel this way about me. It doesn't even cross my mind with other women. In fact, I'm more put off by women that are too skinny--which to me looks gross. A woman's curves are so pretty to me. But, yes, when I see Jen Aniston in a bikini look the way she looks at the age she is...it makes me feel as if I need to look that way, too. Jason always says, "She's an actress...she works out a lot. Normal people can't spend hours working out every day." True. But, I can work on how I eat. I'm addicted to sugar. I've always been that way. I LOVE dessert.

This is boring me. I guess I just wanted to address the issues instead of just worrying if I'm really vain. Hmmm. All I can do is be conscious of what I eat and make sure exercise is a part of my weekly routine.

Now, excuse me while I drink my coffee drowning in French Vanilla creamer. Ridiculous.

Vain

Again with the drip, drip, drip. At least it's outside this time. We're suppose to have 50 degree weather today. I expect flooding down our street. Not really, but the snow is piled up to 7 feet in some places. Crazy.

I happened to catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror last night. Granted, it was bad lighting, but I couldn't sleep afterward. I'm 36 and I admit, I have a body issue. I feel that I should look like I did at 25. No, it's not going to happen. Unless your Jennifer Aniston. My God. So, today I spent all morning doing exercises. We're going to the gym a few times a week--twice this week already. I have issues...and I've mentioned them before. I asked Jason if he'd rather be physically fit without trying or have 1 million dollars. He said the money. I said the body. What does that say about me?? I upped it to 10 Mil...but you also were 50 lbs overweight and could never lose it. He said he'd skip the money. Hmmmm. What if it were 20 lbs only? He said he'd probably do it.

We have strange conversations.

Steven Tyler is HOT...hmmm...he's in his 60s...ok, in a weird way.

Last night I went to bed at 8pm and slept for almost 11 hours. It was amazing. I want to have some down time tonight...but gosh, it's a quarter til 8 and I'm exhausted. We went as a family to the gym. Z does very well at the daycare. J and I are really trying to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'd go 5 if I could. My muscles are sore today. ugh. He took a test today in his Master's class. Just the thought of him filling out a test turned me on. Ha! My husband is a smarty. The fact that he's kind and hot just kills me.

Sorry. Throwing up???

Tonight is Idol night...so I can't go to bed. It's our together time. We're Idol people. Jason loves to "sing" and I love Steven Tyler. There is something about him that is sexy...right?? Plus, he's just so damn funny and animated. The NY Times did an article about him on Sunday. They raved about him. He's so cool--I really want to raid his closet.

Enough for tonight. A short post. Enough to make me feel accomplished.

Here's the article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/arts/television/13idol.html

Go get Easter Candy for Valentine's--it's better.

Happy Valentine's Day--if you celebrate it. If you don't, that's perfectly acceptable. I'd say I celebrate it enough to get a card. I got J a travel coffee mug this year--how romantic, I know. He always loses them. This one won't be a BIG celebration because it doesn't need to be. Some years we put more emphasis on it than others. Maybe we need it more sometimes. We're in a good place right now...happy and content. But probably the biggest reason...we've been eating WAYYY too much candy in the past month that we can't bring any more in. HA!

Z and I went to Barnes and Noble this morning for story time. We haven't done that in a while. While I was picking out a card for J, an older man asked me if he could hold Z while I looked. WHAT THE HELL!!!???? I said, "Oh, no thank you..." And promptly left the card area. Seriously? Am I jaded or is that just screwed up? When I went back, Z picked something off the floor and handed it to me. It was a Xanax. Holy crap. BN is a pedo- drug den today.

However you celebrate today--if you do, you should at least take the time to write out a few things about what you love about yourself. Shouldn't we be reminded as to why we like ourselves??

1. I think I'm funny
2. I'm happy about my lot in life
3. I (we) created a beautiful girl
4. I have terrific friends--that I obviously attracted.
5. I love my adventurous spirit

There...not bad.

Eat a lot of chocolate today. I hear that the Cadbury mini eggs are out. They are just soooo damn good--addictive and amazing.

S A D

OH it's cold out there. The upside is that there aren't any drips. The downside is cabin fever.

I can't express enough how done I am with this Winter. It is affecting so many...in bad ways. We need the sun. We need it to be happy. We need the Vitamin D.

I know there are people out there struggling. Hang in there. Get medicated if you need it. Or get a special lamp.

I'm not suffering as much as I have in the past. But, I've been there and it's hard. When it's chemical...it's just inescapable. Do whatever you can to feel better. Physical activity does help...at least it does for me.

Have sex!!!

Telltale Winter

Drip, drip, drip...the sounds of our house currently. We have a leak in the kitchen and multiple in the garage. J is going around with the wet vac constantly...and maybe cussing a little.

The snow keeps on falling. 3-4 inches last night, more tonight and tomorrow. UGH!! I give up!! If I could waive a white flag I would. You couldn't see it though...

Well, here is a cute pic of Z though. That makes it worth it a little. She loves to eat snow.












Here's one with the deer...












The drips make me want to rip up the floor boards!!!!!

It's Friday--I survived.

Storms hit Kansas and Chicago BIG TIME this week. Wow. Mostly ON my birthday and the day before. I had friends calling from Kansas City with their misery. KU and KState were both closed as well as all of the government offices. We reminisced about the day KU closed when we were in school. Everyone got a snow day or two in KC in Chicago. Pretty crazy. I loved Facebook for the fact that I was able to see so many of what people were dealing with as they posted pictures and movies of the snow. Seeing Lake Shore Drive looking like a graveyard...pretty cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV3Bcngnv3M



The MIL has been here for a week and leaves this morning in 3 hours. I've been thankful for her consistent playing with Z, but not for the side comments and WEIRD fights we've gotten into. You just wouldn't believe how strange. Z is officially spoiled, but that's ok. She's still a good girl.

We went to Little Gym this week and I really enjoyed it. Z loved it. The work they do with balance and the understanding she gains from how her body relates to other objects in size, etc. is cool. She'll hang on a bar soon! She already walked the balance beam her first day. Of course, she had assistance. Still.

Well, I turned 36 this week. Wednesday. Jason and I went for dinner and then to see Blue Valentine. He gave me a card that was beautifully written, chocolates he picked out for the box and a Pandora bracelet. So sweet. Very romantic actually! He did well. Seeing Blue Valentine was an experience. We went to the Little theatre--an art house. It's not something I'd run out and see again, but it made me appreciate what we have. Michelle Williams' performance was so good that I actually recognized myself in her from past relationships. It also was an interesting discussion point about having someone who did a wonderfully good thing for you--yet, it doesn't MAKE the marriage. It takes many things in combination for love to continue to grow and be nurtured. A good deed does not a good marriage make.


We have a leak in our garage apparently. When I went to get more milk from the other fridge, it was frozen over from the outside...drips from the ceiling coated it with ice. Hmmm.

But, FREEDOM soon!!! (Seriously, I'm being a bit of a brat here...she's been so good to Z.)

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

My MIL is here. (Mother in Law) She's very sweet, but loud and is talking constantly. Z is going to be so spoiled that she'll be a disaster when she leaves. I'm cooking in order to remain sane. Pancakes this morning and a delish chicken salad for lunch. I can hear her up in the loft...so loud.

I didn't realize how quiet our life is...6 more days.

The SAGS are Sunday night. What a fun award show. Love it.

We got DISH for a year free and let our Time Warner cable go. We are saving money, yes. However, DISH sucks. It is always out and the movie channels blow. I'm addicted to good cable. Wow...it's a horrible fact about me.

At 70

Today is my dad's 70th birthday. Thought I'd give you a peek at our relationship by sharing our emails today. He was a judge in Kansas for 25+ years. He just retired in January. "LB" is his wife. He spends 6 months a year in Kino, Mexico. He spends his time fishing mostly...and reading. We got him a Kindle for his birthday this year. This post is mostly for me, but feel free to see what you get out of it.

His subject was "Thoughts on turning 70"

Dear Kids, Kids-in-law, and grandkids,

First, thank you all again for the great birthday gift. The Kindle is really great. Not only have I now read 7 books since receiving the Kindle, I have about 7 on the list to be read and 4 of those were free. In addition, I now have a Spanish Language textbook on the Kindle and each day I take a Spanish lesson. I am also seriously considering adding the periodic chart which I can get for free. I don't need it very often but when I do it is never around.

But, on turning 70: I woke up this morning and that makes me 70! I am only one day older than yesterday but one year older than my last birthday. LB had a birthday party last night at happy hour for me and 17 people were there and we all had a great time. Wendy (Rod's wife from South Dakota) cooked pheasant and there was quite a bit there and we all enjoyed eating pheasant in addition to 7 layer bean dip, guacamole, cheese and crackers, pico de gallo, and chips and salsa. I didn't weigh this morning.

This morning only one boat went out--Fish Finder. A little while ago he called in and said he had blown his engine so a rescue is under way as I write. We know Fish Finder is over 80 but we don't know his actual age. I am the Ramp Manager so in about 45 minutes I will be at the boat ramp with my crew of hearty old guys to get the boat on the trailer by hand. Helping others is the one proven remedy for growing old. Being Ramp Manager is mucho better than being on the crew. The water temp is 59 degrees and the manager stays high and dry giving orders to the crew. Really, the main job of the manager is to watch and warn anyone who might be getting in a position to be hurt by a bouncing boat. The water is still calm this morning so that shouldn't be difficult.

I now must admit to being old--middle-aged is out of the picture as I can't imagine reaching the age of 140 years.

(I cut it short...)

Here was my response:

Happy Birthday first of all. Here, it is cold. Our roof is leaking and Jason fell off of the ladder this morning. Also, our satellite is out. Not off to a good start, but that's probably because you're sucking all of the nice weather and good luck towards your part of the world. (Jason is fine, just bruised...he was clearing off the roof.) Z is getting a new tooth. That's 11 teeth now. Goodness! She's into being loud this week. Loves to squeal VERY LOUDLY and chirp. She's playing quietly currently and it's blissful. NYC got dumped on last night. 19 inches in Central Park. The East is getting hammered lately! We didn't get that snow...just a constant inch or two...daily.

Your birthday started out well I think. You woke up retired, in a warm place, in a happy marriage, well fed, well read and in good health. How many can say that?!

Enjoy the warmth. We miss you here. I think of you daily. "What's the best way to do this??" It's amazing how our parents' voices are constantly heard. With so much guidance as kids, it just continues as adults as the mental record players constantly spin.

You know, I truly believe I wouldn't be in this happy place if you hadn't supported me when I had the crazy idea to move to Chicago. Without your help, I never would have been able to make the move. (It was crazy...) However, I met amazing people, including my husband, and started my adventures. That move created my love of new beginnings and discovering new places. I believe we'll be in Rochester for a long time though. We love it here. What a leap of faith you had to help me on that journey! I always think about that. You even helped us move to Rochester! I love that.

Now Z is running around in circles holding her baby and squealing with delight. She loves her baby. She washes her in the bath (not a water proof baby...) and takes her to bed. She even feeds her during dinner time--smashing peas and cheerios into her plastic face.

I'm wearing my Jayhawk fleece vest. She LOVES the Jayhawk on it and constantly has to be picked up to point at it. Cute.

Well, hope you enjoy the day. I love you and miss you. Can't wait to see you again.

Love,
Valerie

I love this poem. My good friend Ronda wrote it.


I Am My Home
Though guests are welcome
...Inside for a short visit or two,
And when no visitors come
I sometimes feel blue,
I am my home
I live quite alone
With all of my favorite things
With words as my food
And thoughts as my bed
I've become comfortable
Alone in my head.
I am my home.
I keep house with my heart.

Go Away and leave me alone.

Today I feel so helpless and unsettled. I hate this feeling. I've recently stopped taking my anti-depressant. I wonder if that could be it? I found out two of my dear friends lost their father last night. I can't be with them. They are hurting and not reaching out much. I wish I were closer to them. Hopefully, I'll see them in March.

I've been thinking a lot about Heaven lately. I'm not sure Jason believes it exists, but I always have. Even when I doubted many things...I've never doubted that I would see my loved ones again. I think about the people who've passed away a lot. I think of my grandparents almost every day. I think about my friend CJ and what she'd think of this or that. I think about those who have lost loved ones. My mom still suffers over her brother. I dreamed about him the other night. He was watching over her. I believe that. My Heaven is a big dinner table full of the people I've lost. We just spend our time talking...about things I never got to ask. I regret a lot of conversations not had. My mom says she feels the same way.

Today is one of those days where my heart just feels heavy. I'm sad. I'm lonely (Jason is out all day) and I just want to curl up and sleep. Could this be a little depression sinking back in? Maybe I'm just feeling for my friends. Maybe I'm just hormonal.

Whatever this darkness is, I want it to go away.

Oscar Nom day!

Most film students would say that I'm a pathetic excuse for a film major because of my love of the Oscars. The KU Film Dept. is extremely stuck up about film...yes, they are a good school, but wow...it was always a room of egos. I would relive any of those classes in a heartbeat. A great time. True, my English degree got me more jobs than my Film degree, but I love having both. Anyway, this morning I watched the Oscar nominations. I haven't seen a lot of the movies, but I do believe that The King's Speech is excellent and that Colin should win. I have many movies to see before Feb. 27th. My friend Dustin is coming in for the big event. We try to get as many seen and whatever is left we try to squeeze in together in the days we spend together.

For my birthday, Jason and I are going to see Blue Valentine. Michelle Williams was just nominated for her role in it! I know it will be a downer, but I still want to see it. J's mom is coming in for a week. So, I'm taking full advantage and we are going to go on a couple of dates. We went to see movies almost every weekend before Z. That's how we relax. One day, we'll be able to go again...

I'm making myself post today. I haven't in a couple of days. I have more on my mind...but I think I need to digest a bit before I put it on here.

Until then,

Here' are the nominees:

Best motion picture of the year

Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Christian Bale (The Fighter)
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Achievement in directing

Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David O Russell (The Fighter)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Adapted screenplay

127 Hours - Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy (127 Hours)
The Social Network - Aaron Sorkin
Toy Story 3 - Michael Arndt (screenplay); John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich (story)
True Grit - Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)
Winter's Bone - Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Original screenplay

Another Year - Mike Leigh
The Fighter - Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy and Eric Johnson (screenplay); Keith Dorrington, Paul Tamasy and Eric Johnson (story)
Inception - Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right - Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg
The King's Speech - David Seidler

Best animated feature film of the year

How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3

Best foreign language film of the year

Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) (Algeria)

Crazy Lazy

It's been days since I've been out and about. Once we got back from our weekend in Cleveland, I decided to be a shut in. It's been too cold and I've been too overwhelmed by the house. (Meaning, I needed to unload all the luggage and do the laundry and vacuum and clean and psycho OCD things in order to be able to relax.) This is a sad state. I've needed to go to the gym. Today, I'm announcing, I'm going to go! I'm also going to go to Target to get another baby gate. Our house is becoming a fortress of sorts. The girl roams and must be contained.

Matt (Lauer) just said snow is again on its way. Damn. Oh, how I do love the cold beauty of the ice and snow. The mornings arrive fresh and crisp. However, the Spring will be welcomed. Now that Z can walk/run, I need to take this girl to the park to tire herself out. Her small hands don't work in gloves and she won't keep them on--playing in the snow would almost be cruel. I've been watching a Discovery Channel's Everest. It's 6 hours of watching the horrors of climbing Everest. I had no idea of the length of time it takes (about 45 days). Out of about 8 men, only 3 made it to the summit. 2 came out just fine, but the other climbers had several amputations due to frost bite. Is it worth it?? Jason said that before having a family, it was something we would have considered. I understand the desire, I do, but I don't have it within me. If it was a rain forest, maybe. But then you'd be dealing with very large bugs. (shiver)

I'm up in the loft-- as I am every morning. It's really a pretty sight. I look out the windows over my woodsy neighborhood and see the pines, still and perfect. The sky is light blue and pink. The snow has footprints of the family of deer that roam. Yesterday, I had one of those moments where I thought to myself, "I'm happy." Do you ever have those? I've had a few in my life--probably more than a few. When I lived in Cincinnati, I was working at Joseph-Beth Booksellers and I stood in the store and had a "happy" moment occurred and just drank it in. "I''m living with one of my best friends, I'm working in a bookstore like I've always wanted to do, I'm meeting cool people and I'm doing it alone." (Course, my best friend was a newlywed and I was still struggling financially and emotionally with many things--she may not have had such "happy" moments during this time--but she hid it well.) The fact was that that time in Cincinnati was a push off point for me. I really love that city. If you ever get to go, go. It's surprisingly beautiful and unique.) I get off on travels not linked to my family. I see it as growth. "All the people I'm surrounded by right now, I met myself--I traveled to meet them--they are proof of my adventuresome spirit." As I look out over the frozen pines, I feel the same way. But this time, I ventured out with Jason. I'm thrilled that I married someone who also has an adventuresome spirit.

But, I still need to venture out of the house today. Travels of the past won't make up for the onset of crazy lazy ways.

Too cute--Z just found her baby and just SQUEALED with delight. Love it.

Go out and do something adventuresome today--even it means cooking something you've never cooked. Or make plans for a day trip! New perspective is awesome.

Thaw

I can hear the drip, drip, dripping of our melting icicles. Spring is not close enough. I can appreciate the Winter and its beauty, but the newness of Spring and the jolt of energy it seems to carry with it is much anticipated.

Yes, I can live in the moment--but the idea of "new" is always enticing to me.

Snowbound Therapy

It's snowing. The air is cold, but I opened the windows in the loft anyway. It's so clean smelling. I love it. I'm suppose to drive to Cleveland today, but I'm not so sure. The snow will fall all day and the route look kind of rough. Ugh. It's better to be safe. Plus, I hate being cold. That would be my luck...stuck and cold. I've often thought about the fact that since I don't breast feed anymore, Z would eventually run out of food. I watched an episode of I Shouldn't Be Alive and a woman kept her child alive for 9 days breastfeeding. --As I look at it outside...I think the best decision would be to hold off on my trip until tomorrow. No need to invite trouble. The weatherman says 6 inches...but we are at that now and we have a lot of snow to go. It's kind of fun to be sitting in the warmth watching it fall. However, my trees are beginning to look weighted down. I may have to go shake them.

On another topic, my mom called me the other day to share with me that she'd found a diary her mom kept in 1975. I've always heard about my mother's disappointment and hurt feelings over the fact that her mother didn't come see me for 8 weeks after I was born. She's carried this with her for 35 years. In the diary she found, her mother writes about how she was dealing with her own mother (a VERY difficult and cruel woman) in the hospital during that time and shared her worry about when she would come see me. This was a revelation for my mom who says that she feels so much better about the whole situation. I'm happy. However, I wonder why she didn't just ask her mother why she wasn't coming. This is a lesson. I, too, have old wounds that haven't healed from my parents. I've chosen to try to let them go instead of getting them resolved. I think it's hard to ask the questions when you are afraid of the answers. Human relationships are so complicated. As a mom, I'm going to learn from it. I'm going to do my best to tell Z how I'm feeling so she doesn't have to guess. There are going to be so many hurt feelings in the future, I'm sure. But, if there's anyway I can keep her from guessing how I'm feeling, I'm going to try.

Becoming New

On the days where I feel a little far from my center--meaning, the day is gloomy and I don't feel like myself, I try to close my eyes and remember certain days in my life when I felt --for lack of a better phrase--more alive. I think we all do this. I do it when I feel particularly boring or when my day drags along. I transport myself to a time when life was crisp, as if it was literally created just left of my gaze and I saw and felt it all at its brightest. Yes, that's dramatic. It's how I felt. When I want to feel more free--I think of my trip with my friend Lisa to San Francisco. I remember seeing the Golden Gate bridge...and it took my breath away. We were alone, together. Both of us on a journey and it just felt like we were the only people I cared about existing. Lisa was actually there during another moment in time that I like to return to. I met her in London when she was there during a surreal time in both of our lives. I think about that week a lot. I went to Liverpool and walked around the same places Paul and John had and it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever felt. I was so depressed when the day was done, I was almost inconsolable. Part of me knew that THAT was the happiest I'd ever be...and it was over.
But then Zoë was born. I think of that day all of the time. I just did...which spurred this post. I think of how strong I felt. I was so much stronger than I ever though I could be. It was magical. Jason and I say that all of the time. She was born and we were forever changed. It wows me.

I do miss simpler times. I miss the feeling of only new things on the horizon instead of a lot of memories to wrestle with. I miss the promise of what things COULD be. At times, now, even at 35, I feel as if I know what my life will be. That's so not right. I don't know. And, I think that that feeling is what prompts women to become more interesting later in life. Women have that ability to just become more wise and cool as time moves on. (At least the women that I think about in order to know it's possible.)

Life can be new any time we want it. We just have to see it that way. When you're in your comfy clothes and your body isn't as firm as it once was and your child doesn't seem to hear you OR see you and you realize that you felt good about yourself that day because your house got clean--you forget that. You forget that you can still be interesting and new.

There's no time like the present.

We decided on this lazy Saturday to check out the local libraries. Penfield has a large library, but no story time for Z. Pittsford's library was very cool and it has story time every Monday! YAY! Somewhere to go! I'm finding that until the girl is 2, the options are limited to what she can do around here. Well, it leaves a lot to look forward to.

It's been fun to hear from friends as they get their NY cards. It's a great way to reach out and let people know you are thinking about them. It's hard to get the damn things together! J and I battled for over an hour...but the result was great. I should be happy that he cares that much!

I've just learned the news about the shootings in Tucson. I've been away from the news all day. Unreal. You never know...

I say take the time and reach out to those you've been thinking about that you're not in touch with! Do it now...because you never know. If you're thinking of them, it's for a reason. It's the universe urging you to make contact. Sometimes, the idea of a long conversation is daunting. It doesn't have to be. Email, write, send them a card. Hell, text. Any way to get it done.

And, if you've been wondering about it, consider this post a sign.

On a cold Thursday where I write about nothing.

Well, The People's Choice awards was probably the worst show I've seen in a while. Just awful. The Globes are coming up soon. They are BS as well, but more fun to watch. The fact that Johnny and Angelina were nominated for something just proves it's a joke. I love Johnny...but he didn't do anything award worthy in The Tourist. Angelina just looked hungry and had few lines. It was laughable. Dustin is coming for the Oscars. He just set the date this week. I'm thrilled. We won't have a guest before then...it will be time. The walls start to close in on me in the winter. Guests break it up.

I got out my cards for the most part. I asked for a few addresses on Facebook. It's my attempt to reach out to a couple friends who don't reach out to me. I probably need to let the friendships go, but I have such a hard time doing that. If someone was important to me at any time, I always try to cling onto them forever. I need to realize that some friendships have seasons. We were friends in a time when it was easy to do so and when we needed something from the other. I hate that though. I don't have many seasonal friends. I have a lot of friends in which we talk more about their lives than mine, but I think that happens a lot. Some people never even think to ask you about your day...they go on so much about their own. But, that's neither here nor there...I still try to keep in touch with them.

Z went down for a nap about an hour ago and I'm desperately trying to fill my time with productive things instead of just slumbering right alongside with her.

But, I think I'll do it anyhow.

Neat

Today, I cleaned and organized...after watching OWN's Enough Already...about clutter. It actually created anxiety. I really need to stop watching it.

Tonight..the People's Choice. Yes, a bullshit award show, but an award show nonetheless! But...not a REAL big one on the radar since E! didn't have a red carpet. THIS is how I rate them...and what thoughts are on my mind as I write this. Sad.

I want to be shiny, but I'm afraid of shiny things

I'm having a hard time relating to other moms. I feel that I'm a person who is also a mom, but I view other mothers as another breed of being for some reason. There's a club that I'm not invited to. They are all put together and I'm not. They are all teachers and not film students. This is my strange brain dealing with it. I want to be sunshiny. However, when confronted with other sunshiny people, I become dark and introverted. I can't meet friends being a mom. I'll meet friends in the book group...and MAYBE one of them will be a mom.

Why am I so fucked up about this? Who cares! Did Lisa Bonet go to mommy group outings? (I think of her...she seems cool to me.) Not that it isn't cool. I guess I feel that it's going to be mommies talking about being mommies. I want to talk as people and if our kids come up, great. Starting out a conversation dealing with babies because THAT is why we are there together seems forced and fake.

I'm just a freak.